Season 1; Ep. 10 - Isn't It Romantic? BRENDA + DYLAN = 4EVA, Y'ALL.

In which our (okay, my) beloveds get together. Finally. After what feels like INFINITY X 27 GOJILLION INFINITIES. Oh, and of course Brandon has to be a TOTAL shit-stain about it (WHAT'S NEW) and rain on everyone's parade. But mostly: SQUEEEEE. LET'S ROCK.

So Brenda's walking up to the House of Walsh, wearing pretty much my wardrobe for the entirety of 7th grade. 

And...excuse me while I projectile vomit onto my laptop. 

ALL DONE. Anyway, Brenda is all Old Timey and had to go to, like, seven video stores and she still couldn't locate Dirty Dancing and she talks about needing a winter so that there's a season for her to sulk and be depressed in, and NO, BRENDA, NO YOU DON'T, because I just left the disgusting winters of Colorado behind and I've never been happier. PRAISE. 

And then Brandon thinks he's some macho, greased-up mechanic and he is just gross, you guys.  NICE NECKLACE, TONY MANERO. And then Brenda, wearing a handkerchief in her hair just like I used to do, says something about "whatever gets you through the night," AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE IDIOTS TALKING ABOUT??? Like, it sounds like sexy-talk, which is so, so repulsive. And not just because they're related but because it's Brandon. 

AND THEN. Dylan wheels himself out from under Mondale and is all "that's what I always say" and this is just weird. 

Brenda is surprised and turned on (WHO WOULDN'T BE) and wants to immediately bone Dylan.

But then he does this, which just so seems like something Fucking Dork Brandon would do, so thirty-seven points from Gryffindor for that, Dyl-Weed. 

But he scopes out her legs and ankles, which are clothed in Steve's slouchy socks...

...and he likes what he sees. 

Cindy, in her elastic-waisted pants and polyester shirt tell Brenda that her (Brenda's) babysitting job is cancelled for the night because the kid has chicken pox. 

Dylan continues to ogle Brenda, dreamily...

...and this fucking mongoloid is having none of it, and throws a rag at Dylan's head. 

Dylan makes this face because he, and THE ENTIRETY OF THE WORLD, knows that Brandon is actually a pansy and a fucking weasel.

So Kelly, in her Tacky Kelly Room, is painting her toenails...on her Bumble-skinned throw blanket...which doesn't seem like a very good idea to me, Kel. 

So since Brenda's babysitting gig was nixed, she tells Kelly she can go out with Kelly's obnoxious cousin. Which sounds just awesome. 

But Kelly informs her that she dumped the cousin off on Donna (sorry you're no longer Kelly's #1, Don) but does Brenda want to come over and help her get the Wet n Wild out of her Bumble blanket?

But Brenda says no and that, "I'm going to stay home and sort my socks."

And by "sort my socks" she of course means "masturbate to images in my head of when Dylan looked at me like this."

BARF. I was hoping Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh had been killed in a freak accounting accident and we weren't going to have to deal with him again. And no one mentioned it because Jim sucks a fucking turd. No such luck, though. 

So he comes out to harass Dylan about the small hoop in his left ear, all "Do you keep that thing in while you shower?" LIKE, WTF KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT TO ASK ONE OF YOUR SON'S FRIENDS, YOU FUCKING PERVERT? And then he's all "Brandon tells me you have a Porsche. Is that from your paper route earnings?" LIKE GET BENT AND DIE, JIM, YOU NOSY FUCK. And way to be a total asshole (AGAIN, WHAT'S NEW) to your kid's friend. 

Whatever. Our Dylan is charming and doesn't care. IN YOUR FACE, JAY SHERMAN. 

Upstairs, Brenda storms into the bathroom to yell at Brandon for getting the room all steamy. 

Ooo, but it's all Sexy High Jinks when it's actually Dylan in the shower and not her hobgoblin of a brother. 

And she TOTES looks down at his wiener, because duh. 

And then she goes out to her room all cute and embarrassed and says that Dylan keeps popping up on her today. And then she probably tries to catch another sneak peek at his goods in the mirror above the sink there. 

So Dylan is adorable and asks Brenda about liking videotape, which is an odd way to put it, whatever, and it also sounds about a 57-years-old at this point because I'M ANCIENT and I really fucking love the tile in the twins' bathroom. WANT.

So Dylan looks like this and then Brenda faints and then when she wakes up he asks her to join him and asswipe Brandon at the movies that night for some Marx Brothers film festival going on. Sounds like a complete snoozefest, but I guess if Dylan was going to be there, I would sit through some boring-ass movie, too.

So they get to the movies, and this chick, who looks like every villainess in every teen movie ever made in the mid-to-late-80s, comes up and says hi to Dylan, all "call me." And Brandon's being a clueless boor and hogging the condiment table, and that poor businessman who is just dying to see some Marx Brothers can't get a fucking straw for his goddamn soda.

And then STUPID Brandon becomes Irish and asks, "Friend o' yours?" like he's the goddamn Lucky Charms leprechaun. Although he's probably the same height. ANYway, Dylan says that he would've introduced her but she keeps changing her name, because her real name is Gertrude or Beatrice or Brenda, and then Brenda stabs Dylan in the arm with a straw. And it's adorable because Dylan is TOTES flirting with Brenda, but unfortunately, Brandon's presence is kind of buzzkilling the cuteness of it because IT'S BRANDON.

So later, they're back at Dylan's, and he's wearing jam-pants BECAUSE HE CAN and Brenda's in a kind-of-okay over-sized blazer and which one of these things doesn't belong? Oh, GEE. It's Brandon. GEEK.

And unfortunately, Brenda thanks Brandon for allowing to come along. WHY? His hair is sooooo gross and he fucking kicks rocks, Brenda. 

Dylan brings the food in and Brandon says that the fries taste the same as the hotel, and Dylan says it's because they are; after his gutter-dad closed the suite at the Bel Age, "Henry" sends over whatever he's craving, MY GOD CAN WE GET TO SOME SCREAMING AND YELLING AND MAKING OUT AND DRAMZZZZZZ??? Oh, and also: CAN BRANDON GO THE FUCK AWAY? 

School: Brenda, with her goddamn Steve SAUNders Special, and Kelly, who actually looks really cute and would look a lot better if that jacket was a way darker rinse, talk about Brenda's night out with Dylan...and Killjoy Brandon. Kelly's all "Dylan McKay doesn't waste his time on just anyone; he's known as a man of action," like, first of all: who the fuck talks like this in high school? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO. SHUT UP, KELLY. And secondly: yes, he will be a man of action a couple of summers from now when you throw your vagina in his face and I hate you both. SHUT UP AGAIN, KELLY. 

And then they're discussing the Health class that Brenda's in, and that they haven't gotten to the sex part yet, and then Steve, who is 41, comes along in THAT SAME GODDAMN SHIRT AS, LIKE, TWENTY-SEVEN OTHER EPISODES, like, I thought you were supposed to be some kind of Richie Rich, Steve, GET ANOTHER FUCKING SHIRT. And ANYWAY, Brenda says that Steve has worked his way through all of the freshmen in the class and is now onto the sophomores. Which is just vile, and also considered statutory rape, I believe, since Steve is 41. CALL THE RAP LINE NOW. 

So...Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon and David are also in the class? I...don't know. I guess they mix all the grades together. So Scottie is basically scared about girls being in the class with them, because what if he pops a Woodrow? I feel like this is awfully late in their schooling to be having this kind of class for the first time, but whatever. I should probably remind myself that THIS ISN'T REAL LIFE. And anyway: Scottie's going to die a virgin, so what does it matter? Exactly. 

So they need a consent form signed. Which Scott's mom won't sign. And David's shirt is a fucking nightmare. As are his hair and face. 

Oh, and Steve points out to Brenda that their teacher, Mr. Kravitz, rubs his beard every time sex comes up. UM, WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS HIGH SCHOOL? AND BEVERLY HILLS AS A WHOLE, REALLY? Everyone's a goddamn degenerate.

So Crybaby Brandon is sick and has to have Mommy take care of him. Because he is an albatross and completely worthless. 

Brenda comes down and says that she's sorry he's sick and will miss the movie (again?) and then Brandon wants Brenda to stay as his nurse and Dylan to stay as his warden, and again, I ask, WHAT.THE.FUCK???

So, OF COURSE, Jim's all up in arms about Brenda going out with Dylan alone. Because Dylan has an earring? Probably, because Jim is just that much of an asshole. But also because Dylan's shady father is considered an "unethical bastard" in some circles. And Cindy, in her Almost Affair housecoat (I believe) is quite reasonable and asks her prick of a husband why he would judge Dylan by his father, and Jim, all sucky and lame and completely NOT self-aware, says, "In my experience, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Which explains why Brandon is one of the worst human beings ever to grace Planet Earth. Thanks for that insight, Jimbo. 

BRENDA: STEP AWAY FROM THE STEVE SAUNDERS SPECIAL. So her and Dylan are at the goddamn Marx Brothers film fest again, and they're analyzing couples walking by and being cute and thanking the heavens above that Brandon is not there. 

So Adorable Dylan puts his Not Adorable Gray...Denim?...Trench?...Duster-thing around Brenda's arm and says, "Let's shine on this movie," by which he means, "Let's go somewhere and hotly make-out." 

So they head back to his Not Suite At The Bel Age, and Dylan is none-too-happy to see...

Not Jack McKay. Meaning Not Josh "Roman Brady" Taylor. Whatever, Not Jack McKay. Anyway, he drags Dylan away, not even acknowledging Brenda. Because he is a garbage person, see. 

So Brenda eavesdrops, but not really, because Dylan and Jack are like, screaming each other down, Jerry Springer style. Also: her shirt wouldn't be half as bad if she wasn't rocking the Steve SAUNders Special. 

So Dylan comes storming down the oh-so-80s staircase and heads straight to...

THE WET BAR. NOOOOOOOOoooooo. 

Brenda's all, "You don't drink do you?" and Dylan's like, "Only at family reunions," and then Brenda screeches something about Dylan having to drive her home, and I don't recall that she cares much that Brandon is a drunken lout in the next episode, "B.Y.O.B." when he drives her home from Donna's party...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So they FLEE the Not Suite and Dylan's hideous duster has morphed into a cape. And Brenda's all, "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

And Dylan's glad about that. And then she suggests that they take a walk on the beach, and Dylan snarkily says something about how great it would be to see all of the homeless people, and GEEZ, Dylan. WHAT A FUCKING DOWNER YOU'VE TURNED OUT TO BE. 

So Dylan sticks Brenda up and steals all her money and the top fucking button on her blouse so that she stops with the damn Steve SAUNdering. 

But not really. Brenda is sick of Dylan interrupting her, even though he says he's just GREAT at interrupting and she wants to help but he's yelling at her and she wants a cab and he doesn't want her to get a cab and DRAMZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, YOU GUYS.

And Dylan gets SO upset that he does this! Like, what did that plant ever do to you, Dylan? And the door guy like, doesn't call the cops about a disturbance, or destruction of property or anything. And these two high school kids are just allowed to stand in front of what I assume is a fancy apartment building and fight like two goddamn mental patients. WHATEVER. 

So Brenda is scared. Rightfully. Like, I know I thought this was all dramatic and romantic at the time that it aired, but it's probably not exactly the most stable foundation to start a relationship on. 

Dylan attempts to do the Heimlech maneuver on her.

Not really. He just gets this really puppy-dog look on his face and says that he's so sorry and he's an idiot and please don't leave. And I know she should, but just look at the lawwwwnging in his eyes. 

And then: He Is In Pain. And She Wants To Help Him. Oh, and his dad is a shitty diarrhea person.

So because Brenda is not a robot and wants to Heal His Wounded Soul, they hug and he cries on her shoulder...

...and then he looks at her like this, and I mean, C'MON. SHE'S NOT MADE OF STONE, PEOPLE. 

And then he eats her face right the fuck off. The End. 

Except not. Hot Dylan and his Hot Car drop Brenda off at the House of Walsh. And he's explaining how his garbage dad kicked him out and they didn't speak for a year. Again, HOW OLD WAS DYLAN AT THE TIME? Was this when he was bedding all those older ladies??? TELL ME SHOW. TELL ME. And also: call CPS because that is some fucked-up variation of neglect and child abuse right there.

Brenda says that she can't imagine being cutoff like that and that she tells her parents everything. 

And Dylan's all, "Everything, wink-wink, nudge-nudge?"...

And Brenda says, "Well, not everything" and then they eat each other's faces again. 

Also: Dylan doesn't want Brenda to tell Barf Bag Brandon that he lost his cool. Like, whatever. Brandon throws at least one hissy fit per episode, so who the fuck cares what he thinks???

But Brenda agrees and then Dylan looks at her like this and she faints again and MY GOD. 

So. JESUS. LOOK at those jeans. I mean. DEAR LORD. Man. We were gross. 

ANYway: Brenda tells Kelly that her and Dylan are not going steady, but Kelly says that they went out, he asked her out again, that's "day-ting; that's plural." And Brenda asks if the next thing is that she'll be pinned and Kelly "Bette Midler" Taylor says, "Yeah, preferably to the mattress," AND OH, MY GOD, SHE'S JUST SO BAWDY. Also: shut your trap, Kelly.

SWEET SHIT. THIS IS A STORY LINE??? Scott's mom still won't sign the consent form; she says that it will be giving him the wrong kind of message. David astutely points out, "What kind of message are you getting at home? Your mom has six kids. And at this time next year, she'll have five. Because. Well. You know."

Steve, IN ANOTHER FUCKING RERUN SHIRT, MY GOD SAMANTHA SANDERS NEEDS ANOTHER ACTING JOB, STAT, makes fun of their deviant teacher some more. And Brenda is so pretty!

SIGH. Like, you know how Brandon was The Worst Of The Worst in the "Higher Education" episode? I think this episode might come in a close second for him. So he tracks Dylan down, wearing The Green Shirt That Will Never Die, and Dylan asks how Brandon's cold is and blah blah WIENER-FACED BRANDON blah. 

So they meet up with Brenda, and her and Dylan are all cutesy and getting high off The Beginning Of A Relationship, and Brandon, OF COURSE, ruins it by being all hostile, and asking Brenda, "Why didn't you tell me you didn't go to the movies?" and why is it any of your damn business anyway, stooge? 

But it doesn't matter because they're both basically like, "Smell ya later, Fuckwad."

House of Walsh. Cindy's telling Jim about some spa her friends went to and got "potatoed." I...don't have the slightest. So the kids are encouraging them to go and Brenda says that both her and Brandon have plans that weekend. 

So Jim goes all Interrogation Station, all, "What plans do you have, Brenda?" and, "Who with?"

And Brenda's all, "The movies" and, "With Dylan, YOU NOSY ASSHOLE."

So Jim throws a Brandon-esque hissy, and says that he doesn't want Brenda going out with Dylan, no dating, period, PRICKFACE. 

So Brenda, AWESOMELY, says, "Jump in any time, Brandon," like, SERIOUSLY. 

But because Brandon has absolutely no loyalty, and has some weird fixation with Brenda and Dylan himself, he says nothing. Oh, and he's a complete monster.

Brenda says, fine, she'll just make plans with Kelly and Donna and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, JAY SHERMAN.

So Jim says, "Cindy, your hair is a piece of white trash. Like, they found it in a double-wide. And I have a right to my opinion," and Cindy replies, "Yes, my hair is an atrocity. And I have a right to my opinion: I like Dylan." YAY, CINDY. BOO, JIM.

So then Jim gets all Charles Bronson and tells Brandon that he needs to tell Dylan to watch his step. And Brandon, who's apparently wearing blush in this scene, tells Jim he can't do that. And then Jim turns into Clint Eastwood and threatens to do it himself. SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE BOTH GIGANTIC PANTY-WAISTS. GET REAL. 

So Cindy follows Brenda upstairs, and they talk about the ever-loving consent form for Health class, and how out-moded the course was in Cindy's day, and how, according to Brenda, it doesn't deal with the feelings involved when you...want to fuck someone. Basically, I mean. And Cindy says it's great, but it doesn't have to be about sex, and let's hope to JESUS she's not referring to Glen, and then Brenda thinks that sex has a little something to do with it, and then Kelly arrives to pick up Brenda for study time and sex talk. 

But first! Brenda is RAD and confronts Brandon about why he didn't stick up for her, and Brandon is a smirk-jerk, all, "What was I supposed to say, that he's a Boy Scout?" and, I REALLY JUST CAN'T WITH THIS GUY. LIKE, HOW DOES HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS, EVER???

So now it's time for Sex Talk Shenanigans and...wait. First, look at the painting of DEMON Kelly above Brenda's head. THAT IS SOME SCARY SHIT, YOU GUYS. YOW.

So blah blah PSA blah, Kelly has a box full of condoms, OF COURSE, because She Knows. Of The Sex. And she gives some to Brenda, saying that she should never rely on the guy, which is good advice. And Brenda just wants to moonily concentrate on all the romance, and says Kelly's being all clinical, and Kelly says that clinical is when you're making an appointment at Planned Parenthood. Basically. And then she awesomely says that she doesn't think Brenda wants to wait until she's picking out names, such as "Dylan Jr. Or Brendina." BREN.DINA. THAT IS MY NEW FAVORITE NAME. I'm heading to whatever office tomorrow and legally changing mine. TO THAT.

The next day: Stupid Loser Brandon walks by Adorable, Schmoopy Brenda and Dylan. 

And then he and his fucking MOCK TURTLENECK notice...

FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT. 

CUTE CUTE CUTE.

Brandon doesn't like it at all. Not ONE BIT. Because he's in love with Dylan. Or Brenda. Or both. But my guess is Dylan. JEALOUS BITCH.

MORE HEALTH CLASS. AND ALL THEY DO IS TALK ABOUT THE GODDAMN CONSENT FORM AND SOME ASSEMBLY. DO THEY EVER ACTUALLY LEARN ANYTHING IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN CLASS? Also: Brenda's sweater is ADORABLE, and she looks great.

So Mr. Pervert-O tells them that they will have a speaker at the assembly, some broad named Stacy Sloan. He is not rubbing his beard this time. 

UP. CHUCK. So then Steve is all clever and asking if it's the "sex assembly" and Mr. Kravitz says that it is, and that Stacy will address the student body, and Steve SERIOUSLY SAYS, "Did you say UNdress the student body?" Like, WAKA-WAKA, STEVE. He should be thrown out of school, because of this nauseating scene as well as his 41-ness and the fact that his hair is the same color as his shirt. 

NO MORE OF THIS. I DON'T CARE. 

So Dylan's all in a hurry to get somewhere after school. Probably away from Brandon, because obviously. And look at Brandon's gross, revealing jeans. PUKE.

BREATHE, BREATHE. So Brandon, ALL SORTS OF SHITTY, passive-aggressively says that he was hoping Dylan could help him with Mondale this weekend. Dylan says that his Dad got back into town and it's a long story, which would probably be enough for most people to back the fuck off and go about their days. But not Brandon! 

Dylan doesn't have time to talk about it, but Brandon is all butt-hurt and says, "But you do have time to make-out with my sister?" LIKE, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, BRANDON. And Dylan, instead of head-butting that smug mug of his, listens as Brandon continues with, "Or is that just until next month when suddenly you won't have time for her either?" LIKE, IS BRANDON JEALOUS THAT BRENDA HAS TAKEN AWAY HIS MAN??? BECAUSE I TOTALLY THINK THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

Dylan, whose hair looks pretty ass-y here (but he looks very handsome in that blue shirt) asks Brandon what his Stupid Brandon Point is. And Stupid Brandon tells Dylan that he better really like Brenda, because she's very romantic and dreamy and sweet and she's not going to move on that easily, AND, HERE WE GO, she's a virgin. THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS COMPLETE FUCKING BREACH OF DECENCY. NONE. Be a fucking baby all you want about Dylan ditching you for your sister, you fuckwit. But to bring up Brenda's virginity, IN PUBLIC, mind you, to a guy she's seeing, like, BRANDON IS JUST DESPICABLE AND HE SHOULD DIE.

So Dylan's all, "What kind of jerk do you think I am? Have a nice weekend. And by 'have a nice weekend,' I of course mean 'go take a long walk off a short pier into a swarm of fucking piranhas, you piece of shit fucking goon'."

Later: Brenda getting dressed montage-thing. Donna's hair actually looks decent in this scene. Kelly's looks gorge, OF COURSE, and Brenda's...

ALWAYS BANGS, BRENDA. ALWAYS BANGS.

See? Like, Donna's hair actually looks nourished and full. And she's one of the few people I've ever seen who can pull off one of those head-wrap-right-at-the-scalp-line deals. Brenda will try next episode and...no. 

ANYway, they go into the bathroom and laugh at Brandon and then ignore him, which someone should do each and every episode. And Brenda puts the finishing touches on her outfit, which includes a relatively stylish pink pleated skirt, and a partially-sheer sailor blouse thing. It is...not good. 

See? Skirt is pretty cute. Kelly is wearing jam-pants. And she is NO Dylan McKay, so she really shouldn't be. 

AWW. Dorkily excited. Too bad Brandon and Dylan's garbage-bag of a father are going wreak havoc on the evening. 

So apparently Brenda and Dylan's foreplay is going to be THE GODDAMN MARX BROTHER FILM FESTIVAL. AGAIN. Maybe try the mall. I hear the Beverly Center's nice. Or perhaps, like, a Dodgers game?

Brenda apparently waits for Dylan for at least a couple of hours, and he never shows. Because she thinks that he's also a garbage person, like pretty much every other male in her life.

So she is so, so sad the next morning, you guys. And Brandon, who already knows what he's fucking done, is like, "Want to talk about it?" Brenda says she already talked to Kelly all night and it didn't help. She calls herself a jerk, because she thought she was special, but obviously she's not to him. She called him but some man told her that he (Dylan) didn't want to speak with her.

NOT ONCE during their exchange does Brandon cop to the fact that he basically told Dylan to back the fuck off Brenda. But whatever. Brandon has no conscience. ANYway, he tells her not to beat herself up over "someone like him" like, WOW, you are a great friend, Brando! I wish I had more like you in my life!

So instead of being like, "Get your fucking hands off of me," Brenda says that she HAS to find out what she did, what happened, if she did anything wrong, etc. Poor, poor Brenda. The thing that is ruining your life is sitting right in front of you.

The next day or whatever, Dylan is busy computing in...Tech Class? Or is it Chemistry, given the table of elements on the wall? No bother. All that matters is that Brandon fucking struts in wearing his Jungle Cruise uniform and berates the shit out of his "friend" all, "Been busy lately, Dylan?" I'm surprised he didn't stage this dressing down of Dylan at the goddamn public library.

And then: Dylan gives up the best line of the episode, or the show, EVER: "Well if it isn't the master of tact and diplomacy." And THAT, my friends, just about sums up the butt pimple that is Brandon. Also: HEY, BRANDON. YOU TOLD DYLAN TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BRENDA, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID. YOU CAUSED THIS, NOT HIM. GOD. Like, Brandon makes me seventeen kinds of stabby and violent.

So then Brandon KEEPS YELLING AT DYLAN, like, he should really fucking get a spot on the next Maury Povich Show because he is so, so trashy with his constant confrontations. He's all, "What's going on with you, man? I know you moved; they said you didn't even leave a forwarding address," and first of all, he probably didn't want to give his new address to YOU, Brandon, BECAUSE FUCKING OBVIOUSLY,  and secondly, EVERYONE and their mother is watching this shit-sack give Dylan the what-for, while preparing for surgery, apparently, because what the hell is with that table?

And Dylan, who really needs to work on his pomp, says, "Long story," meaning "Get up out of my face, YOU FUCKING ANUS."

GAH. HIS FACE. WITH ODDLY-PLACED BLUSH-AND-BASHFUL ROUGE.
ANYway, he then says, "Maybe you'd rather tell it to Brenda," like, ONCE AGAIN, BRANDUUUUUUUN, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD DYLAN TO STEP OFF. WHICH HE DID. AND NOW YOU ARE VERBALLY ACCOSTING HIM IN PUBLIC (WHAT'S NEW) AND MAKING A SCENE (WHAT'S NEW) AND SPREADING YOUR SUCK ALL OVER THE CITY OF BEVERLY HILLS (WHAT'S NEW). So, Dylan is rad and tells Fucking Putrid Brandon, "Don't start that with me; I got the message, you don't want me to hurt your sister," and Brandon has the AUDACITY to say, "Then why is that exactly what you did? Just to spite me?" LIKE, WHAT. THE. HOLY. HELL??? Oh, wait. I forgot. The entire world revolves around Brandon. And is also against him. He is Always The Victim, you guys.

So Dylan's basically like, "It's not about you at all, twerp. Nothing is about you. Ever. Because you're awful. You're not even a blip on my radar, man." But what he actually says it that it has nothing to do with Brandon, or Brenda, that something came up, and blah blah no one should EVER have to explain themselves to Brandon EVER blah. And Brandon is a smarmy fuckwit and tells Dylan to tell it to Brenda. The person he wanted Dylan to stay away from in the first place. WHATEVER. Oh, and also during this scene: some guy in the background is all, "Can you guys hold it down over there?" like, SERIOUSLY, BRANDON.

So this is so lame. Mr. K.'s car is broken down, so Steve offers to go to the airport and pick up Stacy Sloan and take her to the Bel Age (WHERE ELSE) and Steve thinks he's going to break a piece off of her, because apparently sex experts are all easy and will fuck anything with a pulse, i.e. Steve SAUNders, who is 41.

Also: This is a whole lot of NO. But apparently Mr. K. likes what he sees, given that he's a fucking deviant.

So Stacy "Six LeMeure" Sloan arrives at the Bel Age...

...and has to deal with this eyesore. Poor Stacy. And not just because she has (SPOILER ALERT!) AIDS.

So Steve pretends he's Mr. Kravitz, and apparently thinks he's Gomez Addams, about to nibble Stacy's arm all the way up to her shoulder, and he's attempting to be charming and sexy and complimentary, but Stacy's all, "I'm flattered. Now get the fuck out." Also: her fucking NON-MOCK TURTLENECK is piece of shit. As is her hair. I wonder if she used the Topsy Tail?

So Brenda's moping at home (she didn't go to school because of all the Dylan dramzzzzzzz, and I would totally judge her and tell her to get over it, but I've stayed home from my Grown Up Person's Job before when I've had fights or breakups with boyfriends, so you take care of you, Bren.)...

...wearing Brandon's goddamn GREEN SHIRT THAT WON'T DIE, and frayed jean shorts that look like every pair I owned in 8th grade...

...and some slouchy socks from the House of SAUNders.

She gets a visit from Dylan, who's looking adorable even while dressed as Amelia Earhart. He says she looks great, she says he looks terrible, he apologizes, she quotes him from earlier in the episode, saying he's a pot-smashing idiot, but it's not good enough this time.

Her bangs: not looking too good here. ANYway. She continues to yell at him for not telling her why he missed their date and he should just go and blah blah FUCKING MAKE-OUT ALREADY blah.

So Dylan tells her he basically had to help his garbage dad, who's going to be indicted on securities fraud charges, disappear, which sounds like a COMPLETELY REASONABLE THING FOR A TEENAGER TO HAVE TO DO FOR THEIR PARENTS. JESUS.

So all is forgiven, and then they kiss and Dylan says, "You are so warm" and I know that should be odd, but it's actually really, really HOT.

AND THEN: THIS. For a while...

UNTIL: JIM'S HOME. Jim is such a ruiner. Of life.

Dylan has to get back to the airfield anyway, so they RUN. Don't slip on the Spanish tile in your House of SAUNders socks, Brenda!

Unfortunately, they bump into Jim (which, given that I assume Dylan's car is parked on the street or in the driveway, would have been impossible to avoid), who doesn't buy what Brenda's selling, which is that Dylan came over to see Douche Brandon. I can see why Jim would doubt this story, since no one comes over to see Brandon, ever. Because he is The Worst.

So stupid, hypocritical, lame, sucky Jay Sherman gets ALL SHITTY about Brenda and Dylan and how Dylan is like his shady father and that Brenda deserves better.

And Brenda's all, "Who do you want me to see? Someone younger? Straighter? [???] Quieter? [is Dylan particularly loud?] Dudes like that are all mild-mannered on the outside, but all they really want is pussy."

And Jim's all, "Who's talking about pussy? I mean, sex?" And Brenda lays it down Real Talk style, telling Jim that with Brandon, he was like totes, sure! You can totally fuck Sheryl in your bedroom while the rest of your family is sleeping, pig-dog! But with Brenda, her "whole value system is on the line." She's not promising that she'll wait until she's married (because neither does Donna), but she just wants to get to know Dylan. Biblically. And Shitty Jim is still shitty and says that he's not...he means, SHE'S not ready for all of this. Which...whatever, Jim. You'll flip your lid several episodes down the line when you know for a fact that Brenda and Dylan had sex, so it's not like anything Brenda said penetrated your balding, peanut-y head.

The next day or whenever: Brenda looks GREAT with her hair all up and in the blue shirt, and Kelly's cropped blazer is rad. We're just going to ignore their Bacterial Vaginosis Jeans completely. Anyway, Kelly's amazed that Brenda spoke to her idiot dad in such a frank way, and Brenda says it's not like he gave her his blessing (OF COURSE NOT) but at least she's allowed to see Dylan. For a while. Until Blondie over there gets a hankering to steal him away. WHATEVER.

GAH. NO. David is still pleading with Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon to attend the sex assembly. GOD. WHY, DAVID? Why is he so desperate to get Scottie all sexed-up? And I know he doesn't know this yet, but it's not like it matters anyway. Because, well. You know.

SIIIIIIIIIIIGH. My thoughts exactly, Dylan. So Dylan, with his Earth Day tribute tee on, is trying to make nice (WHY, I DON'T KNOW. AND HE DOESN'T OWE THIS SACK OF FECES AN EXPLANATION ANYWAY) and offering to come over to work on Mondale over the weekend, and Brandon, in his fucking MOCK TURTLENECK, is a little girl and all pouty and says, "It's okay. I can handle it." And why Dylan doesn't knee Brandon in the scrotum and walk the hell away at this moment, I don't know. He tells Brandon that he's sorry he checked out on him. And then Brandon is all, "I guess it bothered me more than I thought," and WHAT??? Did I miss something??? Are these two boyfriends now???

Per this picture, yes, yes they are.

So then Stacy figures out that Steve is Steve and not Mr. Kravitz and NO ONE ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH CARES.

I...can't.

Oh, gross. I was hoping for an entirely AHHHHHHHHHNdrea-Free episode. Anyway, she introduces Stacy Sloan.

And then the biggest tool in the shed, Steve, who is 41, turns around and says, "Bel Age Hotel, Room 360." Like, there aren't enough words to convey Steve's idiocy in this moment. Nor to convey how much I want to roundhouse kick Brandon's smirky mug in this picture.

So Stacy, in a sweater she borrowed from AHHHHHHNdrea, is all, "Chicago's cold. I met this cute guy yesterday who asked me out but I couldn't go. His name is Steve SAUNders, and he's 41."

And then everyone laughs and laughs because they know Steve is not cute. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And then Stacy's all, "Oh, and I have AIDS."

So Steve, who is 41, thinks he now has AIDS. Because he's fucking stupid.

And then everyone makes faces like these...

...and gets all shifty and uncomfortable. And in Brandon's case, applies more blush to enhance their cheekbones.

And then fucking worthless Scott comes in and is all "What'd I miss?" He should really just die. Oh...

And Steve is still 41 and thinks he has AIDS some more.

"In conclusion: AIDS."

So after Stacy's maybe two-minute speech...which she flew in from out of town for, Steve approaches her all, "Sorry about your AIDS and stuff."

And for whatever reason, Stacy still finds him charming.

And then! STEVE HUGS A PERSON WITH AIDS. So now he totally thinks he has AIDS.

Later that night at the House of Walsh: AWWWW. LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS! And, look at Cindy's feathers.

So unfortunately for Dylan, Jim comes out to talk to him, all nice and polite now, which as we all know, won't last for long.

SWOON. ANYway, Dylan says he's never been comfortable being known as "Jack McKay's son," since he hardly knows Jack himself. Because Jack is a shady garbage person. As are ALL the parents in ALL of Beverly Hills.

So Brenda, looking very pretty facially, is ready for their date...in her crushed velvet probably-bodysuit. And I'm certain that she's wearing jeans that have smuggled their way up her crotch. Talk about a recipe for a yeast infection.

So they're on their way out the door and Dylan is still adorable.

They go up to...Make-Out Point? I don't know. But Brenda's asking Dylan about how many other hos he's brought to this place.

And then she's all, "Do you have AIDS?" But more tactfully. And more like, "Have you ever had unprotected sex?" And Dylan, Mr. Experienced, says, "Not lately." Wow. HOT.

He says he'll get tested, not necessarily for her, but for himself. And Brenda tells him they need to slow down and that's she's scared and it's basically the same old song and dance she'll give him a few months from now following her pregnancy scare. GET A NEW ANGLE, BRENDA. And then she says that she's not used to the feelings she's having and she wants to be sure and she's afraid he'll say no. TO WHAT?

And then he's all, "I didn't say no," and Brenda asks, "You didn't?" and Dylan says, "No, I didn't," and Brenda says, "No, you didn't," and WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FOOLS TALKING ABOUT? NO TO WHAT? THE GODDAMN END. No, seriously. The episode ends on that conversation, with her just pawing at his face. WHATEVER. Next time: Brandon dies in a fiery, alcohol-related car accident. Only not. But let's pretend.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.