Season 1; Ep. 5 - One On One: Brandon Sucks. Again.

In which Brandon overcomes his dwarfism and becomes Air Walsh...but only in his mind. And Jim's mind. And no one else's. 

(Also, let me preface this one by saying GOOD GOD WHO CARES? This episode and the next one, “Higher Education” are like, worthless. Mostly because they’re All About Brandon. And they’re boring. But mostly because they’re centered around Brandon. Also: I hate him. Let’s rock a bitch.)

Ugh. Here we go. Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh and Brandon are shooting “hoops." Thank godfully, Jim remains shirted for this entire episode. 

Jim: "My son is awesome. I clearly love him more than my daughter."

Brandon: "I am just going to stand here in my probably-hideous shirt with this lame shit-eating grin on my face. I am so great at sports. That will be rammed down the viewing audience's throats for the next 9 seasons, even though I’m clearly 3’7”."

Jim: "I tried to ram my back of fur down the viewing audience's throats in the last episode, but then millions of people went blind after they attempted to wash their eyes out with rocks, so I was mandated by FOX to wear a sleeved shirt forever and ever, amen. But I’m still disgusting because of my sweaty fucking pits. I am truly awful."

Brandon: "I’m not. I’m AWESOME. I can’t wait to try out for the West Bev basketball team and then get all racist about the black players. Also: yes, I was right – this shirt IS hideous."

"I look…okay here. But I have a feeling it’s about to get really bad. Also, Brandon, because you are fucking selfish and needing to prove your worth to our father, we are going to be late for school."

Cindy: "Just call me The Constant Gardener. Because THAT’S ALL I EVER FUCKING DO THIS SEASON, other than have my Almost Affair. And walk in on Jackie doing bumps in the bathroom at the Bel Age Hotel before the West Bev fashion show. And look bad. You'll see."

Brenda: "You can kind of see my patchwork maxi skirt here. It’s…not good. Also, Brandon’s a prick and won’t get me to school on time. I was a stickler for attendance in Season 1."

"I apparently ate the hair and makeup person’s first born because I look truly horrific here.”

"Hey! Look! It’s my Incredulous Jackass face! You will see this SO MANY MORE TIMES IN THE COMING YEARS. I am truly a shitbag."

"Yes, yes you are. And let me demonstrate how I would like to slap you about the head and neck.”

Kelly: "This jumper’s actually cute, if not a little dated. My hair looks great."

Donna: "Facially, I kind of look like pre-op Heidi Montag here, which is horrible. The shoulder pads on this thing are comical, and this pearl necklace is…meh. I’m mostly just happy because I actually got to speak."

AHHHHHNdrea: "I don’t do menswear nearly as well as Brenda will next season. Like, this is kind of a joke. And this also kind of looks like another one of those collar-attached-to-a-sweatshirt things I’m so fond of. WITH A TIE. I am just gross."

Brandon: "Whatever, I’m not listening to you. I’m just thinking about my career as the shortest basketball player in the history of the NBA."

“Um, you’re a midget…BUT LOVE ME. PLEASE LOVE ME. WE CAN HAVE GROSS, INSUFFERABLE PEOPLE SEX TOGETHER. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

Tryouts. No one cares. Like, really. Steve is 41, wearing a Lakers jersey to let us know that they’re in LA and Brandon looks like he has the squirts on an invisible toilet. Did I mention NO ONE CARES? God, I hate this season. 

Steve: "[Grandstanding; being 41.]"

Brandon: "[Looking for someone to blame when he doesn’t make the team.]"

Then this happens…but not really. I am obsessed with Shannen Doherty’s eyebrows, y’all. 

Whoops. Just daydreaming in driver’s ed. Also: that is A LOT of skirt. 

Brenda lets Mr. Driver's Ed know that she failed her previous twenty-nine drivers tests or some shit. AND NO ONE CARES. Then he offers to give her driving lessons or something…so that he can make a pass at her. No, not really. But at least that would be slightly more interesting than an episode revolving around driver’s ed and goddamn basketball tryouts. 

Hoop Dreams. Steve, in his way-lame purple and yellow scrimmage jersey really thinks he’s a Laker. He’s also 41. 

Then Brandon gets called into play and no one cares some more. Seriously, you guys? Can I just tell you that Brandon is afraid he's going to make, like, the F team, and then gets all self-righteous about one of the black kids who has Pulled A Zuckerman and lives out of district and everyone knows the story line, right? I mean, we’ve all seen these episodes, correct? Probably when they initially aired because WE’RE ANCIENT. ANYWAY. 

PUKE. Wipe that face off your head, you conceited little fuck. There’s not even any good outfits to snark on in this episode. Gah. 

Brenda then drives with Mr. Beardo around the parking lot. Because this makes for really good TV.

Brandon makes the team, Steve doesn’t…

…which causes Steve to make this face. Also: Steve, WE GET IT – YOU LIVE IN LA. YOU LOVE THE LAKERS. NOW BLAME BOTH BRANDON AND SOME RANDO BLACK KID FOR NOT MAKING THE TEAM. BECAUSE YOU’RE AWESOME LIKE THAT. 

HEY! THERE’S SOME BLACK PEOPLE TO BLAME! Also, Mr. Out-Of-District ain’t much taller than Brandon. 

Also: Brandon hates black people. 

And now here’s Nat, saying something no one cares about. The wardrobe people had a really easy time with this character. 

And then Black Guy comes in and Brandon makes him sit in the Blacks Only section. Then he turns the fire hose on him. 

You guys? I really dislike Brandon. 

Jim’s all, “You’re awesome. Black people are awful. So are my hair and sweater.”

HEY! Look who came for dinner! 

And then she places a few calls into a 900-number. Inconsiderate bitch. GOOD GOD, HAS ANYONE CHANGED CLOTHES THIS ENTIRE EPISODE? ARE WE STILL ON THE SAME STINKING DAY???

These two foolios argue about Brenda fighting Brandon's battles with Jim for him. And he calls her his "better half"...because that's completely normal, not creepy, and non-incestuous. 

Study time. Magazine time. I think Kelly probably has some cute Oxfords on. 

Kelly’s walks through the Jack and Jill bathroom and then spies on…

...this dingleberry. 

Next day at school: WOW. Two cute-ish outfits in a row, Kelly. Donna, having gone WAY overboard with the Blossom inspo, is rightfully hating life at the moment. David, who apparently already killed off Poor (Already) Dead Scott Scanlon, is wearing the collared, buttoned-up version of a Cosby sweater.

And then this happens. And their equally hideous shirts have a dance off and no one wins because these two are cretins. THE END. 

Then Steve finds Brandon and is all conspiratorial and racist, and Brandon goes along with it. Because remember: Brandon Hates Black People.

SCOTT. IS ALIVE. Unless David is just reenacting a scene from Weekend at Bernie’s 2 here. 

Black Guy comes in and gets an extension on his project and Brandon hates him some more and goes to find his white hood. WHERE’S DYLAN??? ISN’T HE IN THIS CLASS???

Then Brandon drags AHHHHHHHNdrea into the whole out-of-district thing, because we know SHE won’t have an aneurysm when THAT phrase comes up, and she gets all typically huffy and whatever. But because she loves The Worst Person Ever, she’s going to do some investigative reporting on the matter. WHO CARES.

Brenda, in a gross top, during a driver's ed lesson. Thinks she sees Henry Winkler. Crashes. OH MY GOD. IS THIS WHAT THIS SHOW WAS ABOUT THE 1^ST SEASON???

Brandon doesn’t like it when black people touch him. Because Brandon Hates Black People. 

AND THIS HAPPENS. BECAUSE PARENTS WOULD TOTALLY BE ALLOWED IN A TRYOUT. What a tool. 

AND THEN THIS HAPPENS. LIKE, JIM GOES TO SEE WHO MADE THE CUT AND WHO DIDN’T. STEP OFF, JAY SHERMAN. 

Then Brandon spots Frumpelstiltskin, back from her 21 Jump Street undercover investigation. 

Jim’s all smug because he thinks that Brandon’s going to get laid again.

AHHHHHHHNdrea gives Brandon the 4-1-1: Black Guy James IS from out of district. GASP. And by “GASP” I of course mean “NO ONE FUCKING CARES.” ANYway, he's not enrolled in the Applied Learning Opportunity Program (ALOP, if you're nasty), either, which is supposed to create diversity and enrich lives and HOLY FUCK, I AM SO BORED. And James is some kind of dirty interloper! 

AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "[Insufferable.]"

Brandon: "[Equally as insufferable.]"

Black People Pass By. Brandon considers getting out the fire hose again. 

So then Brandon confronts Black Guy about…being black? And how much he, Brandon, Hates Black People?

Black Guy, aka James, instead of stabbing Brandon in the neck and burning Casa Walsh down, makes this face and then walks away.

And then Mr. Jump-To-Conclusions is all threatening about the truth coming out, even though he HAS NO IDEA. 

So then the piece of shit comes home and Brenda's on the phone with Kelly, who's attempting to convince her, Brenda, to come along on a double date with her to the Janet Jackson concert. Brenda can't join because she would rather stay home and eat her Hungry Man Dinner. 

And then douchey Jim reminisces about being The Next Larry Bird on his high school basketball team. He looks like he just stepped out of fucking Newsies in this picture. Where's your pageboy cap, Large Guy? 

So Cindy comes out looking like...this, attempting to light a fire under Jim's ass about some dinner they're attending. The dress isn't bad? Maybe? The hair? 

Fuck no. But she is giving me a Sigourney Weaver in Alien vibe here. 

See? Ish? Whatever. It's bad ass. And Andy Walsh's (!) dad approves.  

So Jim being a pig-dog asshole, completely ignores the fact that Cindy isn't wearing, like, elastic-waisted pants for the first time ever, and doesn't even compliment her. Brandon, not being a fucking self-involved prick for once in his life, sweetly praises his mother. Cindy says something like, "Thanks! At least someone fucking noticed! I can't wait for my Almost Affair a couple of episodes from now." So yes: this was the exact moment Cindy decided to step out on Jim. Because he sucks on a multitude of levels.

Speaking of: Jim then bribes Brandon, saying that if he makes the team, Big Jimbo will start paying for his car insurance. So yes: Jim is one of Those Fathers. We all knew some like him growing up, right? Right. Moving along. 

My thoughts exactly, Cind. 

So then Kelly calls Brenda from some way "hip" bar or venue or something. You can tell it's "hip" because of all of the graffiti on the wall. Also: I think Kelly's dress is cute, all black lace whatever; but then, I also think it might be a black lace whatever top and some bike shorts. So...no. 

So Brenda in her slouchy socks that she borrowed from Steve...

...is easily convinced to steal Mondale, drive license-less, and come pick Kelly up. Because the princess is having a bad time. Kelly also tells her that she, Brenda, is her best friend. And because Brenda's apparently fucking desperate and has bad bangs, she jumps on the chance to potentially crash her brother's car or get pulled over and arrested for driving without a license.

So Brenda's driving and singing "On The Road Again" or some shit, and also talking to herself in this really maniacal way, like she's not really talking to herself, but rather like, some voices in her head. WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER. And her bangs are still awful, like she didn't shower after a particularly grueling workout at Crunch Fitness. 

THIS IS SO, SO DUMB YOU GUYS. The car runs out of gas. Kill me now. 

So her and her Reebok Pumps and Steve's slouchy socks...

...and light, light, light, light, light rolled-up jean shorts which look like every pair I had in 7th grade...

...and her goddamn MOCK TURTLENECK and bad bangs walk to a gas station. 

Where she talks to this guy. Who kidnaps her and locks her in his basement sweatshop where he forces her to make his gas station cover-alls for pennies a day. 

Oh wait. That didn't happen? Well, it should've, because THIS FUCKING STORY LINE IS THE WORST X 1 MILLION INFINITIES. Anyway, Mondale was stolen. Because duh. 

AND OHMYGOD, IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER. Brandon, in the same shirt he's been wearing for days, listens to Nat, in the only shirt he will get to wear on this show, talk about mayonnaise. No, seriously. Like he's teaching Brandon how to make a FUCKING SANDWICH. How this show didn't get cancelled IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THIS SCENE is beyond me. We've reached new lows, y'all. 

Thanks for coming out this episode, Joe E. Tata. Your role was the most thankless one in the history of entertainment for 10 long years. That's got to count for something.

So Brandon heads to the library to drop off some books and spots...

JAMES! WHAT??? INTERLOPER! INTERLOPER!

He Who Hates Black People is all, "Hey, man! This is the White's Only library! Go back to Africa!"

So silly James and his weird medallion and probably Hyper-color t-shirt, apparently don't like being accosted and berated while doing homework in a fucking public library, and they basically tell Brandon to mind his goddamn business and die. Which someone should tell Brandon each and every episode.

Brandon doesn't want to hear it, because He Hates Black People, and continues to be a braying jackass.

James is all, "Bitch, my dad has worked for the Beverly Hills City library since time began, which is why I get to go to West Bev, I'm not even in ALOP, so take that theory and shove it up your ass, and your dad is a tool who came to practice to suck up to the coach, as only a complete asshole would do. Also: this shirt is fucking gross."

Oh, gee. James' perfectly reasonable explanation didn't allay Brandon's accusations. What a shock. And by "what a shock" I of course mean "I fucking HATE Brandon."

UGH. BACK TO THIS. The police come to the house because Brenda or someone reported it stolen. I was hoping they were coming for Brandon after he committed some kind of hate crime.

Police Officer Man...whatever.

Brenda, who looks very pretty here, doesn't let anyone know that she took the car and it was stolen from the street, but rather, that the thieves (Tiffany, perhaps?) stole it directly out of the driveway.

So Jay Sherman's all, "Whatevs about the car. I need to continue to live vicariously through you and you need to make the fucking team tomorrow. If not...well, I'll still love you more than I love Brenda."

Brandon, meanwhile, really turns on the charm and starts yelling at his dad...

...RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING DETECTIVE. Like, way classy, ass face. Maybe the detective will arrest Brandon for a domestic disturbance.

So upstairs, Cindy's tricking Jim into believing that she's not going to have an Almost Affair, and also tells him to step the hell off of Brandon and all of his White Men (Especially 3'4" Brandon) Can't Jump dreams.

So then Brandon and his pea brain figured out Brenda took the car. WHATEVER. SOMEONE CHANGE THEIR CLOTHES, PLEASE.

So then, GET THIS: BRANDON accuses Brenda of jumping to conclusions. He should die. Seriously. Just fucking end it. PROJECTING MUCH, ARE WE BRANDON???

And then Brenda, instead of roundhouse kicking Brandon in the fucking jugular, figures out why she's such a shitty driver. NO ONE CARES.

Brandon goes to continue his harassment of James the next morning.

Him and the slouchy socks he borrowed from Steve and his dirty-ass white trash shoes head out to the court.

He asks James if he can join, and instead of James firing the ball at Brandon's smug head, he lets him.

So he basically says that he's not a cowboy, and James isn't some gangbanger crackhead (although you know he actually still DOES believe that. Because he's a monster.) and they should get along and work together or some shit. IS THIS EPISODE ALMOST OVER YET???

James, instead of Tasering Brandon and spitting on his convulsing body, accepts his non-apology and now they're all BFFs. WHATEVER, JAMES.

SIGH. So Brenda offers Mr. Driver's Ed a blowie if he will teach her how to drive again. Or something. WHATEVER X 17 MILLION INFINITIES.

CHANGE YOUR SHIRT, SCOTT. CHANGE IT NOW. You, too, David.

Mr. and Mrs. Insufferable talk about James and blah, blah, FUCKING DUMB, blah. AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's cardigan might be cute, which sickens me to admit.

Brandon and his fucking MOCK TURTLENECK are gross, and Steve is also gross and says the the school belongs to Them and not any colored people. Because Steve Hates Black People. And Brandon Still Kind Of Does, Too.

Later: RUN HIM OVER, JIM. RUN HIM OVER NOW. And then let Cindy get behind the wheel and she can run you over. THE END.

Your Almost Affair is just on the horizon, Cindy.

MY GOD. THIS EPISODE IS FOOOOREVVVVVERRRRR. ANYWAY. Brandon tells Jim he made, like, the Q Team or something, and then Jim tells Brandon that he's a liar because he really wasn't some fucking b-ball all star in high school and these two are just The WORST.

MONDALE. Returned home safely. Then everyone figures out it was Brenda who was driving it on the night it was stolen because she left her keys in the ignition. THE FUCKING END. Excuse me while I go fall into a coma and attempt to forget this episode ever happened. MY GOD.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.