Part 2 of Season 3, Episode 7: A Song of Myself - Andrea wears a great dress! And has a spine! And tells Brandon to go fuck himself! And Steve's mullet for sure has its own pretty substantial gravitational pull!

Let's not mince words: things are bad.  So for a few minutes, reminisce and laugh and take a load off with the following ridiculousness.  But first: if you haven't yet, here's Part 1 for your reading pleasure. 

Kicky Drums play us back to school the next day.

At a tree, a young girl has been cornered by a 43-year-old man who has apparently wandered onto campus to strike fear and loathing in the hearts of all females and anyone with fashion sense and a good head of hair in the school.  The girl has the telltale stiff smile all women learn to plaster across their face when confronted with some unfuckable weirdo who wants to suck the life-force out of them with flirting-disguised-as-inane banter, as Steve demonstrates here: "Well, if you ever need a ride home, I've got a 'Vette." Just say you have a micro penis and move along, dude.

Herbert! - who, unbeknownst to him, is now this poor girl's lord and savior - jogs toward them, calling out, "Excuse me, Steve!" in a very friendly manner that Steve absolutely does not deserve.

Steve tells his hostage, "This'll just take a minute"...

...then walks toward Herbert with a grimace on his face, calls him by the wrong name again and demands, "Make it quick." Herbert wants to know the location of the computer lab; Steve gives it to him as if he knows where anything involving education or learning is, and for cruel measure, adds, "Just follow the dweeb droppings."

Also: LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT MULLET.  That thing resides in a separate zip code and stars in its own show called Beverly Hills, 90211.  The tail end of it enters a room a good 5 minutes after the front of it does.  That thing is a wholly hostile entity hellbent on toppling societies and overthrowing governments.

It also clearly scared the bejesus out of the girl Steve was victimizing after she caught a glimpse of it from behind because when he turns back around from speaking with Herbert, she's vamoosed, probably into the welcoming arms of the Witness Protection Program and a safehouse where Steve nor his hair can't hurt her ever again.

Part 1 of Season 3, Episode 7: A Song of Myself - SEPTEMBER HATH RISEN, IRL and in this very episode. Also: yet another Terrible Man© has been unleashed to torment the females and add to my ever-present and all-consuming agita.

Noted philosopher Scheana Shay once declared, "It's all happening." And indeed it is: it's senior year! We're headed into a stretch of episodes that altered my genetic code in fundamental and irreversible ways.  As much as I can get excited these days - which is to say: hardly at all - I'm excited.  Away we go.

FUCKING FINALLY, we're back at West Bev.

As Horn-and-Cowbell-Heavy Synth plays, we pan down from the tip-tops of the palm trees to an empty courtyard...

...which gradually fills up with students...

...and then I'm sadly reminded that this is the episode where we're introduced to the only person to ever rival Brandon in terms of Smarm Douchery: Gil Meyers.  Pity.

The camera lands here with Brenda, Dylan and Brandon.  Brenda looks TREMENDOUS in a shorts suit-type look.

Brandon, all unnecessarily swaggery WHAT'S NEW, asks, "Am I the only person that missed this place?" and then launches into The Hymn of Brandon, He Who Works at a Diner Ten Hours a Week MAX Toils in a Coal Mine: "All I know is that for the last three years, I've been workin' and studying my butt off.  This year, somethin's gotta give.  I gotta have some fun." He walks off and I pluck my eyeballs out of their sockets and roll them on the floor because rolling them inside of my skull isn't enough.

Brenda and Dylan stay behind; he says, "I thought that's what we been doin'?" and then proceeds to eat her face off.  Please stop.

These two.  VISIONS in white.  Donna's baseball-stitch dress is one of my all-time favorites, and her giant, Suzanne Sugarbaker hair here is the stuff of my dreams, I love it so much.

Donna queries, in reference to Brenda/Dylan, "How long do you think those two can really last?" Kelly, a giant bitch when she really has no place to be one, snoots, "I don't know, I'm not an astrologer, Donna." Donna adds that some people end up marrying their high school sweethearts, and then the familiar nasal of her high school sweetheart who she's SPOILER dismally going to marry in about seven years' time pierces through the air via the P.A. system: "Good morning, West Beverly.  This is your conscience speaking"...