Sunday, May 31, 2015

Season 2; Episode 13 - Halloween: I'M ALIVE. And So Is Scott. But Not For Long. Also, Reminder: Please Don't Rape, Or Attempt To Rape, Anyone. Because That Makes You A Giant Piece Of Shit On Multiple Levels.

In which let's ignore the fact that I haven't been very attentive to the blog over the last infinity (real time: 3 months) and instead take a peek at the DVD menu for this disc:

I mean, look at it.

Reeeeally look at it.

Jesus.  Also: have I distracted you from my negligence yet? No? All I've done is provide you with an ample supply of night terrors for the remainder of your lives? Oh.  Well, then.  Carry on're welcome? I guess?

So we open with umpteen shots of jack-o'-lanterns lit from within by flickering candles.  Seriously, this goes on for at least 3 days.  A woman's screams can also be heard on the soundtrack, totally not inappropriate or disturbing and really just in keeping with the screams Kelly will be letting out later in the episode as she's being assaulted.  It's called "a theme," people.  Oh, and of course no opening montage would be complete without The Sweet Ghee-tar Lick.

We eventually fade up on these sad mini pumpkins with shoddily, Sharpie-drawn faces on them.

Unsurprisingly, it is AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea drawing the uninspired faces on the pumpkins, which are going to be party favors at The Valley Youth Center party AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's attending later that evening.  How fucking depressing: a tiny gourd with a shitty, Sharpie-drawn face on it + having to hang out with The Zuck all night? Happy Halloween, kids.

Brandon mocks AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's evening plans with a sarcastic, "Ohhhh, how sweet." AHHHHHHHHNdrea reminds him that he likes kids, too, which he affirms, and then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea adopts a high-pitched, sacchariny voice that gives us the tiniest glimpse of a sense of humor and mocks, "Ohhhhh, how sweet."

Brandon serves up this murderous glare, which is reminiscent of the time he seriously considered shaving Dylan's body of its flesh and boiling it up for a midday snack:


But seriously.

He continues to concern everyone by stabbing the pumpkin with the knife he's been wielding and twisting it around.  AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's face here speaks for us all.

Monday, May 25, 2015

BREAKING: Or, Just Me Giving You An Update.


I just made procrastination my bitch.  Except not at all, because I haven't posted a recap since February (FEB.RUUUU.ARY.MYGOD) and I'm not REALLY done with this one; I still have to do all the screenshots, put the finishing touches (i.e. my shame) on it, etc.  So, never mind. I will be procrastination's bitch until I think about killing myself and then put it off in lieu of watching the Friends episode where Monica and Rachel lose their apartment to Chandler and Joey and Phoebe finds out she's pregnant for her brother and I get all misty-eyed and pathetic.  More so, I mean.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

BREAKING: More Lies. Probably.

Firstly: Dudes.  I'm sorry.  (Because I know all of you wait around with bated breath for new blog posts.  Shut up, Carly, you self-centered douche, you say? Okay.)

My lower back (or lumbar spine for all of the medical professionals I'm certain read this blog), like my twat of a stomach, is one shifty bitch, hellbent on confining me to a mostly-horizontal position and causing the lower half of my person to burn with the same kind of searing pain I'm sure Steve experiences whenever he urinates out of his floccus-encased pee-hole.  So I've been dealing with the fact that I'm probably going to end up permanently hunched over, shuffling around in public while flailing a Penny Saver advert at passing cars and screaming, "PLEASE!" at my boyfriend to give me some of his cardboard.  Wait, what? Okay, that might've described a homeless woman I saw downtown outside of my office building at lunch one day.  But she was hunched over at like, a 90-degree angle and I'm pretty sure that's where all of her problems originated.  All of this to say that I've been trying to prevent myself from becoming that woman but it's been a slow process, and writing about attempted rape has kind of fallen by the wayside.

But! The post is coming along, I promise you.  I'm making a concerted effort to at least finish up the writing portion of it this weekend, and then hopefully gathering all of the screenshots over the course of the coming week.  I want to thank all of my very (patient) loyal readers,  You know that you rule and I know that you rule and because of that I'll gift you with what I now consider my New Favorite .Gif Ever:

And by "favorite" I of course mean, "Here.  Take this julienne peeler and slowly exfoliate the top layers of each of my eyeballs with it." Drink it in, guys.

Image courtesy of the author's Mad Skillz.