Brandon reaches PEAK atrociousness here. Let's beat him to death. With words. And maybe like, The Craft level shenanigans of some kind. AHHHHHHNdrea could learn a lesson or two from the great Nancy Downs.
Such as: not doing this with this alarmingly uninteresting - and dastardly, given the Young Republicans of it all - bag of uncooked farina. I'm loath to make such a proclamation, but: YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS, AHHHHHHHNDREA. And also Brandon. But we'll get there.
And for now, she's giddy: "Pinch me, I still can't believe I'm not dreaming." As she says this she's running her hands up and down the back of his neck, which damaged me on an anatomical level from which I will never fully heal. He smarms, "Hey, chalk one up to the dreams do come true department," so not only is this guy a grade-A BORE, he's a fucking cheesedick who goes around spewing truly vom-inducing lines like that one. The camera pans back and around these two sick fucks...
...to Brandon, clearly in a real place of lurk as he pushes a laundry cart and glowers in their disgusting direction.
As is his wont, this lowest common denominator appears because of course he does, to add his two delusional cents to the mix: "She's tryin' to make you jealous, ya know. Girls pull stunts like this to make you realize you like them," and this has just positively never happened to Steve, not once. Brandon insists it's nothing, and that he wasn't even staring at AHHHHHNdrea and the putty-colored probable-bigot with whom she's currently canoodling.
Steve, 44, lays it on the line: "If you're gonna make a move, buddy, you'd better do it before it's too late." He then walks away to go blind other unsuspecting victims with his nuclearly braised upper body. Brandon looks back over at...
...this, stop it...
...then exhales and violently shoves the laundry cart out in front of him, because nothing says "quality guy" like one who throws a fit after being rejected by a woman.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT THESE KIDS. Sigh. AHHHHNdrea's leading her tykes to the water.
Cameron runs up, taps her on the shoulder and asks if he can join the group. AHHHHNdrea is more than happy for him to participate, and queries if he asked his mom for her permission, but this liar who lies promises that he has and she granted it. Kids are diabolique.
AHHHHHHNdrea gathers the rest of the tots around her, corralling them up by blowing on the whistle around her neck which she will absolutely incorporate into her Senior year regime as the dictator-in-chief of The Blaze newsroom/classroom/journalism club. Anyway, she introduces Cameron to the others...
...they all run off to play in the waves...
...and then Cameron's mother, Ellen, comes SPRINTING onto the scene, past AHHHHHHHHNdrea and toward her son, shrieking, "What's going on here?"
I'm extremely bored, so this is how this plays out: Ellen doesn't want her son joining the camp because if he gets lost, you can't just call out his name to find him; AHHHHHHHNdrea does some pretty major overstepping and criticizes Ellen's proto-helicopter parenting; he can't join; please let him join; no; yes?; OKAY he can join! Fin.
But the kid does smile and he's happy in the end so that's nice, I suppose.
Fade to La Champagne Brasserie.
Inside, the camera pans around to a table where Brenda and Donna sit, Brenda asking, "So, Kelly, a 17-year-old - [ed. note: I guess the rich DO really live differently because my fancy restaurant suggestion at that age would've been Black Angus, and it still kind of is, actually] - , recommended this place?"
Donna says that she did, and even though Donna and Brenda look fantastic and dressed appropriately for the setting, she comments, "She didn't warn me it was so dressy," after a woman wearing a hot pink frock identical to one I had for my Barbies walks by. Brenda gives her and up-and-down and admires, "Regardez that outfit."
Donna proclaims that she can't wait to hit the shops for some retail therapy, but Brenda wants to get a handle on their French before they venture out into these Parisian streets. Donna informs her that, "money talks," and Brenda warns, "I don't want people to take a look at us and say 'stupid tourists, let's take advantage of them'. You can't show any weakness here. You can't let on that you're not right on top of things, and now is a great time to start." It's more of the same twaddle from Part 1, so let's move on.
A clichéd French waiter approaches, yapping French at them. As the girls peruse the menu, Donna whispers across the table, "Bren, this is all in French."
Eye roll from the Frenchiest French man ever conjured in Hollywood.
In response, Brenda pretty easily orders the fish...
...while Donna freezes when it's her turn, telling him very pointedly (and charmingly) in English, "I. Don't. Want. Fish." I realize it sounds very Ugly American in a Foreign Country, but she really is very endearing.
She grabs their French to English dictionary from the table and thumbs through it...
...then eventually points at the menu and tells him, "This. Please. S'il. Vous. Plait." Brenda asks her what she got; Donna tells her, "Veau is veal"; Brenda changes her order to the same; high jinks will in fact ensue.
Camp Zuck. She's playing water balloon toss with the kids.
Brandon, a greasy loser who truly cannot accept that AHHHHHHHNdrea is no longer his number one swimf@n, arrives on the scene to wreak havoc on his friend's psyche and mind-fuck her into oblivion. That Brandon - what a catch!
Still in a place of lurk - this time, playful - he sneaks up, grabs a couple of balloons, tosses one at her and shouts, "Incoming!"
AHHHHHNdrea turns in shock...
...and then Brandon and the children line up together and he commands, "Ready! Aim! FIRE!" which they do.
AHHHHHHNdrea's a good sport about it but has no time for Brandon's scheming mischief, so she tells the kids to hit the water and she follows behind with an arm around Cameron.
Brandon, giving desperado, hurries to catch up to them and immediately lays on her the ol' passive aggressive razzle dazzle: "Hey, I heard about your new job. What're you plannin' to tell Henry? What about the kids?" AHHHHHHNdrea reasonably answers his questions rather than pulling out a tiny revolver and shooting him in the pompadour while informing him it's none of his goddamn business, and, regarding the kids about whom Brandon cares oh-so-much: "There are plenty of people who can run day camps. Henry's got that girl from Beverly just waiting in the wings." In response, this really, really, abysmally awful man puts on his most condescending voice - you know the one; we ALL know the one - and proceeds to guilt her: "That may be true, but I'm sure she doesn't know how to sign for the deaf."
At that, she stops in her tracks and as Serious Synth begins, she directs Cameron to go play with the others...
...then turns to Brandon with her arms crossed and doesn't do what she should do - spit in his mouth - but rather, let's him know, "That's a low blow."
Brandon, a true ghoul, disagrees: "No, it isn't. You went outta your way to drag that kid into your group, now he's havin' the time of his life and you're just gonna dump him." She asks, "Since when are you so worried about the feelings of a little boy?" He responds with an even more condescending HOW IS THAT HUMANLY POSSIBLE, "I'm glad this is so easy for you, AHHHHHNdrea."
At that, she bites back, "Thank you, Brandon. I'm glad you're glad," then turns on her heel and walks away instead of stabbing him repeatedly with a jagged seashell and rolling his wound-riddled, lifeless body into the Pacific Ocean.
Back at it. The gals discuss how hungry they are when Donna looks over Brenda's shoulder, stopping mid-sentence and saying, "David?"
ZOMG it IS David in his Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap cosplay...
...except that it's not David OR Vanilla Ice; it's like, Facsimile-of-a-Facsimile Silver.
Brenda proceeds to lecture Donna on what she calls the "dependent woman syndrome," that she read about in a magazine, and how Donna needs to recognize her own independence and not live and die by her man and referring to David as a "man" or anything in the realm of "man" is a friendship-ending offense. Whatever, then they sing Independent Women, Part 1 eight years before it was written and yayyyy fempowerment!
The waiter arrives with their food...
...and it is...not good.
Donna calls the waiter back, delightfully...
...and tells him, "Wait a second; I ordered veal."
He Frenches off, wishes them, "Bon appetit," and walks away.
Brenda says, "Okay, it looks weird. But I'm sure it's edible." Donna agrees, saying at this moment she could eat just about anything, and they both take their first bites...
...and are immediately disgusted. Brenda declares that it's "very, uh...French," while Donna says, "It's kinda...mushy."
Brenda picks up the dictionary, flips through it, then abruptly puts her hand up to her mouth, drops the book, brings her napkin up, and spits the food into it.
...
Donna spits hers out in the most adorable way possible. Brenda says, "From now on, let's just stick to fish."
Donna gargles with her water, nods and says, "No problem." An underrated comedic scene from the show. They're great together.
Back at the Clurb, Dylan sits at a table with a legal pad, writing his ode to Jack. I know when I have to pen an important letter, I plop myself down in the middle of a busy beach club dining area and make a showy display of my frustrations by forcefully crumpling up sheets of paper and littering them about the table and sighing a bunch.
I'm peeved even further by this one's presence, come to mildly flirt with Dylan about recycling the paper and asking him if he's writing the great American novel. No one thinks you're interesting. Except that he does. Oh, whatever.
He tells her it's a letter, she presumes it's to Brenda, he tells her it's for Jack, she says she'll leave him alone - BYE - but he says he needs a break and asks if she wanted to grab a soda. Oh, whatever.
They head over to the Snack Shack - the site of the catalyst for Steve's indecent exposure conviction - and sit down. Dylan asks after Jake and I completely forgot how much that fucking pervert transient kept being brought up after he had already scooted on over to Melrose Place. The Darren Starr-verse vertical integration runs deep. She tells him, "Not so hot. Things with [him] and I didn't go so well."
Dylan advises her, "Ya know, I told him not to mess with you," which of course is all Kelly and her extensive issues with men need from a human male - a modicum of their attention paid to her: "You talked to him about me?" Have I said "oh, whatever" in the last three paragraphs? Yes? A few times? Oh. She continues, "I really got sucked in. I ended up throwing myself at him." Sort of like you will. In the next episode. At your best friend's boyfriend. While she's away. In France. Sounds like you really learned a lesson. She then lies lies lies with, "Well, I guess I'm done with guys for a while. But thanks for tryin' to look out for me."
He reminds her, "Oh, hey, come on. We were in the same kindergarten class, remember?" and thus begins this revisionist history wherein Dylan and Kelly have some fucking profound cosmic connection that goes all the way back to when they were the small children of two pairs of shitty Beverly Hills parents and imprinted on one another or some such trash heap. Barf. She reminisces, "That's right! Ms. Carney. As I recall, you were the king of Quiet Time." As you should both be in this moment, please shut the fuck up. God, I hate this.
Anyway, he continues to complain about the letter, saying he can't think of one flattering thing to say about Jack, so Kelly instructs him, "When in doubt: lie." He tilts his bottle toward her with a little smirk because he knows they're both about to do just that - lie - so well, and says, "I may have to."
Elsewhere in dispatches from the Terrible People Department, Brandon catches up with AHHHHHHHNdrea as she heads out for a date with the 73-inch-long piece of compressed wood she's courting.
He awkwardly poses to her, "Hey, listen, what do you wanna go runnin' off with that guy to Houston anyway, huh?" She and her sassy mom 'do cross their arms once more: "Don't you approve? I don't need your permission to do this, Brandon."
He tries to win favor, i.e. MANIPULATE THE SHIT OUT OF HER, by saying, "It's just...I kinda wish you were stickin' around here for the summer. I'm gonna miss riding to work with you every morning, and helpin' you out with the kids." She is momentarily touched - DON'T FALL FOR IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA - and he adds, "But most of all, I'm gonna miss you."
Then this, which made do this.
Thank-fuck-fully, AHHHHNdrea's having NONE of it: "What the hell was that? Don't insult me like that, okay. Not now."
As she turns to walk away, he employs one of his favorite things - bodily preventing a woman from leaving the vicinity - and plays all Betty Boop who, me? and I've truly never hated a fictional character more than this moment: "Hey, wait, wait, what are you talkin' about?" She continues showing him his whole ass with, "The only reason you're the slightest bit interested in me is because I'm seeing someone else, and you know it. Where have you been the last couple of years, Brandon? You had your chance, you made your choice." AHHHHHHHNdrea's spine is currently made of titanium, and although I know it won't last, I'll take this momentary realization by her that this guy sucks, HARD, and she deserves so much more and better, i.e. none of the subsequent men with whom she'll have a relationship. AHHHHHHHHNdrea's dating track record will, unfortunately, be a who's who of who the fuck would date this clown?
But for now, she's a true shero: "I'd appreciate it if you'd get outta my way because I have a date," and OF COURSE before she can make a clean getaway, he and his ego make a last-ditch and mortifying go at her: "So break it."
She chuckles in his puke-face and asks, "What makes you think you're so damn irresistible?"
She finally dusts his ass and he looks gutted and is unable to answer her question because, dear readers, he is, in fact, 1,000,000,000% resistible and, might I add, repulsive. Kick so many rocks, Brandon.
Hooray! The latter Brandon-Zuck scene is literally my favorite moment in the entire show.
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