Season 1; Ep. 16 - Fame Is Where You Find It: What Would Ease The Pain Of Having To Sit Through This One? Crack Cocaine. Crack Cocaine Would Be Helpful.

In which Brandon's already overinflated ego gets engorged even more after he's handpicked to become the next leading man on some teen-centric shit-show. And no, I'm not talking about Beverly Hills, 90210. And Brenda is at once NO NO NO NO NO and FUCK NO when she transforms herself into "Laverne," a god-awfully "New York"-accented, cat-eye-bespectacled, lip-syncing waitress who terrorizes customers at The Peach Pit when filling in for Brandon while he's taking the first, tentative steps towards his EGOT. YES ALL OF THIS IS SERIOUSLY HAPPENING. Grab yourself a vat of Pepto, a pallet of TUMS, and a loaded Beretta (for when - not if - things get a little too alarmingly awkward and uncomfortable and suicide is your only way out) and let's do this.

MY GOD UNFORTUNATELY, we open with this. Brandon's playing hockey all by his lonesome in some park, which looks suspiciously similar to the park where he and Karla "broke-up." I use the term "broke-up" loosely, as THEY ONLY GODDAMN KNEW EACH OTHER FOR ONE GODDAMN WEEK. Moving right along.

I mean...at least it's not a Canadian Tuxedo? His proto-Old Navy cargo pants are hiked up to Jesus, however, and I'm certain that if his hand...pad? protection? glove? weren't in the way, we'd probably being seeing a whole lot of his Little Minnesota.

And then, in another part of the park, MISCHIEF IS AFOOT. 

And this family is completely oblivious to the VERY OBVIOUS creeper looming in the background there, peeking around the tree like some ersatz Boogie Man, just waiting to steal some sandwiches or like, cut the string on their kite. MONSTER.

But no! This totally inept crook actually wanted the woman's purse. Which she was a stupid bitch about and just left laying on the picnic table, all waiting for all the world, or specifically, this guy with his gross, crotch-revealing, light x INFINITY jeans, to thief. 

So he doesn't get very far and then starts rifling through the bag, like, dude? Time to go back to Petty Theft School. And he also kind of gives me a Sparkly Vampire From Those Abortion Twilight Movies vibe, so basically, I want him to be caught, sentenced to life in prison, and sodomized repeatedly every time he takes a shower.

THANK GOODNESS this 35-year-old 2nd grade teacher with her SUPER-Ogilvie-home-permed forelock and MOTHER-FUCKING Steve SAUNders Special is there to save the day! She lays down the the truth talk on him: "Looking for something? Don't make me turn you in, Kirk."

And then Criminal Kirk is all, "Well, don't make me use this. I'll do it. I swear, I'll do it!" and we're maybe three minutes in to this and I already want to take a nap. Or a lethal injection of say, codeine with a potassium chloride chaser.

Oh, but this plucky gal sees right through Kirk! And dispenses some down-home wisdom that only someone dressed and coiffed like that could offer: "You wanna cut me? Go ahead. But you know that won't solve anything. Oh, god, you have so much to live for. Don't throw it all away. Not now, not like this," and Curly Sue, you guys? She is so wise.

But wait! None of that was real at all! WHAT THE WHAT? This guy, wearing the Kmart version of a Cosby sweater and poop-colored trousers, yells, "Cut! Print! Beauty!" whatever the fuck that means. So yeah. The last five minutes of our lives were devoted to watching a crap hatch of a show within a crap hatch of a show. Too bad I got so invested in what I thought were new characters. Except for the exact opposite of that. 

And then Curly Sue heads over to the director guy and says, "Is that what you had in mind, Jake?" and Jake is apparently a fucking predator and says, "Lydia, that was killer, that was pure goose flesh time," like, I don't know why what he said ooked me out so much, but I think I see Jake making himself a Lydia-skin lampshade in the near future.

Just then, this harried-looking assistant-type runs up to Predator Jake, wearing the second-worst hat of the episode (don't worry, we'll get to the first) and says, "Jake, we're in trouble. The kid you cast as the surfer dude is in the hospital with food poisoning," and suggests rescheduling, and Jake's all, "This is not Shakespeare here. This is some crummy little scene we're doing. Any jerk off the street can do this," and I think what he meant to say was, "Any jerk off can do this," and GEE, I WONDER WHO THAT JERK OFF WILL BE.

YUP. So the assistant type runs up to Brandon, and they make unfunny about him being a member of SAG or not, and she says they need someone to fill in on the show Keep It Together, and let me get a little bit schecky right now and say I'M HAVING A REAL HARD TIME AS I TRY DESPERATELY TO KEEP IT TOGETHER WATCHING THIS PAINFULLY BORING SCENE WAKA WAKA. ANYhow, Brandon says that Brenda's a huge fan of said show (why would Assistant Type care about that? She wouldn't.), and then asks what he would have to do, and Assistant Type says, "Um, you go up to the girl and say 'hey babe, looking real good, babe'," and that sounds like something Fuckwit Brandon would actually say to a member of the opposite sex, so of course he's all in and he's gonna do just fine.

And AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA X ALL THE INFINITIES IN ALL THE COSMOS IN ALL THE MULTIVERSE. First of all, I bet Steve would TOTALLY wear this, NON-ironically, and secondly AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So then this complete and utter embarrassment, I mean LOOK AT HIM MY LORD, wearing the clothing version of a retinal detachment, wanders into a trailer and, not recognizing Lydia, asks, "Is this makeup?" and Lydia's all, "That's what they tell me," and Brandon says, "Well, I need uh, more of a tan, or less of a tan, I don't know," and I think what you need more of, Brandon, is new hair, a new best friend (ahem, STEVE), new clothing, and a new goddamn personality, and what you need less of is THAT FUCKING UPCHUCK-LADEN ENSEMBLE.

So Lydia pretends to be the makeup artist, and Brandon's all, "So, think you can do something with this mug?" and if that "something" is to pummel it unrecognizable with a laptop, I'M ALL OVER THAT. And then he blathers on about, "My sister'd die if she knew where I was," and Lydia asks why, and Brandon says, "Well, she's the actress in the family, or wants to be. Every once in a while I catch her thanking the Academy. And for some strange reason Keep It Together is still her favorite show," like, fine, he doesn't know this is Lydia, the star of the show. But he still probably shouldn't be flapping his gums about how it sucks a turd to someone who works on the set, considering HE'S NOW WORKING ON IT HIMSELF, like, Brandon is such a low-rent loser, I can't even STAND IT.

GAG ME. ANYhow, Lydia deduces that he's not a fan of the show, and Brandon continues on with his shit-brickery all, "Well, I haven't checked it out lately. Like since I was about ten. But it used to be one of those squeaky clean shows where by some miracle every problem got solved just in time for the last commercial," like, OH HOW VERY META OF THE WRITERS SINCE THAT'S WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF 90210 IN THE FIRST SEASON, LIKE, CURTIS, ANYONE? MELISSA? LATINA KARLA? WHATEVER. And then he says, "Hey, no offense, but as far as I can tell the only good thing about the show is Lydia Leeds...anyone ever tell you you kind of look like her?"

And Lydia looks at him like this, and I love her for it. And she's got a good face. Not cookie-cutter, but it's cute and has personality. And I can't lie: my Fantastic Sam's perm looked very similar to this in 1991. And then Lydia says she "gets it all the time," and then Assistant Type comes in and says, "Lydia, rehearsal," and Lydia's all, "Tell them I'll be just a minute, I have to finish...what's your name?" and Brandon's all, "Douche Nozzle," but not really, and then Lydia says, "...Mr. Walsh's highlights, I didn't do his lips yet," and HUH? I know nothing about TV-and-movie makeup, but I didn't realize that men had to do anything with their lips. But I'm certain whatever she does will look just lovely alongside Brandon's Blush-And-Bashful rouge-highlighted cheekbones.

And then Jake's explaining to Brandon, "Alright, here's the scene: you skate by, you notice Lydia, so you stop, you come back and then you say your line, hey, babe I like your looks, yada yada, but then, you have to hold for a count of three. Can you handle that?" and I, for one, cannot handle Brandon's Navajo-y jam pants, and need to go slow-slide myself down the tile wall into a bath tub full of antifreeze, the blood from my slitted wrists, and my salty, salty tears.

So "roll tape, action," whatever, Mega-Dork Lydia says her line, "Bye! See ya later!"

And then PUKE BRANDON rolls by with his line, all, "Hey, babe. Lookin' good. Real good, babe," and instead of Lydia's character throwing sulfuric acid in his face, she just says, "Really?" and WOW the acting and line delivery on this fake show are nearly as wretched as the ones on the actual show I'm watching!

And then the scene is wrapped and these two flirt...or Lydia just laughs and laughs and laughs at Brandon's ghastly duds, and now I'm not sure if those pants are Navajo-y, or if they have robots on them, but either way, HOLD MY HAIR BACK WHILE I REGURGITATE MY DINNER INTO THE TOILET, and Jake and Assistant Type are all talking about Brandon's apparently "terrific" performance FUCKING FUCK NO and then Jake says, "You know, this kid is as good-looking as Sean," and let me just stop Jake right there and love-up on Brandon (GROSS) a little when I say, "NO, HE'S FOJILLIONS TIMES BETTER-LOOKING THAN SEAN," like, you'll see. And then Assistant Type says, "The princess seems to like him," which means that Lydia is going to show her true, snatchy colors very shortly. WHATEVER.

Cut to: House Of Walsh, later that night. Brandon's wearing his Tony Manero necklace and probably another Guatemalan friendship bracelet that he got out of a quarter-machine inside the grocery store. And he's filling the fam in on his day, and like, wouldn't a 16-year-old probably need parental consent to act on a TV show? But silly me, I forgot that in Beverly Hills, underage teens can jump out of airplanes, rent hotel rooms to fuck in, and now apparently become small-screen actors, all without having to bother their Garbage People Parents at all. ANYhow, Brandon's mid-story, "So here I totally ragged on her show and she didn't even hold it against me. In fact, she was really cool about it."

And Brenda, wearing more fecal smear-colored clothing MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HER SEASON 2 WARDROBE WE'RE ALMOST THERE I CAN SEE THE LIGHT and a horrible Donna Headband, makes the same look I always make towards Brandon and says, "I cannot believe that you're going to be on Keep It Together." And no one with a television will be able to believe it either, Bren, since Brandon couldn't act his way out of a recycled-fifteen-times paper bag that now has the thickness of the skin of an onion.

And then Cindy, whose hair is I believe going backwards in terms of heinousness, and Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh, looking the same as always, are all excited for their Little Prince, and then the phone rings and Jim goes to answer it. And Cindy's peppering Brandon with questions all, "So, what was it like?" and he says, "It was fun. I don't know if I'd want to do it everyday," and Jim gives Brandon the phone with a "It's for you. The production office," and Brandon says he forgot to sign a form and CUT TO THE MOTHER-FUCKING CHASE. So Jim asks which show Keep It Together is, and Cindy attempts to explain but gets Lydia's character's name wrong, so Brenda fills them in: "It's Skipper. And she's not an orphan anymore. She finally got adopted by the Carswell-Smythe family," and that sounds like it would wear real thin after about a season-and-a-half. And also: I'M STILL BORED.

So Brandon gets off the phone and says that the show has a part for him, and WOW, Keep It Together sure scrapes the bottom of the barrel for their "talent," eh? And then Brenda doesn't believe it and makes fun of him, which someone should do to Brandon each and every episode.

Later, Brenda and her poopy-colored velvet headband afterbirth are talking on the phone with Kelly, griping, "He has all the luck. It is so sickening. And now the producers love him, I mean, they're writing new scenes for him," and Kelly, Star-Fucker Extraordinaire who will now set her sights on Brandon, says, "Are you serious?" and Brenda's all, "Yeah, he's like this new guest star on their next episode and Lydia Leeds is his new best friend," and no one wants to be best friends with Brandon. No one. Except for Steve. But that doesn't count, since Steve is subhuman.

So then OF COURSE Kelly knows Lydia and is all, "Oh, she used to be really sweet, but I bet she's totally stuck up now," like, PEOPLE IN SLUTTY GLASS OFFICE-BUILDING HOUSES, TWAT.

And then Brenda needs to take a bubble bath, probably in antifreeze just like me, and she's also probably super-psyched about being able to peel off her Yeast Infection Jeans, considering they appear to have relocated to her cervix.

Unfortunately for her, Johnny Hollywood over here comes into the bathroom to ask her a favor: "Listen, there was one little thing I was hoping you help me out with. I need someone to cover for me at The Peach Pit. Someone I trust to give me the job back after this acting thing plays itself out," and seriously, what an immense sack of stool.

So Brenda basically denies Brandon, telling him, "So, in other words, while you get to be on TV with Lydia Leeds I get to serve pie to the uh, what did you call them last week? Oh, yes! 'The tightwads of America'," and now I can see that her jeans have given her at least 7 camel toes. She also says that she doesn't think that Nat would even hire her, and tells Brandon to find another replacement. Brandon then tells her that he really did tell the production team about her (YEAH RIGHT) but that they needed a guy, and Brenda's all, "Duh! Of course they need a guy; don't you ever read TV Guide? Sean Judson is leaving the show over a salary dispute," and Brandon says, "Well, I'm no Sean Judson," and Brandon, TRUST ME ON THIS, you do not want to be Sean Judson. You especially don't want to look like him.

So then Brenda asks, "And what will you do for me?" meaning, if she fills in at The Pit. And then the Wacky Keyboard Of The Sassy Sister Sibling starts up and Brandon offers up the top two drawers in the bathroom (WHATEVER) and then Brenda says she wants His Green Fucking Shirt (That Will Never Fucking Die).

Yes, The Very Same One As Fifty-Seven Other Episodes, Including "Higher Learning." Also, Brandon? You hair is still a seeping anal wound.

So then we're at The Peach Pit later...that night? I guess? Brandon's wearing the same shirt, anyway. What time is it? And what time do the Walshes tuck into dinner? ANYI'MPATHETIC, Brandon and Brenda are there to talk to Worthless Nat about Brenda filling in, which I think would involve a little more red tape than just "Here's an apron. Order up on five!" or some shit. Like, paperwork and stuff, no? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I CARE. And then Nat is going on about Brandon's Greatness HEAVE all, "I knew from the first night you walked in with Dylan, I said to myself, Nat, this kid's a comer," and WHAT WHAT WHAT??? That sounds...vulgar. And, porny.

And then they head over to Brenda (WEARING WHAT ELSE), who's sitting next to this rando guy, who Nat refers to as Sal...which is also the name of Nat's dad or uncle or some shit, but we won't find about that out until later, so never mind. And Brandon has the decency to say, "Nat, it's only a small part," and Cliche Nat is all, "There are no small parts, only small actors," and BRANDON CERTAINLY FITS THAT DESCRIPTION.

So Nat FINALLY takes a break from licking Brandon's bunghole and Brandon asks about Brenda working there for him and Nat says, "Well, she obviously got all the looks in the family," CAN I GET AN AMEN and then to Brenda, "Are you sure you wanna have dishpan hands?" and Brenda's still totally unsure, but because Brandon is a festering boil, he steamrolls right over everyone and says that the customers will love Brenda, she'll do great, WHATEVER. And he says it will only be for a couple of weeks, max. And STILL FUCKING WORTHLESS NAT is STILL ALLLLL up Brandon's butt saying, "Wait a minute – don't sell yourself short; you don't know what it's gonna be. Your career could take off," and Brenda and I both snicker and say, "What career?" and Nat totally ignores her and continues on: "One thing for you to remember, when you're a star, don't let all of that Hollywood hoopla go to your head," and Nat? PLEASE GO TAKE A DIRT NAP. But Brandon does secretly think he's going to hit the big time, but assures Nat he'll remain modest, all, "Hey, there's no need to worry about that. I know who I am: Brandon Walsh, a regular kinda guy from Minnesota. And nothin' is gonna change that at all." And have I said WHATEVER in the last five minutes?

KEEEEEEEEE-RIST. We're at West Bev the following whatever, and David has stolen Crispin Glover's hair. And Dorothy Zbornak's shirt. And he's informing Brandon, "It'll just be a couple of routine questions like, what's your favorite color, or what'd you have for breakfast this morning," AND IS THIS TRULY HAPPENING???

And Brandon, who isn't dressed like white trash for once in his goddamn life, I mean, he looks, dare I say, handsome in his Non-Rob Lowe In St. Elmo's Fire Blazer and t-shirt (although I really need to see what that shirt has on it; if it's ferrets or weasels or meerkats or the like I take back everything I just said), has some shame stored up somewhere and says, "I really think it's premature to be interviewing me, David," and "I worked for one day, I said one line; West Beverly is loaded with kids who grew up in the industry," and I'm certain Kelly has fucked them all. But David basically says that it's different with Brandon because he's working with Lydia Leeds, and OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. So Brandon suggests that David interview her then; David pops a Woodrow over this and Brandon says he'll put in a good word. And then David ensures that I will hate him, Always And Forever, when he sends Brandon off with, "Ciao!"

And then I hate him EVEN MORE HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE when he gets on the airwaves and says, "Let's hear it for Brandon Walsh for landing a role on the hit series Keep It Together, staring Lydia 'The Lovecat' Leeds, a boffo socko [FUCKING WHAT?] match in the making. This one's for you, big guy," and then he plays the Keep It Together theme song and thinks he's fucking Casey Kasem or some shit and then I pour boiling hot cooked macaroni on my legs in order to distract myself from all things David.

So as Brandon walks down the hall, AMAZINGLY embarrassed by David's display, 41-year-old Steve, wearing a sweatshirt he borrowed from my dad, along with jeans that should be lit on fire and then shat on, and Dylan, looking relatively attractive in a Non-Steve SAUNdered blue button-up with his hair looking mighty fine, approach him, and OF COURSE Steve is The Worst Of The Worst and says, "Hey, Bran! Who's your agent?" and Dylan's all, "Looks to me like you've already got one," whatever that means. And then Steve says that Brandon needs a bodyguard, like, HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN ON TV YET. THE HELL??? And how did it get out so quickly that he's going to be on some teen soap garbage program anyway?

Cut to: This trio, heading outside for lunch, and it goes without saying that their jeans are all monstrous. Just absolute atrocities. And Brenda's jacket could be cute if it was 17 times smaller. ANYway, Brenda's freaking out about her gig at The Peach Pit all, "What am I gonna do?" and Kelly unhelpfully replies with, "Brenda, how hard can it be? The fork goes on the left, the the knife and spoon go on the right. And the napkins go in the dispenser," and like you've ever set a table, Blondie. Go find some Teen Actor to blow and CALL IT A LIFE.

And then they see Brandon being swarmed by all of these fangirls, and first of all, AS IF, and second of all I REPEAT, HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN. ON. TELEVISION. YET. These people are all nitwits. And Brenda continues whining, "This is so unfair. I mean, I'm the one with all the talent; I'm the one who used to dance around the living room singing showtunes," and Donna is somewhat charming and says, "Oh, I did that, too. But I was always off-key."

So Brenda tells the fair-haireds that she was even thinking of putting together a comedy routine and once again I say NO NO NO NO NO FUCKING FUCK TO THE FUCK NO. Just wait until Brenda and her new "Intellectual" Beatnik-y LOSER (this cannot be stressed enough) friends are doing "comedy" in the next episode, "Stand (Up) And Deliver." I promise you: if you don't want to commit suicide or a violent crime against a wall, door, hubcap, etc. after this episode, you most DEFINITELY will after the next one. So then Kelly says, "Oh, I would die first. You'd be so exposed." And I wholeheartedly agree with Kelly.

BREATHE. BREATHE. DEEP BREATH IN. DEEP BREATH OUT. OKAY. HERE WE GO. So Brenda, not helping by wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK, responds to Kelly with, "But you play somebody else," and then, in The Most Abominable British Accent Ever Recorded says, "Ya a charactah, and ya not relly you, do ya see whut I mean?" and I can't do it the non-justice it deserves, and then things go from bad to worse when she adopts a Valley Girl lilt and says, "Like, wow! Like, fur sure! It's like, totally radical!" and I hate Brenda. I HATE BRENDA. And then FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, Kelly and Donna ENCOURAGE HER TO DO MORE, so she segues into A FUCKING NIGHTMARE NEW JERSEYIAN ACCENT AND SAYS, "Oh, uh, quit bustin' my chops, I'm sicka sittin' around here, uh, jambonin' with you guys, ya know what I mean," and then I went and had a stroke and am currently waiting to find out if I will ever have the use of my left side again.

And then Kelly, LAUGHING WHY, playfully throws popcorn at Brenda. When she should've non-playfully thrown a live grenade. Donna, in her cute, forest green blazer, is having a far more appropriate reaction here, i.e. she's gone into a fugue state.

And I never thought I'd be glad to see Brandon, but THANK GOD HE'S THERE TO PUT AN END TO THIS LUNACY and he says, "Last week, they didn't even know I was alive," and Probably Hollywood Madame To The Stars Kelly says all knowingly, "Last week you weren't hanging out with Lydia Leeds," and WHAT IS THE BIG GODDAMN DEAL? And then Kelly again makes like she's Seen It All and says, "Showbiz kids live in their own little world."

And then Poor (Soon-To-Be-Dead) Scott comes up for his one line of the episode and says to Brandon, "Your limousine's here," like I'm assuming at this point, the writers knew Scottie was going to be written out of the show, but Douglas Emerson still had a contract or something and they had to fulfill it by throwing non-pivotal dialogue his way. I mean, probably. Also: I owned a windbreaker very similar to Scott's in middle school. Because I was mad fashionable.

So Brandon gives his books to Brenda to take home and heads over to the limo, and when the driver opens the back door, this is what greets him, and she's all breathy with, "Hi, Brandon." And if I was Brandon, I probably would've slammed the door in her face, given the state of her Jane Fonda Jazzercise gear and creepy, glazed over eyes.

But Brandon did get in. And they arrive at the studio some time later, with Lydia giving the driver specific instructions about taking care of her puppy: "Don't forget, soak the puppy chow really well, he likes it soft and mushy," like, why the fuck is the limo driver taking care of her dog??? Anyway, she signs an autograph for a fan and then tells Brandon, "Ohhhh, my doggie's only six-weeks old! I miss him so much!" and way to pass him off on your hired help, Lyds. Guess she's just getting an early start with the whole Negligent Beverly Hills Parent thing.

So then...THOUGHTS. ALL THE THOUGHTS. She is wearing a heather-gray, bikini-cut diaper over her pants, that's all there is to it. Maybe she's got urinary incontinence when she works out or something. ANYhow, Brandon asks how many autographs she's signed in her career, and she doesn't seem all that thrilled when she says, "'Bout six gajillion," and continues on with how it would bother her if people weren't  coming up and asking for one. And then some kid comes up and asks for Brandon's John Hancock (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) and Lydia tells him to get used to it, and that "with Sean being written out of the show, you could be a recurring character." She also tells him it was fate, and that she doesn't make a habit of giving people rides to the set. And then I rolled my eyes so forcefully that they did a full 360 in my skull.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So, Predator Jake gives us this ulcerative colitis-inducing low-down on the scene they're about to shoot: "Okay, here we are. Now, there's a party in the next room, you see each other, you want each other, you get each other. Now I want juicy, but not too juicy. Big but not over the top, but lots of heat. Gotta feel the heat. Make me sweat [???????????????????] Let's do it," and GO DIRECT SOME PORNO IN THE VALLEY YOU HARD-UP PIECE OF SHIT.

UGH. Next we go through a MILLIONTINE outtakes from the scene. Basically, they're at a party, and Lydia's character finds Brandon's character in some horridly-decorated bedroom and says, "I was hoping you'd be here." And then there is macking. And "Cut! Print! That was brilliant! (WHATEVER)" from Jake. And Brandon wondering why they have to do it again if it was brilliant. And Lydia telling him that Jake likes to get a lot of takes to beat off to later. I mean, I assume. And stepping on toes (Brandon). And "that was nice" (Lydia). And at long last, a peaceful coma (me).

Later that evening, 'round the Walsh dinner table, Brandon thinks he's Lorenzo Lamas or some shit and says, "Anyway, the director said I was a natural," and INFINITY WHATEVERS BRANDON.

And Cindy, wearing her Old Man Sweater And Doing What She Always Does (i.e., Cooking Or Washing Dishes), asks if he works the following day and Brandon's all fucking Tom Cruise now and says, "Yeah. But I got a late call. You know, they shoot these things out of order and every scene has a number. It's very complicated," and yes, it sounds like brain surgery, you fucking clod.

But Brenda is awesome and says, "Yes, well, not as fascinating as one would've thought. Excuse me, I have to go change and and get grubby now," and as she leaves, Brandon realizes that he, too, has to get changed, and Jim's all, "Brandon, I don't think you should be going out to a party on a weeknight," and Brandon, now suddenly a member of an Early-90s Brat Pack, says, "Dad, it's not a party. It's a networking thing [PUKE]; it's a place where a lot of young actors go to get away from the crowds and the media and stuff. And hopefully I'll OD outside the Viper Room like River Phoenix will in a couple of years." Only maybe not that last part. Brandon also assures Jim that he's getting his school work done, and that there's a teacher on set: "She's very scholastic; she's writing a spec script for Twin Peaks," and if Jason Priestley is anything like Brandon The TV Actor, he should seriously be garrotted. And then the doorbell rings, and Lydia's early to pick him up and he tells his parents to stall for him and Cindy runs to get a camera and NO ONE CARES.

So Brandon runs upstairs and starts rummaging through the bathroom drawers, but Brenda reminds him that they're no longer his. And he asks to borrow a comb and Brenda denies him and I forgive her for her bowel-disrupting accents from earlier in the episode.

And then Brandon tells her that The Lydia Leeds is downstairs right now. And can I say: BIG DEAL. So Brenda is freaked and nervous about meeting Lydia and WHATEVER. This is so beyond lame, I can't even.

And then we're back downstairs, where Lydia is wearing...things, and totally giving Jim the brush off, like, MARRY ME, LYDIA. Apparently someone Jim knows is Lydia's business manager, and Lydia couldn't care less if she tried. Her appalling crushed velvet dress and quilted eyesore jacket with bronze LAMÉ sleeves are completely forgotten. Except not because they are a sign of the apocalypse.

So then Cindy calls Jim away to help her find film for the camera, but not before Jim's able to disgustingly introduce Brenda to Lydia as Brandon's "better half," and WHAT THE HOLY MOTHER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE GET HELP.

Minus the slouchy socks she apparently borrowed from Steve, Brenda looks adorable. And she starts in on Lydia saying, "We have a friend in common?" And Lydia, not looking any better from the back, asks, "Oh, who's that?" And Brenda says, "Kelly Taylor."

And then Lydia is PURE GREATNESS and makes this constipated look and shakes her head a little and then says, "Who?" AHAHAHAHAHAHA! And Brenda's all, "From elementary school. Kelly Taylor, Donna Martin," and Lydia, having NO shits to give about either of those two, dismissively says, "Oh, yeah. Yeah right, right." Oh, Lydia! Too bad I have to go back to hating you now.

So then Lydia asks about Brenda's acting aspirations. And Brenda, who needs to trim up her bangs a bit, says all proudly, "Well, yeah, I was Juliet in Romeo and Juliet," and Twat Lydia is all, "In stock?" like, GIMME A BREAK, and Brenda responds, "No, 7th grade...not that what you do when you're twelve years old really matters that much," and Lydia, who should really reconsider a friendship with Awful Kelly, says, "When I was twelve years old I got my second TV Guide cover and my first Golden Globe award." SHUT IT, SMUG BITCH. And Brenda is my hero and says all sarcastically, "Well, I can't top, now can I?"

So then hemorrhoid Brandon comes down the stairs wearing the shirt he bequeathed to Brenda, and some kind of beat tie with dandelions? or hedgehogs? all over it, and Lydia loves the shirt and Brenda gives him the furry eyeball, but what she should've given him was like, a sling blade to the carotid artery.

And then we're at The Pit, and Brenda's frazzled and freaked and hating life. And Brandon. Which goes without saying, ALWAYS. And her shirt is actually very pretty and has some kind of embroidery on it. And she's trying to keep all of the orders in...order, and is that Pepe to her right? Maybe she can ask him for help.   And Worthless Nat is being, WHAT ELSE, and barking orders at Brenda, like hey, Nat? Maybe you could help the person who has never waited on tables before. Or maybe not have hired her to fill in in the first place. And then the zany high jinks continue when this happens:

Yep. Brenda has spilled apparently ice cold soup on this customer, given that he's not yowling in pain or rolling around on the ground or calling his lawyer to initiate a lawsuit for the third degree burns he received as a result of Brenda's ineptitude and clumsiness. I wish I knew the word "whatever" in multiple other languages, because I would use ALL of them RIGHT NOW.

SATAN'S SWEET EMBRACE, we're at the "networking thing" with Brandon and Lydia, who looks fifteen loads better sans the demon jacket she was sporting before. And Brandon's all Starstruck Yokel, "You know, I keep thinking everyone in here looks familiar, but then I realize of course they are, they're all on TV," and then he like, picks his teeth with a piece of wheat stalk. And then Lydia points out some "Peter Bremer" and Brandon's like, "Wasn't he on Kibby And Me?" and THAT'S NOT A REAL NAME STOP STOP STOP IT. And Lydia, Starlet In The Know, tells him, "Was. The show got canceled; he's so depressed it's pathetic," and I would venture to say that Brandon's Glen Gear is also pathetic, but whatever. And then they come upon...

...hey! Look who it is! And I really like both Joan and Melissa Rivers, so let's get that out of the way right now. And now I'm really curious to see if Tears And Laughter: The Joan And Melissa Rivers Story, starring Joan and Melissa Rivers, is on Netflix. If not, I'm writing a letter. ANYway, she's a really awful actress and pretty much just looks like this the entire time. And she says "hi" to Lydia.

And Lydia's all simpering and fakey back with, "Hi, Melissa Rivers." And Melissa Rivers is RAD and says, "So, who's the new flavor of the week?" which is also nauseating, seeing as Brandon shouldn't be the flavor of anyone's week. And Lydia's all, "Very funny, Melissa Rivers," and Melissa Rivers continues her fantastic-ness (although her delivery could use YEARS OF WORK) and tells Brandon, "Have fun while it lasts," and Lydia's all pissy, "Goodbye, Melissa Rivers." Also: Brandon appears to be sensing that there's something rotten in Denmark, and that Lydia will eventually royally fuck him over.

So then they find a table, and Lydia gives Brandon the dish on Melissa Rivers: "You just met the luckiest girl in this town, and the only reason she has a career is because her uncle is like this really big producer," and this all sounds very familiar. A name that rhymes with Lori Felling? No?

So then Brandon chides Lydia all, "Let me ask you something: is there anybody here you like?" which she ignores and then says, "You know, you don't strike me like a kid from Beverly Hills High School," and then Brandon OF COURSE responds, "Well, maybe that's because I go to West Beverly," which is a running "joke" that will never, ever get old. Except for the exact opposite of that. And then Brandon, fishing for compliments, says, "I hope I didn't come off like too much of a rank amateur today," and I'd wholeheartedly agree with the "rank" part, but whatever.

And THANK GOD FOR LYDIA because she asks, "At what? Acting or kissing?" and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and also, I would bank on the fact that he's lousy at both, but because he's a dried-out dingle, Brandon comes back with, "Well, I've been told I know how to kiss," like, by who? Pig Dog Sheryl? Again, I say BIG DEAL. And unfortunately, Lydia's all flirty and says she'd have to agree with that. And Brandon comments on how it's so weird to do it in front of all the cameras and production crew, and Lydia, Consummate Actress, says, "Yeah, you know my first kiss ever was on the show, four years ago...with Sean, in fact. And every talk show host kept asking me about it. It was so embarrassing," and then Brandon thinks he's Bruce Willis in Die Hard and says, "I woulda told them to take a flier," like, WHATEVER, John McClane.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that at some point in here, we cut back to The Peach Pit and the garbage bag Brenda's handling rips open and a bunch of stunt trash falls out and Brenda gets all teary-eyed. Once more: WHATEVER.

Back to these two. Lydia has somehow managed to get Brandon out on the dance floor, but THANK ALL THE HEAVENS it's a slow song and there's very little of this:

PRAISE EVERYTHING.

So ANYway, as they're swaying along to the music, they have a FUCKING SUPER-AWKWARD, QUIET CONVERSATION, where he tells her he plays hockey on Sundays and she asks if he'll do her a favor and he says, "What?" and "Yes, yes, I will," WHAT? and she says, "Why don't you ask me to come and watch sometime," and THE. HELL??? Is this supposed to be Sexy Talk? I think being a Child Actor has stunted Lydia's social skills.

Cut over to Melissa Rivers and THIS: The Man, The Myth, The Mongoloid, Sean Judson. Whose boobs are hanging out, like, PUT 'EM AWAY, MUTANT. And Melissa Rivers is all, "Hey, Sean," and this beast SERIOUSLY SAYS, "Whassup?" like, Sean? Take your moobs and go FLING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF TRAIN. And Melissa Rivers is all like, "Lydia's here. With your competition," and you know I don't fancy myself a Brandon Fan, but GOD THERE IS NO COMPETITION. Sean is...grotesque.

And then he goes over and STARES at Brandon and Lydia dancing, and his bangs rival what mine looked like in the 5th grade.

And then Lydia kisses Brandon and looks at Sean like THIS to make him jealous? or something, like, WHAT WHAT WHAT and it's really creepy and as Jake would say, "Pure goose-flesh time." And then Brandon is an ignorant patsy and says, "It's definitely better without all those lights in your face."

Next morning, House Of Walsh. I LOVE Brenda's dress. This is more like it KEEP IT UP, BREN. And her hair looks FABULOUS as Brandon tells her, "It's your shirt. I just borrowed it," and Brenda's all, "Well, you can keep it because I'm never going back there again!" and Brandon says, "Brenda, you can't do that to Nat," like, what do you call bailing on your actual job and getting your completely-inexperienced-as-a-waitress sister to fill in for you, you fool?

They wind up in Brenda's room, and Brandon asks her to do it for just one more night, and Brenda echoes my sentiments when she says, "Why, so you can go network with the Brat Pack?" and seriously. And then Brandon gets his (WHAT'S NEW) Patented Abrasive Brandon Face on and is all, "What are you saying, that I've gone Hollywood? Look, Brenda, just because the new lady in my life happens to be in the public eye doesn't mean that I've changed." And Brenda doesn't buy it, "The only Brandon I know would never fall head over heels for such a superficial, self-centered snob, who changes boyfriends on a weekly basis," and actually, Bren, that's exactly what he does, and continues to do with someone named Kelly "Vagina Vortex" Taylor, but you'll be in London by the time that Nightmare Relationship begins, THANK THE LORD.

And then Brandon, Seasoned Hollywood Player, says, "What, do you believe everything you read in the tabloids?" and Brenda is all, "No, but I don't have stars in my eyes, either," and Brandon is SUCH a blockhead and says, "This is really bogus. I can't deal with you if you're gonna be like this. If you don't want to work at The Peach Pit, fine. If you wanna pick a fight with me because you're jealous, fine. Just don't go slammin' somebody you don't even know!" And THANK GOODNESS Brenda's there to tell him, "As if you know her so well," and FUCKING FOR REAL. And Brandon, who's about to get his well-deserved comeuppance, says, "I know her better than you think," and Brenda tells him that he's changed, like, RIGHT? It's been what, THREE DAYS and he's already this all-out, egomaniacal MONSTER. Way to keep that vanity in check, Bran The Man (see: the next episode).

And OH FUUUUUUUUUUCK, Brandon, who ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE SUCH INCREDIBLE SUNGLASSES, says, "Yeah, well. Maybe it's for the better." Yeah, well, maybe I'M GOING TO RIP THOSE AWESOME SHADES OFF OF YOUR UNWORTHY ASS-MUNCH FACE.

At Bev...OOPS, I MEAN WEST BEV HAHAHAHAHA, this trifecta is headed to lunch. Again. And Kelly's Hellfire jacket has hammered the final nail into the coffin which holds my stomach lining. I have no idea what the dress looks like underneath because the jacket, with SEE-THROUGH SLEEVES and UPPER-BREAST DAISY APPLIQUES, has also permanently blotted out my vision. That jacket is making Donna's lace-trimmed biker shorts look like a good idea. Brenda continues to look great, having added a blazer over her super-cute dress from before.

And she's making me rethink my disdain for cowboy boots. Which is saying A LOT. ANYhow, she continues to bitch about Brandon, which WHO CAN BLAME HER, and says, "For two days, every time I walk down the hall somebody stops me to talk about Brandon. And Brandon only wants to talk about Lydia, and then he accuses me of being jealous," and Donna says that she would be, which...whatever Donna. Brenda continues griping, "I'm too angry to be jealous. I mean, he wrangles me in to taking over his job, his boss thinks I'm a a stupid klutz, the customers hate me because they think I'm too young and inexperienced," and Kelly, being nice for once in her fucking existence, says, "Brenda, I'm sure they don't hate you," and Brenda says that they sure act like it, and Kelly astutely points out, "No, I think they act that way because they're hungry," and then Donna chimes in with, "Hungry people are notorious for being rude and obnoxiated," and I RAN THIS BACK SEVERAL TIMES, AND I SWEAR, DONNA SAYS "OBNOXIATED," RATHER THAN “OBNOXIOUS.” I...WHAT??? CUT THE SCENE AND START OVER, YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT SHOW.

And then Brenda tells them that every time she gets around The Peach Pit she gets very self-conscious, like WHY? Look at Nat and Nat's hair and Nat's clothing and Nat's "sense of humor." You have absolutely nothing to be self-conscious about, Brenda. And Donna, Spoiled Princes, tells her to quit, and Brenda doesn't want to give Brandon the satisfaction and Kelly suggests, "Try not to take it so seriously," and Brenda responds with, "What am I supposed to do, pretend like I know what I'm doing?" and then we sit there for five minutes as some clever (NO) scheme occurs to Brenda and she gets this look on her face and NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS PLAN COME TO FRUITION.

So then we're back on the Keep It Together set, and Assistant Type apparently never changes her clothes, and she talks into her little headset all, "Walsh just arrived, I'll send him down," and then to Brandon: "Here's some new pages, they need you in makeup." And Brandon's ALL confused and says, "Whoa, hey, this is a whole new scene, what happened to 46?" and Assistant Type is all, "46 was cut," and Brandon slowly starts to realize the Cold Hard Truth Of Tinseltown as he naively says, "That's my big scene!"

And then Lydia strolls by in her Short Program ice skating costume and Brandon thinks she cares and tells her, "They cut our scene," and Lydia, Cutthroat Ingenue, is all, "Oh, I know. They're rewriting the whole script. I'm late, I gotta go," but Brandon is still pitiful and says, "Oh, hey, wait a second. I had a really good time last night."

And then up comes Mongoloid Sean, wearing his favorite sweater from County Seat, and charmingly says to Lydia, "Hey, Lyd. Move your butt. Jake's hemorrhaging, wants us to run lines," like, WHAT A PRIZE. And as Mongoloid Sean walks away, Brandon gets all concerned with, "What's he doing here?" and Lydia is all heartless and replies, "Oh, Sean decided to come to terms with the producers; he said he missed me. Bye." WHAT.EV.ER. Also: I think the facade behind them there is actually the House Of Walsh.

HERE WE GO. And I currently have the same expression on my face as does the man walking into The Peach Pit behind Brenda. RUN, MAN. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

So Nat and his Blue Collar Hair perplexedly ask, "Brenda?"

So in a shabby New York...ish? accent, Brenda says, "No. Brenda couldn't make it. I'm Laverne," only she says it like "LaVOYne" and then I start frantically reciting The Serenity Prayer and crying tears of blood.

And then MY GOD KELLY MY GOD. I hate you, but YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS. She must've hit up a cemetery and stolen all the daisies off all the fake bouquets on the headstones and then hot-glue-gunned them to a men's denim Levi's vest. So ANYhow, for some reason the guy is still standing at the door, like, maybe LaVOYne's accent was so dreadful that it caused paralysis in his legs, and then Brenda-as-Laverne says, "I'm taking her shift. Charmed, I'm sure," only says it like, "Chwamed, I'm shu-wah" and then goes on with, "Girls, girls (but it sounds like 'goyles, goyles')," to Donna and Kelly and leads them over to the juke box and is all, "Don't be bashful, have a seat, oh, but first! Let's get some hit parade action going, liven up the joint. You know, G5 comes very highly recommended." And as Kelly tells her, "Love your 'do, Laverne," I come to the stark realization that I will never, ever be the same after watching this.

So Brenda-as-Laverne goes behind the counter, and Nat, who doesn't catch on too quick, says, "I don't get it. What is it, Halloween?" and Brenda-as-Laverne is like, "Hey, don't you worry, Pops, you'll get no trick or treats with this little lady. I'm strictly a class act. A one hundred percent US certified hostess with the mostess. See, here's a gentleman who appreciates fine beauty," meaning...

...this poor schlub. The one she poured soup all over during her previous shift. He looks like he's about to have a case of explosive diarrhea, and I can't say that I blame him.

And Nat, still a dullard, says, "It's a customer who needs a order taken!" and Brenda-as-Laverne agrees and asks, "Well, certainly (but like 'soytainly'), would you like to hear today's specials?" and Nat's all, "We don't have any specials!" and Brenda-as-Laverne SIIIIIIIIGH, "The special pasta today is spaghetti, it has meatballs on it, with a red sauce, um, I think it's tomato. And the soup is vegetable with beefy-beef [????????????], very tasty with saltines, and for dessert we have pie, we have peach pie, cherry pie, apple pie, pecan pie, lemon pie, cream pie, and honey pie. But if you want pizza pie, you gotta go across the street, ask for Guido, he'll take care of ya. So what will it be?"

And unfortunately, Schluby over here finds Brenda-as-Laverne NOT AT ALL REPULSIVE and says with a laugh, "Anything you want, sweetheart." BARF. And Brenda-as-Laverne thinks about it and says, "You look like...meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Am I wrong?" and Schlubster is all, "Bring it on!" and Carly says, "Someone use me for bow-and-arrow target practice, please," and Brenda-as-Laverne asks that he save room for dessert, and puts in the order all, "Okay, we gotta taker for squished taters and a beefy roll," and Nat, STILL THE STUPIDEST PERSON ON THE PLANET says, "We what?" and Brenda-as-Laverne doesn't punch Nat and says, "Mashed potatoes and meatloaf. Get with the lingo, Pops." And then Nat says, "Brenda, you're too much," and OF COURSE, Brenda-as-Laverne responds with, "It's LaVOYne. Thank you." I need...a lobotomy.

Blah blah back to this blah, they start the reworked scene.

And as Brandon and Lydia kiss, Mongoloid Sean walks in and says, "Hey, Cheesemeister. Stay away from my girl," and I'd say the only "cheesemeister" here is Mongoloid Sean, but I'm not gonna lie when I say that I think I owned that same sweater. And Brandon's all, "Who's gonna make me?"

And then Mongoloid Sean throws a glass of water in Brandon's face. Which someone should do each and every episode. And then Jake cuts the scene and claims that something is missing, that they "need more splash."

LORD. So then this happens: Mongoloid Sean dumps AN ENTIRE PITCHER over Brandon's head. Because that would happen in real life. And then Brandon can't recover immediately to say his line, and Sean and Lydia laugh and laugh and laugh at him, and this scene is SO ridiculous, since they have to keep doing it and Brandon keeps getting soaking wet and then they have to dry him off. Like, how much time would that take? Seems like a waste of EVERYTHING to me.

Back...to this. Sadly. And Brenda-as-Laverne is on a roll: "Honey, I won't be spillin' no soup on you today! [AND THEN SHE PINCHES. NAT'S. ASS. NOOOOOOooooooo.] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, honey, you want some more coffee? Ya gotta order up, ya know what I mean? Goyles, goyles, goyles, how you doin'? I shouldn't take your money but...I'm LaVOYne, I will, ya know what I mean? Honey, sweetie, how ya doin'? Where ya been all my life? Goyles, goyles, goyles, you want somethin' to eat or what? Ya eitha gotta ordah or ya gotta go, that's the way it goes," and then Poor Dylan and (for once) Poor Steve enter and she KEEPS. GOING, all, "Everybody, it's morah victims! Entah at your own risk, fellas! Eh! There's plenty of seats available, just keep your hands off mine, ya know what I mean?" and THIS NEEDS TO END. IMMEDIATELY. Also: DYLAN BREAK UP WITH HER BREAK UP WITH HER NOW.

And then SO HOT Dylan, in a NOT HOT Carhartt jacket says, "Yeah, well, that's not what you said last week," and Brenda-as-Laverne replies, "Yeah, well, lies and innuendos will get you everywhere," and WHAT IS GOING ON HERE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP. ME. Also: Steve's Steve SAUNdering it up, and he borrowed Samantha SAUNders' shoulder-padded cardigan to go with it.

And then Nat comes up, and he's apparently FINALLY GOTTEN A FUCKING CLUE, and Dylan says, "Brenda Walsh. I knew her when," and Nat's all, "She's really out there," and Dylan asks if Nat put her up to it, and he says, "Oh, no, no, no, let's give credit where credit is due. I thought she flipped out. But everybody's eating it up. Along with second and thirds!"

And Nat's non-funny non-joke makes these two bust out laughing for some reason, and I'm only including this shot because I love Smiling Dylan. Be still my heart. Steve? Not so much.

PLEASE STOP. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. But it doesn't stop, as Brenda-as-Laverne says, "Don't worry about a thing. ALRIGHT!!! I need a java full of lava, fizzer on the rocks, and a pooch in a pouch with a grouch," and Nat says, "Laverne?" and Brenda-as-Laverne is all, "Yes, Nathan?" and Nat asks where she's been all his life and Brenda-as-Laverne makes me contemplate becoming a cutter with, "I'm standin' right here, sugah!"

And then we're back on set, where Sad Sack Brandon is all sad-sacky, and keeps sneezing and messing up takes, and Mongoloid Sean is a huge bitch and says, "Where did you find this guy? He can't even remember his lines," and Jake's all, "Lydia pushed for him," and Lydia's like, "Hey! You okay'ed it!" and WOW these people are all shining examples of kindness and understanding! And Mongoloid Sean continues to be a jack-off and says, "So get him some idiot cards."

And while I detest Brandon and the way he's acted this entire episode, I can't help but feel for the guy when he says, "Hey, wait a second! I'm not an idiot!" which most of the time, I would disagree with, but I'll let it slide. And Mongoloid Sean says, "You're not an actor," and WELL, SEAN, HE'S NOT A MONGOLOID, EITHER, SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT? And then Brandon is fed up and yells, "Hey, I never said I was! I'm doin' the best job I can here. You've changed the lines on me, you've changed the rules on me, I don't know what you people want." And Jake is still a venereal disease and says, "What we want is ten seconds of usable film. You think you can manage to get up for that, or do I have to recast?" WHATEVS.

Back to The Peach Pit where Brenda-as-Laverne, Kelly, and Donna are doing A CHOREOGRAPHED LIP SYNC OF LESLIE GORE'S "IT'S MY PARTY," AND I'VE JUST LOADED THE SHOTGUN AND PLACED IT UNDER MY CHIN.

NO.

NEVER.

NOOOOOOOOOOoooooo.

So then we come to our first AHHHHHHHHHNdrea scene of the ep, like, thank JESUS for small favors, and Brandon walks in and AHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Hey! No cutting in line, bub," and Brandon's like, "What's going on?" and AHHHHHHHNdrea informs him that she's been waiting twenty minutes, and Brandon thinks that means the service is bad, but AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "No! It's that entertaining!" and AHHHHHHHNdrea doesn't get out much. And this is just SO, SO stupid, like, ALL of these people somehow heard on the street? about the Saucy, Lip-Syncing waitress at The Peach Pit and stopped by? It's been, what, maybe a few hours. WHATEVER X FOREVER.

No reason for this, other than DYLAN'S CUTE.

And then THANK EVERYTHING the song comes to an end about seven hours later. And Brandon comes up all, "Hey! What's it take to get a seat around here? You gotta be in tight with the owner or something?" and asks Nat, "What'd you do to my sister?"

And then Dylan says, "What, you mean LaVOYne?" and does this and NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, DYLAN.

And Brenda-as-Laverne sidles up and says, "Hey, Sailah! When did you blow into town?" and then to the assembled crowd, "Hey! Everybody, we gotta bonafied celebrity in our mist. That hot new sensation, Lydia Leeds' main squeeze, Brandon Walsh, now let's give him a traditional Peach Pit welcome," and then EVERYONE FLAPS THEIR ARMS AND GOBBLES LIKE A TURKEY. AND I MIS-AIMED AND NOW I ONLY HAVE HALF A FACE. And then everyone keeps talking and talking and I can't concentrate because I think I hit my brain stem with the shell. Basically, Brandon's saying how his gig isn't all it's cracked up to be, and then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has to make EVERYTHING about the goddamn Blaze and says, "I slotted you to do a behind the scene profile on the set of Keep It Together," like, GET A LIFE YOU HAG.

And then Dylan is a babe again and says, "Awww, forget Lydia, I think you should write My Life With LaVOYne. Huh?" and shut up, it was adorable.

The next morning, Brenda-as-Brenda counts all her tips and proudly says, "What a difference a day makes. Yesterday, I was this close to quitting, and I kept on thinking why should I let these people intimidate me? And then once Kelly said don't take it so seriously, I thought of that waitress that works at Big Boy on Hoover St. and when I found those old glasses Laverne just suddenly showed up," and no one dresses like that at my Bob's Big Boy in Burbank. WHAT A RIPOFF! Or, THANK GOD. And even though I don't understand those tendril-things framing Brenda's face (though I sported them as well, so whatever), she looks very pretty here.

And then Cindy says, "Well, it sounds truly inspired," and this shit-sack is all, "And inspiring. Brandon never pulled in tips like this," and I think Jim gets his rocks off on pitting his children against one another. But Brandon will always come out on top, of course. And Brandon shockingly admits defeat all, "Not even close. She set an all-time record." And then Brenda says that Nat's pleased with the receipts, and Brandon says he thinks it could be a permanent thing, and then Brenda goes to stuff her mattress. WHATEVER.

So then the parents turn their questioning towards Brandon and ask how his day on set went, and Brandon says, "It went. It's not as easy as it looks," and then he says that he has some looping the next week, and explains to them what that means, and Jim says, "You're starting to sound like an old pro veteran," and COMPLETELY NON-SELF AWARE BRANDON SAYS, "Of which war?" AAAAAAAAAAAND I HATE BRANDON ONCE AGAIN, LIKE, SPARE ME, CHEESEMEISTER.

Then we're back at the park, and this VILE FASHION VICTIM EGADS walks up to Brandon as he's taking a shot or something. The worst part of this is that Brandon doesn't recognize that this is Lydia, like, C'MON MAN. It's VERY OBVIOUSLY Lydia. Dressed as a clown. Anyway, I guess this is her "incognito" gear, except that it has the exact opposite opposite effect BECAUSE LOOK AT IT. So she says, "I didn't feel like being loved today," WOW WHAT AN ASSHOLE and Brandon really gives it to her and is all, "Well, you came to the right place," like, OOOOOO, BURN. Except not at all. Also: yes, this wins for The Worst Hat Of The Episode, in case you were wondering.

So they sit down to have some heart-to-heart and HOW IS BRANDON NOT LAUGHING RIGHT IN HER STUPID LYDIA FACE??? It's like she thinks she's Hip Hop Blossom or something, with the hat turned just so to the side like that, all home-slicey. So Brandon's like, "You used me to get back at Sean. That's it, plain and simple," and Lydia's all, "I know it looks that way but I'm really not that calculating...and you think you were my flavor of the week." Brandon thinks he absolutely was, and should've probably listened to Melissa Rivers, but Lydia then goes into some Sad Sack Story (WHICH THERE'S FAR TOO MANY OF ON THIS SHOW), saying, "If you were, you'd think I'd be here? Brandon, guys try to pick me up all the time. I admit sometimes I'm not that discriminating, but you made me feel like I didn't have to act. Which is all I've been doing since I'm ten years old. It's hard to figure out who you are when you're always pretending to be somebody else," like, tell it to a therapist, hussy. And Brandon says he liked the person he thought he met, and Lydia says that she liked him, and I don't like either of these buffoons, so whatever. And then she says that Mongoloid Sean was never really out of the picture GOD WHY NOT but that Brandon was "the natural from Minnesota, who knows how to kiss," and then in addition to a massive gunshot wound to the head, I also have cigarette burns all over my forearms because I am really bored and what she just said was really offensive.

And then she tells him that Jake loved his dailies (WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER) and is going to test market his character (REALLY WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER) and then makes Brandon believe that they'll stay in touch, which we all know isn't true because, you got it, We Will Never See Her Again. And as she walks off into the sunset to join every other Third Rank Guest Star Of The Week, Brandon sits and ponders life. Or perhaps what he's going to have for dinner later.

Oh, HOLY HELL. It's either many weeks later, or the Keep It Together film-to-air turnaround time is really quick, but we're in the living room of the House Of Walsh, and Cindy's cutting an ENORMOUS cake in Brandon's honor, and Dylan's all, "Opening night jitters, big guy?"

And AHHHHHHHHNdrea is SUCH a dork, standing at the TV and fretting over whether Lydia and Brandon will kiss and probably how she'll off herself if they do, and the opening sequence to Keep It Together is appropriately awful. And then Cindy is all, "Brenda's gonna miss it!" to Jim, and Jerk Jim says, "It's Brandon's big moment, you'd think she'd make a point of getting here and supporting him," and OH MY GOD. EAT A DICK JIM.

And then Brenda and The Blondes arrive, and Brenda's outfit is very cute. I would TOTES wear the dress on its own. I ALSO love what Kelly's wearing. Donna? Whatever. So ANYway, Brenda comes in all, "Chwamed, I'm shu-wah," and I move on from cigarettes to Cuban cigars.

Actually, I do like Donna's top, and Kelly's working those cowboy boots. God, I love that dress. So Cindy offers them cake, and Ax Wound Kelly is all, "Where's it from?" and Steve is actually NOT a nutsack for once and says, "C'mon, spare us, Kelly." THANK YOU, STEVE. And now I'll resume despising you.

Brenda's so pretty! And Brandon's paisley shirt makes me think he has a vagina. And Brenda asks how he's doing, and he says, "I'm standing," like, does Brandon really think he's been through some harrowing, traumatic ordeal or something? GET OVER IT, WAD OF CRAP. God. And then he actually asks after Brenda, and she says, "Ahh, the tips were bountiful as usual; I got an ovation for my rendition of 'Material Girl'," and THANK ALL THE WORLD we, the viewing public, was spared from having to watch THAT horrendous display of Hell On Earth.

And then the show starts and AHHHHHHHndrea shushes everyone, like GO HOME AHHHHHHHNDREA, and everyone's popping Woodrows left and right, and then Dylan asks what scene Brandon's in, and Brandon's all, "It's the one right after this one. Lydia leaves the party, she goes in the bedroom, sees me, says, 'I was hoping you'd be here.' And then...well, you'll see," and he's all smug and cocky and JUST YOU WAIT.

I'm throwing this in because YES.

And then HOLY MOSES MONGOLOID SEAN appears on the screen and EW, I DO NOT need to see this guy anywhere other than behind a bank vault door. And Kelly's all, "When did Sean Judson get back on the show?" and then Brandon realizes that his scene was completely cut.

And AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Suck on that! But judging by everyone's reaction shots, you'd think someone had just been ritualistically murdered in front of them:

Like this.

And these.

More of this.

And this like, CALM DOWN EVERYONE NO ONE WAS BEATEN OR MAIMED OR KILLED. GOD.

So then everyone's leaving and Steve's apparently wearing Samantha's Gloria Vanderbilt sweater again, and says, "Well, listen, don't feel bad. You're paying your dues. Even my mother's ended up on the cutting room floor," and Brandon actually gets a non-sucky line for once and says, "Say hi for me."

And then WHAT A DRAG AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "I think you should sue them for misrepresentation. I really do," and Brandon practically shoves her out the door (WHO WOULDN'T) with, "Thanks, AHHHHHHNdrea. See you Monday."

And then My Favorites start to walk out, and Dylan's hair is just fabulous, and he is so, so wise and says, "Want my honest opinion? You lucked out. I wouldn't want my name on that, man, that's gotta be the worst show on television," and Donna reminds them that it's in the Top Ten every week, and Dylan's all, "Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste," and he's right, like my taste is dreadful since I've loved this pile of feces program for over twenty years.

AND THEN KELLY RUINED HER ENTIRE OUTFIT by putting her Fringed Succubus From The Abyss jacket on over her adorable dress. But she's actually kind of cute when she says, "Maybe they'll...put your scenes in next week's episode. Like, deja vu or something," and didn't that totally sound like a Donna-line? And Brandon's basically like, "Whatever. Peace out, Kelly."

A bit later, Brandon's in the kitchen cutting himself a piece of cake, and isn't that thing a wee bit excessive? Anyway, he offers Brenda a piece, which she declines, because now that she's "pushing pies" at The Peach Pit, she's lost her sweet tooth. I...don't think I could ever have such a problem.

So they sit at the table, and Brandon, needing more pity and sympathy, asks, "You've been awfully quiet; are you merely avoiding comment on one of the most embarrassing, most mind-blowing...," and AGAIN, NO ONE DIED, and Brenda interrupts him, all, "Humiliating," and Brandon says, "Degrading," and Brenda says, "But character building," and GET A MOVE ON Brandon finishes up with, "But not-worth-it experiences a person could have in a lifetime," and AGAIN. NO. ONE. DIED. AND WHAT YOU "WENT THROUGH" ISN'T EVEN ANYTHING CLOSE TO TRAGEDY. SO SHUT UP. BRANDON. But Brenda plays into his self-victimization with, "I can't believe Lydia could be so cold," and Brandon says, "Why, because she didn't call?" and Brenda thinks that Lydia should've warned him. Which, I do agree with that. But Brandon, all Hardened Hollywood Has-Been, says, "Well, what was she supposed to say? Hi, Brandon, it's Lydia, sorry I have to dump on you again but hey, that's showbiz?" And then Brenda tells him he's more forgiving than her, which, given how she fairly easily forgives Dylan and Kelly for their months-long deceit of her in Season 3, I'd say that she is pretty damn forgiving herself. And then she's sick of talking about Stupid Brandon and his Stupid Brandon Non-Problems, and goes to give him back his keys to The Peach Pit.

But Brandon's all, "You know, Bren, I've been thinking. You should keep the job at The Peach Pit. You've earned it...look, there are other jobs I can find, other things I can do, with the school paper, and my hockey game...," and Brenda keeps saying "Brandon," but because Brandon loves the sound of his own voice so much, he keeps going with, "Take it, Brenda. I'm giving it to you." But Brenda doesn't want it, all, "It's too hard, it's too exhausting. Thanks for thinking about me," and REJOICE, PEACH PIT PATRONS! NO MORE LIVE "ENTERTAINMENT" WHICH WILL EVENTUALLY BLACKEN YOUR HEARTS AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOULS. JOY! LAUGHTER!

So Brandon asks how she can just walk away from raking in the big bucks, and Brenda gets up from the table and tells him, "I have enough in my mattress to pay for what I wanted," and Brandon inquires what that would be, and Brenda's all, "Acting lessons," like, I CERTAINLY HOPE SO MAYBE YOU CAN WORK ON YOUR "ACCENTS." PLEASE DO SO. And then Brandon says, "Brenda, you don't really wanna do that, do you?" and Brenda replies, "No, but Laverne just won't leave me alone," and as she walks away to head upstairs, some cornball Big Band-y music plays us out to a sweet, merciful black screen. R.I.P. The Little Part Of Me That Died On The Inside While Watching And Writing About This Episode. NEVER FORGET.


If you somehow manage to recover after watching the torment that was this episode, join me back here next time for "Stand (Up) And Deliver," which will inevitably put you right back in the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit of your local hospital. Why, you ask? Well, Brandon runs for Junior class president. In March. Of his (at the time) Junior year. And everyone acts like high school "politics" are somehow Super Important and Mean Something, and because of this, Kelly's ALL kinds of ready to knock boots with Brandon. Meanwhile, Brenda befriends two insufferable assholes who "perform" "comedy" at some equally-as-insufferable coffee bar, and because of this dastardly tertiary duo, I rethink that whole "will to live" theory. Sound like fun? Of course it doesn't!

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.