Let's not mince words: things are bad. So for a few minutes, reminisce and laugh and take a load off with the following ridiculousness. But first: if you haven't yet, here's Part 1 for your reading pleasure.
Kicky Drums play us back to school the next day.
At a tree, a young girl has been cornered by a 43-year-old man who has apparently wandered onto campus to strike fear and loathing in the hearts of all females and anyone with fashion sense and a good head of hair in the school. The girl has the telltale stiff smile all women learn to plaster across their face when confronted with some unfuckable weirdo who wants to suck the life-force out of them with flirting-disguised-as-inane banter, as Steve demonstrates here: "Well, if you ever need a ride home, I've got a 'Vette." Just say you have a micro penis and move along, dude.
Herbert! - who, unbeknownst to him, is now this poor girl's lord and savior - jogs toward them, calling out, "Excuse me, Steve!" in a very friendly manner that Steve absolutely does not deserve.
Steve tells his hostage, "This'll just take a minute"...
...then walks toward Herbert with a grimace on his face, calls him by the wrong name again and demands, "Make it quick." Herbert wants to know the location of the computer lab; Steve gives it to him as if he knows where anything involving education or learning is, and for cruel measure, adds, "Just follow the dweeb droppings."
Also: LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT MULLET. That thing resides in a separate zip code and stars in its own show called Beverly Hills, 90211. The tail end of it enters a room a good 5 minutes after the front of it does. That thing is a wholly hostile entity hellbent on toppling societies and overthrowing governments.
It also clearly scared the bejesus out of the girl Steve was victimizing after she caught a glimpse of it from behind because when he turns back around from speaking with Herbert, she's vamoosed, probably into the welcoming arms of the Witness Protection Program and a safehouse where Steve nor his hair can't hurt her ever again.
Inside. Stairwell. Nikki descends / Brandon ascends and they literally run into each other, Brandon's arm lingering a little too long around Nikki's waist as he says, "No harm, no foul." I guess this - and another moment we'll get to in a few moments - is supposed to be their "meet cute" or whatever; I would characterize it more as "Nikki, don't let the dimples and winning smile fool you."
DJ Jazzy Dave's DJ Booth. He stands, sifting through a stack of CDs that undoubtedly reflect his appalling taste in music.
Nikki enters and immediately gets serious: "I've been thinking about how I handled things with Donna yesterday. I mean, I could've just said I bumped into you at the beach club this summer, but I didn't want to lie to her. I mean, I like you. And I like Donna. So I really don't want things to get sticky." That sounds pornographic, mostly because I assume David's bed sheets already are sticky over the situation, given that he thinks he's Stud Studley and multitudes of girls are throwing themselves at his probably-diminutive jock.
Whatever, he agrees and says he'll come clean to Donna later that evening about his and Nikki's brief, affront-to-mankind fling. What a gem.
Classroom. I think I forgot to mention in Part 1 that, in addition to being The Blaze's new faculty advisor, Gil's also the freshest AP English teacher on the block. And a total d-bag. Oh, I mentioned that part? Many, many times over? I see.
As Brandon, Andrea and a bunch of extras listen in, Gil rattles on about Walt Whitman and Leaves of Grass and "Song of Myself" (links included for everyone looking to have a simply RAUCOUS Friday evening of transcendentalist deep diving): "'I am the poet of the body, I am the poet of the soul. I am the poet of the woman the same as the man. And I say it is as great to be a woman as to be a man.'" I assume he'll use the fact that he quoted this verse in class as proof that he's not a raging misogynist, like when a racist gets called out for being a racist but says that can't actually be one because they have a POC as a friend.
Anyway, the bell rings, Gil finishes off with, "Whitman wrote that 150 years ago. Talk about being on the cutting edge. We'll get into more of it tomorrow," and before Brandon and Andrea can bounce, he asks, "Stick around for a minute, will ya?"
Brandon, oblivious that he's about to become Gil's #1 Boy, snarls at Andrea, "Had to get me back in the newspaper game, didn't ya? Have any idea what this is about?" Andrea, on the brink of complete mental collapse following Gil's library ambush of DOOM from the evening before, mopes, "I have a vague idea." At least her dress is INCREDIBLE.
As they approach his desk, Gil has to make the situation sound as depraved and lurid as possible: "So, [Andrea,] are you about ready to let him in on our little secret?" Everything out of this guy's mouth sounds like the not-so-subtle proposition of a three-way.
The erotica-tinged dialogue continues when Brandon asks if he's being ganged up on...
...but thankfully Gil's there to coddle and assure our little princeling, revealing, "Since no one else volunteered, Andrea and I have decided that you are the best person at this school to become the next editor-in-chief of The Blaze." The PROFOUND gaslighting here is grounds for a class-action lawsuit. Also, I didn't realize someone had to volunteer to be the editor of the paper each year? I refuse to believe anyone but no-life Andrea would be up to the task [non-derogatory].
Even though Brandon generally behaves as if the world owes him everything, he seems legitimately surprised: "It's a joke, right?" When Gil confirms it's not, Brandon asks Andrea, "You had somethin' to do with this?"
She can only manage to muster a dejected "Congratulations, Chief" and then hold her hand out to shake his. THIS IS FUCKING SAD. Truly: poor Andrea.
Gil's reaction is, of course, a knowing smirk.
We get another shot of Woman on the Brink Andrea, looking like she's going to vomit, hopefully all over Gil's patchy beard.
Another hallway.
Another Nikki / Brandon collision. We get it: these two are going to couple up.
After Brandon says, "We gotta stop meetin' like this," and they sort out their respective dropped books...
...Brandon walks away and OH NO Nikki stands and grins goonily after his retreating figure. I keep telling these girls but let me reiterate: YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS.
Brandon then catches up with Gil, calling out, "Mr. Meyers!"...
...which prompts Not a Regular Teacher, But A Cool Teacher Gil - who looks exceptionally blazed out of his mind right here for some reason - to turn around and tell him, "I gotta level with you. Every time someone calls me 'Mr. Meyers,' I keep lookin' around for my father. So when we're outta class, why don't you call me Gil? Especially now that you're the big kahuna." Nope, not creepy or predatory at all.
They wind up outside sitting too-close on a bench, where Brandon asks, "So, Andrea was okay with me takin' over the paper?" Gil lies, "She was your biggest booster. She's behind you 100%." Brandon miraculously realizes that Andrea is much more qualified than him - don't fret, reader! This won't last but a few minutes! - and says, "In my humble opinion, she's the one who deserves the job."
Gil then says something which causes my skull to crack and bust open with cranial shards flying through the air like so much shrapnel: "She's done it for the last two years. The poor girl needs a break, for God's sake."
Brandon then states the understatement of the century: "Granted, Andrea is intense but...it's like The Blaze is her entire life." Gil, who's known Brandon and Andrea for all of about 3 hours total, seems to think he knows best: "My point exactly. Every player's got to step up to the plate, don't they?" Brandon explains that he was really looking to just fuck-off for his senior year and then Gil turns the Dead Poets Society schtick up to an eleventy: "And what? 'Party radical, dude'? Is that what we're talkin' about? 'Cause if we are, I can totally relate. You're talkin' to the original couch potato. The thought of reading for my own pleasure was completely foreign to me, 'till I was a senior in high school, and then everything changed."
Brandon hasn't somehow burst into charbroiled flames of embarrassment after whatever that was that escaped Gil's mouth and asks, "What happened?"
Gil humiliates himself further after explaining that his teacher gave him a book of Whitman poems: "'It's only life" - and while pumping his fist - "with its immense passion, pulse, and power.'" Get a hold of yourself, man.
Brandon: "You really think I'm up for this?" HE WOULDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW BECAUSE HE BARELY KNOWS YOU.
But instead of admitting that, he puts an inappropriate hand on his student's shoulder and advises, "Go for it, Brandon." Gross.
These two. Mid-conversation. Brenda wants Dylan to have a barbecue for The Gang: "You have that big house and you never use it, except for furtive meet-ups and make-outs with your affair partner who also happens to be my best friend."
They happen upon Sue, wearing another stylistic catastrophe that is potentially the worst thing on which I've ever laid my eyes THAT'S FUCKING BETTY BOOP ON HER LEFT PANT LEG OH THE HUMANITY and linking arms with a guy giving major Jessie Spano hair. Sue and Brenda exchange hellos...
...and as she passes, Dylan, Mr. Counter Culture, off-the-beaten-path, "me thinks thou art stylin'" beatnik asks, "What reform school did she escape from?"
As they continue their stroll, Brenda continues to beat the barbecue-drum: "A barbecue is a great idea. We'll have it this Friday night, we'll invite everybody. Donna, Kelly...speaking of which, Kelly wasn't in Spanish class this morning. Where is she?"
The camera zooms out to show blinds being drawn, and the drawer of said blinds is...
...Mrs. Teasley! How we've missed you and your right-angle sofa-cushion shoulder pads!
Inside her office, we find Kelly, who inquires, "I was wondering if I could make a small change in my schedule," because not only is Mrs. T the Vice Principal of the school, she also handles students' drop/change requests? Sure, why not. Mrs. T asks Kelly what she had in mind Kelly tells her about some art class that Donna's been raving about, and Mrs. T weirdly says, "I don't recall your ever expressing any interest in art before," like your senior year totally isn't about taking fuck-all classes just so that you can meet your credits in order to graduate. Kelly says something about wanting to explore her "creative side."
And, would you look at that! If Kelly drops Spanish and takes her art class, her entire schedule will need to be rearranged! Our girl doesn't seem too broken up about it, though: "Oh, really? That's too bad. But, if that's what we've gotta do." Crafty.
Yet another outdoor hallway-type thing. David and Donna. He wants to hang with her after school so that he can devastate her with the news that he was unfaithful over the summer. Donna's going to be hanging out with Nikki so no-go. David still looks stopped up. Donna remains in the dark while wearing a cute gingham short-suit.
Now it's Andrea's turn to peek into the newsroom...
...and get a punch to the gut upon seeing Brandon holding court at her version of the Resolute desk.
She enters and solemnly declares, "Private Zuckerman, reporting for duty, sir."
Brandon's conferring with California Dreams and beckons Andrea over: "Just in time. Take a look at the new layout. What do you think?"
Andrea, rightfully, immediately gets her back up, sniping, "Why are you changing the layout?" He tells her that the old one's "kinda flat, don't you think?" Andrea does not think: "No, I, uh...I liked it. Mr. Meyers thought it looked flat."
Brandon senses something's rotten in the state of Denmark and tells California Dreams, "Let's leave the layout alone, okay? Andrea's right." CD calls him "Chief" - MAKE IT STOP - and walks away.
Turning back to her, Brandon-via-Gil has the brilliant idea to steal Andrea's work: "Meyers thought I should take a look at that report you did on how to streamline the paper." The gall.
Andrea agrees with me and she's had enough; fuming, she asks to see him in the hall.
She WHIPS open the door, walks a few paces, then turns to confront him: "This is not going to work out. Brandon, you're editor in chief. It's your job to streamline the paper. I am merely one of the foot soldiers. And I am not gonna hand over my ideas, which I stayed up until two o'clock in the morning to write, so that you can take the credit." This is...a very sad and pathetic admission, but I am ONE HUNDO PERCENT on her side.
Brandon decides to take a page out of his new mentor's heinous book, Condescending to Women: The Ins and Outs of Talking Down to the Little Ladies in Your Life: "Maybe you're suffering from, I don't know, sleep deprivation or something, 'cause I don't know where this is coming from. Gil merely told me you'd written a report that may be of some assistance to me. Now if you don't wanna give it to me, it's not a big deal." Kick rocks into the depths of everlasting inferno, Brando.
Andrea's taken aback by the sudden bro-down bond and familiarity between two dreadful men: "'Gil'? Well, I didn't realize you guys became so chummy."
He bypasses that line of questioning entirely and jumps straight to, "If you wanted to be editor so badly, why'd you back me for the job?"
And, OH, IT IS ON: "Excuse me! What was I supposed to do? Tell him you procrastinate, that you're disorganized, that you're not nearly as qualified to run The Blaze as I am? That's the truth! You do not have as much as experience as I have, and you definitely don't have the commitment!"
Based solely on his prerequisites of being a straight white guy, Brandon insists, "I can do the job, Andrea, just as well as you can."
SING IT SISTER she points in his stupid face and tells him, "Great. Then why don't you do the whole damn thing yourself?"
And with that she turns on her heel and stomps away.
Brandon stands still on the spot all smirk-jerk, before SHOUTING after her, "Oh, that's just great, Andrea! Walk away! It's not my fault you're too egotistical to deal with this!"
While this would be a friendship-ending and knife-fight prompting sentiment for me, Andrea is a better person; she simply turns back to look at him with disgust...
...he stares back, panting smugly, SHOCKER...
...she makes a I can't fucking believe what I just heard face + punching-fist activation combo...
...but eventually just slaps the interior door with her palm to open it and keeps on truckin'.
Some Tingy Synth Keyboard starts up in earnest as this one continues to stare and huff after her...
...and then he does a cunty little heel-turn himself and slams back into the classroom. This was a good scene on both actors' parts, but I think Gabrielle Carteris in particular really knocked it out of the park.
No Dean Cain Watch this week. Pop-Pop's probably still recovering from his not-at-all-related-to-Gestapo-"training" injury. But the rest of the country continues to burn to the ground at the hands of the sociopathic arsonist at the top, so. That's something, I guess.
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