Sunday, December 7, 2014

Season 2; Episode 11 - Leading From The Heart: You Will Probably Think A Lot Less Of People In Wheelchairs After Watching This Episode. I Know I Do.

In which we meet Brenda and Brandon's cousin from Minnesota, Bobby Wheelchair.  The reason he's in a wheelchair? Brandon.  Also, Bobby Wheelchair's a male Walsh, so he's kind of a douche.  And has the eyes of sexual assaulter.  And looks at Kelly like he's going to make Kelly-skin lampshades in the near-future.  And gets mad at Kelly for ever having gone on a date before he came to town.  And I really don't like the guy, if you couldn't already tell.  And I guess: read on.

While a sweet ghee-tar lick plays in the background, we open on this palm tree...

...and then fade down to the front entrance of West Bev...

...where our friend with his neon-and-black backpack makes the exact same trek up the steps as always.  Dude likes a routine, apparently.

We also get a shot of these dowdy (presumed) teacher-ladies and their Ross Dress for Less discount rack duds.

More Sweet Ghee-tar music plays as we see this mushroom-headed band loser.  Who actually looks more hip and "with it" than AHHHHHHNdrea.

Inside to the hallway with Brandon coming up behind Emily (now with semi-dyed roots!) and RUN EMILY RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND SOUL!

Brandon catches up to her and asks, "Where ya been, stranger? Long time no see." Emily does not answer with the truth (that she's been avoiding Brandon like the plague because he is indeed a plague, and a smug one at that) as I would've, but rather makes some excuses about her credits not transferring from her old school and that she's been taking sophomore make-up classes.  She asks Brandon what he's been up to and he's all, "Seems like I've been spendin' all my time on The West Beverly Blaze." Does he have to clarify that it's the "West Beverly" Blaze? Does Beverly High or Pacific Palisades High or fucking El Monte High have a school paper called The Blaze? I somehow doubt it, but if so, NO ONE WOULD CARE ANYWAY.  Except for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  But who cares, because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

Unfortunately, Emily seems all impressed and tells him that she's been reading his articles and I guess like, masturbating to them or something.  Brandon says that he's in a rush to meet Brenda and that she's taking her driver's test "for the third time." Emily's all, "What's her problem, anyway?" and as I recall, it was you and your upcoming pelvic exam, bitch.  But Brandon tells her, "Parallel parking.  We practice and practice but she just doesn't get it." And then he laughs and laughs about his sister's vehicular shortcomings like a real shithead.

Over in another part of the hallway, Donna (who looks great in white) Brenda (perfect as always) and Kelly (wearing...a shirt from Jackie's coke-fiend days?) walk together as Brenda talks about being freaked out about her driving test and hitting the orange cones used for parallel parking and the horrible dream she had the night before where she had to park a semi between two "gigantic oreenge [yes, she pronounces it "oreenge" and is adorable] cones" that were filled with explosives.

They wind up at Brenda's locker and she asks the other two if they were freaked out about their driving exams and Kelly braggarts, "God no.  I passed with flying colors.  I think some people are just born to drive." Donna sets the record straight and informs Brenda, "Oh, please.  You should've seen Kelly when she first got her license.  For the first month, I felt like a crash test dummy." Kelly admits that she had a few "fender-benders" but that's how she learned.  Ah, rich kids.

Brandon then comes up behind Brenda and gets inappropriately close and touchy and asks if she's ready.  Brenda asks where Dylan is and Brandon's all, "Throwing back a Zima Gold in the parking lot," only not really, but rather, "I saw him at lunch, he said he'd meet us out front."

Brenda, Donna and Kelly have a group hug which was nice.  Something to remember later in the episode when Bobby Wheelchair is eating our souls with his dead-eyed gaze.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Season 2; Episode 10 - Necessity Is A Mother: Actually, Necessity Is A Box Of Franzia Sunset Blush Wine (Chillable Red Will Do In A Pinch), Several Cats To Pet, And A Toned Pair Of Eyeballs For All The Rolling They'll Be Doing While Watching This Episode.

In which Iris McKay (the person, not just the name) finally blows onto our screens and even though she's an abandoning, derelict, neglectful garbage person parent, you can't help but be sort-of charmed by her hippie-dippy, Cocker Spaniel-haired Earth Mother routine.  (Mostly I love her because she's cunty to Kelly after she and Dylan start dating in Season 3.)  Also, anyone who can give Cindy enough peyote-laced wheat germ to do this:

And then THIS:

Is all right in my book.  Tuck in.

We open inside a pool hall.  Bluesy, Bo Diddley music plays in the background.  You should get used to it, because it will play approximately 1,357 times this episode, always to let us know that we're in this billiards hall which is undoubtedly on the wrong side of the tracks and that all the people you see here are criminals and lowlifes.

We roll by several pool tables with loads of trashy randos who've given up on life standing around them.

We eventually wind up at YOU GUESSED IT Resident Beverly Hills Bad Boy Dylan McKay's table.  I'm pretty certain he was allowed in the pool hall given that he looks 29 here.

The Consummate Poor Little Rich Boy tosses his pool cue onto the table and walks away, like the rude, self-entitled little twat that he is.

He walks up to this guy at the register and gives him the rack of his balls.  I am 12, due to the fact that the term "rack of his balls" makes me chuckle.  Counter Guy asks, "Takin' off already?" and Dylan's all, "Yeah, I gotta get home.  Dinner with Mom."  Counter Guys goes from "Weirdly Dressed Guest Relations Person" to "All The Way Terrifying Serial Killer Whose Crawl Space Should Probably Be Exhumed" when he says, "Yeah, I had a mother once." Soooooo...he's a murderer, right? Like no doubt in anyone's mind? Okay, cool - glad to see we're all on the same page.

Counter Guy keeps randomly laughing like the fucking mental patient and sociopathic life-ender he is and tells Dylan, "You know, McKay, you're about the last guy who would ever struck me as bein' a mama's boy," which prompts Dylan to look at him like this (i.e. with a mixture of fear and...fear) and then slowly back away from the counter and out of the pool hall.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Season 2; Episode 9 - Ashes to Ashes: You Should Read This While Intermittently Watching Videos Of Kittens And Puppies Romping, Because It's Both Boring And Depressing And Videos Of Kittens And Puppies Romping Fixes Both Of Those Things.

This thing would've been up last weekend, but I was sick with what I'm pretty certain was Ebola or something in the same strain-family as Ebola, and also Gilmore Girls (shut up) arrived on NetFlix so that's been eating away at my entire existence taking up some most of my time (I said, shut up).  So, here it is.  Perhaps not the most inspired of posts (are they ever?)  but whatever.

In which I get to dissect an episode about police brutality against a black youth who's armed only with a pitiful bouquet of flowers and a tub of strawberry yogurt.  So...this shouldn't be awkward and uncomfortable in the slightest.  Can we go back to finding new ways to describe the decaying prairie dog corpse residing on top of Emily Valentine's head? No?  Okay then.  Let's get squirmy.

We open at House Of Walsh, nighttime.

Inside to the Living Room Of Walsh where a bunch of Adult Randos who fell straight out of 1982 are convened and sitting on folding chairs and looking at...something.

Which turns out to be this guy, standing at the front of the group, looking at his wristwatch.

Brandon and his trashy hair and Brenda, with her reasonably cute sweater and Vulvodynia Jeans, stand in the doorway and judge all the Old Timers.  Rightfully so, I believe, given how all of them are dressed.

And then Rando Guy launches into, "Believe it or not, that was 90 seconds.  Not a long time by any means, but certainly long enough for any garden-variety criminal to rob your house; rob you bat blind!  It's not my intention to frighten you!  I'm simply trying to point out that in that same 90 seconds, an armed guard from the West Beverly Hills Patrol would've been at your doorstep!" and dude needs to calm the fuck down and work on his presentation skills (or cut down on the coke) because he's like, shouting at everyone and coming across like a real bossy prick.  So basically, he's coming across like Brandon.

Cindy, Jim and some biddy sit in the front row and nod in approval.  Side note: Cindy looks very pretty in this scene.  Not that you can tell from this still.  But she does.  Trust me.

So Rando Guy says, "Before I take any questions, I'd like to thank our hosts of the evening - also they are our newest subscribers - Jack and Candy Welsh."

That was...GLOOOOOOOOORious.  As is Cindy's Cut A Bitch face.

As Rando Guy chuckles like some kind of sweaty sexual deviant and the crowd of Old Timers applauds, Jim and Cindy turn around and Jim clarifies, "It's Walsh.  Jim and Cindy Walsh."

Later, Rando shows Jim the ins-and-outs of the Walshes' newly installed alarm system.  Brandon and Brenda walk by making faces and Brandon condescendingly mutters to his father, "Well, now we can sleep at night." Jim mutters back, "Huh, don't get me started, this was your mother's idea," because he apparently thinks the man standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WHO WORKS FOR THE ALARM COMPANY HE'S CURRENTLY DISSING can't hear a single dickish word he's saying.

Cindy, meanwhile, has her hands full with the biddy, whose name we find out is Mrs. Cooper.  Cindy's talking about being another "block captain," because it will make her feel important in society and she won't have the need to knock back a bottle or three of Sutter Home white zin every afternoon (I'm paraphrasing).  Mrs. Cooper talks about some Lieberman's in the neighborhood whose house was recently broken into in broad daylight, as well as the some dude with the last name of Kaplan who has a bunch of yapping dogs.  And then she asks Cindy if she knows of the new people who moved into the old Walker house.  Cindy's all, "What are they like?" and Mrs. C. tells her, "Colored." Hahaha, just kidding.  She merely chortles all racistly and says, "Oh, you'll see."

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Season 2; Episode 8 - Wild Fire: Was This Title A Clever Foreshadowing Of Emily's Propensity To Light Homecoming Floats Ablaze???

(I will preface this one with HOLY MOLY, August-into-September has been a blur of work, a trip up to San Francisco to visit Benjamin [of Banana Walsh fame] for the long Labor Day weekend, my boyfriend going back to school and me having to safety-pin his mittens to his jacket and pack his lunches every morning and lay out his outfits every evening [none of that has actually happened] and my family coming for a visit here in L.A.  Also: napping, talking to my cats about nothing in particular, napping some more, again, watching Seinfeld [shocker] and procrastinating the writing of this recap because...? No idea.  I mean, other than San Francisco and my family's visit, my life is essentially a really, really uneventful, non-funny and pathetic version of Groundhog Day.  Anyhow, once again, apologies on the delayed posting of this thing.  I guess Emily Valentine's mere presence wasn't the kick in the pants I thought it would be.  Or maybe her hair just really turned my stomach and gave me the night sweats with a side of cholera, I don't know.  Whatever, without further ado, read on.)

In which Our Beloveds finally realize that they're really only truly Hot Sluts when they're together...which is a lie, seeing as Brenda continues to be a Hot Slut until the end of time and Dylan leaves his Hot Slut behind midway through Season 3...but I digress.  We're also introduced to Emily Valentine and her Hair Of ALL Horrors, which for some reason brings all the boys to her greasy, messy, desperately-in-need-of-a-root-touch-up'ed yard.  And finally: The Return Of Poor (Seriously, Where's The Gun?) Scott Scanlon! Now with 715% more Fucking Dork.  But after some For Real Talk he lays down on David this episode, he may just replace Brenda in The Special Place in the cold, charred, coal-like substance that resides somewhere beneath my rib cage (i.e. my heart).  It's on!

We open...at the BHBC?!? WHO THE WHAT.  I thought we were done with this shit!

Psych! We totally are.  This is just a dream.  Which you can obviously tell seeing as women are coming onto Brandon.  Anyhow, a waiter brings him a drink as these three skanks, who fell straight out of an episode of Just The Ten Of Us, rub their skank hands all over him and for some reason repeatedly kiss his cheek.

And then this delicate gardenia appears on the horizon, serving up some serious Kelly Bundy-level Essence Of Elegant√© 1980s Video Vixen with those lace-front spandex booty-shorts and matching, midriff-baring, keyhole-in-the-shape-of-a-stretched-out-vadge top.  And she rolls up, breathily repeating "Brandon" over and over, and by "breathily," I mean "mannishly" because girlfriend sounds like Morgan Freeman with a chest cold.

Brandon of course pops innumerable Woodrows and proceeds to lower his grodsky octagonal Claire's sunglasses and peers over the top of them at the exquisite Swarovski crystal coming towards him.  But! Suddenly! Dream Dude's Girl's voice turns into Brenda's...

...and we cut to Brandon's bedroom inside H.O.W., as Brenda attempts to awaken her layabout brother with, "Get outta bed, pokey.  You don't wanna be late for school, do you?"


Brandon rolls over with his schlong at full-mast, presumably, and he and Brenda talk about the anxiety dreams she's been having for the last week (including one where she shows up for class unclothed) in the lead-up to the first day of school.

Brenda doesn't think that there's anything for her to be nervous about, seeing as she and Brandon aren't the poorly-dressed-and-coiffed hayseeds fresh off the covered wagon from Minnesota like they were the previous year, and Brandon says that it's probably because it's the "first day of school.  New classes.  New teachers.  Old boyfriends." Brenda asks, "What does that have to do with going to school nekkid?" and yes; Shannen Doherty seriously says "nekkid" and I love her for it.  And then Brandon makes a non-joke with, "Right.  Relax.  You were probably just tryin' to make a fashion statement." Shut up, Brandon.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Season 2; Episode 7 - Camping Trip: Here's The Recap That Took Me Seven Centuries To Complete Because (SPOILER ALERT) It's Just The FUCKING WORST.

In which WHO CARES.  This episode sucks.  Many, many dicks.  And, as stated several times previously: Brandon almost dies, but doesn't.  SO WHAT'S THE POINT? TELL ME.  Also: there's this Rando Just Married Couple that shows up, and they're mostly creepy interlopers who completely lack boundaries, and who are well on their way to being deranged, typically fucked-up Beverly Hills Parent-types, but they Learn A Lesson from the kids and Steve and AHHHHHHHHNdrea so whatever, it's fine.  As long as the rich asshole teenagers from West L.A. feel good about themselves, that's all the matters, right? Right.  So anyway...did I mention Brandon doesn't plummet to his well-deserved and much-anticipated death in this one? No? Well, he doesn't.  I haven't been this disappointed since Brandon didn't die in a fiery, soused-up car accident after binge-guzzling Steve "Sandra [SAUNdra?] Lee" SAUNders' Semi-Homemade Hooch.  Anyway.  On with the (JUST GOD-AWFUL) show, I guess.  Go there.

We open, where else? on House Of Walsh.


Up to Brandon's room, where he's currently being squaty-legged and rummaging for something on the top shelf in his closet.  As he does so, Brenda calls from off-camera, "Brandon! You better give me your toothbrush and stuff if you want me to pack them for you!" Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!  And by "Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!" I of course mean "They're going camping with The Gang and I have maybe three moist shits to give about all of this."


Brenda enters her brother's room and sees him foraging for something (shoe lifts?) and says, "I hope you're not finding more stuff to take.  Your half of the bag is already full." Seriously, they're not allowed to bring more than a bag? The van that they've rented (I guess?) looks pretty huge, as you'll see, but I guess most of the space will be taken up by Brandon's ego and princely ideals of himself as well as Steve's Power Mullet and garment bags teeming with his trusty belly shirts.


Brandon finds whatever he was looking for and then almost eats it and crushes his skull and shatters his pelvis and snaps his spine and dies while coming off of the chair but doesn't, and this episode, in addition to being totally imbecilic, mind-numbingly tedious and a fucking waste of LIFE, is also really just one big tease and I don't appreciate it at all.


So what Brandon was looking for and found was this hat that I can only assume was part of his Boxcar Willie costume the previous Halloween.  And then there's this massively cringe-worthy moment where Brandon says it's his "lucky" hat, and Brenda LITERALLY describes it as "one nerdy looking thang," (yes, "thang") and he tells her that he thinks it's cool (of course he does) and her response is, "Well maybe to a beaver," and it's got to be the most awkward and unnatural scene between these two, ever, and it really made me clench my backside in a really unpleasant way.


Kelly then stomps into the room, wearing a Cherokee for Target t-shirt she borrowed from Brandon, and the shorts I wore everyday in 8th grade.  And she tells him that Steve is the fucking worst.  And no one in CREATION is surprised and everyone responds to her with a collective, "DUH."  But really, she comes in to tell Brandon, "You have got to do something about [Steve]...he is unpacking Donna's suitcases.  He said she's exceeded her luggage allowance." I would suggest that Steve has exceeded his word allowance for a lifetime, as well as the allowance of the number of racer-back tanks somebody can own, but no one ever listens to me so never mind.


Brandon leaves the room to go try to be all butch with Steve and throws his hobo-hat atop Brenda's head.  She immediately rips it off of her skull, fearing that his gross hair is catching.  I don't blame her.  So then the girls talk about how Jackie forced Kelly to bring David on the camping trip, because Jackie and Mel are going out of town to probably hang with a bunch of degenerate, couple-swinging oral surgeons or whatever revolting shit Mel's undoubtedly into.  And then Brenda says that Dylan's not going on the camping trip because his mom moved back? from Hawaii? Hell if I know.  I mean, obviously I knew Iris had moved back to L.A. with Dylan because of subsequent Season 2 story lines, but I find it odd that none of this was mentioned in the previous episode.  Like any sort of conversation about where Dylan's going to live and with whom.  Whatever.  Why I expect this show to be some beacon of continuity is beyond me.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Season 2; Episode 6 - Pass, Not Pass: I Will Pass On Everything In This Episode Except For The Beatdown Brenda's Right Palm Puts On AHHHHHHHHNdrea's Left Cheek.

In which BRENDA SLAPS AHHHHHHHHHNDREA.  That's all you need to know.  Let's dance.

We open at the House Of Walsh.

Inside Brenda's room, AHHHHHNdrea's being the grade-grubbing dork we've all come to know and detest and pestering Brenda about choosing a scene to act out for their final in Garg's drama class.  Brenda wants to do Annie Hall because she looks good in hats:

Which: no comment.  But Doll Brenda my boyfriend bought me came with a bunch of accessories and here's what she looks like with a hat on:

Again: no comment.  And yes: Doll Brenda came with a stand that rides up her genitals and has "BRENDA WALSH" emblazoned across the bottom of it.  What I'm trying to say is that Doll Brenda is just as fabulous as Real Brenda.  Moving along.

So AHHHHHHHNdrea, in another top the wardrobe department picked up at Limited Too, advises Brenda, "You're Mr. Suitor's pet.  I have never performed in this class before, I have to do well in order to pass," leading to the conclusion that only Brenda, Donna and Big Dave have performed in the class? I guess? Garg is doing the West Beverly Hills School District proud, I see.

So then Six LeMeure...I mean, Brenda, gets all excited because she thinks that because she's teacher's pet, Garg wants to do her.  Which is probably true.  But since he's a giant, molesting, statutory rapist perv, he probably wants to do all the girls in his class.  Including David.

And then AHHHHHNdrea gets her granny-panties in a twist and is all scandalized that Brenda apparently wants to date Garg (even though AHHHHHHNdrea will actually date, i.e. give a handy to, Garg, and continue to date [and marry] the Old & Inappropriate for the remainder of her time on the show), but much like Jackie with Mel, Brenda has apparently suffered a traumatic brain injury, seeing as she goes onto describe Garg thusly:  "He's creative.  He's articulate.  He's intelligent.  And he looks pretty good in faded jeans."  There's not enough vomit in my stomach or the world for me to forcefully eject out of my person after hearing that one.  So please.  Let's just move on.