Season 1; Ep. 19 - April Is The Cruelest Month: I Would Say July Is The Cruelest Month. Since That's The Month I Had To Recap This Crap-Ass Episode.

In which I desperately try to not to call Matthew Perry's "Roger Azarian" character any variation of "Chandler Bing," up to and including "Ms. Chanandler Bong" or "The Chan-Chan Man." ALL THE MONEY says that I fail miserably. Also: Donna is outed as a complete moron, which will continue to be proven in the coming seasons by her choice in men, e.g. David, Ray, David, Cliff, David, Noah, David, Wayne, Noah, David. DAVID X INFINITY. Anyway, full steam ahead.

We open with 17 hours of this. Chandler Bing...crap. Well, if not "Chandler," can I refer to him as "Sandy," Carol's boyfriend who dies of complications from a death blow he receives as a result of getting into a car accident while driving drunk on A Very Special Growing Pains?

No? (Also: WHY DIDN'T BRANDON  "Pull a Sandy" AND DIE AFTER GETTING INTO HIS DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT??? GOD.) Okay. How about I refer to him as "Roger Not Azarian," his character from Dance 'Til Dawn?

No?!? C'MON, PEOPLE! IT'S THE SAME FIRST NAME. Whatever. Also: this was one of my very favorite, favorite, FAVE.OR.ITE. movies as a kid. It basically starred EVERYONE EVER. Meaning: Alyssa "Samantha Micelli" Milano, Alan "Dr. Seaver" Thicke, Tracey "Carol Seaver" Gold, Kelsey "Frasier" Grammar, Tempest "Vanessa Huxtable" Bledsoe, Christina "Kelly Bundy" Applegate, Brian "A Lot Of Things" Bloom, and Edie "Ed Rooney's Secretary" McClurg. See? EVERYONE. I loved it so. This, and Camp Cucamonga... 

...which basically starred EVERYONE EVER Who Didn't Turn Up In Dance 'Til Dawn. Meaning: Jennifer "The Rachel" Aniston, John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger, Chad "Our House" Allen, Richard "Wilhelm from Seinfeld" Herd, Candace "Donna Joe Tanner" Cameron, Danica "Winnie Cooper" McKellar, Breckin "Travis Birkenstock" Meyer, Josh "Paul Pfeiffer" Saviano, Sherman "Weezy's Husband" Hemsley, G. Gordon "Watergate" Liddy (!), and Jaleel "Did I Do That?" White. Weren't the late-80s/early-90s just like, THE BEST as far as entertainment? No, you say? It was a heap of feces-covered refuse? Because of programming such as Dance 'Til Dawn and Camp Cucamonga? I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN.

Season 1; Ep. 18 - It's Only A Test: Of My Patience. Get It? No? Whatever. I Don't Have The Energy. Enjoy This Soul-Sucking Episode. That's All I Got.

In which...whatever. This thing took me FOR.EV.ER. to finish. Obviously. But THANK ALL THE HEAVENS, it's just this one, and then four more, and then WE'RE DONE WITH EXECRABLE SEASON 1. And then we get to the kind-of-crummy Season 2 Summer episodes. And then some not-so-great, ACTUAL Junior-year episodes. So, okay. Like, MANY MORE EPISODES TO GO BEFORE THE FAIR-TO-MIDDLING PART OF SEASON 2. But I mean, there are still moments of "good" to come in Season 1; things like...Matthew Perry's performance as Rich Kid Mental Patient Roger Azarian? Except that that's more "unintentionally hilarious" than anything. And...I guess like, Brenda and Dylan Doing The It on the night of the Spring Dance? So fine, they're few and far between. But we're going to wade through the remaining crud together. Crud like this one. Where Brenda might have breast cancer. But totally doesn't. And Loathsome Steve and Equally As Loathsome AHHHHHHHNdrea kiss. And then an entire nation contemplates becoming Amish and throwing their televisions into the nearest dumpster. So, let's just...limp towards the finish line, okay? Hit it.

We open on these two jerks. Who have apparently become big fans of earth-tone-colored clothing of late, since THAT'S ALL THEY EVER SEEM TO WEAR. It's gross. Not that some of the Sinbadian shirts Steve wears in the coming years will be anything to celebrate. It's called Somewhere In The Middle, Steve. You should take a visit there sometime. ANYhow, Steve's going on and on about some "Alfred B. Cook" course that he's taking to prep for the upcoming SATs. Brandon's all, "You can't study for the SATs," and Steve shows him some brochure deal, and says, "They offer this special accelerator crash course, okay? I'm only thinking of you, buddy. You know what they say: Alfred B. Cook or You B. Fried," and I think this is the fastest that I've ever begun to hate Steve in an episode. So Brandon's all, "It's $500!" and because Steve is lacking in EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD except for money, he says, "So?" And THANK GOD Brandon's there to tell this shitsicle, "Forget it. You can't make up for 16 years of of ignorance in one week," and Steve continues sucking all, "Yeah, well that's true. But it's incredible what you can do in one month." WHATEVER.

Also: WHAT IN MATTED LABRADOODLE PELT HELL is going on on top of Steve's head? Like, if I were Ian Ziering, I would've sued the hair people who worked on 90210 for emotional distress for making me look goddamn HIDEOUS week after week, for years and years. I've mentioned before that the erstwhile Steve SAUNders is actually a pretty handsome dude (EXCEPT NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE CHIPPENDALES). I just...I think they really could've done a better job on his hair than...whatever this is. And we haven't even gotten to his Ultimate Mullet Phase, which is infinitely worse, if you can even imagine that being possible. So anyway. Moving on.

Brandon luckily ditches Steve and heads into the Blaze office, where he unfortunately has to deal with AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's chewing on a pencil. Brandon is rightly grossed out by this all, "You know, I've wondered who's been masticating all the pencils around here," and AHHHHHHNdrea starts to get all suspicious with, "'Masticating'? Why did you use that word?" and Brandon doesn't catch on and says, "Because every time I turn around to grab a new pencil it's like, uch! Teeth marks," which was actually fairly funny.

GADS. Speaking of shitty hair. ANYway, AHHHHHHHHNdrea goes off, all, "Yeah, but you could've said chewed; I mean, 'masticating' is the kind of word they use on the SATs, the kind of word that you learn at one of those expensive SAT prep courses," and Brandon mentions Alfred B. Cook and AHHHHHHHHNdrea turns ALL accusatory, "I knew you were taking one of those prep courses! Let me just tell you something, Brandon, okay? That puts you at an unfair advantage over those people who cannot afford those expensive courses," meaning unseemly people who live in The Valley. And then Brandon basically gives her the same speech that he gave to Steve: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your fire, AHHHHHNdrea. First of all, I'm not taking one of those courses, Steve is. And second of all, I don't think they work. The SATs are designed to test you on stuff you already know, you can't cram for them."

And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea LOSES IT (her shit, that is) and says, "Then again, maybe you can! Maybe, just maybe there is some kind of system! Brandon, I am so bad at standardized testing [YEAH, RIGHT. AHHHHHHHHNdrea's totally one of those goons who ADORES standardized testing], I mean the colleges, they look at them as if they're gospel and I don't know what to do, I mean, this..." and then Brandon literally shakes her out of her babbling psychosis (although I wish a slap would've been involved as well...and possibly a roundhouse kick or two to her ugly combover-hair) and tells her, "Get a grip! We're talking about test you can retake twice if you want to. A test that's..." and then she interrupts with, "Going to determine whether I go to Princeton...or Pacoima." And then Brandon uses his Mad Investigative Journalistic SkillZ and asks if she's been talking to Steve. She says she has; that she "ran into him at my locker." Also: AHHHHHHHNdrea's jacket might be cute on anyone else. ALSO-also: Gabrielle Carteris should've been a co-plantiff in Ian Ziering's imaginary lawsuit against the show's hair styling team.