Sunday, December 8, 2013

Season 1; Episode 22 - Home Again: You'll Most Likely Be Emptying The Contents Of Your EVERYTHING After Witnessing AHHHHHNdrea's Excruciating Seduction Of Brandon. Keep Several Toilets Nearby.

So. Here it is. The final (POINTLESS) episode of Season 1 of Beverly Hills, 90210. Aren’t you like, BEYOND MEGA EXCITED??? No? Not at all? Yeah, me neither. What I really can’t believe is that I’ve been writing these things for a little under a year, and I’ve only NOW just reached the end of this mostly gag-worthy season. Real-life, grown-up people jobs really tend to put a damper on things, don’t they? ANYhow, I kind of like that the end of recapping the first season is sort of coinciding with my first anniversary of living here in LA. It seems fitting. Why? I don’t have any fucking clue. I just thought it sounded profound and meaningful. But I do remember being a girl of 10 and watching this show and becoming absolutely enamored with the idea of residing in Los Angeles. Little did I know that 23 years later I would be here, living the dream. And by “living the dream,” I of course mean, “Dream? What dream? I’m a 33-year-old crap-heap who writes about a show that started airing when I was in the fifth grade. And my LA [THAT’S RIGHT, GLEN, YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE] doesn’t even come close to what is portrayed on the show. Although, my boyfriend does have some pretty righteous sideburns, so, there’s that.” Where was I? Oh, right - this episode. Is lame. On a variety of levels. Enjoy. Or don’t. Whatever.

So we start out with some sweet key-tar music, and this: Steve getting clocked by some trash-mound mutant in the West Bev courtyard. And no one doing anything about it because Steve.

And then of course Brandon “Hero Complex” Walsh has to come up and stop Stripey The Mutant from walloping Steve to death. Because Brandon ruins ALL THE THINGS. And he pansily tells Stripey, “Back off!” Also: there are A LOT aborted-fetus-looking people who attend West Bev, I mean LOOK. 

Cut to these four who are strolling along, and Kelly and Dylan are in matching Steve SAUNders Specials,  which is probably a clever foreshadowing of Kelly’s Abduction Of Dylan’s Penis at the beginning of the third season. And even with my absolute hatred of the Steve SAUNders Special (and of Steve SAUNders The Subhuman), Dylan looks pretty damn dreamboat-y right here. And then Donna spots the fight between Steve and the mongoloid and is all, “You guys, what's going on?” and truly NO ONE CARES.

Cut back over to this 27-year-old shitbag (and Donna in a FABULOUS shirt-dress thing), who really looks like he could be one of the Lesser Cobra Kais. 


And he proceeds to call Steve a wuss, so even though dude looks like he just rolled out of some rundown trailer park on the outskirts of Fontana, we could totally hang.

And then Steve The Panty-Waist is all, “Next time I’m gonna kill you,” which seems unlikely, given that before Brandon broke it up, Steve was being pummeled like the flesh-colored cotton candy-haired little bitch that he is. So Dylan’s all, “Everything alright? You cool?” and even though Steve is the antithesis of cool, Brandon responds with, “He’s fine, he’s fine,” and then he takes Steve for a walk. Also: I’M BORED. CAN WE TALK ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE???

Steve has never looked more like The Greatest American Hero. And he tells Brandon, “He started it, he said something stupid about my mom,” and Brandon can’t believe it, all, “You got into a fight over your mom?” and while I’m not condoning beat downs (yes, yes I am, especially when the person being beaten down is one Steve “Textured Plush” SAUNders), I would think defending your mom’s honor might be pretty important for a guy. But I guess not for Brandon. So basically, someone could come along and inform Brandon that they and a bunch of friends ran a train on Cindy the night before and Brandon would be all, “Meh.” Because Brandon is a poop stain on the underwear of life. And then Steve’s all, “Yeah. It really bugs me when they say she's washed up, alright? Bugs me even more that the jerk was smaller than me,” and then Brandon sucks, some more, again, and says, “Steve, that guy was built like a wide-load truck, man, it could've happened to anyone. Even, probably not me,” even though Brandon could probably be taken down with one slightly overly-gregarious pat on the back. And then Steve laughs and says, “You know what, Walsh? Glad you moved to town,” which you can file under Things Exactly NO ONE Would Say To Anyone EVER In Real Life.