Thursday, January 24, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 4 - The First Time: Keep Your Clorox Eyewash Readily Available.

In which, BARF, Brandon cashes in his V-card. Yes. This is happening. And Brenda has really awful hair and gets all dreamy about her not-at-all attractive teacher who ALSO has really awful hair. SEASON 2??? ARE YOU ALMOST HERE?


So we start off with this. Yeah. I’m not too pleased about it, either. Brenda looks cute and normal. Brandon, in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation to his ball sack, exposits for the viewing audience that it’s November and it’s mother-fucking hot. 


He looks all kinds of Chad Michael Murray here, which makes me hate him even more. 


Yeah. Fucking gross. 


Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh: "Hey, douche, you have a phone call. From your crazy-eyed Minnesota girlfriend who ain’t all that. You will totally be able to have sex in the house, but when Brenda has sex with her long-term, HOT boyfriend at the end of the season, I’m going to flip my shit. Because, as previously discussed, I am a fucking prick with a double-standard. Here’s the phone!"


Then Brandon’s about to bust out a New Kids on the Block move, all “Right Stuff” style. The rest of the family is really nosy for some reason, because WHO CARES. 


It is decided that Crazy Eyes is coming to town. Brandon kicks it Opening Credits Style and finds Jim and Cindy eavesdropping. 


Brenda was as well, and looks way too happy about the fact that her brother is going to get laid. 



Brandon: "I have a crazy-eyed girlfriend coming into town."

AHHHHHHHNdrea: "WHY WON’T YOU LOOOOOOOOVE ME AND MY BABY SHIT-COLORED PLEATED SHORTS???"

AHHHHHHNdrea then does her patented AHHHHHHNdrea Arm Cross, and acts all hoity. Shut up, AHHHHHHHNdrea. 


So then…this comes around the corner. Brenda’s and Kelly’s bangs should be torched; Kelly’s skirt could be cute(ish) if it didn’t have that odd bunchy waist; Brenda’s going for that yeast infection once again, and also raided Shaq’s closet for a shirt. Donna, AMAZINGLY, looks the best here…outfit-wise. Her hair? Standard Donna Flip in desperate need of a hot oil. Also, she’s wearing puka shells on her wrist. Negative seventeen-hundred points for that. 


Tech class. Brandon and Dylan build Jinx, the Space Camp Robot. 


See? 


Then Dylan gets all Robert DeNiro after Brandon tells him that Ol’ Crazy Eyes is coming for a visit. Because you see, Dylan Knows. Of The Sex. 


Brenda: "Mr. Brody, you are not cute. I have really bad taste before Dylan comes along. And after, for that matter. Stuart, anyone?" 


"Yes, I am kind of gross. My hair rivals that of Brandon’s in the Pilot episode."


"I have WAY LONG eyebrows right now. And yes, I’ll babysit your brats for you."


Brandon: "[Wearing a LAVENDER shirt and sporting wood.]"

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME." 


So David and his stupid hair tell Brandon about some long-distance love of his. Whatever. Where is Poor (Might-Already-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon? Did he already off himself because David is The Worst Friend In The History Of The World? 


"I’m just going to stroll by in my jammie-bottoms with some sage advice. And I am literally the only person EVER who could get away with wearing these pants out in daylight hours. Because I am hot."


Post-school, Brenda is still way-excited for Brandon’s sexing later that night. 


They arrive home to find Sheryl...


AND HER CRAZY EYES. Which don’t look so crazy here. Just you wait. Also, she is 41. Maybe Brandon can introduce her to Steve when it doesn’t work out between them. 


Sheryl: "[41.]"

Brandon: "[Simpering, patronizing wiener.]"


So then they go to Brandon’s room and look at an old yearbook and mack.


And then of course Cindy and her Bad Hair cock-block Brandon. Her…culotte…pants (?) are a fucking nightmare. 


Sheryl: "My hair is pretty trashy. Did a lot of people in the early-‘90’s have trashy hair? Like your mom? And kind of you right at the moment? And did people think it looked trashy, or was it just the norm?"

Brenda: "Yes. But my hair is about to get SO AWESOME. Like, you’ll want to cry your 41-year-old eyes out. Also, standing next to you, I look 12."


Brenda: "Also, I’m TOTES going to go for my teacher who I’m babysitting for. This is just practice for when I am hot for my summer school drama teacher, who will turn out to be a predator and look like a fucking mongoloid."

Sheryl: "[Still 41.]"


Jim/Cindy: post-roll in the hay (I assume). Cindy’s all worried about the sexing between Brandon and Sheryl. Jim, who’s an asshole, is all like, “whatevs. But don’t worry. When Brenda has sex with her boyfriend, not just some one-night trick from Minnesota, I will make her feel like the Whore of Babylon. I’m awesome like that.”


Sheryl: "Um, hello. Taking a shower here."

Brandon: "I am a horndog and need you to give me a handy or something."


Brandon: "I’m basically going to handcuff you so it’s impossible for you to get out of this. Kinda date-rapey, non? Just in keeping with this show’s general theme, I guess."


They decide to wait until later...


…for when everyone else in the house is asleep. Except for Cindy. Because she wants to hear what’s going down?

Yup. 


Sheryl asks if he has protection, and Brandon says something along the lines of "I've always had protection, just no one to protect"...like, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? As if this moment couldn't get any more fucking revolting. 


And then: Brandon and Sheryl Do The It. 


And then the next morning, Brandon is a GIGANTIC TOOL SHED in his light, light, light, light jeans and dances around his room to Big Band Music. Because his penis saw the inside of a vagina. WHATEVER. 


Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh smiles all knowingly proud of his son for laying the pipe to Sheryl. Cindy wants to divorce Jim, kidnap Brenda, and move back to Minnesota. 


And then Brandon picks up Sheryl in her hideous top with her hair all bad and twirls her around the kitchen and kisses her. DON’T MAKE IT TOO FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT YOU GUYS DIDDLED LAST NIGHT OR ANYTHING, YOU MORON.    


Brenda, still 12 and in Shaq’s Sleep Shirt, is all, “My sex life will be so much hotter than these two foolios.” It's true, you guys.


Jim’s all, “Way to be, stud. Way to be. Remind me to tell you about the first time I drilled your mother. Her and Sheryl have similarly bad hair, so I think it’s pretty fitting.”


“I hate you, Jay Sherman. Can’t wait for the ‘Beach Blanket Brandon’ episode where I get lectured ABOUT SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND to within an inch of my life.”


Sheryl: "Let’s see LA! My crazy eyes are about to come out! And I’m TOTES going to freak out on you."

Brandon: "Whatevs. I just got some punane." 


WHATEVER. 


Then they go to the Bel Age (OF COURSE) because Dylan asked them to stop by. 


AAAAND here’s The Crazy. 


Then Dylan comes up looking good in a blue shirt, and Brandon, knowing he can’t compare, runs off to Ladies Room. Like the pansy that he is. 


“Yes, yes. I know I have forehead wrinkles. But it doesn’t matter because I am ADORABLE. And have you SEEN my car?”


"No, but me and my Crazy Eyes would love to see your 'rocket'.”


“Um. No thanks. But I’m going to be nice to you because you look a little nuts. And I’m charming. So let’s go to a club tonight and you can dress really hideously and act like a total psycho there.”


“So, does my Crazy Hair match the intensity of my Crazy Eyes? And do you think these armholes on this shirt should be bigger?”


“I don’t know, nor do I care. Your story line is ALSO really boring. I am somehow managing to make this outfit I’m wearing not completely awful. In conclusion: shut up, Sheryl.”


Jimbo: "Let’s talk the birds and the bees…but I mostly just want to tell you how proud I am of you and your penis."

Brandon: "Thanks, Large Guy."


THE FIRST SCENE WITH BOTH DYLAN AND BRENDA. GOD. Make out or fight or smash a pot or cry really dramatically, you two. 


Unfortunately for us, they don't do any of those things. But Sheryl gets a hard-on for Dylan’s car, because, duh, so she rides with him to the club, and Brandon takes Brenda to her tool shed teacher’s house to babysit. 


Brandon: "I’m all untrustworthy and paranoid that Dylan’s going to put the moves on Sheryl. Also: I look pretty damn hot here."

Brenda: "Yeah, you kind of should be those things, considering what’s going to happen to me at the hands of Dylan and Kelly in a couple of years. In conclusion: NEVER TRUST ANYONE."


“I am dorkily adorable right now. Also, why does your driveway lead right up to the front door? Did this used to be the garage?” 


Mr. Brody: "I…don’t know. Come meet my shrew of a wife!"


“Whatever. Sheryl could be my older sister.”


Brandon, in his club gear, winds up bum-rushing the door of the club because Michael Bolton won’t let him in to sing “When A Man Loves A Woman” karaoke. 


Inside: no karaoke, but Brandon spies THIS from above…


…and throws a brow-furrowed hissy fit as only Brandon can. 


Brandon: "Since Sheryl went to use the can, I’m now going to get all up in your face and give you the what for."

Dylan: "That bitch is cray-cray."


Brandon: "Whatevs. I’m going to deck you. And even though I’m technically a Little Person, I will be able to take you out, because YOU only weigh about 105."

Dylan: "Yup." 


The World: "KILL HIM, DYLAN. KILL HIM NOW."


"Nah, bra. Get your priorities straight. Or some nonsense."


So then Dylan gets the hell out of Dodge, and Brandon huffily approaches Sheryl at the bar while she’s chilaxing with…I don’t know.

The Crazy Eyes really come out when Brandon tries to force her to leave. She gets all hell-to-the-no with what I think are globe earrings, which I totally had, and then drops this truth-bomb on him: when they slept together the night before, IT WASN’T HER FIRST TIME. So really, the title of this episode only applies to that panty-waist Brandon. 


This is Brandon’s only response. Well, and then he becomes a gigantic vagina and slaps the glass off of the bar, causing shards of it to fly into the face of all the bartenders, bar-backs, etc. Because Brandon is a monster. 


Blah, blah, ugly teacher, blah, NO ONE CARES. Mr. Brody’s kids are brats. And the boy is Jonah, from Sleepless in Seattle


See? 


Then the two fashion victims show up. Kelly says something SUPER-inappropriate to Jonah, all like, “you’re going to be so fucking hot like your dad when you grow up…except that your dad is really not hot at all.” 


Back at the club: Sheryl, Crazy-Eyed and apparently The Slowest Walker In The World, hops into a cab…in her hideous skirt…


…and Brandon kicks it Opening Credits Style by chasing after her to no avail. OHMYGOD, WHO CARES??? WHEN DOES THE BRENDA AND DYLAN STORY LINE START??? This is all SO VERY tedious. 


Brenda: "Get the fuck out, you rude fucking bitches."

Kelly: "I have to ogle Prof. Not-Hot some more. And drink their water. And behave like a boor. Also, my hair kind of looks okay like this." 

Donna: "…"


Mrs. Brody: "What the fuck?"

Professor Not-Hot: "Sweet. Let’s go have an orgy."


Brenda: "Professor Not-Hot, you are NOT HOT. And these pin-striped pants might be way-adorable."

Kelly: "I’m ready for an orgy!"

Donna: "…"


Kelly has the decency to drop Brenda off at home, after she ruined any chances Brenda had for babysitting in Beverly Hills again. Donna…whatever. 


WHUUUUUH? Turns out Sheryl ran away from home. And nobody cares. Not her parents, not Brenda, not even Cindy, though she has to pretend that she does by shaking a stuffed panda bear in the air while wearing the latest in Fundamentalist couture. 


Brandon tracks Sheryl down at Dylan’s Bel Age lair. Then they make-out while waiting for Sheryl to emerge from the bathroom, post-puke. 


Sheryl: "Wipe that fucking smug look off of your face, tool."

Brandon: "[Judgmental; WHAT'S NEW???]"

"You left and I had no one and I have a stepdad who hates me and my Crazy Eyes and I’m just a Poor Little Probably-Middle Class Girl.”


"I am still judgmental and have bad hair, and I mostly just want you to get the fuck out of Beverly Hills."


Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh, Cindy in her Sister Wives best, and Brenda in her cute night shirt, all discuss the fact that THEY DIDN’T KNOW SHERYL’S PARENTS WERE DIVORCED. Waitwaitwait, WHAT? Crazy Eyes dates your son/brother for a year, they go to the same school, you are all, assumedly, a part of the same community and you didn’t know her parents were divorced? And your dick-bag son/brother never talked to Sheryl about her problems at home??? Like, I know that it’s high school and all, but GOOD GOD. YOU’RE ALL MONSTERS.


Cindy: "Sheryl, I know you’re in the midst of a family crisis, but can you get the fuck out now? Your…issues are really starting to be an albatross."

Brandon: "Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mom."

Sheryl: "Whatever. You Walsh people are fucking horrible."


Brenda: "Let’s talk about how you knew nothing about Sheryl in the freaking year you dated her."

Brandon: "Actually, all I really want to do right now is say goodbye to Sheryl."

(Like, Brandon LITERALLY said something THAT fucking rude right then. Basically, “smell ya later, Sheryl. I can’t deal with you and Your Issues.” I…can’t even with these people.)


Brandon: "Peace out, Sheryl. You may have Crazy Eyes and be 41, but that’s not my problem."

Sheryl: "You know what your problem is? That vest." 


“Wait! It’s none of my business but who did you sleep with before me? And what kind of horrifyingly inappropriate thing were you going to tell me before you head back to Minnesota?”


“I’m not going to divulge who I slept with because, shut up, Brandon. But, see Brenda RIGHT behind me? RIGHT THERE? And I TOTES would’ve seen her when I came down the stairs? Keep that in mind.”


"Brandon, you were a wonderful lover.” 


And then Brandon made this look and I went and stabbed my eardrums repeatedly with some rusty tweezers. And lost ALL sympathy for Sheryl. I hope she goes back and drowns in Lake Minnetonka. Because NO ONE, but NO ONE should EVER use the term “lover.” ESPECIALLY not a supposed 16-year-old, and ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY not a 16-year-old RIGHT IN FRONT OF her “lover's” FAMILY. SHUT UP, PIG DOG SHERYL.

My thoughts exactly, Brenda. Now go get back on the set of In Living Color. The other Fly Girls are waiting. 


So now it really IS time for some Sexy Talk With Big Jimbo…


…EXCEPT THEN THIS HAPPENED AND I HAD TO TAKE THE TWEEZERS AND PLUCK OUT MY ACTUAL EYEBALLS, SO NOW I’M BLIND AND DEAF AND CAN NO LONGER GO ON. JIM’S BACK IS APPARENTLY WHERE BRANDON’S EPISODE 1 MULLET WENT TO DIE. MY GOD. THE END.



All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.

5 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. 41 rules! Seriously! I swear I have nothing against 41-year-olds (and I'm not too far off myself, honestly)...except for 41-year-olds by the name of Steve SAUNders.

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  2. Sheryl, Crazy-Eyed and apparently The Slowest Walker In The World, hops into a cab...

    That apparently hopped into the 90s from the 40s, by the looks of it....

    I forget - Cindy and Jimbo learn about Brandon and Sheryl knocking boots in this episode, or is just implied by the whole "not that far away in the same house when it happened" thing?

    Obviously, Brenda overheard the "lover" comment at the end, but does everyone else get confirmation too?

    Also, I'd forgotten how Walsh-centric these early episodes are. Like, the other characters are there, but they're only onscreen along with Brenda and/or Brandon. Everything is from their POV, no cutaways to like, Dylan moping in the hotel or Steve sitting at home, being 41.

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    Replies
    1. HOLY MOSES it's almost been a YEAR! since I wrote this one. WOWZA. Time sure flies when you're recapping shitty t.v. shows. Actually, by now I feel like I should be on Season 7.

      ANYWAY, as I recall, Jim says something to Brandon at the very end while they're playing basketball, and Brandon tells Jim to tell Cindy that he and Sheryl were "careful" or some shit. You'd think I'd know for certain by now, since my life pretty much revolves around this crap-heap. But I guess I got distracted by the luxurious mink coat on Jim’s back.

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  3. I don't know how I just now came across these awesome recaps, but thank you for writing them. I actually think I had a similar outfit to Crazy Eyes' club outfit in the early nineties. The shame!! Because of Brenda's 'in living colors' ensemble, I also now remember how awful the neon color blocking of the nineties was. Especially on the mountains among skiers on spring break. "The mink coat on Jim's back" had me rolling..whahahaa!!!

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