Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 6 - Higher Education: I Really Can't With This

In which Brandon...GOD, YOU GUYS. This one is The Worst, as far as Brandon's ABHORRENT behavior goes. Like, how anyone can even be in the same fucking city as this guy is beyond me. He's a cheater-cheater, pumpkin eater in this one, but manages to play the victim and blame everyone but himself. See? THE WORST. Oh: and Brenda and her bag-of-shit hair and Dylan FINALLY flirt it up and act adorable and SQUEEE! This is the Old Person's Old Timey version of that Twilight Abortion Of A Relationship. KICK IT. 

We start off at Not Famous Original Peach Pit. That sign is...tacky as fuck. GOD, NAT. What, do you live in The Valley or something???

SIGH. So Brandon's working...

...and studying. Which seems really professional. FIRE HIM, NAT. FIRE HIM NOW. 

Brandon spots Mr. Danzel, his history teacher, who gives the little puke this AWESOME look of indifference. 

Brandon is saddened because he was expecting Mr. D. to, like, eat his dick and tell him that he's The Best Student EVER. Sucks to be you, Minnesota. And way to attempt to talk yourself up to the guy, all "I'm like, totes great at history. I should be teaching the class instead of you, Old Timer." 

So then Brandon runs to tell on Mr. D. to Nat, who soothes Brandon's ego by telling him that Danzel, a regular, is an asshole or something. HA. The elderly are The Worst. Also: nice matching shirts, douches. 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 5 - One On One: Brandon Sucks. Again.

In which Brandon overcomes his dwarfism and becomes Air Walsh...but only in his mind. And Jim's mind. And no one else's. 

(Also, let me preface this one by saying GOOD GOD WHO CARES? This episode and the next one, “Higher Education” are like, worthless. Mostly because they’re All About Brandon. And they’re boring. But mostly because they’re centered around Brandon. Also: I hate him. Let’s rock a bitch.)

Ugh. Here we go. Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh and Brandon are shooting “hoops." Thank godfully, Jim remains shirted for this entire episode. 

Jim: "My son is awesome. I clearly love him more than my daughter."

Brandon: "I am just going to stand here in my probably-hideous shirt with this lame shit-eating grin on my face. I am so great at sports. That will be rammed down the viewing audience's throats for the next 9 seasons, even though I’m clearly 3’7”."

Jim: "I tried to ram my back of fur down the viewing audience's throats in the last episode, but then millions of people went blind after they attempted to wash their eyes out with rocks, so I was mandated by FOX to wear a sleeved shirt forever and ever, amen. But I’m still disgusting because of my sweaty fucking pits. I am truly awful."

Brandon: "I’m not. I’m AWESOME. I can’t wait to try out for the West Bev basketball team and then get all racist about the black players. Also: yes, I was right – this shirt IS hideous."

"I look…okay here. But I have a feeling it’s about to get really bad. Also, Brandon, because you are fucking selfish and needing to prove your worth to our father, we are going to be late for school."

Cindy: "Just call me The Constant Gardener. Because THAT’S ALL I EVER FUCKING DO THIS SEASON, other than have my Almost Affair. And walk in on Jackie doing bumps in the bathroom at the Bel Age Hotel before the West Bev fashion show. And look bad. You'll see."

Brenda: "You can kind of see my patchwork maxi skirt here. It’s…not good. Also, Brandon’s a prick and won’t get me to school on time. I was a stickler for attendance in Season 1."

"I apparently ate the hair and makeup person’s first born because I look truly horrific here.”

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 4 - The First Time: Keep Your Clorox Eyewash Readily Available.

In which, BARF, Brandon cashes in his V-card. Yes. This is happening. And Brenda has really awful hair and gets all dreamy about her not-at-all attractive teacher who ALSO has really awful hair. SEASON 2??? ARE YOU ALMOST HERE?

So we start off with this. Yeah. I’m not too pleased about it, either. Brenda looks cute and normal. Brandon, in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation to his ball sack, exposits for the viewing audience that it’s November and it’s mother-fucking hot. 

He looks all kinds of Chad Michael Murray here, which makes me hate him even more. 

Yeah. Fucking gross. 

Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh: "Hey, douche, you have a phone call. From your crazy-eyed Minnesota girlfriend who ain’t all that. You will totally be able to have sex in the house, but when Brenda has sex with her long-term, HOT boyfriend at the end of the season, I’m going to flip my shit. Because, as previously discussed, I am a fucking prick with a double-standard. Here’s the phone!"

Then Brandon’s about to bust out a New Kids on the Block move, all “Right Stuff” style. The rest of the family is really nosy for some reason, because WHO CARES. 

It is decided that Crazy Eyes is coming to town. Brandon kicks it Opening Credits Style and finds Jim and Cindy eavesdropping. 

Brenda was as well, and looks way too happy about the fact that her brother is going to get laid. 

Season 1; Ep. 3 - Every Dream Has Its Price: Everyone In LA Is Trashy.

In which Brenda learns about trashy rich people (no, not Kelly); Brandon learns about unfair wages and slave labor…which he promptly forgets about once Dylan gets him a job at The Peach Pit; and Cindy makes a friend in her maid who can’t speak English but will be fluent a couple of episodes down the line. Also: NO ONE CARES. Let’s rock this bitch…

Brenda, having just watched a Very Special Episode of Blossom and feeling inspired. 

Brandon, being a turd and goading Brenda about Cindy not allowing Brenda to go on a horseback (?) ride or some shit. Whatever. Shut up, Brandon. 

Brandon: "[Smug and annoying.]"

Brenda: "Four more years of your fucking face and then I’m Audi 5000."

Cindy denies Brenda her dream of riding a horse because of the money…

…and Brenda and her slightly better bangs get all huffy. 

Brandon of course comes out of the house to be all patronizing and ass-kissy in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation in his balls. Brenda hates Brandon and borrowed her blazer from Shaq. 

Season 1; Ep. 2 - The Green Room: FINALLY. GOD.

In which Brandon sucks. As usual. But maybe not as much because DYLAN. Let's rock this. 

"So this is happening. But! Just wait for it..."


And then this trashy girl shows up. From 1989. 

But it was all a lame dream. To match Brandon’s lame personality. 

And then Brenda shows up with terrible bangs, and is all like, "Get a move on it, No More Mullet."

Setting: The Actual Walsh House (which will BE MINE SOMEDAY). And: The Actual Mondale in the driveway. 

Brenda: "[talking about kiwi? I…don’t know. California has fresh fruit!]"

Cindy and Her Bad Perm are on the phone with Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh, who's in Minnesota doing...something that accountants do. I can't wait for Cindy to have her Almost Affair.

Brandon needs to work on that…swoopiness in the front, there. Unfortunately, we won’t have Perfect Brandon Hair until the Summer of Deception. He also needs to work on wiping that smug look off of his face. WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND. But as we know, HE NEVER WILL.

Season 1; Ep. 1 - Pilot Episode: The Mullet That Ate Tokyo...

And so it begins. Let's do this.

“Hey, y’all. I seriously have the worst hair of anyone in this pilot. And that includes Cindy’s white-trashy, grown out perm and Steve’s Proto-Mullet wiglet."

“My hair’s not TOO bad…I will be cutting some really short bangs soon, which will start out as a freak show but eventually grow into The Most Awesome Hair-Do On Television, Past or Present. So, I’m cool. I just need to get through Season 1. Also, I really look like I did on Our House."


“I…look the same as every other season. Also, like Jay Sherman from The Critic."


“My hair is a nightmare. Those long, cold, Minnesota winters sure did my coif no favors.”

Cindy: "I kind of see what you were going for here, Bren, but…no. Just…no."

Brenda: "Well, MOTHER, at least my hair doesn’t look like THAT. Yours is straight out of a trailer park. Real Talk. But not as bad as Brandon’s duck-tailed horror show. NOTHING’S as bad as that."

“My dress would be way-awesome if the waist was about 4 inches higher…and it was about 4 sizes smaller.”

“Should I…braid that back there? Maybe throw on a couple of Theo Huxtable beads at the ends?”

“My jeans are…revealing.”

“My shirt? Not bad. Pants? Are giving me a yeast infection. Hair? Needs some VO5.” 

Brandon: "Why did you change, Bren?"

Brenda: "Because I, too, wanted to experience a yeast infection. And I didn’t want you to have to be the only Walsh walking around West Bev, looking like a tool."