Season 2; Episode 3: Summer Storm - The Grand Tradition Of Parental Dereliction In Beverly Hills Continues. And Our Long National Nightmare Of An Episode Where Brandon Is The Focal Point (Meaning The Previous Episode) Comes To Harrowing End.

First and foremost, I want to send a massive shout-out to my Homie For Life Benjamin, who came to Los Angeles from San Francisco last weekend for a visit, and presented me with The Most Amazing Gift Ever:

Yes, my friends know me spookily well.  And yes: within this adorable box (which has become like, my everything) are baked goods straight from his kitchen.  These heavenly slices are called "Banana Walsh" (for my beloved "Brenda Walsh")  HULLO FUCKING AWESOMENESS YOU GUYS which is Nutella (he had me at "Nutella") swirled banana bread.  Trust me when I tell you he's an EXTREMELY talented baker, and these little wedges of perfection are just the tip of the iceberg as far as his abilities with food goes.  But he seriously could've put his dog Blue's hardened feces inside the box and I would have still blown a load over it.  Also, just like one Brandon Walsh, I was a Life Ruiner and was ultra-death-sick last weekend.  My stomach is a shifty bitch who will end a good time before it's even started, and because I ate, like, a Rolo with a side of air, I wrecked our plans of drinking a lot of the hooch and...drinking a lot of the hooch.  Instead, we stayed in and watched Mean Girls 2 (which is just as terrifyingly wretched as you think it will be); She's All That (FILMED AT WEST BEV...meaning Torrance High School, but it will always be West Bev to me - GO WILDCATS! Also: fucking kill me, please), which I never realized or didn't care about the one time I saw it back in the hazy, halcyon days of 1999, when I was wearing track pants in public and topping them off with part-mesh, dragon-print shirts.  Next up was Clueless - a classic, obvs - filmed at Occidental College, which was also the filming location for...you guessed it! Beverly Hills, 90210 Goes To College.  Absolutely gripping tidbits of information, I know.  What does any of this have do with anything? Nothing, actually.  It just further proves the theory that the inside of my head is basically like the inside of Homer's brain, only instead of black-and-white cartoon characters playing "Turkey In The Straw" it's pretty much a continuous reel of this with the first few chords of the BH, 90210 theme song in the background:

ARE WE QUITE DONE HERE, you ask? Yes, I think so.  I also wanted to mention to the reading audience at large that I really appreciate all the comments on my blog posts.  I may not respond to them because I am a lazy sack of dicks, but I will attempt to be better about acknowledging them.  Just know that my favorite thing to do (besides writing about this show and watching a lot of Seinfeld) is be asleep.  So that kind of takes up the majority of my time.  ANYOHMYGODGETAMOVEONITWAY, on with the show...

...in which Brenda's sort of a cunt, Dylan's parents are shady as fuck, Brandon gets very little screen time (HOORAY), Steve breaks out both The Steve SAUNders Summer Special AND his trusty belly shirt (HEAVEN HELP US), I actually feel kind of sorry for Kelly (even though she squeals, giggles and baby-talks her way through most of her scenes) and Donna and David fall even further down the rabbit hole of their awful, jacked-up relationship which we will only be spared from NINE SEASONS FROM NOW when this moldy, hellfire beast of a show has reached its long overdue conclusion.  I guess let's dive in and hope for the best and then be really disappointed.

We open at the H.O.W., nighttime.  Or maybe it's like, four in the afternoon, who knows.

Inside to the Foyer Of Walsh, where Jim's coming down my Dream Staircase in his Gay Pride shirt, getting ready to leave for some Nerdlinger Accounting Something Or Other.  No one cares.

He joins the rest of the family in the living room and tells Cindy that he can't find some blue shirt of his, and then Brenda chimes in with, "Uh, Dad, actually I wore that shirt to the beach last week," and Jim asks her why she has to wear his shirts, and she's all, "Because they look great," and remember when we all thought that was the case? I recall stealing my brother's shirts a lot and they were enormous and baggy but man! Did I think I looked fly as fuck in them (Real Talk: I did not look fly as fuck in them).  So then Brandon has to meet the quota of Grossly Inappropriate/Incestuous Comments for the episode by adding, "Mmm, girl in a guy's shirt, Dad, there's nothin' like it," and it's only taken all of about a minute and a half and I already need to go lie down.  And by "lie down," I of course mean "simultaneously slit my wrists and drown myself in a tub-full of acetone and fire."

So then the news report they're watching starts in on a story about Shady Fuck And Dumpster Garbage Dad Jack McKay getting caught or turning himself in to federal marshals in Mexico on twenty-three counts of income tax evasion.  Does ANYONE care? No? We're all just waiting for The Car Bomb Heard 'Round The Marina in Season 3 when Jack is presumably blown to smithereens while wearing a really unfortunate sweatsuit? And then rolling our eyes so much that they get stuck like that in Season 10 when the writers can't think of any more story lines for Dylan and they bring Jack back from the dead? Exactly.

Oh, and here's a shot of Not Real Jack McKay.  This is the second Not Real Jack McKay in as many seasons, if you're keeping track, or playing some really depressing, solo drinking game at home like I am.

As the report goes on, Jim says to Cindy, "Smartest thing she ever did was break up with that guy," about Brenda and Dylan, and I guess we're supposed to believe that he says it all under his breath on-the-sly or some shit, but he's actually really obvious about it and Brenda absolutely would've heard her idiot father.  And then he's all, "It was only a matter of time before they caught up with that crook," and Brenda pulls out the whole, "He's innocent until proven guilty," and I am so, so bored already I'm actually REALLY looking forward to seeing Steve's navel later in the episode.  At least it will give me something to do, i.e. throw up the Entemann's donuts I just ate all over my hands, laptop and the cat sitting in my lap.

Cut to Dylan's apartment/condo thing and he's broodishly watching the report or broodishly listening to it in the background and his phone rings, and I CANNOT WITH THIS here's his answering machine greeting: "Hi! You know what to do, after the beep-a-rooni," and YOU GUYS.  SERIOUSLY.  THERE IS NO WAY IN ALL THE HOLY HELLS that this would be Dylan's message. "Beep-a-rooni"???  He's supposed to be all Mysterious Bad Boy (although he's really more GIANT Bad Boy Cliche) and this is his outgoing answering machine message??? Was the writer who came up with this line brand new, and like, this was their first line that they ever wrote for the show? A show which, APPARENTLY, they had never fucking seen?  This is the shit that makes my aneurysm act up.  ANYway, of course it's Brenda calling, although why she didn't immediately hang-up, change her number, her name, her hair color and move to Coeur d' Alene, Idaho after hearing this message I don't know, and she's all, "It's me, Brenda.  Are you okay? Dylan.  Dylan, please pick up." Whatever.

BHBC Whatever.  Same goddamn stock footage from a million other Summer Episodes.  And by "a million other Summer Episodes," I of course mean, "from the previous two episodes." But in my opinion, they also should've thrown in some Saved By The Bell Live From The Malibu Sands Beach Club footage as well.

So Brandon's actually managing to do some work for once in his goddamn life, putting condiments on the patio/eating area tables or whatever, and while he's doing this, there's 79 hours of some brah announcing the wave? tide? conditions over some P.A. system? that the beach club apparently has? I...don't understand.  And I don't know that we will ever see this expository device used again.  And thank CRIMINY for that, because I'm certain we would've been subjected to some asinine subplot of David lobbying to become the next Beverly Hills Beach Club Announcer.  Anynoonecares, here's what Mr. Surf has to say: "A tropical storm off the Baja coast is kickin' up some wicked sets this morning.  The Coast Guard reports small craft advisories from Point Conception to the Mexican border.  Malibu Beach reports 3 to 5 foot waves in good to excellent shape. Santa Monica reports 4 to 5 foot breakers.  Excellent shape.  Zuma reports 8 foot swells from the southwest so bundle up for safety and party hard," and...that was painful.

So then Dylan struts by, bundlin' up to go party hard and since Brandon always feels like he has to pull out his "Cool" Guy lingo in front of Dylan, he says, "Figured I see you this morning, it's pretty thrashin' out there." Shut UP, Brandon.  You're not even the same REALM of "cool", you never will be, you're five-feet-negative-three inches tall, and your Patented Smarm Douche Brandon Face© is giving me a mad case of IBS.  So then Dylan contrivedly gives us the title of the episode, all, "Yeah, summer storm.  Nature's gift to surf bums," and Brandon once again doesn't do as I say and asks, "You gonna be danglin' later?" and FUUUUUUUUCK.  Just, what a bane of my ENTIRE existence.

Anyhow, they start talking about Dylan's criminal father and how Brenda's been trying to get a hold of him and Brandon actually manages to show concern for another human being and asks how Dylan is and Dylan looks at Brandon like this and says, "Hey, are you kiddin'? Surf's up," and then swaggers it the fuck out of there.  He unfortunately does not throw sand in Brandon's eyes as he turns to leave.

Next we're at the Taylor Cabana and JACKIE!!! SHE'S BACK.  And unfortunately not all coked-out and ruining Kelly's life, but I'll take what I can get.  She is, however, serving up some Delicate Orchid Beauty in that sick-ass see-through-titty-paneled swimsuit that she picked up at like, Contempo Casuals for 50% off.  Oh, Jackie.  You have all of the grace, refinement, and elegance of another Jackie: Jackie O.  Who was really more of a low-rent, bottom-shelf bitch when compared to you.  ANYway, Kelly all gets on Jackie's ass about slathering on some sunblock instead of oil and Jackie's all lamenting her sobriety with, "Oh, honey, I've given up every vice in the world, don't take away my tan."

So then the mother/daughter definition of Class And Sophistication settle in and Jackie very astutely points out, "You know, without a margarita to play with, sitting on a lounge chair is really dreadful." So are most things in life, Jackie.  

So Kelly, who looks very pretty in that shade of blue, tells her mother, "Mmm, well you must not be facing the right direction," and then they scam on some dudes, as only a mid-forties gal with that hair and wearing that swimsuit and her low-self-esteemed and insecure daughter who will do anything (i.e. throw her best friend over) for dick, can.

So first up is this Totally '90s Guy, wearing WHAT'S UP MOSSIMO BITCHES.  Mossimo was my jam when I was in middle school...which is actually a filthy lie, since it was sold at Target and Target was too "high-class" for my family; we were more of Kmart Klan, if I'm being completely honest here.  Mervyn's? That was like fucking Barney's or some shit to us.  The first time I walked into a Mervyn's, I was convinced that these ladies were going to appear...

...and tell me that the Cheetah by Mervyn's top I was looking at was very expensive and then, "I don't think we have anything for you.  You're obviously in the wrong place.  Please leave."

WHERE WAS I??? Oh, yeah.  So then they check out this guy...

...and then Jackie asks Kelly about THIS guy...

...who Kelly has this appropriate reaction to, all, "Ew, gross." And Jackie tells her that "You can still afford to be picky," because Jackie's apparently some dried-up old drug addict with horrible hair.  Oh, wait.

So then Kelly's all, "Now that's more like it," and we cut to Steve in his Steve SAUNders Summer Special, which now also includes THOSE SUNGLASSES as well as what appears to be one of those hats with the clown hair attached to the back of it.  Because seriously, no one would honestly wear their hair like that, right? RIGHT???  So we're supposed to believe that Kelly was referring to Steve, which is what Jackie thinks, asking, "Steve? I thought you guys were history?" and rather than immediately lapsing into some kind of coma-like fugue state and unknowingly beating Jackie to death on the deck of the BHBC, Kelly's all, "Not Steve, mother. Kyle Connor," who's this guy:

Most Likely Gay Kyle.  Who's also known as Ted, the dude from Hey, Dude:

His hair was really trashy on that show, too.  He is also known as Vinnie Bonitardi...

...Blossom's Trashy-Haired Boyfriend from Blossom.  Confession: speaking of "trashy-haired," I had a big crush on Ted "Blossom's Dad" Wass here.  When I was like, 11.  And yes: I was an immensely troubled kid.

Back to this: so then Jackie's all, "Youth is definitely wasted on the young," Which I guess means that she wants to bone Kyle? Or the guy with the pony and the boobs? Or STEVE??? I don't know.

Next we have early-'80s stock footage of some thrashin' waves.

Dylan and this Total Cliche walk up to the surf and HERE WE GO, Dylan's all, "Well, Mystical Surf Wizard, what does your wisdom tell us about these massive sets of destruction?" and Point Break already had its Johnny Utah at this point, Dylan.  In fact, the movie was released 13 days prior to this episode airing.  Feel old yet? Also: thanks, IMDB! So then Mystical Surf Wizard surfily tells him, "I think we're in for a serious pounding.  Anybody who would go out in them has gotta be loony." Then why did you get all jazzed up in your gear and lug your board out to the breakers, Brodad, if you weren't even gonna attempt to set up shop in all that Green Roomy, tubed-out goodness? Also: I don't know who I am anymore and kind of fucking hate myself.  So Mystical Surf bozo walks away and Dylan stares at the water and zips up his wetsuit, obviously indicating to the audience that he's just the "loony" to catch a wave and be sittin' on top of the world.  Or something.

Over to West Bev we go, where guys wear both back-and-fanny packs simultaneously, and girls rove the halls dressed like Working Girl.

Inside, AHHHHHHNdrea is OF COURSE being a pest and all Nosy Rosy Brenda Starr about Dylan's dad, even though she's not even really friends with Dylan and it's none of her goddamn business, so shut UP, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, which is basically what Brenda tells her, and then AHHHHHNdrea looks all butt-hurt.  Unfortunately for her, no one, including ALL plant-life indigenous to Southern California, cares.

Inside Garg's class, he's asking everyone questions about Shakespeare...

...which of course AHHHHHHHNdrea knows all the answers to.  The only thing even semi-interesting about this scene is Garg calling AHHHHHHNdrea, "Anne-drea," and AHHHHHHHNdrea correcting him in the most grating, pretentiously AHHHHHHHNdrea-way possible, even though she never corrected Brandon in the early episodes of the series when he would call her "Anne-drea." Nor will she correct any of the other main characters who insist on mispronouncing her name (coughStevecough) in later seasons.

So because this scene and plot line as a whole are equivalent to being held hostage for a few weeks and then released unscathed and then on your first day back home being gunned down in a drive-by shooting and dying a horribly bloody death, let me hurry it along and tell you that Donna...

...and David get chosen by Garg to perform a scene from Romeo & Juliet.  Also: I wonder how the rest of the class feels about not ever being selected for things or acknowledged whatsoever.  I'd be kind of bummed, I guess.

Back at the beach, Kelly continues to eye-rape Kyle as he plays volleyball in his oddly 1930s-looking beach attire.

Sadly for the universe, Brandon adds "Masturbation Fantasy Sequence Ruiner" to his already official title of "Life Ruiner" and interrupts Kelly to tease her about her ogling of Kyle.  Whatever.

So then Kyle serves the ball and Steve biffs it and it rolls over to Kelly.  Isn't this just an engrossing turn of events?

So then Most Likely Gay (And Not All That) Kyle runs over to get the ball back from Kelly, and she totally attempts this Sexy Minx routine that she probably learned from observing Jackie in action with her johns...I mean, "dates," except that it's more brutally awkward than anything else and it's clear as day that Kyle would rather be staring at Steve's exquisite radish-hued chest than talking to Kelly, so to get her to stop her creepy seduction of him, he agrees to give her private volleyball lessons starting the next morning.

So then Steve calls over, "Hey, we playing or what?" and I mean, how can anyone possibly resist this oiled-up, Pennywise-haired Adonis?  HOW???

H.O.W., kitchen.  Where for some reason, Brenda's invited AHHHHHHHNdrea over.  Maybe she had to borrow her bus pass or something.

And I know that you can't really tell from this still, but Cindy looks pretty and sort of stylish in this scene.  But she ruins it by having some dorkmeier conversation about Macbeth with AHHHHHHHNdrea...

...which causes Brenda to rightfully make this face towards the both of them.

So the phone rings and Brenda goes to get it so that she doesn't have to keep listening to a really uninteresting conversation between the two forty-five-year-olds, and it's someone calling to say that Brandon randomly died in a surfing accident.  Oh, that was just the plot of the fan-fiction I created for this episode? Never mind, someone's actually calling to tell them that Dylan was hurt in a surfing accident and he's at the hospital.  I know.  Totally anti-climactic after my idea, right?

Some hospital.  Cedars? UCLA? Whatever.  Also, this exterior shot right here will be used for INFINITY on this show.  Seriously, I'm pretty certain there are some hospital scenes in Season 10 that use this same shot.  With all the cars from 1983 parked in the lot.

Inside to the emergency room, where Brenda and her Vulvodynia Jeans that are giving her four camel toes, by my calculations, are just able to waltz in through the ambulance bay.

SWOOOOON.  She spots Dylan and gently wakes him up and he asks how she knew and she tells him, "When you were unconscious the paramedics found Brandon's name and phone number in your car [how did they know which one was his car? I'm sure they just figured the guy with those SIDEBURNS would be driving such a sexy car.]. You scared me."

So Dylan's all, "It was awesome," and Brenda tells him he's lucky to be alive and then Dylan says, "You look like an angel," and then she mounts him and they have some smokin' hot E.R. sex, because, C'MON, PEOPLE.  After they finish up with their Hot Slut fornication, Brenda tells him that she called him the night before and asks why he didn't call back, and he says that he couldn't talk to anyone, and she's all selfishly, "Not even me?" and well, since you're the one who broke up with the guy because it was getting too scary and going too fast and fucking whatever, he probably didn't feel that he could confide in you since you bailed on him when the going got tough.  You guys know I'm All About Brenda, but seriously.  Shut up, Brenda. So he apologizes for not picking up the phone, and presumably for his outgoing answering machine message.  She then asks if his father knows that his son almost, you know, DIED, and according to Dylan, Jack's lawyers were at the hospital earlier to give the doctors permission to treat him.  Dylan's mom? Nowhere to be found, because she's a piece of shit.  So then he tells Brenda, "I need you, Bren," and then every nurse in every wing in the hospital produces enough tears and panty pudding to flood the building and Brenda and Dylan get back together and The End.  Except lamentably, none of that actually happens.

What does end up happening is Brenda reassures him that everything's going to be fine and says she has to go and then MOUTH-KISSES HIM and Dylan's all, "Don't leave," and fuuuuuuuuck, she's got a lot of will power.  Which is tested again as she walks away and he all Sad Sackily calls after her, "Brenda!" Seriously, you guys, I didn't even mind that I could see Dylan's nipples throughout most of that scene.

Brenda heads out to the waiting area to meet Cindy (I guess they ditched AHHHHHNdrea, which really, who wouldn't?) and Cindy breaks it down for Brenda, telling her that since Dylan's parents are HUGELY negligent dingleberries embedded in the hind-quarter fur of society, and they're very obviously not around to take care of their bruised and battered son, Dylan will be taking up residency at the House Of Walsh for a bit until he recovers.  Brenda throws a hissy as only she can and tells her mother, "Dylan and I broke up, remember? I can't have him living in our house," which, I get, because that would be mad uncomfortable.  But I also seem to recall Brenda coming to terms with the end of their relationship and making it after all Mary Tyler Moore StyleZ in the last episode, as well as the fact that, as Cindy points out, Dylan is Brandon's only friend (well, except for Steve, but who counts Steve? For anything?), so suck it up, Buttercup.  Your smoldering ex-boyfriend and his Sideburns Of Steel are shackin' up.

Later that evening back at H.O.W., Cindy's prepared their guest a delicious-looking something and asks Brenda to take it up to him in Brandon's room, and Brenda acts like a straight snatch about it all, "Sorry mom, it was your idea, I'm not gonna play Nancy Nurse...I mean, first you and dad tell me not to sleep with him and then you tuck him in the next bedroom?" and what the hell were all those emergency room dramatics about, then? The crying? The kissing? The demanding to know why he didn't call her back? I truly feel like the spirit of Brandon (who's still unfortunately alive) has somehow possessed Brenda this episode, and this is why she's acting like such an illogical twat.  Anyway, Brenda beats it the fuck out of the house, and to this I say, "Good riddance."

Upstairs, YES! It's (I believe) the first appearance of The Neville Brothers poster over Brandon's bed! Because nothin' says "teenage boy's bedroom" like a poster for The FUCKING NEVILLE BROTHERS.  I also love the generic "Football" poster there.  It's like some set designer was like, "16-year-old guys like sports.  AND music.  Here - just tack these random posters from Sam Goody to the wall and call it a fucking day." ANYway, Brandon's probably all excited because Dylan's sleeping in his bed, and demonstrates said excitement by forgetting all social graces and flinging his be-shoe'd foot up on the mattress, like, WHAT THE FUCK.  I mean, I wouldn't do that, anywhere, but honestly, the sidewalks and streets of Los Angeles are so beyond foul (and yes, I'm certain they're fairly disgusting in Beverly Hills, too), the mere thought of putting my shoes up on anything, knowing that they could very well have HUMAN FECES on them, is the precise definition of KILL ME NOW.  Whatever, Brandon calls Dylan "Jones," (because he's weirdly obsessed with Dylan and has to copy everything he does and says) and tells him that he, Brandon, doesn't mind Dylan sleeping in his bed.  Probably because his sheets will smell of Dylan the next morning.  Oh, and then Brandon implies that Dylan's mind was elsewhere, which is why he wiped out, and Dylan calls Brandon "Sigmund" and says that it has nothing to do with Trash Heap Father Jack McKay.

Cindy interrupts the boys to bring in Dylan's dinner, and Dylan graciously thanks Cindy for taking him in.  Dylan then asks after Brenda, and Cindy is a really poor liar and makes excuses about Brenda's whereabouts and then everyone talks shit on Brenda and how stubborn she is.  Cindy leaves and Dylan asks, "What about El Padrino?" and Brandon's all, "Ahh, don't worry about him, he's cool," and instead of laughing himself to death, Dylan informs Brandon, "You're dad is a lot of things.  'Cool' is not one of them.  And you, Brandon, are a lot of things.  And 'cool' is not one of them, either.  And neither are 'likeable,' 'non-dickish,' 'non-pube-faced,' 'logical,' 'level-headed,' 'attractive,' 'non-shitbaggy' and probably a lot of other descriptors I'm not thinking of at the moment."  Only maybe not like, 95% of that.

Cut to: Jim at some La Quinta Inn, sorting his socks or some shit, talking to Cindy and admonishing her for allowing Dylan's presence in their home.  Because he thinks, much like his louse of a son did with some vagranty-looking cooze, Brenda and Dylan are going to bone all over H.O.W.  But with Brandon, it was okay; with Brenda, it would be considered a mortal sin punishable by being burned at the stake in the Backyard Of Walsh.

Cindy basically tells Jim to eat a deuce and die, and that if Brenda doesn't ride Dylan's wang, she will.  Although it sounds more like, "Dylan's parents are pond scum dwellers.  He's going to stay with us because I'm a decent human being and he has no one else to take care of him."

GERG.  Upstairs in Brenda's room, Brandon actually knocks for once in his goddamn existence instead of just barging in with his tube-sock-stuffed jeans.  So he sees his sister reading, and instead of respecting her time to do what is presumably homework, he's all, "Hamlet, huh?"

And then Shannen Doherty has the misfortune of  having to utter the line, "To be a bitch or not to be a bitch, that is the question," and between this and Dylan's, "Me thinks thou art stylin'" from the "Spring Dance" episode, I'm liable to cry myself to sleep for ALL the nights.  So Brenda then tells Brandon, "I thought that we could stay friends but that's before he moved in," and instead of crying myself to sleep I think I'll just down a bunch of Zzzquil And Sleepy Time Tea cocktails and hope for the best! And by "best," I of course mean "death" because "BEFORE HE MOVED IN"??? SPARE ME.  And then Brandon tells her that Dylan called her stubborn and I never thought a story line involving my two favorite characters could induce such a flaming yearning inside of me to turn off the t.v. and sit and stare at a blank wall for the rest of my days.

So of course Brenda marches to Brandon's room and advises Dylan that she is not stubborn, and Dylan asks if she's avoiding him and then she goes into her lame-o rhetoric of "I made a promise to myself," and  "I need this time" and "I'm not ready," and "I need to think things out to be sure about what I want," and "NO ONE INCLUDING THE AMISH, SHAKERS, QUAKERS, MENNONITES, HUTTERITES OR FANCY DUTCH, CARES," only it was maybe me who said that last part.

And then Dylan's all, "Don't make me beg, Bren.  I won't," and then KISSING.

And then as she gives him a really brusque, invalid handy, he does this.  Only actually she gets up and accidentally hits him in the chest and tells him, "Dylan, I'm sorry I can't."

Later: Dylan's all restless...

...as is Brenda, and it's all very reminiscent of the "The Contest" episode from Seinfeld, although, as far as I know, neither Brenda or Dylan have entered into any challenge to not pleasure themselves, so why they don't just rub one out while thinking of the other one, I don't know.

Anyway, all of that bedridden lawwwwwwwnging was just a tease to preface THIS: Sexy Jack and Jill Bathroom High Jinks.  Both Dylan...

...and Brenda arrive at the same time. 

And then they stand there and argue over who should get to take a big grumper in the toilet first.  And Dylan makes this hand motion, which is cute.  Why? I don't fucking know, it just is.

So it's decided that Dylan's going to stink up the bathroom first, given the fact that it was harder for him to get up, and then as Brenda's closing the door, Dylan assumes this really Sleeping With The Enemy kind of pose, like he's all menacing over her for not lining up the hand towels evenly or something.  But he looks pretty hot (if not skeletally skinny) while doing it.  So, YAY for domestic violence! (Ed. Note: None of us here at Let's Make Fun Of All The Clothes From Famous Original Beverly Hills, 90210, endorses or condones domestic violence of any kind.  Unless someone really has it coming to them.  Like, when Brandon eventually marries - that is, if any woman of sound mind will have him [SPOILER ALERT THEY WON'T] - his wife should be able to pummel him about the neck and head, repeatedly, on a daily basis. With a tire iron.) Also: in case anyone hadn't noticed, Late-'80s/Early-'90s Julia Roberts And Her Movies played a very important role in my non-life as a preteen.  And my non-life now.

The next day at the BHBC, Kyle wears a tank top and it really chaps my hide.  And he teaches Kelly the finer points of beach volleyball.  Whatever.

Steve, in FUCKING Lakers pee-yellow and eggplant-purple, and Brandon, slacking off his goddamn job yet again, talk about the Kelly/Kyle burgeoning romance, and Brandon's all, "Kelly doesn't get up at the crack of dawn for just anybody, Steve," and Steve, Mr. Tact And Class Wrapped In Gaudy Bow And Covered In White-Blonde Pubes, tells him, "It's a summer fling, he can have her," because I forgot Steve owns the land rights to Kelly and can lease her out whenever he chooses.  And then Brandon says that Kyle mentioned he had a girlfriend at Beverly High School, during one of the numerous conversations we've never seen between Kyle and Brandon.

Back over to the two Ks, and Kelly gets an owwy after hitting the ball and Kyle's all, "Walk it off," and Kelly's baby-talks, "But it hurts," and then Kyle like, rubs her arm, and WOW, these two have all the sizzling chemistry and sexual energy between them that is just electrifying!  And by "these two have all the sizzling chemistry and sexual energy between them that is just electrifying!" I of course mean, "these two have all the appeal of bowl of three-day-old Malt-O-Meal covered in matted dog fur and the compatibility of one Steve 'Rosy Teats' SAUNders and ANYONE of the female variety," which is to say NO ONE CARES and SNOOOOOOOOZERS.  Before we move on, let me give you the riveting details of Kyle asking Kelly to go on a date that will end really horribly and embarrassingly for the both of them.  Only he maybe doesn't mention that last part.

There is this really cute and genuine moment after he asks her and she says yes, where Kelly runs off and she kind of giggles (annoying, yes, but sweet) and squeals out, "Yes!" because she's so excited about their date.  If only someone could warn her that Kyle's sexual confusion is eventually going to lead to her self-esteem plummeting even further into the depths of oblivion and her only way out will be to make herself feel better by proving that she can steal her best friend's boyfriend.   

Sadly for Kelly, she runs right into Steve, whose claymation hair was obviously piped onto his head with a #1D basketweave pastry bag tip.

So he rains on her home-wrecking parade all, "Kelly, did you know he's got a girlfriend?" But because she has diddly-squat respect for any other woman's relationship with a man, her only response is, "Steve, did you know you're being a jerk?" Steve is a jerk, as well as a lot of other horrible, despicable things, but in this instance, I'd say he's just trying to be helpful.  I mean, I'm certain he thinks that Kelly will come running back into his fuchsia-dappled arms once Kyle fucks her over.  But at least he's first attempting to save her some embarrassment and whatever minuscule amount of pride she has left.

Over to WBHHS.  Brenda's rattling off some Shakespeare something or other.  From Hamlet.  Which I only know because I Googled it.  Because my dearth of knowledge consists of this show.  And Full House, Growing Pains and Saved By The Bell.  Oh! AND, Saved By The Bell: The College Years.  Take THAT, Higher Education! So anywhatever, here's what she says: "The sweet bells jangled out of tune and harsh.  That unmatched form and feature of blown youth.  Blasted with ecstasy.  Oh woe is me t' have seen what I have seen, see what I see." And then Garg goes APE-SHIT, like all, "WOOOOOO!" and "YEAH!" and clapping like a total buffoon.  Like, DUDE, it wasn't even all that great.  She just kind of...said it.  So then he starts jerking himself off over her performance, to release the tension in his balls, and he's all, "I don't know Brenda, that was pretty terrific.  You really understand Ophelia."

And then Brenda says to Donna, "Maybe it's because I'm sharing a bathroom with Hamlet." She makes no mention of Mel Gibson or Polinius.  Which is unfortunate.

And then these two losers laugh and laugh as if they know ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.  YOU WEREN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE CONVERSATION.  Shut up, you two.  FOREVER.  Oh, and then Garg mentions the fucking Romeo & Juliet scene between David and Donna the next day that we're supposed to care about but don't and then wacky music plays.

Back to the beach club, where Jackie's dressed as a younger, much more low-classy version of The Iconic Blanche Devereaux and asking Kelly what they should have for dinner, and Kelly sort of reluctantly lets her unstable, addict mother who might take a dive off the wagon at any moment know that she has a date with Kyle, and that he's (LAUGHABLY) Mr. BMOC Sport-o at West Bev and Jackie's all, "Sounds like he has very good hands," and the more we hear from Jackie the more we understand what deep psychological damage was done to Kelly growing up to make her into the raging boy-crazy, ego-maniacal succubus whose self-worth only comes from the shaft of a penis she truly is.  So then Jackie's all, "At least one of us is having some fun," because of course as a woman, you can only have fun when it involves a man, and Kelly tells her to get out of the cabana and go find some dudes to fuck on the beach or something, and Jackie is nearly as delusional as Steve and advises, "It's gonna take me a while before I remember how to be sexy and charming without being inebriated," and as I recall...

...YES. THIS was exactly the embodiment of "sexy" and "charming." This picture of Our Beloved Jackie Taylor reeks of cultivated savoir faire and a little thing called rarefied beauty and anyone who says differently is just Hagsville, Population: Jealous Hater Biotch.

Over to these two.  Practicing for Romeo & Juliet.  It's established that they're both horrible actors, which we, the viewing audience, were already INNATELY aware of.  You can sort of start to see Donna's non-sternum.  David's voice induces ear-bleeding.  Donna doesn't want to work with David and tells him, "You can be totally humiliated all by yourself because I quit," and then huffs off.  I would venture to say that David's humiliated all by himself each and every day when he walks out into the world with that wardrobe, that hair, that face and that voice, but that's just a guess.  David says the line, "Parting is such sweet sorrow" and I go and stick my head in the oven, which is where I'm currently writing this from.  Oh, and also? NO ONE CARES.  Moving the fuck along.

Over to the H.O.W., Brenda arrives home calling for Cindy, but Dylan calls out from the living room that Cindy isn't home.

She goes into the living room to see Dylan laying on the couch, where he says it's just him and Oprah.  And his hideous Screech pants.  And then there's this whole rigmarole where he asks her to bring him a sandwich and an apple and a blanket, but really, we're all just waiting for her to ask him, "Will that be all?"

And Dylan's all, "One more thing," and Brenda's all, "What?" and Dylan's all, "You," and then looks at her like this and then...

INFINITY YASSSSSSSSES.  And she tells him, "You know, the hardest thing I ever had to do was try to stay away from you." Which...ugh, don't get me started.  Let's just enjoy the Hotness these two Sluts are gifting us with.

And then These Hot Sluts mack like there's no tomorrow.

Unfortunately for life forms many universes-wide, Jim chooses this exact moment to walk in the door and catch his daughter dry humping her injured boyfriend on the sofa.  And look, I'm not saying that would be the most pleasant scene for a dad to see his daughter in, but OF COURSE and true to form, Jim flips ALL THE FUCKS out, yelling that Dylan's all taking advantage of the Walshes hospitality by taking advantage of Brenda...? I don't know.  And: WHATEVER.  I seem to recall Cindy walking in on Brandon and Grandma Sheryl making out in his bedroom, on his bed as well as, you know, HEARING them have sex and doing nothing more than saying, "Oh, sorry."  Then there's another moment in Season 3 where Cindy walks in on Brandon and Nicki making out in his room, also on his bed.  So to summarize: Cindy has really poor timing and rudely doesn't knock before entering people's rooms and also, ONCE AGAIN, Brandon's #1 and Does No Wrong and Brenda's like, a distant fourth behind Wally and Margarita and ALWAYS does wrong.  FUCK YOU WALSH PARENTS.  And by "WALSH PARENTS" I of course mean, "MOSTLY JIM."

Oh, and then there's this really rad Brenda Dramatic moment where, as Jim storms out of the room, Shannen Doherty gets all up in the camera's grill and cries out, "DAD! It's not like that at all!" Aaaaand, SCENE.

Later that evening, Brenda's in the Hallway Of Walsh, listening in on her parents, presumably in their bedroom, talking about the events of earlier in the afternoon, with Jim being typically irate and Cindy typically trying to get Jim to calm the fuck down.  Cindy tells her dweeb husband, "Jim, they were just kissing!" and Jim's all, "It was a little more than that and if I hadn't walked in it would've gone a lot further." Oh, you mean they might've actually had SEX IN YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOU WERE THERE??? I can't imagine the kind of pig-dog who would do something as indelicate and appalling as that.

And then Dylan arrives in the hall to hear his ex-girlfriend's shitty father talk a bunch of smack on him, carrying an apple that he's presumably going to polish on his abs or bandages or both.  Anyway, Jim basically says that Dylan can stay until he's better and then he needs to get the fuck out.  And Brenda's all, "I'm sorry," and Dylan tells her, "It's not your fault, Bren."

Back at the beach club HERE WE GO.  Kyle's feigning coolness by letting his pleathery-looking bomber-jacket atrocity fall from one shoulder and Kelly's wearing what appears to be a cute turquoise denim-y? jacket? Kyle also thought he'd look really butch by bringing an Olde Timey lantern with them, so that's there, too.  So basically, Kyle feeds Kelly's ego by telling her that she's the hottest girl at West Bev and then she asks about his supposed girlfriend, and Kyle tells her that they broke up and Kelly asks why and Kyle says, "Because she didn't have a dick," only not really.

So then Kelly decides this is the perfect time to pretend to be The Wild And Crazy Chick and starts stripping.

She continues to strip as she heads toward the water, because she doesn't want to ruin her nice clothes as she's drowning herself? Hopefully? No?

I've never screamed "Undertow! Undertow!" at my television more in my life.

Kyle's just as disgusted and troubled by all of the baby-talking, squealing and giggling Kelly's doing in this scene as I am.  He's also really perturbed by the just awful Poor-Quality Jennie Garth Voiceover that's used here, as well as Kelly's titties and beav as she emerges from the drink and he tosses her a towel to cover up, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, please cover up.

Poor, oblivious Kelly.  Her and her completely dry hair wrap themselves in a towel and are all, "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time." Of course it did, sweetie.  Of course it did.

Kelly doesn't catch on too quick (or at all, ever) and misreads all of Kyle's totally obvious cues that he's totally repulsed by all of this, and tries to be all minx-y and says, "That's okay.  There's a lot we can do on dry land," and then goes in for a kiss, even though his face pretty much looks like this the entire time, i.e. like he's going to be physically ill.  So then he pushes Kelly off of him and tells her, "I'm sorry, I'm not into this." And then she tells him that she thought he liked her, and he says that he did but that she's coming on really strong, and she says that Steve was right and that Kyle's playing all of these mind games with her.  And then he's all, "Look, Kelly, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea," and she's basically like, "WTF? What did you expect me to think? You ask me out here...fine," which seriously.  It's not like he took her to some evening at the library.  This was a pretty apparent "romantic"-type date.  Anyhow, Kelly says that she feels like such a fool.  As she should.  But mostly because she once dated Steve.

So then Kyle's all, "Kelly, I'm sorry!" and then Kelly gets up and does this and tells him, "Just take me home." Uhhh, I think I'd call a cab.  Or Donna or something.  Fuck Most Likely Gay Kyle.  He can eat a dick.  No, like really.  He should.  Because maybe once he comes to terms with who he is he'll not be such a shit-sack.

Back over to Brenda's room at the H.O.W.  She's sleeping and Dylan wearing his poncho blanket and places a note on her nightstand.  And then covers her up with the blanket and then kisses his hand and touches her head! Altogether now: AWWWWWWW! Oh, and then he beats it the fuck out of there.  And I really enjoyed this scene, seeing as there was no dialogue to transcribe.

Brenda wakes up the next morning and sees the note.  Also: apologies for the continued poor quality of the screenshots this episode.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that because this is like the 97th time I've watched these DVDs, they're finally showing signs of their overuse.

A while later, Brenda comes down to the K.O.W., looking lovely in lavender, and says to her as usual be-suspendered father, "I hope you're satisfied," and Jim's all, "Whuh?" and she explains Dylan's note and how he's left the house, never to return (I mean, I assume that's what it said and/or implied).

And then FUCK YEAH she starts to flounce out of the house and Jim asks, "Where're you going?" and Brenda gets this face on and is all, "To find him.  And when I do to say I'm sorry for having a father that's such a jerk!" YESSSSSSSSSSS.

BHBC.  Kyle's trying to outrun his homosexuality on the beach.  And while I'm no Kyle-fan, and I find his wardrobe to be quite objectionable, I don't wish what happens to him next upon anyone.

THE RETURN OF STEVE'S BELLY SHIRT.  NOOOOOOooooooooo! What fresh fucking abyss is this??? I thought this thing had died along with the Jim, Brandon And Steve Coach A Little League Baseball Team Who We'll Never Hear From Again story line. WHO in the wardrobe department okay'ed it showing its face again??? By which I mean WHO IN SATAN'S HAND-MAIDEN HELL APPROVED THIS BUBONIC PLAGUE UPON THE GLOBULAR ORGANS MONSTROSITY??? TWICE??? Also: the death cramps and pain I've been feeling in my lower abdomen since last weekend and just recently started to feel relief from? Are back, and I also think my stomach might just be attempting to escape from my person out of my asshole.  I'll keep you posted.  Blah blah Steve tries to get the 4-1-1 on Kyle's date with Kelly, calls him "handsome" in the process and generally acts like the belly-bearing boor we've all come to know and abhor blah, Kyle's basically like, "Later," and runs away from Steve.  As we've all run away from Steve.  At least in our minds, anyway.

Back to the cabanas, where Kelly walks up wearing a pretty cute dress/beach cover-up.

Kyle, looking like he took tips from fucking Uncle Jesse in the Kokomo music video, comes up to Kelly, all begging to talk and being mostly pathetic and poorly coiffed.

Kelly pretty much tells him to take a flying fuck.

MY ENTRAILS.  Steve comes up after Kyle goes to fuck off and die and asks Kelly, "Summer fling over so soon?"

Kelly throws up in her mouth because of having to look at Steve's breadbasket and realizing that his penis has been inside of her, swallows back the bile and then tells the curly-headed chump, "Get lost, Steve," which is what multiple people should say to Steve every hour of every day.

GOD.  Can we just blow through this because NO ONE, INCLUDING EVERYONE IN ALL OF THE MEGACOSM cares? Okay, David approaches Donna and gets her to admit that she, too, is a horrible actor so that she'll go along with some plan to get them an A in Garg's class.  When is their class? What time of day is it right now? Garg said that they'd be presenting "tomorrow," meaning this day, right here, the one that we're currently watching.  If it's day/morning-time, wouldn't they be in class? Why do I care??? None of these questions are ever answered.

Back to H.O.W.  Brenda's telling the only other person in her family who matters even a little bit, Cindy, as well as Brandon that she went to the condo and the hotel and no Dylan.  Cindy gets off the phone with who we eventually find out is one of Jack's lawyers and informs the kids that on the morning of his accident, Dylan was to have been on a plane to Hawaii to spend the summer with his totally lax and derelict mother.  Gee, what a treat.  I know I'd want to spend my summer with some deadbeat hussy who abandoned me years before.  Also, I'd really like to remind everyone who's acting so blase and non-chalant here that  A SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY IS MISSING.  I realize that Luke Perry looks 27 but his character's a minor and HE'S MISSING.  Wouldn't most adult-types be all scared and calling the cops and generally freaking out? Guess not.

BHBC, nighttime.  Some worker-type is checking around deck area.

Dylan emerges from the shadows and breaks into a cabana.  But he first has to crack his knuckles before he gets to burgling to make himself look extra-shady and up to no good.  Also: the Sweet Gee-Tar Riff is back! Also-also: where the fuck did Dylan stay the night before???

Once he's inside he lights up his Zippo and looks at the grody wallpaper plastered to the walls.  If you haven't figured out by now that this cabana once belonged to Dylan and his family, then there's really no hope left for you and you should probably slit your wrists with a Dixon Ticonderoga and call it a damn day.

So then Dylan lays down on some tacky futon-looking thing and takes a cue from Brandon and throws his shoes up on the couch as well.  This scene is also lacking any sort of dialogue other than the following, where Dylan "remembers" or whatever.

Inside his "memory" or some shit, Young Dylan is playing with some toys on the floor of his beach club cabana.  From outside, Young...er Not Real Jack McKay calls, "Dylan! Come out here, Son! You're missin' all the fun!" because he was apparently a much better father who was much more attentive to his son's needs back in the mid-to-late '70s.

Cut to outside and Young Dylan runs out into the water to greet Younger Not Real Jack McKay in the surf.  Also: Younger Not Real Jack McKay is wearing white swim trunks.  Dude.

So Younger Not Real Jack McKay picks up Young Dylan and Young Dylan's all, "Don't drop me, Daddy! Don't drop me!" and Younger Not Real Jack McKay is all, "I'll never drop you, Son.  I promise! I'll always be here for you.  I'll never let you fall," and then we get that echo-y effect where we just hear Younger Not Real Jack McKay saying, "I'll always be here for you.  I'll never let you fall.  I'll always be here for you.  I'll never let you fall," on a loop.  DO YOU GET IT??? DO YOU??? Because Current Day Not Real Jack McKay HAS let his son down and HAS let him fall???  DO YOU GET IT NOW???

Back in real-time, Dylan weeps.  Probably because the manipulative, cloying scene we were just subjected to exacerbated his painful bout of gastrointeritis, just as it did with mine.

The next morning at the beach club, Brandon comes out to clean up all the garbage that was swept up onto the deck from the infamous summer storm.  He does a really poor job if it, too, leaving like, 90% behind.

So Brandon sees the open doors to Dylan's cabana, and he harkens back to his The Blaze-instituted Mad Investigative Journalist Skillz and goes to check it out.  Too bad AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's not around - she'd LOVE to get the scoop! 

So once he's inside, he sees Dylan sleeping all squatter-like on the futon.

Dylan awakens all hobo-ly and informs Brandon, "I just needed a place to crash." Which...why couldn't he have gone to the condo, which is where I guess he was in his first scene of this episode?  Unless it was seized or something immediately following Not Real Jack McKay's capture/surrender? Was that where he was the night before? Except that it couldn't have been since Brenda said she had checked there.  Can someone please hire a contract killer to come to my house and strangle me with the cord from my Ikea LINDMON Venetian blinds? I'll pay!

So Brandon doesn't ask any of the questions I just asked and just says, "You can't crash here, Henry'll call the cops, c'mon." So then Dylan leads him over to this door frame to show him this height chart-thing that parents sometimes do, and lo and behold, there's Dylan's name.  And his height, which isn't much shorter than Brandon right this very moment.  So Brandon manages to finally figure out that this used to be Dylan's family's cabana.  Way to go, Sherlock.

So they leave the cabana and Dylan is the Ultimate In White Trash in this outfit, and Brandon's all interrogating his friend about why he wasn't on the plane to Hawaii and Dylan explains that his mother is the last person he wants to see at the moment and Brandon tells him, "She's your mom, man.  She loves you," because yes, she's proven that in spades, you fucking toadstool.  Shut ALL THE FUCKS UP, Brandon, especially about shit you know nothing about.  Which is everything.  So shut up, ALWAYS.  Dylan then informs PUKE-FUCK Brandon, "Your mom's always there when you needed her, mine wasn't, she was too busy out finding herself," and Brandon can only condescendingly reply with, "C'mon, she can't be all that bad," because, OH RIGHT.  Unless Brandon's experienced it, NOTHING can be that bad.  Not everyone has great parents, BrandUUUUUUUHn.  Some parents are shitty and abandon their children and are pieces of filth.  Why Dylan didn't put himself up for adoption a decade ago is beyond me, given the two prizes he was bestowed with as parental units.

Thank GOD for Dylan, they meet up with Kyle, who interrupts the stream of nonsense coming out of Brandon's mouth, and who looks nearly as low-rent as Dylan does.  Any by the smile on his face, I'd say Kyle has a crush on Dylan like the rest of the world does.  And, smitten kitten that he is, Kyle informs Dylan of a volleyball game he's getting together for the morning, and he's seriously shown way more interest in Dylan in all of 30 seconds than he showed in Kelly over the course of ALL of their conversations.  And quite frankly, I can't blame him.

Speaking of Kelly, she walks by at that moment and Kyle accosts her again, apologizing for what happened the other night and telling Kelly that he thinks she's beautiful.  So Kelly responds to that with, "But I'm not your type," and Kyle's all, "I don't even know what my type is," and I'd say, "A man of some kind," but no one asked me.  And then he claims that he might still be thinking about his old girlfriend and throws around the whole "let's be friends" drivel and then they're going to play volleyball later and everything's resolved, Just Like That.  Only not because we haven't gotten to Kyle's very vague-ish admission that he likes dudes.

Back to the H.O.W. and Brenda's putting dishes in the dishwasher and OF COURSE Jim's one of THOSE people who thinks there's a singularly correct way to load a dishwasher and I hate him, I HATE HIM SO MUCH.  So then they get into it about Jim not being able to deal with his "little girl" taking pregnancy tests and whatever, and she gets all Brenda Hysterical about him kicking Dylan out and that she has to help him and needs Jim's help...in order to help Dylan.  Or something.

So they hug and Jim tells her, "It's gonna be alright.  We'll all take care of him," and oh, Jim, you big softie.  I knew you couldn't be completely immune to the charms of Dylan's sideburns.

BHBC.  Steve is playing volleyball, shirtless (I guess the belly-shirt was all Jimbo Jones-chafing him following his beach run), against Kelly and Kyle.  He keeps smacking the ball right at Kelly all hard, which, because She's A Girl, she can't deal with it and is all, "What's your problem?" and Kyle adds, "Man, what's the deal here?"

So then Steve says, "Hey, this is an A-game.  If she can't take the heat then she shouldn't play," and then LITERALLY SNAPS HIS FINGERS LIKE THIS, all Men On Films Blaine Edwards and OH DEAR GOD THAT WAS SPECTACULAR.

And then because Kyle maybe? has a crush on Steve? he runs over and tackles him to the ground and straddles him all, "You know what your problem is, Sanders? You just don't know when to give up," and...I don't know what that means.  Give up what? His bizarre and obsessive preoccupation with Kelly? If that's what Kyle's referring to, then I wholeheartedly agree.  And then Steve's all Lowest Common Denominator, AS ALWAYS, and says, "I suggest you get off me.  Mr. Macho, right.  You take a cheap first shot and you can't even make it with Kelly Taylor? What kinda guy are you?"

So Kelly jumps to Kyle's defense, telling Steve that she fucked him real good the other evening.  Whatever.  This story line is such a waste.  Even though we see Kyle in later episodes in Seasons 2 and 3, I really couldn't care less about him, his gayness, or if he and Steve will ever give into their temptations and From Here To Eternity themselves all over the BHBC shoreline.

WBHHS.  Garg is being all garg-y and requesting David's and Donna's presence for their performance.

So then a bunch of wacky stupid high jinks brain-bleedingly cretinous shit ensues, with David...

...OF COURSE playing Juliet, and Donna...

...OF COURSE playing Romeo.

And because the room is apparently being pumped full of nitrus oxide, everyone finds this to be the height of hilariousness.

No, seriously.

I mean, when AHHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman and some 39-year-old with an early-'90s Meg Ryan bob are ROFLing over your schtick, you know that's comedy gold, Jerry! Gold!

So even though Garg thought their bit was very funny, there's a Lesson To Be Learned from all of this, namely, "You went for the easy laugh.  A total cop-out...you're gonna do this again, both of you.  Only next time, uh, do it straight," and oh that zany homosexual humor.  What will they think of next.

Back to the beach.  The boom mic and Kyle tell Kelly that she didn't have to cover for them with Steve.  Kelly thinks she's clever (she's not) all, "Hey, it's cool.  I'm not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.  Or, not kiss and tell."

So then Kyle's all, "I like dong." Which sounds more like, "I've never slept with a girl before and I don't know if I want to." Which is very concise and way to be, Kyle.  Your personality has all of the appeal of a greige-colored wall, but good on you for being somewhat true to yourself.  So then Kelly's all, "So the other night you were just kind of testing yourself?" and Kyle agrees and because it's All About Kelly and her profound insecurities she asks, "So I mean it's not like you were turning me down or anything, right?" God.  What a worthless snatch.

We're back over on the deck-walkway thing, and Dylan's apparently just been lurking around the beach club in his trash gear all day, probably smelling pretty ripe seeing as he hasn't showered in a couple of days other than maybe bird-bathin' it in the ankle snappers.  Anyway, Brandon has to ruin Dylan's day by talking to him a second time and telling him that Jim's had a change of heart and wants Dylan back at the H.O.W.  Dylan's all, "Negatory, that guy's a real ass-munch," but then Brandon convinces him to come back to the house by telling Dylan, "If I don't bring you home with me, Brenda will never forgive my father.  Ever." I would say she has a lot of things to not forgive Jim for, mostly his general hypocrisy when it comes to his treatment of her and Brandon, as well as his Jay Sherman-hair and the fact that he dresses like Racetrack Higgins most of the fucking time.

Back at H.O.W. Brenda runs into the kitchen all excited because she saw Dylan's car parked out front.  Cindy tells her that Dylan's talking with her father in the living room, and Brenda asks if Dylan's staying.  Carol Potter gets to deliver the clunky line of, "Let's just take it one meal at a time."

To the living room we go, and Jim's stating the obvious and seemingly rubbing it in Dylan's face that his father's a complete bounder, all, "Sounds like your father got himself into a lot of trouble." And Dylan's all, "Yeah.  My dad was always the man with the plan.  And now everything's gone."  Except for the millions and millions Iris is apparently sitting on.  But we won't find out about that until several episodes on.  ANYway, Dylan mentions his car, and also that he was supposed to go live with Iris in Hawaii but that, "In October it will be 3 years since I've even seen her, I'm supposed to just walk in and say 'Hi Mom'," and WOW is his mother a real overflowing  pustule filled with extra-runny diarrhea and mucus-y anal secretions.  So Jim then tells Dylan that he can stay and Dylan appreciates that and I am so bored.

So then Jim lays this really lame apology on Dylan about him being the only man in Brenda's life for a really long time and I guess it's supposed to excuse his contemptible behavior from earlier.  Whatever.

And then Dylan asks why Jim's always such a hairy, smelly ballsack to him most of the time and Jim says that he would've been that way with any dude attempting to stick it in his daughter.  And then Dylan spouts out the annoying little chestnut that a lot of crappy television shows mine, about how daughter's always look for guys that remind them of their fathers and Jim's all, "Let's not get carried away," and oh! these two!  Blah blah then Jim asks about Not Real Jack McKay again and if Dylan's spoken with him and that Jack's crooked, criminal-ass might be needing his son right about now blah.  To this I say, "Let him rot.  Until Josh 'Roman Brady/Michael Hogan from The Hogan Family, nee Valerie, nee Valerie's Family' Taylor comes on board and breathes at least a little life into the extremely one-dimensional, stereotypically unscrupulous Jack McKay."

Later, Dylan writes Not Real Jack McKay a prison-bound letter.  It's really deep and emotional and this is twice in as many weeks when Cats In The Cradle really should've been used on the soundtrack.  Anyway, here's the twaddle he's written, via a Dylan Voiceover: A long time ago you made a promise to me.  You said you'd always be there, that you'd never let me fall and along the way even when things got rough between us deep down I believed you.  Deep down I don't believe you anymore.  But it doesn't matter because I still want a father.  And I hope you wanna have a son again.  Your Loving Son, Dylan.  I wonder if the Mystical Surf Wizard helped him write that.  Because that shit is heavy, man.  Heavy.

So then Brenda comes to the door and wishes Dylan goodnight.  And that's it.  That's seriously how this episode ends.  They don't make out or argue or argue and then make out or anything.  And it's pretty anti-climactic and a giant waste of my eyeballs' and the dust-and-cobweb-covered tumbleweed that I call a brain's time.  I really hope the next episode is chock-full of excitement and intrigue...

...which it's totally not.  Join me back here for a whole lot of nothing in "Anaconda." Dylan meets the quotient of Sad Sackery Required In An Episode by walking around muttering things like "Dylan McKay, charity case." YES THOSE WORDS ACTUALLY COME OUT OF HIS FACE-HOLE.  This might be the one episode that my hatred of Dylan surpasses my hatred of Brandon.  Only absolutely not, since Brandon acts like a right fucking piece of sewage, pulls out his trusty Jump To Conclusions Mat and surmises that his supposed best friend is a thief and a crook solely based on anecdotal evidence and the fact that Dylan used up all of the shampoo.  YES THAT HAPPENS.  And as a result I intend to keep all sharp objects out of my reach while recapping the episode.  I wouldn't want a letter opener or a broken shard of crockery or the makeshift shiv I've fashioned out of my toothbrush somehow ending up in my subclavaian artery or my eye or through my laptop screen.  Everyone reading should probably take the same precautions as well.  Until we meet again, y'all.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google, the author's vast repository.