Monday, September 9, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 20 - Spring Training: If You Don't Have Time To Read This, Here's A Sypnopsis: Everyone Associated With Youth League Sports Is God Awful. And Yes, That's What This Entire Episode Amounts To.

In which I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. We've truly hit a new low here, people. A plot about the politics of Little League baseball??? Seriously??? This is what it's come to? IS THIS REAL LIFE??? NO ONE, INCLUDING ALL THE WORLD, CARES. We also have to deal with some douche kid named Noah (no, not Hunter...
...THANK EVERYTHING) who couldn't be more offensive if he came into your house and shatted on your face while you slept. Oh, and there's a subplot involving Brenda and a dog, and everyone is just really dreadful and I hate storylines involving animals, because I'm the type that won't see a movie if there's a potential for pet neglect/death, and I also see news stories about wildfires or tornadoes or hurricanes wiping out hundreds of homes somewhere, and my first thought is never "I hope everyone made it out okay," but rather, "I hope all the animals in those houses made it out okay." I'll exit this paragraph on a high note, however: no David! Or Scott! For the third episode in a row! I think Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott may now be Poor (Is-Now) Dead Scott Who Shot His Friend David ("You're So Precious To Me") Silver Before Turning The Gun On Himself. And I'm okay with that. LET'S DANCE.

We open with a bunch of this. Brenda running. In Steve SAUNders slouchy socks and really, really offensive shorts. Whatever.

So then this sweet muffin of a dog comes to run alongside her. And he's so handsome! But because his owners are more than likely rich dickbags who view pets as mere possessions, he's loose on the streets. I see that Beverly Hills pet-parents are just as derelict as Beverly Hills human being-parents. Awesome. ANYway, here is what Brenda says to the dog: "Hey, puppy. Where are you going? Getting in shape, huh? Well you better go home. C'mon, puppy. Go! Go home! Puppy, go home. Please, puppy, go home! Go! Look, I mean it. Get lost, go home. Please. C'mon, go home. Go home, get out of here. Damn it, puppy, go home." Just like me, that dog has zero fucks left to give about this plot line, this episode, and really, this fucking season as a whole.

HORK. We cut over to this: a bunch of pieces of white trash, sashaying around a baseball diamond. And Jim's all, "Hey, Dave!" to the Bob Saget-y guy on the right, and then he says, "Meet my expert coaching staff. My son Brandon; his friend, Steve SAUNders," and apparently, no one has a problem with the fact that Steve is WEARING A BELLY-SHIRT. OH, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME??? HERE YOU GO:

BELL.Y. SHIRT. YUP. This, paired with the almost-mullet is just...too much for me and my stomach lining to bear. PLEASE DOUSE YOURSELF IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT A MATCH STEVE. ANYhow, Bob Saget's name is actually Dave Franklin, and he's the president (or "El Presidente," as Jim calls him, PUKE) of the West Beverly Hills Baseball League, and MIDRIFF-BARING Steve thinks that they should get Dave's son, Davey (oh, how twee) on their team, and of course the elder Franklin is a pathetic, living-vicariously-through-his-son piece of shit, so he tells them, "I think that could be arranged," and then he asks Jim, "So, for the tryouts, you up to hitting some fungos?" and even though my brother played Little League for FOREVER when we were kids, I had never heard that word before transcribing this episode and looking up the definition. I just thought Dave was propositioning Jim. You know...sexually. And Jim goes to hit the kids fly balls (which is basically what a "fungo" is) and Steve asks Brandon, "So how tight is your dad with Franklin?" and that also sounds pretty sexual, but whatever, and Brandon says, "Well, they work together, so they're pretty tight I think," and all this Jim-Danny Tanner fan-fic erotica is giving me a case of the vapors. And Steve is lacking in EVERYTHING EVER and is all, "Well, than you can bet ol' Franklin's gonna make sure his good buddy gets all the best players."

And then the Non-Hilarity continues when Steve asks Brandon, "Say, is your dad any good?" since he's apparently just fallen out of Leave it to Beaver, because who other than fucking Wally and The Beav would use, "Say," before beginning any sentence??? ANYHOW, Brandon non-answers Steve with, "He loves baseball," and Steve says, "But is he any good?" And Brandon tells him to see for himself, and of course, we cut over to Jim attempting a to hit a "fungo" and then he jerks his upper body around and makes this face, which looks like an angry beej face to me (continuing the sexual overtones of this whole scene) except that really, he just screwed up his back. Also: I think my dad owned at least seven of the same sweatshirt Jim is wearing in this scene in 1991.