Catch up on the infuriation: Part 1 is here. And continue with the infuriation, starting...NOW:
The Parisian Hotel That Looks Like a Slight Breeze Could Bring It Down.
Inside, Brenda, Maggie and Donna descend the staircase - they're all looking fab - and Donna asks, "Bren, are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Maggie, these summer episodes' answer to Samantha Jones (and filling in for Darren Starr's original prototype for SJ, Kelly Taylor), chuckles knowingly and purrs, "Hey, let her have some fun with her Monsieur Rick. We won't wait up." And then she probably said this and shimmied her shoulders up and down a bunch. Anyway, Brenda playfully responds with, "Good idea"...
...and Donna does NOT approve: "BRENDA!"
Brenda insists she was kidding and then she's off with a, "A bientôt!"
The phone rings and Madam D picks up, eventually shoving the receiver toward Donna with, "They are asking for Brenda." And of course it's fucking Dylan, clearly attempting to repent for the dire life choice to which he and Kelly recently subjected us.
He lounges on his couch and asks Donna how she is, a sentiment she returns, and in kind he responds with yet another seminal-only-to-me line: "Ah, jes oui hangin' out."
He asks after Brenda and Donna doesn't exactly fib, telling him that she went out sightseeing, and when he queries about who she went with, Donna once again sidesteps the lie: "She left here all by herself." Also: get bent, Dylan. Your tongue was just swabbing the inside of your girlfriend's best friend's mouth. I hope Brenda has sex with Rick, except that I don't, because I wouldn't wish intercourse with a piece of cardboard upon anyone.
Whatever whatever, he tells Donna, "I just kinda wanted to hear her voice right now" - LIES - and also not to tell Brenda that he called, that, "She'll try and call me back and I'll probably be asleep, or my penis will be in the process of exploring the depth's of Kelly's vagina." Donna says that Brenda's really looking forward to coming home and Dylan says the same before bidding Donna farewell and hanging up and then SOOOOOOPER Severe Synth begins in the background as the camera zooms in on his very handsome dirty dog face.
The streets of "Paris." Brenda and Rick stroll along, him plucking a flower from a display and handing it to her.
He grabs her elbow and they trot across the street, a brief moment used in the commercials promoting this episode and an indelible mark on my pea-brain that I doubt I'll ever forgot. Why can't I remember important stuff, like, say, the name of any person I'm introduced to? But no: in whatever place those memories should be stored is a three-second clip from a nighttime teen soap opera that aired in the summer of 1992. Does anyone else think I need to ramp up my search for a new therapist after my decade-long shrink retired almost a year ago? A resounding YES? I wholeheartedly concur.
Rick's spooky truth starts to come out as he poses Brenda in front of a fountain...
...and begins snapping numerous pictures of her as she uncomfortably reminds him, "You have taken an entire roll of film and all zee pictures are of me!" This is really weird. And I don't think I thought it was weird as a 12-year-old, which is also really weird. I'm sure I just figured "cute guy" + "taking pictures of girl with whom he's infatuated after meeting a day ago" = "romantic." But it's actually a whole bowl full of concerning.
They're going to continue on their "tour," i.e. him snapping vaguely non-consenting images of Brenda that he's inevitably going to Joe Davola to his Wisconsin dormitory wall. You're a real fucking tool, Rick. Also, he keeps grabbing her elbow and arm as they walk and I don't like it and it forces me to link to my favorite video of all time again. Take note, Reek.
No.
Noooo.
Even more: Absolutely not.
Long story-still-too-long-for-my-liking: David asks Steve and his charred flesh if they've listened to the demo David gave them the day before. David apparently believes Steve and the Sanders' ilk to be his career's version of Rick Rubin: "You've gotta know some people in the music business. I mean, your mom has to know some people." Yes, a Q-list TV actress and her son with the three Texel guinea pig pelts affixed to his head are going to launch David and his terrifying music into the super-stardom stratosphere. Steve agrees to subject his ears to a true vocal assault, then torments David and the audience with the hackneyed adage he probably has engraved on a plaque hanging on the wall of his tacky room next to his tacky Chevrolet - Heartbeat of America sign and tackier one-thousand-dollar-bill banner: "Don't call us. We'll call you."
And then ~wAcKy~ music plays as Steve turns and walks away to go to seek first aid for the tenth-degree sunburn on his breasts.
Shore-side with the Kiddie Kampers: Randy Spelling, Andrea and Brandon - who I guess now works exclusively as Andrea's assistant with the children? - are again aiding Cameron with some kite-flying tips while all the other kids, like, drown in the sea, I guess.
Andrea's giving Cameron some encouragement but because Brandon is a male, and more specifically, a Walsh Male™, he has to dismiss her and give Cam the ol' "broads, amirite?" look and then send him on his way.
He at least has the good sense to shadow Cameron as he runs down the beach...
...and they of course cross paths with Jack, who sits on the sand, dumping his shoes while calling out to them, "Let out some more line. You're chokin' her." Hey, look! Another opportunity for Brandon to play savior!
After Jack bizarrely spins a yarn about teaching his own kid to fly a kite "on a day just like this," Brandon bails on Cameron, shooing him off because who gives a fuck about playing hero to a deaf kid anymore when there's a houseless person to condescend to!
As Brandon approaches Jack, we're back over to these two. The Junior Spelling gives us an INCREDIBLE line delivery with, "Do...you...want...me...to...go...get...Henry?" if by "INCREDIBLE" I mean robotic, stilted and painfully awful. Let's just say Tori clearly got all the one-liner chops in the family. Whatever, Andrea looks supremely uncomfortable because, reminder: she hates the unhoused, but she ultimately moves her head back and forth slightly, signs and tells him, "No."
Back here, introductions are made and they shake hands, followed by Brandon like, rubbing his palm off after the fact like the true stalwart advocate for the homeless that he is. Jesus Christ.
What this scene amounts to is Brandon providing us with the Least Self-Aware Dialogue of the Season Thus Far ("I don't mean to stick my nose in where it's not wanted" ahahhhahahaaaaaaghahhaggg FOREVER because it's his favorite thing, second only to berating women); Jack informing Brandon that he's a Desert Storm vet who came back from the war to a recession and subsequently lost his job, wife, kids, and house; Brandon being an idiot and thinking the government actually cares about veterans; and finally, Brandon coming up with a scheme to get Jack a job: "I've got some friends in low places. I'll see what I can do."
I guess that low-place friend is Henry (rude), because we immediately cut over to him laying down the hammer following Brandon's ask: "Forget it, Walsh! I was in the Marines too, okay? I've heard all those hard-luck stories before. Guys hidin' behind the flag lookin' for some kinda handout." Is Henry...kind of a monster?
Brandon proceeds to just barely plead for Jack to get a job as part of the clean up crew after the Club closes the following week, and we already know he gets his Brandonly way, so whatever, but I guess in this instance, he's using his standardized manipulation tactics and expressive eyebrow skillz for good rather than evil.
Back here, continued sightseeing, which is just more of Rick saying spine-tingling things, like what he says after Brenda advises him that they're back in the "very famous park where American college students pretend they are lost to try to pick up zee girls": "You could...you could fall in love here...this has been the most wonderful day." Keep it in your pants, dude. It's been ~24 hours.
It just gets worse when Brenda tells him and his cheesedick rolled-up t-shirt sleeves, "Shh. You will spoil it," and he gets all serious-o and huskily inquires, "So you admit that there is something to be spoiled?" Get Céline on the phone, stat!
He then goes in on questioning her about all of her French boyfriends and like Donna before, she skirts the lie by replying, "I don't have any French boyfriends." He asks if she's ever been to "the States" and after much hemming/hawing, she eventually admits to family in Minnesota (at this, this son of America's Dairyland proceeds to have seven orgasms in a row) and, as she pronounces it, "Cal-eee-forn-ee." This overeager doof loses it at that as well, declaring, "Oh, I love California! I'm thinkin' of transferring to UCLA myself!" Thanks for the foreshadowing, Pretty Boy.
And then they head off to dinner where Rick will continue to dazzle Brenda with his sparkling (and bone-chilling) conversational skills.
These idiots. Dylan comes in hot and pulls Kelly up from her beach chair and lamely woos, "Come on, lazy one, we gotta take a drive. I know such a better way to spend a hot summer day than toasting in the sun," while she baby-giggles and they both stand there, before God, Satan, BHBC members, possibly THEIR FRIENDS, everyone, entirely too close and with his hand rubbing around her waist. Way to lay low with your clandestine love affair, morons.
Bitchin' Metal-lite Muzik kicks in as we cut over to them atop a Jet Ski in the water, zooming around, woohoo-ing, splashing, continuing to piss me off to no end.
He shouts over his shoulder at her, "You havin' fun?" and she yells back, "Go faster!"
And then he does a spinny move...
...and they end up capsized. Too bad they're both wearing life vests. It'd be a real shame if, instead of drowning, they were swallowed whole by a humpback whale in this moment.
While buoying and bobbing about the water, he pulls her closer to him by her vest and this happens and I remove my glasses, press my fingers deep into my eyes sockets and pray for a migraine.
Fade to the beach. They're drying themselves off and talking like a couple of sociopaths, to wit:
Kelly, laughing laughing laughing, not a CARE in the world: "Are you forgetting we're gonna turn into a pumpkin in a couple of days?"
Dylan, feeling himself and also NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD: "No, I'm not forgetting. But we're not doin' anything wrong, Kel! We're just havin' fun!" I cannot.
Kelly, with a glint of satisfaction in her eye: "So far we've kissed each other in your living room, in my cabana and when we got in the water today."
Dylan: "So, what, are you makin' a list?" He lays one on her. "There's another one." What. THE FUCK.
She squeaks some more and giggles, "You're crazy."
He smirks like a real piece of shit and says, "Hey, I've been accused of worse." Like having an antisocial personality disorder? Because the lack of empathy or shame being shown here from either of these fools is astounding.
Back to 1970s' stock footage of the City of Love and the scene of brain-related trauma.
Inside, Rick and Brenda sit at a table and he is, naturally, crossing the many non-verbal boundaries she has been setting all the live-long day, demanding to know about "the history of [Brenda]." She hesitates before lightly talking trash on Jim, which I'll allow: "We do not, how do you say, see eye to eye."
Rick takes this as an in to continue to pester her about guys, adding, "That happens. I mean, I have two older sisters so I've seen it. Usually over guy-stuff, am I right? Dad didn't like your boyfriend?" Give it a goddamn rest, my god.
Brenda clearly feels the same because she stays silent, and when he asks, "So is he still in the picture?" she sort of sadly informs him, "Oui. Very much so." Even sadder when you consider the revolting shenanigans concurrently going down on the beaches of Los Angeles.
Rick, unable to turn the fucking page: "Yet you haven't mentioned him all this time, why is that?"
She lays on the accent real thick with, "You deedn't ask me," and he teasingly mocks her with, "You're right, I deeeedn't."
At that, Brenda's had enough of his inability to have a normal conversation without bringing it back to who she's currently banging, so she stands to leave, all, "Alors, shall we go?" He also stands and makes plans to further monopolize her time the following day: "So, tomorrow, I thought maybe we could..." but she interrupts to remind him that he's on his own.
He, of course, fails to respect the boundary and insists, "You haven't finished teaching me about the local customs yet...like that for instance." He gestures over her shoulder.
She turns and sees two people cheek-kissing before sitting down at their table.
Rick queries, "Is there a technique or do you just wing it?" When she tells him, "There's nothing to it," and begins to flee because this fucking guy can't take a hint, he continues to sort of stand in her way and breathes, "Then why don't you wanna teach me?" This whole exchange has me like this, with a whole lotta this mixed in.
In the end, Brenda gives into her attraction to near-inanimate objects such as the piece of engineered composition board that is Rick, and shows him how it's done: "Go like zees..."
"...go like zees." He appears to be in ecstasy; meanwhile, I'm busy booking my one-way ticket to Cat/Nun Island where I plan to give myself to the Lord and felines and leave this butt-clenching story line far behind me.
It doesn't end there, though: he asks, "So that's how you kiss, huh?" and she comes back with a throaty, "No. Zees is how I kiss," and then they devour each other's faces and I enter into the Google search bar can feeling really uncomfortable lead to death? But despite everything, I gotta say: these two have mad chemistry, even though Rick's personality has yet to be developed beyond being eerily fixated on this near-stranger's body count.
(And since you're all DYING to know: I want to add that no, it's not great that Brenda's cheating on Dylan, but at least it's with some rando in France and not with his FREAKING best friend...which in his case would be Brandon, so that's grotesque on a whole other level, although you know Brandon would be down to clown, but whatever, you get what I'm saying. Anyway, the Dylan/Kelly of it all, and the fact that they keep the secret between them for months and months - how very Scandoval of them - is what makes their betrayal much more depraved than Brenda's, in my opinion. I know you can all rest easy now, knowing my stance on the important issues of the day.)
Ever since that Law and Order SVU episode, I cannot see Dean Cain as anything but evil.
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