In which, BARF, Brandon cashes in his V-card. Yes. This is happening. And Brenda has really awful hair and gets all dreamy about her not-at-all attractive teacher who ALSO has really awful hair. SEASON 2??? ARE YOU ALMOST HERE?
So we start off with this. Yeah. I’m not too pleased about it, either. Brenda looks cute and normal. Brandon, in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation to his ball sack, exposits for the viewing audience that it’s November and it’s mother-fucking hot.
Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh: "Hey, douche, you have a phone call. From your crazy-eyed Minnesota girlfriend who ain’t all that. You will totally be able to have sex in the house, but when Brenda has sex with her long-term, HOT boyfriend at the end of the season, I’m going to flip my shit. Because, as previously discussed, I am a fucking prick with a double-standard. Here’s the phone!"
Then Brandon’s about to bust out a New Kids on the Block move, all “Right Stuff” style. The rest of the family is really nosy for some reason, because WHO CARES.
It is decided that Crazy Eyes is coming to town. Brandon kicks it Opening Credits Style and finds Jim and Cindy eavesdropping.
AHHHHHHHNdrea: "WHY WON’T YOU LOOOOOOOOVE ME AND MY BABY SHIT-COLORED PLEATED SHORTS???"
AHHHHHHNdrea then does her patented AHHHHHHNdrea Arm Cross, and acts all hoity. Shut up, AHHHHHHHNdrea.
So then…this comes around the corner. Brenda’s and Kelly’s bangs should be torched; Kelly’s skirt could be cute(ish) if it didn’t have that odd bunchy waist; Brenda’s going for that yeast infection once again, and also raided Shaq’s closet for a shirt. Donna, AMAZINGLY, looks the best here…outfit-wise. Her hair? Standard Donna Flip in desperate need of a hot oil. Also, she’s wearing puka shells on her wrist. Negative seventeen-hundred points for that.
Then Dylan gets all Robert DeNiro after Brandon tells him that Ol’ Crazy Eyes is coming for a visit. Because you see, Dylan Knows. Of The Sex.
Brenda: "Mr. Brody, you are not cute. I have really bad taste before Dylan comes along. And after, for that matter. Stuart, anyone?"
AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME."
So David and his stupid hair tell Brandon about some long-distance love of his. Whatever. Where is Poor (Might-Already-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon? Did he already off himself because David is The Worst Friend In The History Of The World?
"I’m just going to stroll by in my jammie-bottoms with some sage advice. And I am literally the only person EVER who could get away with wearing these pants out in daylight hours. Because I am hot."
AND HER CRAZY EYES. Which don’t look so crazy here. Just you wait. Also, she is 41. Maybe Brandon can introduce her to Steve when it doesn’t work out between them.
Brandon: "[Simpering, patronizing wiener.]"
And then of course Cindy and her Bad Hair cock-block Brandon. Her…culotte…pants (?) are a fucking nightmare.
Sheryl: "My hair is pretty trashy. Did a lot of people in the early-‘90’s have trashy hair? Like your mom? And kind of you right at the moment? And did people think it looked trashy, or was it just the norm?"
Brenda: "Yes. But my hair is about to get SO AWESOME. Like, you’ll want to cry your 41-year-old eyes out. Also, standing next to you, I look 12."
Brenda: "Also, I’m TOTES going to go for my teacher who I’m babysitting for. This is just practice for when I am hot for my summer school drama teacher, who will turn out to be a predator and look like a fucking mongoloid."
Sheryl: "[Still 41.]"
Jim/Cindy: post-roll in the hay (I assume). Cindy’s all worried about the sexing between Brandon and Sheryl. Jim, who’s an asshole, is all like, “whatevs. But don’t worry. When Brenda has sex with her boyfriend, not just some one-night trick from Minnesota, I will make her feel like the Whore of Babylon. I’m awesome like that.”
Brandon: "I am a horndog and need you to give me a handy or something."
Brandon: "I’m basically going to handcuff you so it’s impossible for you to get out of this. Kinda date-rapey, non? Just in keeping with this show’s general theme, I guess."
…for when everyone else in the house is asleep. Except for Cindy. Because she wants to hear what’s going down?
And then the next morning, Brandon is a GIGANTIC TOOL SHED in his light, light, light, light jeans and dances around his room to Big Band Music. Because his penis saw the inside of a vagina. WHATEVER.
Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh smiles all knowingly proud of his son for laying the pipe to Sheryl. Cindy wants to divorce Jim, kidnap Brenda, and move back to Minnesota.
And then Brandon picks up Sheryl in her hideous top with her hair all bad and twirls her around the kitchen and kisses her. DON’T MAKE IT TOO FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT YOU GUYS DIDDLED LAST NIGHT OR ANYTHING, YOU MORON.
Brenda, still 12 and in Shaq’s Sleep Shirt, is all, “My sex life will be so much hotter than these two foolios.” It's true, you guys.
Jim’s all, “Way to be, stud. Way to be. Remind me to tell you about the first time I drilled your mother. Her and Sheryl have similarly bad hair, so I think it’s pretty fitting.”
“I hate you, Jay Sherman. Can’t wait for the ‘Beach Blanket Brandon’ episode where I get lectured ABOUT SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND to within an inch of my life.”
Sheryl: "Let’s see LA! My crazy eyes are about to come out! And I’m TOTES going to freak out on you."
Brandon: "Whatevs. I just got some punane."
Then Dylan comes up looking good in a blue shirt, and Brandon, knowing he can’t compare, runs off to Ladies Room. Like the pansy that he is.
“Yes, yes. I know I have forehead wrinkles. But it doesn’t matter because I am ADORABLE. And have you SEEN my car?”
“Um. No thanks. But I’m going to be nice to you because you look a little nuts. And I’m charming. So let’s go to a club tonight and you can dress really hideously and act like a total psycho there.”
“So, does my Crazy Hair match the intensity of my Crazy Eyes? And do you think these armholes on this shirt should be bigger?”
“I don’t know, nor do I care. Your story line is ALSO really boring. I am somehow managing to make this outfit I’m wearing not completely awful. In conclusion: shut up, Sheryl.”
Jimbo: "Let’s talk the birds and the bees…but I mostly just want to tell you how proud I am of you and your penis."
Brandon: "Thanks, Large Guy."
THE FIRST SCENE WITH BOTH DYLAN AND BRENDA. GOD. Make out or fight or smash a pot or cry really dramatically, you two.
Unfortunately for us, they don't do any of those things. But Sheryl gets a hard-on for Dylan’s car, because, duh, so she rides with him to the club, and Brandon takes Brenda to her tool shed teacher’s house to babysit.
Brandon: "I’m all untrustworthy and paranoid that Dylan’s going to put the moves on Sheryl. Also: I look pretty damn hot here."
Brenda: "Yeah, you kind of should be those things, considering what’s going to happen to me at the hands of Dylan and Kelly in a couple of years. In conclusion: NEVER TRUST ANYONE."
“I am dorkily adorable right now. Also, why does your driveway lead right up to the front door? Did this used to be the garage?”
Brandon, in his club gear, winds up bum-rushing the door of the club because Michael Bolton won’t let him in to sing “When A Man Loves A Woman” karaoke.
Brandon: "Since Sheryl went to use the can, I’m now going to get all up in your face and give you the what for."
Dylan: "That bitch is cray-cray."
Brandon: "Whatevs. I’m going to deck you. And even though I’m technically a Little Person, I will be able to take you out, because YOU only weigh about 105."
So then Dylan gets the hell out of Dodge, and Brandon huffily approaches Sheryl at the bar while she’s chilaxing with…I don’t know.
The Crazy Eyes really come out when Brandon tries to force her to leave. She gets all hell-to-the-no with what I think are globe earrings, which I totally had, and then drops this truth-bomb on him: when they slept together the night before, IT WASN’T HER FIRST TIME. So really, the title of this episode only applies to that panty-waist Brandon.
This is Brandon’s only response. Well, and then he becomes a gigantic vagina and slaps the glass off of the bar, causing shards of it to fly into the face of all the bartenders, bar-backs, etc. Because Brandon is a monster.
Blah, blah, ugly teacher, blah, NO ONE CARES. Mr. Brody’s kids are brats. And the boy is Jonah, from Sleepless in Seattle.
Then the two fashion victims show up. Kelly says something SUPER-inappropriate to Jonah, all like, “you’re going to be so fucking hot like your dad when you grow up…except that your dad is really not hot at all.”
Back at the club: Sheryl, Crazy-Eyed and apparently The Slowest Walker In The World, hops into a cab…in her hideous skirt…
…and Brandon kicks it Opening Credits Style by chasing after her to no avail. OHMYGOD, WHO CARES??? WHEN DOES THE BRENDA AND DYLAN STORY LINE START??? This is all SO VERY tedious.
Kelly: "I have to ogle Prof. Not-Hot some more. And drink their water. And behave like a boor. Also, my hair kind of looks okay like this."
Professor Not-Hot: "Sweet. Let’s go have an orgy."
Kelly: "I’m ready for an orgy!"
Kelly has the decency to drop Brenda off at home, after she ruined any chances Brenda had for babysitting in Beverly Hills again. Donna…whatever.
WHUUUUUH? Turns out Sheryl ran away from home. And nobody cares. Not her parents, not Brenda, not even Cindy, though she has to pretend that she does by shaking a stuffed panda bear in the air while wearing the latest in Fundamentalist couture.
Brandon tracks Sheryl down at Dylan’s Bel Age lair. Then they make-out while waiting for Sheryl to emerge from the bathroom, post-puke.
Brandon: "[Judgmental; WHAT'S NEW???]"
Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh, Cindy in her Sister Wives best, and Brenda in her cute night shirt, all discuss the fact that THEY DIDN’T KNOW SHERYL’S PARENTS WERE DIVORCED. Waitwaitwait, WHAT? Crazy Eyes dates your son/brother for a year, they go to the same school, you are all, assumedly, a part of the same community and you didn’t know her parents were divorced? And your dick-bag son/brother never talked to Sheryl about her problems at home??? Like, I know that it’s high school and all, but GOOD GOD. YOU’RE ALL MONSTERS.
Brandon: "Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mom."
Sheryl: "Whatever. You Walsh people are fucking horrible."
Brandon: "Actually, all I really want to do right now is say goodbye to Sheryl."
(Like, Brandon LITERALLY said something THAT fucking rude right then. Basically, “smell ya later, Sheryl. I can’t deal with you and Your Issues.” I…can’t even with these people.)
Sheryl: "You know what your problem is? That vest."
And then Brandon made this look and I went and stabbed my eardrums repeatedly with some rusty tweezers. And lost ALL sympathy for Sheryl. I hope she goes back and drowns in Lake Minnetonka. Because NO ONE, but NO ONE should EVER use the term “lover.” ESPECIALLY not a supposed 16-year-old, and ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY not a 16-year-old RIGHT IN FRONT OF her “lover's” FAMILY. SHUT UP, PIG DOG SHERYL.