Season 2, Episode 16: My Desperate Valentine - The USS Crazy Town Has Pulled Into Port, And By That I Mean "Emily Is One Crazy Bitch."

In which Emily loses her ever-loving mind.  Over Brandon.  Yeah.  She's clearly a lunatic.

"Rockin'" music starts up as we open on West Bev, exterior.  Our friend Neon-&-Black Backpack is present and accounted for, this time with Joe E. Tata's name splayed across his ass, in some kind of early prototype of the Juicy Couture velour tracksuit pants.

After a thousandtine exterior shots of a bunch of Nobody Extras wandering around campus, we eventually wind up inside, to this hallway, where Emily and her plaid pajama pants and odd vest she clearly stole from a kids' vintage cowboy costume, stops and sees...

...this guy.  Who is clearly Not Brandon.  But for some reason she thinks it's Brandon.  Even though I could tell you just by looking at the back of him that this is definitely Not Brandon, seeing as this guy's got a good 6 inches on Brandon (I kid, I kid - but not really) and that's totally not Brandon's hair.  And this guy doesn't emit an overwhelming fetor of smug, either, so that's actually all the proof I need.

So because Brandon broke up with her in the previous episode, she decides that she's now going to strangle him to death, which you can see here.  And which I'm all for.  Unfortunately, none of that is true.  She just goes up to Not Brandon and starts giving him what I presume she thinks is a Sexy Massage that will erase the memory of her drugging him to Jesus and then acting like it wasn't a big deal in the slightest.

Oh! But it turns out she was giving so fucking obviously Not Brandon the rubdown, and not the Brandon we've all come to know and loathe and wish was, if not dead, then at least irrevocably muted.  Emily, embarrassed, says, "This is Brandon's locker." Not Brandon, clearly not knowing what he's saying, says, "Not anymore.  They just assigned it to me.  But, uh, I can be Brandon if you want." Nobody wants that, dude.  Nobody.

Season 2; Episode 7 - Camping Trip: Here's The Recap That Took Me Seven Centuries To Complete Because (SPOILER ALERT) It's Just The FUCKING WORST.

In which WHO CARES.  This episode sucks.  Many, many dicks.  And, as stated several times previously: Brandon almost dies, but doesn't.  SO WHAT'S THE POINT? TELL ME.  Also: there's this Rando Just Married Couple that shows up, and they're mostly creepy interlopers who completely lack boundaries, and who are well on their way to being deranged, typically fucked-up Beverly Hills Parent-types, but they Learn A Lesson from the kids and Steve and AHHHHHHHHNdrea so whatever, it's fine.  As long as the rich asshole teenagers from West L.A. feel good about themselves, that's all the matters, right? Right.  So anyway...did I mention Brandon doesn't plummet to his well-deserved and much-anticipated death in this one? No? Well, he doesn't.  I haven't been this disappointed since Brandon didn't die in a fiery, soused-up car accident after binge-guzzling Steve "Sandra [SAUNdra?] Lee" SAUNders' Semi-Homemade Hooch.  Anyway.  On with the (JUST GOD-AWFUL) show, I guess.  Go there.

We open, where else? on House Of Walsh.

Up to Brandon's room, where he's currently being squaty-legged and rummaging for something on the top shelf in his closet.  As he does so, Brenda calls from off-camera, "Brandon! You better give me your toothbrush and stuff if you want me to pack them for you!" Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!  And by "Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!" I of course mean "They're going camping with The Gang and I have maybe three moist shits to give about all of this."

Brenda enters her brother's room and sees him foraging for something (shoe lifts?) and says, "I hope you're not finding more stuff to take.  Your half of the bag is already full." Seriously, they're not allowed to bring more than a bag? The van that they've rented (I guess?) looks pretty huge, as you'll see, but I guess most of the space will be taken up by Brandon's ego and princely ideals of himself as well as Steve's Power Mullet and garment bags teeming with his trusty belly shirts.

Brandon finds whatever he was looking for and then almost eats it and crushes his skull and shatters his pelvis and snaps his spine and dies while coming off of the chair but doesn't, and this episode, in addition to being totally imbecilic, mind-numbingly tedious and a fucking waste of LIFE, is also really just one big tease and I don't appreciate it at all.

So what Brandon was looking for and found was this hat that I can only assume was part of his Boxcar Willie costume the previous Halloween.  And then there's this massively cringe-worthy moment where Brandon says it's his "lucky" hat, and Brenda LITERALLY describes it as "one nerdy looking thang," (yes, "thang") and he tells her that he thinks it's cool (of course he does) and her response is, "Well maybe to a beaver," and it's got to be the most awkward and unnatural scene between these two, ever, and it really made me clench my backside in a really unpleasant way.

Kelly then stomps into the room, wearing a Cherokee for Target t-shirt she borrowed from Brandon, and the shorts I wore everyday in 8th grade.  And she tells him that Steve is the fucking worst.  And no one in CREATION is surprised and everyone responds to her with a collective, "DUH."  But really, she comes in to tell Brandon, "You have got to do something about [Steve]...he is unpacking Donna's suitcases.  He said she's exceeded her luggage allowance." I would suggest that Steve has exceeded his word allowance for a lifetime, as well as the allowance of the number of racer-back tanks somebody can own, but no one ever listens to me so never mind.

Brandon leaves the room to go try to be all butch with Steve and throws his hobo-hat atop Brenda's head.  She immediately rips it off of her skull, fearing that his gross hair is catching.  I don't blame her.  So then the girls talk about how Jackie forced Kelly to bring David on the camping trip, because Jackie and Mel are going out of town to probably hang with a bunch of degenerate, couple-swinging oral surgeons or whatever revolting shit Mel's undoubtedly into.  And then Brenda says that Dylan's not going on the camping trip because his mom moved back? from Hawaii? Hell if I know.  I mean, obviously I knew Iris had moved back to L.A. with Dylan because of subsequent Season 2 story lines, but I find it odd that none of this was mentioned in the previous episode.  Like any sort of conversation about where Dylan's going to live and with whom.  Whatever.  Why I expect this show to be some beacon of continuity is beyond me.