Season 2, Episode 22: And Baby Makes Five - Jackie's Knocked Up And Mel's The Father. I Mean, I Assume It's Mel And Not A Pile Of Coke.

In which a series of painful hysterical mix-ups and misunderstandings cause me to cry myself to sleep a little harder than normal.  Read on for all the agony hilarity!

We start off with Sappy Music as Jackie flips through a photo album, full of Jennie Garth's Kelly's baby pictures.

There's this one of Jackie looking at a Baby Kelly, at a time in her life when she wasn't coked up to Jesus.  I mean, I hope she wasn't.

Young Jackie holding Baby Kelly.

Pigtailed Kelly in one of those requisite class portrait shots with the 1980s' sky-blue background.

And another.

We fade to Current Day Knocked Up With An ABOMINATION Jackie, flipping the pages of the album, smiling vaguely.  Because she knows that she was such a heaping garbage-bag-full of a drug-addicted, alcoholic crap-mother and doesn't want to ruin her next kid's Mother-Daughter Fashion Show in fifteen years? I assume?

Enter Kelly, who sees what her mother is looking at and smiles, asking, "What are you doing?" Jackie tells her, "Oh, I was just remembering how sweet it was to hold a baby in my arms while still managing to cut a perfect line of coke, that's all." Kelly decides to brag about herself, even though it has nothing to do with what Jackie just said: "Yeah, I was kinda cute, wasn't I?" Jackie's only response is to laugh politely because it's not always about you, Kelly.

Kelly decides to cut a bitch by making her feel like a weathered, hanging-on-to-sobriety-by-a-thread old hag (oh, wait) and is all, "That was a long time ago." Jackie concurs, adding, "I'm too old for this."

As Jackie posts up to the island in the kitchen, Kelly asks, "You're going to the doctor today, aren't you?" Jackie corroborates this, saying, "As if I need him to confirm what every home pregnancy test on the market has already told me." Kelly asks, "What does Mel have to say about all this?" And I answer, "Who THUH FUCK cares?"

Which is basically Jackie's answer as well, seeing as she completely ignores the query and busies herself making eggs.  Kelly presses further and discovers that Mel doesn't know that Jackie's pregnant, because all he ever talks about is the day he'll finally be rid of his atrociously-coiffed, burden of a son, when he can finally throw all the all-night, group-sex-filled debacheries he's only ever dreamed of.

Kelly insists that Jackie must tell him and it's not a big deal: "He doesn't want a baby, you don't want a baby.  Why don't you just tell him that you're taking care of it?"

Jackie says nothing as the Serious Synth version of the theme song plays...

...us over to the exterior of West Bev.

Inside, these four walk down the hallway, talking about Valentine's Day and how it's now Donna's favorite holiday because she's got just the worst boyfriend ever.  Brenda asks what they're going to do and a giant, flaming RED FLAG falls out of Donna's mouth as she says, "[He] said something about dinner with his dad." No doubt so that Mel can watch as David and Donna neck on the couch.  RUN DONNA RUUUUUUUUN.

Then we go through this whole annoyingly beneath-them rigmarole that will span almost the entire episode, where Dylan won't tell Brenda what he's doing for her for Valentine's Day, and she won't stop pestering him about what he's doing for her for Valentine's Day.  The only clue he gives her here is, "We'll be lyin' down." Cue the Saved by the Bell "woo" sound.

After Dylan walks away following a kiss to her cheek, Brenda turns to an obviously distracted Kelly and asks her what she thinks Dylan's gift will be.  Kelly pulls on her cunty britches and, because the entire universe revolves around her and her shitty blended family's draaaaaaaaaamz, snoots, "I don't know, Bren.  And I hate to break it to you, but I really don't care." You know what I don't care about? Mel's demon spawn that's currently adrift on a sea of amniotic fluid inside your mother's uterus.  Or anything even remotely related to Mel and his beefed-up bi-level.

Kelly winds up at her locker where David, wearing an actually decent-looking shirt - it's 17 times too GARGANTUAN as with every other shirt he owns; but the pattern's not singeing my corneas into a fine powder, either - approaches.  He asks Kelly about the goddamn Valentine's Day dinner that I'm already sick of hearing about, wondering if it would be okay if he brought Donna.

Donna and Brenda arrive then, and in reaction to his invite, Donna rests her head on his shoulder and coos, "Oh, David, that's so sweet." Because Donna has really low standards.

But Kelly's all, "Hell nawwwww" and, frustrated, informs them that there might not even be a dinner.  Because Jackie will be too sad and cokey following her abortion earlier that day and all.  I mean, I assume.

David blesses everyone by leaving to start his terrible radio show, so it's actually a nightmare in disguise.  Donna starts in on Kelly: "I'm really tired of you being mean to David all the time for no reason."

Kelly insists, "I have my reasons, believe me." We all do, Kel.  But I really don't think his father being a bare-backing scuz and climaxing a greasy baby into Jackie's oven is David's fault.  David's got a plethora of faults all on his own.  No need to implicate the son for his father's crimes against humanity.

The girls go back and forth, Donna and Brenda demanding that Kelly tell them what's wrong and Kelly not wanting to tell them but also really basking in all the attention she's getting.  She finally makes them promise not to tell anyone, which will last all of the next two minutes.

Here's her revolting cards laid out on the table: "David's father and my mother...they're always harping on us to be so careful!"

Some Keyboards Of Realization start up and Brenda's all, "No."

Kelly: "Yeah."

Donna: "[Really so, so fucking stupid.]"

Kelly: "You dumb trick, my mom's pregnant."

Cut to the DJ booth.  David's finishing up some announcement about something...or...whatever and as he keys up some presumably ghastly music selection, Donna enters.

What follows is complete filler that is a waste of my LIFE: David tells Donna that Mel's planning on asking Jackie to marry him at their, Jesus Christ, Valentine's Day dinner, and Donna thinks David knows about the pregnancy and it must be the reason Mel's going to propose because this is apparently 1927 and a woman having a baby without being married first is UNHEARD OF.  Anyway, the cat (meaning "baby") is now out of the bag (meaning "swaddling blanket"...or whatever babies hang out in..."empty cardboard boxes from Amazon"? Just cats? Oh.)

Peach Pit.

Inside, Brandon polishes the spatula he's always carrying around, and Steve whines about whether or not he should get Kelly a "Valentine" and that he doesn't want her to think he's interested in sticking his albino tenders in her albino tenders unless she's interested.  I think I speak for Kelly (and all womankind) when I say, "God, you're gross." Brandon advises his lint-headed friend to not get her anything, but Steve insists, "Then she'll think I don't care." LOOK IN THE MIRROR, OR THE SHINY SHINY SPATULA BRANDON'S HOLDING: SHE WON'T EVEN NOTICE OR CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST.

Steve looks down the counter toward AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, nonsensically saying, "You know, you know, you know." Know what? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

So this side-story line is on par with Donna's A Financial Genius from earlier this season.  Blah blah AHHHHHHHHHNdrea sees that Worthless Nat's reading some paper that's devoted to the seedy underbelly of horse racing and then gets all interested in it for some reason and she ends up picking a horse called Lovesick to win, because, even though we were led to believe that John Griffin flicked her dork bean all night long in the previous episode, she's clearly still in deep, deep lust with Brandon and so OF COURSE she's going to choose a horse to bet on that exemplifies her feelings of unreturned feelings, BLAH.

Wacky Synth Drums play as Steve gives Brandon this Look and can we please go back to the halcyon days of Brandon calling AHHHHHHHHHNdrea a big, stupid virgin who should shut her big, stupid virgin mouth, please? Those were good times.

Some Reston Medical Center.

David enters this Appropriately Tacky-As-Fuck, Seeing As It's The Early-'90s office.  He heads to the reception desk and says, "Hi, Arlene," to the woman sitting at the window.  Arlene is able to expertly hide her disappointment at David's presence and asks how he is.  He's all, "Fine, Arlene.  Is my dad here?" even though the polite thing would've been to ask to Arlene how she was in return, but since everyone in Los Angeles has their fucking heads up their own asses, I shouldn't be surprised.  Arlene then talks about how tall David's getting, rather than commenting on his stupid hair or revolting pervert of a father.

David enters an exam room while Mel's looking at some pornography on his x-ray light.  I mean, I assume that's what he's looking at, and not something related to his job.

David asks his father if everything's okay, and this episode would've been over with a lot goddamn faster had one of these numbskulls just asked for the straight-dope re Jackie's burgeoning fetus.  Mel's all, "Yeah, it couldn't be better.  Here, look at this," and heads over to some drawer and pulls a ring box out of it.  In the exam room.  Because he apparently runs some low-classy operation here, and doesn't have his own office in which to stash trashy jewelry.

He opens the box and inside we see the ring, which is kind of tacky, not unlike Our Jackie.  Mel says, "I know it's kind of extravagant, but if anybody's worth it, Jackie is, right?" For another year or so, anyway.

David sort of Sad Sack wanders around the room and Mel assures his son, "I know this is all kind of sudden but...you'll see.  Before ya know, we'll be one big happy family." Instead of just SPITTING IT OUT, David passive-aggressively says, "Yeah, one, big happy big family." Mel lies that he's always there for David and when David tells him that he just wanted to make certain he was okay, Mel says, "This is what I want, David.  It's making me very happy." Yes, I can tell by the non-tone in your voice just how elated you are.

Immediate cut to Kelly, back in her headachey room, screeching, "Donna, how could you!"

Donna sits down on the bed and explains, "Well, see, I thought David knew, and...I guess I let it slip." Yet another filler scene, where Kelly dramatics things like, "I told you it was a secret!" and "I thought I could trust you, how could you do this to me?" and then Donna accidentally tells Kelly that Mel's planning to propose to Jackie and the kooky misunderstanding antics just keep on rollin'!

Here.  Brenda walks a bowl of salad to the kitchen table, asking of her family, "What would you say if I told you that a certain mother of a certain friend of ours, who's going out with a certain father of a certain friend of ours, is pregnant?" Rather than anyone figuring out who she's talking about and then projectile vomiting at the very thought, Dunce Brandon asks, "Who?"

Cindy comes over to the table with another dish and says, "Jackie and Mel?" Brenda tells her, "You didn't hear it from me!" 

And then Jim comes up and makes some ageist comment about how Jackie's "pushin' 40," because, oh, I FORGOT, women are completely useless past the age of 30.  Silly me! Cindy, Jim's wife, the mother of his children, who is also 40 or over, I presume, only gives him a nasty look a lightly hits his shoulder, rather than kneeing him in the testicles while simultaneously presenting him with divorce papers.

Boooooooring, on and on this goes, Brenda telling her family to keep the secret she herself failed to keep, Cindy wistfully talking about another baby in the house, Jim telling her to "bite your tongue," and then when no one wants to talk about Jackie and her terrible, life-shattering mistake anymore, Brenda asks Brandon if he knows what Dylan's V-day gift to her is going to be, and the Wacky Synth comes in.  How droll.

Office Building Of Taylor.

Kelly's room.  Jackie: "How could you have let this happen? I told you it was a secret!" Maybe not sharing major, turning-point events in your life with your stupid 16-year-old daughter would be the better option.  Just a suggestion.  Kelly tells her, "They're my best friends.  I didn't know that Donna was gonna tell David." Jackie, quick on the uptake: "I thought you were mature enough for me to share totally inappropriate, adult things with you.  I guess I was wrong." 

Kelly attempts to ease her mother's worries with, "Come on.  Donna may have told David, but that does not necessarily mean that David told Mel." Jackie's all, "I can't stand it.  You mean, you told Donna, Donna told David and David told Mel? This is becoming a farce." No, I'm pretty sure it became a farce when you allowed Mel to blow his load inside of you.  Then, more bean-spillage: "Mom, Mel wants to marry you.  David told Donna that he's planning on asking you tomorrow night.  Kinda like a Valentine's Day present."

Jackie: "Oh, my god.  This is worse than I thought." Yes! YES! Jackie's finally seeing the light! Perhaps this pregnancy and now the news that he's going to propose is just the wake-up call Jackie needs to detox herself of Mel! No? That's not it? Son of a bitch.

Kelly asks, "What's the matter? I thought this would make you happy.  Isn't this what you've wanted all along with a guy you've been dating for less than a year?" Jackie tells her that it's not what she wants, and that the only reason Mel's asking to marry her now is because he thinks he has to.  Kelly tells her that that's ridiculous (well, so is everything else about the guy and his son and his son's wardrobe so whatever), and that, "This is all my fault." Jackie insists that it's not and proclaims, "I got myself into this mess and I'm gonna get myself out of it." With coke?

So the annoying Easy Listening Music comes in as Jackie walks out of the room to go call her dealer and Kelly looks stressed.

Peach Pit, accompanied by Faster Easy Listening Music.

Inside, Worthless Nat is excitedly reading his sleazy horse racing/smut newspaper.

Steve and Brandon enter and Nat says, "Hey! I've been waiting for you guys all day," because his life is so very small.  And pathetic.  And disturbing.

It turns out Lovesick came in: "Your girlfriend's horse paid 15 to one."

AHAHAHA.  Brandon sort of puts his hand over Nat's mouth, telling him, "She's not my girlfriend, okay?" as Steve laughs like the mentally defective doof that he is.  Oh, how I wish AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea would've walked in...to hear him saying everything she already knows.

And then, a moment too late, she arrives! Nat calls her, "Lady Luck" and once again gives away free food and drink.  How is the Peach Pit still in business? Anyway, Brandon fills her in on the fact that her horse won and Nat says that she paid "very handsomely."

He then pops open the paper in her face and requests, "Do it again." She insists that she doesn't know anything about it and Nat tells her, "Use your basic instincts." Steve interjects to mispronounce her name: "She doesn't have any instincts.  This is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Zookerman [like, rhymes with "hook"]. It's 'just the facts, ma'am.'" As he's saying this, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's perusing the paper and she suddenly says, "Wait a minute."

So then Nat says the above to a 17-year-old girl.  Nope.  Nothing inappropriate about this.  Not at all.  Except for WHAT IN ALL THE FUCKS.  Also: GET OLIVIA BENSON ON THE LINE because this is the start of some Special Victims Unit shit if EVER I've seen some.

So I took about 5 hours to go soak my body in a combination of Armor All and my own vomit (due to the fact that I kept hearing Nat say the words "Come on, feel it, baby, mm-hmm" over and over and over and over in my head which caused me to retch into my bath.  Hence the mixture) and I'm back! To catch AHHHHHHHHHNdrea picking another horse, Unrequited (EYE ROLL), and I don't want to get all political here but I despise horse-racing and think it's a terrible, terrible NON-sport that endangers the lives of innocent, beautiful creatures.  End Mini-Rant That Could Actually Be A Days-Long Oral Dissertation.  Oh, and Nat's off to place his bet with someone who I'm certain is just as trash-haired as he is.

To this.  Jackie, wearing something else from the Lisa Turtle For Contempo Casuals line, stands at the receptionist's desk inside Mel's garish AF office.  Arlene is informing her, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Taylor, but you don't have an appointment." Jackie insists, "This is personal," so personal, in fact, that WHY ISN'T SHE GOING TO MEL'S HOME TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT A BASTARD BABY HE PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT, RATHER THAN BEING A SWINE AND MAKING A SCENE AT HIS PLACE OF WORK.  We're living in a society here, people.

It's no skin off Our Jackie's back, though, because she eventually causes even more of a scene by shirking Arlene's rules and running back to an exam room where Mel is, with a patient.  Arlene's hot on her heels, all, "Wait a minute! You can't go in there!" She tells Mel she couldn't stop this manner-less boor from barging in to his supposed sterile examination room, but Mel just robots, "It's all right, Arlene, this is Jackie." Arlene's all, "The Jackie?" and when Mel confirms, she says, "Oh, my gosh, I'm so embarrassed." I'm sorry, Arlene, you're embarrassed??? No, no, NO.

Arlene leaves and Mel says, "This is a surprise," in his least-surprised voice ever.

We get a shot of the poor patient, who should really sue THE FUCK out of everyone here.

Jackie: "Mel, I know you know." Oh, Christ.

Mel stands, removes his face mask and gestures for Jackie to move over to a more private area a foot and a half away from where they stand now.  He also touches Jackie with the gloves that were just in this dude's mouth.  So.  There's that.  He asks, "Know what?" I will say that the camera shot here is pretty funny, with the patient in the foreground, and Mel and Jackie in the background on either side of his head.

Jackie continues: "I know what you're doing, Mel, and I appreciate it, really I do.  But I can't let you go through with this." He has no idea what she's talking about, she cancels the ever-lovin' Valentine's Day dinner so now maybe everyone will shut the hell up about it, and tells him that he's off the hook.  He, oblivious: "What hook?"

She chatters on about not letting him marry her out of some sense of obligation and that she knows he doesn't want any more children and he keeps trying to interject to figure out what this cray bitch is talking about and then finally, she gets to the goddamn point.  Sort of: "I thought about this long and hard, and I believe in a woman's right to choose, I really do.  But this is the only choice for me.  I have to keep this baby."

Easy Listening Music.  Mel: "Baby? You're gonna have a baby?"

Another shot of Patient, looking surprised that Mel could even get laid in the first place.

She says, "It's okay, you don't have to pretend for my sake.  I know you know, that's why I came as soon as I could." Again, he attempts to interrupt her jag, but she won't have it: "Mel, please, just let me finish.  This isn't easy for me, either.  But I've made my decision.  I don't think we should see each other anymore." She says she won't ask him for child support and that, "I'm gonna do this myself." Is it ever discussed how Jackie makes a living on this show? I mean, besides the money she earned when she was a 5'2" supermodel as the Farley Girl? Perhaps alimony from Kelly's father? Why do I care? Anyone? No, seriously, I need someone to tell me: why do I care?

Whatever whatever whatever, she ends this mess with, "I've made up my mind! I love you, Mel, but I'm sorry.  It's over." 2016 translation: "Bye, bye, bye." Oh, sorry.  I meant the 2001 translation.

After Jackie leaves, Mel walks back over to Patient in disbelief and says, "Did you hear that? I'm gonna have a baby." Patient, who's really been a very good sport about all of this, says, "Congratulations," through his mouth gauze and spit-suck thing and laughing gas.

We cut over to Brenda and Dylan studying at the table in the Kitchen Of Walsh.  Brenda, of course, begs to know what her gift will be and tells him, "You're driving me crazy."

Dylan smiles; the world swoons.

Brenda continues her pestering: "All Brandon would tell me is that it's something very romantic...give me some details.  Come on, another hint, something."

Dylan gives in with, "Okay.  It's red.  And it's warm." Calm down, everyone.  It's not his cock.

Brenda, adorably: "You're giving me a sweater?"

He says that it's more "intimate" than that and she makes a joke about it being, "Red flannel lingerie?" But he says that it's closer to her heart YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE BLOOD, ALL RIGHT.  YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE GODDAMN BLOOD AT THE RED CROSS THERE ARE YOU HAPPY.

Again.

Inside, Nat hangs up the payphone because his shitty greasy-spoon doesn't have it's own fucking landline apparently, Jesus.  Much like Mel just a few moments ago, Nat, too is in disbelief, saying, "I don't believe it.  She did it again."

AHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve sit at the counter, Brandon behind it in uniform.  Brandon calls it "a lucky guess" but Nat insists, "This girl's got something very special."

SNOOOOOOZE this is where these bunch of fools decide to go to the racetrack with Nat and have him place bets for them, which Nat initially rejects, saying, "No way, I'm not gonna make bets for minors.  I could get arrested." I'm pretty sure the FBI is already tailing you following your little "Come on, feel it, baby, mm-hmm" earlier, so whatever.  You'll just be providing them with more evidence about your pastime of corrupting minors.  Who are actually 41.  But still.

So they plead and plead and AHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve smile like idiots and Nat finally relents: "All right.  You're on, we'll go tomorrow.  In fact, it's Hat Day.  But don't tell anybody." Glad that the 50-something owner of the Peach Pit is telling these teenagers to keep secrets from everyone.  Not spooky at all.

And then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea proceeds to NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD all over everything.

Cut to Jackie, laying Kelly's bed, clutching a stuffed bear: "I told him, and he just stood there." Nice revisionist history, you lunatic.

Kelly lays down on her stomach and asks, "What'd you expect him to do?" Jackie says that she doesn't know, but that he didn't try to stop her which, errrrrmmmmmmmm, I seem to recall him attempting to speak several times, and I also recall that he was with a patient at the moment, so perhaps he wasn't in the greatest position to run after your melodramatic ass.  And I'm defending Mel here.  MEL.  I need to lie down.  In a ditch.  And then someone can throw dirt on top of me and I can finally be at peace in my shallow, shallow grave.

Kelly tells her that maybe it's better this way and Jackie asks, "How could I have let this happen?" Because you're an unstable mess? And while not currently on the yayo, you're still an irresponsible trainwreck, incapable of even the most basic of human functions?

So then Kelly's like, "Why don't you just get an abortion, yo?" and asks if Jackie's willing to lose Mel, "the first guy you've met in years who actually cares about you and who you might even love." Might? Jackie says that it's her baby, it's a part of her and that she can't just "get rid of it." Kelly asks her why and Jackie says, "You've never had an abortion."

"Have you?"

"Yeah." And then Easy Listening Crap starts up as Jackie further explains: "You were about 10 years old.  I was partying all the time, and I'm embarrassed to admit I barely even knew the father." Ahh, memories.  She says that it was the right thing for her to do, which is obvious, given that no one wants to give birth to a crack baby.

Kelly shares, "When I was little, I always used to want a little brother or a little sister.  I wished for it all the time, but then you destroyed my childhood and I realized that I wouldn't want any other poor, innocent soul to have to go through what I went through. Whenever I threw a penny into a fountain or dragged you out of a puddle of your own sick or blew out a candle."

Jackie tells her, "Well, sweetie, it looks like you got your wish."

Kelly, looking just thrilled at the prospect.

Santa Anita Racetrack.

There's a bunch of shots from the 1970s of people milling about.

Shot of AHHHHHNdrea-dressed-as-Six-LeMeure, Steve and Brandon dressed as total dildos, and Nat dressed like a Olde Timey Predator, paying to get in.

AHHHHHNdrea calls it, "Majestic," and Steve tells her, "That's why they call it the sport of kings." Yes.  Kings who abuse animals.  ANYWAY.

Nat approaches with his paper in tow, asking her, "Whaddaya think? Anything brewing?" She tells him she doesn't have a clue and Nat's all, "That's okay.  We have all day." He offers his arm to her and she takes it and this is all so concerning on so many levels.

Trumpet Man, playing "Call to Post."

Beautiful horses being forced out onto the track by horrible people.

They all wind up here, Nat looking off into the distance and asking AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "Remember asking me about the Pick Six? See that guy over there?"

And it's That Guy! Duke! The one who will take a hit out on Brandon after he fails to repay a losing bet next season.  He's also this show's version of Fat Tony, next season more so than his appearance here.

Back here.  Nat informs AHHHHHHHHNdrea that Duke's won the Pick Six twice.

Nat's all, "Hey, Duke!" and then they greet each other and embrace.  Duke asks, "Where ya been hiding yourself, pal?" and then Nat introduces the kids to a dangerous and probably Mob-associated criminal: "I want you to meet some friends who are completely inappropriate for me to be friends with of mine.  That's Brandon, AHHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve.  This is my old pal, Duke Weatherill.  Best handicapper this side of Aqueduct." Nat also grossly gestures towards AHHHHHHHHNdrea and says, "Little girl's gotta knack."

Duke asks which horse she likes for the upcoming race and she tells him, "The seven horse," whose name is Grande Amour.  Steve fills everyone in: "That means, 'Big Love,'" and after the word "means," he sort of Elvis Presleys his lip and it adds another eighteen layers of yuck to this already increasingly yucky story line.

So then Nat shakes Duke's hand and Duke's off, telling them, "See you at the finish line with my tire iron," only not really.

Mel's office again.

David, wearing some God-awful, multi-shit-colored sweatshirt, again approaches the receptionist's desk.

Arlene is under the misapprehension that David visiting twice in two days is some kind of treat.  Believe me, lady - it ain't.  David says that Mel called him and that it sounded important and she tells him he can go back because Mel's between appointments, even though it's been proven that in this office you can go chit-chat with the dentist, no problem, even when he's with a patient.

David walks in to the exam room, where Mel's lying in the chair.  Seriously, doesn't this guy have an office in this place? David asks, "Hey, Dad, what're you doin'?"

And then Mel says, "Just trying to figure out how I messed my life up," and I respond, "Not aborting David was probably your first mistake," but no one ever listens when I open my mouth, so whatever.

Cripes.  I can't take this anymore.  Mel tells David that Jackie broke up with him and that she's pregnant.  David admits that he knew of Jackie's pregnancy because Donna told him and Kelly told Donna and Brenda and the Walshes and that he told Donna about the marriage proposal and this is all his fault, just as Scott's horrifying, untimely death was his fault.  Although I may have added a thing or two to that.

In the end, David asks what his father is going to do and Mel leans back on the exam chair where he probably takes midday naps in this low-rent operation and says, "If all else fails? Beg."

Shot of the racetrack; the abused animals are coming round the bend, a couple of which will probably needlessly break their legs and be euthanized.

AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, Nat, Brandon and Steve cheer from the sidelines.

Grande Amour wins.

Celebration and inappropriate hugs.

Duke walks up to piss me off and call AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "little lady," and to announce that he's headed to the cashier.  Nat goes with him.

And then some nonsense where Brandon and Steve ask her how she's picking these winners and she doesn't know and they tell her not to over-analyze.  Whatever.

Office Building Of Taylor Spacecraft Hatch; the bell rings and Kelly opens the door to...

Kelly: "Oh, it's you." Mel asks, "Is your mother here?"

Up to the landing-catwalk thing, Jackie stands: "Mel, please, just go away.  I don't wanna talk about this anymore.  I've made up my mind."

Mel, down below: "Well, I haven't."

Jackie: "It's not your decision to make, it's mine.  I'm gonna have this baby whether you like it or not." And then she ever-so-maturely stomps away and slams a door.

Back here, Mel sees fit to discuss this stack of garbage with Kelly and asks, "What is her problem?"

Kelly: "Her hormones are in flux, Mel.  I think it has a little bit to do with being pregnant." Or she's just nuts from all the years of hardcore drug use.  

Whatever, he says, "I wish you would talk some sense into her," and involves this teenager even more in his spectacle of a life and adds, "Tell her that I don't wanna lose her."

Kelly, however, seems to have had enough of the nonsense: "You have a lotta nerve coming here.  You walk in, you sweep her off her feet"...

HORK...

..."and then because the two of you can't keep your pants on, my whole life is about to fall apart." Please don't talk about Mel without his pants on.  Please.

Mel says they made a mistake, Kelly advises him that, "Words are cheap," he says he loves Jackie and Kelly's all, "Then send her a Valentine.  But then again, I guess you already did." A baby would make, like, the worst Valentine ever, in my opinion.

Shot of Donna, riding a bicycle?

She stops next to David, also on a bicycle, and tells him, "Bike-riding was a great idea, but you haven't said anything for miles now." He says he has a lot on his mind and then they proceed to have the 57th conversation this episode alone about the life-ruining baby.  The end result is that, even though Jackie wouldn't talk to Mel and even though everybody's miserable, David, at Donna's suggestion, is going to try to talk to Jackie.  Which in turn will make Jackie all the more miserable, but I guess they didn't think that far ahead.

Office Building Of Taylor.  Doorbell rings.

Kelly answers it again because Jackie's too pregnant and hemorrhoided to do it her own damn self.  Anyway, here's David.

Kelly's not any happier to see him than she usually is, and tells him to fuck off.  He says he really needs to talk to Jackie...

...which is Jackie's cue to appear and say, "It's okay, honey.  I'll talk to David, because I really want to immerse all you minors deeper into this mess, because I'm a terrible parent and a soon-to-be terrible step-parent, so yes, David, let me school you on how your dad jizzed a zygote inside of me and now this fucking pickle is wreaking havoc on everyone's goddamn life." Or something along those lines.

There's this weird pan from some Valentine's Day cards (like 87 of them) to David and Jackie, sitting on the last step of the staircase? This was an odd choice of blocking.

While I actually enjoy this interaction between these two, it's more of the same: David explains that Mel wanted to marry Jackie before he knew about the baby and that she was actually the one to drop the baby bomb on Mel before she broke up with him and blah blah blah.

Jackie looks concerned and Brian Austin Green has the misfortune of being forced to say the following: "Come on, it's Valentine's Day.  Give Cupid a break." That line should've sent me into cardiac arrest, but he was actually able to make something non-nauseating for once.

H.O.W.

In the kitchen, Brenda makes a sandwich, Dylan (in a shirt I LOVE) standing behind her.  She asks him for the infinity time what they're doing on their date.  He then breaks up with her and walks the fuck out because he's as sick of hearing her questions about their plans as the rest of us are.  But really, he drops her one last clue: "You gotta be at least 17 years old to do what we are gonna do tonight." So it's not voting, then.  At least we can rule that out.

The kitchen door is closed for some reason, maybe so This HOT Bitch Cindy can make an entrance, because, YOWZA, she looks AMAZING.

Dylan thinks so, too, all, "Wow, Mrs. Walsh, you look great." Translation: "Let's you and me ditch these duds and ride off into the sunset together." Let's just say I would've been a lot less mad about Dylan cheating on Brenda with Cindy rather than some two-bit hussy like Kelly.

Anyway, the Parents' Walsh are off to "dinner at the beach," but before they go, Cindy asks, "Will you be here when we get back?" Brenda tells her mother to ask Dylan, "I don't even know where we're going," and then since there weren't any overtly stomach-churning moments between Brandon and Brenda this week, Jim's here's to snatch the crown of Most Inappropriate Walsh with, "Your plans don't involve anything dangerous or, ya know, risque?" What a fucked-up thing for a father to ask of his daughter and her boyfriend.

Miraculously, no one heaves at this, and instead, Dylan salutes him and says, "I promise you, we will be well taken care of in a public place, sir." Old People out.

And then it's Dylan's turn to leave.  To go find a new girlfriend, presumably, one whose family isn't an incestuous freak show like this one.  But really, he tells her he'll be back to pick her up at 7 and, after asking if it's "dressy, casual, what?" he recommends her wearing short sleeves...

...and then he bites his lip and smirks and we all DIE.

No.  No.  I don't want to do this anymore.  Let me give you the condensed version:

AHHHHHHNdrea's having trouble picking the next horse.  She ends up choosing one called Cupid's Wing.

Nat goes to place the bet, Brandon and Steve are off to get hotdogs, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea stays behind to wait for Blossom, Vinnie and Joey.  But really, she looks over and sees...

...Duke, at the paddock, making notes on the horses, or whatever it is unscrupulous types like him do.

Duke tells AHHHHHHHHHNdrea that Cupid's Wing is a dud, much the same way she is.

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea stops Nat before he places the bet, telling him what Duke advised her, including the tip to bet on a horse called Follow Me Home instead.

Nat nervously heads to the window, places the bet...

...and when he comes back to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and she asks him what he did, he tells her, "Ask me after the race."

Poor, innocent animals coming out of the gate.

These two rods scream and shout from the sideline.

AHHHHHNDrea asks Nat what he did, but he again doesn't answer her.

Follow Me Home wins! Steve calls Cupid's Wing a, "Good for nothin' bag a bones." Please die, Steve.  Please.

Duke walks by, all shady-like, and says, "I hope you took my advice."

And Nat did! And he and AHHHHHHNdrea stand up and cheer and she kisses him on the cheek and what a completely vile way to spend your Valentine's Day as a 17 year old.

Steve and Brandon, clueless.  Because they're under the misapprehension that they were still betting on Cupid's Wing.

And then AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea says they should quit while they're ahead and they leave.  Thus ends this atrocity against innocent animals and me.

Mel.  In his exam room.  Writing in a chart.

Jackie turns the corner wearing a bright pink skirt suit with exceptionally odd shoulder pads: "Hi, Mel."

Robo-Mel: "Jackie."

Jackie: "I hope I'm not interrupting," UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, "I know the last time I came, I kinda barged in.  I'm sorry." Jackie's demeanor is very strange here, like kind of loopy and dreamy-sounding.  Which is just completely unnecessary, given that it's Mel Goddamn Silver we're talking about.

Mel gets up and goes over to her, and she tells him that she talked to David and asks, "Is it true, then? Did you really wanna marry me before you knew I was pregnant?" because she apparently needs to be reassured one more time.  He tells her, "Yes, but now that I know you are pregnant, I don't want to marry you I kept trying to tell you that."

She says, "I made such a fool of myself," of which she'll get no arguments from me.  He touches her cheek, they talk about WHO CARES...

...and then this pure evil...

...and then Mel sticks his head out of the door and calls for Arlene: "There's a box on my desk, could you bring it in here, please?" So Mel does actually have an office in this joint, but perhaps he keeps that for part time engagement ring stashing and sex with hygienists, given that he chills in this particular exam room all the time.  Which just adds another level of creepy to Mel, which I can't explain, but it does.

Arlene walks in with the ring box and then won't leave, because she really wants to witness her slimy boss get engaged to a woman he'll be divorced from in about a year's time.  Ahh, true love.

Mel basically tells Arlene to get lost, then walks over to Jackie and takes a knee: "I wanna marry you, Jackie, so that I can destroy your and our new child's life in like, less than a year when I step out on you with someone who's barely older than David.  I wanna spend the next 10 or so months the rest of my life with you and our child.  Will you marry me?"

RUN JACKIE RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN NOW.  But instead: "Oh, Mel.  Yes.  Yes."

H.O.W., nighttime.  Doorbell.

Brenda, looking gorgeous in a silky, brocade vest-looking deal, comes down the stairs to answer it.

It's Dylan! Looking adorable and handing over chocolates and roses to her.

Kisses, and then Brenda asks, "Okay, you've kept me in suspense long enough.  Where are we going?"

It turns out, a play! Yay? He tells her, "It's called Love Letters.  It's about a man and a woman who are in love with each other for a lifetime.  Although they never really get together, their love is so strong that it grows in spite of them." *clenches teeth into a strained smile* Gee.  What a...great gift.

Brenda lies and says that it sounds not corny or cringey or terrible, but beautiful.  Then she asks, "But I don't get it.  I mean, what does a play have to do with all those clues?" He says that they're going somewhere before the play.  Ooo, intrig--to give blood.  They're going to give blood.

Again.

Inside, Donna and Kelly sit at the dining room table, all gussied up.  Donna reads something and says, "Oh, Kel, how sweet.  Steve sent you a Valentine's Day card." Kelly's all, "Yep.  It's a good thing I sent him one." No, it's not.

Jackie enters, wearing her third outfit of the day, which reminds me of some kind of sister-dress to this, like, the less-formal, more matronly, mother-of-the-bride version.  She informs everyone that dinner is almost ready.  Mel passes around flutes of sparkling cider...

...and what the fuck is David wearing? What is that shirt? Why is that shirt?

Then Mel makes a cheese-dick toast about "new beginnings" and "babies born of love." Or "oopsie babies born of too much to drink one night."

And then Donna points out the fact that David and Kelly will be (step)brother and (step)sister now, and Kelly's all, "Oh, my God," because she's a nincompoop who didn't realize it until just this moment? I guess.

David and his Shirt Of ALL The Questions laugh.

Donna takes a sip and smiles.

Kelly, appropriately, appears to be on the verge of suicide.

Exterior shot of the hospital that Steve was born at in New Mexico.  No, seriously:

~CRAY-ZEE.~

Inside, a nurse walks by with some Styrofoam cups filled with diseases and stuff.

Brenda and Dylan sit on some chairs in a waiting area, and she's all, "Donating blood? I never would have guessed this in a million years." She also says that it's probably a good thing he kept it a secret because she may not have come had she known.  He tells her it ain't no thang, and that he's been wanting to do it a long time, because when he was little, "I was in an automobile accident.  My head went through the windshield.  That's how I got this scar."

He points to his panty-dropping eyebrow scar and continues: "I needed a lot of blood.  Anyway, I decided that, when I got older, I'd give some back.  I thought you'd wanna do it with me." Brenda asks, "Why tonight?" and he tells her, "The accident happened on Valentine's Day."

Brenda smiles as some more fucking Easy Listening kicks in.

Shot of their hands intertwined.

They're lying in side-by-side beds.  She says, "Dylan, it's weird, but somehow, this is the most romantic thing we could ever have done together." D'awwww.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Bren."

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Another shot of their hands and this takes the cake for The Loveliest Way To End An Episode Ever.  I'm so glad they're so in love...

...until the next goddamn episode, where Brenda meets this dick-cheese, who's Just The Worst EVER, at something called a "Cardio-Funk" class, which is about the most-early-'90s thing I've ever heard of; Dylan nearly sticks his boogie board into Surf Betty's...Betty? and that fucking geek Jim tortures the patrons of the Peach Pit with a karaoke machine.  If you don't show up, I wouldn't blame you.  Until whenever, friends.

- All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz.

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