Season 2; Episode 2: The Party Fish - My Idea Of Hell On Earth? A Horrifyingly-Titled, Brandon-Fronted Episode Where Steve Gets To Say A Lot Of Words And Brandish His Increasingly Worrisome Chest.

In which I'd like to welcome my new readers! There's been a bit of a bump in views these past few weeks, and I'd like to shout out to Rach, who somehow found my blog (probably when I had that gun against her head and told her to type "modcam1923.blogspot.com" into the browser, whatever) and then mentioned it on THE MOST AMAZING SITE YOU WILL EVER HAVE THE PLEASURE OF READING, NO I'M NOT EXAGGERATING, Full House Reviewed.  For real-reals you guys, this is the funniest shit you will EVER read.  As the tagline says, it's every episode of Full House reviewed in chronological order, but in the most vulgar, amazing way possible.  ANYWAY, Rach is a follower of that blog, and mentioned my little old waste-of-time-and-sanity in the comments section of one of the posts there.  A few other readers took pity and came by for a visit, and they're apparently a bunch of masochists because they've stuck around and started weeding through the archives! Also: A special thanks to Teebore, who has left far-more-insightful-than-my-own comments on several of my posts.  Thank you for making sense of my diarrhea-laced rants and then intelligently sharing your thoughts.  So now...onto the show, which is kind of a bummer, as I'd much rather discuss ANYTHING ELSE.  Why, you inquire? Because this is the one where Brandon wants to stick it in some 33-year-old BHBC waitress, but then he realizes that She Has A Secret, which is that she's currently riding the dick of some cokey-vibed beach club member who takes a really weird and spooky interest in Brandon getting a car.  Although my theory is: dude's a pimp and thinks that Brandon's baby blues and dimples will look really fetching in some Rough Trade while selling his "goods" (if he has any...which he doesn't) on Hollywood Blvd.  WHERE WAS I? Oh, fuck it.  Whatever.  Read on.

We open on the House Of Walsh.

In the kitchen, Jim asks, "What time does your express bus leave?" and Brandon, all Put Upon and Sad-Sacky (YES, FUCKING AGAIN) tells his father, "6:30," even though it's CLEARLY 10 AM outside. So because Jim doesn't want to be around Brandon any more than any of the rest of us do, he says, "You better get goin’."

So Brandon gets up all grunty and whatever, and Jim's all, "What's with you?" And I interject, "He's a piece of shit," but no one listens to me, and then Brandon tells him, "Job burnout," AND WHAT THE HOLY MOTHER-FUCK IT'S BEEN A WEEK.  And THANK MOSES Jim's there to agree with me and advise this monstrosity, "After one week?" and THANK YOU, JIM. Also: I kind of like Jim this episode.  Kind of how I liked him in the “It’s Only A Test” episode.  But just like that one, I’ll be sporting a major hate Woodrow for him at the end of this episode.  My feelings toward Jim are very schizophrenic.  I...don’t know. So Brandon, who thinks he's been working with radioactive materials or in a goddamn coal mine or something, says, "It’s the toughest job I ever had, Dad." So unlike mine, Jim's head does not detonate (that's two episodes in a row for me, if you're keeping track) and tells his WANKER son, "Spending your day at the beach doesn’t sound all that difficult," and SEEEEEEERIOUSLY, Jim's my boyfriend right now. Only not because that's a really unpleasant thought. And because I said it, I now need to go bathe myself in a tub full of flesh-eating ants and asbestos.

So then because Brandon is The Worst, Always And Eternally, he puts on this smarm-face and tells his father, "But you have no idea what my day is like.  I’m the first one there in the morning, practically the last one to leave at night, I’m so busy all day the only way I know I’m at the beach is because my shoes are full of sand." Or because the fucking Pacific Ocean is RIGHT THERE, MORON. So Jim informs him that there's no free lunch and that, "You get what you pay for in this world," and than Brandon HONESTLY TO GOODNESS SAYS, "Ah, but you see, if you were to pay for oh, let’s say, half of what my car cost, I could quit and actually pretend it’s summer." WHATWHATWHAT??? I mean...THE GAUL. THE NERVE. Like, the self-entitlement on this one is just beyond reproach. Jim and Cindy should just bag him up, take him down to the Los Angeles River, drown him and call it a damn day. Which is basically what Jim implies he's going to do when he tells him, "Have a nice day, Brandon," but in a really monotone, "fuck you, slut" kind of a way. Jim is my Forever Temporary Homie.

Cut to: BHBC, where we get a lot of the same shots that we saw in the last episode, including this guy:

Who, contrary to what his VISOR advises, is not "Too Hot" for anything.

We cut over to paddle tennis courts, where Brandon has somehow managed to lift those big, heavy table umbrellas with his angel hair pasta-sized arms.

And here we have one of the geezers who's currently balls deep in a game, one Jerry Rattinger.  If you hadn't already guessed, since this still here reeks of razor blades, hand mirrors and Jackie Taylor, this is the guy I referred to in my opening as "cokey-vibed." So because this scene has all the excitement of a Friday night at the Zuckerman House, let me just tell you that Jerry and this other grandpa...

...whose name we eventually find out is Edgar (and who has not so much of a cokey vibe as a "beach hobo who wandered up from his blue tarp house on the edge of the boardwalk" vibe), are arguing over a shot being in or out and fuck, WHO CARES.

So then Brandon butts his ass-kiss nose into it and tells everyone that the shot was in, thereby handing the game to Jerry Rattinger.  Wow.  I'm so excited for a plot line surrounding a guy who obviously has a nose candy habit, who we've never seen before, and who we'll never see again.  Hope I don't get too invested in his character (don't worry, I won't).

So then Jerry, who's apparently been playing the game in his dingy underwear, tells Brandon, "And envelope of twenties will be waiting for you at the front desk," which is your first clue that this Jerry guy is attempting to recruit Brandon into some international Pretty-Boy Prostitution Ring.

So then Worthless Henry comes up, and I've decided to call him that because I was thinking about it (yes, I think about this show a lot, like, all the live long day PLEASE HELP ME) and I realized that Henry is basically Black Summer Nat.  He's says kind of weirdly innuendo-y things at times; he loves Brandon for reasons only known to the Antichrist, and he seems to mostly walk around Having Moments with Brandon and extolling useless advice.  So, congratulations, Worthless Henry, for filling the Worthless Void left by Worthless Nat for two summer's worth of episodes.  What this show really needed was another adult in the mix who NO ONE cared about.  So yes, Worthless Henry comes up and asks who won, and Jerry, suddenly pantsless, is all conceited and asks, "Who always wins?" and Hobo Joe Edgar says, "Who always cheats?" and oooo! Intrigue! I think this is a clever foreshadowing for how this episode's plot will play out.  And by "clever," I of course mean, "I'd seriously rather write about Steve SAUNders and his ruby-colored moobs than deal with this pointless, bowel movement of a story line."

So then up comes Sandy, who's apparently a waitress at the BHBC and who's also undoubtedly my age, and she's all, "Tell 'em, Edgar." So then Jerry stops having hallucinations for a second (his last gram of blow was laced with LSD) and tells Brandon, "Whoa.  Whoa.  Listen, for the record, would you please tell Ms. Cynical what you saw?"

So Brandon, immediately Falling In Love with Sandy as he does with every goddamn female who appears on this show, including his sister, informs her that Jerry's shot was in, and Worthless Henry pipes in to baselessly sing Brandon's praises, all, "I told you Brandon was a quick study," and if that line right there doesn't convince you that Henry's the Black Summer Nat, I don't know what will. So then this gal who probably MOST FUCKING CERTAINLY has a bunch of baggage and drama-rama in her life, turns to Brandon and flirts, "Well you never told me he was so cute." First of all: NOOOOOoooo. I realize Sandy's all in her mid-thirties and worried about her eggs drying up and whatever, but NO NO NO NO NO. Don't go there, Sand. And secondly: Can you imagine if this was a male employee saying that shit to an underage female employee??? Like, if Brenda was working somewhere and some old dude started spouting off like this? It would seriously have been A Very Special Episode and the guy would've been verbally (and possibly literally) castrated...which, now that I'm thinking about it, that scenario does play out. Over the course of a few episodes in the vast wasteland of Beverly Hills, 90210 known as Season 8. Kelly works at some free clinic and the old married doctor there starts hitting on her and hypocrisy ensues. WHATEVER. I'll get to that one, in about 27 years, and by that time 99% of you will have stopped reading, because Seasons 8, 9 and 10 are basically the oily excrement floating at the top of the septic tank that is civilization.

So then  Jerry thanks Worthless Henry, and Worthless Henry's all, "Thank you, Mr. Rattinger," and then WINKS at Brandon, like, if Worthless Nat wouldn't have done the exact same thing, I just don't know what. So everyone disburses and Henry and Sandy get back to their damn jobs, and Edgar heads back to his boardwalk shanty town, and Brandon, looking to lick Jerry's taint some more, asks, "Are you Jerry Ratinger, the sports promoter?" And Jerry, who you think is all sweaty and glistening from his paddle tennis game, but who's actually just suffering from the Coke Sweats, looks at Brandon like this and says, "Guilty as charged." And then OF COURSE because Los Angeles is so quaint and everyone knows everyone, it comes out that Jerry knows Jim, and out of nowhere we find out that Jim's thinking about joining the BHBC. I guess he really wants to spend his weekends out of town in the country, to get away from the hustle and bustle of Beverly Hills.

Cut over to the beach, and Brandon's spaghettini arms are somehow able to prop that chair-awning-thing up.  Dylan trudges up, fresh from the ocean, and asks, "Hey stranger, what’s happening?" and Brandon asks how the surf was and Dylan's all, "Aw, ugly, flat, closed-out, other than that they’re pretty bitchin’." So then Brandon thinks about someone else for once in his pathetic life and asks, "So how you doin’ otherwise?" and Dylan tells him that "Henry's cool [Like Worthless Nat is cool?], let’s me park my board here, even though my dad’s not a member anymore," and I just CAN'T WAIT to really get into the Shitbag Dad Jack McKay story lines Season's 2 and 3 bring us. And by "I can't wait," I of course mean, "Seriously, let's talk about Steve."

So then Brandon says, "Yeah, Henry is cool," and then he spots Dumpy Sandy, carrying drinks to someone over on the deck area, but I'm completely distracted by the pumpkin-hued piece of trash wearing her Goodwill bin diaper-jorts bunched up around her rib cage with a leather strop she stole from the bed of one of her "gentlemen caller's" early model work truck after he passed out from too much Keystone Light and couldn't get it up one night.  What I'm trying to say is this chick is a radiant beauty who puts Sandy to shame.  But apparently not for Brandon, because he says that Sandy is also cool, and because this episode is evidently taking place on Opposite Day, Dylan adds, "No, Sandy is exquisite," and AM I MISSING SOMETHING??? I realize it's the early-'90s here, but were standards so low back then that Sandy was considered "exquisite"? Anyhow, Dylan also says, "Just don’t tell her I said so," whatever that means.

And then there's this long Bro Pause, and finally Brandon tells Dylan, "Listen, man, I’m sorry about you and Brenda," which, ME TOO, and Dylan tries to play it cool (he does a much better job than AHHHHHHHHNdrea ever has, FYI) and responds with, "Don’t worry about it, man.  Things happen, you know. Big Jimbo must be skyin' though," and AHAHAHAHAHA! That is hilarious even though the only thing "big" about Jim is his peanutty head. In conclusion: Jim's dick is not big. Also: "Skyin'" is my new favorite everything. Oh, Dylan. You and your hip, Cool Guy lingo. So then Brandon tells Dylan that he's welcome at House Of Walsh anytime, and Dylan politely says that he might just do that, even though we all know that he won't be coming over to hang out with Brandon, because really, who the fuck wants to hang out with Brandon?

Over to West Bev.

Hey look! It's another Throwaway Story about Brenda in her Garg-instructed drama class! How scintillating! Fuck, you guys.  I ULTRA-hate ALL OF THIS.  Why they didn't give Brenda a FAR more engrossing story line in this batch of Summer Episodes is truly beyond me.  Because this shit right here? Is hogwash.  Let me just sprint through it and then get back to the other really boring plot about Brandon And The Beverly Hills Beach Club Mistress.  Brenda and her classmates have to work on a memory? or something? that no one cares about, and Garg is all popping myriad Woodrows over the fact that it's Brenda's turn (because, see, he wants to have sex with her underage vagina) to discuss her memory, which is about being lost in a department store in Minnesota when she was a kid, because I guess parents are just as slipshod in Minneapolis as they are in Beverly Hills.  Oh, and she brought one of Cindy's unsightly winter coats in order to jog all of the elements of the memory and says, "All I really remember feeling was intense boredom." Oh, I'm sorry.  That's me.  I feel intense boredom.  Me.  Brenda said she felt "intense panic."

So because the writers didn't want to pen another non-interesting scene for this episode, where Brenda "remembers" or whatever, we THANK LUCIFER don't have to sit through it, and cut to the hallway after class, where Kelly has arrived to offer rides to the beach.  But it's still really lame as Brenda exposits that she couldn't really get into the memory exercise and that the whole thing felt really forced.  And yes: anything involving Garg does feel really forced.  Because that guy is an uggo WASTE OF LIFE.

So they wind up at someone's locker, and Kelly's skirt has some really trashy fringe on it, like her and the Nobody back at the BHBC could really start their own line of Truck Stop Strumpet Couture.  And Brenda declines Kelly's offer of going to the beach, telling her, "I’m gonna try and work on this sense memory stuff some more," and Kelly's all, "Gimme a break," and David pokes his stupid face and grating voice into the girls' conversation with, "No, it’s true Kelly.  A creative person can’t be afraid to follow his or her artistic impulses, no matter where they may take him or her," and then he scams a ride to the beach from her. Fascinating, I know.

So Donna, Kelly and Twerp David walk away and these two stand uncomfortably close and Brenda asks AHHHHHHHHNdrea what she's up to, and AHHHHHHHHNdrea replies, "Same as you - avoid going to the beach," and Brenda's all, "It’s that obvious, huh?" which AHHHHHHHNdrea agrees with, and then Brenda tells her, "I just feel that if I ran into Dylan I couldn’t deal with it.  I don’t know if I can be myself this summer without totally blowing it," which, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? and AHHHHHNdrea completely ignores what Brenda just shared and makes it All About Her (BOOOOOOooooring!) and all rando asks, "Brenda tell me, uh, has Brandon asked about me?" and instead of at first laughing and laughing and laughing and eventually catching her breath and wheezing out, "Fuck no," Brenda says nothing. Which is basically a really subtle way of doing all the things I just mentioned above.

More of this. Some more. Again.

So the BHBC staff is preparing some kind of BHBC Buffet for the Prospective Members Whatever later that night, and Brandon, Brown Nosing Status Climber, tells Sandy, "Great bunch of people at this club," and Sandy, Middle Aged Sclump Who's Seen It All, tells him, "Let me tell you something about the rich, Brandon: they’re different from you and me," because she doesn't know that she's actually talking to a rich, self-entitled, spoiled piece of shit brat from Beverly Hills. So Brandon is all, "So said F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Great Gatsby," and please. PLEASE don't drag my favorite book into this mess. I beg of you.

So then Sandy (who does have a cute face; I'm just asking: they couldn't have found an actress who was more age-appropriate to play the role? Because I really don't think the character is supposed to be nearing 40) tells him that yes, she read it: "A long time ago.  Probably before you were born," and look, she said it. I didn't. And at least I don't have to state the obvious anymore. And then these two idiots who are just itching to mutually file a sexual harassment claim against one another with the BHBC Human Resources Office, flirt some more and Sandy asks how old Brandon is (TOO YOUNG FOR YOU. MA'AM.) and then Brandon utters the ooky line of, "How old do you want me to be?" I mean, I guess he's just smartening up on some of the techniques he'll have to employ when he's hustling on the Walk of Fame, all Kit De Luca StyleZ.

Back to the H.O.W.  We head up to Jim and Cindy's room, where Cindy's getting dressed up for once in her goddamn life and Brenda's on the phone with some grandparent, who she keeps calling "Granny." And she's regaling "Granny" with ridiculous tidbits from her acting class, and Jim comes out all assholey and tells Cindy to get a move on it, as if they don't leave soon, "we're not gonna get to the beach club on time." And then Brenda gets all Nosy Rosy about it, and Cindy tells her that they're thinking of joining the club and Brenda gets Nosy Rosy some more and I've miraculously hit a new level of, "I have no fucks to give."

Back at the beach: Brandon continues to be completely unseemly with Sandy in front of their co-workers by grabbing her and forcing her to dance with him. Also: I THOUGHT BRANDON DIDN'T DANCE.

So she asks him, "Do you do with this with all the women?" and THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF PLANET EARTH AS WELL AS THE POPULATIONS OF SOME OTHER PLANETS all respond with, "YES.  YES HE DOES.  A LOT.  AND MOST OF THEM HAVE ISSUES, LIKE MARYANNE AND SHERYL AND MELISSA AND CARLA AND LYDIA.  SO, YOU'RE NOT REALLY ALL THAT SPECIAL.  SORRY." Because seriously: Brandon Falls For The Ladies  Like, that's his schtick.  Which is really weird and he should probably talk to someone about it.

So then Worthless Henry comes up to interrupt and says, "Hey you two.  Now you know the rules: employees can’t be seen having fun in public during a new member function," and Sandy throws an arm around Brandon and adopts a British accent (WHAT) and says, "Don’t worry, dah-ling.  Sandy will take good care of you," and Nat's Henry's all, "Now don’t you go corrupting this fine young man," and WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??? This is really, really inappropriate work behavior, and it's TOTALLY being exacerbated and encouraged by the boss! I guess he really gets his rocks off by being part of the plethora of sexual harassment taking place in the beach club he manages. Also: from that last thing he said, I think we can garner that Worthless Henry's aware that Sandy is the BHBC Ho.

Suddenly, the Parents Walsh, along with Jerry Rattinger, still coked out of his mind on the good shit, along with his soon-to-be-revealed Long Suffering Wife, show up at that moment and Brandon asks where they've been, and Jerry explains that Jim apparently got lost on the way to the club and went to Topanga Canyon or some shit, when he should've gone to Zuma Beach? I can't really tell because they're all talking over each other, and the Zuma Beach part doesn't make any sense since that's in Malibu.  WHY DO THINGS LIKE THIS BOTHER ME? I'm in too deep, man.  I'm in FAR too deep.  So then Jerry's all, "We’ll forgive you anything, as long as you pay your dues on time.  That way your son can become a beach bum like the rest of the kids." And the way he looks at Brandon when he says this makes it clear as day that Jerry's totally planning on having Brandon as his prize Rent Boy.

So then Slacker Brandon says, "Sounds good to me," but Jim's there to AMAZINGLY keep this seeping anal wound in check with, "Don't get any ideas." So then Mrs. Rattinger's sick of standing around with her husband's side piece, so she tells him that they should get a table, so all of the Old People leave and Jerry gets all hard for Brandon again and tells him, "Nice call today," and my GOD, he's still thinking about it??? Also: IT'S STILL THE SAME DAY??? So then to hurry this snail's pace scene along, Sandy gets all pissed at Brandon, as someone should do each and every nano-second of the day.

Later in the evening Steve! How I've missed you! Only not, because that sentiment causes my entire body, inside and out, to break out into goiters, but at least that's better than the suicidal thoughts that Brandon's little non-soap opera is causing me to have.  So Steve glad-hands the Walshes all Eddie Haskell StyleZ...

...and then he goes over to Brandon and tells him that he just saw Jim and Cindy, and Brandon advises that they might join the beach club and then Steve sniffs the flowers? and gets all strangely excited that his friend's parents might become members of the same club he's a member of, and is all, "Yeah!" like, calm down, Steve! And he's bringing it back to the Old School in his Lakers colors, which is just making me want to punch my television in the face.  So he tells Brandon, "Hey, party up!" because Normal People Talk Like That (or the exact opposite of that) and then, "The grunion run tonight." What follows next is a really tedious exchange about Brandon not realizing that grunion are fish, but I won't be so cruel as to actually transcribe it for you.  So Steve describes grunion as "California party fish," and why does Steve have to ruin ALL THE THINGS WITH HIS WORDS??? And then he describes these "party fish" as washing ashore a couple of nights every summer, "to lay their eggs, so to speak, yeah!" LIKE, WHAT IS THIS DILDO EVEN TALKING ABOUT??? I know I've posed this question in previous posts, but I've yet to get an answer: who in the 9th Circle Of Hell allows Steve to speak? So then he lists off a bunch of people who are going to be attending the run: "Donna will be there, Kelly, Dushane, Linda, Kyle , everybody’s coming," and I can't believe they're mentioning an actual character who's going to actually show up in the next episode, meaning Most Likely Gay Kyle.

So Steve tells Brandon to bring a "lady friend," and Brandon tells him, "I think Sandy’s got more important things to do than to hang out on the beach with a bunch of high school kids," and actually, I'd wager that she doesn't, since she walks around all sad-sacky and bitter and 37 and overtly hitting on said high school kids all the time. So Steve apparently has nothing better to do than parade his crimson-tinged upper body around the beach club while observing Brandon being sexually harassed while at work and says, "Judging by the way she was checking you out all day today I think you're the only high school kid she’s interested in hanging out with.  Just an opinion." And just as an FYI, Steve-O, your opinion counts for JACK SHIT so put a sock in it. PLEASE.

At the end of the evening we have Sandy bussing some wine glasses up to the bar and she tells the Unseen Bartender, "Well, Harry, another day, another dollar, huh?" because she's all jaded and whatever and the Big Bad World has chewed her up and spat her out. And then LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU, SANDY! Something far more terrifying than a back-breaking, low-paying job is coming your way!

So said terrifying thing manages to sneak up on her, and ever-so-eloquently tells her, "Hey, listen. I know it’s kinda last minute and it’s cool to say no, but, uh, if you’re not doin’ anything tonight, the grunion are runnin’," and gee! What a dream date!

So then I really just noticed the goddamn FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECKS which are apparently the nighttime beach club uniform, which is just overtly objectionable on many, many levels and sub-levels.  And Sandy gets her Stank Bitch on and asks Brandon, "At which beach do you propose we go watch this miracle of nature?" and he tells her, "Here.  Or wherever it is they usually run." And then she lays some mad grunion knowledge down on Brandon, all, "They can come ashore anywhere between Point Conception and the Mexican border, but I really wouldn’t know, because after twelve years of living in Los Angeles I’ve never actually seem ‘em.  In fact I don’t really think they exist but you know what? If you run into any, give them my best." And WOW. She really knows a lot for someone who reeks of Junior-Year-Of-High-School Dropout.

So Brandon catches on that Sandy, like the rest of the world, hates his guts and asks her, "‘Scuse me, did I say something wrong?" and you guys? Brandon *might* look pretty cute right here. FUCK ME, I hate myself, but he sort of does, even with that lock of foretop coming down over his left eye, which SPOILER ALERT he'll have A LOT this coming season. And I'll generally hate every minute of it, but something about his face here is nice. WHAT AM I SAYING??? GOD. You know how I referenced Brenda having Stockholm Syndrome because she was defending her toad parents to Dylan in the previous episode? I think I may have a little of it myself, seeing as I'm suddenly all, "Brandon? He's not so bad. He's attractive and his personality isn't like, totally braying and abrasive. All in all, he's a cool dude." Seriously. This show ruins lives.

WHERE WERE WE.  Okay, so Sandy says that Brandon didn't do anything wrong and he says, "Well obviously I did somethin’ to rub you the wrong way," and then Sandy gets pretty creepy and even more inappropriately desperate and asks him, "Why didn’t you introduce me to your parents?" like, I'm sorry - have these two been dating for six months or something? Why the fuck would she even care to meet his parents? Maybe it's because she's nearly their age and thought she and Jim and Cindy could hang out and like, go have dinner at Applebee's or something. And then she tells him, "We were standing next to them about half a dozen times, it woulda been really easy to say, ‘This is my friend from work’ leave it at that," and she obviously wouldn't care about any of this if she didn't want to get into Brandon's BHBC issued shorts, right? And then he tells her that he didn't think she cared about stuff like that, and she tells him not to flatter himself, and then he's all, "Oh, c’mon, Sandy.  I’m sorry, all right.  Go ahead and shoot me," and ME FIRST! ME FIRST! And then she makes some inane comment of, "It’s not you. It’s just...your parents seem like really wholesome types.  I’m not all that crazy about people from Beverly Hills," and Brandon thinks he's clever and says, "That’s okay, we’re from Minnesota," and Sandy's all, "But now you go to Beverly Hills High School," and HERE WE GO, he tells her, "Actually, I go to West Beverly, but I could always transfer to West Podunk if that would make you happy," and can I please ask, WHY DOES SHE CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS??? Honestly, Sandy needs a few years' worth of three-times-a-week therapy to sort through all of her odd, regressive behavior. Like, as a 34-year-old, doesn't she have more important things to worry about? Like me. Whose life revolves around writing about Beverly Hills, 90210. God, Sand. Get a life.

So then she tells him that she has a headache and nothing would make her happy and WHO CARES THIS IS SUCH A DRAG he eventually gets her to join him and all of his high school friends down at the beach, but first she probably has to run over to 7-11 and buy them a bunch of Bartles & Jaymes Fuzzy Navel malt beverages so she looks extra cool and down with The Kids.  Also, at the end of this scene Brandon looks at her like this and yeah, he's got a nice smile.  SERIOUSLY SOMEONE KILL ME KILL ME NOW.

H.O.W., next morning.  Brenda comes into Brandon's room and tells him to stop throwing his gross clothes on the floor of the bathroom, especially after last night because they smell all fishy, like Kelly's vagina, and the bathroom smells like her vagina now, too.

So Brandon, who's back to looking really trashy and wearing his Tony Manero© Necklace, tells Brenda, "Believe me: there were no fish anywhere on the beach last night.  Waited for hours for ‘em not to show up.  Just like Sandy predicted," and then Brenda gets all ickily inquisitive about her brother's love life, asking, "As in a girl named Sandy?" and Brandon, who clearly has Mommy Issues, seeing as he continuously bones/wants to bone females who are at least a few years older than him (Nina, Sandy, Jill, Lucinda), pops a Woodrow and tells her, "As in a woman named Sandy." And then Brenda asks how old Sandy is, and Brandon informs her that Sandy won't tell him, and Brenda is spot on as she says, "That is a definite sign of someone being old," and Brandon makes the face in the still above all Horndog StyleZ and slyly says, "I know," like, he very obviously has some kind of fucking-the-elderly fetish. AHHHHHHNdrea would've been so perfect for him.

Cut to the Foyer Of Walsh, and Jim's just gotten the paper from the porch and meets up with the twins and Brenda asks if it's going to be "a Beverly Hills Beach Club kind of a summer?" for the Walsh Family.

Quick cut to the Kitchen Of Walsh, and Brandon's all pissed and asking, "I’m sorry, I’m just havin’ a little bit of trouble understanding this - didn’t you guys just say you had a great time last night?" and Jim and Cindy say that they did, but Jim basically says that it's too much money and "Hobnobbing with the Jerry Rattinger’s of the world can be a lot of fun for a night or two, but in the long run, I think it’s much safer to keep your professional life separate from your social life," and Brenda is EVERYTHING IN CREATION and chimes in with, "What social life?" and AHAHAHAHAHA! like, seriously. Perhaps a membership at the beach club would allow Jim and Cindy to meet people their own age to hang with. People like Sandy. And Steve. Also: this story line, as many, many before it and many, many after it, MAKES NO DAMN SENSE, seeing as The Walshes join the fucking BHBC the following summer, and Brandon acts like a right prick about it. So what changes between this summer and the next summer? FUCK IF I KNOW.

Anyway, Brandon continues to be irrationally angered by something that NO ONE cares about and starts to head out and Jim's all, "Where are you going?" and Brandon tells him the beach club and Jim asks, "I thought today was your day off?" and Brandon's all, "It is," and OHHHHH, SNAP. Only not. Also: since Brandon's apparently able to hang at the club whenever he wants, even when he's not working, it's kind of like he's a member there himself, non? So why in the MOTHER FUCK does he care about his parents joining? Is it a status thing? Because like I said before, both Steve and Kelly are members, so status, schmatus. They'll apparently allow any piece of filmy Porta-John remnants to become members. In conclusion: BIG DEAL.

At the beach club, Brandon and Jerry play paddle tennis, and Brandon hits the ball as hard as his little girl arms will allow and Jerry's wearing a women's track suit and asks Brandon if he has beginner's luck, and Brandon tells Jerry that he must be a good teacher, and then there's this really disturbing, online-predator-ish moment where Jerry's all, "Ohhh, what I could teach a kid like you.  Be like money in the bank," and THE FUCK??? And then it gets even GROSSER when Brandon says, "So who's stoppin' ya?" but in an ooky, flirtatious sort of way and WHAT THE HELL this exchange has given me the fucking gags in a major, major way.

They wind up on the deck and MY GOD I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.  Like, this episode is seriously giving me Blog Writer's Block (TOTALLY a thing) because I JUST DON'T CARE and I can't come up with a new way to say "THIS SHIT-SACK PLOT SUCKS A WARTY, SECRETING, STEVE SAUNDER'ED-UP PENIS." Blah blah Jerry continues to be an utter creeper and asks Brandon about Jim co-signing a loan for his car and does Brandon not understand the term "Stranger Danger" and wonder why this middle-aged guy, who is very clearly coked-up out of his mind, and who he met ONE DAY AGO, is taking such an interest in him making more money and getting a car BLAH, at some point during this riveting dialogue, Jerry offers to be even more inappropriate and talk to Jim on Brandon's behalf.  WHAT? Yeah, I don't know either.  But someone should get McGruff on the line STAT so that he can school Brandon on the basics of "No, Go, Yell, Tell." Jesus.

Oh and also: Jer reveals his true, philandering colors at the end of their little heart-to-heart, when this Late '80s Hair Metal Video Reject Babe walks by, and he ogles her and is all, "Had one of those, too [after having told Brandon that he had a '65 Mustang at one point in his long, gross, feather-haired existence].  I am a very happily married father.  Two girls, two cats, a dog." And then he calls out...

...to Sandy, of course, all, "Sandy! Can we get a drink over here?" and Sandy says she'll send another waitress over for their order, and Jerry, sort of letting on that he regularly gives Sandy his hot beef injection, says to Brandon, "Talk about a piece of work," and I wonder if Sandy's currently looking over at the two of them talking, wondering where it all went so very, very wrong and the precise moment her life completely fell apart and she was left with these two human stys as her only options. And then Jerry asks Brandon if he has a girlfriend, and Brandon tells him, "I’m workin’ on it," and then looks all wistfully over at Sandy and this might be the moment when Jerry realizes who his "competition" is. I use the term "competition" loosely, as Jerry and Brandon are plainly both vile toilet turds and no woman in her right mind would schtoop either of them. But Sandy obviously has Problems with a capital High Maintenance, so whatever.

FUUUUUUUCK. ME.  So then 1991 defecates all over my laptop screen in the form of one Steve SAUNders, wearing his favorite ladies racerback top from the clearance rack at Forever 21 and sunglasses that should be knocked off of his face and then crushed by someone's work boot and then thrown up on and then peed on by a lady on Day 2 of her period and then shat on by someone who ate a bunch of chili dogs earlier in the day and then covered in a pile of sand and THE END.  NO MORE OF THOSE GLASSES EVER EVER EVER.  ANYhow, Steve tells Brandon that the stupid party fish are supposedly running again that evening and Brandon's all doubtful and Steve actually says, " C’mon, you’re gonna miss a thrill of a lifetime," because watching fish lay their eggs in the sand is considered "hot action" in Steve's pea brain? WHATEVER. And then Brandon spots Sandy, AGAIN, and is all, "Oh, I don’t know about that," because apparently tapping her ass would be monumental or some shit? Again, WHATTHEFUCKEVER.


Brandon strolls up to Sandy and she tells him that she's going home and he asks if she lives far and she says, "Not far," which, yeah right.  Sandy has "Colorless Stucco Apartment in Reseda" written all over her.  And then Brandon tells her that he rented a limo to take her wherever she wants to go, and she's all, "You did what?" and he, Tool Extraordinaire, advises, "Well it’s not exactly a limo, but it worked for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." And then...

FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN.  I guess these Tandem Bicycle High Jinks are supposed to be cute and romantic and all, but they're actually simultaneously putting me to sleep and inducing in me a desire to stab someone repeatedly in the neck.  Namely, myself.

They end up at some Baywatch lifeguard tower.  Please also make note that it's clearly, clearly sunset here.

So then Brandon prattles on for some time about how the beach is the best part of living in Los Angeles, a sentiment I agree with, but since I've only managed to make it to the beach a couple of times since living here (because, in case you weren't aware, I Live In L.A.), never mind.  And she tells him that you have to be a multi-zillionaire to live anywhere near the water, which is also true, and then Brandon ruins the All The Moments by cheese-dicking some line about making his first zillion by starting "a new conglomerate: Cabana Boys Я Us. It'll be a franchise operation. I'll be the chairman of the board, and you can be executive director of everything else." And then he brings up Jerry Rattinger bankrolling the whole operation and setting up their corporate offices anywhere in the world, and Sandy, wearing a wrap-thing around her head with a knot on top that I really can't hate on too much, given the fact that I sported a very similar look between the ages of 10 and 13, gets all Sad Sacky for the INFINITY time this episode and says, "At the rate I’m going it will probably be Kuwait." Gotta love those early-'90s cultural references! So Brandon asks her if anything's wrong, and she pulls out the 97th red flag to him that indicates that he shouldn't get involved with such a head case and answers, "Yeah.  No.  I don’t know, it’s just listening to you talk I realize I’ll probably never have a beach house or any of the other things I used to dream about when I was your age." And Brandon tells her she's still young, mostly because he wants to see what a 35-year-old vagina looks like, and she says that she's getting older by the minute and that "I wish I woulda met you five years ago" even though I'm certain Middle School Brandon was just as much of a dingleberry as Current Day Brandon. So he tells her, "You wouldn’t have liked me five years ago.  I was in sixth grade," and she's all, "I gotta go," which she really should've said about three misdemeanors ago, and he AGAIN brings up the FUCKING grunion, like, I can't for the life of me understand why this is such a big goddamn deal that's apparently supposed to get Sandy all moist in the panties. So because she's apparently fucking stupid, Sandy non-sequiturs all breathily, "How old are you?" like, DO THE MATH, GRANDMA. And then...

...there is illegal kissing and then Brandon pops a Woodrow which Sandy rubs out for him, thereby going from misdemeanor to the felony charge of statutory rape in one fell tug.

So they head back to the beach club, and they've apparently gone back in time, given the fact that it's about 3 pm here.  And then there's some really dreadful dubbed in voiceovers of the two of them gabbing while on the bike, with Voiceover Brandon telling her, " You know I’m really glad I took this job.  I got the beach, I got the sun, I got the beautiful chick on the front of my bike," and Voiceover Sandy giggling and responding with, "Stop! Brandon, you’re embarrassing me!" And you know what? You're both embarrassing me. As well as THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Oh, and they ride right by Dylan on the boardwalk (I wonder if they're near Edgar's place!) and don't see him. And he eyes them all suspiciously and it's all very the exact opposite of compelling.

Sometime later, probably? 10 am? in the BHBC locker room. Dylan comes in looking for...

Walking Wet Fart Brandon, who calls Dylan, "Surf Koombi," or Kombi or some shit I hate him I hate him so, so much.  So Dylan doesn't do as I'd do and punch Brandon in the ear and then spit in his mouth as he cries out in pain, but rather says, "Look, um, the other day when you were talking to me about Sandy, you didn’t tell me you were gonna make a move in that direction." And Brandon asks if Dylan thinks if Sandy is too old for him (YAAAAAS) but Dylan says that that's not the reason and that "She’s just not the right person for you.  At all."

So of course Brandon has to get all snotty and defensive and be a little bitch about it and asks, "So what are you sayin’?" And because Dylan apparently Knows All and has seen all of the disgusting things that presumably go on at the beach club, like 59-year-olds with coke dick fucking the staff in the sauna or some shit, he's all, "I’d rather not get into specifics man, but you gotta trust me on this one, all right? Before you get in over your head." So Brandon automatically assumes that Dylan's slept with Sandy but Dylan tells him, "This is my way of tellin’ you to go into this thing with your eyes open, man, or somebody’s bound to get hurt." And then I can feel my skull begin to crack into a thousand tiny pieces as Brandon Vaselines up his face and cheap shots, "Well, it’s too bad you didn’t tell Brenda that before you got her to hop into bed with you." And KILL THE FUCK OUT OF HIM DYLAN. DO IT NOW. I'LL MAKE SURE NO ONE'S COMING AND THEN I'LL HELP YOU DISPOSE OF THE TINY BODY.

Dylan is much more reasonable than me, however, and simply looks at Brandon and his cat anus face like this and tells him, "Consider yourself warned."

SOMEONE HAND ME MY MEDIEVAL FLAIL WITH TRIPLE SPIKED BALLS PLEASE.  As Dylan walks away, Brandon has this face on, which is just begging to be clawed right the fuck off by a rabid possum, and calls after him, "You broke her heart, ya know that, don’t ya?" and WHOAWHOAWHOA WHAT IN ALL THAT IS HIGH AND HOLY FUCK IS THIS FOOLIO TALKING ABOUT??? Brenda broke up with Dylan. Her choice. And their having sex was consensual. So, not quite sure what Make Believe story Brandon's concocted in his head, but I hope someone tries to reason with him and set him straight. Preferably with the business end of semi-automatic rifle.

Why Dylan will choose to associate with this plebe following his unfounded accusations is a mystery to me, but he turns around and Badasses, "No, Jones, I think you got that flipped around.  Big time." And then he swaggers it the fuck out of there to the tune of a sweet gee-tar riff, and even though I am SKYIN' following Dylan's verbal takedown of Brando, I wish it would have been like, a vehicular takedown followed by a knife-wielding takedown followed by a death blow takedown.

So after being a real snatch to Dylan, Brandon goes up to Worthless Henry, who also always seems to have a plate of food in his hand (either that or a clipboard) and asks where Sandy is and Worthless Henry tells Brandon that she probably went to get her paycheck. Also: SERIOUSLY, IT'S THE SAME DAY AS WHEN BRANDON TOOK SANDY TO THE LIFEGUARD TOWER??? Because that honestly feels like it was like, three days ago.

Brandon finds Sandy and she turns around and GAH. Just...no. So Sandy, who like so many before her, has Issues up the wazoo, tells him, "Brandon, um, listen, I’m sorry, I can’t make it tonight, something’s come up, okay? I’ll make it up to you, I promise!" and really? Show of hands of the people who give one fuck about this character or story line or any of these Summer Episodes for that matter? Absolutely zero of you? I thought so.

So then from above, Jerry, who changed into yet another woman's track suit, this one being his more formal, evening look I guess, calls to Brandon, "I’ve been thinking about your new car." And Brandon's all cluelessly like, "What new car?" And we unfortunately don't get to witness Jerry telling Brandon, "The new car you're going to have to slurp on a lot of dick for."

Over to the House Of Walsh, and Jim's looking at Brandon like I always look at Brandon, as he's telling his parents about Jerry's proposal. And Jim's all, "Jerry Rattinger’s offering to buy you a what?" and Brandon tells him, "He’s not buying me anything, Dad.  He’s giving me an advance against my salary," and Jim reasonably asks what the salary will be for and Brandon tells him, "For working," and Jim's like, "Doing what?" and Brandon's all, "Handies, blowies, Cleveland Steamers, you know," but really what he says is, "Well, this summer I’ll be like a gopher, but when school starts up again he said I could work in his publicity office as a trainee and I’ll tie it in with the school paper," and I'm sure AHHHHHHHHNdrea will be having multiple nerdgasms over that one! And then Cindy, who once again doesn't pop her puke-son on his kisser and tell him to fucking keep the commitments he makes, asks, "But what about the beach club?"

So because The World Revolves Around Brandon, and since he's already fucked over one employer this week, he says, "Henry’s gotta understand.  Rattinger’s paying me double my salary, no matter how many hours I work and on days when he doesn’t need me.  It’s a win-win deal," and it's SERIOUSLY not occurring to Brandon that this all sounds SHADY AS FUCK??? So Jim's basically like, "Why is Jerry Rattinger trying to pull my son into an international whore boy ring?" And Brandon HEAVENS TO BETSY tells him, "I don’t know, Dad! You know what he’s like.  He has a different philosophy than you.  I think he feels sorry for me because he knows there’s no life for a teenager in L.A. without a car," and my head. MY HEAD. Hey! Does anyone else remember when Brandon had a car? And then he DESTROYED said car by getting all wasted and driving around and then smashing into another car and NEARLY ENDING THE LIFE OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING??? 'Cause I FUCKING do. And then Brandon tells them that he thinks Jerry's always wanted a son and Jim is The Shit and says, "I do too.  I just didn’t know he’d go after mine." Thanks Jim! You're my hero...for the next 10 minutes or so. And now, I need to go lie down. With a wet washcloth over my eyes. And the washcloth will actually be soaked in vodka and dilaudid. And the washcloth won't actually be over my eyes but rather, in my mouth.

The next morning, Brandon's in Brenda's room, and I really like Brenda's hair like that. And he's going on and on, telling her that he's come to the conclusion that Jim doesn't want him to have another car, "'Cause he’s still punishing me for totaling Mondale," and, given that's it's been, what, like maybe five or six months? since the totaling of Mondale (and that it's maybe not so much that he wrecked his car, but, CAN I REMIND YOU AGAIN, Brandon. ALMOST. KILLED. A. MAN.) I can see why Jim wouldn't be super-eager for Brandon to have another weapon car that he could possibly endanger the lives of others with again. But I also mostly think Jim doesn't want Brandon working for Jerry because HOLY MOLY does his offer sound WAY, WAY questionable and suspect. Which is basically what Brenda tells her brother, all, "Oh Brandon, I don’t know. I mean Dad stood by you through traffic court, he knows you don’t drink...he just doesn’t understand why this man is offering to pay you good money for the summer to do practically nothing.  And to be truthful, I agree," and I would venture to say that even someone with three or less brain cells to rub together, i.e. Donna, would agree with that theory.

So all the while Brandon is boring Brenda with his little non-drama she's trying to go about her day and apparently getting ready to practice her little Garg-assigned memory. So he's all, "Can I ask you one more question? Why are you wearing a winter coat in the middle of July?" and Brenda tells him, "You don't wanna know," and no, no he doesn't. Because that story line is fucking booOOOring.

So then Brandon heads out to the Front Porch Of Walsh to pester Cindy with his non-problems, and asks after his father, and Cindy tells him that Jim left early for an audit in San Diego (I'll bet Cindy's all moist in the crotch over that one) but that Jim said Brandon could do whatever the hell he wants to with Jerry Rattinger's indecent proposal, and that he and Brandon could talk later that evening.  And then for some reason, even though he pretty much just got his way, as always, Brandon throws a good ol' self-centered hissy fit over it, telling his mother, "God, it's just so typical of him! You know, he lays all this guilt on me about not wanting to work so hard this summer and he’s too busy workin’ to talk to me about it," and...I don't even know what any of those words mean? So, Brandon's a lazy sack of scabbed-over foreskins, therefore Jim should be a lazy sack of scabbed-over foreskins, so that he can be around at all times to talk to his lazy sack of scabbed-over foreskins son? WHATEVER, Cindy says, "Honey, I know you’re upset…" but Brandon interrupts to tell her, "No, I’m not upset, Mom.  I just wish he could find the time to deal with me for once," and HOLD THE PHONE WHAT??? Do I even have to address the fact that Jim licks Brandon's figurative taint ALL THE TIME and very OBVIOUSLY favors his son to his daughter and allows Brandon to get away with murder? Or, oh, I'm sorry! ALMOST murder. Because I guess the guy who has to eat through a fucking feeding tube in his throat for the rest of his life, after Brandon drunkenly plowed into his truck with Mondale, is actually still alive and able to tell his family that he's just pissed himself by blinking his eyes three times in rapid succession.

Back at the paddle tennis courts ONCE AGAIN, Jerry, looking like a sloven mess, is telling Brandon, "Listen, the last thing I wanted to do was get between you and your old man, it’s just, it sounded like a perfect fit, I mean I needed someone to run a few errands for me, you needed a car...hey, if he’s gonna get his nose out of joint, the smart thing would be to forget it," and shouldn't Brandon be defending his dad rather than siding with some weird, sticky-looking guy he met all of three days ago, who very obviously plans on recruiting him into the skin trade? But of course not, because Brandon's a toad, and he tells Jerry, "The problem is I don’t wanna forget it," and then Jerry tells Brandon to be his own man, make his own decisions, climb every mountain, ford every stream or some shit. The end. Only unfortunately for every species everywhere, it's not.

So in continuing with this episode's theme of statutory rape, we cut over to the cabana area again, and Steve's all typically non-charming and hitting on a 13-year-old.   Seriously.  Look at her.  And he tells her, "Why don’t we just cruise down to the volleyball courts, see what we can do," whatever that means, but I'm guessing that it's his non-sly non-attempt at getting her training bra off.

So sadly for Sandy, Brandon comes up to her while she's trying to, you know, work (and does Brandon ever fucking work? Because he mostly seems to roam around the club either sexually harassing his co-workers or being solicited for his services by beach club members who look like they smell of dirty hair [C'mon, you guys.  You know he totally does.]) and he's all, "Hey, we feelin’ any better today?" and nice condescending shit-brick way to go about asking her, ass. She's not goddamn 7 years old...clearly. So Sandy, finally realizing that like the rest of ALL THE POPULATION she'd rather not associate with one Brandon Walsh, tells him, "Actually, we’re feeling a lot worse so consider yourself warned." But of course Brandon can't just abide by this and let this person he hardly knows walk away and deal with whatever they're dealing with, OH NO, so he asks her, "Did I do something?" and thank BEELZEBUB Sandy informs him, "It’s not about you, Brandon, it’s about me."

But STILL, Brandon does not take the hint (which is really more of a bludgeon to the head) and inquires, "You wanna talk about it?" and instead of telling him, "Not with you. But I really should talk to therapist since I seem to have a lot of problems, one of which is my apparent spooky desire to be picked up by the West Beverly Hills Police Department on charges of inappropriate conduct with a minor," she goes into the Leitmotif Of Adulthood: "Talk about what? Why there isn’t enough time in the day, why there isn’t enough money in the bank, why my head is pounding? Look, Brandon, you’re a very sweet boy [AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!], but I’m going through some very heavy personal stuff right now and I’m just not about to pour my heart out to a teenager from Beverly Hills." Meaning, I guess, that she would gladly spill her guts to a teenager from say, West Covina. Anyway.

KEEEEE-rist. Let's just...muster through the best we can. And not pay much heed to this pathetic excuse of a plot point. Brenda's practicing her memory that no one cares about, all running around the Living Room Of Walsh like a mental patient, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Where is Mommy? Mom! Mommy, where is Mommy?"

And then Jim comes in and is like, "WTF?"

So then father and daughter have A Moment where they remember the event together, and I think at the end we're supposed to infer that Brenda wasn't actually lost that day at the department store while riding up and down the escalators, but rather, Jim and Cindy were observing her the entire time and that it was really cute.  Or, as they I say, WHATEVER X SEVERAL AEONS AND MANY, MANY GRUELINGLY LONG FOREVERS.  Regrettably for every cell in my being, we are not done with this foolishness yet.

Back to the beach.  Where we have a really good (read: HORRIFYING) back view of Steve's hair.  Which appears to indicate that he has been asleep for several days on a bus stop bench while wearing a pair of his International Male bikini briefs fashioned on his head as a turban.  Anyhow, they're discussing the innocent early-teens girl he's going to attempt to pollute with his innate Steve SAUNderness.

And then Steve asks about Brandon and Sandy and Brandon invokes the fucking "party fish" again (I die a thousand deaths on the inside whenever I have to type the words "party" and "fish" together) and Brandon says, "Our relationship’s kinda like the grunion: no one knows if it really exists," but he fails to add, "because they don't fucking care." Not even Worthless Henry, who's lurking around in the background there, cares. Anyway, Henry calls over to Brandon to get the fuck to work instead of fraternizing with Steve and his boar-bristle brushed-out hair. So Brandon takes Steve up to the parking lot where Mr. Rattinger needs some "man-power." I'll bet he does! ZING!

In the parking lot, Jerry's...wearing ANOTHER fucking track suit! He must order them in bulk.  So Brandon and Steve approach Jerry standing by a Donna Beemer and Steve whistles, "Nice car," and Jerry tells Brandon that he wants him to get behind the wheel "to see if this is something you wouldn't mind driving for the rest of the summer," blah blah he basically ends up tricking Brandon into taking soused Mrs. Rattinger home so that he and Sandy can Do The It in his cabana while he wears the top half of his track suit blah.

Cut to Brandon and Mrs. Rattinger, cruising along some street, and this is a broad I wanna hang with, considering she's all drunk in the middle of the day, and also about to get all loose-lipped about her putrid womanizing husband: "I’m talking about my husband.  I’m talking about his mistress.  You’re not the first pretty boy [AHAHAHAHAHAHA!] he’s hired to drive me home from the beach club so he could be with his playthings.  Hear he’s trying to get back with Sandy.  Is it true? Huh huh huh, I can’t see it."

IN YOUR FACE, FOOL.

Back at the club we have Sandy, who looks SO PRETTY and much younger in her About To Get Pounded From Behind finest.

Which looks ever-so tastefully demure and elegant from the back.  Nothing but the finest for Our Homewrecking Sandy!

Brandon catches her at the bottom of the stairs and gets his Patented Abrasive Brandon Face© on and tells her, "Since you’re going up to his cabana, could you take him back his car keys? Tell him thanks but no thanks, which is pretty much all I gotta say to you, too."

So Sandy, back to looking pretty haggard, is all, "It’s not what you think, Brandon.  It’s not some cheap, sordid affair." So Brandon asks, "How do you know what I think, Sandy? You don’t know me.  And I obviously don’t know you," and I guess I should be on Brandon's side right about now, but I'm kind of not. Because he's saying something in that typical, bitchy, judging Brandon way and I wish he would DIE a hundred deaths and then die fifty more just for good measure. ANYhow, Sandy gives him the what-for, all, "That’s right.  You don’t know me.  You don’t know anything about me.  You don’t know what I go through to get up in the morning and look in the mirror.  So don’t you sit in judgment of me.  Especially when Mommy and Daddy still pay your bills."

UGH, so Sandy tries to get away from this little leprechaun, but of course, Brandon has to have the last word on ALL THE THINGS, so he shouts after her, "Oh, no, this isn’t about my mommy and daddy, it’s about you and your sugar daddy.  So you better run along up to him.  Since he pays all your bills."

At that moment, Jerry appears from around the corner, wearing...some kind of floral tent? Or one of those hairstylists' capes? but hey, at least it's not a track suit! He must've really wanted to do himself up for an evening of cheating on his wife!

You guys? I CAN'T.  This right here? This is the Brandon that visits me in my fucking nightmares.  Whatever, he drops the keys on the ground all Disgusted Douchebag StyleZ.

Back at the House Of Walsh, THE HELL??? Jim's sleeping on a chair in the living room and Brandon comes in and sits next to him and STARES at his father, like, talk about fucking nightmares.  Also: Jim's apparently all tired from rehearsals for the West Beverly Hills Theatre Production of Swing Kids.

So Jim finally wakes up to see his creepy son watching him sleep.  He tells Brandon that he's glad he's home and asks how works going, and Brandon tells him, "I don’t know.  There’s pretty weird stuff going on at work," and I'd say "weird" is putting it mildly, what, with Steve being able to walk around all topless and glowing maroon and hitting on innocent children and all. Oh, that's not what Brandon was talking about? Never mind.

CHRIST.  So then Jim gets all "Cats in the Cradle" and someone should really hand him an acoustic guitar to strum the song as he lays down this drivel: "Hopefully what I have to say to you will put your mind at ease about all of that...this morning on the train down to San Diego I had a lot of time to think about car loans and work ethics and the age old tug of war between fathers and sons," and then because Brandon always has to interrupt EVERYONE, he says, "Dad," but Jim likes the sound of his own voice so much (see how Jim's non-slowly plummeting out of favor with me? You'll know why in just a few seconds) so he's all, "Please...let me just get this off my chest first.  You know it’s one thing for a father to try and instill a sense of positive values in his children, ya know, get what ya pay for, whatever. [HEY THAT’S MY LINE.] And it’s quite another thing when a father hides his own frustration behind the guise of wisdom and experience." And then he seriously talks a bunch of nonsense about money and him turning down the job offer from Minnesota and as I rapidly fall into a fugue state, aided by the entire bottle of Unisom I just downed, Jim FIE.NAH.LEE dolls out THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT: "The bottom line is, there’s no earthly reason for you to be knocking yourself out folding beach chairs [Excuse me: since when has "folding beach chairs" become equated to curing cancer or fighting fires or any of the other INFINITY jobs that are INFINITY times harder than being a goddamn cabana boy???] when you could be having the summer of your life.  So do yourself a favor, son.  Forget about your old man’s hang-ups, go work for Rattinger, find out how the other half lives."

So MIRACULOUSLY, even though his colonic residue of a father just told him that he's allowed to blow off his new job of a week-and-a-half, Brandon's all, "I already did.  It’s not all it’s cracked up to be." And even though the scene should've ended right there, Jim has to feed Brandon some more tripe about being his own man and everything falling into place and eat several dicks, Jim, I hate you once more.

BHBC, next whatever.  So of course we can't end this painfully non-captivating story line without a little bitch-fight between these two weenies.  So Jerry's all, "Well! If it isn’t the king of the cabana boys.  I was wondering if we were gonna see you today," and Brandon tells him, "Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.  My father said I should honor my commitments," which...Jim didn't say that at all, actually. He told Brandon to go live it up with Jerry and his international male prostitute/drug-smuggling crime ring. Basically.

So then Rattinger tells Brandon that Jim's a very honorable man, and because Brandon is really shitty at biting comebacks he just says, "Mr. Rattinger, anything you have to say to my father I suggest you say it to him not to me," and Jerry comes back with a similarly idiotic response of, "Did he tell you to say that or did you think it up all by yourself?" and why are these tools fighting like 7th grade girls??? All that's left is for one of them to tell the other that they're fat and give them a lifelong eating disorder.

GOD, and then the absurdity of ALL OF THIS won't stop as Jerry comes up with some dopey comparison between Brandon and the Donna Beemer: "You know they tell me the car that you drove last night really excels at handling the bumps, taking the curves, I wish the same could be said of the driver," and man, this dude is REEEEEaching. And he won't. Stop. TALKING: "It got very ugly last night.  Very embarrassing, very unnecessary….I really coulda taught you something," and Brandon's all, "Like what? Like how to hurt people? Deceive them, intimidate them?...Sandy’s a nervous wreck, Mr. Rattinger.  She’s a wreck because of you," although he fails to add that she's probably a wreck because she fears the police finding her and taking her in for questioning following her little make-out sesh with underage Brandon on the lifeguard tower. So because Jerry is Sleazemeister Supreme, he gets all up in Brandon's face and says, "As far as Sandy is concerned, my conscience is crystal clear.  As far as we’re concerned, I think Henry Thomas is looking for you.  Good luck in your next job, kid." Oooo, how intimidating.

Next we have Brandon marching up to Worthless Henry's office...

...and of course just barging in and going to see Henry on his balcony, where he's worthlessly watching his stories. So much for Henry's worthless request to not be bothered between 11 am and 12 pm each day.

So Henry wants to talk about his soap opera, but Brandon has little-to-no patience for such things and demands to know if Henry's going to fire him on Jerry Rattinger's orders.  Oh, and at some point during this conversation, Brandon's all, "Damn it, Henry!" like, nice language to use on your boss of ten days. Anyway, SPOILER ALERT, Brandon doesn't get fired.  And Henry worthlessly informs him that Sandy has quit.

C'MON.  This? Again? LORD. So Brenda tells the class...

...which of course includes each and every one of these losers, her non-funny story: "I was sobbing my guts out, and there’s my dad, under the archway going ‘Honey, what are you doing?’ But the funny thing is, my dad started reminiscing and it’s like something just clicked.  I’d been trying to feel something that I had never really felt.  I mean, it wasn’t about the coat anymore, or the memory of me or what anybody was trying to tell me that I was feeling at the time.  It’s about me, being back on those escalators having a great time all by myself...the best part is, I wasn’t afraid to be by myself back then, 6 years old, in a department store full of strangers.  There’s no reason in the world why it shouldn’t be like that today," and that was SERIOUSLY the moral of this whole fucking plot line??? That Brenda's going to be okay all by her lonesome without Dylan? What a waste of my NON-LIFE. WHATEVER. And then Brenda tells the others, "Let's go to the beach," hopefully implying that they're all going to drown themselves in the ocean.

NOOOOOOooooo more of this. If I have to see this paddle tennis court one more goddamn time, I'm going to plunge a potato peeler deep, deep into my eye socket in the hopes that I eventually blind myself and then hit my olfactory bulb and then fucking die.

OH! And then guess who just HAPPENS to be playing! Edgar (WHOA, on the shorts there, Edgar.  Did you fish those out of a 10-year-old boy's unattended beach bag?) and OF COURSE, Jerry Rattinger.  And there's another question on a ball being in or out...

...and this Rando Extra sees Brandon and asks, "Did you see it, Brandon?" and the other two Randos are all pissed off because they didn't earn their SAG cards that day...

...and then Jerry kind of freaks and is all, "All right, all right, all right, we’ll just take it over," because he thinks Brandon's going to make the call against him, but because Brandon is such a Stand-Up Guy With Morals And Integrity, he of course says, "It was in.  Like I said, I call ‘em like I see ‘em.  Jerry," and then Jerry looks at him like this and continues on with the game and I guess we can assume that Jer was eventually picked up on possession or in connection with his involvement in the prostitution of teen boys, because, say it with me now, We Never See Him Again.

So Brandon continues to not work and finds Sandy up in the parking lot, like, I guess she came to clean out her locker or some shit? Whatever.  And she's wearing this HUGELY bulky bandana on her head and her shirt matches her Mike Seaver-esque car.  Anyway, as if anyone cares, she's leaving L.A. to go live with her probably-trashy mom and sister in San Luis Obispo.  And as if she owes Brandon any kind of explanation, she tells him, "He told me he loved me.  He said he’d leave his wife and children," and WOW. Someone who would abandon their kids for you? Now that's True Love.

And then she kisses him next to his mouth, when he probably thought he was going to be getting teeth-fondled by her tongue.  And then she drives away.  And, AGAIN, We Never See Her Again.  Two in an episode! That's got to be some kind of record that NO ONE cares about!

We next find Brandon at the showers, where he's presumably standing there staring at Dylan like he stared at his father sleeping a few minutes ago.  So fucking again, Brandon calls Dylan "Koombi" and asks him, "Can I buy you some lemonade?" and then Dylan's all, "Buy me some food, too, bitch," and whatever.

Dylan? Please put on a shirt.  Anyway, they're eating and talking about Sandy and then Dylan says, "You gotta promise me something...Next time you ask me if I’ve been with a girl that you have a crush on, I get a free one anywhere," and I hope he means he gets a free one anywhere...with a gun. And I also wish he had demonstrated what he meant by smashing that lemonade glass right into Brandon's be-banged forehead.

And then Brenda, looking adorable in her striped shirt and RADRADRAD sunglasses, and AHHHHHHNdrea, looking...whatever, show up, as do...

...Kelly and Donna, and Kelly's all cackling about Steve not getting to commit a crime with the little middle schooler girl.

DUDE.  Steve's cleave.  I just...WOWZA.  Anyway, he shows up and Brandon Pauly Shores, "What's up, bu-uuuuudy?" and Steve's all, "It’s low.  It’s lower than low.  It’s the lowest common denominator," and would add that his tank top could be categorized as all of those things as well as his personality, but whatever.

So up comes the girl and the deformity known as David Silver, who she's apparently picked over Steve.  And I know I said Steve might be the more appealing choice than David in my last post, but I may need to reconsider that.  I mean, it's basically like choosing between vomiting up your own fecal matter or shooting undiluted Frank's RedHot Sauce out of your poop-chute.  There's not really a desirable option any way you look at it.

Later in the evening, there's picnic-ing for the goddamn grunion run.

And then Dylan does this. And kind of SINGS, "The party is over." And he's wearing one of those poncho shirt things that were so damn big in my 5th grade class. In Colorado. Even in the winter.

And then Brandon wearing a Southwestern blanket and some kind of laughable beanie says, "No, I came here to see some grunion, I’m gonna see some GRUN. ION!" and then does this to Dylan. And instead of anyone kicking both him and Steve, wearing his jeans like a woman, onto the ground and smothering them in the sand, everyone just laughs.

And then they all head out to the surf, leaving these two behind, and Brenda tells Dylan, "You know, it’s really nice being here with you but not being here with you, ya know?" and Dylan's all, "Like a good friend?" and Brenda says, "Anything is possible," and Dylan asks, "Anything?" meaning sex, I think, and why these two imbeciles didn't start making out at this exact moment, given the fact that they are Hot Bitches together, is beyond me.

So while the episode should've ended with Brenda and Dylan's conversation, the writers decided we need another scene in which multiple characters discuss the grunion.  And Kelly asks what they look like, and Donna's kind of staring at the wet sand and asks, "Do they kind of look like a cross between a sardine and an anchovy?" and Steve, Leuresthes tenuis Authority, tells her, "Yeah. Why?"

And then there's some 1970s stock footage of, I guess, grunion.

And everyone freaks.  The fuck.  OUT.  Because this is apparently what these Wild And Crazy Beverly Hills Teens do.  Also: Steve's got the same face on here that I do when I see him not wearing a shirt.

And then they all shriek and yell and scream some more about the grunion.  No, seriously.  This is how the episode ends.  With everyone being bizarrely excited about some tiny fish coming ashore.  Had it been my choice, the episode would've ended with Brenda and Dylan murdering everyone and then pushing their lifeless bodies out to sea and then going on the lam and then eventually being caught and then tried but being acquitted of their crimes after the jury and judge realize that they actually did the universe a favor by killing all of these obnoxious assholes.  In conclusion: I'd make an excellent television writer.

See you back here next time for "Summer Storm," where Dylan calls someone a "mystical surf wizard" (I can't make this stuff up, you guys) and pouts around about his miscreant father being nabbed by the fuzz.  Oh, and he also injures himself and winds up staying at the House Of Walsh and he and Brenda are all customarily dramatic and sexy about it.  Elsewhere, Kelly throws herself at Most Likely Gay Kyle in the most embarrassing, presumptuous way possible, and because Steve Can't Get Over Kelly (And We'll Never, Ever Hear The End Of It), he gets all jealous and petty and wears another belly shirt.  Trust me when I tell you: the next episode may be the deciding factor in if I choose to go down the "hardcore drug use" path.  It's either going to be "Summer Storm" or "Play It Again, David," and I guess I figure the sooner, the better.  Check you all on the flip side!

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz.