Friday, February 1, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 7 - Perfect Mom: Coked-Up Jackie Is Fun! And Then Not.

Awwwwww, yeeeeeeah. Shit’s about to get real-real in the 90210, y’all. Awesome Coked-Up Jackie is here and she’s ready to party. And ruin her daughter's life in the process. Whatever. Let’s do this. 

Ugh. We start out in the newsroom, with AHHHHHHHHHHHndrea being a judgmental fuck about the upcoming West Bev Mother-Daughter fashion show. Because she sucks. And has no friends. And because her mother wants to rightfully disown her and her shitty attitude and repulsive sweater. 

Brandon’s smug and annoying about something. The teacher finds it charming or something. Urkel over there is all “did I do that?”

Then comes the Mandatory Talk About AHHHHHHHHHHndrea Living Out Of District Scene For This Episode. BLAH BLAH GROSS HAIR BLAH AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea can’t enter the fashion show because, yes, She Lives Out Of District And Someone Might Find Out. And not care. BECAUSE NO ONE DOES.

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "Lakers hat? Check. Hideous color-blocked sweatshirt that I hope my crazy mother doesn’t bury me in after I 'accidentally' shoot myself in the stomach and die? Check. Horrible Friend who’s only using me until he manipulates himself into higher rank in the West Bev hierarchy? Check."

David: "What’d you say, man? I wasn’t listening because I’m busy plotting how to manipulate myself into a higher rank in the West Bev hierarchy. And ogling Kelly. And I’m pretty sure I’m wearing a Hypercolor shirt. Here, blow on it…"

So David, Tech Geek Extraordinaire and Voyeur Perv, films Kelly handing out clothes to all the nobody’s participating in the fashion show that Awesome Coked-Up Jackie will be emceeing. And ruining. With her cokey antics.

Donna: "So, I’m gradually getting more lines. And my hair is gradually getting crispier. And my mother in this episode is not the Rad, David-Hating, Champagne-Loathing, Philandering, Possibly Anti-Semitic Felice we all know and love. I think her name is also Nancy."

Kelly: "Thankfully, the Awesome Coked-Up Jackie we will come to know and love is here."

So then Brenda "Blossom" Walsh and Kelly cackle about the fact that Kelly is clique-ishly hoarding all of the good clothes for them. Nice knowing you, Donna. Also, Kelly sucks. Also: “the good clothes” are far fucking from it. You’ll see.

Cut to…THIS. FUCKING AWESOME FUCKING COKED-UP JACKIE. I think she’s on the straight and narrow here, snortables-wise, though. Although, that fringed bikini monstrosity might indicate otherwise. 

So Awesome Coked-Up Jackie and her trashy Real Housewife Friend gab about Jackie not needing sex or something. Sorry, I’m far too distracted by Jackie’s bikini top. It appears to be taken from a super-cheap Halloween costume you’d pick up at the grocery store on the morning of October 31st. Oh, Awesome Coked-Up Jackie. You and your trashy, trashy ways. 

Yes. THIS. THIS was my first reaction upon seeing that bikini.

So Kelly (looking cute) and Brenda (looking…not cute) show up and gab with the muttons-dressed-as-lambs.

Awesome Coked-Up Jackie: "I am SO high right now. Brenda, you’re pretty. Wanna do a line off my Pocahontas-clad tits and then make out?"

Brenda: "WOW, Kelly. Your totally trashy, junkie mom is so much cooler than my clean-living Minnesotan mom. AND she said I was pretty." 

Trashy Real Housewife Friend: "Your mom is so coked-up, Kelly. And you will be, too, in a few seasons. Also, your gorgeous, alabaster skin could turn into ME someday if you’re not careful about sun protection. Just a little tip from me to you."

Kelly: "Thanks, Trashy Real Housewife Friend. My coke addiction will only last, like, a couple of weeks, though, so I’m not too worried. And then I’ll be Single White Femaled by some garden gnome that I met in rehab. I just can’t win at life. Also, yes, your epidermis is like the skin on a Christmas ham."

Awesome Coked-Up Jackie: "Ima go puke in the pool. Brenda, will you hold my hair back? Oh, wait, it’s not long enough to pull back! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, well. Let’s go do lines off the toilet seat while I tell you about my former career as a Farley model, which is almost as unbelievable as when Kelly becomes a supermodel in a few years! We’re both stumps! HA!"


After impressing Brenda with her trashiness, Jackie gets ready for her date…in this. And by “date," I mean “john.” Because obviously.

Kelly and her cute dress (rightfully) judge Jackie and her pleather…whatever that is, from the Forever 21 clearance rack.

Then they talk about Jackie’s sobriety, and GOD. LOOK AT JENNIE GARTH’S HAIR. I remember being 10 years old and just, like, DYING to have hair like hers. The color, the length, the style. ANYway.

Jackie goes on her cokey way, and Kelly discovers that Jackie’s drink was straight-up Popov vodka. Nothing but the finest for our Jackie.

Dowdy Ville, Population: Sober Cindy Walsh. God. Just look at her there being all sober and attentive to her kids needs and cooking them dinner and shit. She disgusts me. And her hair? REALLY disgusts me. Blah blah blah they talk about eating popcorn for dinner. No one cares, because we’re all just waiting for…

…hold on…

…just a second…

…a little longer

HOLY FUCKING FUCK, YOU GUYS. That is…rough. Like, rode hard by a train of seven different dudes and put away sopping wet rough. Even that tear-drop faux-pearl (you know it is) on the end of her earring wants nothing to do with THAT.

Kelly: "I look very pretty here. And you are a fucking disaster. Wash your face and put some proper clothes on, mutt."

Jackie: "COKE." 

Looks like the right earring made an early escape. Good thinking, Right Earring.


“I’m emancipating myself first thing Monday morning, because obviously, you hag.”

YIKES. Per this picture, Jackie grows a second row of teeth all Aliens-style when provoked and vodka-less. 

"Go back to Timber Hills, Mom. You are a fucking train wreck."

“FUCK OFF. I’m heading to Wet Seal to find something to wear to the fashion show when the entirety of West Bev discovers that I’m a coke whore. Smell ya later, blondie.”

WHO TO THE WHAT NOW. I…don’t know. Shannen Doherty’s upper-UPPER thigh/ass cheek-ish area needed some screen time. 

Cindy is appropriately judgmental, both about the jeans and Brenda’s abortion of a top. Brenda's hair, however? Looking fab. Also: WHERE IS DYLAN?

Some snoozy argument about Cindy not liking Jackie. OH. JUST YOU WAIT, CINDY.

David, stalking. WHATEVER.

Kelly and Donna, giving him these AWESOME looks of disdain and hatred. Oh, Donna. Too bad you couldn’t have continued on with that loathing. ANYway, Kelly agrees to do an interview with this fucking dweeb before the fashion show. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND CARES.

And then this happens. Like, maybe AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea should’ve been less concerned with making a stink about Living Out Of The Goddamn District and been more concerned with MAKING AN APPOINTMENT AT FUCKING GREAT CLIPS. Seriously. Did they not have smoothing serum in 1990? Or fucking scissors???

Brandon, being the manipulative foolio we will all come to know and detest, wearing his fucking MOCK TURTLENECK, tells her she looks good. Because he is legally blind, apparently. Then they talk about AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea walking with Brenda and Cindy in the fashion show. Because she can’t walk with her mother. Why? Oh, didn’t you hear? BECAUSE SHE LIVES OUT OF DISTRICT AND DOESN’T WANT ANYONE TO FIND OUT. 

Brenda: "What the fuck is with this shirt? And these bangs look shitty here."

Kelly: "I look like the anti-Kelly right now, all bouncy and not-bitchy. So my mom sucks a dick (literally, like 5 times a night) so can I eat dinner at your house?" 

Brenda: "Ew, why? Your drug addict mom is so cool."

Kelly: "I am a Poor Little Nouveau Rich Girl. I hate my mom. She is a coked out sea hag. WHY DON’T YOU CATCH ON, BRENDA?"

Kelly: "[Back to Bitchery.]"

Cindy: "At least I’m sober, bitch."

Brenda: "[Clueless.]"

Brenda and Brandon’s Great Aunt Gloria…oh, no. Wait. It’s AHHHHHHHHNdrea, come to Wet Blanket the evening with her personality and her wardrobe.

My thoughts exactly, Kelly.

Jim forces Brenda to play servant. Because he hates her and her Soon-To-Be Non-Virgin Ways. And loves Brandon. Because Brandon Hates Black People. Jim fucking kicks rocks.

Brandon, douche that he is, asks if AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea can walk in the fashion show with Cindy and Brenda.

Cindy and her Midwestern Feathers are shocked and saddened. BRENDA’S A MONSTER AND NEVER ASKED HER TO BE IN THE FASHION SHOW.

Kelly: "Even though my mom is a coked out probably-hooker, at least she looks semi-okay in the latest fashions from Forever 21."

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "I am a ruiner. Of everything."


"[As usual, being a prick to Brenda; also, looking like Jay Sherman.]"

Kelly: "AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, you truly are the worst."

AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "I know. I’m From Out Of The District."

Jim: "[Actually being comforting for once in his fucking life.]"

Cindy: "[Sad and dowdy. AS ALWAYS.] Can we get to my Almost-Affair yet???"

"[Apparently coked-out on some of Jackie’s good shit; also: apologetic.]"

YAY. Truce. Just like that. Cindy can be in the fashion show. Let’s just hope she and Brenda leave the apron and the fucking Cross Your Heart tops at home, respectively. 

So Kelly and her jam-pants go back to her house, only to find that the door is locked and Jackie didn’t leave a key. Because she’s a coked-up garbage person. 

Kelly crawls through the door of the dog we will never see again.

She goes to confront Jackie and finds THIS. SWEET SHIT. JACKIE’S A DRUNK.

Kelly rolls Jackie over from a puddle of her own sick (I assume – look at that face). Also: I had a very similar pair of the leggings Jackie’s wearing. Because it was the early-90s, you see. 

Kelly: "[Put-upon; taking Jackie’s stank shoes off.]"

Jackie: "[Being a garbage person.]"

The next morning, Kelly can’t get the booze-bag out of bed, so she calls ol’ Trashy Real Housewife Friend, and basically reams her out for being a garbage person and allowing Jackie to get all wasted. Go, Kelly.

Jackie, not giving two shits about lying on a bare mattress, talking to Trashy Real Housewife Friend. Then she gets on her nifty Computer Of The Future and launches a space shuttle. Also: how many phones does she need in her room? Maybe the one she’s talking on is generally in the Microwave Popcorn area?

Done talking with Trashy Real Housewife Friend, Jackie sees fit to whip out her Goody Compact Mirror and snort up. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER DAUGHTER. BECAUSE THAT’S FUCKING APPROPRIATE.

Kelly is rightfully horrified and upset, and immediately heads to the orphanage to put herself up for adoption. Because SERIOUSLY.

Jackie’s all “Shut up, buzzkill. I need to brush my teeth to get the taste of coke and semen out of my mouth.” Because OBVIOUSLY. 

Shut up, Not-Rad Felice. 

Cindy looks…better? At least she’s out of her Jacqueline Smith For Kmart Collection. Brenda’s dress looks kind of retro-ish, so…a tentative thumbs up. And then there’s this…

I actually think she looks very pretty here, face-and-hair-wise. The hair and makeup people REALLY should’ve made her ‘do look like this every episode, instead of that growing-out-Ogilvie-home-perm horror show they stuck her with for eons. The more defined curls look oodles better. 

So The Two Pricks show up and ogle all the women they see and pop boners all over the place and generally act like fucking pigs. Surprising? NO.

Nice fucking MOCK TURTLENECK, Jim.

So Perv-O David and Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon show up…in the dressing room…to get footage? I don’t know. Apparently the school is okay with soft core porn.

Luckily, Donna, in her favorite cutoff marching jacket and big haired…whatever that is, gives this douche the what-for and kick him and his soon-to-be deceased sidekick out. Because he is The Worst.

So they track down Jackie and Kelly in their fashion show “finest."

Jackie has to go do some lines in the bathroom to prepare for the show, duh, so David proceeds to interview Kelly, who’s having none of it.

So being the Experienced Cokehead that she is, Jackie makes sure there’s no one else in the bathroom. This Einstein doesn’t seem to care that there is no lock on the actual bathroom door, however, and that ANYONE AT ANY TIME COULD JUST BARGE IN AND CATCH HER IN THE ACT OF DEVIATING HER SEPTUM. 

But her cokey-urges are more powerful, so she sniffs up...

…AND OF COURSE, LOOK WHO WALKS IN. GOD, JACKIE. YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Also, Cindy (facially) looks very pretty here. That dress? Very Nancy Reagan Circa 1985.

"[Ashamed. But not really.]"

Brenda: "I am SO EXCITED for you to meet Kelly’s shitty mom!"

Cindy: "She’s…a coke whore."

Not Rad-Felice: "This would be a perfect ensemble to wear next year when I step out on my husband. Well, not me. But, you know. The way rad Felice."

Jackie: "[Hopped up and ready to destroy her daughter’s life.]"

Brenda: "SQUEEEEE! Jackie, meet my mom!"

Cindy: "You’ve got a little coke on your Jem and the Holograms dress there, skank."

"My hair is JUST AWFUL, and will be for many seasons to come, but I have a pretty face. And they did a really good job at casting me as Kelly’s mom. You can TOTES see it, right?"

Brenda: "Jackie is such a coked-up bitch. God, I hate her."

Cindy: "My Midwestern-y goodness doesn’t look so bad now, does it? Also, this dress is pretty fucking gross."

So Jackie struts out on stage to begin the proceedings, and Jim pops another boner over her in the audience.


Kelly is silently praying that Jackie doesn’t like, get a coke-related nosebleed or something. The first pair up? Debbie Reynolds and her daughter.


Kelly: "My mom truly is a garbage person."

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "She really is. And that’s saying a lot coming from me because I live in The Valley. Oh, and I’m also Out Of District."

Jackie’s Belligerence Begins.

Cindy, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brenda come out, looking like they’re going to break it down, Supremes style. 

Jim pops another boner over AHHHHHHHHHNdrea; Brandon? Pops one over Brenda.

So then Jackie, in her coked up reverie, recalls to the audience how she was once the Farley Girl. And then everyone in the audience laughs and laughs. Because obviously, 5’4”. 

Donna and Not Felice are up next, wearing Jacqueline Smith’s Swim Collection…

WOW. Real Felice would never have been caught DEAD in that fucking mess. 

Jackie continues on with her coke-ridden tirade, and Not Rad Felice shoots her this awesome look of contempt. Way to go out on a high note, Not Rad Felice. Also: Donna is wearing more clothing here than she generally will over the course of the next ten years. 

Cindy: "Is she okay?"


Jackie fumble-bumbles around like any good cokehead, and re-calls Cindy, Brenda, and AHHHHHHHHNDREA out to walk the runway. Because she is a garbage person. And a nightmare. And she should’ve been sterilized a long time ago. 

Kelly is TOTES mortified, and RUNS, Brenda hot on her heels.

Brenda’s a dumbass, all, sorry your mom who I thought was perfect is a total cokehead. And Kelly’s all like, duh.

"My mother doesn't love me."

“You're probably right. But she has pretty clothes! And a spaceship control pad in her bedroom!”

The West Bev Fashion Show From Hell Recap at Casa Walsh. AHHHHHHHHHNdrea’s back to being the worst…

…which she proves by brown-nosing Kelly and telling her (Kelly) that she’s the strongest person she knows. WHATEVER, ASS-KISS.

Kelly’s (awesome) reaction is this; and then she smacks AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea down with the underhanded compliment of “I never knew you were so pretty.” Which she should’ve followed with “…because you dress like a fucking frump, your hair generally looks like it could use a good hot oil, and your personality is absolutely vile.” But didn't. 

Then Jackie shows up in…that, and asks after Kelly.

Brenda turns on the bitchery and informs Jackie that Kelly’s not there. Because she, Jackie, sucks ass. And dicks, most likely. Gotta pay for the coke somehow.

Cindy backhands Brenda and tells her to go get Kelly. Although, with that smug look on Jackie’s face, if I were Cindy, I would’ve slammed the door in her face and called the state to inquire about adopting Kelly immediately. 


“Actually, I’m a smug garbage person who really doesn’t care. Whatevs.”

Jackie basically tells Kelly to come home or something, and then Kelly starts to bawl. Because her mother truly is a garbage person and her life sucks. And will only continue to get suckier and suckier over the next ten seasons. And I know this is weird, but I love the way Jennie Garth cries. She's a really good crier. 

Then Cindy, being a Non-Garbage-Person Mom, embraces Kelly, and Brenda begins to realize that maybe she doesn’t have it so bad, even with her mom's horrible hair and gross clothes.

Kelly comes home to her Office Building House and calls for her mother...

...but she doesn’t get an answer, so she obviously thinks her mom has OD’d and drown in a puddle of her own coked-out mouth-foam.

But she hasn’t! She’s put on a ratty, trashy t-shirt, fixed some popcorn, and started packing for rehab at Timber Hills. Just like that.

Aww. Even though Jackie just wiped some coke-snot on Kelly’s shoulder.

Brenda: "I am awful. First, I am wearing THIS. Like, WHAT IS IT? Second, I’m a horrible friend and daughter."

Brandon: "Mmmhmm. To all of it."

Kelly, meanwhile, is in a relatively cute dress (again: would be a lot cuter if it were A LOT smaller) and thanking Cindy for her guidance, her wisdom, and her feather-haired Midwestern ways. Brenda is an unappreciative bitch. Basically.

“Thanks, Kelly. I may have awful hair, but yes, I am a good mother. Now, I have to go because that unappreciative bitch is eavesdropping. Have fun taking your mother to rehab!”

So then some kind of peace treaty happens between these two, which I really don’t get because I thought everything was fine after Cindy was allowed to be in the fashion show. NO ONE CARES.

So Jackie comes out, all psyched to be headed to rehab for the umpteenth time (I assume) and runs into this twerp. Who she will eventually be a stepmother to. Poor Jackie. She should just keep doing the coke.

David gives Kelly the videotape of Jackie’s “performance” at the fashion show. He didn’t want it to get out and have Kelly be even more embarrassed and ashamed. But really, he just wanted to pop a boner when she did this…


So David’s all nosy and inquiring, and then Kelly gets in her Beemer and runs him the fuck over. THE END.

But not, because that didn’t happen. David is still a fucking dork. And alive.

And then off they go to rehab! Also: no Dylan this episode, boo. But! No Steve this episode, either! REJOICE. Maybe he pulled a Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon.

All images courtesy of, Google.

1 comment:

  1. Do you know that the actress who plays coked-up cool/not-cool Jackie is now an EPISCOPAL PRIEST??? Hard to picture, somehow.