Sunday, February 10, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 9 - The Gentle Art Of Listening: Get Ready To Hop In The Shower After This One, Guys.

In which Doogie Howser's girlfriend gets repeatedly raped by The Chaddiest Chads In All Of Chadville. This whole episode's kind of gross, you guys. I guess let's rock this bitch.

Unfortunately, we open with some kind of pep rally and...this. Brandon thinks he’s…a total fucking tool. And he’s right. Nice hat and trashy, faded-looking sweatshirt-thing, dork breath.

He’s ogling the cheerleaders, of course, because he is a perv and hard-up since Crazy Eyed Sheryl left. One of these gals is Doogie Howser’s girlfriend, Wanda, who we will later learn is named Bonnie. I am going to continue calling her Wanda though, because one of my cat's names is Bonnie, and I really don’t want to be discussing rape and my elderly, toothless cat in the same breath. So. There’s that.  

Brandon pops a Woodrow when he sees Wanda looking his way...

…giving him this dorky smile. You wouldn't be smiling if you knew anything at all about his vile personality, Wan. 

Then up comes Nicki from Saved By The Bell Sans Kelly, Jessie, And Slater, But Plus Hayley Mills, also know as Good Morning, Ms. Bliss. She is in love with Brandon, and makes these googly eyes at him, because she has yet to actually speak to him and realize that his disposition is a nightmare and he fucking kicks rocks.

Brandon and his ridiculous beret-thing are all annoyed that Nicki would DARE look his way, even though he should be thanking his lucky stars that ANYONE would be lusting after him. ESPECIALLY while wearing THAT HAT. SHITBAG.

NO ONE CARES. I think Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon is wearing a FUCKING LAKERS SHIRT AGAIN. Perhaps Mrs. Scanlon should’ve taken Scottie to a damn therapist to deal with his obvious obsessive compulsive tendencies. WHOOPS! Too late for that!

Cut to Brenda, longingly watching the cheerleaders…cheer, wishing she could get away from the Fashion Victims who are fast approaching in their Fly Girl Finest.

Donna's all, "I have the ODDEST TORSO EVER. Along with my cavernous and collapsed cleavage. Which you really won't see until Season 4. Or 5." And then Kelly's all, "I really should've stopped being such a cunt after the whole My Mom’s A Nightmare Coke-And-Alcohol Whore, but I didn’t. I’m still a vapid bitch with really poor taste in headwear. Me and Brandon should swap hats sometime." And then Brenda astutely notes, "WHY did I ever start hanging out with you two? Because seriously. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. But both of your sunglasses are pretty cute, AMAZINGLY."

Brenda's bangs are coming along nicely. And her shirt isn't The Worst or anything. Although compared to the two abortions standing next to her, ANYTHING would be better.

Unfortunately, the Dastardly Duo are able to drag Brenda away to go shopping on Rodeo or at Fred Segal or whatever. The guy in blue with his BANGS coming through his hat wholeheartedly disapproves…of his entire fucking outfit and of Brenda’s spinelessness in the face of those two losers.   

So then Brandon and his hat meet up with Steve and his wig, who are 41. 

And then DYLAN shows up, THANK GOD. Although, he, too, looks 41 here.

AWW. That’s better. He’s such a dreamboat when he smiles. Steve? Not so much. Also: 41.  

ANYway, they’re talking nonsense about some Grudge Match bouts between West Bev and Bev that NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Like, it will kind of play into the plot later in the episode, but seriously: BOOOORING. And we’ll never hear about it again, and it’s odd to see Dylan being all gung-ho about it, even though I guess he gets turned on by all the freshmen chicks being all hot and bothered by it. Or something. It’s gross, and seriously, NO ONE CARES. So, Nicki is staring at Brandon this entire time. Facially, she looks very pretty here. But my favorite part of this is the burn-out 45-year-old standing behind her in his WAY RAD sweat suit and like, medallions around his neck. I bet one of those has a Motley Crue lyric etched into it.

So then Stupid Brandon in his Stupid Hat, Cute Dylan, and Fucking Idiot Steve check Nicki out, and Brandon tells them how annoying she is, and whatever. You should be so fortunate, scum. Also: STEVE, YOU ARE NOT JACK NICHOLSON. AND WHAT YOU ARE WEARING IS A MONSTROSITY.

House of Walsh. Cindy thinks Nicki's crush is adorable and calls Brandon a "heartbreaker." BARF. And: PLEASE. Brandon thinks it's psychotic and continues to diss Nicki. Because he's a fucking shitty diarrhea person. 

Brenda trudges in, bedraggled and exhausted from following Donna and Kelly around while they shopped. She may also be blind after having to look at their outfits the entire afternoon.

So this tool shed follows Brenda to her room and asks if anything is wrong...

...and also asks if she's "on something." Because he fucking sucks. Brenda, awesomely, beats him to a bloody pulp with a pillow and then he dies and THE END. NO MORE BRANDON. Only not. But she does tell him to get out of her room, which someone should tell Brandon at least once an episode. 

Unfortunately, for her and THE WORLD, she lets the butt nugget stay and tells him that she's sick of shopping all the time and that Kelly and Donna are shallow skanks with afterbirths for wardrobes and of course I'm paraphrasing, but not by much. She also says she wanted to try out for the cheer squad when they first arrived at West Bev, but those girls are obnoxious and clique-y, as opposed to the awesomeness that is Kelly and Donna's snobbishness and bitchery. 

ANYway, Brandon puts on his Fake Caring Face and tells Brenda about The Rap Line that AHHHHHHNdrea volunteers for. And maybe David works there, too. Oh, it's not that kind of Rap Line, you say? Damn. I was looking forward to calling in and David laying down some "Switch It Up" for me. 

Brenda has this GREAT reaction to the name "AHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman." Which is the same reaction that most other humans, insects, small woodland creatures, and reptiles have when her name is mentioned. 

Cut to...this. And me making a face because of AHHHHHHHHNdrea's hair of ass. The blazer might not be bad? All I know is that I really want that guy's bomber jacket with Paul Reiser's face on it back there.

Brenda comes in with her shirt all Steve SAUNders Special buttoned up to the fucking ceiling, and asks AHHHHHHHNdrea about The Rap Line. 

AHHHHHHNdrea and her gutter hair are both, OF COURSE, judge-y and suspicious of Brenda's intentions and work ethic and FUCKING GET OVER YOURSELF, AHHHHHHNDREA. GOD. She is such a goddamn drag. 

Brenda, who knows AHHHHHHNdrea will NEVER have as good of hair as her, gives the stupid, condescending twat this AMAZING look and tells her she'll be there later that night. SHUT UP, AHHHHHHNDREA. And DIE. 

Cut to...The Rap Line. Unfortunately, it's all teen runaways this, and when was the last time you got high that. GEEZ. WHAT A DOWNER. No wonder AHHHHHHHNdrea works there. 

This girl in her pink doily sweater thinks it's depressing as well. 

AHHHHHHNdrea, with her not-at-all-16-year-old smile lines, RELISHES in it. She is talking to some kid who got caught masturbating by his mom or some shit. AWKWARD. And to then have to talk about it with The Zuck? He should really just slit his wrists now and call it a day.

So then Kelly calls to talk to Brenda and AHHHHHHNdrea is a GIGANTIC VAGINA SORE about it, all telling Carol, the head counselor lady, that she specifically told Brenda NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS, and talking about Brenda like she's not even goddamn there, and FUCK, I REALLY HATE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA. Moving on.

So Kelly, in her so, so, so, so, so trashy Kelly-room, and probably wearing a bodysuit, tells Brenda that Donna's in crisis mode because she asked her mom for a nose job, and Felice flipped out, and zzzzzzzzz. I just want to curl up on Kelly's Bumble-skinned blanket and take a nap. Blah blah TACKY AS SHIT blah, Kelly will pick Brenda up at ten.

So then Brenda has to explain that that was her ride calling. WHICH IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE, ZUCK FUCK.

Carol appears to share AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's same shitbag hairdo and stick-up-her-asshole personality.

NOOOOOO. Not this. While I am happy that Brandon's been relegated to a second-tier story line this episode, how about he's relegated to a twenty-seventh-tier story line FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN? Oh, that won't happen until this wad of crap is off the show in 9 years? KILL ME NOW.

ANYway, a bunch of moans started emanating from the back room, and Brandon thinks Nat's getting a blowie, but instead he's getting a massage (not the penis-kind) from Nina, who worked at The Pit many moons ago.

Brandon pops his second Woodrow of the episode when Nina, a total fucking cliche, has to tell him about the difference between acupressure (what she's doing to Nat) and acupuncture, like, HULLO? BRANDON? DO YOU LIVE IN GODDAMN SOCIETY? PUNCTURE? NEEDLES? GET IT, YOU FUCKING CRETIN???

But Nina is a total "free spirit," which you can tell because she's apparently not wearing a bra. So she's happy to be a big know-it-all about her "craft" and FUCKING GO AWAY, NINA. YOU ARE BORING AND WORTHLESS. YOU ALSO HAVE BAD HAIR, LIKE JOEY LAWRENCE'S IN GIMME A BREAK.


So Carol and her doppelganger are finishing up for the night. Seriously, they must share a closet.

So the elder AHHHHHHHHNdrea asks if Brenda will be there the next night, and the younger AHHHHHHHHNdrea gives Brenda this look. WHY??? Where is this animosity coming from, you goblin??? What the fuck has Brenda done to you? GOD, I HATE THIS SHOW. Not really. But yes, yes I do.

BLAH BLAH THIS IS BORING BLAH, Brenda stares right through AHHHHHHNdrea and says that yes, she will be there. GOD, I can't WAIT for the "Pass, Not Pass" episode where Brenda clocks the shit out of AHHHHHHHNdrea's Stupid, Smug AHHHHHHHHNdrea Face.

OH, GEE. AHHHHHHNdrea's a bitch some more, then her Old Folks Home Shuttle shows up and she leaves and doesn't say goodnight to Brenda, OH, NO, but does tell Brenda to say hi to Brandon for her. WHATEVER.

Kelly's a horrible friend and isn't on time to pick up Brenda, so she (Brenda) gets the janitor, in very stylish coveralls, to let her back into the counseling room. Oh, and she says "GRAH-SEE-AHS". Cindy's taught her well!

She calls Kelly, who is still tacky, AND OH MY FUCK, THIS IS BORING. Not that I'm all excited to discuss rape or anything, by MY GOD, can we get to the meat of the story, please?

So Kelly is going to call Brenda back and Brenda wanders around the room. WHERE'S DYLAN? SWEET SHIT, WHERE'S DYLAN???

ANYway, long and disturbing story short: the phone rings, she thinks it's Kelly, but it's actually Wanda...which we won't find out until later, but c'mon. It's her. Especially if you know what Lisa Dean Ryan's voice sounds like. Which I do. ANY-anyway, Brenda is all nervous, because, per AHHHHHHHHNdrea and Carol, she has to train for like, seven years before she can actually take a call, but she goes through a series of questions, and FINALLY, Wanda says she's at a pay phone and questions Brenda if, when you're really "making it" (???) with a guy, and you say no and he doesn't stop, is it her fault and YIKES. Brenda says she doesn't think so. AAAAAAND, scene.

So Kelly and her Yeast Infection Jeans and her Poison Music Video Reject Fringed Jacket Succubus come in all "Don't hate me" like Kelly? You are the fucking worst. And you look like every girl I went to middle school with.

So Kelly, being an actual good friend for once in her goddamn life, listens as Brenda talks about the nightmare phone call she just took. And Kelly is all kinds of nosy, because gossip, but obviously Brenda doesn't know who it is and wants to go home and immediately change out of her horrible brown suede pants. She's also afraid she's going to get reamed (because she "broke into the office," which seems a little dramatic), which she probably will because AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is the goddamn worst, but Kelly very nicely notes that Brenda didn't do anything wrong. Which is completely accurate.

So Brenda gets home, and Cindy's all Sister Wiving and inspired by Brenda and her volunteering, so she's doing the same at the recycling center, and Brenda doesn't want to deal with teenage rape anymore, so she says she might join Cindy, and then Cindy goes on to say that her and Jim (who we don't have to see, AT ALL, this entire episode, REJOICE) are so, so proud of Brenda. Which she better bask in because Jim will never be proud of her again. Because Jim is a sucky, sucky dickbag.

The next day: David breaks it down, "You're So Precious To Me" style.

Not really. He's just introducing the football players, all Jock Love, and this one right here? A rapist. You'll see. Also: what time of year is it? Isn't high school football a fall-ish activity? This episode originally aired on December 6th, 1990, so maybe these dudes made it to the finals or something? Or maybe they just really like to wear the uniforms to school, year-round? Why do I care, you ask? I have no fucking idea.

HORK. Steve, who is 41 and in his POLKA-DOT SHIRT and proto-mullet wig, and Brandon, in a stupid Henley, are watching all of this Grudge Week action while Brandon informs Steve that Nina rubbed the balls of his feet the night before. WHAT? I...don't know. Apparently it was really erotic and Brandon probably popped his third, fourth, and fifth Woodrow's of the episode while she was doing it.

Anyway, Steve's still 41 and apparently thinks Brandon blew it. Also: THERE IS A LOT OF BULGE IN THIS PICTURE. PUT IT AWAY, FELLAS. And Steve's jeans are seriously hiked up to Jesus. ALSO-also: the guy on the far right is wearing Brenda's Indiana Jones: The Ride outfit from the previous episode.

Oh, and Puke-Face Brandon says that Nina's "old," because she's like, 23 or something. I guess when you're in high school, 23 is old, but also: STEVE IS OBVIOUSLY FORTY-FUCKING-ONE, so whatever. And then they spot Nicki staring at Brandon some more, and Brandon's all annoyed because it's like she's stalking him or something, and YOU DON'T SEEM TO MIND IT WHEN AHHHHHHHHHNDREA'S STALKING YOU, YOU FUCK.

So Brenda, in a sheer black top and lace-bottomed (?) biker shorts (???) go to tell AHHHHHHNdrea, in a shit-colored sweater vest, about her problem at The Rap Line last night.

But, OF COURSE, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's ALL SHITTY and smug (WHAT'S NEW), and doesn't let Brenda even get the entire story out, and just thinks she's there to quit after only one night and is basically all haughty and gross, and GO DIE, AHHHHHHHNDREA.

So Brenda, AGAIN all Steve SAUNders Special, gets rightfully all upset because she can't even talk to the supposedly-understanding AHHHHHHHNdrea (like, great person to be working at a GODDAMN TEEN HELP LINE) who is a gremlin with bad hair and I HATE HER.

Oh, ick. The Peach Pit.

The Cliche Nina comes in and tells Brandon about some sensory deprivation tank she just soaked in and blah blah NICE TOUPE-LOOKING HAIR blah, this is so damn tedious.

And then she takes her hideous jacket off to reveal an actually decent-dress, and orders peach pie, a la mode, but says "a la mode" all sexy because WHAT THE FUCK? Nice character, writers!

So Brandon pops his twenty-seventh Woodrow of the episode and goes to get it for her. Nice leering face, you douche!

So Brandon goes back and asks Nat what her deal is, and Nat calls her "Nina, sweet Nina" and says that she fucks everyone. Basically.

Woodrow Count: INFINITY.

Later: Brenda shows up!


So Brenda's peppering Carol with questions about how to help all of these troubled teens. Carol very nicely answers all of them, unlike some people we know, AHHHHHHNdrea.

SIGH X 1 MILLION INFINITIES. Nina's soooooo sexy you guys.

So PUKE PUKE PUKE, Nina does some kind of herbal wrap and she wants to try her "technique" out on Brandon. Brandon thinks this means he's going to get laid, so he agrees to come over to Nina's. AND NO ONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD CARES.

BACK TO THIS. It's the end of the night, and the phone rings, and OF COURSE IT'S WANDA, and she rats Brenda out, and OF COURSE AHHHHHHHNDREA'S A TOTAL ASSHOLE ABOUT IT and are we through yet??? The next episode is "Isn't It Romantic?" where Dylan and Brenda finally fucking get together and THANK GOD, because this is just torture.

So Carol, in her Indiana Jones: The Ride outfit, is much nicer about Brenda's innocent mistake than AHHHHHHNdrea. Because AHHHHHHNdrea isn't nice about anything, ever.

Carol coaches Brenda through the call, in which Wanda says that it happened again and that it "hurt so bad" and YOW. This is all very disturbing.

So Wanda lets it slip that it happened behind the gym, and everyone was partying and celebrating after some competition and Brenda realizes that Wanda must be talking about stupid Grudge Week (which I guess was cancelled after this season because we never hear of it again, and THANK GOODNESS since it seems to promote not only winning the tug-of-war but also breeds some kind of serial rape culture) and asks if she goes to West Bev or Bev and Wanda FREAKS and hangs up. Aaaaand, scene.

Next day at school: AHHHHHHNdrea, wearing her grandpa's cardigan, approaches Brenda, who's wearing...THOUGHTS. Brenda naturally assumes AHHHHHHNdrea's going to be a stank bitch and be all rude and tell her she's awful, because duh, it's AHHHHHHHHNdrea, and that's seriously all she's done this entire episode.

But AHHHHHHNdrea wants to make nice now, and if it were me, I'd spit in her Annoying AHHHHHHHNdrea Face, but Brenda's a better person than me so she doesn't. And she once again talks about her theory of the rapes happening after Grudge Week matches and WE ALREADY WENT OVER THIS. Also: WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH BRENDA'S COLLAR???

Oh, dear. So Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon apparently has the hots for Lucy (Nicki) and comes up and says hi. It's very sweet. But because she's hung up on some fucking dingle, she ignores Scottie and walks away. Poor Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon. She'll be sorry someday. Also: POOR (SOON-TO-BE) DEAD SCOTT SCANLON IS WEARING SOMETHING OTHER THAN A LAKERS SHIRT. PRAISE.

So Brandon in his XS Boys' Department t-shirt, with like, ferrets on it (?????) asks Dylan about sleeping with an older woman, which OF COURSE Our Dylan has done, because he is So, So, Experienced, you guys. Which I don't get, because he's supposed to be what, 16 here, but yet he has so much sexual knowledge and prowess, like when was he bedding these older ladies? At 13? And how old were the women? It's really repulsive when you think about it. Like, I know the writers want to show that Dylan's A Bad Boy With A Past, but it never really jibes with me because he's supposed to be so young. I guess they were able to pull it off, though, because Luke Perry was very obviously NOT 16. Like, if he looked like Brian Austin Green (which THANK JESUS he doesn't) there's no way, because B.A.G. looks like a toddler for many, many seasons to come. Also: WHY AM I EVEN DISSECTING THIS??? As the great Elaine Benes once said: "I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman; I'm a child. What kind of life is this?" ALSO-also: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ELEPHANT WALK???

So then Wanda bumps into Dylan, and is thankful that she does not get raped.

And then Dylan does THIS, like STOP IT, DYLAN, and says to no one in particular "No harm, no foul," all cool guy style. Negative seventeen-hundred points for that. DORK.

Later: the back of Brandon's XS Boys' Department t-shirt. I...THOUGHTS. I guess it's a meerkat. Which doesn't make it any more logical. ANYway, Brandon's bullshitting Cindy about working, and going to the library late and then getting up extra early to surf with Dylan, which is all an enormous lie so that he can actually go over to Nina's and get the balls...of his genitals rubbed.

YUCK. So Coolio up there is drowning his face in aftershave, because that'll get 'er wet, amirite, ladies??? And Brenda's scared that she's going to be late for The Rap Line and Wanda's potential call, etc. And Brandon is passive-aggressive, all like, "Thanks for listening," like NO ONE CARES, BRANDON. Oh, he also says he's "making it" with a 25-year-old woman. First of all: NO ONE SHOULD EVER SAY "MAKING IT" EVER, EVER AGAIN. Second: I thought she was "old" at 23, Brando? At 25, she's fucking ANCIENT.

So Brenda, in her...suspender...pants (?) plays into Brandon's head games and apologizes and says she's just really frazzled with The Rap Line and Brandon gets all nosy and asks what's going on and Brenda says she can't divulge any info because it's confidential but she already told Kelly, so confidentiality my ass, Bren. And don't EVER make me kind of side with Brandon EVER again.

Also: He looks pretty good here, with his hair all pushed up off of his forehead. BARF. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME??? I need to go bathe myself in some lye and call it a day.

The Rap Line. Brenda turns into awful Brandon, and berates poor Keith here about picking up a call that's been ringing in. But see, he was already on another call, and has to put that person on hold, like, THAT'S FUCKING CARING AND CONSIDERATE. GOD. And the other call isn't even Wanda, so WHATEVER, BRENDA.

Zzzzzzzz. Brandon's hair has fallen as he awaits Nina's arrival.

MY GOD. WHAT IS...HOW...I...THOUGHTS X 17 TRILLION INFINITIES. What, is she a goddamn sorceress or something???

This dink does not care how she's dressed, because vagina. I mean, look at Sheryl's atrocity of a wardrobe.

Rap Line. Brenda wants to stay a little later. Carol, wearing a shirt with shoulder pads that could ALSO be breast armor, says no, blah blah rape schmape blah.

And Carol is apparently Andre The Giants' sister.

And then she leaves and Brenda's going to "break in" to the counseling room again because Wanda could be calling RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE.

AHHHHHHHHNdrea was going to fink to Carol, but Brenda tries to convince her to stay and help. And because AHHHHHHHNdrea is spineless and really just wants to fit in with Brenda and Kelly and Donna and give Brandon a handy, she does.

THIS STORY LINE NEEDS TO WRAP THE FUCK UP. Nina and her bad hair take Brandon to her cheese-dick, hippie-dippy lair...

...where she lives with her Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh-looking boyfriend.


The Rap Line. Which I really want to say is "Teen Line, this is Nitro" in a really shitty Australian accent. It's from Saved By The Bell and yes, I am fucking lame. I'm livin' in the past, man. I'm livin' in the 90s, man. Which is ANOTHER line from Seinfeld, and MY GOD IN MY HEAD IT IS STILL 1994 PLEASE HELP ME.

ANYWAY, Brenda totes blows off someone else who calls in, who was probably phoning from the ledge of some building somewhere. Sorry, Caller. Your problems take a backseat to Wanda The Rape Victim.

So as they're about to leave, OF COURSE the phone rings and OF COURSE it's Wanda.

So Brenda says that she's glad she called, and Wanda's all like, "Why, so you can judge me? Or get turned on?" and WOWZA, Wanda's going to require years of intensive therapy, poor thing.

So Brenda's all, "What happened out there?" and Wanda tells her that the guy brought along a friend. That is...not good. And then Brenda's attempting to get Wanda to reveal her identity so that she can help her, and AHHHHHHNdrea's like, "Don't do that, Brenda" and then Brenda says AHHHHHNdrea's name and Wanda gets all shitty, like, "Are you talking about me?" which, I mean, I get it's supposed to be confidential. But Wanda obviously knew someone else was present with Brenda, since AHHHHHNdrea picked up the phone. ANYway.

So after Brenda tells Wanda that it's AHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman in the room with her, Wanda hangs up. And then AHHHHHHHNdrea MAKES IT ALL ABOUT HER, and says something like, "Not one of my biggest fans" like first of all, NO ONE IS A FAN, and second of all, SHUT UP, AHHHHHHHNDREA. Oh, and Brenda now knows who the victim is.

So the next day at school, Brenda, in ANOTHER Indiana Jones: The Ride uniform, is on the lookout for Wanda. Also: PLEASE LOOK AT THOSE JEANS THAT GIRL ON THE RIGHT IS WEARING WHAT IS WITH THE DIFFERENT-COLORED POCKETS MY GOD.

So Steve is 41 and wearing a prison jumpsuit and leers at Brenda as she passes.

And then she finds Wanda...

...and then lays this truth bomb on her: "I'm Brenda and I know you're being repeatedly raped."

And Wanda's all "What? Most of it was kind of fun" AND OH MY GOD. NO, WANDA. NONONONONO. And then she says that Brenda's just jealous and runs away. I hope Wanda goes to live in some kind of mental facility once this whole ordeal is over. Like, she needs a goddamn lobotomy after this jacked-up shit.

So Brenda finds AHHHHHHHNdrea, who looks good in that shade of blue, and tells her she confronted Wanda. AHHHHHHNdrea says she has to tell Carol. Brenda doesn't want to because Carol's a wet blanket and will just be all blah blah you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped blah.

Another Grudge Week Match Thing. David's wearing a shirt that says "How Do You Spell Death?" And my answer is "S-C-O-T-T S-C-A-N-L-O-N".

So Steve all bros-down with the Rapey Chads, and asks what they're doing later, and these clever, clever criminals say, "Nothing special" like AHAHAHAHAHAHA, GET IT??? I hope they both get ass-raped repeatedly in the slammer. FUCKS.

So later still: Wanda's horrible friend Julie is going to ride with a couple of other Chads to Becky's house, so basically, smell ya later, Wanda. Wanda, knowing what's going to happen in the parking lot, tries to convince shitty Julie to at least walk her to her car, but no such luck. Maybe Julie and Kelly should become friends.

So poor, poor Wanda walks out to her car in the nearly-empty, PITCH BLACK parking lot...

...and the gross Chads shine a flashlight on her...

...and then the Chads, who are at least 27, ask if they're going to have to beg for it or are they going to have to get nasty again.

Wanda keeps saying no, so the Chads are all, "Oh, we'll just have to do it standing up" and then like, help each other with the rape, like the one PRESSES the other one down on Wanda and WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.

AND THEN: THE SWAT TEAM SHOWS UP. Or something. I don't know. But like, fifty-seven cops come rushing out of the bushes...

...and this disgusting smirk-faced Chad piece of a piece of shit.

And then these three (WHY IS STUPID BRANDON EVEN THERE???) are watching all of this go down up on a hill somewhere??? I...don't think that would be allowed.

And then Wanda cries and cries and Carol's there, too, but not Wanda's parents or anything, and then Wanda gets hauled off to a rest home. I hope. DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS, WAN. And since we never see her again, I think that's exactly what she does.

Brenda wants to be alone...

...and AHHHHHHNdrea explains to Brandon how Brenda knew this would be going down. Twice. Because Brandon is a dunce. And shouldn't have been there to begin with.

The next day (?) at school: Kelly asks if Brenda still wants to be a social worker, which I'm assuming Brenda says "FUCK NO" to, and Donna's in a relatively cute dress thing and talking about how she can't get a nose job, but her parents are buying her a new car instead. That doesn't sound like Our Felice at all. ANYway: Oh, Beverly Hills. You vapid, shallow asshole.

I CAN SEE THE OUTLINE OF STEVE'S 41-YEAR-OLD PENIS. And the sleeves on his t-shirt are laughable. And Brandon looks like shit. Literally. And Steve is still going on about Brandon blowing it with the "older woman." AND NO ONE CARES AT ALL EVER EVER EVER.

And then poor, clueless, horribly-coiffed Nicki is looking at Brandon like this.

And then Brandon, WHAT A GUY, decides to throw Nicki a bone by introducing himself and saying that she has a nice smile.

Aww. It's actually pretty cute and yes, she does have a nice smile. And we will never see her again.

But first, she pays it forward and says hi to Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon...

...who will have at least one nice high school memory to take to the grave. And THANK FUCKING GOD, this episode is over. See you back here for SQUEEEEEE Time With Brenda And Dylan. THE END.

All images courtesy of, Google.


  1. I've often wondered if rap lines ever really a thing, or just something 90210 and Saved by the Bell made up for the purpose of teen angst?

    Then up comes Nicki from Saved By The Bell Sans Kelly, Jessie, And Slater, But Plus Hayley Mills.

    Or, as I like to think of her, Not Kelly/Jessie (Mikey, of course, being Not Slater).

  2. "David's wearing a shirt that says "How Do You Spell Death?" And my answer is "S-C-O-T-T S-C-A-N-L-O-N"."

    Bwahahaha! Brilliant as usual.