Season 1; Ep. 3 - Every Dream Has Its Price: Everyone In LA Is Trashy.

In which Brenda learns about trashy rich people (no, not Kelly); Brandon learns about unfair wages and slave labor…which he promptly forgets about once Dylan gets him a job at The Peach Pit; and Cindy makes a friend in her maid who can’t speak English but will be fluent a couple of episodes down the line. Also: NO ONE CARES. Let’s rock this bitch…

Brenda, having just watched a Very Special Episode of Blossom and feeling inspired. 

Brandon, being a turd and goading Brenda about Cindy not allowing Brenda to go on a horseback (?) ride or some shit. Whatever. Shut up, Brandon. 

Brandon: "[Smug and annoying.]"

Brenda: "Four more years of your fucking face and then I’m Audi 5000."

Cindy denies Brenda her dream of riding a horse because of the money…

…and Brenda and her slightly better bangs get all huffy. 

Brandon of course comes out of the house to be all patronizing and ass-kissy in his Jordache jeans that are cutting off the circulation in his balls. Brenda hates Brandon and borrowed her blazer from Shaq. 

The Wonder Twins head off to school and then…this Horrible Stereotype shows up. Dig on the cacti on the lapels and pocket of her shirt. She apparently just got done with her shift at fucking Garcias. 

Cindy: "I am confused and the waist of my pants is pressing on my sternum; also, we don’t see many…*Mexicans* in Minnesota…I’m sorry – is *Mexican* offensive?"

Anna (who we’ll just call, like, Margarita Enchilada Guadalupe The Second, since that was probably the writers' first inclination, given the state of this poor woman’s outfit): "This 'Espanol, ole' schtick is going to get really grating in about five minutes, so I’m glad that within a few episodes I’ll be speaking English fluently."

Kelly: "Trashy Rich Girl? I’m glad we’re all BFF, even though you haven’t been mentioned before this episode, nor will you be mentioned EVER AGAIN after this episode."

Trashy Rich Girl (henceforth known as Tiffany for that is this garbage person’s name): "Whatever. I’m just glad that I also watched the Very Special Episode of Blossom last night, starring the guy who you’ll think you got AIDS from in a freak lettuce-chopping accident in Season 7."

"I’m super Jello of the relationship between Kelly and that garbage person Tiffany. I should try to make her like me, even though she’s a trashy rich girl and will inevitably fuck me over."

Tiffany: "I’m trashy and rich. I’m also a girl. And kind of a garbage person."

Kelly: "Yes. Yes you are. I kind of am all of those things, too."

Brenda: "Where did that garbage person Tiffany come from? She’s trashy. And rich."

Knowing Rando Girl: "Well, Tiffany’s even more of a garbage person than you ever imagined because she stole STEVE away from Kelly! Gross, right? Like, WHO THE FUCK IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD STEAL STEVE? FROM ANYTHING? Also, Kelly apparently took notes from that whole ordeal with Tiffany, because she will eventually pull the same shit with you and Dylan. ENJOY."

NO ONE CARES. Cindy’s frustrated because Margarita is cleaning her house and can’t understand English and won’t leave. So Cindy calls INS. 

Not really. She actually calls Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh who’s all “Can’t you be appreciative of anything, you fucking harpie? I got her for you! Is it time for your Almost Affair with Creepy Photographer Glen yet?” 

Time for English class and Les Miserables. Just two trashy rich girls, bein’ trashy. 

Brenda’s jealous because…? I…don’t know. Then she says something about the book (never read it, so…whatever). 

Then the teacher (who’s also the newspaper advisor, whatever) and her Westminster Dog show poodle perm is all proud or something. And then Tiffany says something profound…and trashy. 

End of class. Kelly, her way-trashy doily top and her LV bag head out with Tiffany. 

Tiffany: "Did you fart? It really smells like you farted."

Brenda: "Whatever, garbage person. Whoever smelt it first, dealt it first. Can I come with???"

Knowing Rando Girl: "I might be cute?"

Brenda: "Shaq’s XXXXXXXXXXL blazer looks way dope on me, right?"

Kelly: "I stole these slouchy socks from Steve when we were together. He has drawers and drawers full of them. Also, he’s 41."

Tiffany: "I am way-garbagey, but these boots are kind of rad." 

Tiffany: "Hey, Bren! Since I’m super-shady and a total garbage person, let’s go shopping together. We can drop by Shaq’s house and give him his blazer back along the way. Also: don’t worry; I totally won’t shoplift and then eventually frame you for the crime. Also - have I mentioned it’s Opposite Day?"

Brenda: "DUR, I’m just a yokel from Minnesota, whatever you say, Shady Garbage Person."

Blah, blah, frumpy, blah. And then THIS happens. Brandon’s looking for a job, smugly, and AHHHHHHHNdrea is…insufferable. Seriously, does ANY LIVING BREATHING CREATURE care about Brandon and his quest to find employment in LA? I’m RIGHT NOW trying to get a job in LA and I couldn’t give two fucks. We all know he’s going to end up at The Peach Pit, right? Right. Moving along. 

This montage is kind of hilarious, however. Brandon and his bad hair apparently applied at a florist…

…and then EVERYWHERE IN LA. Well, west side, anyway. East side? Ew. 

He even has a list – Brandon is tré organized, you guys! Must be from all that "investigative journalism."

Twenty-Seven-Hour-Too-Long-Story-Short, he eventually gets a job at some chi-chi restaurant, run by Melissa Manchester In A Hat. Oh, and also: NO ONE CARES. 

Shopping. Kelly doesn't think any of these shirts are trashy enough. 

And then this very, very strange moment happens. I…don’t know. Also, WHO CARES?

The World: "NO ONE." 

I think this is actually the part where Knowing Rando Girl fills Brenda in on the Steve-Stealing. Whatever. Also, I just realized that this is the wheelchair-bound charity case that teaches Zack that The Disabled Are People, Too, on A Very Special Episode of Saved By The Bell. 

See? 

ANYway, they all try on clothes. Hideous ones. And talk about Les Misrables. Because they’re like, deep. Or whatever.

Tiffany then stuffs the unpaid-for loot in a bag. This must’ve been the antiquated era before security tags were invented. Also, dinosaurs roamed the earth and women couldn’t vote. Ahh, 1990. 

More super-stealth thieving. 

And then more Mexican Maid shenanigans. Cindy’s wearing proto-Crocs! And Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead  Scott Scanlon’s Lakers hat. Maybe he preemptively willed it to her. 

Trying-On-Outfits Montage. BRENDA. PUT DOWN THAT ABORTION OF A DRESS. God, I mean. Really. I can’t wait until Season 2 when her wardrobe starts being enviable instead of…this. 

She ends up in…this. She must’ve swapped Shaq’s navy blazer for his camel-colored one. 

(GOD. FINALLY.)

Steve: "I’m 41. The sleeves on this polo are ridiculously long. Also, I don’t abide by the 'no white after Labor Day' rule. Obviously."

Brandon: "This Mock Turtleneck is really going to get the ladies wet. In their vaginas. Amiright, D?"

Dylan: "Whatever. I can’t wait for my sideburns to grow out and for me to perfect my pomp so that I’m really dreamy. Also, I haven’t been in this episode nearly enough."

Brenda kicks it Opening Credits Style and shakes out her awful bangs. 

The Trash Twins arrive to class. In complimentary sheer ensems. Also: no one cares. 

Cindy: "I’M JUST GOING TO TALK REALLY LOUDLY, AS PEOPLE OFTEN DO WHEN THEY’RE CONFRONTED WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE."

Margarita: "Whatever, foolio. Your hair and waistline are atrocious."  

David: "[Doing creepy squats while stalking Kelly.]"

Brenda: "I’m starting to look as dowdy as AHHHHHNdrea."

Tiffany: "My locker is pretty garbage-y, too."

Kelly: "[About to kick it, opening credits style.]"

"[Sort of.]"

Then Tiffany, the garbage person, attention whore that she is...

...does this. 

And then Kelly, being the back-stabbing gossip that SHE is, talks shit on Tiffany. Rightfully so, however. 

Brenda: "Everyone’s going horseback riding. Shouldn’t you join them?"

Tiffany: "Nah. Let’s go back to your house so I can stash my stolen goods in your closet and frame you for shoplifting. I’m a piece of garbage like that."

Brenda: "[Desperate to fit in and fucking stupid.] Ok!"

Cindy: "WE ARE REALLY GETTING THIS PLACE SPIC (OOPS, THAT WAS OFFENSIVE) AND SPAN. ALSO, GRAH-SEE-AHS."

Margarita: "Whatever. This storyline is so boring and stupid."

Brenda: "Let’s go to my room."

Tiffany: "Which one’s the help? Also, I’m ALSO a Poor Little Rich Girl and my parents are never around and GET A NEW FUCKING ANGLE, SHOW."

Tiffany’s all judge-y about Brenda’s homey room, and then punishes her for it by going into her closet and doing this. Also - Tiffany’s…flower-scrunchie afterbirth is the definition of Hell on Earth. 

Brandon: "Sorry I’m 15 minutes early in my pre-Old Navy cargo pants. I am a gigantic tool. On many levels."

Melissa Manchester: "Yes, yes you are. And I’m wearing lingerie because this is LA and I’m 'hip' and 'edgy'." 

Something about cumin. NOBODY CARES. 

SHOPLIFTING TIME. Let’s get busy!

Brandon: "HOW DID I GET HIRED HERE? MY HAIR IS A FUCKING BAG OF SHIT."

Sous Chef: "I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure you’re about to get all self-righteous-y, right? Yup, that’s what I thought." 

Thievery in progress. Brenda’s a dumbass. 

So’s Tiffany. She’s also a complete garbage person. 

Carmen San Diego lays the smack down, and hauls the two idiots to a back room. 

Jim: "Let’s fuck."

Cindy: "No, not until I have my Almost Affair with Creepy Photographer Glen and then realize what I might lose."

Carmen San Diego: "I have to go solve some more mysteries."

Brenda: "My hair looks pretty good here."

Tiffany: "I am straight up garbage."

Brenda: "Yup, never talk to me again."

Tiffany: "Whatevs. We’ll be out of here in no time. I know this because this has happened to me before because I am a garbage person." 

Brandon comes home and acts like a pussy, per usual. JIM’S WARDROBE NEVER CHANGES.

Don’t look too happy, Jimbo! You’re about to be very disappointed in your daughter…as you will continue to be, unfairly, for the remainder of her time on the series. Because you’re kind of a fucking prick who very obviously favors your son. 

Tiffany basically offers the store manager a beej if he lets them off. Because he has horrible hair, he accepts. 

Cindy’s MAD. Like, her hair gets even bushier MAD. Jim’s obviously playing “good cop."

Jim: "Carly’s mom totes had this track suit in the early-90s. And Carly used to steal the jacket. Like, A LOT. More than she’s willing to admit."

Cindy: "Yeah, that’s gross. Doesn’t MY shirt look like Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon’s? But it’s not! Just showing some home-state pride. I can’t wait until the entire Walsh family is off of the show and the word 'Minnesota' will never be uttered again." 

Margarita brings some enchiladas for dinner. 

Cindy’s all put off, like, I thought you were making nice with her you stupid bitch! GOD. Get a fucking VO5 hot oil treatment. 

"I’m fucking hot. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing seven layers of sweatshirts."

"I’m just lounging in this way cute polka-dot cardigan? Robe? Whatever. It’s adorable. And, once again, I’m kicking it Opening Credits Style. There are certainly a lot of those in this episode."

The Wonder Twins + Brandon’s Vest have a heart-to-heart. 

Margarita does laundry, and then basically (unknowingly) rats Brenda out. GOD, MARGARITA. Go back to Mexico! 

Cindy: "I am disappointed, thief. And my hair is truly a monstrosity."

Brenda: "I know. It is. But I’m not a thief. And my shirt(s) makes no sense." 

It’s been hard for both of them, readjusting to the wilds of Beverly Hills. Cindy has no friends…except for, you know, MARGARITA, but Cindy just wants her to be deported. 

Brandon. Work. No one cares. WHERE’S DYLAN. 

Basically, this guy gives Brandon the 4-1-1 on slave labor. 

“AHAHAHAHA!” 

Brenda: "Tiffany, you’re a garbage person. Also: why do you have scantily-clad men just sunning themselves around your pool?"

Tiffany: "Don’t know. Don’t care. I’m just a Poor Little Rich Girl whose parents are also garbage people, and NO ONE CARES."

Dylan: "THANK GOD I’M HERE."

Brandon: "No shit. You did NOT get enough screen time these first few episodes. When are you and Brenda going to start hate-loving each other? Bring on the dramzzzz!"

Dylan: "Right? I can’t just keep making momentary appearances in my Angela Chase overalls."

Brandon: "I quit!"

Melissa Manchester: "I don’t care."

THE ENTIRE WORLD: "NEITHER DO WE."

So then this happens. Whatever. We all did it. Don’t front. 

OHMYGOODGOD, LOOK WHO IT IS.

Nat: "I will always look the same. And I will never have much to do around here besides refill coffee. My heart attack storyline will be semi-interesting, if only because this one over here will buy out the Peach Pit, right before he gets swindled for all of his millions and then turn into a sad-sack heroin addict. And the whole Joanie arc will be kind of sweet. But really, I should TOTES take my cue to exit when the Walshes do. Because, NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE ADULTS ON THIS SHOW."

So then Nat gives Brandon the job, solely based on Dylan’s word. And then these dorks go have a threesome because that’s what all of their faces are saying they want to do. 

So then Garbage Person Tiffany and her Scrunchie That Ate Manhattan show up at the Walsh house to apologize and take the blame or something. Whatever. I have absolutely zero fucks left to give about this story line. 

Brenda overhears Tiffany’s admission of being a garbage person. Whatever. 

Later in the kitchen, no one cares some more. Everything’s hunky-dory. Whatever. 

Then Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh comes in, looking like he always does, and they kick it Opening Credits Style ONCE AGAIN. The end.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.