Sunday, January 26, 2014

Season 2; Episode 2: The Party Fish - My Idea Of Hell On Earth? A Horrifyingly-Titled, Brandon-Fronted Episode Where Steve Gets To Say A Lot Of Words And Brandish His Increasingly Worrisome Chest.

In which I'd like to welcome my new readers! There's been a bit of a bump in views these past few weeks, and I'd like to shout out to Rach, who somehow found my blog (probably when I had that gun against her head and told her to type "" into the browser, whatever) and then mentioned it on THE MOST AMAZING SITE YOU WILL EVER HAVE THE PLEASURE OF READING, NO I'M NOT EXAGGERATING, Full House Reviewed.  For real-reals you guys, this is the funniest shit you will EVER read.  As the tagline says, it's every episode of Full House reviewed in chronological order, but in the most vulgar, amazing way possible.  ANYWAY, Rach is a follower of that blog, and mentioned my little old waste-of-time-and-sanity in the comments section of one of the posts there.  A few other readers took pity and came by for a visit, and they're apparently a bunch of masochists because they've stuck around and started weeding through the archives! Also: A special thanks to Teebore, who has left far-more-insightful-than-my-own comments on several of my posts.  Thank you for making sense of my diarrhea-laced rants and then intelligently sharing your thoughts.  So now...onto the show, which is kind of a bummer, as I'd much rather discuss ANYTHING ELSE.  Why, you inquire? Because this is the one where Brandon wants to stick it in some 33-year-old BHBC waitress, but then he realizes that She Has A Secret, which is that she's currently riding the dick of some cokey-vibed beach club member who takes a really weird and spooky interest in Brandon getting a car.  Although my theory is: dude's a pimp and thinks that Brandon's baby blues and dimples will look really fetching in some Rough Trade while selling his "goods" (if he has any...which he doesn't) on Hollywood Blvd.  WHERE WAS I? Oh, fuck it.  Whatever.  Read on.

We open on the House Of Walsh.

In the kitchen, Jim asks, "What time does your express bus leave?" and Brandon, all Put Upon and Sad-Sacky (YES, FUCKING AGAIN) tells his father, "6:30," even though it's CLEARLY 10 AM outside. So because Jim doesn't want to be around Brandon any more than any of the rest of us do, he says, "You better get goin’."

So Brandon gets up all grunty and whatever, and Jim's all, "What's with you?" And I interject, "He's a piece of shit," but no one listens to me, and then Brandon tells him, "Job burnout," AND WHAT THE HOLY MOTHER-FUCK IT'S BEEN A WEEK.  And THANK MOSES Jim's there to agree with me and advise this monstrosity, "After one week?" and THANK YOU, JIM. Also: I kind of like Jim this episode.  Kind of how I liked him in the “It’s Only A Test” episode.  But just like that one, I’ll be sporting a major hate Woodrow for him at the end of this episode.  My feelings toward Jim are very schizophrenic.  I...don’t know. So Brandon, who thinks he's been working with radioactive materials or in a goddamn coal mine or something, says, "It’s the toughest job I ever had, Dad." So unlike mine, Jim's head does not detonate (that's two episodes in a row for me, if you're keeping track) and tells his WANKER son, "Spending your day at the beach doesn’t sound all that difficult," and SEEEEEEERIOUSLY, Jim's my boyfriend right now. Only not because that's a really unpleasant thought. And because I said it, I now need to go bathe myself in a tub full of flesh-eating ants and asbestos.

So then because Brandon is The Worst, Always And Eternally, he puts on this smarm-face and tells his father, "But you have no idea what my day is like.  I’m the first one there in the morning, practically the last one to leave at night, I’m so busy all day the only way I know I’m at the beach is because my shoes are full of sand." Or because the fucking Pacific Ocean is RIGHT THERE, MORON. So Jim informs him that there's no free lunch and that, "You get what you pay for in this world," and than Brandon HONESTLY TO GOODNESS SAYS, "Ah, but you see, if you were to pay for oh, let’s say, half of what my car cost, I could quit and actually pretend it’s summer." WHATWHATWHAT??? I mean...THE GAUL. THE NERVE. Like, the self-entitlement on this one is just beyond reproach. Jim and Cindy should just bag him up, take him down to the Los Angeles River, drown him and call it a damn day. Which is basically what Jim implies he's going to do when he tells him, "Have a nice day, Brandon," but in a really monotone, "fuck you, slut" kind of a way. Jim is my Forever Temporary Homie.

Friday, January 17, 2014


I am drinking champagne and watching Pretty In Pink with my multiple cats (c'mon - like 90% of you didn't already think that I have cats surrounding my person at all times, including the ones I routinely throw at passersby) and contemplating recapping movies (such as PIP) in addition to my regular BH, 90210 duties.  Just a thought.  Because sometimes, coming up with new ways to call Brandon Walsh a mother-fucking piece of shit douche-bag monster cock is a chore and a half.  And while I LOVE Pretty In Pink, for example, there is a lot of heinous clothing and horrible acting and embarrassment that comes with it.  I don't know.  Perhaps making decisions while in a haze of Barefoot Moscato Spumante and In-N-Out is not the best idea.  We'll see how I feel in the morning when I'm hungover and "If You Leave" won't fucking LEEEEEEAVE my auditory cortex. RIM SHOT FOR THE CHEAP SEATS! 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Season 2 (FUCKING FINALLY); Episode 1 - Beach Blanket Brandon: This Is The Most Asinine Title For An Episode Ever And I Hate Myself With The Fire Of A Thousand Suns For Having Typed It Out. Also: Having Brandon’s Name In The Title Does Not Bode Well. FOR THE WORLD.

In which...NEW OPENING SEQUENCE.  Which I never addressed from the first season because BOOOOOOOooooring and it was just clips from some of the season's super-compelling episodes.  And by "super compelling episodes," I of course mean "suicide inducing, 3/4-hours that I will never get back." This new one also includes scenes from Season 1, but it's mostly a lot of the kids plus AHHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve beaching around, wearing sunglasses and looking "sexy" (in quotes for everyone minus Brenda and Dylan) and mischievous.  Also: I might not be lying when I tell you that this version of the theme song? Is my ringtone.  Let's do this.

So we start off with some distorted images of the gang.  Which is only exaggerating Luke Perry's receding hairline.


Unfortunately for the human race, "the gang" now includes David.  Here we see him doing the 1991 version of a photo/video-bomb at this classic moment in the opening when the synthesizer/electric drum comes in with the little clap-clap sound just as Brandon pretend-punches Dylan's chin.  I wish Dylan had, in turn, non-pretend kicked Brandon to death.  In case you couldn't have guessed it, I hate Smarm Douche Brandon Face.  Also: This shot is raping our eyes with all of its blue-on-blue-on-blue tones.

And then everyone gets together and I'm going to EAT Brenda's dress.  Donna's foul matching, velour-looking crop-top and genital revealing leggings? NOT AT ALL.  Kelly's dress is the same as what she wears later in the episode, so we'll get to it.  Also: Who let the two people CLEARLY in their mid-40s into this photoshoo...oh. Wait. Sorry, Steve and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea.


Shot of the guys right before Brandon pushes his surfboard over.  WHY DO YOU THINK I USED THIS STILL? And then Steve and his 41-year-old bare chest with like, liver spots in it, homo-erotically grab all the other dudes.

Yes, we're "In Stereo" here. We're also in love with Brenda's PERFECTION of an outfit.  Kelly's, whatever.



We'll get to my utter detestation of men in tank tops later, but I'll allow this because Dylan, Dylan's Wayfarers and Dylan's sideburns.

We'll get to my utter detestation of Brandon later (AS ALWAYS), but I won't allow this because Brandon, Brandon's errant strands of hair and Brandon's OCTOGONAL shaped shades.  Also: this is from "Wild Fire," a few episodes down the line.  Brandon's having a dream about three chicks coming onto him.  Which sounds like The Laugh-Out-Loud Comedy Of The Year if you ask me.

And now we start in on the famed individual shots of the cast.  Which will be how the show will introduce them FOR THE REMAINDER OF TIME.  John Aboud and Michael Colton do an AH.MAY.ZINGly hilarious spoof of the credits which is a part of their "Everything You Need To Know About Beverly Hills, 90210" bits that they contributed to the Season 2 and 3 dvd sets.  I've included it below, and honestly, you'll most certainly just want to watch it over and over and over rather than continuing on with this muck. Anyway.

Seriously, don't read anymore.  It's embarrassing after watching this.

ANYhow, we move onto another classic shot.  Oh, AHHHHHHNdrea.  You and your sensible beach attire.  Also, Steve? GET OUT OF THE SUN.

Next up: Shannen Doherty's puckery little...whatever.  Her hair doesn't look all that great here.

Jennie Garth looks very pretty, even with her Totally Early-'90s Bangs.

Up next: This shot of Steve, Steve's Little Shorts, Dylan, Dylan's Peewee Waist, David and David's Hopefully Crushed Skull after Dylan comes down on it with his knee.



Nice styling on Gabrielle Cateris, Styling Team. Ya jerks.

Next: A shot of Luke Perry's stunt double from the "Green Room" episode.

Then Luke Perry, seducing us with...this.  And yes, it took me an hour to make this gif.  And yes, I hate myself a little more every day.


OH GOD and then he "dances." Go ahead - I'll wait while you go make yourself a hydrogen peroxide-and-ricin smoothie.

Was anyone here a David Gal-or-Guy? Just curious.  Because, DEEP SWALLOW, Steve might be a more appealing choice than David.  STEVE.  Because per this still right here, I'm guessing NO ONE EVER was a David Gal-or-Guy.  Because LOOK.

Donna, serving up some Come-Hither Freshness.

And then this very strange moment where Dylan sniffs Donna's hair, David is a WASTE OF LIFE and Steve's coming at them with his 41-year-old obliques.

More Sex Mouth, although it mostly just looks like she's got a stuffy nose.

Mom Hair from Carol Potter.

And finally we have a Knowing Look and a Fatherly Chuckle from James Eckhouse.


Cute-ish hand-shake thing from Donna and Brenda, with Dylan looking on all handsome.  And then there's Steve, David and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who all should've exited stage whatever when Brandon and Kelly did.

Less cute-ish hand-shake thing between these two, but only because Steve.

And then this happens and I really hope Dylan's actually giving Steve the bird, as someone should do to Steve every damn time he opens his mouth or breathes.