Season 2, Episode 25: Meeting Mr. Pony - Which Sounds Like The Title Of Some Smutty, Sordid Snuff Film Someone Like Mel Would Be Into, No?

Does anyone remember Graham from Saved by the Bell? The character had a one-episode stint in "Cut Day," the one where Slater and Jessie break up and no one cares because they aren't Zack and Kelly?

Yeah, this guy.  Well, here, he plays a sweaty, tweaked-out armed robber.  Which is unfortunate, mostly because he did so well as a recycling-obsessed MEGA DORK whose shirt served as a perfect 3-D interpretation of the SBTB opening credits.  Anyway.

We start here.

Inside, Brenda tries to study, while Dylan plays with her hair and is generally adorable...other than the fact that THE GREEN SHIRT.  NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo.  I thought we had left it behind in an on-fire dumpster earlier in the season.

Brenda speaks of electrons and cathode rays and upcoming midterms and all Dylan really wants to do is fuck.  Maybe right on the couch like Brandon may or may not have done with Emily? Why not!

Hot Slut Smooches.

But! Brenda's had enough of this shit, gathers her work, stands up and tells him, "Obviously we're not gonna get anything accomplished here, so I think we should go to a public place.  Someplace preferably very well lit."

Dylan's all, "Not the library?"

Season 2, Episode 22: And Baby Makes Five - Jackie's Knocked Up And Mel's The Father. I Mean, I Assume It's Mel And Not A Pile Of Coke.

In which a series of painful hysterical mix-ups and misunderstandings cause me to cry myself to sleep a little harder than normal.  Read on for all the agony hilarity!

We start off with Sappy Music as Jackie flips through a photo album, full of Jennie Garth's Kelly's baby pictures.

There's this one of Jackie looking at a Baby Kelly, at a time in her life when she wasn't coked up to Jesus.  I mean, I hope she wasn't.

Young Jackie holding Baby Kelly.

Pigtailed Kelly in one of those requisite class portrait shots with the 1980s' sky-blue background.

And another.

We fade to Current Day Knocked Up With An ABOMINATION Jackie, flipping the pages of the album, smiling vaguely.  Because she knows that she was such a heaping garbage-bag-full of a drug-addicted, alcoholic crap-mother and doesn't want to ruin her next kid's Mother-Daughter Fashion Show in fifteen years? I assume?

Enter Kelly, who sees what her mother is looking at and smiles, asking, "What are you doing?" Jackie tells her, "Oh, I was just remembering how sweet it was to hold a baby in my arms while still managing to cut a perfect line of coke, that's all." Kelly decides to brag about herself, even though it has nothing to do with what Jackie just said: "Yeah, I was kinda cute, wasn't I?" Jackie's only response is to laugh politely because it's not always about you, Kelly.

Kelly decides to cut a bitch by making her feel like a weathered, hanging-on-to-sobriety-by-a-thread old hag (oh, wait) and is all, "That was a long time ago." Jackie concurs, adding, "I'm too old for this."

As Jackie posts up to the island in the kitchen, Kelly asks, "You're going to the doctor today, aren't you?" Jackie corroborates this, saying, "As if I need him to confirm what every home pregnancy test on the market has already told me." Kelly asks, "What does Mel have to say about all this?" And I answer, "Who THUH FUCK cares?"

Which is basically Jackie's answer as well, seeing as she completely ignores the query and busies herself making eggs.  Kelly presses further and discovers that Mel doesn't know that Jackie's pregnant, because all he ever talks about is the day he'll finally be rid of his atrociously-coiffed, burden of a son, when he can finally throw all the all-night, group-sex-filled debacheries he's only ever dreamed of.

Kelly insists that Jackie must tell him and it's not a big deal: "He doesn't want a baby, you don't want a baby.  Why don't you just tell him that you're taking care of it?"

Jackie says nothing as the Serious Synth version of the theme song plays...

Season 2, Episode 20: A Competitive Edge - Steve's Back To Being A Complete Dildo. Show Of Hands Of Those Of You Who Are Surprised? Zero? Zero Hands? That's What I Thought.

In which fucking Steve, man.  Just...what a blight upon mankind and his friends and curly hair everywhere.

So we start with approximately 87 hours of track and field events in slow-mo.  First up is this guy doing the long? jump? And panting.  And grunting.  Also presented in slow-motion.

And then this different guy lands in the sand pit thing or whatever, with a bunch of Randos watching from the sidelines.  All of this is nearly as fascinating as the early-episode hockey antics we were subjected to during "Fire and Ice."

High jump.  More grunting.

These people run around the track, huffing and puffing and some are wearing Spandex bike shorts, which was required of anyone participating in a physical activity in the early '90s.  Or by girls like me who badly wanted to be their middle school's Clarissa Darling or Kelly Kapowski and failing miserably on all counts.

A baton is passed.  My nose begins to bleed because I've snorted a bunch of methamphetamine in a desperate attempt to stay awake.

This 37-year-old man prepares a shot put.  We'll be dealing with this piece of shit's smug face more in a few minutes.  Anyway, he - SHOCK - grunts and throws the shot.

Steve.  Stretching.  In one of his trusty Forever 21 clearance rack racer-back tanks.  Which provides just a hint of a view of his right nipple.  Thanks for that, Steve.

There's a gun shot, unfortunately not directed toward Steve's hair.  It was actually a starting gun for these FUCKING GROWN MEN, like, straight-up 30-something-dudes, to start their hurdle race.

Then we get this shot of an old-school stop watch being stopped or started and we see that it belongs to...

...This Guy! You know, the guy in "The Next Fifty Years" where Dead Scott dead-Scotted himself into that great big dude ranch in the sky? Mr. Chapman! Or, Chappie, as I like to call him (no, I don't, but it stays for the remainder of the recap).

Here's a guy pole vaulting and can you guess what he's doing while vaulting? Can you???

Run a knife across my throat.

Season 2, Episode 19: Fire And Ice - I Will Deduce From This Title That Brandon Dates Another Emerging Arsonist Who Also Sculpts Ice? On The Side? Am I Even Close? Even Though I Already Know What The Title Refers To, Given That I've Seen This One Approximately 317 x 1,000 Times?

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Season 2, Episode 18: Walsh Family Christmas - Please Don't Make Me.

In which it's February and I'm writing about Christmas.  This was like the least fun thing ever.  And that includes the time I was hit by a car and left for dead by the side of the rode and then mauled by a pack of rabid coyotes.  And none of that ever happened but I'm pretty sure it would be a more enjoyable experience than anything having to do with this episode.

We open on this sign that says "New Mexico - Land of Enchantment." I've only ever driven through New Mexico (quickly), but never found it particularly enchanting.  Also, this music that you'd expect to hear on the soundtrack to Walker, Texas Ranger, plays in the background.  There's no other way I can describe it.

This bus rolls past the sign and since we unfortunately had to sit through the previous episode, we can be pretty safe in our assumption that this bus holds the fluff-headed dink we've all come to sort of grudgingly accept, one Steve "The Steve SAUNders Special" Sanders.

Sure enough, as the bus comes to a stop in front of some shabby building, we see Mr. Sanders' mullet peering out of his open window.  I'm certain that all of the other passengers really appreciate the open window, given that it's probably, like, -13 degrees there in December.  My takeaway from this is that everyone from Los Angeles is a hideously-coiffed asshole.

Steve descends the steps of the bus, saying, "Sure is cold here," like, perhaps, then, you moldy q-tip, you shouldn't have had your window open.  He's followed off of the bus by a teenage-ish girl of indeterminate race, which is I guess supposed to tell us that Steve is not a racist.  A terrible person in many, many ways, including the hairdo and clothing departments, but decidedly not a racist.  Anyway, Girl (we never learn her name because of course she doesn't matter) says, "If we're lucky, maybe we'll have a white Christmas."

Steve calls the idea "kind of neat," and then Girl can't beat it the fuck away from him fast enough, lying, "It was fun traveling with you," and then confirming our theory that Steve is a self-absorbed garbage person, when, after he thanks her for listening to him, says, "What else was I gonna do for 16 hours?" They have a laugh over that one, although I'm assuming her laughter was a means of covering up her tears, she wishes him good luck on finding his bio-mom, then sees her mom and thanks her lucky stars that any interaction with this wool-headed douche is over.  Peace out Mexican-Maybe-Some-Kind-Of-Native-American Girl.  We really hardly knew ye.

So as this really, really terrible, like, diarrhea-heavy version of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" starts playing in the background, Steve flings his bag over his shoulder and starts hoofing it down the street like fucking Joe Buck or something.