In which Brandon sucks. As usual. But maybe not as much because DYLAN. Let's rock this.
Brandon: "[Not caring.]"
Donna: "My hair is getting crispier!"
Poor (Soon-To-Be) Scott Scanlon: "I think I will purposely shoot myself in the stomach but make it look like an accident next season."
Steve: "I’m 41."
Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "Leave me alone. I’m actually plotting my suicide that’s going to take place on my birthday next year. I hope you and your druggie, multi-hue haired, man-jawed girlfriend can make it."
Dylan: "Mine’s not too great yet, either."
Brenda: "Sounds about right. DYLAN, MUCH?"
Brenda: "I’m wearing these jammies that I will also wear in the 'Slumber Party' episode where Kelly admits to being date-raped. WOW. There are A LOT of date rape-related storylines on this show."
Cindy: "You are truly loathsome and I hate you. Also - my hair looks slightly better than in the Pilot episode."
Cindy: "I’m truly getting too much screen time this episode. When do I get to have an Almost Affair with that creepy photographer guy, who creepily says, in reference to taking you and Brandon’s picture, 'twins…double the pleasure' like some fucking porn director in the Valley?"
Dylan: "We would actually make a pretty cute couple."
Surf Betty: "Well, I will try my damndest to make that happen next season."
So Dylan, the surf twerps, Surf Betty, and Debbie Downer Brandon “sneak” into the Bel Age hotel (home of so very, very many storylines, it’s hard to count). Brandon gets his panties in a bunch, Surf Betty wants him to stay, he instead storms out in a rage of self-righteousness (WHAT'S NEW), and Dylan has to chase him down to explain that he actually lives at the hotel, because his parents are abandoning garbage people (basically).
Brandon: "I don’t know. But I’m still going to storm out of here in a huff, even after your explanation, because, OF COURSE. I’M BRANDON."
The World: What at least one person should say to Brandon, per episode.
Cindy: "Just chillin’, Sister Wives-style."
Cindy: "I am hideous."
Brenda: "I know, Mom. And even though my entire outfit is pretty dated, this jacket-thing is actually fairly stylin’."
Kelly: "I have this stank-bitch look on my face for the majority of Season’s 1 and 2."
Brenda: "You’ve lived in SoCal a lot longer than me, you stupid bitch. Why didn’t YOU wear jeans? Or perhaps bring along a duster or something. OR NOT WORN FUCKING COWBOY BOOTS TO THE BEACH???"
Brenda: "Yes, this was before all of the Dylan melodrama."
Dr.: "Oh, they’re heroes. Whatever."
Brenda: "This jacket is still cute."
“I am a Poor Little Rich Boy; my parents are garbage people. My father’s going to get blown up in a couple of years…or so I think. Then some curly-headed fuck will steal all of my money, and I’ll become addicted to heroin and go back in time to my past lives. Then my wife of one day will be gruesomely executed in a gangland-style shooting that was meant for me. I…think I’ll just shoot myself in the stomach and bleed out all over Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon’s mom’s Persian rug.”
Brandon: "You still look drunk."
Kelly: "My sweater is the true definition of “ugly”. Cut me some slack, eh?"
Brenda: "Okay. Just don’t steal my hunky, hunky boyfriend in a couple of years."