Season 1; Ep. 15 - Palm Springs Weekend: Keep A Couple Of Home Depot Brand Buckets Nearby For This One, Guys. TRUST ME.

In which Dylan tries to pressure Brenda into sleeping with him, and kind-of-sort-of acts like The Biggest Tool In The Shed about it. It's called masturbation, Dylan. Look into it. I know you're all Experienced Bad Boy, but whatever. Also, Gap-Toothed Stuart Carson from Season 4 shows up (as a Non-Stuart bellhop or some shit) and David is at once The Worst Friend Ever as well as The Worst Grandson Ever. He also has The Worst Hair Ever. And The Worst Shirt Ever. Start it up.

CRIMINY. Look, you know how much I love me some Brenda + Dylan, but he's eating her face off here, LOUDLY, and it's quite disturbing. But his car is giving my eyeballs an erection, so whatever.

Brenda manages to push Dylan off of the snack bar that is apparently her face and says, "Dylan. We've gotta stop," an Dylan agrees all, "Yeah, we gotta stop; I'm dying here." Meaning he has balls the color of an overripe plum and is sporting a Woodrow the size of the Speedster's gear shift. 

And then he turns into Mr. Congeniality and says, "Brenda, we've been going out for two months now; I have been absolutely faithful to you and all I get is a bunch of promises and a lot of I'm sorry," and this is just charming. And by "charming," I of course mean "fucking gross." Like, because he somehow managed to not stick his dick into some other girl's bearded clam, Brenda now OWES IT TO HIM TO SLEEP WITH HIM??? Dylan, you are officially on restriction.

ANYway. Brenda says she's sorry, and Dylan's all, "Don't be sorry; be friendly," meaning "Give me a handy," I presume. And Brenda again denies him, saying that she can't; he asks, "How about next weekend?" and Brenda says, "I'm going to Palm Springs with Kelly and Donna next weekend," for Presidents' Day (a rocking, party-hard holiday if ever there was one) and Dylan gets all kinds of huffy (negative thirty-seven-hundred points for that) and then suggests that he get them a room in Palm Springs instead, and she can tell her parents that she's still hanging out with The Terrible Twosome. Because I guess 16 year-olds can just rent hotel rooms? But I guess because his father is Shitty Diarrhea Garbage Person Swindler Jack McKay, all of these swanky hotels all over Southern California just let Dylan shack up and fuck girls, etc., no questions asked. WHATEVER. 

So Brenda is still uncertain, and says she doesn't know and Dylan looks at her like this and says, "Yes, you do," and because I am not a robot, I love Dylan again. THE END.

Only not. We're in the House Of Walsh kitchen the following Friday (I guess) and Brenda comes in wearing jeans that will double as a strapless jumpsuit later in the day. I mean, I assume. Because they come up to her lower lip. She's also rocking a cow-pie-colored crochet nightmare that I will bypass, but only because I'm fairly certain I owned one similar to it. And because her hair looks FANTASTIC.

So Cindy's all Anxious Parent and says, "Honey, I'm a little concerned about there not being any parents out there," and Brenda, Typical Teen, is all, "Mother, that's the point. All the schools are out for Presidents' Day. Kelly says anybody who's anybody goes to Palm Springs," and Kelly is so, so lame, you guys. And she will continue to be lame for another 9 1/2 FUCKING SEASONS. So blah blah Cindy wants Brenda to leave a number where they can reach her blah, Brenda says, "Maybe you should give me one of those radar collars like for dogs," and then...

...TURD Brandon comes in and thinks he's all clever and shit and says, "No, Bren, what you need is one of those collars that electrocutes you every time you get out of line," and it's been about five minutes and already I wish this guy was dead. And then he goes on with, "What I need is a new car," like, I FUCKING HOPE NOT. It's been like, FOUR episodes since Brandon was a menace to society and almost killed a man while on a Purple Pleasure-induced jag behind the wheel of Mondale. HELLO? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THAT? Besides me and the now-quadriplegic victim, I mean. 

So Brandon runs over to Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh all, "Dad, I know what you're gonna say, and I don't want you to say anything until you take a look at this brochure. See, any good mechanic can restore an old engine, but this guy completely restores the original interiors, the original grill work," and THANK FUCKING GOD, Jim says, "It costs $25,000!" and what he should have said is, "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" right in Brandon's Stupid Brandon face, and then like, knocked him to the ground and hocked a bloody loogie on him. Brandon continues to attempt to convince his father with, "But it's a classic. And it's definitely gonna be worth more than that in five years. That's why Dylan's father bought him a Porsche," and Jim reminds Brandon that Jack McKay is a Shitty Diarrhea Garbage Person Swindler, and then Brandon SERIOUSLY SAYS, "C'mon, Dad. You know how hard I work. And last night Nat tells me that I can't go to Palm Springs this weekend with all of my friends because his sister's sick and now I have to work all weekend, but you don't hear me complaining, do ya?" AND I THINK THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU SELF-INVOLVED SHIT SACK. And Jim basically agrees with me and just says, "Yes." Which was kind of awesome. Don't worry, though: I'll be back to having a raging hate-boner for Jim by the end of the episode.

Cut to: West Bev, with these two dweebs walking down the hall as Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scottie says, "Magic Mountain's going to be so cool this weekend. It's gonna be jammed. My mom says we can stay all day," and David, delusional in the extreme and lacking any kind of self-awareness, says, "I heard girls just roam in packs searching for guys," and yes, they probably do, but since you are a TROLL, David (and Scott's not too far behind, actually) I somehow doubt they'll be giving you one iota of one nanosecond of thought or attention.

And then David TOTALLY ditches Scott, like, he'll regret it someday, except probably not, since as he'll continually demonstrate for many seasons to come, he is a deplorable excuse for a human being and should've died from a methamphetamine overdose in Season 4. Sadly for THE ENTIRE WORLD, he doesn't. The best thing about David? Will be Valerie. And then he'll shit all over her and continue being despicable and go back to Donna so that they can be despicable together so whatever. WHERE WAS I MY GOD. Okay. So. These two monstrosities are at Steve's locker, where they're wearing their equally repulsive shirts that are having some kind of Ugly Off and whichever one wins gets to kill the other one and the person wearing it and I HOPE IT'S A TIE AND THE END. NO MORE DAVID AND STEVE. Except that, unlike Brandon, we know that won't happen for another millenia or so. So Steve says that he's not in the mood for David, and I'm not ever in the mood for either of them, but whatever. And then Steve goes on to say, "I invited my friends to Palm Springs for the biggest weekend of the year. This morning my mom conveniently tells me that I can't go because she's having the house fumigated...everybody's gonna kill me, I've been talking up this place for weeks. We're supposed to leave after school today," and Steve? You are just awful at life. PLEASE CEASE TO EXIST. So David, with his Steve SAUNders Special, tells Steve, with his Non-Steve SAUNders Special, about this amazing house in Palm Springs that his grandparents have and they're on a cruise and NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD CARES. 

Except of course for Steve, who is 41. And whose lace-front is looking a little raggedy at the moment, like, time to take it in for a tune-up at the wig shop, Steve-O! So Steve proceeds to lick David's taint all, "David, I'm sorry I snapped at you, I know you were just trying to be friendly. Have I ever told you how glad I am you and I have become good friends?" and David of course eats this up with a spoon, like, WHYYYYYYY? would anyone want to be Steve's friend? WHYYYYYYYY? Please note that I am also falling to my knees and violently shaking my fists and looking towards the heavens when I say that BECAUSE SERIOUSLY. 

Later, Steve's telling Brandon, "We're gonna do Palm Springs like it's never been done before. No bikini left untied," and I just threw up everything that I've eaten for the last two days MOTHER OF PEARL. So Brandon plays the martyr (his favorite role) and tells Steve that he can't go, he has to work, blah blah HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY "NO ONE CARES"? blah, Steve who is awful says, "Call in sick!" And Brandon is all, "Steve, some people don't get everything handed to them on a silver platter," which is ironic coming from this sack of manure since he was just attempting to get Jim to buy him a $25,000.00 car but WHATEVER, Steve doesn't want to have to hang out with David Silver alone all weekend and I STILL DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS.

Cut to: the girls down the hall, and Donna pulling a load of Louis Vuitton luggage out of her locker, and West Bev is apparently Hogwarts or some shit, because Donna can manage to fit multiple HUGE suitcases in this magical compartment. So Kelly's...actually wearing something cute. I'm big on vests at the moment, so that's probably why. It's actually a very Summer Of Deception-Brenda In Paris shorts-suit. And Donna has managed to look somewhat okay, and she has at least avoided wearing a cropped marching band jacket this time around. Brenda's...sweater is still gross. ANYway, Donna's telling Kelly and Brenda, "I have to dress according to the guys we meet. I mean, high school guys; college guys; grad school guys; dropout guys [CLASSY!]...you cannot dress the same for all guys, no," and what about cross-eyed, wet-lipped musician guys who yank their girlfriends down hotel stairways, Donna? ALSO IN PALM SPRINGS? HMMMMM?

I guess the outfit for that type of guy is a heinous Canadian Tuxedo and over-processed helmet hair. Also: NICE GODDAMN LONG-JOHNS, IN MAY, IN THE DESERT, RAY, YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE. ANYWAY.

So this makes me sick, actually. David, mid-ditching of Scottie, says, "We'll go to Magic Mountain next weekend," and Scott informs him that the pass is only good for that weekend, but because David SHOULD DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS I MEAN TOTALLY, he responds with, "Well, maybe you can get your little brother to go. Look, I'm not gonna walk away from the chance to be with Kelly and Steve for the three-day weekend of the year. Every babe from West Beverly, Beverly Hills High, Brentwood, and Santa Monica's gonna be there. You know how it is," and Scott sad-sackily informs him, "No, I don't know how it is. I've never been there before," like MAYBE FUCKING DAVID COULD I DON'T KNOW, INVITE SCOTT TO COME ALONG??? Sure, I'm certain his batshit mom wouldn't let him, but at least David could make a goddamn effort to be more than a complete low-life status-climber. And I'm sorry, but Steve and Kelly are also dreadful excuses for homosapiens, so why they're some fucking gold-standard for David to hang out with is beyond me. In conclusion: Scott, you're better off. Also: IS THIS REAL LIFE? NO, YOU SAY? MY BAD.

So after swiftly abandoning Scott, David comes up to blind everyone with his Shirt Of Bile and then causes all of them to go deaf when he says, "Hey, gang. Are we gonna have a blast or what? Huh?" in his Patented Prepubescent David Voice.

And Brenda and Donna are understandably horrified and make these awesome faces of nausea as Steve says, "There's been a slight change of plans." And Steve is YET AGAIN a life ruiner.

OH CHRIST. Cut to The Peach Pit, where we're introduced to the Brandon And The Adorable Moppet plot line. And by "adorable" I of course mean...well, it's a subjective term. But like I said at the end of the last blog post, this kid's The Poor Man's Macaulay Culkin. So...whatever. ANYIHATETHISSTORYLINE, Brandon asks this tyke, named Curtis, if he's decided what he wants to eat. I will fondly remember this little boy as the son of Jerry's neighbor who destroys his comedy tape which causes Jerry to go on a profanity-laced rant on Seinfeld.

"He's the funny fuck."

I NEED A LIFE. Obviously. ANYWAY. Look at the "darling" and mischievous antics! How delightful! Except the exact opposite of that. So Curtis, with his wholly offensive hairdo (which is reminiscent of Nina's from "The Gentle Art Of Listening" episode, GAG), asks Brandon to make him some mac and cheese, and Brandon says it's not on the menu and Curtis tells him it's not hard to make and then I fall asleep and almost electrocute myself after drooling on my laptop because I DON'T CARE.

And then Brandon deduces that Curtis is at The Pit alone again (another Beverly Hills Parent Of The Year candidate, I see!) and then Curtis is my homie because he says, "You're not a very good waiter, are you?" and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And then he's my homie even more because he sees this on Brandon's wrist as he's wiping down the counter and he's all, "Only girls wear bracelets," and oh, Curtis. You are adorable!

And Brandon, about to get all violent on a child, says, "This is a Guatemalan friendship bracelet. And it happens to be very cool, okay?" and just keep telling yourself that, Brando. And then he's all, "How come every time you come in here it takes you an hour to order?" and Curtis DOES NOT channel Bart Simpson, THANK YOU JESUS, and says, "Okay, don't have a cow. I'll take the gorilla cheese sandwich with pickles and French fries, crispy, not all greasy," and the "gorilla cheese" part didn't even bother me all that much, because Curtis is kind of a badass at putting Brandon in his place, which someone should do each and every episode. And Brandon is still a festering asshole wart and says, "I could be in Palm Springs by now." WHATEVER.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. We move on to...this: Steve being 41 and having the lamest license plate in the history of automobiles; David filming girls they pass by on the street and popping Woodrows left and right; and Kelly, Donna, and Brenda behind them, as Brenda says, "I never thought it would be like this," like, she must mean lame. She never thought it would be this lame. But when you're voluntarily hanging out with Steve SAUNders, I mean, c'mon. What do you expect?

So both cars pull into a gas station, so that Brenda can go to the bathroom and get prepared...to fuck? Or something? And Steve's all, "If you're gonna hang out you've got to at least attempt to be cool," to David, and that is just not possible Steve. Also: you look like a burn victim here. A 41-year-old burn victim. Or beef jerky. Either way, I'd put some aloe on that if I were you. And then David says, "Oh, okay, so think I should like hold off and give them like a Johnny Depp type attitude thing? I'll be right back," and KILL ME NOW. QUICKLY. AND PAINFULLY.

And then Kelly gets her Stank Bitch on and tells Steve, "I should've known never to go anywhere with you," and yes, yes you should've, Kelly. But you really have no one to blame for that but yourself. And Steve assures her that they'll have a good time, and she highly doubts that, what, with David Silver tagging along. I would say she's going to have a rotten time because of David and Steve, plus herself, but whatever. Steve looks like one of the little trashy tow-headed kids from The Bad News Bears with his hat like that. Or rather, one of the kids' fathers, because FORTY-ONE.

Speaking of trashy with a capital SKANK: David's at the vending machine...

...and this pile of NO comes out to flirt with him, wearing denim underwear and a fucking tube-top, like, she looks like a day-shift stripper. And then she tells him her name, "Tuesday," so she's obviously a day-shift stripper, probably at the finest club on the outskirts of Victorville or something. And she asks if he lives there, and he says no, he's from L.A., and Tuesday says, "L.A. sucks," and David says, "Well, actually, I live in Beverly Hills," and then they make NOT-cute and he says that Tuesday's his favorite day of the week and I don't quite make it to the toilet and barf all over my hands and keyboard. My laptop is having a very bad day.

WHY IS DAVID WEARING THAT SHIRT? WHYYYYYYYYY? OH, BECAUSE HE'S A TOAD, YOU SAY? I TOTALLY GET IT. ANYway, he goes up to Steve at the pump and says, "I acted like I couldn't care less, just like Johnny Depp, and she practically came onto me. So I invited her to the house tomorrow; she promised to bring some friends just for you," and STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO JOHNNY DEPP, DAVID. Especially early-90s Johnny Depp because YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME REALM OF THE SAME UNIVERSE OF THE SAME SOLAR SYSTEM. God.

We're back with the girls, and I don't know why Donna changed, like, she's not getting any wiener that night, but whatever. Her daisy dress and matching headband are giving me internal bleeding of the eyes, however. So Brenda's all nervous and says, "It's weird, I mean, I wanna be with Dylan and everything but part of me wants to get it over with, like I'm the last person who hasn't done it yet," and Kelly, The Worst Always And Forever, says, "Brenda, you are," and I fucking loathe Kelly, you guys. And then this was obviously before Daddy Spelling decided that the Donna character was going to be A Virgin Until Marriage (Or Until Her Loins Get The Best Of Her And She Fucks David On Their College Graduation Night Dressed As A Flapper), because she's all, "You are not! Look, Brenda, you're really gonna like it. Probably. Maybe?" and WHATEVER, DON. You're a virgin who...can drive.

And then Donna and Kelly are all assuring Brenda that Dylan's a wonderful guy and she has protection and has nothing to worry about and basically HURRAY FOR INTERCOURSE! So then everyone hugs and then Brenda's off to go get laid.

So Brenda gets to the hotel and has to deal with this haughty asshole, and she says, "I'm here to meet my...Dylan McKay. He checked in earlier," and Haughty over here haughtily looks in the computer and then haughtily asks, "Are you sure it was the Desert Palm Mirage?" and Brenda says yes, she's sure, "I think. Or was it the Palm Desert Mirage? Or the Palm Springs Desert Mirage?" and Haughty, all annoyed, asks her if she wrote it down and she looks in her purse and, "I've lost my wallet. Oh, my god," and ruh roh! I sure hope some thoroughly unattractive dude named Not Stuart finds her and saves the day!

Cut to: David's grandparents' house, where OH MY GOD THERE'S AN INTRUDER. HEAD TO THE PANIC ROOM NOW. Or, it's just some idiot mic grip holder guy who mistakenly got in the shot. And then some moron editor or continuity person or whoever chose to ignore it in post-production. Professional! ANYway, David's showing them around the house and Kelly...should've left the vest on. Nice pleats. And besides the print, Donna's outfit is actually pretty cute. I just...can't with daisies. They're very Drew Barrymore-circa 1994. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, they're just something I was never fond of. Do you care? No? Well, then, moving on.

So David's telling them all about the house like, I'm pretty certain they're just looking for a place where they can get boozed up, Big Dave, and he says, "My grandparents collect anything they can get their hands on. When I was younger I used to travel with them but my dad's mad at them for something so I don't see them much anymore," and Donna asks what Mel's mad about (probably about the fact that he, Mel, SUCKS, and blames his parents for said SUCKAGE) and David's all, "Well, my grandparents liked my mom and think it's, you know, bad he wants to divorce her; well, c'mon! I saved the best for last," and Kelly is a gigantic, unappreciative snatch (WHAT'S NEW) and says all snottily (WHAT'S NEW), "Can't wait."

But she of course changes her materialistic tune once they're outside and she sees this amazing pool that looks like it belongs at goddamn hotel. And Steve is also a completely superficial scrotum sack and says, "Dude, we are definitely styling out here in this little desert oasis. David, I always knew you had potential," and rather than clobbering Steve and Kelly with the business end of a lounge chair and then throwing them, unconscious, into the pool to drown, David says, "Thanks, Steve. But! You guys ain't seen nothin' yet. Look, if anyone gets in the mood, climb up this little terrace here to this hidden nook and nobody will bother you. Ready? Ready for this?"

And of course, because this is television, they find his grandparents, necking and about to Do The It, Geriatric-StyleZ, in the hot tub.

And David is revolted, but mostly because he caught a reflection of himself in the water and realized that he's still wearing that shirt and his hair is absolute ass.

Then we're in the Silvers' kitchen, and from their robes, you can see who David gets his atrocious clothing-tastes from. And they're regaling the kids with stories from their cruise, and how they realized mid-trip that they missed their "little house in the desert," like, MUST BE NICE TO WASTE A SHIT-TON OF MONEY LIKE THAT. WHATEVER, SILVERS. I now know why Mel is so god-awful, and by extension, David.

Oh, and of course throughout all of this, Kelly and Steve can't even show a modicum of respect for their elders. And I realize that David's grandparents are like, just a couple of years older than Steve, but still. These two are truly disgusting, soulless garbage bags of people.

Back to Whatever Hotel, and Brenda hanging up the phone with a, "I don't believe this!" And she catches the attention of...

...Not Stuart. Whose name is Tom, but we'll just keep calling him Not Stuart. And he's wearing a beastly bellhop jacket which I'm sure Donna would die for...if it was about a foot shorter, I mean. Anyway, Not Stuart comes up all, "Miss? Are you okay?"

And Brenda LAYS DOWN THE FRANTIC 4-1-1: "No. I was supposed to meet my boyfriend here, or it was somewhere that sounded like here, but I lost the right address, well, I lost my wallet, I lost my friends, and every single name of every single stupid hotel in this stupid town sounds exactly alike, they either start with Palms, Desert, or Mirage. I mean, how is anybody supposed to find anybody?" and Not Stuart suggests calling home, which of course Brenda can't do, and then Not Stuart thinks he's Slick Rick (not Paris Rick) or something and says, "I live right around the corner. You could stay with me. I get off at midnight. My name's Not Stuart," except for not that last part. And NO BRENDA NO. Some fucking gap-toothed mongoloid with bad hair and buttocks for a chin offers up his place for you to stay when you met him exactly one minute ago? GET BENT, NOT STUART. YOU ARE EITHER A LOSER OR A RAPIST, SO BYE-BYE. Until Season 4 when you're really boring and I hate you almost as much as I do right now.

Back at to this dump: Curtis lays some Real Talk down on Brandon all, "They're a little greasy, to be honest with you," and Curtis? Can I adopt you?

And then unfortunately, Grandma Zuck, wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK, comes in for her nightly prune juice and Ritz cracker. And OF COURSE AHHHHHHHHNdrea wasn't invited to Palm Springs BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY. But she OF COURSE tries to act like she's above it, OF COURSE, and says, "I thought I'd cheer you up since you didn't get to follow the mindless masses to Palm Springs," OF COURSE. YOU'RE JUST SO MUCH BETTER AND MORE INTELLIGENT THAN EVERYONE, AHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA. And then Brandon is just beyond a fucking cretin and says, "Ever get the feeling that the entire world is flying in first class and you're stuck with a folding chair in the baggage compartment?" and that is just so, so stupid, Stupid Brandon. GO DIE. And AHHHHHHHHNdrea says she hasn't. WHATEVER. I HATE THEM BOTH.

And then Brandon introduces Curtis to AHHHHHHHNdrea all, "Hey, this is Curtis, the hang out king of Beverly Hills," and Curtis says it's a free country and then Brandon LITERALLY PETS CURTIS' HEAD, WEIRD, and says, "Hey, hey, hey relax, sport. No one said you couldn't. Does your mom know how much time you spend here?" And Curtis says, "She's the one who brung me. I told her the food's not that good," and I will let the "brung me" part go, in the hopes that Curtis will call CPS on Brandon and his child molester hair petting and all.

And then Brandon leaves to actually fucking get to work for once in his goddamn life, and Curtis asks AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "Is he your boyfriend?" and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, crushed yet again at having to admit to not being Brandon's One And Only, says, "No. Uhhh, we're just friends."

And then Curtis asks if she gave Brandon his ugly Guatemalan girly-man bracelet, and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea says no again, and Curtis is PURE AMAZINGNESS and says, "Why aren't you wearing one? No friends, huh?" and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And of course AHHHHHHHHHNdrea gets in a snit and is all, "I have friends. I've got lots of friends," but of course Curtis and I know better.

And then we're at some hotel...which looks like a cabana or some shit, and Dylan's dressed as such, and he's calling The Pit to talk to Brandon, and asking if he knows where Brenda is.

AND HERE WE GO Brandon tells Dylan that she's with Kelly and Donna, and Dylan says that they were supposed to drop Brenda off at his hotel and butt-munch Brandon, jealous of Dylan or Brenda or both, says, "To stay with you?" and Dylan confesses yes, to stay with him, and Brandon gets ALL SHITTY and says, "Maybe she changed her mind," and then THIS GEM: "Oh, you know how she is with Kelly and Donna. All they were talking about was all the guys they were gonna be scamming," like, Brandon? SHUT THE FUCK UP AND THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF. THE END. Why Dylan even called Brandon looking for Brenda, after the whole nightmare "Isn't It Romantic?" escapade, with Brandon acting like a completely inappropriate heap of gutter-sewage, is beyond me. I mean...THOUGHTS X 17 MILLION I HATE BRANDONS.

So then Dylan is really starting to look like the Dylan We Will Come To Know And Love here, and he says, "Look, um, I'm at the Desert Mirage, so tell her I called if you talk to her?" and I'm surprised he even trusts gargoyle Brandon to give her the message.

As he hangs up with Brandon, he sees these two girls checking him out (WHO WOULDN'T) and the girl on the left says, "Remember me?" and she looks like every popular girl in my elementary school looked, i.e. not me.

And Dylan, MR. EXPERIENCED DON'T YOU KNOW, smiles all slyly and says, "Janie? Yeah...," which basically translates to, "Will you relieve the tension in my ball sack with your mouth?" And even though he's TOTES acting like he's going to cheat on Brenda with Janie Rando, I really like Dylan's shirt here. Very Ace from Stand By Me.

OH GACK. So THANKGODFULLY, Brenda denied Not Stuart's advances and he sets her up in the maid's closet at Whatever Hotel. And he's all, "Brenda, are you sure you'll be okay in here? I feel awful leaving you like this," and Brenda says, "No, this is great. It's so sweet of you to have gone to all this trouble," and WHATEVER, BRENDA. And then he tries to get into her pants again all, "Why don't you just come stay with me? I'll sleep on the floor," and Brenda rejects him once more but he gives her his number just in case and THE END. NO MORE OF THIS GUY. Well, no more Not Stuart. We'll have to deal with Actual Stuart in a few seasons. And BE BORED OUT OF OUR MINDS IN THE PROCESS.

SWEET JESUS IS IT STILL THE SAME DAY? It feels like they could've fit FIVE days into just this ONE day. WHATEVER. Anyway, Grandma S. shows the girls to their room, and when she leaves them, Kelly, who is superficial and boy-crazy and a thousand other awful, awful things, says, "Donna, did you hear her? She said she was gonna invite all the cute guys from the neighborhood over to the pool tomorrow!" and now she loves the Silvers and would probably go down on David if it meant getting to hang by their pool for another day. In conclusion: KELLY KICKS ROCKS.

And thank goodness for tacky, dated-looking railing, because otherwise, you'd have a nice shot of Donna's fallopian tubes right about now. And she tells Kelly that Steve isn't going to like that other guys are there, and Kelly joins me in saying, "Oh, who cares?" and it's not because I like Kelly or anything, but because Steve is just a heinous mound of pubic lice. And then Kelly thinks about someone else for a change and says, "I wonder how Brenda's doing?" and Donna, almost letting us upskirt for a gynecological exam, mockingly says, "Oh, Dylan, what beautiful eyes you have!" and it was actually pretty cute. Minus her clitoris being in the way, of course.

And then we cut to Brenda NOT having a good time, in the broom closet. And then she sneezes due to the feather duster being right next to her head and CAN WE MOVE IT ALONG MY GOD I CAN ACTUALLY SEE MY FINGERNAILS GROWING HERE.

And then Mrs. Roper and some porn producer from The Valley discuss spending a ton of time with David during his visit, like, why would anyone want to do that? Their reasoning is that he's still upset about the divorce (which, I don't think Mel and Sheila are actually divorced yet, nor will they be for some time, and I AM AN ENORMOUS GEEK) and blah blah David's actually just a really shitty grandson you birdbrains blah, they vow to essentially smother him with their annoying love and affection all weekend long. And did I mention NO ONE CARES.

Can I also just mention that the scenes between these two make me want to do ALL the opiates in ALL the world? ANYway, David's all like, "I am lame. I suck. It'll be better tomorrow. I should really fling myself down these stairs and call it a fucking life because I am a grody twerp with cat food for brains," and Steve's like, "I, too, am a complete waste of everything. And unfortunately, tomorrow, I will pull out my I love Kelly tripe that I will go on and on and on about for like, centuries to come. Truly, I am a selfish gnome who should also fling myself down these stairs and call it a fucking life." And then Steve and David kill themselves. Fin. FOREVER. Only not.

The next morning: It's Wacky Maid High Jinks as Brenda wakes up...

...and this hausfrau pops in. And Brenda says, "Hi. I mean, good morning." WHATEVER.

House Of Walsh: Cindy, wearing Probably Terrible Pants, talks to Brenda on the phone, while Jim just sits around, looking the same as always and probably running nerdlinger accounting calculations in his head. WHATEVER, JAY SHERMAN. So Brenda lies, all, "Everything's wonderful. Just great. Um, look, I was just checking in because I know how much you worry," and Cindy is a dunce and says, "I thought you might be homesick," which, no. She's away from both Jim and Brandon. No one's getting homesick when they're away from those two overflowing anal glands.

So then Brenda wants to talk to Brandon and then FREAKS OUT on him: "Brandon, do you know where Dylan is? Look, I was supposed to meet him here and I went to the wrong hotel, I lost my wallet, I have no idea how to get a hold of Kelly and Donna, I had to sleep in a broom closet, and if you tell Mom and Dad I will kill you!" Shannen Doherty's really very good at portraying pure panic.

And then Brandon's all, "Oh my god!" and Jim and Cindy look up, and Brandon covers with, "She's having a great time." So then he gets all whispery and totally obvious and tells Brenda that Dylan's staying at some Desert Mirage Hotel, and that Kelly and Donna are at David's grandparents' house, "Henry Silver; Steve says it's the only one in the book," and why the fuck was Steve looking in the goddamn White Pages for Henry Silver's name and address anyway? WHATEVE...oh, fucking forget it. And then Brandon's a nosy prick and asks, "Where are you gonna be?" and Brenda is basically like, DUUUUH, and says, "Where do you think?"

OH RETCH. David looks like this and answers the door for...

...Tuesday, who is like, Trailer Park Princess WHAT THE FUCK and her "Goth" "Punk" Friends, or whatever they're supposed to be that the writers were so desperately trying to convey. Also: Tuesday played the chick, Joanna, from Saved By The Bell who Zack and Slater come to blows over at the beginning of their senior year.



See? And her bangs in this screenshot suggest otherwise, but she was waaaaaaaaay less low-classy on SBTB than on 90210. And these two shows really fucking passed around the guest "stars," didn't they?

And then Steve comes to the door and "Goth" "Punk" Friend #1 says, "Nice wheels, man," and "Goth" "Punk" Friend #2 says, "Aces." Because this is what people who aren't Arthur Fonzarelli talk like. Anyway, Steve and his mullet are having NONE OF IT.

Back to this. Whatever. I don't care anymore. Brenda shows up at the Desert Mirage Palms Inn Super 8 and finds Dylan, looking handsome in a plain white t-shirt. MEMO TO STEVE AND DAVID: IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE STYLISH IN A NON-SEIZURE-INDUCING KALEIDOSCOPE BUTTON-UP DEFORMITY, YOU FOOLS.

They hug all adorably, but then Brenda sees...

Janie Rando. Wearing a sports bra. And jeans that also double as vomit.

And then: THE DRAMZZZZZZZ. And Dylan looks way-dreamy right here. But whatever. Brenda asks if she spent the night, and Dylan is really, really bad at this and says, "You were supposed to be here at six," and then I don't think he's hot anymore (that's a lie) and my head explodes and Brenda and I both shriek in unison, "Oh, so you just picked up on somebody else?" I mean, SERIOUSLY DYLAN.

And Brenda is PISSED, Y'ALL. And she says she knew she couldn't trust him, and he's all, "It's not how it looks," like, maybe you should fucking explain it then, instead of saying things like, "You were supposed to be here at six," which just implies that you are in fact a dirty-dog philanderer.

And then Janie Rando comes up and asks, "Dylan, should I come back later?" and Brenda's all, "No, you stay, I'll leave," and then to Dylan she says, "I never wanna see you again," and it was almost as awesome as the infamous "Look, I hate you both, never talk to me again" blast she hits Dylan and Kelly with in Season 3, but not quite. Anyway, she stomps off and Dylan continues to deny anything happened. Meanwhile, Janie Rando's outfit looks like a pile of gerbil diarrhea.

Horrible screenshot, but Brenda goes down to the lobby and gets her FUCKING PSYCHO ON, and starts ranting and raving, TO HERSELF, "C'mon, Brenda. I've been totally faithful for months, HA! Bogus! You know, there are plenty of guys who are interested in me, plenty. I have been so blind, uuuuufff! Okay," and WOWZA.

So she huffs back up to Dylan's suite and asks Janie Rando where he's at, and Janie Rando becomes a little condescending twat and says, "Listen, I'm Janie Rando. Brenda, I'm really glad you came back so we can all discuss this like mature individuals," and why Brenda didn't curb check Janie Rando's mouth on the edge of that table there is beyond me.

But because Brenda is SUCH A BADASS, she takes Janie Rando's purse and throws it into the hall and slams the door in her Stupid Janie Rando Face. I mean, look at the incredible hair flip she's executing in this shot! Janie Rando didn't stand a chance.

So Dylan, doing his smirky little squint thing, like, IT WON'T WORK DYLAN (yes it will), comes out of the bathroom, and Brenda tells him that Janie Rando had to leave and did he sleep with her? "No, I didn't." And Brenda asks, "Then what was she doing here?" and Dylan says, "She grew up across the street from me," and Brenda's all, "And you wanted to sleep with her, right?" and Dylan sticks his foot right in it and says, "Well, yes. In a theoretical kind of a thing," and that is just so...GACK. So Brenda's all, "I can't believe this," and Dylan says, "What do you want me to do? Lie about it? Wanting and doing are two different things," and obviously, men and women look at other men and women who are not their partners, but no, you don't want to hear about it. I...wouldn't want to hear my boyfriend talking about it. EVER.

And then Brenda continues to lose her grasp on reality and says, "Alright, then. You're right. Then let's just do it. Let's do it and get it over with. I mean, I'm a normal female, you're a normal male, you have needs, I have needs, let's do it and get it over with," and...I don't think this is the way you actually want to do it, Bren.

And Dylan, ALLLLLLL kinds of swoony here, is kind of in shock and then Brenda gives us the funniest line of the episode and says, "Dylan, stop talking and take off your clothes." And no, I don't want Dylan to take off his clothes, and my reasons are twofold: 1. This is my elementary-into-middle-school crush. I NEVER thought about him in a Naked Way, because boys mostly have cooties and are gross; and 2. Luke Perry is reeeeeeeeeeeally skinny. I like his face and the way he wears his clothes (most of them; not the Screech mutation from the previous episode) but I doubt I would favor the way he wears his...nudity. I...can't with this anymore. MOVING ALONG.

The Pit. Can I just say that while I consider Curtis my home-slice, he REALLY NEEDS TO CLOSE HIS FUCKING MOUTH? For real, he's catching flies in there. Anyway, Brandon's counting money, and Curtis is staring like...that, and if you can't see what's coming you really need to smarten up on Television And All Its Cliches. And Curtis says that the pie at the Apple Pan is better, which, given the decor of The Peach Pit, I don't doubt it. And then he asks if Brandon works the following day, and Brandon's all, "I got dinner tonight and another double tomorrow, yeah," and poor, poor Brandon, everyone. He should get a medal or a plaque or something. And Curtis is all, "Uh oh, another bad mood. I probably won't be around," and that he has "stuff to do; you know how it is," and Brandon calls him "mysterious," and then Curtis is Audi 5000. But he'll be back. Don't worry. He'll be back.

Back at the Palm Springs Compound: Steve is being hit on by one of the "Goth" "Punk" Friends, and really, Steve should take what he can get.

And Kelly and Donna are being hit on by Totally 90s Dudes. Like, if there was a poster child for the 90s, this guy talking to Kelly would be it. Whatever. I am so tired.

Oh, and then one of "Goth" "Punk" Friends shows Steve her thigh tattoo, and he is not impressed, and he should be really not impressed with his wiggish hair and not-at-all-16 fuzzy chest.

And David is hitting on Tuesday, who actually looks relatively cute and non-trashy here, and then...

...his Sassy Senior grandparents come out with drinks, dancing to "Tequila" and I hope that one of those glasses has a whole lotta tequila in it, because I really need something to shotgun after having been subjected to these irritating fossils shimmy their way down the patio stairs while a bunch of teenagers clap and cheer and basically encourage this type of frightening behavior. GO AWAY OLD PERSONS.

SERIOUSLY.

So David approaches them, and HOLD THE PHONE. Does that design on his shorts that's placed ever so strategically over his wang not look suspiciously like AN ACTUAL WANG? I mean, FUCKING SICK. So anyway, the grandparents are all, "We just wanna spend time with you," and David's all, "Back off, you needy, suffocating freaks."

Speaking of freaks: Steve paddles his way over to Kelly, hanging out on the edge of the pool. And then him and HIS VERY OBVIOUS RAT'S ASS WIG say, "You know, there's room on this raft for two," and Kelly tells him to ask one of his "Goth" "Punk" Friends and that they look interested, and Steve is all, "Yeah, it wasn't too long ago that you were interested, Kelly...can you imagine what it would be like if we were still going out? You know Kelly, we were the best relationship I've ever had," and then Kelly has to be airlifted to a hospital because she upchucked so much at just the thought of dating Steve again. And she says, "I was the only relationship you ever had," and Steve says that means he's loyal, and can we just cut the crap??? Steve wants to fuck Kelly again. What a shock. He fucked her a few episodes ago anyway, and NO ONE CARED. And no one will continue to care over the course of INFINITY when Steve continues to proclaim his love for Kelly, over and over and over and over and over.

And then in an odd/cute moment, Donna gets up the courage to approach one of the "Goth" "Punk" Friends and says, "I love your top; would you consider a trade?" And that would just be really foul, because of boob perspiration, etc...but whatever.

So then David's lubing up Tuesday with some sunscreen, and probably popping NEVER-ENDING boners over it, and telling her to protect herself, and I would venture to say that the thing she needs to protect herself most from is you, you massive fucking goon. ANYway, Grandma S. comes out and tells David that more of his friends just arrived at the house. I'm going to take a nap.

ALL REFRESHED. Only not because I am BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. So David's "friends," Dylan and Brenda show up, and sadly, Dylan is wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK and I wish someone had a lit match at this moment to throw at Dylan's neck because STOP IT. David comes up and tries to act all "down" with Dylan, like, "Dylan, man, what's up? I would've invited you if I had known you were gonna be in town," like, yes, you would've invited Cool Guy Dylan but not your lifelong friend Scott. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE MY GOD.

And then these two decide to make a scene in front of total strangers, and Brenda's bangs look really greasy and flat and not at all good, and Dylan says, "Brenda, is there someplace we can um, talk? Privately?" and Brenda's all, "I don't wanna talk to you. Look, just go. You dropped me off, you did your duty, now thank you," and Dylan tells her she's not being fair and Brenda STILL SHOWING BAD FORM says, "Fair? I made a fool out of myself, and you turn me down, now that wasn't fair," and Dylan continues to be a boor all, "I didn't turn you down. I just, I don't want to be pressured into it," and Brenda says, "Well, now you know how it feels, don't you?" and MY GOD TAKE IT TO THE STREET OR THE CAR OR MAYBE ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE HOUSE THAT ISN'T IN FRONT OF OLD PEOPLE AND COMPLETE STRANGERS.

So then these dipshits swoop in and ask what's wrong, and Brenda says, "Everything," and Kelly's probably really glad about it and starts making plans to suck Dylan into her g-spot. And then they whisk Brenda away to go gripe about Dylan. And his objectionable FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK. I mean, I assume.

And then Dylan's wearing...I can't even say it. I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT. WHY DYLAN WHY? So Dylan says, "It was very nice to meet you, really," and apparently takes a page out of Melissa Coolidge's Guide To Being An Embarrassing Albatross With Near Perfect Strangers and wanders into the Silvers' living room. Like, THE DOOR IS THATAWAY, SCREECH.

AND THEN STEVE IS WEARING NO SHORTS. NO SHORTS. Only I guess he is but they're tee-tiny and obscene and improper and not at all suitable for human viewing, so he really needs to change. STAT. And he walks by Tuesday and she's all, "My friends really dig you," and I also just noticed that Steve is wearing the same shirt he's worn FOR FOREVER.

So for some reason, Dylan's slipped his Ray Bans back on, and Steve greets him and asks, "Buddy! How's it goin'?" and Dylan says, "Don't ask," and Steve takes this to mean girl trouble so he's all, "Yeah, tell me about it. I'll tell you what: I'll call the swat team, you call the dog catcher [WHAT THE WHAT???], alright? What's with these girls? They want sex, they don't want sex; they like you, they hate you," and Steve? I would say with you, they never want sex and they always hate you. Moving on.

And then it's apparently time for some Lady Bashin', because Dylan chimes in with, "Yeah, they see with another girl, they think you're sleepin' with her. Even if you're not," and Grandpa Buttinski comes up and asks if he can get them anything, and Steve says, "Yeah, some place to hide," and yes, I would like that as well, Steve, since the squirrel pelt atop your head is giving me the shakes. And then Dylan's all, "A little understanding would be nice," and Grandpa S. says, "Look, I'm gonna make you a nice lunch, things will settle down, we're gonna have fun, you'll see," and STOP TRYING TO FIT IN YOU OLD COOT.

LORD. Let's do this: the elder Silvers are going to make lunch; David says they'll go into town later and get something; Silvers mention a water slide; David says, "I'd really appreciate it if you guys didn't come along. I wanna be with my friends today," and then Grandpa Silver is all, "But David, all of your friends like us," and David says they're just being polite.

And then these human jalopies get these looks on, and it's actually pretty depressing. And then Grandma Silver is all, "As opposed to being rude? You're the one who doesn't like us, isn't that right, David?" and then they basically tell David to go fuck himself. Only not.

So then we're...back in the kitchen? At some later point? And Kelly, Brenda, Donna, and Interloper Tuesday are listening as David's grandma prattles on about, "One time I thought Henry was fooling around, with this bimbo in his office. All the signs were there, I thought. Did I say one word? Isn't it funny, how communication goes right out the window when you're scared, hurt," and this is so, so dumb.

And then David comes to the door and motions for Tuesday to join him. Because he's apparently still horny after breaking his grandparents' hearts.

UGH. So OF COURSE, in the living room, Grandpa Silver's babbling on and on, all, "Before we got married, Adele broke up with me seven different times. I mean, that was our solution to every problem. Run for the hills. Being able to trust somebody, with your feelings, that's the hardest thing. That and letting the other person be who they are versus who you want them to be," and you guys? The Grandparents Silver are so, so wise.

So David and Tuesday, still wearing denim diapers, head upstairs, and David locks the door all Date Rape StyleZ, but he tells her, "So no one will bother us...uh, you know, earlier today I really wanted to lick your shoulder at the pool," and now would be right about the time that Tuesday should knee David in his non-existence gonads and get the fuck out of there. "Lick your shoulder"? I may need therapy after just typing those words.

ICK. And, EEEEK. I blackout from all the throwing up I've done over the course of this episode, and when I come to, these two messes are STILL OPEN-MOUTHED KISSING LOOOOOOOOOK MY GOD, and I feel really sorry for the birds in the room because they are now obviously blind and suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after being forced to watch...this.

And then, THANK FUCKING CHRIST, Tuesday puts a stop to the macking and says that she can't do it, all, "I thought you were sweet," and David says he is sweet, and NO YOU ARE NOT, DAVID. ASK SCOTT. And Tuesday continues to cry and says, "You don't understand: I miss my boyfriend and he blew me off and you kind of look like him, except he's better-looking. And taller! All my friends said I should go for it with you and forget about him, but it is not working," and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I feel you, Dylan. I feel you. So now apparently EVERYONE has come together to listen to the Old Timers wax romantical about...whatever. NO ONE CARES. And then David probably develops a new-found respect for his grandparents, but I don't notice because I am currently shooting up heroin in order to escape the overwhelming banality of this wretched story line.

Back at The Peach Pit (after dark! Get it? AHAHAHAHAHA! No? WHATEVER.) Brandon's all done and acting all put-upon as he closes up shop.

And OF COURSE Curtis has been waiting in the bathroom...

...all prepped to get his thieving on.

And then OH GEE IMAGINE THAT Brandon forgot something inside...

...and he walks back in the restaurant, wearing jeans that have his cock-and-balls in a headlock...

...and sees THIS! OH MY GOD, I DID NOT...you know what, never mind. Everyone saw this coming and if you didn't you're stupid and I hate you.

So Brandon goes to rough Curtis up, all, "What are you doing? You trying to rip me off?" and Curtis, whose hair is just like, the ultimate in fucking god-awful, asks, "Are you gonna turn me in?" and Brandon says that he's actually going to call Curtis' parents, and Curtis is all Sad Clown and says, "We don't have a phone," and Brandon, still doubtful, says, "Don't lie to me! What's the matter with you? Are you one of those little brats who gets a kick out of stealing from people who try to be nice to you? What's your phone number, Curtis?"

And then this "Adorable" Moppet tells Brandon his Story Of Despair: "We don't have one...anymore. My mom and brother and me don't have a place to live right now. People give us spare change so they don't have to feel weird [HUH?]. Then I saw the money you had in the cash register so I unlocked the window in the bathroom when I was here this afternoon." And Brandon says that he won't tell anyone (um, maybe he should at least tell someone at like, a shelter or something?) and Curtis says, "I don't want nobody to know I don't have a house," and I'm kind of thinking that maybe Curtis isn't in school anymore, either, given the way he mangles the English language. Whatever. So Brandon offers to make some food for him and his family, and everything is great again, JUST LIKE THAT.

Later still, Curtis is eating and says, "This is good," and Brandon's all, "Well, so now you're full of compliments. Hey, listen. Here's the food. Take it to your mom, tell her to come in, maybe we can help or something. And you promise me you're not gonna steal anymore?" and Curtis says, "I wasn't any good at it, anyway," and this kid has shown more self-awareness in this one episode than any of the other characters EVER will.

And then Brandon tells Curtis to stick out his wrist, and he puts his tacky-ass friendship bracelet on it. Poor Curtis.

Also? The Close-Up? She is not Curtis' friend. And then he leaves, and Brandon offers to go with him, and Curtis says he'll be fine, and he's apparently not because we never see this little rugrat again. I will kind of miss all of his verbal smackdowns on Brandon. And I kind of wish that he had framed Brandon for the money-stealing and then Nat fired Brandon. But whatever.

GAH. So everything is just dandy in Palm Springs, and all of these idiots are playing charades.

And Dylan is really not good at it, but Grandpa Silver ends up guessing the movie (Pretty Woman) after Dylan keeps pointing at Brenda. And Dylan does this and minus his previous dickish behavior and vile FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK, he is beyond adorable.

And Kelly and Donna think so, too. And Donna really loves a headband, doesn't she? And Kelly is obviously super-pissed that Dylan and Brenda made-up, right? Right.

And then everyone goes to get more ice cream minus these two albinos, and Steve asks, "Have you given any thought to what we were talking about before?" and Kelly says that she has, and Steve says, "You know, I thought what David's grandparents said earlier was really true. If you communicate your feelings and be honest and just try and be yourself, then things can work out," and Kelly agrees completely, and then Steve asks, AGAIN, "Do you want to go out again, Kelly?" and Kelly is all, "No," and then for some reason kisses him on the cheek instead of like, elbowing him in the wig.

And then these three make-up. THE END. But actually, David tells them that his friends think they're great, and that he was the last one to realize how lucky he is to have them, and then he ACTUALLY REMEMBERS SCOTT I KNOW and says, "My best friend is Scott. He probably just got back from Magic Mountain. You know, I gotta call him and see how he's doing. You know, he's never been to Palm Springs. Maybe I should see if he wants to come down here next weekend. Wouldn't that be great? We can do this all over again," and OH THE WACKINESS SHE IS WACKY the grandparents are basically like, "GO AWAY DAVID."

YUP. And also: nice Cosby sweater, geezer.

Out back, Dylan and Brenda are being cute and Brenda says, "I'd love to have a house like this," and Dylan says, "Then you'd have David Silver for a grandson," and THAT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU IMBECILE. And Brenda asks him if he could imagine them with grandchildren, and Dylan says, "You mean like, married with children, and grandchildren?" and Brenda is rad and shouts-out Shannen Doherty's Little House On The Prairie days and says, "Yes, Pa."

AND THEN I TAKE CHEESE GRATER AND RUB IT ACROSS MY THROAT A BUNCH OF TIMES because Dylan, attempting to channel John Wayne, NO SERIOUSLY, says, "Well, hey, little lady we'll take it one step at a time," AND THEN JOHN WAYNE PIROUETTED IN HIS GRAVE AND I NO LONGER LOVE DYLAN. THAT IS ALL.

And then Brenda asks, "You didn't kiss her, did you?" and Dylan gets all kinds of annoyed, and Brenda says, "Well, I mean it's not like I haven't had opportunities," and Dylan asks when, and Brenda throws it back in Dylan's face all, "What does it matter? Wanting and doing are two different things, remember? That's what you told me when I caught you with what's-her-name," and Dylan reminds her that it was "Janie Rando" and says that it was different, and Brenda responds with, "Well his name was Not Stuart and that was totally different," and then Dylan mocks the name "Not Stuart" and Brenda playfully tells him to stop, and then he says, "What? No, Janie Rando. Brenda! I'm sorry," and as long as Dylan NEVER does a John Wayne impersonation EVER again, he is back to being a dreamboat.

So Brandon arrives home after work and dealing with Curtis, and Jim and Cindy, Plaid Twinsies, are watching a news report about the big Palm Springs Presidents' Day Weekend Extravaganza (like, is this a real thing, I wonder?) and Cindy says, "Oh, hi honey. Wanna watch a movie with us?"

And Brandon, with just sickening hair says, "Oh, no thanks. I'm pretty zoned. Looks like a zoo down there," meaning Palm Springs. And Cindy plays into Brandon's martyrdom and says, "Listen Brandon, we know this hasn't been exactly a fun-filled weekend for you." And then Jim SERIOUSLY SAYS, "Yeah, but we know how hard you're working and if your heart is truly set on getting a new car we probably can help you out a little bit," and WHATWHATWHAT??? I just...NO...and...NOOOOOOoooo. Great FUCKING PARENTING JAY SHERMAN. He's basically telling this shit-bag "prince" that he can drink and drive and wreck his car and practically MURDER someone, but hey! It's okay! Because his parents will always be there to bail him out! I HATE JIM. I HATE BRANDON. I HATE THIS SHOW.

ANYWAY, Brandon MIRACULOUSLY declines Jim's proposal and says, "It's alright. I can definitely get by with an old bomber like Mondale for a while," and Jim's all, "I thought you said Mondale as a piece of junk?" and Brandon, having learned so much from Homeless Curtis Who We Will Never See Again I Hope He Wasn't Kidnapped Right Outside The Peach Pit, says, "I loved Mondale. I'm a lucky guy, you know? Love you guys. Night." And then of course Jim and Cindy think their son is an even bigger prince of a guy and I have to head to the hospital now because I started barfing again and need an IV-drip to go on. GOODBYE TO THIS EPISODE FOREVER.


See you next time for "Fame Is Where You Find It", YET ANOTHER Brandon-y episode that might just put me over the edge in terms of sanity and destroy any hope I have of leading a normal and happy existence. Also not helping: Brenda will become "Laverne" and lead a singalong at The Peach Pit YES SERIOUSLY and I will in turn become a bitter, detached shell of my once vibrant self. I CAN'T WAIT.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.