Sunday, March 27, 2016

Season 2, Episode 19: Fire And Ice - I Will Deduce From This Title That Brandon Dates Another Emerging Arsonist Who Also Sculpts Ice? On The Side? Am I Even Close? Even Though I Already Know What The Title Refers To, Given That I've Seen This One Approximately 317 x 1,000 Times?

In which Brandon enters into a snoozy romance with the next Katarina Witt or whoever. (1980's womens' figure skating? Anyone? Just me?) And Brenda's story line is nearly as offensively boring, until Our Cindy shows up in a turban and schools PLANET EARTH on the finer points of a little thing called glamour.  Let's go.


IMMEEEEEEEDIATELY we're on an ice rink, and the camera angle is between someone's skates.  There's someone who's supposed to be Jim but totally doesn't sound like Jim yelling things like, "Keep the pressure on, gentlemen," etc., from the side...lines? Rink? Oval?  Jim/Someone also says, "Brandon, let's see some teamwork here," because they, too, know Brandon's a self-absorbed twerp.

A puck is fired into the goal and the goalie stops it.  Is that Brandon? I'm already so bored.

So then these two erotically grope each other up against the glass.  Brandon: "Keep your head up, buddy." Dylan: "All right, man, you're gonna die now," an outcome I'm all for, by the way.  Brandon, smuggy and smug and fuck, I hate him so, SO much, as usual, is all, "You gotta catch me first." Catch you on fire? Sounds good to me.

Then there's a puck drop, which I guess it sort of like a tip-off in basketball? I don't know.  I've already yawned 57 times and we're just under 2 minutes into this thing.

So here's Jim, who is the one who's been yelling this whole time, even though it was like an auto-tune accompanied version of his voice up until this point.

This Sweet Ghee-Tar jam starts playing as some SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPER Serious Hockey Action starts up.

The camera focuses on Brandon so that we can be witness to his Mad Ice Hockey Skillz, Eh.

More Jim, wearing an ugly Christmas Sweater he must've picked up last episode and a whistle around his neck, all butch-like.

Shot of Steve as the goalie; he's going around in circles because his hair looks like a cockapoo's and that's what dog's generally do before they lie down: they twirl around.

Action Shot of a bunch of players jumping the wall onto the ice.

Brandon, meanwhile, breaks away and ends up scoring on Steve.  That is not a euphemism.


He does this conceited piece of shit maneuver with his arms all up in the air like, "Am I great or what?" His teammates skate up to congratulate him, rather than kicking him to death as I would have.


Jim: "All right, men, that's it! Come on guys, clear the ice!" Stop trying to be alpha, Jim.


Brandon skids? up and his father calls him, "hot dog." I'm going to assume that was Jim's sly way of calling his son a dick.  I see you, Jim.


Brandon goes to save Steve from himself and the ice but first stops to talk to Dylan about hockey and surfing and nobody cares.


Over to Steve.  He's made it to the glass, which he's clutching for dear life, and is inching his way along, telling Brandon, "This is nothing like roller skating." Brandon asks who said it was and Steve's all, "Wayne Gretzky." Jason Priestley then pops a massive, maple syrup-drizzled Woodrow at the sound of another Canadian's name.