Season 1; Ep. 17 - Stand (Up) And Deliver: A Lot Of Things Would Be More Enjoyable Than Watching This One. Things Like Rabies. Or Being Scalped. Or Death.

In which the author of this blog seriously contemplates elective insulin shock therapy, just to avoid having to write about Brandon running for Junior class president. In March. Of his Junior year. Also to be dodged: delving into the reasons behind Brenda's sudden status as an outcast, which ultimately leads her to associating with two supremely self-important windbags (no, not Brandon or Steve) who fancy themselves "funny" and "relevant," but who I find rather "annoying" and "the predominant reasons behind my ultimate psychological demise." You'll most likely want to beat up your television set after this one, so gather your boxing gloves, a couple of jugs of off-brand wine, and what's left of your common sense (I mean, you are willingly watching the show and reading this rant-soaked blog) and let's set this night to hatred.

We start out with...two boring losers. Brandon? Please stop wearing shirts that look like you've washed them fifty-seven times and now they're faded pieces of shit and you can't afford new ones. Or just buy yourself some goddamn Cheer Colorguard. AHHHHHHHNdrea? Stop wearing...that. ALLLLLL OF THAT. ANYway, AHHHHHHHHNdrea tracks Brandon down in the hall (which probably wasn't hard, considering she most likely stalks him all the live long day) saying, "Hey, yo, Ace! Wait up," and I'm assuming that Tony Micelli got his hands on the script again. And Brandon's all, "Oh, you've got a determined look on your face," and AHHHHHHHNdrea replies, "Nope. What I've got is a proposition."

And because Brandon is emotionally manipulative and a gigantic horndog, he slings his arm around AHHHHHHHHNdrea's shoulders all, "Well, your desk or mine, huh?" and I don't have to tell you that I immediately shotgunned a bottle of apple cider vinegar and a box of baking soda after hearing that inhumanity escape Brandon's facehole. But AHHHHHHHNdrea totally gets off on it and probably thinks it's actually going to happen HURL and then creams her Granny Panties as she says, "Look, it came to me in the middle of the night like a vision," and hands him this:

WOW, what an attention-grabbing flyer! How could you not RUN FOR OFFICE after seeing this thing? ANYhow, Brandon says, "Run for office? No one even knows me here." He forgot to mention that he's also a condescending dickbag most of the time, so people probably wouldn't want to vote for him anyway. Good thing I was around to remind everyone.

Also: I'm only going to mention this once (even though I kind of already have), because it really bugs the shit out of me but UM, I HOPE THIS IS FOR THE NEXT SCHOOL YEAR BUT IT TOTALLY ISN'T BECAUSE YOU'LL SEE LATER THAT BRANDON'S IDIOTIC CAMPAIGN POSTERS HAVE "JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT" EMBLAZONED ON THEM AND DAVID REFERS TO BRANDON AS AN ENTRY IN THE "JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION" AND THIS IS WHAT, MARCH AND THAT MAKES NO SENSE. BECAUSE BRANDON IS CURRENTLY A JUNIOR. UNLESS THE WRITERS HAD ALREADY DECIDED THAT THIS WAS ACTUALLY THEIR SOPHOMORE YEAR AND DIDN'T MENTION IT TO THE VIEWING AUDIENCE.WHY DON'T I HAVE A LIFE? BECAUSE THIS KIND OF STUFF KEEPS ME AWAKE AT NIGHT. Moving on.

But AHHHHHHHHNdrea, who really needs to go back to the drawing board in terms of hair, clothing, eyeglasses, and demeanor, says, "Yeah, but that's perfect. No one knows you well enough to hate you," and I would like to interject here and say I KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH TO HATE HIM. ME. RIGHT HERE. And then Brandon is all, "Have a nice day, AHHHHHHHNdrea," and AHHHHHHHHNdrea's got a case of the sads because she thought he was serious about bumping uglies in the Blaze office. And she says, "Brandon, please. The candidate I was backing chickened out; there is no reason we have to let the popular airheads [read: Anyone Who isn't Deep And Profound Because They Live Out Of The District, i.e. AHHHHHHHHNdrea] run the student government. Now are you a candidate, or a coward?" And I'd say "coward" because he's a huge pansy about most things, but whatever.

Cut to: this troika, coming down the stairs, and Donna and Brenda wearing horror-show jean shorts, and Kelly wearing another really cute dress, like, this is two episodes in row. But I know it won't last. And Brenda apparently fell asleep in their previous class because Kelly says, "Well, at least you weren't snoring in class," and Brenda's all, "I don't know what's wrong with me," and Donna suggests that Brenda has mono, and Brenda calls Donna "Dr. Donna", and explains that it's only happening in school.

And then Dylan, looking...okay? here, except for the fact he's wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK, takes Brenda aside to tell her, "I can't take you to The Fallout Club this weekend. I have to fly down to Mexico City and see the old man for a few days," and that's just TERRIFIC that On-The-Lam Garbage Dad Jack McKay makes his son fly to another country to visit his fugitive ass. Except for the exact opposite of "terrific." 

So Brenda, whose hair looks pretty adorable with the ends kind of curled up, is all, "The old meeting dad excuse," and then, "Take me with you," and no, Brenda. I told you, your Tedious Mexico Saga Where Jim's A Completely Unreasonable And Hypocritical Pile Of Excrement happens next season, not this season. So Dylan says, "Yeah, right. Me, you, Dad, mm-mm," and Brenda says that, much like me, she's "so bored here," and Dylan says, "Poor baby. Well, look, you can go to the club and use my name, they'll let you in," and the fact that Dylan hangs out at this hackneyed Fallout Club totally makes me rethink my love and affection for him (no it doesn't). 

Then we have Loserville, Population: David, Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott, Brandon, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, and Steve, who's 41-year-old lace front is peeking around Scottie's head there. And David's all TV Announcer (FOR WHO? Like, I don't think West Bev has its own television station now) and says, "Yo, politicos, last minute dark horse entry into the junior class presidential elections, Brandon Walsh, the new kid on the West Beverly block," and would you like to see what I wrote in my notes (for real, in ALL CAPS) about this scene a few months back when I was originally transcribing it? No? Well, tough luck, here it is:

***OKAY. I DON'T KNOW IF THE WRITERS HAD DECIDED AT THIS POINT THAT THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER TWO YEARS IN SCHOOL (FOLLOWING THIS SEASON), WHICH WOULD MAKE THE GANG (MINUS DAVID AND SCOTTIE, OBVS) SOPHOMORES AT THIS POINT. BECAUSE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON, IT WAS ESTABLISHED THAT THEY WERE ALL JUNIORS. SOOOOO, IF THE WRITERS, ETC. HADN'T DECIDED AT THIS POINT THAT THE CHARACTERS WERE A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ORIGINALLY DEPICTED, THEY'RE FUCKING STUPID AND FUCK I HATE THIS SHOW.***

So basically, my excessive rage has staying power. Moving right along.

  

So for some reason, Brenda cares and says, "The sister is always the last to know," and I Hate Kelly is all, "He kinda looks like a politician. He's got that Kennedy hair," and I really hope that Brandon Mary Jo Kopechnes your ass right off of the Santa Monica Pier, you stupid bitch. And then unfortunately Dylan Tony Micellis after Brandon all, "Yo, Prez!" and then I started gathering pillowcases to use for a makeshift noose. And then, LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH, Kelly says, "It's like...a magnet," and Brenda asks what, and DIE KELLY replies, "Power," and OH MY FUCKING GOOD GOD. YES, BECAUSE A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT WOULD HAVE SOOOOO MUCH POWER. Kelly, I hate your dress now because your personality ruins EVERYTHING.

Cut to later that night, and Kelly's gross jacket is a better match for her aforementioned gross personality. And Brenda says, "I can't believe you guys didn't just honk," and Kelly's all wet and says, "Uh, we wanted to congratulate Brandon," like, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? 

And then Donna saunters past with her Standard Donna Flip and says, "Hi," and then it's off to the kitchen to apparently fellate Brandon or some fucking nonsense.

IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE, with Cindy saying to Brandon, "What great news! You know, we've always felt bad about moving here and screwing up your plans to run back home," like, YES. BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY WHAT YOU SHOULD BASE A CROSS-COUNTRY, WORK-RELATED RELOCATION DECISION ON: IF YOUR CRETIN SON IS GOING TO RUN FOR HIGH SCHOOL OFFICE. WHAT WORLD IS THIS?????

And then Jim asks if Brandon thinks he has a chance, and these two asinine groupies come in and Donna says, "Oh, definitely. The other guy's a nobody, too...no offense." And then for some reason, Kelly thinks it's okay for her to speak and says, "I've never been friends with a candidate before," and WHAT IN HOLY MOTHER-FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? WOULD ANYONE ACTUALLY BEHAVE THIS WAY???

And Brenda comes in with her polka-dot bomber jacket (of which I owned a few, all LOUDLY floral) and reminds everyone, "Friends with the candidate's sister," and Kelly's all dismissive with, "Right," and to Brandon: "I've never even voted," and Brandon SAYS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE, "Well, you gotta get involved, Kel. It's important to try to change things." YES. IN HIGH SCHOOL. BECAUSE, AGAIN, JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENTS WIELD SOOOOOOOO MUCH POWER AND CONTROL. I don't know what universe they used in which to base this story line, but it's absolutely laughable in every single way.

And then Kelly says that she never thought about it that way (WHAT.EVER.) and Brenda goes to change her jacket and then Donna's all Not Sexy Coy and says, "Congratulations, Brandon," AND THEN SHE FUCKING KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND WHAT THE FUCK FUCKING FUCK.  THAT HAPPENED. FOR REAL. NO JOKE. I...think my temporal artery just imploded.

We head upstairs to Brenda and YOW she's crying. Or just had a stroke. I guess because her two mental defective friends were being All About Brandon and his bid to win Election '91 or some shit? BIG DEAL BRENDA. Those no-nothing losers are so far beneath you, I mean, CHRIST YES. 

So Cindy comes in, wearing a very nice color and hair that's looking decent. For Cindy. She'll never have great hair, per se. Neither will AHHHHHHHHNdrea. ANYway, Cindy basically completely ignores the fact that her daughter is having some kind of break down RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER GODDAMN FACE and just asks, "Do you know where the art supplies are?" and Brenda says, "Sorry...Mom, have you ever felt like a phone call that's been disconnected?" and Cindy's all, "Honey, goes with the territory of being a teenager," when she should've said, "UH. NO. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING AND THAT ANALOGY IS BEYOND IDIOTIC." But whatever. And then Brenda's apparently practicing for her appalling little monologue-deal later in the show and says, "Yeah, along with hormone hell, bad driving, classes that don't relate to life," and Cindy's all, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I know it sounds hokey but it's all part of growing into who you are," and then Brenda starts to say, "I just feel..." but then stupid Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh yells from downstairs, "Cindy! Let's get those campaign buttons rolling!"

So then Cindy all hastily kisses Brenda on the cheek, "Honey, you'll do just fine," and instead of snapping Cindy's Cross Your Heart bra strap, Brenda just finishes up her sad little sentence with, "I feel like I don't belong." Which, well, you don't. Because you're awesome. I mean, not this episode or anything, but overall, yes. You're WAYYYYYYY better than every other person on this show. Also: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO? ALSO-Also: GREAT PARENTING, CIN. I see she's acclimating very well to Derelict Beverly Hills Parent status.

FOR THE LOVE OF. So, next we're at The Fallout Club, and I'm going to attempt to get through this without too much self-harm or my trusty moonshine IV drip. Also: keep in mind that this gal right up there? Carol Burnett's daughter, Carrie Hamilton. Who is just appalling as an actress. Well, at least in this role. Apparently, Carol hogged up all the talent for herself. But I shouldn't speak ill of the dead. Carrie died in 2002 from lung and brain cancer. So. WOW. I'm about to be a complete monster about a deceased woman. Sounds like something Brandon would do. ANYway, Carol Burnett's daughter starts in with, "Hi. For any newcomers, my name is Sky (!). Welcome to the coffeehouse that doesn't take itself too seriously [UM, I THINK THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT DOES, YOU BLATHERING HALFWIT]. We've got a little bit of everything here, comedy, poetry, personal confessions..." and she's sprawled out on a fucking chaise lounge for CHRIST'S SAKE. Just...what a complete douche. 

So The Triple Threat walks in, and Donna's all, "We have just walked in to Beetlejuice," and I really don't think that would be a bad thing at all, but whatever. And then Kelly has gotten some fashion tips from Brandon and is wearing her Goin' Out On The Town Canadian Tuxedo and she says, "Come on you guys, this is the hot new place," and the second Kelly GODDAMN Taylor said someplace was "hot" I would be FUCKING OUT OF THERE. And then Brenda says, "But it's so smoky in here," whatever.

Back to Sky (YES, SHE'S STILL TALKING): "Basically, our motto is if you'll sit through it we'll do just about anything up here [YES, YES YOU WILL]. Anyway, like I said, my name is Sky. It really is, my parents named me that. No kidding. And it gets worse; my middle name is Blue Yonder. You see, my dad was in the Air Force, my mother was a pothead. I guess that makes me an airhead, huh? You know something, though, being a GI brat was great training for being up here because in most instances, I had to learn how to make people like me, fast [YOU ARE DOING A HORRIBLE JOB]. The most grueling part of my basic training was switching high schools in the middle of the year. I would pray to god that I wouldn't wind up a POW...a Permanently Outcast Wuss [WHUUUUUUUUUH??? X ALL THE INFINITIES EVER.]. Well, I figured it out, in order to survive the high school trenches, I had to devise a battle plan and I did. My strategy was swift and comprehensive. The first point of attack? Don't join any clique, join every clique!" 

And then the girls have found some totally cliched, Friends-esque area to sit in, and Sky's last sentiment really rung true with Brenda for GOD KNOWS WHY and she tells Donna and Kelly, "That is so true!" Which, Brenda fell right in with The Towheads here, so I don't quite get why she related to Sky's "joke" so much. And Kelly along with THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM says, "It's not that funny," and MARRY ME, KELLY. Also: thank you for perfectly encapsulating everything I want to say with just one withering look. 

I've never been so overjoyed to see Steve SAUNders, even with his Non-Steve SAUNders suede-y looking forest green button-up. But since we're not at The Fallout Club anymore, AMEN FOR POORLY DRESSED, CURLY-HEADED FUCKS. So Steve's all, "Anyway, this girl Sarah has the most amazing body. She's got this citrus thing going on. All she wears is orange," and people in Beverly Hills really need fucking therapy. Brandon says it's bizarre, and then says, "Alright, how does this sound, man? 'I'll listen to my student body'," which to me sounds like some lame attempt at sexual innuendo, but whatever. And Steve's all, "Dude, that's not gonna flush here. You know what the vice president of Beverly Hills High School did last year? He took out a different girl every week, know why? So he could nail their votes." ALL THE THOUGHTS IN THE WORLD is what I have to say about that. And then he says that politics are "very ugly in kind of a cool way," and just stringing together words doesn't make them a logical sentence, Steve.

And then he and his cotton candy hairpiece go on: "My mom says that politics and showbizness are in the same game. You have to know the A-list people," and then he fails to mention that that list does not include himself, Kelly, Donna, and David, of course. And Brandon says, "Listen, Steve, all I want to do is...," but Steve interrupts, "Win? Politicians that win go for the jugular, Brandon," and Brandon doesn't think he has the killer instinct, and then Steve says, "Yeah you do," and then they start PLAY-FIGHTING WHAT and Steve chants, "Walsh! Walsh!" and then I lit myself on fire. Yes, I lit myself on fire.

Unfortunately for me, when I get back from the burn unit, this cloying foolio is still at it: "So, that's my life story. Soon to be a minor motion picture. Thank you very much, boys and girls, and please, be kind to your waitress," and then kind of waves to indicate that she's the waitress, and if that's the case, I would leave her the number to a Suicide Encouragement hotline and a stack of cow-pies as a tip. 

So then Sky, dressed as some kind of Earth Mother Loser, comes up to take the girls' orders, and Brenda's all awestruck WHY and says, "Excuse me, you were really wonderful," and THIS IS SINCERELY MAKING ME RECONSIDER MY UNWAVERING DEVOTION TO BRENDA, I MEAN JESUS. And Sky's all, "Thanks," but she really acts like she just EXPECTS those types of compliments and YOU SHOULDN'T HOLD YOUR BREATH, LADY. And then she inquires of Brenda, "You look so familiar to me, have you been here before?" and Brenda thinks she's clever and says, "No, I'm new in town. An accounting brat from Minnesota," and please don't, Brenda. Just...please don't. And then Sky, desperate for friends (I mean, I assume, because OBVIOUSLY) is all, "Oh, well, we're practically related. Would you girls like some coffee?" and Kelly orders a cappuccino, Donna asks for a "cafe au lait with chocolate, hold the cinnamon," and Brenda will have a Coke. And Sky says, "Yeah, you bet. Uh oh. Here comes Jack. You girls are gonna love him," except I think that Sky has the definitions of "love" and "hate" mixed up.

So this douche sack gets up on stage all, "Hello! It's good to be back here at The Fallout Club. Nice to see all you mutant radiation victims," like, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, FELLA. AND IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? HIP? EDGY? BECAUSE ALL IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO DO IS COMMIT VIOLENT ACTS OF SELF-MUTILATION. So then OF COURSE Kelly calls out to Sky in the middle of this, all, "Uh, whipped cream on mine," and then Jack thinks he's Andrew Dice Clay or something and starts berating Kelly, "Whipped cream on yours? So, what do we have here: typical California girl, blonde, into the important things like, clothes, makeup, way too much makeup!" like, THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR ANY OF THIS. I'VE RUN OUT. Oh, other than, "Eat a dick, Jack," I mean.

So Kelly is rightly upset by this, although she should probably just stay and throw buckets of urine at Jack's pin head, and says, "Let's get outta here." But Brenda swoops in all saucy and sassy and says to Jack, "You know, I love it when people make snap judgments without any information. You can be so much more objective that way," like...that was way lame, Tai. 

And then Probably Puny Penis'ed Jack is just so, so droll with, "Ooo, a heckle-ette. Let me guess, you tried on fifty jackets and none of them worked so you decided to go with this one?" and IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE HUMOR? THAT IS NOT A JOKE. LIKE, AT ALL. I HOPE SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE SPEARS THIS WORTHLESS MAGGOT. IN THE FACE. WITH A RUNNING CHAINSAW. But Brenda won't let it die and says, "Yeah, kinda like you: you tried out fifty jokes and none of them worked," and...this is absolutely true, actually. And Jack responds with, "Ouch, oh, god, I'm bleedin'," which FUCKING GOOD PLEASE DIE, and Donna leans into Kelly and whispers, "I didn't know she could do that," and Kelly says all snottily, "Neither did she." UM, SHE JUST STUCK UP FOR YOU, YOU ENORMOUS CUNT. I guess Kelly can pay Brenda back by treating her like trash for the remainder of the episode.

So the next morning, Brenda's telling her tale about the night before, pleased as pie with herself: "So there I was, listening to Kelly being heckled and instantly I knew what to do." And of course Jim and Cindy, making campaign buttons COLOSSAL WHATEVER, love their Puke Son more than Brenda, so they're hardly paying attention, with Jim in a full-on sweatsuit, I believe, and Cindy wearing what appears to be a monstrosity from Chick Schneider's line. And then the doorbell rings and Brandon, who will continue this schtick until THE END OF TIME, says, "Oh, that might be the door," and Brenda goes on to say, "Mom, these performance-oriented coffeehouses are really happening, I mean, I really felt apart of it," which is just gross, but whatever. And then, to really get her parents attention, she blurts out, "And Dad, I'm pregnant," and then of course Jim has a stroke (not really, but I wish) and Brenda admits that she was "just kidding," and the end of Season 1 cannot come soon enough...and then Brenda really will think she's pregnant. And Jim still won't die.

So Kelly and Donna are at the door, and Kelly is suggesting, "Use neon or a big W for winner," for the buttons, and then continues, "I was up all night from that toxic cappuccino, thinking about what you said about getting involved...Brandon, I can help you win. I know everyone," meaning, "I've gone down on everyone." Probably, I mean. And Donna is actually RAD for a moment and says, "Or how to glomb onto everyone, right?" and Kelly tells Brandon, "And that is exactly what you need."

Luckily, Brenda comes up with her pretty hair and pretty shirt and reminds everyone, "Kelly, whenever political stuff comes on, you switch to MTV," but because Brandon is in desperate need of a handy, he tells Kelly, "Any help would be appreciated." 

And then Tiresome AHHHHHHNdrea, wearing Babe Ruth's Old Timey Yankee uniform, is all, "Any help doing what?" and before Brandon can respond, Kelly says, "I am going to run Brandon's campaign," and AHHHHHHHHNdrea nearly starts crying and says, "What? I thought I was gonna do that?" and Brandon says that there's room for both of them. Which probably means that he thinks it's eventually going to turn into a menage a trois.

So AHHHHHHHNdrea, with another horrible comb-over, drags Brandon, who's wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK and should really think about trimming up his neck hair, like, what's up Wolf Man, outside and tells him that she was the coward who backed out of the election (WHAT?!? Oh, wait, that was totally obvious) because she didn't want to lose, which she ABSOLUTELY would have. And then Brandon emotionally manipulates her some more and says, "Well, neither do I. Democracy needs you, AHHHHHNdrea, I need you. Okay?" and AHHHHHHHNdrea agrees and probably thinks this means that Brandon is madly in love with her or something.

Back inside, Brenda's ready to go, but Kelly, who shouldn't even be allowed to have friends, says, "Oh, Brenda, I can't go with you, we need to have a campaign meeting," and Brandon, Who The World Revolves Around, suggests that she stays and helps, and then Brenda is SO PUTRID and says, "I can't. Sky invited us to a political blab-fest this afternoon," and OH MYLANTA. She says that her and Donna will go, but Donna bails, too, saying, "Well, actually, the smoke in that club, it just murders my contacts," so Brenda's going alone and leaves everyone with, "I guess Sky's too mature for you guys," and Kelly comes back with, "Please, they don't even card at that club," and then to Donna, "Do they?" And I really can't decide if I loathe Brenda or Kelly more at the moment. Let's just call it a tie. 

Throwing this one in so that you can see that despite Brenda's...unappealing choice in friends (e.g. Kelly, Sky), she still manages to dress like a doll. The Steve SAUNders Slouchy Socks aren't even bothering me that much.

So she goes up to Sky, who is really awkward and just kind of starts in with, "Hey, Brenda! I'm glad you made it. Listen, Jack and I are doing this Earth Relief benefit [????????????????????????????????], here's a flyer," and what does a goddamn "Earth Relief" benefit have to do with their beyond-shitty stand-up acts, and also: what in HEAVENS are they relieving the Earth of? SHUT UP, SKY. FOREVER. And Brenda says that she can't make it because of school, all, "Truth is I feel out of touch with all that stuff," and then Sky is just an excellent role model and tells Brenda, "Oh, god I hear that. That's why I left bad old Modesto High at sixteen." Way to plant that seed, Sky.

And Brenda is shocked and wonders what Sky's parents thought, and Sky's all, "Mmm, they bagged on me a little bit at first, but they came around," and then she makes like she's goddamn Ernest Hemingway and shares, "My cousin was driving across the country and I just had to go with her. So then we took off for Greece and many adventures later, I wound up here," like, Sky should probably reevaluate her life choices. And Brenda, Impressionable Teen, says, "You've really lived," and UMMMMMMMMM...I don't think that's the right choice of word there, Bren. Maybe "You...'re a real loser," or "You...r life sucks."

And then she says that she's been "stuck in popularity contest land." YOU CHOSE YOUR FRIENDS, GAL. MAKE SOME NEW ONES. She goes on to say that she oversleeps on the weekdays, which is the first I'm hearing of it. No one's mentioned Brenda's tendency to miss the school bus or anything. THIS STORY LINE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. And Sky continues to romanticize her life and tempt Brenda into dropping out of school, all, "I couldn't get out of bed before noon when I was in high school. It's the legacy of being the new kid. But you know something, when I got out, I had this awakening. I started reading these great books and getting into environmental causes," and Sky is just such a poseur, SWEET SHIT. Brenda says, "I could be doing this just like you," which is what, exactly? Being a waitress in a coffee shop (which isn't a bad thing necessarily; I'm just saying Sky shouldn't be glamorizing it so much) and giving self-indulgent and obnoxious "personal confessions" that aren't even in the same stratosphere as "funny"? Yeah, sounds like a real beacon of inspiration. And then Sky is bordering on logical when she says, "Yeah, you remind me a lot of me when I was in high school. But you know something, high school diplomas, they really help," and Brenda thinks she's a genius and says, "Well, I'm not talking about dropping out. I'm talking about getting the best of both worlds."

Cut to: Some counselor lady at West Bev, who tells Brenda, "Here's the high school equivalency form you requested," which Brenda thanks her for. Lady Counselor informs Brenda, "You know your parents are gonna have to sign this. Have you thought about what you're going to tell them?" Also: Lady Counselor is wearing couch cushions for shoulder pads.

And then Brenda gets ALLLLLLLL DRAMZZZZZ and says, "I'll just tell them...I'll tell them I'm quitting school." OH NO! But really, whatever.

Back at the House Of Walsh, Cindy's looking...pretty...okay. And her and Jim have color-coordinated their shirts, which they seem to do a lot of, actually. ANYhow, Cindy's all, "SAY WHAAAAAAAAAT?" and Jim is a condescending dweeb and says, "No. You cannot drop out of school even if you pass a high school equivalency test."

But Brenda comes back with, "It's not dropping out. It's getting your diploma early," and "Mom, you're always talking about letting your little birdies fly off by themselves," so Cindy tells her to go skydiving again but that "this school experience is just too important." And Brenda just...does not have a good argument, all, "I learn so much more from my friends [YOU MET THEM WHAT, A FEW DAYS AGO?]. I mean, the people at The Fallout Club, they talk about books, and politics. I wanna learn from life, not just memorize things," and Jim says that they all have fantasies like that when they're Brenda's age, except that his probably involved Andes Mints, Do Not Disturb signs, crossword puzzles, and plans to play his future children against each other some day. But whatever. And then Cindy says, "That's true. I wanted to be Judy Collins and go to Greenwich Village with a guitar on my back," which AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But anyway, Cindy tells Brenda that there's a difference between dreaming about those things and actually doing them. 

And then Brenda's apparently picked up some fashion tips from Goddess Spirit Sky, and she says, "Exactly. And in my case it's not just a fantasy. You raised me so well I'm ahead of myself," and Jim tells her to "put on the brakes", and that they're not gonna let her screw up her life, and then Brenda pulls on her Cranky Pants and points a fingers at them and says, "No, you don't wanna let me live my life. You just don't understand," and tell it to DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, sister. So then Jim says that they do understand, and Brenda says that they don't, and then Cindy actually gets a little cranky herself and says, "Alright, we don't understand, and the answer is still no!" and then Brenda stomps right on out of there. 

So then Jim and his little tuft of hair are all, "Oh, boy," and Cindy says, "She'll grow out of it," and Good For Nothing Jim sucks and replies, "Thank god Brandon's got his feet on the ground."

And then WAKA WAKA we cut to this. Brandon, standing on a chair, with his feet very obviously not on the ground. Oh, you wacky show!

Anyway, he's getting his picture taken for campaign posters or some shit. And he asks Kelly if she'd tell him if he looked like a dweeb. So I'm all like, "BRANDON, YOU LOOK LIKE A DWEEB. AND I LOATHE YOU. AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOU." But really, I think this is a good color for Brandon. And his sideburns are coming in nicely. And his swoop isn't really bothering me too much because it's not laying on his forehead or sitting atop his cranium at a diagonal like a fascinator. 

But Kelly apparently thinks he looks like a dweeb. And can I tell you that I wore my hair like this everyday over the course of 7th-and-8th grade? Of course, it mostly looked like uneven, bumpy asshole. But this was certainly the shining example of What Could've Been.

ANYhow, AHHHHHHNdrea's there too, and Kelly shows them, "some cute politician photos," and tells Brandon, "to model yourself after these guys, okay?" and Kelly is just the shallowest pool in the neighborhood. And then AHHHHHHNdrea thinks she's all biting and witty and says, "Well, you've been busy. Kelly, Gary Hart never made it to the nomination," and Kelly says that's because he was too cute for his own good and this is just mind-numbing. And AHHHHHHNdrea thinks they should focus on "the issues" (WHATEVER THOSE WOULD BE IN A GODDAMN HIGH SCHOOL) and Brandon says, "I had this idea that maybe we could feed some homeless people with all the surplus food they throw out of the cafeteria," and AHHHHHHNdrea thinks that's great but Kelly takes a page from her own book and chimes in, "We have got to hit people with what they want for themselves."

And then Brenda comes in all happy and smiling (why, I don't know, since this was assumedly post-argument with Big Jim and Cindy) and informs them, "Hey. Big news. I've got my own campaign going: to leave school," and Kelly, Ignorant Slut, is all, "Brenda, that is a great idea. Yeah, we'll tell them they can leave school for lunch!" 

And unlike Kelly, Brandon's not a total nimrod, and takes Brenda into the bathroom and asks, "Brenda, you aren't really serious about quitting school, are you?" and Brenda says that she is, and Brandon Tough Loves her, all, "Well, you're seriously nuts if you do that." And then Kelly calls him back for more photos and no one, including Hollow Earth dwellers, FUCKING CARES.

The Next Whatever at school: this chick, who was also on Saved By The Bell, like, that well was drained dry between the two shows (and there's one more to come in just this episode alone) comes up to Brenda, who's wearing a pretty blue button-up paired with a non-pretty, sky blue pair of jeans that also double as a scoliosis brace, and asks, "'Scuse me, aren't you Brandon Walsh's sister?" and Brenda is about five years behind the times and says, "I feel like Ferris Bueller's sister." 

In another area of campus, Kelly is advising Brandon, "You have to go up to everybody. Even those people that you don't like, alright? Now, see those girls over there?" and Brandon says he doesn't even know them, but Kelly, Svengali Skank, tells him, "Smile. You have a cute smile," and Brandon is all flattered and whatever. Kelly's blazer is cute. That's all I've got.

And Brandon heads over to these girls, and SERIOUSLY, SHOW? COULD YOU HAVE MADE THEM ANY MORE AWKWARD AND DORKY AND PRACTICALLY FOAMING AT THEIR OVER-BITTEN MOUTHS THAT BRANDON BLESSED THEM WITH HIS PRESENCE? Yeesh.

So. Kelly is The Worst. I've mentioned that before, right? Just really a truly horrible and selfish individual. Which she's out to demonstrate as she approaches David, all waving and smiling and being a complete schemer. 

And David immediately begins to pop Woodrows and says, "My god, she's waving at me," and I Love Scottie says, "She must need something," like, way to kill off your most savvy character, SHOW. And than David is still utterly deluded and says, "She needs me. She just doesn't know it yet," and I am somehow able to pry open a can of Febreze Air Effects and start mercifully downing shots of Apple & Spice Delight.

So No Moral Fiber Or Integrity To Speak Of Kelly sits down with David and says, "David, hi. Listen, I really need you. Brandon needs a hot campaign video; something sexy; you can do it, right?" and David says that he can't, because he's "broadcasting" Thursday's debate on West Bev's imaginary television station, and it would be a conflict if interest. And Kelly's all, "Gee, that's too bad. See, I was kind of hoping that after the victory party you and I could go out on a date or something," and I am so glad that Kelly gets an eating disorder, and burns in a fire, and joins a cult, and gets hooked on coke, and has a miscarriage, and gets shot in the stomach, and has amnesia, and Brandon cheats on her, and all of the other devastating things that happen in her life (besides the previous and subsequent rapes, I mean) because SHE DESERVES THEM ALL. So David ponders out loud, "I wonder what Geraldo would do in this situation?" and Kelly says, "He'd go for it. Definitely," although, he'd probably have to trim his mustache first.

So Brenda's watching all of this go down, and she says, OUT LOUD, "Comedy of politics," and jots something down in her notebook. Brenda? That ain't comedy. And then hey! Look who it is! Crater Face Coburn himself! (Also, YES, from Saved By The Bell):

YES. But mostly NO.

So anyway, he says hi to Brenda, and before she looks up to see who it is she goes off, "He's over there, yes I am his sister, anything else you wanna know?" and Crater Face is all, "Not really," and Brenda realizes her mistake and apologizes, "Hi, Crater Face. I'm sorry, this election stuff has just so taken over the school." So Crater Face agrees and says he's sick of politics himself, and then asks what Brenda's writing. And she responds, "Work, hopefully. Probably just a bunch of pitiful jokes," and YES, YOU'RE RIGHT. And Crater Face is intrigued, all, "You do that stuff?" and no, no she doesn't, Crater Face. BECAUSE SHE'S JUST AWFUL. But she proceeds to tell him that she's trying to get on Amateur (I'LL SAY) Night at a club, and Crater Face continues to be all impressed. Because he doesn't leave the house much, apparently.

And then Wretched Kelly comes up and ruins EVERYTHING, and gives poor Crater Face the hairy eyeball, which forces him to leave, but not before he nicely tells Brenda to, "keep up the work." Although I kind of detest him for that because he really shouldn't be supporting that kind of behavior. ANYway, Kelly reams, "Brenda, how could you do that with him in public?" and Brenda informs her that her and Crater Face were just having a conversation, and Kelly fills the viewing audience in on the fact that Crater Face is Brandon's opponent, which Brenda says she's aware of. "So I hope you didn't tell him anything," Kelly self-centeredly (WHAT'S NEW) advises. Brenda tells Kelly that Crater Face was interested in her (Brenda) and Kelly, a canker on mankind, says, "Right, Brenda. Grow up." Also: all of the Brandons staring at me from the posters? Are giving me a stomachache and probably, like, cirrhosis of the frontal lobe.

OH. MOTHER. I will try. We're at The Fallout Club, and this bozo and Sky are helping Brenda with her "bit," which includes, "The image-fest of teenage politics. Those guys are trying to act like adults but they pick immature adults to act like. It isn't working, is it?" and ALL THE NOS IN THE WORLD NO NO NO NO NO IT ISN'T. I...don't even know what that was. Certainly not comedy. More like...a verbal plague upon the ears. So then Scenester Jack, who's So Above It All, says, "No. Take it further, make 'em kiddies in playpens being politicians. Wah-ah-ah-ah, elect me! Stuff like that," and WHERE IS THE HUMOR IN ANY OF THIS? KILL ME NOW. WITH LIKE, A DULL STICK FROM THE YARD. JAM IT INTO MY NECK JUST DO IT. But Brenda and Sky think Jack's A COMEDIC GENIUS and laugh and laugh and laugh, instead of upchucking and upchucking and upchucking all over Lame Jack's Lame Vest. And Brenda asks, "How do you learn to bring all that stuff together?" like, Brenda? Just throw a bunch of words together and then speak them with an air of superiority, and you've pretty much got it.

Sky, combining the Spunk Of Blossom and The Sass Of Six, tells Brenda, "It just takes practice. My first bit was so pretentious, I pretended somebody else wrote it," so, oh! The thing from the other night was your first piece? No? Well then I don't get it. WAIT! Yes I do! YOUR "COMEDY" IS STILL THE SCOURGE  OF THE PLANET. And then Jack stands up and is all, "The trick is to unlearn everything you've learned. Took me years of performing to get there," and really? You've been doing this for years? Might be time to rethink your career choices, Jack-O. Oh, and then sadly for everyone ever born, Sky discreetly tells Brenda, "Rumor has it that some things you learn with Jack, you never wanna unlearn," and then I began the time-consuming task of removing each of my toenails with a #2 pencil and a dream. And Brenda starts to ask, "Are you two...?" and Sky's all, "HELLZZZZZZZZZZZZZ NO," but it sounded more like, "No way. Even good sex ruins a good friendship." Which is still a revolting sentiment. 

So as Jack sits back down on his Throne Of Fucking DORKS, Sky's all, "Listen, Jack. I really hate to ask you this, believe me, but it's family crisis time again, I've gotta go up to Modesto," and Jack tells her to forget it, all, "Every time I house sit for you, we wind up in a fight. You didn't water the plants, you forgot to feed the yuppie..." and Sky corrects, "The guppie," and MY GOD. THE REPARTEE BETWEEN THESE TWO IS JUST PRICELESS. EXCEPT FOR ALL THE EXACT OPPOSITES OF THAT. And then Brenda offers up her services. Whatever. The end. Not really. But we're fast approaching the end of my life, I believe.

BATTERY ACID, TAKE ME AWAY. So we're now viewing Brandon's campaign video along with him, Kelly, and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, which, SIGH, why did this even happen? This isn't the goddamn NATIONAL presidential election. Is an essential Brandon-commercial even remotely necessary? ANYWAY, Brandon's apparently had a film crew following him around since he came to Beverly Hills, because almost all of the shots in this thing are just clips from previous episodes. Like, WHAT? So this one is from "Higher Education" when he berated poor AHHHHHHHNdrea at the public library...

...and this is mere seconds before he encounters Our Dylan for the first time in "The Green Room" (good thing a CAMERA was there to capture this non-momentous moment).

Also good that someone was filming this (also from "The Green Room"), when Brandon's in Dylan's car on the Sunset Strip. Is Brandon's life really a reality show???

More from "The Green Room." Apparently, these images are going to get the entire school to vote for Brandon.

THANK HEAVENS FOR AHHHHHHHHHHNDREA, which I never want to say again, because she asks, "Enlighten me, what does this have to do with a high school election?" and Kelly says, "You told me that girls vote more than guys." And I am a girl and I would NOT vote for Brandon. Because of this:

NO.

NOOOOoooo. Also, Brandon had a camera crew with him a lot when he first met Dylan.

I wonder if Surf Betty was weirded out by the constant filming. Whatever, she was probably drunk.

WHEN WILL THIS END.

Even Brandon hates himself.

Aww! Smug Jim got in on it!

Speaking of smug...

Better. Because you can't see his bangs.

His tie is long enough to touch his bulge.

THIS HAS TO STOP INSTANTLY. Except that David's pee-wee voiceover comes in and says, "Bran The Man! He Can Deliver!" and AHHHHHNdrea's all, "What, what are you going to deliver? I mean you haven't told us what you're gonna do," and Kelly is imbecilic and says, "Well that's the beauty of it. He doesn't say anything."

So after The Complete Masturbation of Brandon's Ego is over, AHHHHHHHHNdrea's ALL up in arms, asking, "Brandon, how could you do this to our campaign?" and Brandon is lacking in...humaness, and tells her, "Hey, we all wanna win, AHHHHHNdrea," and at least AHHHHHHHNdrea has the nerve to awesomely tell Brandon, "No, wrong, not me. Suddenly there's a small part of me that wants you to lose," WHICH ME TOO. 

And then she puts her dowdy jacket over her dowdy clothes and starts to storm out and Brandon wants to know where she's going, and it's apparently going to be a real steamy night at the Zuckerman house because she says, "Grab a submarine sandwich and rent Sex, Lies and Videotape. You're on your own, Bran Man." And Brandon, still not getting that he just got everything he deserved, is all, "She deserted me."

But Kelly, reaching for "seductive" but landing somewhere closer to "pathetic," says, "Well, I'm still here...listen, Brandon, if you really want something, you have to go after it. Hard." And she's about as subtle as a shiv to the ribs, which hey! Is exactly what I'm giving myself RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT. And Brandon reminds her that, "Steve wouldn't like this," and Kelly reminds him that "Steve's off chasing some girl in orange this week. But he would love to be in your position right now," meaning, raw-dog style. Or, soon-to-be raw-dog-style, rather. Like, in about five seconds.

But! Brenda thwarts Kelly's plans of Total Vaginal Domination of Brandon's Little Minnesota! And Brandon all nervously tells Brenda, "We were just, uh...taking a break," and Brenda's all, "Hey, listen. Don't mind me, it's fine. I've moved past all this," which, WHATEVER. IT'S HIGH SCHOOL. NO ONE EVER MOVES PAST ANYTHING. So Kelly snorts and says, "'Scuse us." But Brenda has apparently adopted Jack's triteness and tells them, "No, go ahead. Play your little political games in your kindergarten-like world. I'm off to experience the real thing," and then she walks upstairs. BRENDA YOUR "OBSERVATIONS" ARE PLAYED OUT AND WEAK. PLEASE STICK THEM IN A ROCKET AND LAUNCH THEM INTO OUTER SPACE.

And then Brenda's in her room packing a bag, and Jim and Cindy come to the door, and Cindy's all, "Hi, honey. We didn't know you were back," and Brenda says, "Surprise. Anyway, I'm not. For very long," and Jim is dim and asks, "What are you doing?" and Brenda answers, "I'm moving out." I...don't think you can just do that, unless you're emancipated or something. Then again, this is Beverly Hills, where everything is base and immoral.

And Jim and Cindy are all Concerned Parents, But Not Really Because They Obviously Love Their Son More. 

Speaking of which, it takes Brandon all of about five minutes to move his ridiculous "campaign headquarters" into Brenda's vacant room.

So then Jim and Cindy come in, and Jim couldn't give three shits about Brenda's absence, because he makes this inane comment to Brandon: "Here are the flyers. I should have a sign, like McDonald's, over five billion copied," and THE INANITY DOESN'T STOP AS BRANDON SAYS, "Yeah, and I'm the McCandidate." Brandon, I hope your first order of business after being elected is impeaching yourself. So then Jim gives Brenda a second thought and says, "Are we doing the right thing?" and Cindy's all, "What choice did we have?" and IS SHE FOR REAL??? YOU ARE THE PARENTS. YOU HAVE A LOT OF CHOICES. And Jim notes, "She was determined," and Cindy adds, "And we already said no about that high school equivalency thing," so, moving out was her consolation prize? I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THESE PEOPLE. So then they talk about how it's only for three days, and if she decides to stay longer (because she's An Adult, apparently) they'll drag her back home, and at least the apartment's in a safe area, and that they'll drive by it and check up on her. And Sage Cindy is all, "When you're a kid, you just wanna grow up. And when you're older, all you wanna do is be a kid again." And...sadly, this commentary is completely true. How depressing.

Over to Sky's, which Miami Vice threw up all over. Sky's asking Brenda, "How did you ever convince your parents to let you stay?" and Brenda says, "I promised to call a lot. Actually, it wasn't that hard, it kinda freaked me out. Maybe they've just been so focused on Brandon that it slipped right by them," and you better believe it, Bren. 

So then Sky goes over all her apartment instructions blah, saying, "Locks, you gotta jiggle them," and gives the keys to Brenda, telling them (!), "You guys be kind to Brenda." And then she tells Brenda about the yuppie...I mean, the guppie, and OH JACK, THAT'S COMEDY GOLD. And she puts her hat back on (bad idea) and asks Brenda if she's going to be alright and PLEASE LEAVE SKY SO THAT THIS EPISODE CAN HOBBLE TOWARD COMPLETION.

Later: We have a scene of Brenda rather rudely eating brownies on Sky's bed, like, brownies are a fucking crumbly mess and I wouldn't want what looks like shit-smears all over my bedding.

Then she plays dress-up with Sky's barfy clothing, and Brenda is really not a very good house-sitter. Maybe she can go through Sky's underwear drawer and safety deposit box next.

The next day at school: Look, I love this. I never wear hats myself, but I think Brenda is pulling this off. It's got a very 20s-feel to it, like, Flapper Casual. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Down the hall, David is dressed like Sinbad and watching Brandon's campaign video with a bunch of rando extras. He's all, "It's brilliant. I wish I could take credit for it," which, I thought he was the one who put it together? He added his high-pitched squeal to it at the end, anyway. WHATEVER. So Kelly says, "Oh, you have credit with me. Now, here's what we want to discuss in tomorrow's debate," and goes to hand him a piece of paper, but David cuts her off with, "Kelly, I'm monitoring that debate. We have to play by Roberts Rules," but Machiavellian Kelly totally has him in her back pocket...or vagina or whatever, and says, "Of course we do. My phone number's on the back," which David describes as, "Brutal." Yes. That scene was brutal to get through.

Cut to: Tiny Brandon, shaking the hand of Lumpy Rutherford, like, did this guy just fall out of 1955 Hill Valley or what? 

So then AHHHHHHHNdrea comes up, and Brenda gripes, "Brandon hates that jerk," meaning Lumpy. And AHHHHHHHNdrea sarcastically reminds Brenda, "Yeah, well, jerks are voters, too," and Brenda can't believe that he let himself get so manipulated, and then AHHHHHHHNdrea echoes my sentiments with, "Yeah. Major integrity loss. Oh, no. Here comes Svengali," as Kelly huffs up. 

Kelly's all, "Brenda, how can you wear that costume?" like, Kelly, how can you wear those jeans that give you a mad case of Suffocated Labia? And Brenda is kind of great and says, "Well, Kelly, you put one arm through one sleeve, and one through the other," and Kelly is such a dolt, Brenda's explanation was probably news to her.

Brandon comes up and Brenda's all, "Hey, if it isn't Bran The Man," and Stupid Kelly has to be stupid and says, "First of all, Hippie Witch is out," which, was it ever in??? I didn't even know that was a thing. And then Brenda tells her that it's not Hippie Witch, it's "Twin Peaks and it's very in, but that doesn't matter," and I don't know what that means, either, since I've never seen Twin Peaks, but didn't the ladies on that show dress really fifties-ish? Anyway, it's in my Netflix queue, so I guess I'll find out. Do you care about any of this? No? And Kelly continues her streak of stupidity and says, "What does matter is that it'll hurt Brandon," like, because of what the candidate's sister is wearing, that might somehow deter voters away from him? I am...going to smother myself with a pillow; is that physically possible? Anyone? Unfortunately Brandon's a Smelly Anus Face and says, "Just 'til election, 'kay Bren? So, you coming to the campaign party at Donna's tonight? We're gonna show the new improved campaign video," and Brenda's all,  "Yeah, I've got the gist: We Love Him. Actually, I'd love to but I have to feed Sky's fish," and Kelly says that sounds "thrilling," and Brenda snarks back at Kelly, "Well...when you're finally on your own you'll understand having responsibilities," which is totally asinine, since jiggling locks and feeding a goldfish aren't exactly the height of responsibility. Then again, Brenda's 16, so she probably thinks that's what Super Grown Up Adult People do.

Later, Brenda arrives at Sky's to find that the door is open and it looks like this on the inside. RUH. ROHHHHHH! 

She hears movement somewhere in the apartment, and instead of sprinting out the door and out onto the street, since she has no idea if robbers/rapists/murderers are inside, she scurries behind the archway pillar. Also: I wish the skirt on the dress was shorter.

This guy sees Brenda in her very obvious hiding place, and says, "Hey! What are you doing?" while carrying a TV towards the door. Brenda, still unsure, says, "Nothing. Um, look, I didn't see anything, really, 'cause I have awful, awful eyesight so I'll be leaving now, take anything you want," and then the guy reveals himself to be a repo man, and that "we don't need your permission to repossess these goodies." In conclusion: Sky is a deadbeat.

Brenda panics, demanding that they put everything back, and then begging, "Well, at least let me call first!" She apparently calls The Fallout Club, on Sky's oh-so-trendy, hugely foam(I think)-buttoned phone, asking for Jack, who's not there. He's probably lying on a bare mattress on the floor in the basement of his parents' house, coming up with some more "witty" and "cutting edge" material to use in his next "act." Repo Guy then takes the chair she's sitting on and leaves, and then there's a knock on the door and she wails, "There's nothing left!"

But it's 45-year-old Jack, come to probably Do The It with Brenda and then condescend to her post-coital, while she in turn she prays that the repo man didn't take take the last of Sky's loaded handguns. Anyway, brilliant Jack says, "Uh, you're something." Brenda whines, "They took everything," and Jack says that he saw them cruise by. Also: he dresses like a goddamn clown.

So they head to the kitchen, and Jack is all, "Yeah. Well, at least it's only things. We've got what's important. You, me, Franco-American spaghetti..." which he brought with him, but then it's "oop, seems like the gas company's in a snit, too," when he attempts to turn on the stove and nothing happens. And then he thinks he's Danny Zuko or some shit and lights up a cigarette, and Brenda says, "It's gotta be a misunderstanding," and Jack's all, "It always is. But hey, we don't have to be slave to the powers that be. We've got food...for the mind. We'll imagine a spectacular romantic dinner," and WHERE'S DYLAN? CAN HE SUDDENLY APPEAR AND DECK THIS GUY BACK TO WHATEVER ERA WILL HAVE HIM? I'M PICTURING...THE MID-80S. Also: Sky's kitchen is very Melrose Place-ian. ANYway.

And then there's a knock at the door, and Brenda's taken off her hat and totally doesn't have hat-hair, WHATEVER, and she's all, "What's going on?" and "Kelly, I'm not in the mood for a surprise party," and, Silly Brenda! Like Kelly would EVER think of ANYONE other than herself! And Kelly says, "Huh, this party is for Brandon. So this is the fish you're feeding. While the cat's away...," as she gives Jack the up and down, and I'm surprised she didn't immediately run to a pay phone to make a long-distance call to Mexico City to inform Dylan of Brenda's potential indiscretion.

So then Deviant Brandon comes in with a girl on each arm and lets Brenda know, "Donna's parents bailed when they found out how many people we invited," and Brenda asks how many that is, and Brandon, Drunk With A Power He Doesn't Yet Possess, says, "Ah, don't worry. They won't all show up." Dear Brandon - die a thousand deaths. No Love, Carly.

And then Steve comes in with the prostitute he picked up on Hollywood Blvd., because LOOK, and he's all, "Bran The Man! Brenda, what are you doing here? Sarah," indicating the hooker, "I want you to meet my best buddy Brandon Walsh, soon to be class president," and OOOO, I HOPE SARAH BROUGHT ALONG A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN FOR AN AUTOGRAPH. And then Brandon says something moronic about the color orange which isn't worth repeating, and Steve is FOUL BEYOND COMPARE when he asks Brenda, "Where's the bedroom?" and then she shoots Nunchucks at him with her eyes and he is still sick and says, "Alright, I'll find it by myself!" Steve, please learn the art of Self Pleasure so that no other human being has to suffer the mental image of you fucking. Please? 

So Kelly rudely asks, "Where's the food?" and Brenda sarcastically says, "You know, Kelly, if I had known you were coming I would have stocked the place for you," and OF COURSE Kelly doesn't catch on and is all, "Well, I tried calling but the phone was disconnected." And then her and Donna head into the Alison Parker kitchen, and Kelly looks in the fridge and sees that there is no food, and Donna runs the faucet and gross brown water comes out and I somehow doubt this apartment is in a "safe" area, as Jim and Cindy mentioned previously. 

So then David comes in with Scott and the camera and PUKE I hate his face and he says, "The Walsh campaign party, sort of a stand up event, everyone seems to be having a great time, and here's the candidate's sister, the hostess with the mostess," and THANKHEAVENFULLY, Brenda grabs the mic from him and shouts, "GET OUT!"

Sadly, Jack feels the need to take the microphone from Brenda so that he can speak into it and get off on the sound of his own pompous voice; here's what he says, in all its insufferable glory: "Uh, friends. Yeomen. Country club men. Lend me those pierced ears. Listen up. How many of you really know what this candidate stands for?" And I really wish someone had taken this moment to karate-chop Jack's EVERYTHING, but instead, Brenda takes this as her cue to get up on her high-horse and question her brother: "Do you even know anymore, Brandon? I mean you sorta turned into this processed candidate, haven't you?" and is that supposed to be scathing or something? Because it really isn't.

Kelly attempts to diffuse the situation by having David turn on the campaign video (AGAIN) but fortunately for everyone in the room, the power chooses that exact moment to go out. Coincidence? I think not.

So then we're out in the hall, and Brenda informs everyone that there's not a manager listed, and asks, "What, do I ring all the bells?" and Steve the John comes out with his escort and says, "Low-rent city, Brenda," as he walks by, like, thanks for coming out, Steve, YOU GIANT LEAKY ASSHOLE. 

So then Brandon asks where the fusebox is, and Brenda doesn't know and Donna comes by and tells them that they're heading to The Peach Pit, like, talk about Low-Rent City. And then Kelly comes up, and with her usual grace and tact tells Brenda, "You really have the apartment from hell, no offense," and who asked you anyway, you dumpster???

So Brenda and her Perfect Brenda hair are set off and say, "You know, you guys just burst in, not even thinking that I might have a life, just assuming that it would be okay," and Brandon, Just The Worst, says, "You know, you could've been a little more supportive and offered the apartment," like WHAT?!? And Brenda basically tells him he's a self-absorbed pustule, and that he's taken her friends with him. Which, GOOD RIDDANCE. But Brandon says he didn't take anyone, and Kelly chimes in, "You are the one who ditched me for the every-groovy Sky and Jack," and Brenda very accurately points out, "You know, it just bugs you, Kelly, when I get attention," which is like, gospel, MY GOD. 

Brenda continues on with, "Look, you guys have been passing me right by, why don't you just keep on going and leave me alone!" And of course Brandon gets physically aggro and grabs her arm and says, "Don't do this now!" like, don't do what now? Call these dinks out on their ghoulish behavior? WHO CARES IT'S ALL TRUE CAN WE TALK ABOUT BRENDA'S NON-BREAST CANCER NOW??? And then Brenda asks if it's bad timing for Brandon's campaign, because apparently he's about to enter the fucking primaries or something, and Brandon says he's gotta go, but asks, "You sure you don't wanna come?" and THEN IT GETS REALLY REAL UP IN HERE WHEN BRENDA CONFIDES, "I don't think I even wanna vote," like, NOOOOOOOOooooo, Brenda! ANYTHING BUT THAT. 

So then Nauseating Jack all comes up behind Brenda, probably with his wiener out, and says, "Looks like the party's over. Imagine me gone [I ALREADY HAVE], sweet Brenda." JUMP OFF A BUILDING JACK.

OH. DEAR. It's Thursday, I guess, and nearly time for the debate, and David's all Steve SAUNdered to JESUS and saying, "Wake up your ears! The great debate starts in five minutes. Tomorrow's election day, and date night," and then shoots Kelly this entirely obscene, knowing look. Scott: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. YOU STILL HAVE A FEW MONTHS LEFT BEFORE YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" OFF YOURSELF. MAKE NEW FRIENDS, MAN.

So Kelly tends to Brandon all, "You guys, we are in great shape," and Donna concurs, saying, "Oh, definitely. All the girls in PE class, they're all voting for you," and I am sweet on Donna's hair like this, all That Girl flipped with her headband on. Too bad Good Donna Hair is short-lived. Nothing lasts forever, I guess. ANYway, Brandon's suggesting that, "I should talk about some of the community programs I want to set up," but Kelly nixes this idea all, "Mmm, let's wait until you're in office to make that stuff happen. First you have to win." I hope Kelly gets impeached. FROM LIFE.

Then we're with just the candidates inside the school, and Crater Face Coburn is all, "Hey. If it isn't Bran The Man," and tells Brandon that he's ready, "Not that it matters." And Brandon cliches, "Well, hey, it ain't over 'til it's over," and Crater Face calls Brandon a "novice" and predicts that he (Brandon) will get 80% of the vote. He knows this because as he says, "When you've lost as many times as I have you begin to develop am instinct for these things. You're real popular. And I don't mean you're an airhead or anything, I just, I have never seen anyone mount a slicker campaign," and way to give Brandon's peen a few more strokes there, Crater Face.

So then Brandon throws this poor kid a bone and says, "You got a lot going for you, Crater Face...all the extracurricular activities you've done; you do volunteer work; you're in the honors society. You're really qualified. You were even a student intern at the state capitol last summer," and Crater Face admits that he's really interested in public policy, "especially since it affects the homeless." And Brandon mentions his actually good plan of giving away the surplus food from the cafeteria. And Crater Face says, "That's great. And so, when you get elected you can use the pilot program I set up last summer," and then Brandon realizes that Crater Face would make the better president. But of course he can't withdraw from the race now; he has to wait until a pivotal moment in the debate and then all dramatically throw in the towel and shit, shocking everyone in the process. WHATEVER.

DRY. HEAVE. David: "Mr. Walsh, your proposals, please."

Brandon: "Uh, my first order of business will be to get rock bands every Friday at lunch." And then the crowd cheers. Because they are dolts. 

Crater Face: "How do you plan to implement this?" Brandon: "Well, uhhhhh, contact the bands..." Crater Face: "Uh, it's a little more complicated than that. There are releases and permits and uh, insurance. When I was assistant activities committee chairmen, I uh, brought bands in for the proms. Are you aware of all the red tape involved?" 

Brandon: "No. Not really. But you are. And that's just one of about fifty reasons why you're more qualified to be president than I am. And you've certainly ran a more honorable campaign." 

Kelly: "What is he doing? This is not in our script." Also: Donna's reaction here is INCREDIBLE.

Brandon: "And that's the reason why I'm throwing my support to you...Mr. President." And, HEAVENS TO BETSY, I actually really liked this moment. Maybe because Crater Face Coburn seems like a really nice guy. Aww. And it was TOTES an '80s Movie Moment, with the Guitar Of Recaptured Integrity wailing as Brandon spoke. But instead of all the fucking ninnys in this crowd having a hissy over Brandon stepping out of the race, in the movie they would've slow-clapped and everyone would've Learned A Valuable Lesson.

After the debate, Kelly has lost her boner for Brandon, you know, since he lost all that "power," and complains, "I cannot believe that I wasted two weeks of my life on this." I can't believe I wasted what felt like two weeks writing this thing. And then Steve is nasty and says, "Brandon, you blew it. I was gonna stuff the ballot box for you," and that sentence seems just CHOCK FULL of sexual innuendo, so I'm not going to touch it.

They meet up with these two and AHHHHHHHHNdrea, with her School Marm Vest, is all, "So, maybe you're redeemable after all," and Brenda says, "It's too bad you're still not running. I might've even voted for you," and WHY PEOPLE WHY? Thank god it's not a reality.

So then Kelly and her Topsy Tail take Brenda, wearing...whatever the fuck that Steve SAUNders Special is, aside and ask, "Brenda, um, so how's apartment life?" and Brenda's all, "Pretty powerless," which I think was supposed to be funny. But wasn't. Kelly asks if she wants to hang out later that night, because she's done with Brandon and now needs another Walsh to leech onto? WHATEVER, KELLY. And thankfully Brenda denies her all, "I can't. I have to practice something that I'm writing for audition night at the club. Maybe," which is just really very unfortunate.

So then Noxious David walks up all, "So, Kel. See you in something wet, just you, me, my dad's hot tub," and why no one has ever punched David TO DEATH is just beyond me. And Kelly knows she's going to have to like, titty-fuck David's dong and says, "Campaign debt nightmare begins," and enjoy living in the Hell of your own creation, you witless flooze!

Cut to: House Of Walsh, where Brandon's filling Jim in: "You know, Kelly kept talking about whether or not I wanted to win, but I just didn't want to win that way. Anyway, I can always run a different campaign next semester," which he doesn't. But whatever. And Jim's all, "I'm proud of you [OF COURSE YOU ARE; WHEN ARE YOU NEVER NOT PROUD OF HIM.] And now I can tell you honestly, I uh, hated your campaign video." And Brandon says, "So did I."

And then Brenda appears in the foyer and says, "So did I," and Jim actually seems happy to see his daughter and Brandon's all, "Hey, stranger!" like, you just saw her at school, you turd. 

And then Cindy comes up, and this still does not do her justice, because she looks GREAT. Like, legitimately. Hot, even. It reminds of a '60s Summer At The Shore Look. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS. But it makes sense in my mind, so. WHATEVER. ANYhow, Cindy offers to make Brenda a sandwich, which Brenda jumps on.

So Brenda sees the fridge and says, "Wow, it's so supplied," and Cindy's all, "It's always like this," and HOW LONG HAS BRENDA BEEN GONE? YEARS OR SOMETHING? So Jim asks if she's really back home, like, WHY ARE YOU LEAVING THIS UP TO YOUR UNDERAGE DAUGHTER??? TELL HER TO GET HER ASS BACK HOME. But Brenda tells them that she just came by to get clothes and her equivalency exam, and Cindy reminds her that they told her to forget that and Jim says they're not going to sign it, and Brenda says she was just wondering where it was. THIS IS A SNOOZEFEST. So Brenda heads out of the room, and Cindy's all, "This is killing me. Let's just stop this farce and beg her to come back," AND AGAIN IT'S UP TO YOU THE PARENTS. AM I MISSING SOMETHING??? And Jim suggests, "No, let's drag her back and tell her how much we missed her. Look, we've gotta resist the urge to nurture her right now," and Jim? See above. And then Cindy makes Brenda a care package to take with her and WHATEVER WITH A CAPITAL I AM OVER THIS.

YAWN. Brenda arrives back at Sky's, and the drama queen has positioned herself ever so poutily up against her doorway so that her self-pitying, sad-sack ass is the first thing anyone sees when they come through her (open) door. So Brenda starts with, "Hi. I know, I'm sorry. I tried to get them to leave the furniture," and Sky tells Brenda that it isn't her fault and that "things aren't always what they seem. It's really hard on your own. I didn't want to tell you 'cause you looked up to me; you made me feel so up," and Sky should really savor someone admiring her, because I doubt it will ever happen again. So then she informs Brenda, "You know why I had to go home to my parents? You know what the big family crisis was? Me. I needed money. I'm what you call plain old over-extended." Brenda asks if everything is okay now, and Sky tells her that it is, "compared to the homeless," and can I say GET OVER YOURSELF? PLEASE?

Brenda apparently thinks working in a coffeehouse brings in the big bucks, but Sky, wearing some kind of paisley-print shirt that she apparently borrowed from Brandon, tells her, "Tips from starving artists, myself included, don't exactly pay the bills," like yeah, no shit. She tells Brenda that's she more than welcome to stay, but that she won't blame her for wanting to "leave this depressing floor plan." But Brenda's all, "You're not getting rid of me that easily," and then Non-Witty Sky says, "Well, I got an idea. Why don't you stay here and I'll move in with your mom." OH, YOU!

FUCK. NO. This Antithesis Of Appealing plays ringmaster at The Fallout Club later that whatever: "Wake up, Fallout Victims, it's Amateur Night and anything can happen. AHH! Anything at all!" and OOOOO HOW MADCAP! Except for, YOU GOT IT, the exact opposite of that.

Side-stage, Brenda's freaking out to Sky, who's got some kind of wild animal pelt affixed to her head. Brenda's all, "I can't go through with this," and Sky, who's shirt I find...intriguing, says, "Oh, yes you can," and Brenda reiterates that she can't, all, "You don't know what I wrote, it's so personal," and once you actually hear it, it's...not really all that meaningful. And Mentor Sky is all, "This is all about finding yourself, kid." Whatever, Sky. A few more lines and you're outta here.

Oh, and as Brenda starts to speak, her jerk family comes in all late and shit. WAY TO SHOW YOU CARE, YOU FOOLS.

Okay. Let me just give you Brenda's whole spiel, and then we can meet up afterwards for a good old fashioned mass-suicide: "I, uh, I was thinking of taking my high school equivalency test, getting my own place, being oh-so independent. Where do I shop? Mom's. Hey, the price is right. You know, you think when you leave they're gonna run after you. Well, think again. My brother, my twin brother, my other half [THIS IS NOT NORMAL], takes over my entire room. Double the space, double the pleasure [PORNY!]. Are my parents freaked about my absence, do they yell? No, they're...nice. It made me want to say, wait, I don't wanna grow up yet. You know, being on your own doesn't necessarily mean having your own place, it's about being your own person. You know, it's pretty easy to glomb onto someone else, but the problem is that once you're inside that person [WHAT? GROSS.] no matter how cool they are, you just wanna say, ugh, wait, let me out, I want me. You know what? I think I found me right up here. So, I've decided not to put my high school career on fast forward. I need to practice being my own person before I'm actually on my own. Thank you for listening." Alright. Everyone ready to get their Jonestown Massacre on? I brought the Flavor Aid! 

So she joins the Family Walsh afterwards, and because Cindy has to, she says, "Honey, you were terrific." And Brenda's wondering how they knew to come...

...which was due to Kelly, because as she says, "Safety in numbers," and then when David drapes his arm around her, "Don't press your luck," and then walks away. And David is just such a feeb.

So then Jim asks, "So, you're serious about going back to high school?" which, she never left, you ignoramus. But she answers with, "Yes, Dad, I'm gonna stay in school forever, you're going to have to support me 'til I'm 90," and then, "I've gotta go talk to Sky."

Sky and her frightening...tree-limb-looking...exploding hairdo? are all, "You were so great up there. Well, you're now officially a Fallout Victim," and THAT NEVER GETS OLD. AND BY “NEVER” I OF COURSE MEAN “NEVER SAY THAT FUCKING EVER AGAIN." And Brenda tells her she's flattered, and then Sky asks all coyly, "Listen, um, if you're not gonna use that high school equivalency exam, could I have it? I never leave home without it," like, NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.

Thankfully, Brenda turns her back on Sky, and Jack, and The Fallout Club, which we know because We Never See Them Again. And creatures EVERYWHERE, great and small, rejoice and celebrate, Ewok-party style, because they know they will never have to lay eyes upon Jack again. 

ARE WE QUITE DONE? Back at House Of Walsh: Brenda's...moved back in. Whatever. 

And Brandon's all, "You know, I'm jealous. You had a good experience. You got to hang in a cool apartment, found a talent," and he should really be using finger quotations when he says "talent" but whatever. And Brenda agrees that she did (EXCEPT NOT) and then says, "And you walked away from the Oval Office," which THAT'S HOW EVERYONE WAS ACTING, ANYWAY.

And then Brandon tells her that he did learn something: "I loved having the bathroom to myself." And Brenda tells him that those days are over, and then asks him to autograph his campaign poster, and then there is Comical Drawing and Twinsly Teasing and The Saxophone Of Siblings, which delightfully plays us out to The Black Screen Of (Hopefully) Death's Tender Embrace. FIN. And please never make me revisit this again.


Check you back here next time for "It's Only A Test," and Brenda's Breastical Blues (also known as The Mammary Monologues). SHE MIGHT HAVE CANCER, Y'ALL. Or not. Since the entire microcosm knows that she doesn't. But it's WAYYYYYY dramatic (or the exact opposite). And, SHOCKING I KNOW, Brandon and Kelly make it All About Them, respectively. Would you expect any less? I didn't think so.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.