Brush up on Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. And then dive into what is most certainly my last recap of 2025. And then rejoice in the thought that this cursed year is almost over. And then remember that, while we still have a loooooooooong way to go, the 2026 midterms are mercifully less than a year away and we're going to fight like nobody's goddamn business to get this country back to some semblance of what it was before and what I know it can be again. And then cry a lot because you've lost very important people in your life to this revolting cult this year and it makes you sadder than you've maybe ever been. And then continue to be sad but wipe away the tears, set a goal to get into Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 shape and prepare to go to the fucking mattresses for democracy.
Ominous Pipe Organ moans us over to the McKay McPrison.
Inside some kind of lockup break room, Dylan sits at a table reading when Jack comes bounding in.
They greet each other as all incarcerated millionaire fathers and their brooding estranged sons do: with a heartwarming handshake. Jack was expecting to see Dylan the following weekend; Dylan wanted to bring Jack some books. But because Jack is a jailbird, he apparently has a lot of time on his hands and is able to keep a lot of dates in his head, so he knows that this particular weekend is SAT Weekend, so WTF is Dylan doing there?
Dylan sits back down and surf brahs, "I just thought I'd go check out the waves at Avila State Beach instead." How totally tubular.
Jack gives him a look and joins him at the table, saying, "If you wanna learn everything the hard way just like I did, you're entitled. And you just wanna wait around, hang out, 'til your trust fund matures? Sounds good, huh?"
Dylan confirms, "Doesn't sound bad," and you know what, you guys? It really, really doesn't.
Jack then goes into his version of Little Poor Little Boy Who is Rich, which is basically subtitle: Make a Bunch of Money by, I Don't Know, Ponzi-Scheming People and Then They No Longer Respect You After You Bilked Them Out of Their Life Savings and They Will Now Die Penniless, a/k/a How to Scumbag Your Way Into Millions.
At this, Dylan stands all sassily and seethes, "That's right, I musta forgot who I was talkin' to. You know everything about tryin' to buy respect, don't you, Dad? I mean, that's the reason for the big endowment to California University, wasn't it?"
Jack stands just as sassily and informs his son, "That's right...and it didn't work. Because deep inside I knew I was a fraud." This prison must have an excellent therapy program for him to have come to this realization so quickly. He relents a bit and adds, "Whether you go to college or not is your decision. But if you bust your butt for four years and you get a degree nobody can take that away from you."
Dylan, visibly annoyed, spits out, "You and Jim Walsh have the same speechwriter." Jack replies, "I don't expect you to do anything just because I tell you to. But if you really want the respect of the Jim Walshes in this world, you better earn it." Gross! Why would anyone want the respect of this man?:
I'm good, thanks.
Dylan says he'll keep it in mind...
West Bev.
The Blondes + David sign in for their test at a table. David tells Donna, "You gotta stop thinking about that stupid show. Now if you're mind starts drifting during the test, remember what we learned: S-D-S-M. Scan, discard, select, move on." Thanks for the pipsqueak-splaining, DJ Dildo.
After Donna repeats the acronym, this juiced up douche literally walks between them and pushes past David (which was actually hilarious but also FUCKING ALARMING and I could go on again FOR DAYS about this verbally and physically abusive menace being Brenda's Non-Dream Date later in the season and NO ONE IN HER LIFE RINGING ANY ALARM BELLS or being concerned in the slightest, but I won't bore you with it, and oh, would you look at that, I just did)...
...and approaches Steve and Kelly still in line, snarking, "Heyyy, saw you guys on TV last night."
Steve, looking particularly 39 here (good sunglasses, though) tells him, "Miller, why don't you leave Kelly alone? She's had a hard enough time without your lip." I'll give him this: it's nice that he immediately jumped to Kelly's defense. Tony insists, "Hey, I'm not gonna diss her, man. I'm just a little concerned about your 'emotional instability'." Aren't we all, but you shut the fuck up. Only I get to comment and make fun of that.
Steve removes the shades and provides us with the above, which is simultaneously the weakest yet most iconic line he's ever uttered.
Tony smirks his big, meathead smirk - which Kelly returns tenfold, no notes - and walks past them.
Tense Ass Keyboard begins as Brenda, looking teary-eyed but FABULOUS, approaches Donna and David.
Brenda: "I tried to call you last night."
Donna, having apparently taken Cvnt Lessons from Kelly the evening before: "Scan, discard, select move on."
She walks away and David raises his dumb eyebrows at Brenda and then skedaddles.
Brenda tries again with Kelly and Steve: "Kelly, I know how mad you must be, but please let me say something before we go in there. Even though we've been fighting a lot lately, you have to know that I love you, and I would never have said those things about you, on or off camera. I mean, you have to believe me, I feel terrible."
Kelly, having given Brenda the stink eye the entire time she was, to me, very sincerely and meaningfully explaining herself, can only sneer back, "It's okay, Brenda. I'm sure you needed to get that off your chest. And now that you've done what you needed to do to feel better, I have a test to take."
After turning on her heel and heading inside, Steve activates his rampant TMJ in Brenda's direction, then follows suit. Let me just say: what Brenda did was not great. She shouldn't have supplied Back Story with any grist for their disgusting mill. BUT. These supposed fuck face friends of hers should also be willing to hear her out, let her explain, etc., MY GOD.
Brenda agrees with me and stays behind, blinking back tears.
Some dusty hick town.
Which is apparently Lompoc? Sure. I know Lompoc exists solely because of this show so whether it actually is The Sticks as depicted here, I have no idea.
Dylan enters the school and similar to West Bev, a man sits at a table where kids sign in to take the SATs. Dylan hands over his ID and does his dad proud. I would question where this 17-year-old stayed the night before but then I remembered that it's a underage free-for-all up in this bitch and renting a hotel room is literal child's play to these people.
Back to the HoW where Brandon is coming down the stairs, the doorbell rings, he answers it and...
...it's Beth! Dressed as some cloistered-until-recently school-marm priestess, she asks if Brenda's home.
Brandon advises that she's not and when Beth reveals her identity, Brandon goes into full Smug BITCH Mode and for the first (and maybe last) time ever, it is delicious: "Ahhh, the backstabber from Back Story. What do you want with my sister? More gossip, or have to come to finish her off?"
She asks if she should come back or, "Will [Brandon] take a message?" Wow. Get fucked, lady. The audacity, it is brazen.
Luckily, Brandon's not quite done with his snips and snipes: "I think you owe it to her to talk to her face-to-face. Just outta curiosity, what could you possibly have to say to my sister after that smear job?"
But Beth has seen the light...12 hours too late: "That I quit. My stomach can't handle it anymore, and neither can my conscience." I mean, better late than never, but whatever. She asks if he knows how she can get in touch with Kelly Taylor...
...at which he softens and tells her, "Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do."
Back here. Kelly, Steve and David exit the school, Kelly breathing a sigh of relief that it's over: "Ya know, somehow it seemed easier for me this time." Steve posits, "It was a walk in the park for me. I nailed that sucker," so we all know he failed miserably. Kelly goes back to being a terrible human real fast by insisting, "Speaking of walking, let's get outta here before Ms. Teenage America comes out." My, she's an eye-watering asshole.
So they're off to go eat somewhere, but David's concerned about leaving Donna behind, who's getting extra time due to her learning disability. They start quibbling about leaving and coming back or staying and waiting when Kelly spots Brenda and snidely announces, "Oh, great, look who's coming out." Just shut THE FUCK UP, Kelly, Truly. Shut the fuck up. You've been a terrible friend to Brenda, you're currently being a terrible friend to Brenda, you're absolutely on the cusp of continuing to be a terrible friend to Brenda. Shut THE FUCK all the way up. GOD.
As Brenda walks swiftly past the trio of losers, Steve proclaims, "Well, I've got nothing to say to her." Steve, sweetie? May I remind you that no one, anywhere, ever has anything to say to you? Not even something like, say, "Get bent, you fuck-ass, micro-phallic pinhead with a bad wig attached." Nope, not even that.
Awaiting Brenda is Beth and Brandon. Brandon inquires how the test went and a still-tearful Brenda tells him, "As badly as you would expect considering the amount of sleep that I got last night."
Beth, who should probably also shut the fuck up forever, shares, "Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't sleep much either, Brenda" - that's not any consolation at all, sister - "You have every right to hate me. I totally betrayed your trust."
Brenda, terrorized by this virtual stranger and her closest friends in the matter of a 24-hour period: "Yeah, you did and I don't get it." As she says it, the three pustules approach from behind and they're of course complete nitwits about the whole thing, to wit, a hysterically accusatory Kelly: "You were in cahoots with them too, Brandon?" Firstly, get several grips. Secondly, "cahoots"?
A momentary thank goodness for Beth, who immediately jumps in and says, "No, he wasn't, and neither was Brenda. She's as much an innocent victim in all of this as you were. That's what I'm here to try to explain."
Steve, trying and failing to go full Ivan Drago With A Perm: "Yeah, save it for the judge." He's not wrong - they should alllll sue the show - but he's also very stupid and sounds ridiculous.
Brandon swoops in to Beth's defense, telling his dandelion spore of a friend, "Steve, come on, give her a chance." But Kelly comes in hot with, "Why should we believe anything she has to say?"
Beth...has a lot of problems, yes, but she's basically like, duh: "Why else would I be here if I didn't wanna tell the truth? I caved at the end, and I have to live with that. But it didn't start out that way. We wanted to do it differently, Brenda and I. We wanted to say, hey, you see this blonde bombshell from Beverly Hills? Well, she's really a terrific girl. She's sweet and intelligent and one of a kind."
Brenda asks why THE FUCK they didn't end up going with that, and Beth gets real about adulthood and how it blows because you have to answer to some knob pervert like Supervising Producer Dan and he has to answer to some even knobbier, pervertier boss-type above him and Hollywood is a succubine cesspool of filth that sucks you in and turns you into soulless, subhuman garbage.
Steve and his never-ending mother issues, however, can't let it go: "That's not a good enough reason." Beth agrees and says that why she quit. Then she exonerates Brenda even further by handing over the tape of their original discussions. Which weren't exactly glowing endorsements of any of these dweebs, but whatever.
Kelly takes the tape and immediately forgives Brenda because Kelly is an egomaniacal skag and constant praise and adoration are her horse feed.
They hug and Brenda doesn't shiv Kelly with the business end of her Ticonderoga or anything.
Beth pulls her cigarettes out of her bag, and yes, anyone would have to power-puff a Pall Mall after being subjected to Steve for this long of a period...
...only to be scolded by Brenda - "You shouldn't smoke. It's bad for your health" - and I guess no one's going to go through with their lawsuits, even though they absolutely should?
Guess not! Happy trails, Beth. I hope your future oxygen tank treats you well.
Gosh, Brenda's a forgiving person. I would've told each of these piles to go fuck themselves.
Peach Pit post-mortem. Donna has joined the group and they're discussing different questions on the exam and it's determined that Steve is an even bigger imbecile than previously thought. A nearly impossible feat, that.
Enter Nikki. Donna calls her over to join them but Nikki sees Brandon and has no desire to be verbally and emotionally abused so she declines the invite.
But Brandon's now ready to get his dick wet for whatever reason, so he catches up to her and asks if they can talk...
...here, where I guess she's going to be the third person of the episode to witness a backroom Brandon disrobing.
She immediately goes on the defense, as one would following their most recent encounter, ensuring him, "I know what you're gonna say. But they told me you weren't working today. I didn't know you were gonna be here. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be bugging you..."
Brandon cuts her off and insists that it's okay, "I just wanted to apologize for blowing up at you yesterday. I was preoccupied with a lot of things. In fact, I don't know really what was goin' on. It was so unlike me, actually."
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
...ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
...ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
...ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
...and so on and so forth forever. I have screenshots for days. And I keep adding to them! Look, this last one is from PART 3!
He finishes by telling her, "Obviously, you're a very nice person. In fact, I...I like you."
Nikki is obviously geeked and she's very cute and goes into this story about a boy in third grade who used to kick her chair and make her cry and her mother told her that the boy liked her and man alive, are girls just expected to accept boys' foul behavior from a really early age. ANYWAY, Nikki adds about this emotionally stunted boy's behavior: "I found it so strange"...
...and before she knows it, another emotionally stunted boy, Brandon, has GRABBED her face and laid one on her, and this sex pest really needs to adopt a kissing technique that doesn't resemble some form of a brutal assault.
Nikki appears not to mind as he explains, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just had to do that." She tells him it's all good...
...and then she lunges and lays one back on him, but her version is much sweeter and innocent-seeming since she doesn't envelope his skull in an inescapable death grip.
After separating, Brandon clears his throat of his boner and asks, "So, you wanna milkshake or something?"
They walk toward the swinging doors as she says that she does, and then he asks, "Chocolate or vanilla?" and then simultaneously they say, "A little of both."
Look, I'm not made of stone. That was sweet. Nikki should've been made main cast. And also given a better love interest. Like...absolutely no male on this show.
Next up: Snooze-a-roo, Part 1 of "Highwire." No need for an evening gummy / an Ambien / a bottle of Nyquil once that goes live, my friends.
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