Awwwwww, yeeeeeeah. Shit’s about to get real-real in the 90210, y’all. Awesome Coked-Up Jackie is here and she’s ready to party. And ruin her daughter's life in the process. Whatever. Let’s do this.
Ugh. We start out in the newsroom, with AHHHHHHHHHHHndrea being a judgmental fuck about the upcoming West Bev Mother-Daughter fashion show. Because she sucks. And has no friends. And because her mother wants to rightfully disown her and her shitty attitude and repulsive sweater.
David: "What’d you say, man? I wasn’t listening because I’m busy plotting how to manipulate myself into a higher rank in the West Bev hierarchy. And ogling Kelly. And I’m pretty sure I’m wearing a Hypercolor shirt. Here, blow on it…"
Kelly: "Thankfully, the Awesome Coked-Up Jackie we will come to know and love is here."
Brenda: "WOW, Kelly. Your totally trashy, junkie mom is so much cooler than my clean-living Minnesotan mom. AND she said I was pretty."
Kelly: "Thanks, Trashy Real Housewife Friend. My coke addiction will only last, like, a couple of weeks, though, so I’m not too worried. And then I’ll be Single White Femaled by some garden gnome that I met in rehab. I just can’t win at life. Also, yes, your epidermis is like the skin on a Christmas ham."
Brenda: "OKAY! BECAUSE YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY MIDWESTERN FRUMP OF A MOM. SHE WON’T EVEN DO BUMPS OFF A CAR KEY. WHATEVER."
HOLY FUCKING FUCK, YOU GUYS. That is…rough. Like, rode hard by a train of seven different dudes and put away sopping wet rough. Even that tear-drop faux-pearl (you know it is) on the end of her earring wants nothing to do with THAT.
“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY POPOV? ALSO, WHAT IS UP WITH THIS KITCHEN/LOUNGING/MICROWAVE POPCORN AREA IN MY BEDROOM?”
WHO TO THE WHAT NOW. I…don’t know. Shannen Doherty’s upper-UPPER thigh/ass cheek-ish area needed some screen time.
Kelly: "I look like the anti-Kelly right now, all bouncy and not-bitchy. So my mom sucks a dick (literally, like 5 times a night) so can I eat dinner at your house?"
Kelly: "I am a Poor Little Nouveau Rich Girl. I hate my mom. She is a coked out sea hag. WHY DON’T YOU CATCH ON, BRENDA?"
Cindy: "At least I’m sober, bitch."
AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "I am a ruiner. Of everything."
The World: "YES. YES YOU ARE, AHHHHHHHHHHNDREA."
AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "I know. I’m From Out Of The District."
Cindy: "[Sad and dowdy. AS ALWAYS.] Can we get to my Almost-Affair yet???"
YAY. Truce. Just like that. Cindy can be in the fashion show. Let’s just hope she and Brenda leave the apron and the fucking Cross Your Heart tops at home, respectively.
Jackie: "[Being a garbage person.]"
Cindy: "She’s…a coke whore."
Not Rad-Felice: "This would be a perfect ensemble to wear next year when I step out on my husband. Well, not me. But, you know. The way rad Felice."
Jackie: "[Hopped up and ready to destroy her daughter’s life.]"
Cindy: "You’ve got a little coke on your Jem and the Holograms dress there, skank."
Cindy: "My Midwestern-y goodness doesn’t look so bad now, does it? Also, this dress is pretty fucking gross."
So Jackie struts out on stage to begin the proceedings, and Jim pops another boner over her in the audience.
AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "She really is. And that’s saying a lot coming from me because I live in The Valley. Oh, and I’m also Out Of District."
Cindy, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brenda come out, looking like they’re going to break it down, Supremes style.
So then Jackie, in her coked up reverie, recalls to the audience how she was once the Farley Girl. And then everyone in the audience laughs and laughs. Because obviously, 5’4”.
Kelly: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, YOU STUPID BITCH? YOU WERE THE ONE TO WALK IN ON HER DOING BUMPS. WHAT DO YOU THINK? GOD. PEOPLE FROM THE MIDWEST REALLY ARE FUCKING SLOW."
Jackie fumble-bumbles around like any good cokehead, and re-calls Cindy, Brenda, and AHHHHHHHHNDREA out to walk the runway. Because she is a garbage person. And a nightmare. And she should’ve been sterilized a long time ago.
Kelly’s (awesome) reaction is this; and then she smacks AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea down with the underhanded compliment of “I never knew you were so pretty.” Which she should’ve followed with “…because you dress like a fucking frump, your hair generally looks like it could use a good hot oil, and your personality is absolutely vile.” But didn't.
Cindy backhands Brenda and tells her to go get Kelly. Although, with that smug look on Jackie’s face, if I were Cindy, I would’ve slammed the door in her face and called the state to inquire about adopting Kelly immediately.
...but she doesn’t get an answer, so she obviously thinks her mom has OD’d and drown in a puddle of her own coked-out mouth-foam.
Brandon: "Mmmhmm. To all of it."