In which Brandon...GOD, YOU GUYS. This one is The Worst, as far as Brandon's ABHORRENT behavior goes. Like, how anyone can even be in the same fucking city as this guy is beyond me. He's a cheater-cheater, pumpkin eater in this one, but manages to play the victim and blame everyone but himself. See? THE WORST. Oh: and Brenda and her bag-of-shit hair and Dylan FINALLY flirt it up and act adorable and SQUEEE! This is the Old Person's Old Timey version of that Twilight Abortion Of A Relationship. KICK IT.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
In which Brandon overcomes his dwarfism and becomes Air Walsh...but only in his mind. And Jim's mind. And no one else's.
(Also, let me preface this one by saying GOOD GOD WHO CARES? This episode and the next one, “Higher Education” are like, worthless. Mostly because they’re All About Brandon. And they’re boring. But mostly because they’re centered around Brandon. Also: I hate him. Let’s rock a bitch.)
Ugh. Here we go. Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh and Brandon are shooting “hoops." Thank godfully, Jim remains shirted for this entire episode.
Brandon: "I am just going to stand here in my probably-hideous shirt with this lame shit-eating grin on my face. I am so great at sports. That will be rammed down the viewing audience's throats for the next 9 seasons, even though I’m clearly 3’7”."
Jim: "I tried to ram my back of fur down the viewing audience's throats in the last episode, but then millions of people went blind after they attempted to wash their eyes out with rocks, so I was mandated by FOX to wear a sleeved shirt forever and ever, amen. But I’m still disgusting because of my sweaty fucking pits. I am truly awful."
Brandon: "I’m not. I’m AWESOME. I can’t wait to try out for the West Bev basketball team and then get all racist about the black players. Also: yes, I was right – this shirt IS hideous."
"I look…okay here. But I have a feeling it’s about to get really bad. Also, Brandon, because you are fucking selfish and needing to prove your worth to our father, we are going to be late for school."
Cindy: "Just call me The Constant Gardener. Because THAT’S ALL I EVER FUCKING DO THIS SEASON, other than have my Almost Affair. And walk in on Jackie doing bumps in the bathroom at the Bel Age Hotel before the West Bev fashion show. And look bad. You'll see."
Brenda: "You can kind of see my patchwork maxi skirt here. It’s…not good. Also, Brandon’s a prick and won’t get me to school on time. I was a stickler for attendance in Season 1."
Thursday, January 24, 2013
In which, BARF, Brandon cashes in his V-card. Yes. This is happening. And Brenda has really awful hair and gets all dreamy about her not-at-all attractive teacher who ALSO has really awful hair. SEASON 2??? ARE YOU ALMOST HERE?
So we start off with this. Yeah. I’m not too pleased about it, either. Brenda looks cute and normal. Brandon, in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation to his ball sack, exposits for the viewing audience that it’s November and it’s mother-fucking hot.
Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh: "Hey, douche, you have a phone call. From your crazy-eyed Minnesota girlfriend who ain’t all that. You will totally be able to have sex in the house, but when Brenda has sex with her long-term, HOT boyfriend at the end of the season, I’m going to flip my shit. Because, as previously discussed, I am a fucking prick with a double-standard. Here’s the phone!"
Then Brandon’s about to bust out a New Kids on the Block move, all “Right Stuff” style. The rest of the family is really nosy for some reason, because WHO CARES.
It is decided that Crazy Eyes is coming to town. Brandon kicks it Opening Credits Style and finds Jim and Cindy eavesdropping.
In which Brenda learns about trashy rich people (no, not Kelly); Brandon learns about unfair wages and slave labor…which he promptly forgets about once Dylan gets him a job at The Peach Pit; and Cindy makes a friend in her maid who can’t speak English but will be fluent a couple of episodes down the line. Also: NO ONE CARES. Let’s rock this bitch…
Brandon, being a turd and goading Brenda about Cindy not allowing Brenda to go on a horseback (?) ride or some shit. Whatever. Shut up, Brandon.
Brenda: "Four more years of your fucking face and then I’m Audi 5000."
Brandon of course comes out of the house to be all patronizing and ass-kissy in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation in his balls. Brenda hates Brandon and borrowed her blazer from Shaq.
In which Brandon sucks. As usual. But maybe not as much because DYLAN. Let's rock this.
And so it begins. Let's do this.
“Hey, y’all. I seriously have the worst hair of anyone in this pilot. And that includes Cindy’s white-trashy, grown out perm and Steve’s Proto-Mullet wiglet."
“My hair’s not TOO bad…I will be cutting some really short bangs soon, which will start out as a freak show but eventually grow into The Most Awesome Hair-Do On Television, Past or Present. So, I’m cool. I just need to get through Season 1. Also, I really look like I did on Our House."
Brenda: "Well, MOTHER, at least my hair doesn’t look like THAT. Yours is straight out of a trailer park. Real Talk. But not as bad as Brandon’s duck-tailed horror show. NOTHING’S as bad as that."
Brenda: "Because I, too, wanted to experience a yeast infection. And I didn’t want you to have to be the only Walsh walking around West Bev, looking like a tool."