Season 2; Episode 4 - Anaconda: No, The Title Of This Episode Is Not Referring To ANYTHING In Steve's Or Brandon's Pants. And Thank You To Satan For That Small Favor.

Dudes.  It's been a while.  And for that, I apologize.  It was a hectic March-into-April for me for whatever reason, mostly, and as previously discussed, because I am a lazy bag of dicks.

Fortunately, I was rewarded for being the Useless Mortal Of The Millenia in THE MOST MAGNIFICENT WAY POSSIBLE mid-March:

Oh, no big.  That's just my Dylan and Brenda dolls, hanging out on my coffee table.  YOU GUYS.  I have The Greatest Boyfriend Ever. SEEEEEEEEERiously.  He buys me things like this and isn't constantly backing away from me all slowly or even caring that I call him Dylan sometimes all the time.  Wait, what? I didn't just say that.  Nope.  Moving on to this ever-engrossing episode...

...in which Sad-Sack Dylan sad sacks around sad sackily and works my last nerve.  But not nearly as much as Brandon, who reaches "Higher Education" levels of shitbaggery with all of his pseudo-Hardy Boy antics and shoutily accusing people of things they didn't do, with a bunch of assumptions and little-to-ZERO evidence, in addition to his par-for-course Deflection Of Blame And Accountability, all "B.Y.O.B" StyleZ.  How Brandon has gotten this far in life without being scalped or imprisoned for crimes against humanity with all of his disloyalty and general Smarm Douchiness is beyond me.  ANYhow, nothing else really happens in this one.  Steve wears a fake handlebar mustache, which helps absolutely nothing.  Brenda gets sunburned, because that makes for compelling T.V.  Worthless Henry nearly surpasses Worthless Nat in the Worthlessness Department.  And Kelly's been banished to "Newport Beach," which means we don't have to deal with her embarrassingly flinging herself at homosexuals or baby-talking her way through her scenes for an entire episode! REJOICE! And, LET'S DO IT.

So we start off back in time, Beverly Hills circa 1978 because LOOK AT ALL THE CARS.

We hop in our DeLorean, travel forward through time and end up here, which we find out is Jim's office building because we hear him droning on and on to someone before we actually see him.

Cut to: Jim's office, where we have this horribly grainy screenshot, which I'm hoping is not attributed to the DVD player in my laptop, but rather what I suspected last week, which is that these BH, 90210 discs have been rode hard and put away wet so many times (think, the DVD version of Jackie Taylor) the quality they're serving up resembles that of a film reel us Old Timey people remember from elementary school.  You know: the ones about protoplasm or bicycle safety or Donald In Mathmagic Land.  ANYhow, Jim's talking to someone in this chair, which we only see the back of, and I guess it's supposed to be a mystery as to who it is, but it's totally not, because ALL the people know it's Dylan.  So here's what Jim's bloviating on about: "Look, I can help you manage your finances.  It's what I do and I do it very well. [GEE, I WONDER WHERE BRANDON GETS HIS PUSTULATING ANUS EGO FROM?] But if you keep putting this off, two things will happen: you will be flat broke, and you'll be in a lot of pain.  If you don't take care of it now the courts will step in and when that happens, all hell will break loose.  And frankly I think you have a moral responsibility here as well.  Do you have any idea how really serious this is?"

So then Sad Clown Dylan turns in his chair all fucking Eeyore and says, "Yeah, I guess I do."  So Jim exposits for the viewing audience that Dylan has to get on a plane and go to Hawaii to see his horrible mother.  And make peace with her or some shit so that he can get money from her.  Which, DOESN'T HIS MOTHER HAVE A FUCKING LEGAL OBLIGATION TO HER KID??? Like, why is Dylan having to do the footwork? Sue that bitch for negligence! And I know it comes out later in the season that Jack threw a bunch of money at Iris so that she'd go away blah blah blah, but this is just nonsense.  I could write a dissertation on this goddamn story line (and the show in general, obviously) but I won't.  I mean, I'm sure I will someday, when I'm in a psych ward and they remove my straitjacket from time to time to let me stretch my arms and whatever.

So Dylan is as disgusted as I am by the prospect of having to ask Iris for cash, and he gets his Almost Cry Face on and Poor Little Maybe-Not-So-Rich Boys, "All my life she threw money at me and called it love, I didn't ask for love, but to ask for money?" Although, I wish I had a mother who threw money at me all the time.  That would be RAD! And then Jim's all, "But if you don't you'll be asking for a lot worse," like WHAT.  He's SIXTEEN.  Perhaps becoming a ward of the state isn't such a bad idea, what, with the fucking tipped-over porta-potty residue parents he was NON-gifted with at birth.

Next, it's over to the BHBC and yes, it's the same establishing shots from before, set to some Beach Boy'ed version of the BH, 90210 theme song.

These people have been stuck in the same volleyball game since "Beach Blanket Brandon."

Poor, Tiny, Put-Upon Brandon, you guys.  He's actually having to work.  But look at his upchuck face as he does it I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SO, SO MUCH.

And then Brandon's Partner In God-Awfulness And General Piece Of Shitness Steve comes running up and jumps into Brandon's laundry basket.  That is not a sexual euphemism.

This picture here appears to be showing us the grossest most upsetting and brain-bleed inducing Lamaze class ever.  But in actuality, Steve is just trying to convince Brandon to join him in some after-hours poker game that evening in the beach club game room.  So then even though in later seasons one of Brandon's tedious, one-dimensional character arcs is I Have A Gambling Addiction and we're supposed to believe him to be the retroactive inspiration for the lyrics to Kenny Roger's The Gambler, Brandon informs Steve that, "I'm not comin'.  I work too hard for my money [COLOSSAL WHATEVER.] to waste it playing poker.  Besides, I'm not even that good at it."  You are also not good at being a decent human being, fuck stick, but that hasn't stopped you from parading around thinking you're the most morally superb person to walk the planet.  EAT THREE BUSHELS FULL OF DICKS AND CHOKE ON THEM AND THEN DIE OF ACUTE ASPHYXIA PLEASE.  ANYhow, Steve says that's why he wants Brandon to play: "You stink."

And then Brandon clues Steve in to the fact that the cart he cannon-balled into is full of towels with "paddle tennis sweat, sauna sweat, aerobics sweat, and uh, somethin' from the shower room floor I'm not even sure what it is," and then Brandon does this and pushes the cart full of Steve into traffic and while doing so, his shirt gets caught on the cart so they're actually both thrown into traffic and THE END.  NO MORE OF THESE TWO FOR THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE.  Except that I have a feeling that they will continue to haunt my night terrors for ALL of the eternities.

So rather than Steve and Brandon fulfilling my ultimate fantasy by dying, Brandon actually rolls Steve into these guys, who apparently just got done with practice for their Steely Dan cover band.  So until they hit it big, they're day job is working for Seashell Laundry.  This won't be the last we'll hear of them this episode either, so stay tuned.  Because I know that this scene was so riveting and all.

Over to House Of Walsh.  Dylan arrives there after being lectured by Jim for probably what felt like INFINITY with a baguette in hand, "From the Beverly Bakery" as Cindy's attempting to fix the broken coffee pot (?) with her own little tool box.  WOW, you guys! She actually does more around the house than just gardening! She's so multi-faceted! Anyway, she tells Dylan, "You mustn't feel like you have to do something special for us just because you're staying here," and it's fucking bread, Cindy.  He didn't buy you a car.

So he goes over to the sink and does a really crappy job with washing his hands, using water-only, like, in addition to all of the abandonment and general ghastliness as parents, Jack and Iris also failed at teaching Dylan general hygiene. So whatever, he says, "Oh, I know, I wanted to." And then Cindy makes Dylan feel MEGA-SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE by offering him some "pocket-money."

And Dylan's basically all, "Fuck to the no, but thanks for making me feel like some goddamn drifter anyway," and for the record, I always liked the relationship between these two, and the acting chemistry between Carol Potter and Luke Perry.  Maybe it's because Dylan's so desperately in need of a Mother Figure, but I always find their exchanges to be pretty sweet as well as realistic.  WHATEVER. WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT I AM A LOSER.

So in the Foyer Of Walsh we see that Donna has arrived and Brenda asks after Kelly although WHO CARES and Donna explains, "She decided to go to Newport Beach with her mom after all," meaning, because Jackie gave a handy to some guy in rehab, he's invited her and her daughter to spend the week with him at his beach house Newport.  I mean, I assume.  Also: look how GLOOOOOORIOUS Brenda's hair is, all thick and shiny.  I think I like Donna's dress, too.

So then they stand around talking about which movie they're going to see, and then Donna's all, "Um, is Dylan coming?" and Brenda continues the Only On Television Tradition of Calling Your Friends By Their Entire Names, saying, "You know, as you may recall, Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay broke up and..." and Donna interrupts to say that she could be Dylan's date.  Because she must've picked up some tips from Kelly before she headed out of town.

Whatever, so Brenda agrees and calls Dylan in to ask him to join them, and he walks up all Hang Dog Sad Sack saying that he's just going to stay in and read a book.  DORK.  So then Donna's all, "Oh, c'mon! It's our treat."

So then he completely changes his tune, getting all bitter and peeved and says "under his breath," (in quotes because AS ALWAYS on this show, NO ONE actually says ANYTHING under their breath, and they mostly look like a bunch of fucking lunatics who are talking to themselves or their imaginary friend standing next to them and they should really all go take a goddamn lesson on how to do it) "Dylan McKay, charity case." BARF.  And: LATER, LOSER.  Also: GO DIE.  Is that the first time I've said that about Dylan? I'm not certain but I believe it is.  But he totally deserved a "GO DIE" there, right? I mean, get over yourself.  And go put on some goddamn pressed powder, Grease Lightning.  WHATEVER, Dylan shuffles away and Donna asks what his prob is and Brenda tells her, "You know what, Donna? I don't know and I don't want to think about it.  Let's just go, okay?" And PRAISE EVERYTHING for Brenda not playing into his little Downtrodden Woe Is Me routine.

Cut to: a new exterior shot of the BHBC, nighttime.  This spooky, mysterious music from a synthesizer plays, so we know mischief or murder is afoot.  I hope that it's murder.  A double-homicide, actually.  And that the victims are a curly-headed fuck and a Smarm Douche-Faced© fuck.

Sadly for all of us, Brandon is still alive in the tackily-color-schemed clubhouse and he's checking his watch and there's a knock at the door and it's hopefully polite serial killers or zombies or something.

What is at the door is just as terrifying as being brutally slaughtered or having your brains eaten by the walking dead: Steve SAUNders, MAJORLY Steve SAUNder'ed up, what, with his shirt buttoned up to his wig-like hair, the white pleated and bunchy shorts, with the waistband also nearing his lace-front, as well his much-maligned slouchy socks.  Steve SAUNders: What A Fashion Trailblazer.

Up next we have Paul, Steve's Beverly Hills High cousin who we will never see again, and who is also mute, seeing (hearing?) as he doesn't make a peep the entire episode.  Although if my cousin was one Steve "Arby's Curly Fries" SAUNders, I'd probably keep my mouth shut as well, while also praying for sweet, sweet relief in the form of death.

Following up Paul is Danny Waterman, who Steve says graduated from West Bev two years before, although I'm thinking it was actually 1977 and Steve just did the math wrong because LOOK.  Also: he's got a little John Sears-y vibe going on. 

Unfortunately for creatures great, small and six feet under, bringing up the rear is David, wearing the FUCKING SOLAR SYSTEM on his ghastly MOTHER FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK.  And he introduces himself to Brandon as if anyone breathing air cares one iota at all.

So they head into the game room and David pops seventeen tiny Woodrows over the sound system or the T.V. or stereo or whatever and his face is absolutely a pile of shit.

And then they play INFINITY hours of poker and I know nothing of the game so anytime any show uses it as a plot device I pretty much zone out and/or try to locate a sharp object in the vicinity to jab into my IT band so that I don't fall into some kind of paramnesiac state.  And at some point during this montage of poker high jinks, Steve looks like this and says "Come to Papa.  Baby needs a new pair of shoes," in this really Cliche Jack Nicholson-y voice and the involuntary twitching in my left eye that only seems to crop up when Steve appears onscreen begins in rapid succession, to the point that someone familiar with translating Morse Code could look at me and know that what my eye is actually crying out is, "Please drive a corroded butter curler deep inside of me and while you're at it, plunge that lemon reamer into my good friend and neighbor, Right Eye, and twist that bitch.  Thanks." 

My eye then has to repeat itself when this monstrosity pops up.

MOVING THE FUCK ALONG BECAUSE I DON'T CARE.  Proto John Sears over here (who gives off a alarmingly eau de Date Rape aroma, I might add) starts in on how a couple of years before (you know - when he was 35) there was some poker game that went on at the club that was BEYOND idiotically called the Ross Weinerblatt All Night Poker Club And Chamber Music Society.  And Brandon's all trying to look tough in front of his friends and impress Mute Paul and Proto Sears and says, "Who the hell's Ross Weinerblatt?" You kiss your mother with that mouth, Brando?

Proto Sears continues on about this ridiculous poker club or whatever the fuck it is, saying that it's been going on 20 years (since he was in high school) and that all of the participants, "we'd dress like high rollers, you know, like we were from Vegas.  'Cause you gotta show that you got respect for the game of poker," and there aren't enough WHATEVERs in the world.  And also: judging by what David wears to the game later in the episode, he has ZERO respect for poker.  Or himself.  Or others.  And then Proto Sears talks about the "chicks" who would show up to the game all gorgeous and sitting next to the guys for luck...because that sounds like a thing that would actually happen in society.  But Steve, Brandon and David are irrefutable nitwits so they all pop countless Woodrows and are all psyched up and David HONEST TO JESUS says, "Fresh." And then Proto Sears tells them that they wouldn't play for "penny ante" either, but the real big bucks (uh huh) and that "if you ever wanna play for real change, give me a holler, huh?" and then he beats it the fuck out of there to go buy some illegally street-sold Rohypnol and plan his next date rape and tells the others to, "Hang loose," because he apparently thinks he's Dylan McKay or some shit.

And then this oddly emotional music plays us back to the House Of Walsh, where Brandon arrives and Dylan watches him undress in the dark.  And then more spooky music comes on and Dylan kills Brandon and wraps his wee body in the rolled up cot he's sleeping on and no one misses Brandon at all or anything and THE END NO MORE BRANDON.  Only grievously, none of that happens and we're stuck with Bitsy Brandon FOREVER.  Because I'm certain even after he's off the show he will continue to inhabit your psyche until your last dying breath.

So then Dylan turns on the light and GOD this is boring.  But Brandon does manage to up his Shit Sackery levels during this exchange: Dylan tells him that he was lying there, thinking about Hawaii - you know, where his awful, delinquent mother lives and where he'll probably have to go soon to beg for cash - and Brandon's only response is a dreamy, "Hawaii.  Sounds nice."  Like, way to show absolutely NO acknowledgment or sympathy or, I don't know, HUMAN BEINGNESS about what your friend's going through, you warty toad.  But Dylan already knows that Brandon is a heap of compost mixed with anal lesion secretions, so he just does this...

...while looking all dead-eyed because he's had to put up with Brandon's face, personality and general Brandon-ness for the past however-many-weeks.  That would be enough to make anyone's insides, soul and sex drive pack a bindle and Peace The Fuck Out of that bitch.

OH. Christ.  So then they start talking about the stupid poker game and Dylan gets all Worldly Brooding & Broken Bad Boy.  He compares poker with bungee jumping and Brandon asks if he has a death wish and I know that I have a death wish after sitting through this nonsense.  Which continues when Dylan  says, "I don't gamble, it's just another physical addiction.  A real gambler, he isn't in it to win, or even to lose.  It's when the cards are bein' dealt or the dice is rollin' or the roulette wheel is spinnin'.  That's when your body releases a chemical that's more powerful than booze.  Adrenaline.  What a tremendous rush." What a tremendous joke.  Dylan, I mean. Dylan is a tremendous joke right here.  As well as Tremendous Cliche and Tremendous AS IF.  And then Brandon is such a stooge and asks, "So, are you a real gambler?" and I believe he just told you that he's not, fool.  But Dylan just tells him, "I don't know.  But with my past, why risk it?" because, OH I ALMOST FORGOT EXCEPT THAT I DIDN'T BECAUSE IT'S ONLY RAMMED DOWN MY THROAT EVERY OTHER GODDAMN SCENE OF THIS SHOW: Dylan Has Seen It All.  At sixteen.  Have I mentioned that I'm going to program my laptop to only type out the word "WHATEVER" when I'm writing these things? So that every recap will just be WHATEVER typed over and over and over, all "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" The Shining StyleZ? No? I never said anything about that? Well, stay tuned!

So their banal little conversation comes to a merciful conclusion and Brandon goes in to the bathroom to take a shower and we see that he uses HAIR THERAPY.  There's not enough therapy in THE EVERYTHING for that gross, white trash THING on Brandon's self-entitlely over-inflated dome.  WAKA WAKA.

AND WE HAVE A BRANDON NIPPLE SIGHTING.  GO GET THE CLOROX EYEWASH YOU KEPT HANDY THROUGHOUT SEASON ONE AND SILKWOOD FLUSH, DAMN IT, SILKWOOD FLUSH! ANYhow, Brandon gets all irritated because apparently Dylan used up the last of his shampoo.  And then he just rinses his hair with water, because I'm totally certain that Brenda wouldn't have any shampoo that he could use on his gross old hair swoop there.

The next whatever at the BHBC, Brandon's trying to prove how butch he is by carrying a bunch of chairs.  He's probably started a flirtation or a relationship or has a fixation on the lobster-armed waitress there, who's wiping down the counter.  I mean, this is Brandon, after all, and she is a female, and as we all know: Brandon Loves The Ladies.

Up comes Worthless Henry, not eating a plate of food and/or not carrying a clipboard, asking Brandon, "When you left last night, did you notice anyone around?" and Brandon acts completely suspicious and shifty as fuck and asks who he might've seen and Henry's all, "Some of the members' kids.  I mean, most of them are nice but every year we get a few spoiled brats who sneak in here and play cards in the middle of the night." And I hate to break it to Worthless Henry, but he's talking to one of the most spoiled, self-important little pieces of dung brats in all of Beverly Hills.  Whatever, so Henry tells Brandon to keep an ear out for any mention of poker games, and we're supposed to believe that Brandon feels guilty in the slightest.  Which I don't.  I do believe, however, that Brandon is figuring out who he's going to blame for his execrable behavior when and if he's caught.

Cut to: a pawn shop somewhere.  And Dylan's laying all of his worldly possessions on the counter.  One of which is a framed photo of his shoddy mother.  And the lady in the picture does not appear to be The Real Iris McKay, i.e. Stephanie Beacham.  Who ALSO starred with Jason Priestley on Sister Kate in '89-90:

YOU GUYS.  Jason Priestley's hair was EVEN TRASHIER on this show.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???  It's like an early-'90s version of Meg Ryan's You've Got Mail hair.  Also: Milli Vanilli made an appearance on an episode and "sang" "Blame It On The Rain" to all of the handicapped and poorly-dressed-and-coiffed orphans.  I couldn't find a video or even a screenshot of that performance, but I did find this:

Rob or Fab (I *think* it's Rob, a.k.a. The Dead One Because He Killed Himself) wearing Steve's Trusty Belly Shirt!  WHAT THE WHAT.  Steve really should've sued that bitch for stealing his signature look.  Also: I only vaguely remember the show Sister Kate, but I know I watched it, and I remember Milli Vanilli's performance, but how the fuck did they get there? Like, was it some Beach Boys-on-Full House claptrap where one of the orphans wins the "prize" (because seriously) of seeing Milli Vanilli in concert and they can only take one other orphan with them but all of the orphans want to go and then somehow Milli and Vanilli find out and come to the "rescue" (because seriously) and visit Redemption House and perform for the orphans, who really didn't deserve that kind of hell-on-earth punishment, seeing as they're already, you know, orphans and have suffered enough and all?

HOLY HELL WHAT BLACK HOLE DID I JUST NOSE DIVE INTO? ALL THE ANYWAYS, Dylan's going to pawn his stuff, and Pawn Lady is suspicious that all of the goods are his, and he says he doesn't have any receipts because they were mostly all gifts and we come to find out that Dylan apparently plays guitar.  Which we know because we'll get to see Dylan's Mad Thrashin' SkillZ exactly ZERO times over the course of the series.  SNOOOOOOZERS, she tells Dylan that she could use VCRs, T.V.s and stereos, which is just a non-clever foreshadowing of What's To Come later in the episode.

And then Pawn Lady, who thinks the framed picture is of Dylan's girlfriend, goes to give it back to him and instead of taking his paperwork and cash and bidding her a good day like any normal human, Dylan decides it's a great time to be one of those fucking people I LOATHE who try to lure you into a conversation about all of their drama and trashy life crises: "Actually it's my mother.  Taken a long time ago when she was younger.  It's mostly how I remember her," and then he looks off all Pained And Wistful like this and FUUUUUUUCK how embarrassing.

And Pawn Lady is My Hero and has precisely NO FUCKS to give and looks at Dylan like this and tells him he has ninety days to redeem his items.

Dylan gets his money and takes it outside and looks at it like this in broad daylight and I, in Current Day Los Angeles, would never wave my money around so obviously, like, talk about sending out an open invite to a fucking mugging, bro.

And then he looks in the pawn shop window all Sad Clown as Pawn Lady sets up his guitar and if anyone can tell me what that spiky building is behind him, I would be much obliged.  Because I basically look for Beverly Hills, 90210 shooting locations every time I leave my house and I have yet to find this one.

Back to the beach, where we see Malibu Sands going head-to-head with North Beach in a pivotal volleyball match which will determine if Mr. Carosi will sell his vintage Mustang to Zack.  Ooooo, I hate that Tad and Todd!

Over to Brenda and Donna setting up for some tan time which they'll regret in about 15 years.  And Donna wants to turn their towels so that they can watch the boys play volleyball (I assume she doesn't mean Steve) and Brenda asks, "Please, who wants to spend their whole day watching guys in shorts?" probably because she thought Donna meant Steve.  Aaaaaaand, scene.  Seriously.  That was it.

Over to the cabana area, where Steve is yet again about to leap into/onto something and interfere with Brandon's work.  Except that we all know the concept of "Brandon" and "work" is a big goddamn joke so never mind.

So as Steve kicks back on the lounge chair, he tells Brandon, "Weinerblatt tonight, midnight, pass it on."  AND THEN, THIS HAPPENS:

I LOVE BRANDON.  Only not because that is the precise definition of VOMITOUS but this, my friends, THIS RIGHT HERE made me fall a little in...like with Brandon for a few enjoyable nano-seconds.  Because, as you can see, it is glOOOOOOOOORious.

But never fear! Brandon falls out of my favor toot sweet as he tells Steve, "Sanders, you promised me we wouldn't get into trouble for last night and now Henry found out about the poker game," because oh! RIGHT! I had almost forgotten that Brandon Doesn't Take Responsibility FOR FUCKING ANYTHING HE DOES.  But eventually, with the promise of car money, "babes" (as if they'd want anything to do with either of these clowns) and Steve saying, "C'mon, Brandon.  C'mon, Brandon," Brandon caves and the Ross Weinerblatt (I cannot with that name) is on! even though Brandon leaves Steve with a, "I'll think about it," but we all know Lacking In ALL The Things Brandon better than that.  Also: I'd like to remind Steve that underwear is NOT shorts.  And to also put his disgusting cleavage away.

Back to this.  Nothing of importance happens here except that the word "lover" gets thrown around and I put my fist through my laptop screen, and Donna asks Brenda about what it's like living with Dylan, and then Brenda gets all down-in-the-dumps because Dylan doesn't really talk to her anymore and that "deep down inside" she still loves him.  And then she gets mega-super profound and says, "It's like, Dylan's father isn't the only one that's in jail." I wonder if Mystical Surf Wizard came up with that one.  Anyhow, Donna goes to get a milkshake, which seems like a bad idea on a hot, sunny summer day, but whatever, Brenda stays behind to finish up her tanning session and we all know where this is going, right? Because we've all watched enough predictable, terrible television in our lifetimes?

But just to reeeeeeally drive the point home that Brenda's going to fall asleep and Steve SAUNders up her skin, i.e. broil the shit out of it so that it resembles a pig's ear, we get a shot of the HOT BOILING sun rays.

And then we get confirmation of Brenda's epidermis's complete transformation into Steve's every day epidermis as she walks into H.O.W. later.  Also: the hell long did it take Donna to get her goddamn milkshake?

Cindy enters the Foyer Of Walsh and sees that Brenda's burnt and Brenda's all in a tizzy because now she won't be able to go to the embarrassingly-named Ross Weinerblatt nightmare with Donna later that evening, but it's Cindy to the rescue! as she offers up some old family remedy that Brenda describes as "disgusting pink goop." I don't know about any of you but I find this all extremely intriguing.

So then Dylan arrives back at the house from his pathetic pawn shop showing and states the obvious with, "Wow, Bren.  You really gotta lot of color," and thankfully Brenda hits him in his gut and snots out, "Very observant, Dylan," and then heads upstairs to be slathered in the aforementioned disgusting pink goop.

And Dylan's all, "I meant that as a compliment...or so he thought," and then he does this annoying little hand wave thing.  Have I mentioned that Dylan can SUCK IT this episode? I'm nearing Brandon-levels of hatred with the guy right now, with all of his whining and crying and anguished looks off into the middle distance

Whatever, so he wanders into the living room and sits next to Jim on the couch, and Jim was apparently far too immersed in reading some undoubtedly dull newspaper article about the latest strides in accounting or some shit to acknowledge his daughter and her charred derma.  Jim Walsh: Father Of The Forever.  So Dylan continues to induce RAGE in me as he reads over Jim's shoulder for a minute and even though I generally detest Jim, I really wouldn't have blamed him had he elbowed Dylan in the trachea or snapped the right side of his suspenders in Dylan's eye or something at this moment.  Anyway, they talk about Dylan calling Iris.  Yes: AGAIN.  No one cares.

Upstairs to Brandon and Dylan walks in the room and shoves Brandon hands-first into the iron like what happened to George in "The Puffy Shirt" episode on Seinfeld and Brandon is so distraught over his singed hands that he kills himself.  Only never mind, that doesn't happen but Dylan does look at Brandon like this (which is similar to the look I always have on my face when observing Brandon, although I generally have a little bit of bile dribbling out of my mouth at the same time) and Brandon tells him they're doing the poker thing again and Dylan says, "Thanks for the invite," like, FUUUUUUUUUCK WHAT THE FUCK I HATE DYLAN SO MUCH.  Mostly because he makes me agree with Brandon when Brandon says, "I thought you had a problem with gambling," but then I go back to praying that Brandon's going to be mauled by a pack of rabid, Westside dwelling possums when he adds, "We're not gonna be playin' for nickels, dimes and quarters tonight, the adrenaline's really gonna be pumpin'." Oh. PLEASE.

So then a little bitch-tiff starts up between the guys, with Dylan sarcastically saying, "You Walsh people, always lookin' out for my best interests," and then Brandon takes off his hoop earrings and hands them to someone to hold onto just in case and snipes, "Look, if you wanna come, come." But since Dylan was only passive-aggressively griping and moaning and crying like a giant vagina in order to get attention, he tells Brandon that he's just going to stay in and read.  Does anyone else think he'll actually show up at the game all sulky and no-nonsense and ready to metaphorically rumble? Because I don't.  Also: if Brandon doesn't stop with all of this know-when-to-hold-'em, know-when-to-fold-'em Rounders-esque tripe, I just don't know what.

Back to the beach club.  Steve, dressed like a Rat Pack-er and ironically enough wearing a dead hamster on his upper lip, sneaks downstairs.  Also: what's upstairs? I'm guessing the toilet and he was taking a big growler before a night of Breaking And Entering Poker Shenanigans.

Also: I'm not kidding you when I say that Steve goes to the door where the others are waiting and MEOWS.  YES THAT HAPPENS.  And then the dead hamster on his lip rises from the dead and gets super-scared, seeing as rodents are afraid of cats and all.

AND THEN: I'm ALSO not kidding when I tell you that everyone comes into the clubhouse DANCING IN A CONGA LINE.  I'm also confused as to why Mute Cousin Paul is dressed like an Old West Saloon Piano Player.  He must've misunderstood Proto Sears.  ALSO-also: WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE BRENDA MY GOD.

DAVID'S JACKET SHOULD BE LYNCHED.  WITH DAVID STILL WEARING IT.  So they're sitting around the table smoking cigars, because THAT won't be fucking obvious to Worthless Henry the next day, and there's conveniently one empty chair between Proto Sears and Brandon and WHO DO YOU THINK WILL FILL IT? WHOOOOOO? 

LOOK AT BRENDA.  SOOOOOOO gorgeous.  I think Shannen Doherty is pretty, always, but she pulls off the vintage look RIDICULOUSLY well.  See also: the "Halloween" episode (a.k.a. "The One Where Kelly Almost Gets Raped, Because This Show Never Turned Down A Story Idea Involving The Sexual Assault Of Women") later in Season 2, where she and Dylan dress as Bonnie and Clyde.  Donna: whatever.  I mean, her hair is ass, but I guess she kind of pulls of the flapper look.  Unfortunately I can't look at her wearing flapper-gear without thinking of her wearing flapper-gear and Doing The It with David on the night of their college graduation.  Which is just beyond revulsion and I now need to go blow dry my hair while taking a bath and completely submerging myself in the water.

Speaking of revulsion.  Brandon tells Steve, "I thought you said there were gonna be some babes here?" and then Brenda and Donna clear their throats and he barfily adds, "Don't get me wrong, Brenda, Donna, you're great babes, really great babes.  But, Brenda's my sister [like that's ever stopped you from beating off to thoughts of her before, you fucking degenerate] and I already know Donna.  I mean, I thought you meant some new babes, some fresh babes," and I hate to break it to you, Brando, but if any of these "fresh babes" you're referring to heard one grating syllable escape your face-hole, they'd turn in the opposite direction hoping to run directly into the welcoming arms of a John Deere combine harvester.  FUCK OFF.

Smoking Is Bad and all that jazz but Brenda even looks AMAZING while choking on inhaling a cigarillo.  Also: her dress is very Alexis Carrington and I believe I had a Barbie-version of it in the late-'80s.  So in other words: classic.

And then Proto Sears calls David "Big Dave" (AHAHAHAHAHA) and asks, "You gonna light that thing?" meaning the Swisher Sweet hanging from his mouth.  David tells him, "What are you kidding? It could stunt my growth," and I think what we're supposed to imply from this is that Brandon started smoking cigars at the age of 11.

So then Steve suggests they play Anaconda (whatever the who-the-hell-cares that is) which Proto Sears, looking less grimy and rapey dressed as Jim Walsh In A Hat here, shoots down, describing Anaconda as, "Heinous." Yes, Proto Sears: that is a heinous thing to title a television episode.

And then, similar to in "The Green Room" Dylan appears as if from nowhere. Because no one heard a door open or footsteps or anything.  And he just materializes in some dimly lit, broody corner of the room, all, "Deal me in," and wearing another shirt he picked up on clearance at County Seat.  So then Brandon asks, "Dylan, you sure?"

And Dylan swaggers up to the table, swings a leg over the back of the chair to sit down (but of course), pulls out his wad of cash and says, "I said, deal. Me. In." In conclusion: it just got MCKAY REAL up in this bitch.

And yes, this.  This right here is exactly how I feel about all of this.

CRIMINY.  So then we have some more unbearable poker playing and I guess it's supposed to get all tense and nail-biting because the pot gets all high and everyone folds but Dylan and David (what does Brandon say when he folds? "Foldage." Because he's The Fucking Douche King Of Planet EVERYTHING.) but it's really a giant pile of yawns mixed with valerian root and a Maxell speaker blasting ambient sounds.

So Dylan waits for David to make a move...or something.  I don't know.  I've seriously stopped paying attention.

Steve tries to help David out, and looks at his cards (which apparently aren't so great) and calls him a "yutz" for staying in the game.  I would like to be the first to shove a mirror in Steve's face at this exact moment and query, "Who the fuck's the yutz?" And again: I see that Jim was a major influence in the guy's styling for the evening.

And then Brandon thinks he's all "in" with Dylan and wants to see his cards and Dylan's all, "Talk to the hand," and I hate them both this episode so whatever.

Brenda, looking STUNNING, gets her back up about Dylan's attitude, all, "Well excuse us," and then turns to Donna and asks, "Do you see what I'm talking about?"

Donna and her scary eye makeup and gross, crimped Dolly Surprise hair are all, "Mmhm."

So after DAYS of play and David getting three new cards and Dylan bumming money from Steve, Dylan FIE.NAH.LEE Cool Guys, "So whatchoo got?" David answers him by laying this hand out on the table.

Dylan is MAD pissed, y'all: "Damn it! Full boat and I take a dive.  Ladies and gentlemen, it has been real," and then he tries to beat it the hell out of there...

But of course Brandon has to get all up in Dylan's grill about the game because he's a nuisance and can't take a hint about someone possibly want some alone time.  So Dylan tells him, " I'm gonna go upstairs and take a sauna.  Go back, you play.  I'll just let myself out later, maybe take a drive up the coast."  And Hero Complex Brandon advises, "Listen, I'm really sorry, I tried not to get you involved in all of this."

Dylan tells Brandon, "Go fuck yourself," and then he spits in Brandon's stupid fedora and stomps it the fuck out of there.  Only not really, but he does get pissed, some more, again and says that he doesn't need the intrusive, soul-sucking Walsh family watching out for him all the time.  And by "Walsh family" I of course mean, "Brandon and Jim."

The next whatever at the BHBC, Brandon's once again shirking his job responsibilities to hang out with Steve, and this is honest-to-FUCK the conversation these two dildos are having: Brandon: "You don't know her, Steve, she's a Laker girl." Steve: "I've seen her on T.V." Brandon: "That's doesn't count." Steve: "I've got a projection T.V., Brandon.  I know her a lot better than you might think." Brandon: "Dog!" WHAT IN ALL THAT IS PURE AND RIGHT WITH THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE.  And also: why is Steve wearing Jerry Rattinger's shirt from "The Party Fish" episode?

So the banes of every other life forms' existence run into Worthless Henry, who stops Steve and asks, "Hey, SAUNders," like, he LITERALLY calls Steve "SAUNders" and the director doesn't yell cut and stop tape or anything, and he continues on with, "Did you have a poker game here last night?" 

And Steve is just like, The Worst when it comes to lie-telling, because he acts completely suspicious and shifty and turns and looks at Brandon like this, saying, "I was with Brandon all last night, right?" and then like winks and nudges Brandon in the ribs.  Except maybe not that last part.  But I wouldn't be surprised.  So then Brandon goes along with the terribly-told lie and asks Worthless Henry what's wrong and Henry's all, "What's wrong? I'll show you what's wrong."

So Henry marches them into the game room and says, "I can totally tell that something went on in here last night since it reeeeeeeeeeeks of stale cigar smoke.  I mean, what kind of fuckin' idiot and their friends would smoke a bunch of cigars while trying to be all inconspicuous and stealth and sneaky about being in here.  What a bunch of foolios." But really what he says is, "Remember the T.V. and the stereo equipment and everything else? This club had a major burglary last night." 

Cops at the club!

So Henry comes up and hands a list of the missing items to this lady, the detective assigned to the case, who is way too creepy-happy about the club being burgled.  Or maybe she just caught a glimpse of Steve's hair, who knows.  Anyway, she tells Henry and Brandon that all of the stuff has probably been "fenced" by now, because this is her first case and she wanted to sound all hip and street with her new-found cop lingo.  And then she tells them she thinks it was an inside job.

So then the Ghost Of Steve SAUNders Future comes up...no, no wait.  This isn't right.

There we go.  Much better.  So the Ghost Of Steve SAUNders Future comes up and then he and Lady Detective go to dust for prints.

So Worthless Henry's all worried because, since they believe it to have been an inside job, they're going to come after him.  Because he's got a criminal record.  Which he reluctantly divulges to Brandon, and because Brandon Hates Black People, he tells Henry, "I already assumed that you did.  I mean, you are black and all."  Anyway, Henry was Brandon's age and fell asleep in the back of his buddy's car while his friends went and murdered a man or robbed a house in Culver City or something.  I really have no idea because I've stopped listening.  Anyway, he was charged with breaking and entering.

So then Cagney and Lacey appear at that moment and ask to see Henry.  You can see that Lady Detective is all business because she's wearing jeans.

So then Steve dances up to Brandon (he does far, far too much of that on this show), and Brandon SERIOUSLY SAYS, "What are you smiling about, Laughing Boy?" and Steve says that what's happening is "weird" and THIS IS WHERE MY HEAD CAVES IN ON ITSELF Brandon says, "Weird? Do you have any idea what you did?" meaning what Steve apparently "did" ALL BY HIMSELF and that Brandon HAD NO PART OF.  BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT, TOO.  And THEN, Brandon's all, "Man, you got me to lie to Henry," and oh! I remember that.  It was when Steve had the gun to Brandon's head, and then another three guns pointed at each member of the Family Of Walsh.

So then Brandon gets all Self-Righteously Brandon and storms into the clubhouse, telling Steve, "You don't care about my job, man, and you don't care about Henry.  All you care about is Steve Sanders," and I believe it's pronounced "SAUNders." If you ask Henry, he'll agree.  Anyway, in conclusion: I hate Brandon.

Inside Henry's being grilled by Lady Detective who asks, "You're telling me your employers didn't even know about your history?" and Henry's all, "All of that had been taken care of, there was no reason to talk about it," which...seems unlikely.  Job applications always have that section about your criminal history and Henry being charged with breaking and entering seems like it would be major enough to make known to a potential employer.  Then again, I'm not wearing a badge, a sensible hair-do and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, so what do I know? Anyhow, Brandon comes up and says he knows more about the previous night than he let on.

Cut to: the West Beverly Hills Police Department.

Inside, Mute Cousin Paul waits to be questioned, while some gluttonous pig-dog police officer behind him slovenly shoves food in his mouth.  What a fucking disgusting asshole.

First up to be grilled is Proto Sears and his OBSCENELY '90s hair.  Also his woman's Hawaiian shirt that he probably stole from the last girl he date raped.

Next up is Brenda, who confesses to having stolen a pack of gum from a supermarket when she was 7.

And then there's Steve.  Who of course cops an attitude and asks, "Do you know who my mom is?" to which Lady Detective awesomely responds, "No, I don't." She then asks about him being the one to let everyone into the club the night before and Steve tells her, "Yeah, but then I made sure the door locked behind them when they came in," which, NO.  Steve was at the front of the horrifying conga line.  So, LIES.

David and his frightening hairline are next to be grilled and Lady Detective brings up David winning big the night before and David's all, "Who, me?" in his pipsqueakiest, Pre-Pubescent David Voice.

And then there's Donna wearing this, and contrary to what I said in the "Palm Springs Weekend" post a (freaking!) year ago ("I just...can't with daisies.  They're very Drew Barrymore-circa 1994.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, they're just something I was never fond of."), I'm way into daisies right now and I think Donna looks cute here and the pearl necklace is a nice touch.  But I'd bet anything that whatever she's wearing on her bottom half probably resembles underwear or a prostitute's day look or whatever.  Anyway, she tells Lady Detective, "I had a cigar.  I threw up."

Lastly, and certainly least, Lady Detective has the misfortune of questioning Brandon, who she asks about Dylan and how he left the club after everyone else and how he was depressed when he exited the poker game and how his family's in financial trouble and Brandon says that Dylan hasn't seen his mom in about 10 years, and MY GOD CONTINUITY PEOPLE MY GOD.  It was the last episode where Dylan tells Jim, "In October it will be three years since I've even seen her," and now they're calling it 10 years? Or maybe the writers are just trying to show us what a horrible listener and how self-involved Brandon is.  That, I can buy.  Anyway, Lady Detective lets Brandon go with a, "Be sure to let your friend McKay know we'd like to have a word with him."

Later at H.O.W., Dylan's returned.  And Brandon, champion friend that he is, tells him that he looks "beat" and Dylan says it's because he spent the previous night sleeping in his car? at the Ventura County Line? I...don't know.  And: wouldn't, like, Cindy be keeping tabs on him or something? Again: this is a supposed sixteen year old.  I truly believe Dylan would be better off in an orphanage or maybe being raised by mange-infested coyotes in the woods.

So then the episode goes into some Brandon/Dylan fanfic erotica, in order to distract us from the fact that Brandon kicks rocks and Dylan requires some kind of Child Protective Services intervention.  Only actually, Brandon tells Dylan about the BHBC break-in and the police-questioning aftermath, Dylan has negative-11 fucks to give about it, Brandon then automatically assumes Dylan's the one who stole the loot and tells him that they police would like to talk to him as well, and Dylan goes to take a shower.  The fanfic does not follow the boys into the shower stall, however.  Perverts.

So Brenda enters the room and Brandon acts like a little cooter about Dylan's stuff being all over the room, and then he TAKES PLANE TICKETS OUT OF THE POCKET OF DYLAN'S BACKPACK because that's not completely invasive and horrible, and reads he ticket and says, "How do you like that, Dylan's going to Hawaii...would've been nice if he would've told us, huh?" and why? You people don't even seem to mind it when he disappears for a night or seven, so what would it have matter? Anyhow, because the plane ticket was printed that very day, Brandon comes to the definitive conclusion that Dylan's the culprit who pilfered the club: "The club gets ripped off last night, now all of a sudden Dylan has money and is blowing town in two days?" Swift conclusion there, Mystery Incorporated.  Why don't you go take a swan dive off the soapbox you're constantly grandstanding from and simultaneously fuck yourself, 'kay? ANYway, thank goodness Brenda's there to have Dylan's back, all, "I can't believe you're saying this.  He's not blowing town, I mean, where do you get off having this attitude? You know, admittedly, Dylan may be getting on both of our nerves but he is not a thief, he is our friend," and GO BRENDA.  Way to teach Stupid Brandon and his Stupid Brandon Face and his Stupid Brandon Disloyalty that just because someone uses the last of your SALON THERAPY shampoo, it doesn't mean said person is automatically capable of grand larceny.  Fool.

Downstairs, Lady Detective is at the door, asking to haul Dylan in for questioning, and mentioning the Speedster chock full of "the VCR, amplifier and fax machine packed in behind the seats and sticking out from under a blanket" in the driveway.  I'll bet anything Brandon popped a mid-size boner after hearing that.

Back to the police station and the cruiser from 1978.

The Walshes actually managed to go with Dylan to the station, and Cindy's going on and on about how she feels bad for Dylan because of his shit-parents and the people he's staying with not caring about him vanishing for days at a time.

So then Brenda's all, "He said the stuff in the car was his not the club's, why can't anyone believe him?" and Brandon, Friend 'Til The End, tells her, "I'd like to believe him, Brenda, he's my friend.  I just wish that it made sense that he happened to be driving around right after the robbery with his VCR, his amp and his fax machine hidden in his car," and please note the placement of Brandon's off-putting Tony Manero Necklace© with like, a fucking ankh attached to it in this still.

And now note its placement here.  Also: I MUCH prefer this version.  Also: Brenda tells him the stuff wasn't hidden in Dylan's car and Brandon's only asinine response is, "It was under a blanket!"  WOW.  He should work for the CIA with those Mad Deductive Reasoning SkillZ.

And then Brenda keeps it reasonable and says, "Well maybe that's so it wouldn't get stolen!" and DOUCHE Brandon makes this condescending DOUCHE face and gets up all smirky and smug and why no one involved in law enforcement hasn't come out and handcuffed him and taken him back to some kind of hotbox  and horsewhipped him, so that he discontinues terrorizing society with his mere presence and face and General Shit Sack Brandon Tendencies is beyond me.

So this Rando, Poor Man's Billy Dee Williams-type comes up to Jim and asks, "Is Lady Detective still in with the McKay boy?" and why would this guy be asking Jim, a TOTAL STRANGER who may or may not even have anything to do with "the McKay boy"? The what? So Jim says that she is and Poor Man's Billy Dee walks away all, "Like father, like son."

So then Jim proves that just about EVERYONE has more loyalty than Brandon and gets up in Poor Man's Billy Dee's Face and basically tells him to eat a turd, since Dylan shouldn't be condemned for what his father may or may not have done.  GO JIM.  It's obvious to me that Dylan's Sideburns Of Steel have finally penetrated Jim's cold, calculating (GET IT??? BECAUSE HE'S AN ACCOUNTANT???) heart.

So then Poor Man's is all, "Yeah well, nice talkin' to ya," all put off by Jim's rant and why the hell did you say anything to begin with, Rando Lando? Why don't you head on back to Cloud City and, much like Brandon a few minutes ago, fuck yourself?

And then Cindy and Brenda are all admiring of Jim and the way he stood up for Dylan and Brenda's all, "Way to go, Dad," and it's actually a bit of a nice moment in the midst of all the drivel.

So then Dylan and Lady Detective come out from wherever and she's all, "We'll be in touch," and then...

...Dylan sees that the Family Walsh has been waiting for him and he smiles like this and all ill feelings I had toward him previously have vanished and I LOVE Dylan in his army green tent shirt.

As do the rest of the Walshes.

Except for OH GEE WHAT A SHOCK still-suspicious Brandon.  But he doesn't count.  Like not just in this scenario but in like, civilization as a whole.

For some reason Dylan seems to care that Brandon disapproves.  He's the only one ever.

Back to the H.O.W.  Brandon's A Bitch, Part 753.  Dylan's in the shower and Brandon's like, stroking himself off to Cindy's latest More magazine, but he stops mid-rub to yell out to Dylan? in the shower? with the bathroom door closed? "You done yet?" Dylan somehow miraculously hears this boor and yells, "What?" and Brandon shouts, "I said are you done yet, there's a water shortage, ya know!"

And then Brandon gets up and SHOUTS SOME MORE, "Oh, and don't use all my shampoo, either," and then he flails about the room like a crazy person and says to himself, "Oh, forgot, you already did that."

So then Dylan barges out of the bathroom, robe akimbo, and gives us my favorite line of the entire series (other than the GLORIOUS "Look, I hate you both, never talk to me again!" Brenda gifts us with in Season 3, of course): "What the hell is your problem and don't say shampoo!" Magnificent, right?

So Dylan says that he's grateful to the Walshes and everything but wants to know why Brandon's acting like such a massive cunt toward him, and Brandon makes this face and I really hope that it's at this moment that the low-quality shadow demons from the movie Ghost appear and whisk Brandon away to the depths of wherever they took Tony Goldwyn.  AnyIhopehediesapainfuldeath, Brandon thinks he's clever and says, "Well that's between you and the police, isn't it?...Don't worry, I'll never tell."

And Dylan's all, "The fuck?"

And then Brandon heads into his Hardy Boy theory, that since he found pawn tickets in the trash can, "I coulda told the police about that and really put ya behind bars," and SPARE ME, Sonny Crockett.  I somehow doubt the police would pay much mind to any "evidence" brought to them by Brandon Walsh, Teen Sleuth. As if.  Dylan attempts to tell him that all of the stuff he pawned was his but Brandon's not buying it.  I'd like to remind Brandon that Dylan talked to an actual detective who probably asked the proper questions and determined that Dylan hadn't stolen the beach club stuff.  I'd say it would probably also be pretty easy to look at the items in Dylan's car and figure out that they weren't the same goods taken from the club.  Wow.  Maybe I should look into a career in crime-solving.

For whatever reason, Dylan feels like he owes Brandon an explanation, and I'd like to take a moment to remind him that Brandon isn't owed anything ever.  Other than a repeated knuckle sandwich to the occipital bone in conjunction with a cat taking a continual dump in his mouth.  But Dylan continues on with telling Brandon that he's been selling shit from his crappy family's storage unit in order to stay afloat.  Because he doesn't want Cindy to awkwardly offer him money again.  But because no explanation is ever good enough for Brandon, he keeps prodding and poking and inquiring about Hawaii and how Dylan afforded the tickets.  Dylan tells him he's going to see Iris on her dime, and because Brandon holds the title of Least Self-Aware Person, West Coast Division, he asks, "Why didn't you tell me?" Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, maybe because you act the way you JUST ACTED about EVERYTHING???

Next whatever, BHBC.  For some reason, we get this scene of David, wearing whatever THAT is, swaggering up to Donna, who's sporting a bikini with a print that can only be described as This Is The 1990s.  Anyhow, David asks, "Hey little lady.  Can I buy you a snack?" Donna reacts by laughing and saying, "Please." GO DONNA.  Also, note to Donna: this, too, should've been your reaction when this little weedy garden gnome asked you to marry him.

And then Brenda's I Got Sunburned story line eeks out a few more seconds, as she sits next to Donna and puts on her favorite Blossom hat and proclaims, "I just laugh at the sun."

Up in Worthless Henry's office? deck? Brandon barges in.  Some more.  Again.  So Brandon asks, "Do I still work here?" And my response is OF COURSE YOU DO! Because you never endure consequences for your shitty, reprehensible behavior.  EVER!  But Henry tells him, "You know, I could be royally ticked ya lied to me.  Or I could be glad that you told the detective the truth.  I don't know.  I think maybe I'll be both for a while," and Brandon's all, "So that means...?" and because Henry lacks a spine and/or balls he says, "Yeah, stick around.  Why not?"  Well, I could give you about INFINITUDE reasons why not, but no one asked me so whatever.  And then Henry proves his Worthlessness ten-fold by adding, "I mean Walsh, somewhere inside there there's a pretty decent kid," and no, no there's really not, Henry.  I've checked.

So Brandon, completely unsullied, turns to leave and Henry's all, "Good news.  You know the Los Angeles Beach Club up the road? They got hit last night.  The exact same kind of robbery...This time the guys got caught in the act...it was the Seashell Laundry Service," meaning the Doobie Brothers-looking mother-fuckers from the beginning of the episode.  Wow, what a twist.  Although what I'm mostly interested in is if the Los Angeles Beach Club is to the Beverly Hills Beach Club what North Beach was to Malibu Sands in Bizarre-O World.

H.O.W., by moonlight.

Dylan comes to Brenda's room and dreamily knocks on Brenda's...wall? Though it's only dreamy until you realize he's rocking The Fucking Steve SAUNders Special.

Anyway, he tells Pretty Brenda, "I came to say goodbye," because he's off to visit his dreadful mother.

As she gets up to hug him we see that Brenda has a very peculiar and illogical mirror setup.  We also see that Dylan's shirt is actually a blouse and that it's three sizes too big for him.  So they spend the rest of their time talking about how Brenda believed in him but that Brandon didn't and who THE HELL cares what Brandon thinks anyway? And why THE HELL are they wasting their "goodbye" talking about PUBE Brandon?

Dylan heads back to Brandon's room, and under Aaron Neville's watchful eye (and mole) he asks if Brandon wants to check his luggage for stolen goods.  Oh, don't worry, Dylan.  He probably already did, when you were in the shower or talking to Brenda or something.  Anyway, Brandon is MIRACULOUSLY able to admit that he should've had more faith in his friend and Dylan OF COURSE accepts this and Brandon somehow manages to keep Dylan as a friend even after accusing him of being a no-good, lying, sticky-fingered, duplicitous cat burglar.  The end.  And: I don't have the energy.

Except that it's not The End, because these dweebs have each gotten each other the going-away gift of a bottle of shampoo.  And then there's laughter and the Cheerful Gee-tar Of Reinvigorated Friendship comes in and plays us out to my favorite part of EVERY episode: the black screen.  Monumental WHATEVER because why no one this entire STINKING episode told Brandon to blow something, ANYTHING, out of his ass is beyond me.

Hit me back here next time (which will hopefully be sooner than like, 17 months from now) for "Play It Again, David," which amazingly doesn't include a story line involving David.  Except for that's a total lie, and we actually have to deal with David's creepy, unattractive father Mel laying down some silky smooth moves on Jackie (and by "silky smooth", I of course mean "HORK" and "I think I just ingested a trough full of ipecac mixed with Extra Strength MiraLAX"), and then Kelly's justifiably coozey reaction to the whole debacle.  Also on the docket: Brandon plays Big Brother to some kid whose face-mole rivals that of Aaron Neville's.  Oh, and the kid's also repeatedly beaten by his trashy, drown-gutter-rat-looking mother, but she lives in Reseda and her kid has a really unappealing birthmark on his face, so can you blame her?  Also: Brenda wears one of my most favorite Brenda Dresses ever.  Which is the only reason I'm even contemplating recapping the episode to begin with.  Until we meet again!

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google, the author's vast repository.