Season 1; Ep. 13 - Slumber Party: How Many Times Can I Type The Words "Slumber Party" In One Post? INFINITY.

SIIIIIIIIGH. THIS one. As I said at the end of my previous post, this episode was my bag when I was younger. I loved it. Because apparently talking about date rape, eating disorders, and boyfriend thievery, as well as...hanging out with the elderly (I'm looking at you, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea) was where it was at? I...don't know. But seeing it as an adult makes me realize that it's actually really, really depressing. Not even Steve and Brandon (but mostly Steve, who is 41) getting grifted by Julie from Growing Pains and one of the girls from Weird Science can wash away the ick after viewing. Go get on your finest men's silk pajamas (shut up, Kelly) and let's rock this thing. 

(Also: this episode kind of sucks, clothes-wise. I mean, the girls are in their PJs almost the entire time, and Steve and Brandon are in their horrible club gear the whole show...which thankgodfully does not include The Steve SAUNders Special, YAY, but does include Brandon's St. Elmo's Fire Blazer, BOO. But whatever. It's not like I've truly maintained this blog as an ode to Beverly Hills, 90210 fashion. It's obviously mostly been about my disproportionate hatred of one Brandon Walsh.)

Oh, PUKE. We start out with this dingleberry, saying to Brenda, "You're having a slumber party? I thought you gave those up in junior high." Shove it, Brando. Also: nice FUCKING Jungle Cruise vest and Tony Manero necklace. AGAIN.

Brenda, wearing more fecal matter-colored clothing, basically tells Brandon to eat shit and die, but which sounds more like, "It is not a slumber party; it's an evening of female bonding. Right, Mom?" And Cindy agrees. And can I ask: what the hell is wrong with a slumber party anyway? My friends and I had those well into high school. Maybe it was a Colorado thing, and Beverly Hills kids are just too cool for school...and by "cool" I am of course not referring to Brandon, Steve, Kelly, Donna, and David, obviously.

Anyway, Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh comes into the kitchen looking like he always does, and is in a rush to go do accountant-type things, and Brenda reminds him that he agreed to stay upstairs later that night during the slumber party and I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. Like, hopefully, he won't come traipsing down the stairs, topless, with his Back Of Fur and sporting a Woodrow while talking about Do Not Disturb signs, Andes Mints, and crossword puzzles. Because that would just be a lifetime of therapy for Brenda's guests. Jim, you sick fuck. Oh, and then Jim is all lame like Brandon and chides Brenda about having a slumber party. WHAT'S THE BIG GODDAMN DEAL?

Oh, DOUBLE PUKE. Brandon calls AHHHHHHHNdrea "Chief" and I punch my television set in the face. And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea gets all excited because West Bev beat Bev in tennis or some shit. And then Brandon is not self-involved for once in his goddamn life and asks what AHHHHHHHHNdrea's doing that night.

And then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, with her Hair Of Ass and gross, jaundice-colored, mandarin-collared Nightmare Shirt is all, "I've got a woman's conference I'm attending. At your house," and OH, PLEASE, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA. And then Brandon's all like, "Whatever, Mega Dork. It's a slumber party," and Stick Up Her Asshole AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea gets all hoity (WHAT'S NEW) and says, "It is not a slumber party."

GOD. If Brenda's dress was any other color, it might be good. Okay, maybe not, because the top doesn't fit right. So never mind. And Kelly's look might be cute, and Donna's is a gigantic pile of NO, but it also looks like my wardrobe for the entirety of 7th grade. Because I was a monstrosity, y'all. ANYway, Kelly, like everyone else, is all concerned that it's a slumber party. Like, AM I MISSING SOMETHING? WHAT IS THE BIG, STINKING DEAL ABOUT A SLUMBER PARTY? ARE ALL OF THESE BEVERLY HILL KIDS FAR TOO SOPHISTICATED FOR A FUCKING SLUMBER PARTY??? ALSO, I DON'T WANT TO TYPE THE WORDS "SLUMBER PARTY" EVER, EVER AGAIN. GAH. So Brenda tells her it's not; it's a night of female bonding, and boy-crazy Kelly, OF COURSE, wants to invite dudes over later, and Brenda says no, they don't want to have to worry about guys that night, and GET TO THE DATE RAPE, SHOW. I mean...the slumber party.

But because Kelly is The Worst Friend, EVER, she tells Brenda that she made plans with another friend that evening, a senior by the name of Amanda Peyser, and they've been friends forever, which is odd because we've never heard of her before this episode and we will never hear from her again, so whatever, Kelly. You probably stole her boyfriend by wagging your vagina in his face and that's why she didn't stay friends with you. ANYWAY, Brenda tells Kelly to bring Amanda, but then Kelly says, SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH, "Well, I know this may sound stupid, but I don't want her to think this is a slumber party. I mean, it's not a slumber party, right?" and MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

So then we get a glimpse of these rods, which I believe is actually a still from the "Seventeen Year Itch" episode because...it is. ANYway, David overhears the girls talking and says to Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scottie, "Guess where we're going to be tonight?" and Scottie says, "You're crazy," and David says, "Wild and crazy," and MY GOD.

So this is them walking down the hall. See? Different (but equally as awful) outfits. I...don't get it, either.

Oh, QUADRUPLE PUKE X 3 MILLION INFINITIES. Steve, not rocking The Steve SAUNders Special, AMEN, and Brandon, with his linen (?) Jungle Cruise vest that he picked up at like, Chicos, are talking about how Brenda is apparently kicking Brandon out of the house that night for her sleepover, like, WHO WOULDN'T, and then Steve is grotesque and says, "Well, what do you say you and I go out tonight? Try and find some girls who are interested in having a slumber party with other guys?" like, first of all Steve, NO ONE wants to have a slumber party with you, and second of all, YOU ARE A MUTANT.

So then the guys approach the girls, and Steve's jeans are hiked up to Jesus...and his nipples, and he says, "Hey. Guy's got your nighties all set for this evening?" and Brenda says, "Well, we're sorry you have to miss it, Steve. From what I hear, cheap thrills are about all you're getting these days," and OH SNAP. But not really.

And then Donna is so, so lame and says, "Left you in the dust," and GO AWAY, DONNA. And Steve says that Brenda "dissed" him, and Brandon says that it was weak, and yes, Brandon, yes it was.

Cut to: House Of Walsh, later that night. Brandon lets Kelly and Donna in, and Kelly CONTINUES TO BE CREEPED OUT ABOUT THE SLUMBER PARTY, LIKE, WHAT. THE. HELL. She's all, "Brenda, this is weird." UM. I just...can't with this. WHAT'S THE BIG, PRINCESS? And she says that Amanda's coming by later, because she wanted to drive her own car in case she wanted to get the hell out of there at some point. WHATEVER. And Kelly says, "I think this might all be a little too down home for her," and Brenda is RAD (WHAT'S NEW) and is all, "Kelly, we're not going on hayrides," like, SERIOUSLY.

So then Kelly and Donna, with her relatively-nourished hair, head upstairs to change into their jams, and Kelly  SERIOUSLY SAYS, "I'm warning you: I don't have a nightgown. I wear men's silk pajamas," like, is that supposed to be risque or something??? It's not like she's changing into a goddamn negligee. In conclusion: SHUT UP, KELLY.

Next, we're at some really low-rent-looking club called Floodlights with Brandon and Steve. Seriously, it looks like a fucking strip-mall bar but it's supposed to be this trendoid LA hotspot. WHATEVER. Brandon doesn't think they're going to get in the club, and Steve tells him, "Would you relax? They never card as long as you're dressed right," and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And Brandon asks what's wrong with the way he's dressed and let me just answer that for you, Steve: EVERYTHING, BRANDON. EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

So they see two appropriately-trashy chicks walk by who we'll meet later. Also: Steve is 41. Clearly. And they make up completely unbelievable back-stories for themselves, in case they meet any girls who are desperate enough to want to talk to them: Steve, 41, works for his father's import/export company (that'll get 'em wet, amirite, ladies???) and goes to SC part-time. WHATEVER. And Brandon says that he'll tell them that he's a professional hockey player for the Kings and again, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Steve is actually (sort of) logical for a moment and tells Brandon to say that he's taking a year off of UCLA to find himself. THIS IS SO BEYOND IDIOTIC. And then Steve says something about girls needing guys, and they can't have fun without them, and cut to...

THIS APPALLING DISPLAY OF FOUL NO. But this is coming from a girl who used to choreograph dances to Ace of Base songs in her bedroom, so who am I to judge. Seriously. I'm vile. Also: look at Grandma Z back there, breaking it down. GO GRANNY, GO GRANNY, GO.

NOOOOOOOooooo! Donna's even Steve SAUNdered her goddamn pajamas??? KILL ME NOW. But I will add: this is the episode where I think Donna's personality finally comes out, and she's actually kind of cute and charming. Her air-headed schtick was tolerable, even likable in relatively small doses. For me, the Donna character was enjoyable through the end of Season 5. And then she became a HUGE focal point of the show, and it all went down the shitter. And by Season 6, she's become this grossly over-tanned, ATROCIOUSLY-COIFFED (this cannot be understated), Chola-lip-lined nuisance. And her "comic relief" became really forced and obvious and uncomfortable and annoying. And then I just wanted her to go the fuck away. I blame her likability-demise on all the DRAMZZZZZZZ with Ray Pruit. Actually, I just blame Ray Pruit. Just as everything that is wrong in the world today should be blamed on Ray Pruit (one "T"! Because remember, it's all his mama could afford! GO DIE, RAY PRUIT).

YUP.

BUT I DIGRESS. Back to this. The girls, who are probably Cindy's only friends, pull her into their dance party. It's horribly embarrassing and it's one of those moments that you can't actually watch because it hurts. Like, physical pain somewhere in the cranial region.

Although, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's "moves" are 15 x EVERY INFINITY IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM worse.

So then Amanda "Bitchface" Peyser shows up...with her bitchface on, and judges everyone. Rightfully, I believe. Her outfit is very beige and boring, so let's move on.

So Kelly and her oh-so-erotic men's silk pajamas see Amanda and invites her in and introduces everyone.

And Amanda is in a snit because, YOU GUESSED IT, it's a goddamn mother-fucking SLUMBER PARTY, which is like, THE MOST OFFENSIVE THING YOU CAN DO IN GODDAMN BEVERLY HILLS. APPARENTLY. And Brenda offers her a night-shirt to wear, and Amanda pulls Kelly aside to tell her about a frat party that they should go to and that she can't "put on a nightgown and run around like a schoolgirl," and GET OVER YOURSELF, AMANDUH, and Kelly reminds her that she is in fact a schoolgirl, and blah blah Amanda's going to go Kelly's not NO ONE CARES blah, Amanda then agrees to stay for a couple of hours.

Cut to: House Of Walsh kitchen, where the girls are chowing down on some delicious snack foods.

Except of course for Amanda. Because as we will soon find out, her diet pill habit puts Jessie Spano's caffeine pill addiction to shame. Oh, Amanda, you troubled, gigantic cooze.

And then Brenda says Amanda's going to make them all look like pigs, and Amanda is a huge cunt sore and says, "You said it, I didn't," and then Brenda awesomely snorts at her and I wish she also would've, like, stabbed her or something.

Back in the living room, Donna is eating ice cream topped with popcorn, and everyone thinks it's disgusting, but I think it sounds marvelous, so whatever. And then Brenda asks Amanda if she eats on dates, and Amanda, WHAT A CHARMER, says, "Never. But I always order something expensive," and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea asks why, and Amanda needs fucking therapy and is all, "To let them know I'm worth it." Amanda's going to make a great mother someday.

And then Kelly says that she knew it was over between her and Steve when she started pigging out every time they went out to eat, and I'm surprised she was even able to eat in Steve's presence, given the state of his wardrobe, lace front, personality, and license plate.

Back at strip-mall bar Floodlights: Steve is attempting to bribe his way in. With a bouncer who also portrayed a bouncer on Saved By The Bell in the "Fake ID's" episode.

Yup. And, MY GOD I NEED HELP.

So Steve is 41 and obviously pissed off, calling the place a "pigsty" and lamenting the fact that he's underage.  I'M BORED. So then Brandon tells Steve that the two fashion rejects that they saw walking up to the club earlier are approaching the 'vette.

And you'll see that Blondie there is Julie, Mike's very temporary fiance (her name is Trina here) on Growing Pains and the brunette was Not Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science. Her name is Shelly. ANYway, these girls start hitting on Steve and Brandon, which, I mean, C'MON. That alone is enough to tell me that the boys are being setup. Because of obvious reasons. So Trina is going on and on about Steve's car (DID SHE SEE THE LICENSE PLATE???) and how hot it is, and Steve asks what they're doing for the night, and then...

THIS SEEMS REALLY SAFE. So Shelly, in a low-classy bra-top deal, is asking Brandon if she's squashing him and he says no, but he's speaking in this ooky baby-voice, almost like when he made the public apology to Marianne Moore over the airwaves of West Bev in the "Pilot" episode, HEAVE, and it really just makes me want to rinse my ears out. And by "rinse my ears out" I of course mean "place a loaded nail gun in my ear canal and fire away." So then Trina wants to shift the car, and she probably mistakes Steve's Woodrow for the gear shift, and then Shelly is running her hands through Brandon's hair, telling him he has great hair, like, NO, SHELLY. HE DOESN'T. NOT FOR ANOTHER SEASON AND A HALF OR SO. Also: YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIS TRAIN WRECK OF A MULLET. SO ANYGODDAMNWAY, the girls suggest going back to Brandon and Steve's, and Steve lies that their apartment is being earthquake-proofed, and then Trina offers up some abandoned elementary school parking lot, and this just sounds like a great idea on so many, many levels.

Back at the sleepover: Brenda says she's in sugar-shock, and Kelly's wearing her super-kinky men's silk PJs. So Donna wants to rent Pretty Woman, and that she sometimes dreams about becoming a prostitute on Hollywood Boulevard, just so she can meet Richard Gere. And it should be really gross, but she's actually pretty ridiculous (in a good way) and funny in the way that she says it. See: charming. A few seasons from now? NOT CHARMING AT FUCKING ALL. JUST WAIT. So anyway, Buzzkill Kelly tells Donna that she's no Julia Roberts, and Brenda says that they're not going to rent a movie, that's not what this night is about. And Kelly is a big crybaby about it, all needing instant gratification and constant attention from men, so she's getting bored. Donna, Brenda, and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea takes dishes to the kitchen and Brenda tells Kelly not to panic.

So Amanda...kind of looks 41 here as well. And she comes over and is all, "Kelly, let's get out of here. We leave now we'll get there fashionably late," and "I would never put you through this kind of torture," and "This is completely 7^th grade and you know it. C'mon, Kel. I hate to go to these things alone. Think how cool we'll be. Think of the option," and JUST GODDAMN LEAVE, YOU NINNY. No one has a gun to your head. Also: you are NOT cute, so have fun being ignored by all the frat bros. Thank god this character only sticks around for one episode.

LORD. The Zuck brought a Ouija board. Of course. And Kelly, in addition to being The Worst Friend Ever, is also The Stupidest Person Ever or Someone Who Has Been Living Under A Rock Her Entire Life, asks what you do with the Ouija. UM, SERIOUSLY, KELLY? Anyway, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea explains that you ask it questions and contact spirits. And Kelly asks if she thinks that they could really do that, and Madame Z says yes, if the energy is right, and Amanda is all, "Oh, gimme a break! That thing's a bunch of crap!" and AHHHHHHHNdrea's all offended, saying, "You know, I wouldn't say that if I were you. It's a pretty powerful thing," and go take your Metamucil and head to bed, AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

So they eventually decide to attempt to contact AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's grandma (who's had to have been dead for, what? 65, 70 years now?) ...

...and they place their hands on the planchette (thanks, internet!) and it comes to spell out "I-M H-E-R-E."

And everyone is FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, you guys. 

And then there is flashing lights, and everyone freaks out some more, again, and Donna makes this face and is actually really cute. 

And OH MY GOD, it's David and tag-along Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon. And Scott says, "I think they're gonna kill us," and Poor Scott, you guys. Like, right here? Less than a year to live. And he's spending it with David. Yeah. ANYway, David's all, "But what a way to go," and I really wish David would've shot himself in the gut and Scott would've lived, but whatever. 

And Kelly sees that it's David and grabs the camera from him and Brenda threatens to call the cops and then AHHHHHHHNdrea calls him a loser, and when AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman calls you a loser, you should really probably just take your own life and call it a damn day. 

And Brenda's all, "Can you believe those guys? I can't believe such immature people go to our high school," and Amanda sucks and is all, "Neither can I," meaning Brenda, Donna, Kelly, and AHHHHHHHHNdrea, and AHHHHHHHNdrea starts putting away the game, and says, "This is too powerful. I don't think we're ready for this," and I HATE YOU, AHHHHHHHHHNDREA. 

So then Amanda is like, "Damn it!" and Kelly asks what's up, and Amanda has missed the frat party. And Brenda is great and asks if fratsters turn into pumpkins after midnight, and Amanda says that they turn into drunken slobs and WOW, that sounds like a guy I'd wanna fuck! And she blames Kelly, and Kelly states the obvious that Amanda didn't have to come, and Amanda then becomes the worst villain ever and plans to ruin everyone's night by playing Skeletons In The Closet. Like, speaking of 7th grade, you fucking tool shed. 

Also: Amanda is TOTES 41, I mean, LOOK. And, she has popcorn kernels for teeth. 

I CAN NEVER UN-SEE THIS. EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER. RETCH. Like, I was a total dork in high school, but I don't think I would EVER have had some goddamn make-out session with a dude while my friend was also having a make-out session right next to me. Maybe it's different for boys and they don't care, but, NO. It's a little too Jim And Cindy's Palm Springs Weekend Of Orgy for my tastes. 

So then of course, Scammer Trina (who looks like Kelly's older sister) wants to drive the car...

...and because Steve is 41 and a fucking moron, he lets her. And is popping major Woodrow about it. 

So these three stand and watch, and Steve, wearing a camel-ass-colored trash bag, is having an aneurysm about Trina stripping his gears. OH MY GOD WHO CARES NO ONE THAT'S WHO. MOVE. ON. 

So then FUCKING OF COURSE Trina calls Shelly to the car...

...and the VERY OBVIOUS stunt driver, I mean, LOOK AT THAT BARBIE WIG, and Shelly SPEED AWAY! NOOOOOOoooo. But also: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And Steve really looks like The Greatest American Hero here and is shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED. 

So they hang around the school and Brandon basically lays down the truth for Steve, all, "We got scammed, alright, Steve! They stole your car and they scammed us. And I'm not gonna sit around here any longer and listen to you make excuses for them," and then Brandon makes to leave to go to a police station to report the crime that Steve still doesn't believe it happened. Because he is in denial. And because he really thought the girls liked them. Steve: LOOK IN THE MIRROR. 

So Brandon walks away and Steve ugly cries and gross. HOWEVER: let me tell you that I saw an article on the People magazine website about Ian Ziering and his wife having a second baby. And there was a picture and he looks good. Very handsome and apparently hasn't aged in thirteen years because he looks pretty much the same as he did at the end of the series. What I'm getting at is that maybe I should put some kind of disclaimer on the blog, which prefaces that the posts are not ripping into the actual actors, but their characters? Because look, as far as aesthetics go: EVERYONE was hideous in the 90s. I mean, have you seen a lot of the wardrobe choices we were given? Or the hairstyles that were "in" at the time? And it won't be for a long time yet, but (SPOILER ALERT!) I actually probably like Steve the most out of everyone when the show ends. I liked him and Janet together, and I really loved Janet and...he just grew on me, I guess. In conclusion: four for you, Steve SAUNders. You go, Steve SAUNders. ALSO-also: Ian Ziering is 48. For.Tee.Eight. Almost 50. FIVE. ZERO.

However this? Is not a good look. ANYway, Brandon comes back, and Steve is scared to tell his dad about the stolen car, and Liar Brandon thinks he should tell his dad the truth, like, Hi, Mr. My Drink Was Spiked. WHATEVER. And then Steve is all, "He might never let me live this one down. What if people at school find out? I'll be totally humiliated. You gotta swear, you gotta swear you're not gonna tell anybody about this," and Brandon gives him the whole "Scouts' honor" bullshit. And no one has ever said that to Steve before. And then Brandon thinks he's great and says, "Well, that's the problem, Steve. Things like this don't happen to good scouts," like, WHAT DO YOU CALL REAR-ENDING A PICK-UP TRUCK WHEN YOU'RE TWENTY-SEVEN SHEETS TO THE WIND, ASSHOLE? 

Back at the House Of Walsh. Amanda's rocking, WHAT ELSE, The Steve SAUNders Special. And Kelly's up first in the lame-brain game of Skeletons In The Closet.

So Donna asks, "What's your middle name?" and if Donna's known Kelly for so damn long, why doesn't she know Kelly's middle name? Like, sometimes I don't know if the writers understand friendships. Or relationships, period. Anyway, Kelly's middle name is Marlene, and then Brenda asks what her favorite color is and it's fuchsia, like, OF COURSE IT IS. Although, I'm surprised she didn't say something like, "Neon yellow with flecks of chartreuse," or some shit.

So Amanda thinks they're all being pussies with their questions, and Brenda says they're just getting warmed up, and then AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "What was your first sexual experience?" and oh, AHHHHHHHHNdrea! You naughty minx!

So Kelly tells her horror story. I mean, I assume, because Steve: "Uh...okay. It was with Steve. Um, after we'd been going out for about a month, he started talking about sex, constantly. Neither of us had ever done it, so naturally we were curious, but, he was definitely more curious than me. Um, it got to the point where alls [SHE SERIOUSLY SAYS ALLS, LIKE, SLIT MY WRISTS, NOW] we would talk about was sex. How, when, where. Anyway, after all the talking and planning, we ended up doing it in his bedroom one day after school, while his mom was downstairs being interviewed by Entertainment Tonight. They even talked to Steve afterward, and you should see the tape, he's got this huge grin across his face the whole time they're talking to him."

The entire time Kelly's telling her tale, Brenda and Donna try not to projectile vomit. Because seriously.

And then this snake, who's a worse friend than Kelly, is all, "No. Why don't you tell them about the real first time you had sex?" and Kelly, shitting her pants, is like, "That was the first time, Amanda," and Amanda is seriously evil and mentions some "Ross Weber," and Brenda asks who he is, and Donna is like, "Well, c'mon, Kel," LIKE, I THOUGHT YOU GUYS HAD BEEN BFFS SINCE FOREVER AGO, AND SOMEHOW YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ABOUT ROSS GODDAMN WEBER??? Like, fine. Maybe Kelly didn't want to discuss her date rape with everyone, but you'd think with her and Donna being so close, she'd fill her in. Instead she decides to inform this heap of garbage who will eventually use it against her. HERE COMES MY STROKE.

So Kelly says, "Alright. I'll tell you. Ross Weber was this godly stud on the football team who I had a hopeless crush on in the 9^th grade." And Amanda, clever girl, says, "BNJ...Before Nose Job."

And now, get ready to slide down a wall with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a box of Kleenex in the other: "I was working the whole year at getting close to him; I started hanging out with the JV cheerleaders; going to all the games; just tagging along wherever he was gonna be. And one night, after some game, everybody was getting drunk except me and a bunch of us drove up to Mulholland. When we got there, Ross says he wants to take me to his favorite spot in the woods, and I'm so stupid, I think, wow, that would be a neat thing to do. But of course, when we get there, alls [!!!] he wants to do is have sex. He kept saying, 'C'mon, Kel. I know you want it. I know you want it, Kelly.' And I did. But not on the ground. He didn't even bring a blanket. It was over pretty quick and after that he took me home...and never talked to me again. Is that what you had in mind?"

And then she cries and cries, because obviously. And again, Jennie Garth is a really great crier. Look at those perfect mascara streaks! Also: NO ONE CAN BE BOTHERED TO GET UP AND CONSOLE KELLY, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING MONSTERS. For real, they all just sit there and watch her melt down. WHO? I...NO WORDS. THOUGHTS. THOUGHTS ONLY.

Do we honestly have to come back to this? I mean, really? Okay, so Steve and Brandon are at the police station, and the officer basically tells Steve that he let Trina drive the car, she had his permission, so no crime was committed. So he says that they can wait forty-eight hours and if it's not back by then, he can file a report. THIS IS SO DAMN DULL.

Speaking of. AHHHHHHHHNdrea is up way past her normal 8 PM bedtime, and ready to be grilled. First up, the best line of the episode...from Amanda (no, seriously): "Why does everybody call you 'AHHHHHHHHNdrea'?" and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Excuse me?" and Amanda, still awesome, says, "What, are you British? I mean, 'AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea'?" and then I died LAUGHING. But then Kelly, who is apparently STILL FRIENDS WITH AMANDA AND JUST FINE AND DANDY WITH THE FACT THAT SHE, AMANDA FORCED HER TO SHARE HER DATE RAPE STORY, WHAT. THE. FUCK, says, "It is pretty pretentious." Like, Kelly, you are a worthless snatch. But AHHHHHHHHNdrea is also a worthless snatch because she says, "It's pronounced both ways. But, Anne-drea is, uh, I don't know, it's a little boring and common. I like to be different," like, wouldn't you just pronounce your name as how your parents named you? Like, my name is Carly, pronounced Car-lee, but I'm not all, "Oh, I like to pronounce my name Care-lee." SERIOUSLY. AHHHHHHHHHNDREA WORKS MY LAST NERVE. ALWAYS.

So AHHHHHHHHNdrea wants to be through, but Amanda's having none of that and asks if AHHHHHHHNdrea has ever had sex, and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea says, "That's really personal," like, DUH, that's what the game's about.

So AHHHHHHHHNdrea's all squirmy-wormy and says that no, she's never had sex, and then Kelly's all, "Well, if you could sleep with any guy in school, who would it be?" and AHHHHHHHHNdrea gets all flustered, and Kelly asks, "Brandon?" and AHHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "No. Not Brandon. No, it you know it would have to be Hans Fleschman [WHAT??? Is this the guy she dated back in The Old Country before the war? Nice name, Hans]; he is this incredibly gorgeous lifeguard who pulled me out of the water when I was stung by a jellyfish at Zuma Beach last summer."

And Kelly is just really terrible, you guys, like, you'd think she'd learn from her own horrifying experience earlier in the evening that maybe people don't want to blab their personal business to everyone, like, say, ABOUT BEING FUCKING DATE-RAPED, but then she gets all sarcastic and shitty with AHHHHHHHHNdrea, saying, "Sure, AHHHHHNdrea, we believe you." Like, way to attempt to strong-arm a confession out of her, LIKE AMANDA DID WITH YOU. And AHHHHHHHNdrea reiterates that it's not Brandon, and Amanda, who we've never even SEEN lurking around the corridors of West Bev says, "Wait a second: is this the same guy you're always walking around the halls with, batting your big cow eyes at? Everyday? Get a life, AHHHHHNdrea! The whole school knows. Not that they care." And, AGAIN, KELLY IS JUST THE WORST AND SAYS, "It's true." How anyone likes the Kelly character is beyond me, honestly. Fine, she's pretty, etc. (actually, "pretty" is about it) but she's truly a fucking shit-bag of a friend. Like, her and Brandon shouldn't have called off their wedding because THEY'RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER. ANYway, blah blah AHHHHHHHHNdrea admits she wants to bone Brandon blah, everyone's an asshole.

BACK TO THIS. Nice...horrifying color combination there, Brandon. You are serious white trash. So, Steve wants Brandon to call Cindy to come and get them because Cindy won't hit him. Unlike Samantha Sanders, I guess? I never realized she was a child abuser. That kind of explains Steve's deplorable...everything.

So the police officer is all, "Hey, kid! Your license plate number I8A4RE?" AND SATAN TAKE ME AWAY. So Steve confirms, and then this poor actor has to say it again: "We just picked up two girls breaking a hundred, no I.D., driving a charcoal Corvette, vanity plate I8A4RE."

Like, ONLY GODDAMN STEVE could have a vanity plate as mortifying as that. Anyway, he and Brandon kick it Opening Credits Style and whatever. This is so, so done. Except not really.

Back at the Walshes: Donna's up. But she has no secrets; she tells her friends everything. Brenda asks who Donna likes and Kelly butts in with, "Greg Houseman, you know that. She never stops talking about him," and these people are all just super-dreadful friends who don't listen. So they continue to grill Donna, and then Amanda Peyser, who thinks she's Amanda Woodward or something, says, "You know what your problem is, Donna?"

And Donna gives her this great look and says, "What?" And Amanda is all, "Your life is totally boring. Anyone who can't dredge up one secret about themselves is either lying, or a total zero."

And Brenda jumps to Donna's defense, all, "That is not true!" And then this is so stupid, Amanda says, "Why? What are you hiding, Brrrenda?" like, she honestly said it like that, all "brrrrrrrr" and FUCKING DRIVE OFF A CLIFF AMANDA AND TAKE YOUR GROSS KERNEL-TEETH WITH YOU. And Brenda says she's not hiding anything, and then Amanda says, "Really? That's not what I hear," and WHAT THE CHRIST WOULD THIS BITCH HAVE HEARD??? She didn't even know Brenda before this night. It's not real life, you say? Thank you for the clarification.

THE NEVER-ENDING STORY LINE. Holy Moses, look at Trina's outfit. She is...Kelly's Bundy's long lost sister, I think. And Shelly...well, actually, I saw a hipster wearing similar jeans to hers the other day. But that doesn't make it right. Moving on...

So Steve's all pissed, but the girls give him some song and dance about getting lost and heading back to the parking lot and not finding them and THANK GOD BRANDON'S THERE (never thought I'd say that) because he says, "Oh, spare me! Do you really think we believe that story?" like, GO BRANDON.

But because Steve's microscopic brain resides in his microscopic penis, he basically tells Brandon to shut up and the officer to let the ladies go. But! Trina has an outstanding warrant for a speeding ticket and no money to pay for it! GEE. Do you think Steve will pay for it with the hope that she will reimburse him in blowjobs?

Brandon, who applied some more Blush-And-Bashful rouge to his cheeks, does not like this turn of events.

I AM OVER THIS. Kelly asks, "Brenda, what is the most completely outrageous thing you've ever done?" And Brenda responds with, "I went with a bunch of my friends last summer down to the lake, and a few of the guys decided to go skinny dipping," and AHHHHHNdrea asks if she also skinny dipped, and Brenda says, "No! They were just trying to get us to take off our bathing suits. So instead, we took theirs."

And Stupid Amanda is all, "How outrageous!" And Brenda roundhouse kicks her in the face. Only not. But she does say, "Why don't you just shut up!"

So Amanda puts on this smarmy face, like I would leap across the room and throttle her, and says, "Ooo, did I hit a nerve?" And Brenda states the obvious with, "No, it's just that you've been acting like a total bitch since the minute you got here." And Amanda wants to know if there are any shameless secrets from Brenda's past, and why is anyone still talking to Amanda? Like, she should've been kicked to the curb about three hours ago. She is awful, and seriously NO ONE would put up with her deranged shit. NO ONE. Get Cindy downstairs to politely ask her to get the fuck out and don't come back.

ANYway, Brenda launches into her confession: "Back in Minneapolis, my best friend was Marjorie [her friend was apparently 87] Miller. And, she was going out with Jim [ew! That's her dad's name!] Townsend, who I thought was really, really cute. So once we were at this party, and Jim and I were alone, we were outside or something, and somehow, we started kissing. Of course I liked it. When Marjorie heard about it that night she called me really late, it woke up the whole house and she was crying, she was hysterical. She kept saying 'How could you do that to me, Brenda? How could you do that?' And the part I hate to think about is that I know why I did it: I did it to break them up." And I guess we're supposed to remember this after Kelly's Betrayal Of Brenda a little over a year from now, like, oh, Brenda did it too. Kelly's not so bad. WHICH IS FALSE. So AHHHHHHHHHNdrea asks if Brenda and Marjorie were ever friends again, and Brenda says that they were, but it wasn't the same.

And then here comes Brenda's twenty-ninth clue that Kelly is a self-involved pig-dog of a friend: "Brenda, I have a confession to make to you...after you started going out with Dylan, I tried to get a date with him," like, can you imagine??? Your supposed "best friend" attempts to get a date with your boyfriend??? I mean, I guess this is just a really obvious foreshadowing of what's to come during the Summer Of Deception. But MY GOD. Kelly is just not, not good. At all. And then she apparently attempts to make excuses for her appalling behavior all, "Brenda, I have always liked him, and he was flirting with me all last year before you moved here," and OH, SO THAT MAKES IT OKAY? WISH I POSSESSED YOUR MAD REASONING SKILLZ, TWAT.

So Brenda is PISSED. Obviously. And asks if Kelly ever went out with Dylan, and Kelly says no. And Brenda is a badass and says, "Well obviously he wasn't interested," like, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Too bad it won't stay that way. WHATEVER.

And then Kelly has the GALL to get upset, saying, "Okay, Brenda. I get the picture. I was just trying to be honest, but you know, I thought after what you said, you would understand," like, UNDERSTAND WHAT??? Which is basically what Brenda says: "What, understand that you were putting the moves on my boyfriend?"

And Kelly, AGAIN THE WORST WHAT'S NEW, deflects blame (THIS WILL BE A PATTERN FOR HER FOR OH-SO-MANY SEASONS TO COME) and gets shitty with Brenda, all, "You know, ever since you started going out with Dylan you have developed this side of your personality that is completely unbearable." UM. I. CAN'T. I...DON'T KNOW. AND, SPLASH! THE BACK OF MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED AND SPLATTERED AGAINST THE WALL. And Brenda asks Donna if it's true, and I hate Donna as she says, "Well, you have become a little stuck up," and THANK GOD BRENDA'S THERE TO REMIND THESE TWO DINGBATS, "Me? You and Kelly are two of the most stuck up people I've ever met in my life!" FUCKING FOR REAL, YOU GUYS. 

And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea...with a comb-over? Is like, "I came here to bond. With our vaginas. But you're all gossip-mongers. Peace out." And Kelly and Donna are going to follow suit, but Brenda reminds everyone that Amanda hasn't been in the circle yet, and DUH, Amanda's not going in the circle; she says she would never tell them anything private about her life. Which...I kind of agree. Especially in the company of high school girls. Because those bitches are spiteful.

And then Kelly says that she wishes she hadn't shared, and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea agrees, like, WHATEVER, AHHHHHHHHNDREA. YOURS WAS A BIG, FAT BORE ANYWAY. IN CONCLUSION: AS AMANDA SAID, NO ONE CARES. But Brenda approaches Kelly and is all, "Kelly, no. I'm glad you did. What happened to you was a terrible thing. And I'm glad you told us."

And Kelly says, "And I guess it's nice to know that you're really not so perfect after all...Brenda, I'm sorry. I would never try and steal Dylan from you," and to that I say, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Skank." And Poor Brenda says, "Hey, I lost one best friend because of some stupid guy; I'm not gonna lose two," and that is just so, so untrue, but who the fuck would want to be friends with Kelly anyway? GROSS.

And then Kelly has the decency to apologize for calling AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea pretentious, and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea apologizes for calling them gossipy, and Kelly says that she is sometimes, and you're a whole hell of a lot more than just "gossipy," you piece.

And then Donna goes back to being sort of-charming and says, "Well, I'm sorry for not having more problems. But I plan to, and when I do, I'm going to need your shoulders to cry on." And believe me, this bitch is gonna need a shoulder to cry on 24/7.

So everyone hugs, except for Amanda, obviously, and she hits the skids with her crunchy hair and repulsive jeans. BYE AMANDA GO DIE.

So then the girls notice she's gone, and Not Reformed Gossip Kelly is all, "Good riddance," and AHHHHHHHNdrea notices that she left her purse behind, and Donna goes to get it to throw it out the window when...

OH MY GOD A BUNCH OF DEXATRIM FALLS OUT OF HER BAG I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Except that I totally did, and you did, too, since I mentioned it near the beginning of the episode. ANYway, because Kelly has so much experience dealing with drug addicts, she lays down the Real Talk: "Take too many of these and PMS starts to look like a vacation."

And Amanda comes back in to retrieve her forgotten purse, and she is MAD. And she accuses everyone of going through her stuff. And Kelly says, "Amanda, when's the last time you ate? My mom used to pop these like candy [OF COURSE SHE DID]. They kill your appetite and murder your personality...why are you doing this to yourself?" And then Amanda delves into her Poor Little Probably-Rich Girl Woe Is Me routine: "Look, I'm just not lucky enough to be born as beautiful as you. I've gotta work at it, alright?" I bet she has some shitty diarrhea people for parents too. And Kelly tells Amanda that she is beautiful, and Amanda says that she was fat and she swore she'd never be that size again. Oh, and this gem: "God, guys don't go for fat chicks, everybody knows that." I hope Amanda has dozens of daughters to bestow her knowledge upon.

And then Kelly actually gives good advice for once in her existence and says, "I'm not saying you have to be fat. But why don't you just relax and be whoever you're gonna be, without all these pills." Healthy At Every Size, Mandy. Look it up. (Also: too bad Kelly won't remember this little pep talk when she's passing out from too many diet pills in The Peach Pit bathroom on her birthday in a couple of years.)

And Amanda's all, "My skeleton's out; I used to be fat and now I'm thin. And I'm a bitch," and, THAT'S NO SECRET, AMANDA. AT ALL. And then she goes to leave, THANK GOD, but for some reason Brenda wants her to stay, all, "Amanda, please don't go...I want you to stay here with the rest of us," like, WHY BRENDA WHY?

And Amanda agrees to stay, and Donna goes to get cookies from the kitchen, and Amanda, cured of her eating disorder JUST LIKE THAT first asks Donna to bring her a couple cookies, then suggests she bring the whole box. GLAD A YEARS-LONG EATING DISORDER CAN BE RESOLVED WITHIN THE SPAN OF THREE MINUTES. I hope young girls watching this realize just how easy it is!

FUUUUUUUUUCK. I feel you, Brandon. I feel you. So. Trina is giving Steve her number, or so he thinks, and he asks her out for the following night and she says that's fine, and GO AWAY RANDOM TRICKS.

So then Steve reads the paper all, "This certificate good for one deluxe manicure at Trina's Nails. Hey, this is wasn't what I had in mind about making it up to me! What happened tonight, Brandon? I thought we had it wired with those girls." And Brandon fills Steve in for the seventeenth time that night that they got scammed. Oh, but he had a blast. And Steve said it beats a slumber party, and then gives the coupon to Brandon to give to Brenda and that was nice. Also: WHAT TIME IS IT? I mean, it seems like centuries ago, Amanda was complaining that it was after midnight, and these goons are still out on the town? I...don't think Jim and Cindy would allow that. I think the latest I was allowed to stay out at 16 was 12 AM. What's that? Oh, once again, THIS ISN'T REAL LIFE? My bad.

So Brandon gets home at like, 5 AM (I assume) and probably pops a boner over all the ladies (geriatric and not) in his living room, and he pretty much says as much all, "Most guys would die to be in this room," and please don't beat off, Brandon. Please.

And then these two have some pointless conversation about their respective evenings and blah blah END THE SHOW blah, Brandon heads upstairs and says his goodnights and Kelly's all, "'Night, John Boy," and remember when that was funny? In like, 1975? Yeah. Me neither. FIN.


Join me back here next time for YET A-GODDAMN-NOTHER Brandon-Episode, "East Side Story." He's kind of a dick-bag, but he's also dealing with another mental patient girlfriend-type (this time she's Latino!) so I kind of don't blame him. WHEN DID I BECOME A BRANDON APOLOGIST SOMEONE CALL THE RAP LINE NOW.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.