In which Iris McKay (the person, not just the name) finally blows onto our screens and even though she's an abandoning, derelict, neglectful garbage person parent, you can't help but be sort-of charmed by her hippie-dippy, Cocker Spaniel-haired Earth Mother routine. (Mostly I love her because she's cunty to Kelly after she and Dylan start dating in Season 3.) Also, anyone who can give Cindy enough peyote-laced wheat germ to do this:
Is all right in my book. Tuck in.
We open inside a pool hall. Bluesy, Bo Diddley music plays in the background. You should get used to it, because it will play approximately 1,357 times this episode, always to let us know that we're in this billiards hall which is undoubtedly on the wrong side of the tracks and that all the people you see here are criminals and lowlifes.
We roll by several pool tables with loads of trashy randos who've given up on life standing around them.
We eventually wind up at YOU GUESSED IT Resident Beverly Hills Bad Boy Dylan McKay's table. I'm pretty certain he was allowed in the pool hall given that he looks 29 here.
The Consummate Poor Little Rich Boy tosses his pool cue onto the table and walks away, like the rude, self-entitled little twat that he is.
He walks up to this guy at the register and gives him the rack of his balls. I am 12, due to the fact that the term "rack of his balls" makes me chuckle. Counter Guy asks, "Takin' off already?" and Dylan's all, "Yeah, I gotta get home. Dinner with Mom." Counter Guys goes from "Weirdly Dressed Guest Relations Person" to "All The Way Terrifying Serial Killer Whose Crawl Space Should Probably Be Exhumed" when he says, "Yeah, I had a mother once." Soooooo...he's a murderer, right? Like no doubt in anyone's mind? Okay, cool - glad to see we're all on the same page.
Counter Guy keeps randomly laughing like the fucking mental patient and sociopathic life-ender he is and tells Dylan, "You know, McKay, you're about the last guy who would ever struck me as bein' a mama's boy," which prompts Dylan to look at him like this (i.e. with a mixture of fear and...fear) and then slowly back away from the counter and out of the pool hall.
In the courtyard, The Gang sits in a circle and talks about Dylan's shitty mom and their equally as shitty parents. Other than the Holy Walshes, but of course.
Kelly advises, "Honesty is the key," OH THAT'S RICH COMING FROM YOU, HUSSY, "You just have to tell your mom how you feel, I mean, get it out on the table." Steve, with his coral-marbled man-cleave on full display in a shirt he borrowed from Robbie Popcorn, begs to differ: "Forget that psychobabble, Kelly. That only works for deep-seated emotional crises. Parents are another problem." I would advise Steve that in his particular situation, the parents aren't so much the problem as is the brushed-out corkscrew-haired monstrosity they regrettably didn't abort, but whatever. Donna then chimes in with a very un-Donna-like, "You tell her whatever she wants to hear and the do what you want." OUR FELICE WOULD NEVER ALLOW SUCH FLOUTING OF HER AUTHORITY.
So the Poor Little Rich Asshole hit parade continues, as Kelly adds that, "It's not like we all come from what you'd call your normal, stable family backgrounds. I mean, look what I've been through with mine - booze and drugs, and Mel-goddamn-Silver," and I was the one who added Mel to that list but you know she was totally thinking it.
Steve says that it's not like any of them live in "Walsh heaven" and Brenda tells him to stuff a rosy teat in his talk-hole and keep Jim and Cindy out of it.
Dylan complains that he can't handle a 24-7 parent. Probably because he's 29.
He kisses Brenda, wearing her FUCKING BOSS sunglasses and chic menswear ensem, on the cheek and takes his leave, hopefully to go find better jeans in a darker rinse. Brenda informs the others that she's worried about her boyfriend because he's been ditching school and has been really moody, and I'd like to take a moment to remind Brenda that Dylan is, in general, the show's Resident Sad Sack, so what does she expect? Something's always amiss in the tragic existence of Troubled & Turmoiled Dylan "Sad Clown On The Inside AND Outside" McKay. Whatever, Kelly asks if Brenda's met Iris, and Brenda snoots, "No. But I just can't wait."
Inside to some classroom, and we arrive at the inane B-plot line for this episode, which is basically Donna May Not Come Across Like The Sharpest Tool In The Shed, But She'll Show Them!, wherein Steve, Kelly and Donna (oh, and David, but he counts for dick-shit, so whatever) are in this economics class and they had to pick stock to pretend-invest in, and of course it comes to light that Donna is the Beverly Hills Blonde Teenager-version of Warren Buffett and because of this Steve wants to For Real invest with his mommy's money and with Donna's absurd babysitting money, and Kelly keeps implying that Donna's stupid, which I'm pretty certain Donna's already proved in spades by being friends with an ego-centric slag like Kelly, but whatever, it's all very NO ONE CARES so I'm going to do everyone, including the dead, a favor and semi-bypass this subplot altogether.
HOWEVER: let me include this scene, where Steve suggests the stock investment to the others and David, hell-bent on inducing complete cerebellum failure on the world at large, says, "My dad lost his shirt in the stock market crash of '87, and I like my shirt, okay?" Pardon me while hop on a plane to New Mexico to take advantage of that state's Right To Die legislation, after the mental image of both Mel and David topless crushes any desire I have to continue breathing.
Out to the West Bev parking lot, where Dylan's all distracted and gnawing on his keychain like a psych ward invalid, and Brenda's attempting to get his attention by telling him that she's thinking about going blonde again (GOD NO) or perhaps Sinéad-bald. Of course Dylan's not actually listening because he's too wrapped up in his own familial DRAMZ to acknowledge anything or anyone else around him.
Next we see the Speedster flying down Hillcrest Drive...
...and Dylan rather jerkily pulling into the Driveway Of Walsh. He stops short (PLEASE HELP ME) and says, "What is she doin' here?" all annoyed and then we see...
...Iris's oddly sensible, trashy-adjacent car in the driveway. Dylan accurately predicts, "She's either lookin' for me or she's in their reading your mom's palm. Well, Bren, it looks like you finally get to meet the mamacita." Please, Dylan. Don't do that.
Inside to the K.O.W. and Iris and Cindy at the table, drinking MDMA-spiked sweet tea and enjoying its effects by vigorously rubbing their hands together and Iris saying things like, "Truly, you can feel the Earth pulsate." Methylenedioxymethamphetamine's a helluva drug.
Dylan and Brenda enter the kitchen and Dylan's all pissy because of Iris's presence in the H.O.W. and he eventually begrudgingly introduces her to Brenda and Iris (very astutely, I might add) observes that Brenda's "strong-willed, loving and intensely loyal."
Cindy then informs Dylan that her and Iris have a lot in common, that they're both "children of the '60s," and wore flowers in their hair and knew that the answers, my friend, were blowin' in the wind. Or something. Who cares.
National Bank Of The West.
Donna's withdrawing all of the money in her bank account to invest in some stock and Kelly calls Donna stupid. It's not often that this happens but I wholeheartedly agree with Kelly on this one. Moving along.
Inside, Iris is regaling the Walshes with...whatever this is: "You can't believe how L.A. has changed since I left. I mean, take Melrose. In 1980, it was all low-rent auto parts and hardware stores. Paved Paradise and put up a parking lot." ? Because low-rent auto parts and hardware stores were considered Paradise in Iris's world? LSD is also a helluva drug, I guess. Also: I wonder if Iris and Brandon are going to reminisce about the time she was a nun and he was a gross-haired orphan amongst a bunch of other gross-haired (and wheelchair-bound and pouty and giant-breasted and black) orphans:
Instead, Iris tells everyone about her Hawaiian tree house that sits atop a pineapple mountain (whatever-in-the-salvia-laced-poundcake-hell that is) and how she sold t-shirts on the beach (because I'm certain t-shirt sales are lucrative enough for someone to survive in Maui) and joined an archaeological expedition (can you just...join one of those?) and mostly just "mellowed." And by "mellowed" I'm pretty certain she means, "did a lot of hallucinogenics and fucked a lot of random dudes," but that's just a guess. She tells Jim that Hawaii is "a great place to drop your inhibitions...grow a beard, swim naked," and if the repulsive allusions to vile characters on this show being nude or semi-nude don't cease immediately, I just don't know what. Also, Jim may not want to go skinny-dipping, seeing as he and his tufted back could potentially be mistaken for Sasquatch.
Dylan is in no mood to listen to Iris and her flowery descriptions of our 50th state so he makes like a tree as his mother tells him to "chill out," which he says he'll do outside and away from Iris, who is presumably stinking up the room with her essential oil in scent: Peace, Love & Patchouli.
Brenda follows Dylan out to the Porch Of Walsh and they talk about how Iris sucks and is driving Dylan nuts.
As Brenda consoles Dylan, Iris calls from inside, "Dylan! It's getting late!" and Dylan's all, "Good little boys have to go to bed early on a school night."
After hugging Cindy (continued effects from the Molly, I presume) Iris strolls by Brenda and Dylan, telling Brenda she's "a magical young lady," and gives Dylan the crook eye to further inform him that it's time to head home.
Back inside to the K.O.W./D.R.O.W.: clean-up time, and Jim describing Iris as "eccentric" and I guess anything would be "eccentric" when compared with your no-nonsense rugby shirt, Jimbo. Brenda tells her father, "I think the word is weird," and Brandon can't help but be an ass-kiss even in absentia by cheese-dickishly proclaiming, "I kinda liked her." Brenda concludes, "It doesn't matter what any of us think of Iris anyway. She's driving Dylan nuts." You know what's driving me nuts? This story line.
We next head over to the House Of McKay, with a different exterior than the one we will see used in subsequent seasons. Either way, I love them both and would forever-sacrifice the big toenail on my right foot in order to live in one of them.
Inside, Dylan's broodishly reading something on the couch while Iris, fresh out of the shower she took to get the stink of a day's worth of illegal psychotropic substances off of her, waltzes around behind him and asks how long he and Brenda have been together.
Oh, and all the while she's talking she's shuffling some deck of tarot cards because OF FUCKING COURSE she is. She tells her son that Brenda, "has an extremely negative aura...nothing like Cindy. In fact it's hard to believe that they are mother and daughter. Cindy is...so spiritual and Brenda [which she pronounces "Brender" here] is such a Scorp." MY GOD. In the very first paragraph of this thing, did I mention being charmed by Iris's ways? Because I may need to amend that with a FUCK NO. I just...I can't with people who are all into their astrological signs and the astrological signs of their significant others, and into tarot cards predicting their future, etc., and bless their hearts and all, but I NO. I can't and I won't. Ever. I have a feeling Iris would sense a "negative" aura from me as well. And maybe not "negative" so much as "asshole."
ANYHOW, Dylan proceeds to pull on his sassy britches and lay it on the line with Iris: "I don't wanna argue, so I'm only gonna say this one time. Brenda Walsh, my relationship with her, are none of your business. Do you understand me?" Iris doesn't appreciate being told to talk to Dylan's hand so she's all, "Excuuuuuuuse me."
And then Dylan does what any over-privileged prick whose parent or guardian is a lax piece of shit would do: he leaves his house. At midnight. On a school night.
Iris's only reaction is to throw her tarot cards aside. RUDE. It's not the mystical stack of cards' fault that you're a poop-mom, you pseudo-clairvoyant bitch.
So of course Dylan heads back to the pool hall, which we know because he's accompanied by the Bo Diddley Music. He strolls in and we see him pass by this A.C. Slater/Jessie-Spano's-Step-Brother-From-The-9th-Circle-Eric-Tramer hybrid.
He heads up to Counter Guy, who is quite the vest enthusiast, no? He advises Dylan that someone with the name "Falcone" is looking for him. I'm going to choose to believe Counter Guy said "Falkor" and not "Falcone," and that a kind and helpful luckdragon is on the look-out for Dylan.
Counter Guy then solidifies his reputation as a total crap-sack (in addition to his probable proclivity to ritualistically murder people) and asks Dylan if he wants a drink and when Dylan pulls out his wallet says, "Hey man, you don't have to flash that fake I.D. every time you come in here, ya know?" And then he offers THE FUCKING TEENAGER a shot in addition to the beer he's going to illegally serve him. Nice ethics, scumbag. I mean, obviously, this guy would've been the Holy Grail to me during my last two years of high school. But since I'm a decrepit old has-been now, I'm going to clutch my pearls in conjunction with downing the last two-thirds of this Trader Joe's Lambrusco I recently discovered. It's really good, you guys! And, $4.99!
So then Dylan makes sweet, squinty love to his beer (or Welch's White Grape Sparkling Cocktail. Whatever).
WBHHS, the next day.
Oh, HEY. It's my FAVORITE part of every episode: AHHHHHHHHHNdrea And Brandon Talk About The Blaze. Ooooooo! What edge-of-your-seat story ideas are they tossing around this week, you ask? Well, Brandon wrote a piece about the swim team (it's not all Pulitzer Prize-level commentary that single-handedly mends race relations in Los Angeles, you guys!) which he titled, "'West Beverly Swimmers Claim Victory,' Subhead, 'Beverly Hills Sinks.'"
Also nauseating? That AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, in her Rose Nylund-for-The Vermont Country Store finest, types the title of the article into her computer, pulls something off the printer, hands it to this equally-as-41-year-old rando and says, "Slug it in." The best part about all of this? The "Lungs At Work No Smoking" sign, because I guess all of these supposed teenagers have the propensity to light up a Parliment while in class. But I suppose if I had to spend any amount of time with either AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea OR her Zuckerman, I might feel the need to smoke a cigarette or three
cigarettes packs cartons, especially if she advised me to "slug in" anything. Unless she was asking me to slug her in the ovaries. That, I could manage. Whatever, AHHHHHHHNdrea then heinously (and spookily) asks Brandon, "What would I do without you?" I start to tell her that she'd probably have a lot more time to work on The Blaze, seeing as she wouldn't have to be crouching behind hedges while following Brandon home or praying at the feet of her Brandon altar every night, but...
...Brenda barges into the newsroom and I lose my train of thought. She tells the other two, "I've got to talk to you." Brandon forces me to put my head through my neighbor's plate-glass window (seeing as I don't have a plate-glass window) by telling his sister, "We're about to put the paper to bed." DOES ANYONE WORKING ON A HIGH SCHOOL PAPER ANYWHERE EVER TALK LIKE THIS??? PLEASE TELL ME.
Brenda barrels ahead with the fact that Dylan's "flipped out" and ditched school again and that he won't tell her where he goes and that Iris is driving him to the edge. AHHHHHHNdrea asks if Iris is really all that bad, to which Brenda answers, "Yes," and Brandon answers, "No" simultaneously. Brenda calls Iris a "space case" and informs her brother, "She took our mother to a mind gym." Which basically sounds like another excuse to drop a bunch of acid and spend the afternoon seeing deer in tree tops and participating in some kind of raunchy, clary sage-scented love-in.
So sitar music plays us over to this nondescript building with its washed out wall color and tacky as fuck sign advertising the "MIND GYM" Brenda was referring to. This joint must be in The Valley or somewhere equally as dingy.
Inside, Iris and Cindy wordlessly sit on these recliners...
...and Iris puts on the sunglasses? virtual reality simulators?, kicks back and lets the Electric Kool Aid do its thing.
Cindy decides to join her new-found friend on the magic carpet ride, places the BluBlockers on her face and then has a bunch of hallucinations about blasting off to the sun and then burning to death?
Next: The Peach Pit with the Speedster out front.
Inside, Brenda and Dylan sit silently at a table.
Worthless Nat notices Brenda's and Dylan's lack of conversation and, having nothing better to do or be concerned with in his pathetic life, worthlessly asks Brandon, "What's with Dylan? He doesn't look so good." Instead of telling Nat to mind his business and not get involved in the lives of his teenage customers, Brandon says, "I don't know...I think it's his mother." Nat gets one more worthless line in for the episode, before he's worthlessly relegated to the back room or the kitchen or something, and queries, "He's got a mother?" Way to prove your worthlessness in spades, Worthless Nat.
Back over to These Hot Sluts. Look at them! Even in the midst of a bunch of stupid drama, they look perfect. So Brenda rags on Dylan about skipping school for three days (WOULDN'T SOMEONE BE CALLING IRIS IF DYLAN MISSED THREE DAYS WITHOUT NOTICE???) and then offers to help him prepare for a trig test they have the following day. Brandon comes over and sticks his non-chin into the mix and then Dylan leaves. Because of Brandon, I can only assume.
cult headquarters the mind gym. Cindy says, "I feel like I'm floating." Magic mushrooms tend to have that effect, Cin.
A waitress drops off these smoothie-looking drinks which Iris describes: "Ginger, garlic, orange."
Cindy learned absolutely nothing from the news reports about the Jonestown Massacre, so it's bottoms up!
And then for the krillionth time this episode, Iris McKay: Garbage Dumpster Mom is discussed. But rather than addressing that, I'd like to mention how pretty Stephanie Beacham is. And she's still a total dish today. Props to you, Erstwhile Iris McKay/Sister Kate.
Christ. I forgot that we head back to The Peach Pit with Donna and Steve and Worthless Nat gets to flaunt his worthlessness some more. Oh! But now I just remembered that I refuse to deal with this brainless secondary story so BYE. But first:
Back to the pool hall. I'm going to call this place The Break Room, so named after this mess of a bar near a (will-to-live crushing) call center job I held approximately seven eons ago. Its name, of course, was a double-entendre, referring to the "break"ing of pool balls and also referencing the place in the office where people who work in call centers go to kick back, drink a soda and pen their suicide notes. So. Back at The Break Room. Dylan drinks his Mott's apple juice.
As he considers his next shot, this dirtbag walks up and says, "Winners." Dylan lets us know this is the infamous Falcone and proceeds to sink a shot, all, "I just won." And then Falcone, who should really go back to the drawing board in terms of not presenting himself as a complete piece of trailer park trash, calls Dylan "The Prince Of Beverly Hills" and I in turn shout "OH PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE" so loudly that my vocal box snaps and bursts into flames. Seriously - that loud.
Dylan (who's looking pretty trashy himself in his gross mock turtleneck) and Falcone are going to play for "fifty a game." Whatever.
Over to the Kitchen Counter Of Walsh, which is covered in takeout containers.
Brenda comments on the spiciness of whatever she's eating and asks Cindy what it is. Cindy replies, "It's a place that Dylan's mother recommended in West Hollywood called Pakistani Palace." Look at Cindy, being ALL kinds of cultural! Or furthering her indoctrination into whatever cultist lifestyle Iris leads, I guess.
Jim's peanutty head breaks into a major sweat as he declares, "It is a little hot...I'm starting to see stars; could you pass the water, please?" Oh, Jim. You fucking pussy. Anyway, it's then back to talking about Iris driving Dylan up a wall. So, basically the same conversation that's already been had seventeen times this episode.
CRIMINY. Back to The Break Room. Bo Diddley Music. Dylan...whatever.
Falcone watches from a stool, smoking, and thinking about the rusted-out, tire-less Camaro that's up on blocks in his dirt driveway that's not really a driveway, just an area where the grass has died. Because you know he has one of those.
So then in Wow, I Bet You Didn't See That Coming news, Dylan wins and Falcone throws the money down on the table and says, "Well, that's it for me tonight, Rich Kid," and Dylan's Horrible Dylan Voiceover absurdly says, "Anytime, Falcone. Anytime." In further Wow, I Bet You Didn't See That Coming news, do you think Falcone will somehow manage to win his money back later in the show, because Dylan will be all drunk BUT unable to pay it and because of that receive a back-alley beatdown while Brandon's held back by Falcone's goons like the unhelpful, limp fettuccine-armed useless we all know him to be? Because I don't.
Also: Dylan does this some more.
To the Foyer Of Walsh we go. The doorbell rings and Brenda answers it to see Dylan slovenly swaying on the porch.
Brenda (SO PRETTY) lays into the lush...
...which gets Dylan all horny I guess. Brenda smells the funk of fine pool hall beer on his breath and shrieks, "You've been drinking!" Dylan claims he's a "big boy" and Brenda should lighten up because he's under control. Yes. Drunken driving is absolutely what I'd consider "under control." Dink.
So he stumble-bumbles into the L.R.O.W., opens the liquor cabinet and starts rummaging. Brenda begs for him to stop, but once he throws back a shot, she Bad Bitches, "Damn it, Dylan, if you are going to drink get the hell outta my house!"
Dylan, Forever Victim, gets all butt-hurt and WHAT'S NEW sad sacky and tells her, "I thought I could count on you. Thanks for listening." And then he mopes out of the house to get in his car and drive home and probably kill someone. Hurray!
Upstairs, Brandon pretends to study.
Brenda comes in and tells him about Dylan and his drinking and that she threw him out of the house after he got into the liquor cabinet. She asks if she screwed up. Brandon, comforting for once in his goddamn existence, tells her no, and then reveals that Dylan boozed it up on the camping trip. And by "boozed it up," I of course mean, "drank a half of a Bacardi Breezer and called it a night." Brandon says that he didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but Brenda argues that it is a big deal, seeing as Dylan's a recovering alcoholic
only until Season 9. And then Brenda continues to blame Iris for Dylan falling off the wagon and I'd really like it if someone would actually fall off a wagon and into some kind of deep crevasse somewhere where stupid, boring story lines like the ones in this ENTIRE FREAKING EPISODE go to rot and die and never be heard from again. Brandon tells her Iris isn't to blame, that "she's not the one pourin' booze down his throat." I wish I had someone to pour booze down my throat. I think I'll start taking applications for just such a position.
West Bev; same guy with his neon pink-and-yellow backpack as always.
Into the Economics class. Steve and Donna argue about selling the stock (Donna wants to; Steve is a greedy swine who wants to hold out for more money, because he so-desperately needs more, obviously) in front of the rest of the class who doesn't get to speak. At some point during the exchange, Steve tells Donna, "Don't be stupid."
In the hallway, Dylan looks rough and comes shuffling up to the locker bank, saying, "Morning all."
Kelly greets him with, "You decided to come to school. To what do we owe the honor?" Dylan shoots Kelly a nasty look and leans in to kiss Brenda on the cheek. He apologizes about the night before and Brenda's all, "Dylan, you've been drinking." Dylan claims he wouldn't come to school drunk, but Brandon pipes in with, "You smell like a brewery, pal. I better get ya outta here." If the prospect of being forced to hang out with Brandon doesn't sober Dylan right the fuck up, nothing will.
Dylan tells Brandon that he can't leave - he's got that trig test he was supposed to study with Brenda for. Kelly snarks, "Oh, I'm sure you'll ace that one." Dylan slops out, "Shut up, Kelly," and Kelly's all, "You know, Dylan, there's one thing worse than a drunk, and that's a mean drunk." And she would know:
So then Dylan tells them, "You know, I suddenly have the urge to just get the hell outta here, so why don't you give my regards to trig," and then he slovenly shambles himself down the hallway and out to the parking lot to get in his car and probably go kill some more people.
Brenda demands that Brandon follow Dylan and then her and Kelly (who both look fantastic here, by the way) walk down the hall and Kelly goes into her whole bit about Dylan having to hit rock bottom and that Brenda can't be there to catch him, etc. Kelly, referencing her ordeal with Jackie, says, "It wasn't easy watching my mom degrade herself, night after night." Again, she would know:
Kelly continues to be a good friend for once and further counsels Brenda, "You can love him, but you can't save him," which is good advice, that.
To the parking lot and a clammy 39-year-old Dylan in his car as an arm reaches across and turns off the ignition.
Of course the arm belongs to Brandon, who is managing to stick his non-chin into the right mix this time around, and he tells his friend, "I can't let you drive, pal. Anywhere you wanna go, I'll take you. I just don't wanna scrape you off a telephone pole today. It's this thing I got against it." Sure, it would be bad if Dylan hurt himself while driving drunk, but frankly, I'd be more concerned about his potential innocent victims. Unless it was Brandon; then I'd attempt to execute my very first reverse twisting armstand dive into an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with champagne, strawberries and mylar balloons with celebratory sayings on them.
Back at the pool hall. What kind of music is playing in the background, you ask? I'LL KILL YOU. Brandon's watching Dylan play pool with Falcone while being cruised by the be-mulleted sex-beast in the background there. Look at the seductive way he's chalking his cue. I bet he'd like to chalk Brandon's cue, amirite??? All I'm saying is that it's pretty obvious that his Rustler cobra is straining to get a shot at Brandon.
So Falcone (who's got sort of a Trailer Court Lukas Haas look about him) totally cock-blocks Mr. Bi-Level and informs Brandon, "Your friend's pretty good. He took a lotta money off me yesterday." Brandon asks how much and Falcone tells him it was $500.00 but that he's already won it back. Cut to Dylan missing a shot and then taking a slobbery drink of his beer.
Brandon approaches Dylan to tell him that they need to leave and that Dylan's already lost a lot of money and asks him, "How long you gonna keep this up?" and Dylan, reigning Sad Sack Sultan of the WORLD sad sacks, "Til I'm numb. 'Til I forget where I am and why I came here in the first place." Does anyone have any OH PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASEs I could borrow? I'm plumb out.
Into the kitchen, where Cindy's consoling Iris about being a crap mother and not knowing where her son is and that he never came home the night before. Iris shows us where Dylan inherited his Sad Sackiness from by saying things like, "I don't know how much longer I can take this," and "I don't know how to do this." Well, I'm glad you were so responsible about it and figured out you would be a horrible excuse for a mother before you had children. Dodged a bullet on that one! Oh...wait...
Brenda enters the house and the kitchen and tells them she doesn't know where either Brandon or Dylan is. Iris freaks and says she's going to call the police and the hospitals (perhaps something she should've done the night before when her FUCKING SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SON DIDN'T COME HOME). Cindy asks Brenda if Dylan's been drinking which Brenda confirms, but, "Brandon made sure he didn't drive."
Iris has the GALL to make this face and shriek, "Well maybe he should have made sure he didn't drink!" Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. There aren't enough dissertations available in the galaxy for me to express my thoughts and feelings on that one, so, take it away, Brenda!:
"Where do you get off criticizing Brandon? You know, he has been there for Dylan whenever Dylan needed him, which is a lot more than I can say for you! Why else do you think Dylan's falling apart?" I mean, there's a lot of other reasons why Dylan is going off the rails but Iris and her past abandonment and current non-parenting don't seem to be helping anything.
Cindy interjects by asking if Dylan's with Brandon at the moment, and Brenda says that he is. Cindy is obviously deluded about her son's ability to fend off physical attacks because she says, "If he's with Brandon, then he's fine."
Like the rest of the world, Iris somehow doubts this.
Back to the pool hall. Falcone sinks a shot and tells Dylan, "Well that's it, Rich Kid. I'm done." Dylan says that he wants a chance to win back his money.
But this greased up scuzz steps to Dylan and says, "I said I'm done, I'm done. Pay up...funny, I don't see you reachin' into your pocket."
Dylan Tough Guys, "That's 'cause I don't have it." And then Falcone Jim-lectures him on having money on him when playing pool and that he, Falcone, doesn't accept IOUs. Dylan says, "Well, then I guess you don't get paid."
Brandon stands off to the side pissing his pants and nervously says, "He'll get it, man. He's good for it," as he's flanked by the dreamboat from earlier and some other Rando mustached hunk-of-a-Prince Charming.
So then Falcone wants to go for a walk. Which I think is a really nice gesture and a way to make amen...oh, not that kind of walk, you say?
Nope. Not that kind of walk.
As Dylan is beaten to a pulp by Falcone, a couple of his dumpster heap henchmen hold Brandon back. Because it apparently takes not one but two full-grown men who both appear to be several inches taller and weigh many pounds more than him to contain Brandon and his small-scale RAGE.
So Falcone halts his clobbering to tell Dylan, "That was just to let you know that I'm serious. It's the next time that I get mean, so don't mess with me. Bring cash. Tomorrow." And then he does this:
Like, caresses Dylan's chin with the mouth-blood dribbling down onto it. That's...unsettling.
The other cronies let Brandon go as Dylan collapses to the pavement. Brandon tries and fails at acting all tough, like he's going to take some kind of Sir Charms retribution out on them or something.
Brandon helps Dylan up and it's all very The Bodyguard.
And then Dylan looks like this, which is just a mess of YIKES smeared with a thick layer of GROSS.
H.O.W., living room. Cindy, Jim and Iris all sit/stand around with a hand to their respective heads, to denote frustration, fear and concern.
Dylan and Brandon enter through the front door and Brandon approaches everyone while Dylan lurks around in the shadows with his head averted to one side because that's not fucking obvious.
All of the parents start railing on the boys and Iris is all, "I've been worried sick about you!" Dylan steals my line and says, "Oh, please, spare me." Brandon tries to cover for himself and Dylan, saying that they lost track of time and they were just "hangin'." As per previous episodes, Brandon's a horrible liar.
Dylan emerges from the darkness and chimes in: "We were at a pool hall, I got in a game, and it's like Brandon said, we lost track of time." And he apparently Crisco'ed his face before the fisticuffs with Falcone seeing as what in petroleum jelly-and-metallic-Krylon-coated hell is with that lustrous-ass bruise? It looks like he made out with Jack Haley in costume as Tin Man. Jesus.
Jim and Cindy are just as horrified by the ridiculous make-up job on Luke Perry's face as I am and Cindy gasps and Jim's all, "Do you always get a fat lip when you play pool?" This would've been the perfect opportunity for Dylan to say to Jim, "No. Do you always get a fat lip when I fist you in the mouth like this?" and then popped him one.
Iris comes at Dylan with a Kleenex as he explains that he lost $800.00. And much of his pride, I assume. Iris declares, "I can't handle this."
Dylan tells her that she never could handle anything and Iris says she doesn't deserve to be spoken to that way. I'm with Dylan as he replies, "Well, how should I speak to you? With respect? Or like someone who walked out on me when I was 6 years old?" Iris wants to continue to be a complete fucking albatross to this family she met all of three days before, so she asks them to leave their own living room so that she can have another loud, low-classy verbal brawl with her spawn.
Into the kitchen with the Walshes and Jim gets all butch (or as butch as he can get dressed like a low-rent Gordon Gekko impersonator) and asks Brandon, "All right, are you involved in this?" Brandon says that he's not, he was just helping Dylan "cool out." And don't worry, Jim: the tedious Brandon's Addicted To Gambling And Its Seedy Underbelly story line is only a little over a year away, so you'll be getting to have similar mano-y-mano conversations with the pipsqueak at that time if you want.
Jim apparently made Brandon cry, so he goes to blow his nose and sob gently behind Cindy. In the meantime, Jim tells Brenda, "I think the time for feeling sorry for Dylan is over...the kind of problems that Dylan has take a long time to build up. Now we've all been there for him, but there's only so much any of us can do." Brenda says, "You're abandoning him. You said that you would stand by him, that you'd help him." Jim non-dickishly (for once) advises, "Brenda, he has a mother now...he's gonna have to work it out with her. And...until Dylan shows he can get a grip on his life, I don't want you seeing him. Do you understand?" I mean, I'm all for Our Beloveds. But since Dylan's an alchy and acting like one of those You don't know me! You don't know me! bits of mini-scum kids who were sent to boot camp on 1990s treasure The Jenny Jones Show, I can understand why Jim would be putting the kibosh on the relationship at the moment. Brenda does not do as she usually does and shout her father down; rather she nods her head in a show of acceptance.
Out to the living room and Iris in a gross position in front of her son's open legs. I mean, I know this show promotes and even romanticizes incest, but this might be taking it a little too far. On that vile note, let's instead talk about Iris telling her son that she doesn't know how to handle him, blah blah WE GET IT BECAUSE IT'S BEEN DISCUSSED TO DEATH ALREADY blah.
Dylan eventually does what I would love to do at the moment and storms out the Front Door Of Walsh. Iris calls after him...
...which sparks the interest of those nosy slut Walshes.
Brenda follows Dylan outside...
...while Cindy goes to comfort Iris or try to get her the hell out of her house. Iris can't take a hint so she continues being an total inconvenience to these near-strangers, saying, "I don't know how to be a mother," (which takes the esteemed Understatement Of The Episode award) and that after Jack was arrested she thought she'd get her son back. And then finally, finally Iris has her Come To Jesus Or Buddha Or Whatever Celestial Wiccan Something She Prays To moment: "I walked out on my son. Why should I expect him ever to forgive me for that? Or even want to understand why? He's right. I don't deserve to be a part of his life." THANKS FOR PLAYING BITCH. I mean, it's sort of sad. But true.
YOW. If Dylan looked rough earlier in the episode, then now he looks like...well, similar to:
Whatever, Brenda tells him that until he gets his shit together, she's not allowed to see him. But she says that she doesn't want to lose him, "not this time." Even with him looking like that?
WBHHS parking lot. Steve yells from his car to Donna.
Continuing the grand tradition: I don't care.
Also in breaking I Don't Care news: Donna sold the stock and made a lot of money and tells both Steve and Kelly to shove it up their probably-albino assholes. Oh, and to never call her stupid again. And then she flounces away and I can take my life back. (AHHAHAHAHAHA! What life? - you)
Interior, House Of McKay. Dylan shuffles out of his bedroom (the shadow from his hand making him appear to have a giant morning Woodrow) all sleep-haired and trash-shirted.
Iris sits in a chair reading some hippie bullshit and tells Dylan it's noon and that she made him some breakfast. How did she know when he'd be getting up?
Or maybe it's been sitting there for hours? Whatever, Dylan starts to apologize for the truth grenade he detonated in Iris's direction the night before, but she stops him and tells him he was right, etc., etc., etc., and that she's going back to Hawaii.
So Dylan sort of starts weeping like a little bitch and Iris continues to explain: "I know that some people may say that I'm copping out, that things got a little rough and I split, but...the truth is, Dylan, I wasn't there for you 11 years ago when you really needed me, so...I'm not gonna pretend to be here for you now when you don't. When we split up, your father offered me a lot of money to keep out of your life. If I'd been stronger, I might have fought him harder and longer and I might've won. But...we'll never know. Because I gave up. I took his money and I disappeared. But I promised myself that I would never, ever touch a penny of it. And I didn't. So...this belongs to you."
She hands him an envelope and he pulls a check out of it, saying, " That's a lotta money," and it's either $10 million or hundreds of millions or any of the other amounts that get tossed around over the years in reference to Dylan's fortune. He says he doesn't want it, but Iris informs him that she had Jim set up a trust (the genesis of so many, many, many future story lines), and then says, "Make a good life for yourself, baby," which miraculously made me get a little misty-eyed. BECAUSE OF A COINCIDENTAL ALLERGY FLARE UP, SHUT UP. Dylan asks what Iris is going to do and she mentions her tree house on the pineapple mountain again (I still don't know what that means) and that, "What I do want...is for us to start again. To build a relationship based on something real. That way, maybe, sometime, you won't wanna call me Iris; you'll wanna call me mom." And someone is totally cutting up bushels of onions in here because why is an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 that I've seen approximately 17 mygrillion times MAKING ME SNIVEL???
The next whatever at the H.O.W., Iris arrives to say thank you and to inform the Walshes that she and Dylan are on their way to the airport. Her and Cindy hug it out and she escapes all parental responsibility by telling Cindy, "Take care of my son." Uh, okay, you negligent bitch. Brenda then tells Iris, "I'm sorry for what I said to you
even though it was completely accurate...I know it must take a lot of courage to do what you're doing." Iris responds, "He's not an easy guy to love, is he?"
Brenda (who looks AH-MAY-ZING here) says, "No. But we sure do, don't we?" Iris touches Brenda's cheek and agrees: "Yes, we sure do." And that was a nice moment.
Onto non-nice moments (for Dylan at least): Brandon approaches Dylan as he waits outside for Iris. Dylan says that he can't believe Iris is leaving but that, "I don't really wanna be alone again." Brandon's all, "Yeah, well, you're not alone," meaning that poor Dylan will never rid himself of the stench of Brandon. Dylan says, "I'm what they call an emancipated minor." Like Corey Feldman?!? Because we all know how well that turned out! Anyhow, Brandon tells Dylan to call him when he's done at the airport: "There's someplace we gotta go." Dylan says, "Yeah, I know. Falcone." Brandon's all, "After that." Dylan: "Where?" Brandon: "Someplace you took me when I needed a friend." Oh, brother.
Cut to WBHHS; the hallway leads us to this door with a poster advertising an A.A. meeting on it. Someone really needs to work on their poster-making skills.
Inside, all of these drunken teenagers recite the Serenity Prayer. Brandon sits in the back, staring at Dylan like the creep that he is.
So...is Brandon trying to help Dylan? Or, is he simply lulling his friend into a false sense of support and security before dead-eyed-ly hack-sawing Dylan's scrawn body into sugar-cube sized pieces and storing them under the floorboards of his bedroom at the House Of Walsh? Per the homicidal overtones he's serving up here, I'm going to go with the latter.
Get excited for next time, because we learn that The Disabled Are Just Like Us! when Brenda and Brandon's cousin, Bobby Wheelchair, comes for a visit! Kelly rejects him and he eventually enacts his revenge on her by teaching himself how to walk, changing his name to Johnny Five, dyeing his hair brown and growing it out, looking like this:
And becoming a drug dealer who gets Kelly hooked on the yayo! No, seriously. It's the same actor. Who was also in a couple of those ooky Mike Seaver ♥s The Lord And Gets Left Behind movies that really make you regret your early-to-mid Growing Pains-era crush on Kirk Cameron. See you on the flip side, all.
All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google, bh90210.fanfusion.org