Take a look-see at Part 1, right the hell here, and dive on into Part 2. NOW:
We're right inside the Craftsman living room, where Brenda, in a gorgeous dress-and-hairdo combo, sits on the couch and watches TV. The doorbell rings because, along with Cindy and her constant phone-answering, that's all that ever happens on this show.
She peeks out the window, smiles, then opens the door adorably with a sunny, "Bonjour, travelers!"
Donna and Kelly stand on the porch, and following Brenda's greeting, Donna bursts into tears. I would take both of their dresses behind a middle school and get them pregnant; their VERY 1992 hairstyles, which I unsuccessfully attempted to replicate dozens of times as a thoroughly unfashionable preteen with only a bottle of Rave hairspray to her name? Not at all. Also: Tori was so good at this stuff in the early days. A true underrated comedienne many times during the first four seasons. Anyway, Kelly explains to Brenda that Felice is still making Donna go to Paris, even after Kelly's abandonment of the trip. Of course Our Felice is. Of course. Probably so she can have the Manor to herself for some farewell dicking-down from the middest man who ever lived. You're not giving up a guy that beige without a fight and one last au revoir with his undoubtedly disappointing dong.
Brenda brings the girls mugs of something, Donna saying, "I'm not blaming Kelly; I just wish she would've blown off the trip while my mom still could've gotten her deposit back," and then, turning to Kelly: "I think it's great that you're bonding with this new life force, but are you telling me this has nothing to do with Jake?" Really gonna need the hat tips to Joke to cease entirely up in this bitch. That predator is West Hollywood's and its citizens' problem now. Go clumsily slobber all over someone else's face and be gone. Forever.
Donna moans that she can't do a whole summer in Paris by herself, and Brenda tells her that she'll make friends, then whips out her fluent French that's never been mentioned and purrs, "La ville de la lumiere. La ville des jolies poules." Google tells me this translates to, "The city of light. The city of pretty chickens," and because I'm both extremely dumb and extremely lazy, I will choose to believe this. They continue to discuss Donna's Paris-aversion, Donna jokingly asking Brenda, "So, what are you doing after tomorrow?" Brenda's all, "Oh, yeah, right. I'll be a stowaway in one of your suitcases...since I'm not talking to my parents, it'd be kinda hard to hit them up for the money to send me there."
Kelly, a mere 20 minutes away from the first hints of the start of her clandestine affair with Dylan - which, mind you, begin 20 SECONDS after Brenda boards the airport shuttle, like, she's not even out of the fucking parking lot WHAT IN THE ACTUAL - adds, "Plus, you'd have to leave Dylan." Donna whines, "What about me? I'm leaving David!" and Kelly speaks for us all, telling her, "Oh, this is different. Because David is a non-entity and on the cusp of bringing us whatever is the opposite of Song of the Summer. He should literally be taken out to sea and Big Pussy Style clipped after subjecting innocent eardrums to his non-talent and complete absence of shame. Brenda and Dylan are living together. They're making a statement. A beautiful statement." She asks Brenda how it's going.
Here. Brandon, bringing his favorite Peach Pit tradition, i.e. not working, to the Beach Club; Dylan, bringing surfboard minus top of half of wetsuit and exposed nipples. Johnny Utah bitches, "I'm tellin' you, Brandon, she's makin' me crazy...you don't know the half of it." And even though Brandon has done nothing but get involved and be supremely spooky about the Brenda/Dylan relationship from DAY FUCKING ONE, he tall tales, "To be truthful, I don't wanna know the half of it. I don't wanna know any of it. It's one thing if you're putting down my old man, but, when it comes to my sister, I just don't wanna hear it." He adds that Dylan could always, "ship [Brenda] home," But Dylan insists, "No, I can't, man. There's a major principle involved here."
Brandon then gets SOOOOOOPER close to Dylan's face and queries, "And what principle is that, Dylan? Misery loves company?" Firstly, no, that was the last episode. And secondly, they stare longingly into each other's eyes and don't even kiss or anything and Brandon turns and walks away to go not work some more and what a waste.
Keys. On a counter. Being picked up.
The back of a wildly ugly shirt from the Chico's Factory 80% off clearance rack.
Brenda! Enters! And to the the wearer of the hideous shirt: "Hi, Mom."
Cindy, legitimately surprised: "Brenda." Brenda goes on to inform her mother, "Kelly said that you were at the Beach Club yesterday asking about me. So I just wanted to stop in and assure you that I'm alive and well, and despite our recent fallout with you guys, that...everything's great and I'm very happy with my decision...to be with Dylan, in the open. As a matter of fact, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, probably my whole life."
Cindy, in turn, gives her a real, "Sure, Jan" look and tells her that she's glad Brenda's happy. They tiff a bit about Jim being THE WORST (Brenda: "I can't stay, Mom, not under his rules. Not until he can show me a little respect." Cindy: "Respect is something you earn, Brenda." Me: "Jim's should be murdered.") and then Cindy adds, "Before I forget, I got a couple of cassettes on how to speak French for Kelly and Donna."
Brenda tells her it's only Donna that's going: "Can you believe it? I mean, I'm sure the baby is cute and all, but if it were me, I would give anything to be able to study in Paris."
Cindy, those wheels already a-turnin'! says, "Well, I hope you know what you're doing with Dylan, honey."
And then she dusts Brenda's ass with a, "[Going to] the Beach Club. Have a nice day!" while sliding on her sunglasses and being sooooo much better at this (i.e. LIFE, but also parenting) than Jim.
Over here: Brandon wheels a bike; Steve regrettably approaches. I would implore Brandon to hop on that beach cruiser and peddle himself directly into the ocean as quickly as possible, but they're both bottom-feeding morons, so whatever.
Steve proves this in spades and then some by scumbag-proposing that he and Brandon swap the twins they're dating, coining it, "the old switcheroo," like the walking humiliation he truly is. Also, a semi-similar story line will play out in a few years on a much better show so please choke on one of your rosy teats and die, Steve-O. Also: a shout out to Monica Creel, who will go on to appear in yet another much better episode of the aforementioned much better show. The Creel Triplets were a real juggernaut of late-80s-to-mid-90s entertainment.
SIGHHHHHHH, Steve goes on to spew some more vile nonsense ("This is pure Fantasy Island time!" "Two for the price of one!" "That way, if one of them turns out to be a dud, neither one of us has to suffer.") before Brandon catches his snap: "Wait a second, didn't you go out with Rory last night?" Steve did indeed, and they ended up spending most of it in the Cedars' ER because she couldn't stop projectile vomiting after coming to wholly regret her decision to go on a date with Steve had food poisoning, which sounds like a barrel of guffaws compared to the alternative, i.e. Steve mounting her and/or breathing all over her cheek.
Later, Claire exits her cabana and approaches Brandon and Steve, who are waiting on the deck and WHAT THE FUCK IS STEVE'S SHIRT. Brandon asks her, "How's the patient?" meaning Rory, and Claire tells them, "She's more embarrassed about being seen with Steve than anything else, but she'll be fine. She just has to lie down for a little while."
Steve, looking like that in a public space surrounded by presumably sighted people, makes things astronomically worse for all hearing people and smarms, "I'll lie down with her, if it'll make her feel better."
Miraculously, the sea doesn't swallow the entirety of the Club following that bone-chilling grotesquerie, and then the guys are off to grab a table for dinner. Claire tells them she'll meet up with them in a bit and as she walks away they both stare after her like the burgeoning sex criminals they really are.
As they walk, Steve tells Brandon that he's lucky: "You meet a girl and immediately you get Karma for life. I meet a beautiful damsel in distress and it turns out I'm the one in distress." Rather than Krav Maga throat-striking Steve in the larynx right then and there and saving us ALL, Brandon tries to reason with him: "Rory's cool, she's just havin' a bad run of luck. Bein' in the sun was too intense for her," but Steve OF COURSE continues to beat the perverted Twin Swap drum with, "Wanna trade?"
HoW.
Inside the kitchen, Jim sets his briefcase on the counter as Cindy chops up a farm's worth of hearty vegetables. Does anyone want to guess 1) if Jim is or isn't upset, and 2) about what he's upset? Because I'm certain that all of you will be able to pass this pop quiz with flying fucking colors, so Jim, the floor is yours:
"She was here?! She was in this house and you didn't lock her in the basement??! She came here to raid our refrigerator, and bring more clothes back to Dylan's house!" After Cindy insists that Brenda was actually (and very clearly) there to initiate the peace process, Jim, who's EQ hasn't seen the light of day since his birth, demands, "How can you say that? Did she apologize? Did she express any concern for our feelings? Did she do anything other than insult you and announce that she will never live in this house under our rules again?"
Cindy, finally, fucking FINALLY, has had enough: "Fine! If all you wanna do is escalate the battle, then by all means, call your lawyer friend and go on the attack. But if you have any interest in regaining the love and loyalty of the only daughter we're going to have in this lifetime, then I strongly suggest that you sit down and listen to what I have to say for a change."
Jim of course doesn't apologize, or express concern for his wife's feelings; he just crosses his arms and says, "I'm listening."
Cindy rolls her eyes with a, "Hallelujah," something I would only say in regards to Jim after he was behind bars.
Here. Dylan enters.
Brenda. Couch. Despondent.
Dylan timidly asks, "Was I supposed to bring home dinner?" She monotones, "I don't know, were you?" and he sort of jokingly responds with, "Who cares, right?" She tells him she does; he asks if she wants him to go to the market.
"Dylan, I just want you to hold me."
He sits down next to her and pulls her close. She tearfully asks him, "What are we doing?" and he sweetly says, "I don't know. But whatever we're doin', Bren, we gotta stop. I mean, we gotta stop pretendin' that we're married or we're gonna get a divorce."
She tells him about her visit to the HoW earlier in the day, and how she saw Cindy and then she was there by herself and sat in Jim's fart chair and that she started thinking that the Walshes may have been better off had they stayed in Minnesota. But she adds, "And then I started thinking about you."
They proceed to give us some of the ol' razzle dazzle.
Dylan pauses it, holding up a finger and saying, "Hmm, Brenda, just, just one thing."
He starts throwing magazines up in the air from the side table and Brenda laughs as ~zAnY~ music plays.
More smooching.
Nighttime. Waves.
Steve and Rory hang by a lifeguard tower. Lord help me, I like Steve's County Seat-ass sweater. Rory seems unwell, again, because she's on a date with Steve. Steve. How many times do I have to explain this? He tells her, "You're feeling much better, aren't you? You slept it off most of the day. The swelling's down. You haven't eaten shellfish in 24 hours. I honestly think we may have turned a corner here!"
He goes in for a kiss and is also 45...
...and she turns away and presses her hands to her face and bad-actresses, "I'm having an attack of sinusitis." A likely story, but whatever gets you out of having to feel Steve's hard-flaccid pressed against your waistline, girl. I get it.
Steve's reaction is to look annoyed and roll his eyes and GO BUY A MAGAZINE OR SOMETHING, FUCK. I realize it wasn't it as easy as firing up the internet and trolling for porn that way in Ye Olden Tymes, but my GAWD, man. It's called using your imagination and the palm of your hand. Jesus.
Immediately back here. Dylan's leaning against the front door frame and reading a piece of paper.
Brenda, eating pizza on the couch, asks, "What's wrong?"
He tells her, "It's from the trustees of the Estate of Dylan McKay. It's a summons to appear in your father's office tomorrow. Twelve o'clock. He's goin' after my money. He's informed the bank that he's considering freezing my accounts."
Brenda: "What does that mean?"
The DOOOOOOOOMEST Synth to ever DOOOOOOOOM: "That means he's playin' for keeps." Jim's a real fucking tool, no? And also: the women have no worth, right? They're just pawns in the Penile Measuring Games, yes? Awesome! Just wanted to make certain we're all on the same page.
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