Season 1; Ep. 14 - East Side Story: Brandon's Furrowed Brow Of Self-Righteousness Makes Its Triumphant Return. And I Begin To Think That Shooting Yourself In The Breadbasket Isn't Such A Bad Idea.

In which Brandon continues his streak of...not being so bad? Like, I don't want to claw his rouge-highlighted cheeks off or anything. There are of course moments of his ass-faced-ness, but he's also dealing with yet another girl who seems to have some kind of borderline personality disorder. Although, maybe if I had witnessed (22-YEAR-OLD SPOILER ALERT!) a toddler being gunned down in a gangland-style shooting, as is the case with Hispanic Karla, I might be a little cracked myself. Anyway...let's hit this. 

We open with...this. Brandon's dorking it up on his bike in his light, light, light, light, light denim jeans (which are most likely giving him grotesque moose-knuckle and are probably hiked-up to his collarbone) and a shitty, faded-looking long-sleeved t-shirt. I wonder where the top half of his Canadian Tuxedo is.

He arrives home with his Jansport flung casually over his shoulder, and sees Jim and Cindy speaking perfect English with Margarita and some dude who is also Hispanic and who Brandon most likely suspects is a Colombian drug lord, per his aforementioned Mad Investigative Journalistic SkillZ.

He heads upstairs and being the rude douche that he is, barges into Brenda's room asking Brenda what she's doing (homework) and if she knows what's going on downstairs. Additionally: Brenda is also wearing sky-blue-colored jeans which have presumably concealed their crotchial region in her vagina. Also: Brandon's packing some heat in his crotchial region. GROSS.

Brenda, whose bangs are looking pretty great here, tells Brandon that Jim and Cindy are throwing a party for Chick (??? X 17 INFINITIES) Schneider. Brandon doesn't know who Chick Schneider is, so Brenda gives him the lowdown: "C.S. Schneider? C.S. Pacific? He's like the king kahuna of beach fashion. He makes all those great wipe out pants that Dylan always wears." Brenda, please never say "king kahuna" ever, ever again. And what the fuck are wipe out pants? I'm assuming it's surf-related, and given that it's the early-90s here, I'm also going to assume they look something like these horror shows from Samuel "Screech" Powers' wardrobe:

Oh, Tori Spelling. You've come a long way, baby. Except not really.

Season 1; Ep. 13 - Slumber Party: How Many Times Can I Type The Words "Slumber Party" In One Post? INFINITY.

SIIIIIIIIGH. THIS one. As I said at the end of my previous post, this episode was my bag when I was younger. I loved it. Because apparently talking about date rape, eating disorders, and boyfriend thievery, as well as...hanging out with the elderly (I'm looking at you, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea) was where it was at? I...don't know. But seeing it as an adult makes me realize that it's actually really, really depressing. Not even Steve and Brandon (but mostly Steve, who is 41) getting grifted by Julie from Growing Pains and one of the girls from Weird Science can wash away the ick after viewing. Go get on your finest men's silk pajamas (shut up, Kelly) and let's rock this thing. 

(Also: this episode kind of sucks, clothes-wise. I mean, the girls are in their PJs almost the entire time, and Steve and Brandon are in their horrible club gear the whole show...which thankgodfully does not include The Steve SAUNders Special, YAY, but does include Brandon's St. Elmo's Fire Blazer, BOO. But whatever. It's not like I've truly maintained this blog as an ode to Beverly Hills, 90210 fashion. It's obviously mostly been about my disproportionate hatred of one Brandon Walsh.)

Oh, PUKE. We start out with this dingleberry, saying to Brenda, "You're having a slumber party? I thought you gave those up in junior high." Shove it, Brando. Also: nice FUCKING Jungle Cruise vest and Tony Manero necklace. AGAIN.

Brenda, wearing more fecal matter-colored clothing, basically tells Brandon to eat shit and die, but which sounds more like, "It is not a slumber party; it's an evening of female bonding. Right, Mom?" And Cindy agrees. And can I ask: what the hell is wrong with a slumber party anyway? My friends and I had those well into high school. Maybe it was a Colorado thing, and Beverly Hills kids are just too cool for school...and by "cool" I am of course not referring to Brandon, Steve, Kelly, Donna, and David, obviously.

Anyway, Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh comes into the kitchen looking like he always does, and is in a rush to go do accountant-type things, and Brenda reminds him that he agreed to stay upstairs later that night during the slumber party and I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. Like, hopefully, he won't come traipsing down the stairs, topless, with his Back Of Fur and sporting a Woodrow while talking about Do Not Disturb signs, Andes Mints, and crossword puzzles. Because that would just be a lifetime of therapy for Brenda's guests. Jim, you sick fuck. Oh, and then Jim is all lame like Brandon and chides Brenda about having a slumber party. WHAT'S THE BIG GODDAMN DEAL?

Oh, DOUBLE PUKE. Brandon calls AHHHHHHHNdrea "Chief" and I punch my television set in the face. And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea gets all excited because West Bev beat Bev in tennis or some shit. And then Brandon is not self-involved for once in his goddamn life and asks what AHHHHHHHHNdrea's doing that night.

And then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, with her Hair Of Ass and gross, jaundice-colored, mandarin-collared Nightmare Shirt is all, "I've got a woman's conference I'm attending. At your house," and OH, PLEASE, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA. And then Brandon's all like, "Whatever, Mega Dork. It's a slumber party," and Stick Up Her Asshole AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea gets all hoity (WHAT'S NEW) and says, "It is not a slumber party."

GOD. If Brenda's dress was any other color, it might be good. Okay, maybe not, because the top doesn't fit right. So never mind. And Kelly's look might be cute, and Donna's is a gigantic pile of NO, but it also looks like my wardrobe for the entirety of 7th grade. Because I was a monstrosity, y'all. ANYway, Kelly, like everyone else, is all concerned that it's a slumber party. Like, AM I MISSING SOMETHING? WHAT IS THE BIG, STINKING DEAL ABOUT A SLUMBER PARTY? ARE ALL OF THESE BEVERLY HILL KIDS FAR TOO SOPHISTICATED FOR A FUCKING SLUMBER PARTY??? ALSO, I DON'T WANT TO TYPE THE WORDS "SLUMBER PARTY" EVER, EVER AGAIN. GAH. So Brenda tells her it's not; it's a night of female bonding, and boy-crazy Kelly, OF COURSE, wants to invite dudes over later, and Brenda says no, they don't want to have to worry about guys that night, and GET TO THE DATE RAPE, SHOW. I mean...the slumber party.

But because Kelly is The Worst Friend, EVER, she tells Brenda that she made plans with another friend that evening, a senior by the name of Amanda Peyser, and they've been friends forever, which is odd because we've never heard of her before this episode and we will never hear from her again, so whatever, Kelly. You probably stole her boyfriend by wagging your vagina in his face and that's why she didn't stay friends with you. ANYWAY, Brenda tells Kelly to bring Amanda, but then Kelly says, SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH, "Well, I know this may sound stupid, but I don't want her to think this is a slumber party. I mean, it's not a slumber party, right?" and MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

So then we get a glimpse of these rods, which I believe is actually a still from the "Seventeen Year Itch" episode because...it is. ANYway, David overhears the girls talking and says to Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scottie, "Guess where we're going to be tonight?" and Scottie says, "You're crazy," and David says, "Wild and crazy," and MY GOD.

So this is them walking down the hall. See? Different (but equally as awful) outfits. I...don't get it, either.

Oh, QUADRUPLE PUKE X 3 MILLION INFINITIES. Steve, not rocking The Steve SAUNders Special, AMEN, and Brandon, with his linen (?) Jungle Cruise vest that he picked up at like, Chicos, are talking about how Brenda is apparently kicking Brandon out of the house that night for her sleepover, like, WHO WOULDN'T, and then Steve is grotesque and says, "Well, what do you say you and I go out tonight? Try and find some girls who are interested in having a slumber party with other guys?" like, first of all Steve, NO ONE wants to have a slumber party with you, and second of all, YOU ARE A MUTANT.

So then the guys approach the girls, and Steve's jeans are hiked up to Jesus...and his nipples, and he says, "Hey. Guy's got your nighties all set for this evening?" and Brenda says, "Well, we're sorry you have to miss it, Steve. From what I hear, cheap thrills are about all you're getting these days," and OH SNAP. But not really.

And then Donna is so, so lame and says, "Left you in the dust," and GO AWAY, DONNA. And Steve says that Brenda "dissed" him, and Brandon says that it was weak, and yes, Brandon, yes it was.

Season 1; Ep. 12 - One Man And A Baby: The Worst Thing About This Episode? Not Brandon!

Let me preface this one by saying: I don't have a full-on hate-boner for Brandon this episode. I actually kind of feel for the guy since he has to deal with some total whack-job teen mom who's either completely mental or suffering from severe postpartum psychosis. I'm going to go with the former, however. ANYway, let's do this dance. 

We begin with this...white trash loser eating lunch by himself. STOP WITH THE MATCHING DENIM JACKET AND JEANS, BRANDON. Your Canadian Tuxedo is making my eyes bleed. Maybe Jason Priestley demanded to wear this look constantly as some kind of non-sly shout-out to his mother land? Anyway. 

So as Brandon and his gross hair are eating, ALONE, they hear...

...this train wreck singing what at first I thought was Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract." And I got really excited because what this show needs more of is MC Skat Kat.

I mean, C'MON, PEOPLE. What a lovable scamp, all being a cartoon character attempting to have sex with Paula Abdul! That's not disturbing at all! 

Unfortunately for everybody, that's not what she was singing. But Brandon noses in and interrupts her and says, "Is this a public performance or should I pretend I'm not listening?"

This mental patient turns around and says sorry, she thought she was alone. 

So they introduce themselves (her name's Melissa Coolidge) and he asks if she's brilliant or just a dreamer, seeing as she was looking at the Harvard course catalog. And Melissa, in her XXXXXXXXXXXL great-grandfatherly, hugely v-necked sweater says, "Actually, I'm a brilliant dreamer," and these two conceited assholes are going to get along just fine. 

So they continue to chat for a bit about staying outside all day, and that she shouldn't expect a vocal scholarship and that he's still a lowly junior (which...obviously the writers change this without mentioning it, seeing as the following season is actually their junior year, and I guess they wanted to have one more year of high school plot lines for the characters and WHAT THE HOLY FUCK WHY DO I CARE) and then Melissa takes her construction worker lunch pail and gets the hell out of there and away from Brandon, because obviously. Except that Brandon should've actually been the one high-tailing it away from the tree, since, as he will soon discover, Melissa is about fifty-one cards short of a full deck. 

Brandon does not care, however, since he just wants some over the revealing-jeans action. So he picks up the Latin paper she left behind...