Thursday, January 24, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 2 - The Green Room: FINALLY. GOD.

In which Brandon sucks. As usual. But maybe not as much because DYLAN. Let's rock this. 


"So this is happening. But! Just wait for it..."


"…MY HAIR! IS NO LONGER A MULLET! AND I LOOK PRETTY DREAMY, EVEN THOUGH I WILL SOON RUIN THAT WITH MY ABRASIVE PERSONALITY AND SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS!”


And then this trashy girl shows up. From 1989. 


But it was all a lame dream. To match Brandon’s lame personality. 


And then Brenda shows up with terrible bangs, and is all like, "Get a move on it, No More Mullet."


Setting: The Actual Walsh House (which will BE MINE SOMEDAY). And: The Actual Mondale in the driveway. 


Brenda: "[talking about kiwi? I…don’t know. California has fresh fruit!]"


Cindy and Her Bad Perm are on the phone with Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh, who's in Minnesota doing...something that accountants do. I can't wait for Cindy to have her Almost Affair.


Brandon needs to work on that…swoopiness in the front, there. Unfortunately, we won’t have Perfect Brandon Hair until the Summer of Deception. He also needs to work on wiping that smug look off of his face. WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND. But as we know, HE NEVER WILL.



Brenda: "[Looking frumpy.]"

Brandon: "[Not caring.]"


Kelly: "[Looking Ren Faire-ish.]" 

Donna: "My hair is getting crispier!" 


Kelly: "[Internally making plans to suck Brandon into her vaginal vortex someday.]"


"I...have a lumpy Johnson."


MY GOD. We WORE JEANS LIKE THAT. Like, it was in style. And no one made fun of anyone. Because WE ALL DID IT. 


Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "Why do I even hang out with you? Even me, in my Magic Johnson caricature t-shirt AND matching Lakers hat am cooler than you."


David: "What’d you say, Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon? I was busy over here licking Steve’s taint." 

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Scott Scanlon: "I think I will purposely shoot myself in the stomach but make it look like an accident next season." 

Steve: "I’m 41." 


Frump Town, USA; population: AHHHHHHHNdrea. 


Brandon needs to write a story or some shit. About being the new kid in school. I…don’t know. WHO CARES. 


"[Insufferable, as usual.]"


Brandon: "What the fuck is Tech Class? And what does that have to do with you, Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon, creating a dance club on the computer? Also, I think there’s some kind of robot that makes an appearance? WHERE’S DYLAN???"

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "Leave me alone. I’m actually plotting my suicide that’s going to take place on my birthday next year. I hope you and your druggie, multi-hue haired, man-jawed girlfriend can make it." 


And then these Chads come and pick on Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon. CAN’T THIS KID CATCH A BREAK? They’ll be sorry someday. 


Brandon attempts to diffuse the situation, but of course, he’s a giant pussy and fails to do so. AND THEN…


…from the dark, brooding corners of the classroom…


Shit’s about to get REAL, Y'ALL. Like, MCKAY Real. 


Brandon, as is every other red-blooded human on the planet, is smitten at first site. 


Dylan kicks it Opening Credits Style and defends Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott’s honor…sadly, Dylan won’t even remember Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott’s name next year after he (Poor [Soon-To-Be] Dead Scott) “accidentally” shoots himself in the stomach and bleeds out all over his mom’s rug.


The Chads, having been properly admonished, head out to go date-rape someone...perhaps Bonnie in the episode "The Gentle Art of Listening."


Dylan slinks out in appropriately mysterious fashion, and leaves Brandon all horn-dog and heavy breathing. I feel you, Minnesota.


Brandon, The Smitten Kitten, goes to find Dylan, who’s broodishly hanging on the stairwell...


...all smoldering sideburns and pearls of wisdom. And he's wearing Chucks, so plus seventeen-thousand points. 


Brandon, lucky bitch that he is, gets invited to go surfing with Dylan…and they arrive at the beach a bit later in Dylan’s Boner-Inducing Porsche Speedster. 


Brandon: "While no longer a be-mulleted house of horrors, my hair still looks pretty awful."

Dylan: "Mine’s not too great yet, either."


Then Brandon dorks out on a boogie board. 


And Dylan and his surf-twerp friends make fun of Brandon, as someone should do each and every episode. 


Fucking dork. 


Then Surf Betty shows up and is immediately embarrassed that she’s helping someone wearing flippers. 


"I'm cute, in a trashy kind of way. I look like a 90s-version Anna Faris. I will wreak havoc on Brenda and Dylan's relationship next season, because I am a good-for-nothing slut-bag alcoholic."


"I look pretty cute here, but don’t worry: my personality is abrasive and deplorable."


Meanwhile, Kelly and her jeans that come up to her nipples are doing a little shopping with Brenda, presumably on Rodeo. 


Kelly: "I’m going to buy these rather hideous but expensive jeans you want." 

Brenda: "Sounds about right. DYLAN, MUCH?" 


Steve and his gross shirt find out from his mother that David Silver’s father (Mel!) is an agent or some nonsense, so she basically wants Steve to butter David up. In conclusion: NO ONE CARES. 


HEY! Did you know Steve's mom was on a show called The Hartley House???


Cindy: "[Nag, nag, nag.]"

Brenda: "I’m wearing these jammies that I will also wear in the 'Slumber Party' episode where Kelly admits to being date-raped. WOW. There are A LOT of date rape-related storylines on this show."


Brandon: "I’m going to hang out with my Dream Date tonight, Mom. Can’t stay for dinner."

Cindy: "You are truly loathsome and I hate you. Also - my hair looks slightly better than in the Pilot episode."

Dylan and Brandon are at Make-out Point. I mean, just look at Brandon's face. But really, they're just out in front on the Walsh house...but Brandon still wants to make-out. 


Brenda: "[Cutting up material to make similar jeans to the ones Kelly bought for $300.00 earlier.]"

Cindy: "I’m truly getting too much screen time this episode. When do I get to have an Almost Affair with that creepy photographer guy, who creepily says, in reference to taking you and Brandon’s picture, 'twins…double the pleasure' like some fucking porn director in the Valley?"


Brenda and The World: "NO ONE CARES." 


Sunset Strip. I am going to have sex with Dylan’s car. Brandon’s Texas Tuxedo? Not so much. 


Surf Betty: "I have enviable abs and a very pretty face. I look good in turquoise and pink."

Dylan: "We would actually make a pretty cute couple."

Surf Betty: "Well, I will try my damndest to make that happen next season." 


Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to know. Or some shit. Oh, Dylan. You pretentious ass. 


So Dylan, the surf twerps, Surf Betty, and Debbie Downer Brandon “sneak” into the Bel Age hotel (home of so very, very many storylines, it’s hard to count). Brandon gets his panties in a bunch, Surf Betty wants him to stay, he instead storms out in a rage of self-righteousness (WHAT'S NEW), and Dylan has to chase him down to explain that he actually lives at the hotel, because his parents are abandoning garbage people (basically).


Dylan: "I am so ridiculously 90s right now, it’s not even funny. And yet, I am still managing to be sexy. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

Brandon: "I don’t know. But I’m still going to storm out of here in a huff, even after your explanation, because, OF COURSE. I’M BRANDON."


Dylan: "Smell ya later, Minnesota."

The World: What at least one person should say to Brandon, per episode. 


"Everyone knows about Dylan McKay. Like, I will know him in the Biblical sense at the end of this season."


"[Insufferable and self-righteous.]"


Brandon: "[Still insufferable and self-righteous.]"

Cindy: "Just chillin’, Sister Wives-style."


Kelly is all Beemer Bitch, at the Walsh house to pick up Brenda for the beach.


Brandon: "Hey, I’m going to be completely inappropriate here and tell you that you look hot or cute or something. Because, that’s how we Walsh twins roll."

Cindy: "I am hideous."

Brenda: "I know, Mom. And even though my entire outfit is pretty dated, this jacket-thing is actually fairly stylin’." 


Brenda: "I do look cute. I’m glad my incestuous brother came along, too."

Kelly: "I have this stank-bitch look on my face for the majority of Season’s 1 and 2."

Donna: "…"


Steve: "Hey, let’s have an awkward run-in for the 90th time this season…and it’s only episode 2! Also, I’m 41."

Good thing you have some kind of warning of Brandon’s approach. So that you can run in the opposite direction. 


UH OH. Surf Betty’s gettin’ WASTED. 


"[Typically judgmental.]"


Surf Betty: "You, my friend, are WAY LAME."


Brandon realizes it's true and continues on down the beach in his light-washed denim.


"I always look good in my wetsuit.”


"I LOVE YOU, DYLAN. CHOOSE ME, NOT BRENDA OR KELLY.”


No one cares. No will care EVEN MORE later in the episode that it’s the wrong Mel Silver, since, as we know, David’s father is an oral surgeon, not a producer or whatever. Also: NO ONE CARES.


Kelly: "I’m cold. And ready to hit up the line-dancing bar."

Brenda: "You’ve lived in SoCal a lot longer than me, you stupid bitch. Why didn’t YOU wear jeans? Or perhaps bring along a duster or something. OR NOT WORN FUCKING COWBOY BOOTS TO THE BEACH???"

Donna: "…"


Brandon: "You sure were a lot more jovial Season 1, huh?"

Brenda: "Yes, this was before all of the Dylan melodrama." 


Kelly, being the stupid, selfish, boyfriend-stealing wench that she is, ditches Brenda and Brandon. Because she sucks. 


Brenda thinks so, too. 


And then Surf Betty is DROWNING! NOOOOO!


Wonder Twins To The Rescue! Activate…whatever.


Ruh roh. But maybe she just felt like a nap. 


Whatever. Brandon just wanted a little action. 


Cindy: "Me and my bad perm are awful, but how are my kids?"

Dr.: "Oh, they’re heroes. Whatever."


Brandon: "If I was cooler, I could say I’m going for The Morrissey look…but I’m not. So I can’t."

Brenda: "This jacket is still cute."


The next day, Brandon grows a pair and decides to take on the Surf Toughs all on his own.


Brandon, of course, is a pansy with bad hair, so this doesn’t happen. 


But because Dylan’s a stud, he breaks it up…


…and then breaks one of the Surf Toughs' board. THAT WAS WAY HARSH. 


So the Surf Not-So-Toughs leave, and then Dylan makes this face at Brandon, and then all Brandon wants to do is make out. But then Dylan’s all, “Sorry, Minnesota, I’m saving myself for one Walsh, and one Walsh only.” 


And then Brandon takes his Flock of Seagulls ‘do and flies right on out of there. 


So then Brandon barges into Brenda’s room and forces her to read his lame newspaper article, when it’s obvious she had her OWN work to do. Whatever, he just wants her to tell him he’s awesome…which she unfortunately does. In a cute-ish pink button-up.


And Cindy gets all proud because her kids are awesome and she’s an awesome parent or some shit. 


“I am a Poor Little Rich Boy; my parents are garbage people. My father’s going to get blown up in a couple of years…or so I think. Then some curly-headed fuck will steal all of my money, and I’ll become addicted to heroin and go back in time to my past lives. Then my wife of one day will be gruesomely executed in a gangland-style shooting that was meant for me. I…think I’ll just shoot myself in the stomach and bleed out all over Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon’s mom’s Persian rug.” 


NO ONE CARES. Also: Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon may have had OCD, seeing as he wears Lakers gear ALL THE TIME. Of course, we’ll never know, because he’ll never be properly diagnosed because, well, you know…Also: Steve? 41. 


Surf Betty: "I came here, after awakening from my drunken stupor, to tell you thank you. And I’ll thank your sister next year when I attempt to steal Dylan away from her. Also, I’m cute."

Brandon: "You still look drunk."


Brenda: "You’re a selfish bitch. Don’t give me that smile."

Kelly: "My sweater is the true definition of “ugly”. Cut me some slack, eh?"

Brenda: "Okay. Just don’t steal my hunky, hunky boyfriend in a couple of years."

Kelly: "…"


Brandon and Brenda kick it opening credits style…


…and then do some bizarre, too-close-for-twins shuffle-dance down the hallway. Also: Brenda’s boots are probably cute.



All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.

6 comments:

  1. Thankyou for doing this! I've now found the ideal replacement for my Full House Reviewed addiction.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And thank YOU for referring me to Full House Reviewed! I can't get enough. Also: thanks for reading!

      Delete
  2. This blog is my companion as I rewatch all the episodes. So very before their time, the surf dudes are sporting Uggs long before they were commandeered by girls who wear them adorned with sequins paired with hideous leggings.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much read, BombChelle!

      The UGGS! At the beach. Which is weird. But yes - very fashion-forward.

      Delete
  3. This blog is my companion as I rewatch all the episodes. So very before their time, the surf dudes are sporting Uggs long before they were commandeered by girls who wear them adorned with sequins paired with hideous leggings.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Screeching with laughter here.....

    ReplyDelete