Season 1; Ep. 14 - East Side Story: Brandon's Furrowed Brow Of Self-Righteousness Makes Its Triumphant Return. And I Begin To Think That Shooting Yourself In The Breadbasket Isn't Such A Bad Idea.

In which Brandon continues his streak of...not being so bad? Like, I don't want to claw his rouge-highlighted cheeks off or anything. There are of course moments of his ass-faced-ness, but he's also dealing with yet another girl who seems to have some kind of borderline personality disorder. Although, maybe if I had witnessed (22-YEAR-OLD SPOILER ALERT!) a toddler being gunned down in a gangland-style shooting, as is the case with Hispanic Karla, I might be a little cracked myself. Anyway...let's hit this. 

We open with...this. Brandon's dorking it up on his bike in his light, light, light, light, light denim jeans (which are most likely giving him grotesque moose-knuckle and are probably hiked-up to his collarbone) and a shitty, faded-looking long-sleeved t-shirt. I wonder where the top half of his Canadian Tuxedo is.

He arrives home with his Jansport flung casually over his shoulder, and sees Jim and Cindy speaking perfect English with Margarita and some dude who is also Hispanic and who Brandon most likely suspects is a Colombian drug lord, per his aforementioned Mad Investigative Journalistic SkillZ.

He heads upstairs and being the rude douche that he is, barges into Brenda's room asking Brenda what she's doing (homework) and if she knows what's going on downstairs. Additionally: Brenda is also wearing sky-blue-colored jeans which have presumably concealed their crotchial region in her vagina. Also: Brandon's packing some heat in his crotchial region. GROSS.

Brenda, whose bangs are looking pretty great here, tells Brandon that Jim and Cindy are throwing a party for Chick (??? X 17 INFINITIES) Schneider. Brandon doesn't know who Chick Schneider is, so Brenda gives him the lowdown: "C.S. Schneider? C.S. Pacific? He's like the king kahuna of beach fashion. He makes all those great wipe out pants that Dylan always wears." Brenda, please never say "king kahuna" ever, ever again. And what the fuck are wipe out pants? I'm assuming it's surf-related, and given that it's the early-90s here, I'm also going to assume they look something like these horror shows from Samuel "Screech" Powers' wardrobe:

Oh, Tori Spelling. You've come a long way, baby. Except not really.

Brenda continues on that this Chick guy is Jim's new client, and Brandon, who's practiced some facial contouring with a bronzer stick here, asks what that has to do with Margarita, and Brenda says she thinks that Margarita's going to cater the party, and Brandon, again all Jimmy Olsen, says he thinks she's actually being fired. Actually, Brando, she won't apparently be fired until after the party, since this episode is the last that we'll see of Expert Linguist Margarita.

So Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh, taking up his daughter's dung-colored clothing habit, calls the kids downstairs to meet Margarita's cousin, Richard Rodriguez, but who we'll just call like, Julio La Bamba Menendez. Because you know that was the writers' first inclination.

So Julio, with his atrocious feathered bangs, glad-hands the kids, and tells them that Margarita thinks they're the tops. And Brandon's a non-pustule for once in his goddamn life and says, "We think she's pretty terrific, too. Isn't that right, Mom?" to which Cindy, with her flattened helmet hair, agrees. So then blah blah Brenda asks if everything is okay and Julio tells them that Cindy and Jim (being uncharacteristically nice) have agreed to let Margarita's niece Karla use the Walsh address in order to transfer to West Bev as her current high school is a drug-infested den of iniquity blah, NO ONE CARES. Except for probably AHHHHHHHNdrea. And by "probably" I of course mean "most fucking certainly," because obviously. You'll see.

OH, CHRIST. This twenty-seventh-tier story line. So David is on the horn with MC Hammer's secretary or something. He's attempting to get Hammer to play prom or some such nonsense, and this is just beyond lame. And his shirt looks like it's about an XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL and has doors? on it? I hope one of those leads to a cliff that I can jump off of after listening to this tool get rejected over and over and over.

NOOOOOoooo. Donna, wearing a navy, cropped, marching band? jacket? says, "I'm sorry, but David Silver is out there," and he's apparently so "out there" that you'll date him, take him back after he cheats on you, take him back once again after he commits check fraud and steals money from you, and then MARRY HIM. Oh, and you'll also throw all of your beliefs down the fucking shitter and take his dick after college graduation. REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE CHOICES, DON.

ANYway, Kelly's beige jacket is putting me to sleep and she says, "Too bad, he used to be such a sweet little freshmen. Steve's favorite mascot," and Steve, in his Looney Tunes jacket from Wilsons Leather says,"Haha," and then proceeds to ogle...

Hispanic Karla! as she walks by...maybe because she's rocking the MOTHER-FUCKING STEVE SAUNDERS SPECIAL PLEASE DIE.

And then Brenda, wearing jeans that are committing a hate-crime on her labia majora, LOOK AT THOSE THINGS (the jeans, not the...labia), is in the middle of telling Dylan about the Chick Schneider line all, "So I can get you a bunch of wipe out pants in all different colors but you have to be looking at me when I talk to you. Dylan!" as Dylan eye-bangs Karla as well. And then Brenda huffs off in a snit. Which I would too. I mean, be a little more subtle, Dyl-weed. And also: Karla is very cute and all, but I'm not certain her looks deserve all the fanfare she's receiving from the men-folk. In conclusion: WHATEVER.

So because Brandon has to fall in love with Karla, she stops by the newsroom to ask for directions around campus...unfortunately, she comes upon...

...these two TEDIOUS LOSERS talking about the fax being broken and that the school is falling apart and blah blah RUN A BLADE ACROSS MY NECK NOW blah, AHHHHHHHHNdrea asks if she can help Karla with anything.

So Karla asks, "This isn't the New Building, is it?" and AHHHHHHHNdrea explains that no, it's not, you have to go by the science labs or some shit and MOVE IT ALONG MY GOD. So Brandon's going Karla's way, OF COURSE, so he tells her he'll show her.

And then this complete irritant, sans her comb-over from the previous episode, but full of the same shitty attitude, says to Brandon, "Great, and stick me with your typos?" and Brandon's asks, "What typos?" and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, buzzkill extraordinaire, is all, "You totally forgot the 'A' in recreational and you failed to capitalize Sacramento," and Brandon, who shares my thoughts on Sacramento says, "Well, that's because Sacramento doesn't deserve a capital." Because seriously.

And Karla's chimes in with, "Hey, cheap shot. I was born in Sacramento," and then Brandon finally looks over at her and it's Love At First Sight. Or not. Because these foolios are in high school and that doesn't happen and shut up, Brandon. And he flirts, "We'll try not to hold that against you."

And AHHHHHHHHHNdrea uses her Mad Investigative Journalistic SkillZ and realizes what's going on with these two, so she butts her nose in all, "Uh, hi, I'm AHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman. I'm the editor of the school paper," and WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE THAT ETCHED INTO YOUR GRAVESTONE, AHHHHHHHHHNDREA.

And Karla introduces herself, all "I'm Karla Montez," and Brandon, using his exceptional sleuthin' savvy says, "Karla! I'm Brandon Walsh. You know, Jim and Cindy Walsh...so, Margarita's your aunt?" And Karla's all, "More like a friend of the family," and then Brandon pops seven Woodrow's in a row. Probably, I mean.

So Brandon, showing off his goods in his totally indecent jeans, GROSS, and Karla, whose jeans are also a blight upon mankind, walk down the hall and Brandon's all, "Brenda and I know what it's like starting at this school from scratch and we could introduce you to people and answer any questions you have, or whatever...so what are you taking?" and it's basically all of the same classes as Brandon, and he probably thinks that it's fated and they're TOTES MFEO...that is, until some other mentally depleted damsel in distress comes along next week.

So Brandon's all popping some more Woodrows over Karla's schedule being the same as his, and then warns her about all the competitive asshole kids at West Bev. Basically, I mean. And Karla, who does have great eyebrows, says, "I'll keep that mind."

Cut to a montage of Classroom Smarty Pants Antics. We start off in French, where Karla is all full of herself and says something...Frenchy, all fluent and shit. Then, American Literature, where she talks about, "When I read Pygmalian, I couldn't help but think that Shaw was a total misogynist," and then onto Tech Class, with her being all superior and regaling some poor, unassuming classmate with, "With fiber optics you can't depend on the internal light source, unless you can differentiate between the filters," and SHUT UP, YOU SELF-SATISFIED BITCH. If some new kid came into my school (hundreds of years ago, in the Old Timey days) and was all hoarding the lectures and trying to sound all high-and-mighty I probably would've...just sat there, hating them, and then gossiped about them with my friends (imaginary ones, I mean) after school. Moving on...

So at the end of the day, Karla's all smug and Brandon strokes her ego all, "Margarita said you were smart but she didn't mention you were a genius," and Karla's all, "Oh, c'mon. I just like to participate in class discussions," and Brandon, THANK GOD, says, "You mean dominate?" and Karla says she just wants to get into a good college, and Brandon says that she'll have no problem getting a scholarship. And now HERE COMES THE CRAZY.

Karla gets her INSANE BITCH ON and says, "So, what are you saying? A Hispanic can't get into a top college without some kind of special assistance?" and Brandon's like, "I didn't say that," which he didn't, nor did he even goddamn imply it. And you know how much I hate defending Brandon, you guys. But Karla, STILL A MENTAL PATIENT, is all, "No, not in so many words. But when you bring up a minority scholarship out of the blue it's pretty obvious what kind of stereotypes you're carrying around," AND SHE SERIOUSLY SAID THOSE WORDS. She must be schizophrenic and hear voices in her head, because the word "minority" NEVER PASSED BRANDON'S LIPS GO FUCK YOURSELF KARLA.

Which is essentially what Brandon tells her as he gets this face RIGHTFULLY on, all, "Wait a second. Who said anything about a minority scholarship? I was talking about financial aid, something practically everyone can use, including me. So excuse me if I didn't realize you were independently wealthy...you know, I've gone out of my way to make this place a little less strange and you bite my head off! You wanna be alone, why didn't you just say so?"

And then Karla says, "It's complicated,"and OF COURSE IT IS, and Brandon's all, "Yeah, well, I'd love to hear all about it someday, but fact is, I gotta be at work in twenty minutes," and Karla is an asshole SOME MORE and says, "You work?" like I guess there might be some pretty accurate cliches about the kids in Beverly Hills (STEVE, KELLY, DONNA), but she's just such a fucking cooter about all of this. So Brandon says, "Yeah, I work. Or doesn't that fit whatever Beverly Hills stereotypes you're carrying around these days?" and Karla's all, "Touche," and Brandon's all, "Ole," and THAT WAS FUCKING RACIST. Karla doesn't seem to mind, however, like, she gets her back up about the word "scholarship" but Brandon's all condescending and saying "ole" and that's just dandy. And then she calls him muchacho and I am so, so over this already.

Cut to: The Peach Pit, which was just such a dump pre-renovation. ANYway, Brandon introduces all of the fashion rejects, including Steve, who is 41, to Karla.

And then he introduces Worthless Nat, all, "This handsome devil is Nat, Mr. Beverly Hills Chi Chi himself," and NO. He looks like he lives in The Valley or something. GET A HAIRCUT, NAT. And then Steve tells Karla, "He might be ugly but he serves great pie," like, people who live in CURLY MULLETS SHOULDN'T THROW STONES, STEVE.

And then Awful Kelly asks, "So she's related to your maid?" and Brenda says she'll fill her in later. Donna is perusing the Chick Schneider catalog and asks, "Brenda, are you sure we can have anything in this catalog that we want?" and Brenda confirms this, and this Chick guy sounds pretty generous, although I'm certain the clothes are heinous so whatever. And then Kelly looks at the catalog and says, "God, these baggies are so trendoid," and WHAT THE FUCK IS A BAGGIE? Like, a bag? Or a purse? Or...WHAT? We never find out.

So Steve is 41 and just got his lace-front permed and is leering at Karla, and Brandon says, "Hey, Brenda, do you think Karla could place an order, too?"

And Brenda's all, "Sure. If you like Chick Schneider's stuff," and Karla, now attempting to fit in with these Beverly Hills kids she so resents says, "I love Chick Schneider. Who's Chick Schneider?...oh, cute stuff. I'll take one of each." Also: Karla's rocking some MAJOR Jessie Spano hair here.

And then 41 year-old Steve tells Brandon that Karla's "into you, Brandon. Listen to me, I can feel it," and no, no you can't Steve, because no one has probably been into you, ever, because LOOK IN THE GODDAMN MIRROR. Also: Note Steve being segregated from the group because OBVIOUSLY. And then Brandon brings Karla a piece of pie, "on the house."

As she's eating, these two give her the once over. I...don't know. But! Wait until you hear what one of their names is in the next scene.

So Brandon's driving Karla home after his shift at The Pit, and says, "So is this part of town considered East LA?" and Karla responds with, "Well, it's not Rodeo Drive," and a simple yes or no would've sufficed, you uppity snatch. GOD. And then he spots some day laborers, and asks where they're coming from, and AGAIN, Karla gets all up on her high horse and says, "Work...the trucks come in the morning. That's when it's the worst, seeing ten of them chasing the trucks down the street. All for hard labor and very cheap pay." And Brandon says, "Who would just pick people up off the street?" and Karla, sucking some more says, "How do you think all those pools and tennis courts in Beverly Hills get built?" like, her attitude is extremely grating, and I can understand that maybe Brandon would've never seen this sort of thing, having grown up in Minnesota. I don't know. I don't think I knew anything about day laborers when I was 16. In conclusion: CAN IT, KARLA.

It gets EVEN WORSE when they arrive at her place, and Brandon asks, "This is where Margarita lives?" and Karla, looking quite constipated, probably from the tree limb lodged up her anus, says, "What did you expect, a deluxe condo?" and FOR FUCK'S SAKE, at least Brandon has the balls to ask her, "Are you this defensive with everyone, or do I just bring out the best in you?" and then Karla attempts to make him feel bad, all, "You and your friends have so much that you take for granted, you can't appreciate it...the language lab, the media center, the safe, clean classrooms that you have." And Brandon reminds this huge cunt that they're her classrooms now, too. But then she says, "Yeah, I'd like to believe that, too. But then I go into The Peach Pit and I see those guys in the kitchen looking at me like I'm a traitor for being on the wrong side of the counter," and then Brandon says, "Who are you talking about, Manuel and [WAIT FOR IT] Pepe?" SERIOUSLY, WRITERS??? PEPE???

Anyway, Brandon says that Manuel and FUCKING PEPE aren't like that, and that if they were looking at her, it's probably because she's pretty, not because she's Hispanic. PARANOID MUCH, KARLA? And then he basically tells her it's in her head. And then she responds with another drama queen-esque, "My life is so complicated right now," and what the fuck does that have to do with you being super-defensive and paranoid and accusatory, Karla??? MOTHER OF GOD. PLEASE TAKE YOUR BAGGAGE ELSEWHERE.

So when Karla gets to her stoop, Julio is there, warning, "You better be careful, girl. That's all I have to say," like, OH MY GOD HE IS A COLOMBIAN DRUG LORD. AND KARLA'S HIS MULE. Or he's just a goddamn cop. Whatever. And NO ONE CARES.

The next morning: Brandon's primping in the mirror, probably applying some finishing touches, such as Blush-And-Bashful rouge to his cheeks, and making sure the outline of his penis is visible through his light, light, light, light, light white trash jeans. And UPCHUCK, Brenda comes in all, "Uh oh...you've got that look this morning...that come on baby light my fire kind of a look," and JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL AND JERK IT OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD INTO THAT CONCRETE BARRIER. And then Brenda says, "People are starting to talk," like, IT'S BEEN A FEW DAYS. And, WHAT PEOPLE? KELLY? DONNA? STEVE? I...just cannot with this ever again. Except that I have to. So moving on.

And then the lighting is really odd here, like, they wanted this to look like some talkie vampire flick from the 20s or something, and Brandon's all, "What are they saying?" and Brenda VERY ASTUTELY says, "Oh, it's just ever since we moved to LA every girl you meet suddenly becomes your next true love," and this is possibly the truest sentiment ever uttered on this show. And then ICK, Brandon asks, "What about AHHHHHHHHNdrea?" and Brenda says that they have a professional relationship so it doesn't count. And AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's a horrible dresser. And has shitty hair. And a curtain rod shoved up her ass all the way to her esophagus. And Brandon says he has a platonic relationship with Karla, and Brenda wonders for how long, and then Karla has apparently rubbed off on Brandon because he says, "You mean if it stops being platonic you might have a problem with it?" and Brenda, also a paranoid freakshow, says, "What, you think I'm hung up because she's Hispanic?" AND WHAT THE WHAT? Maybe it was different in 1991, I don't know. I have several Mexican-American friends, and some of them date non-Mexican people and it's just NOTHING AT ALL. I know there are a lot of racial tensions all over the world, and I'm sure there are a lot specifically in Los Angeles (where I live) and I'm probably being naive and over-simplifying, but...where was I? Oh, that's right: A FUCKING 22-YEAR OLD "BEVERLY HILLS, 90210" STORYLINE. I...need to make some changes in my life.

LORD. Cut to the kitchen, where Jim is reading the paper and looking the same as always, and Cindy's pants make her bottom-half appear to be the size of A HUGE FUCKING ASS MY GOD. And she's saying, "Okay, Margarita. Now, explain this to me. We're gonna start off with the corn tamales, the rellenos, and the guacamole with tapas," only she gets hung up on the word "tapas" all, "TAH-PAWS" and again, I know it's '91 here, but HOLY FUCKING FUCK. Tapas??? SERIOUSLY, CINDY, YOU DAFT COW? And then Margarita basically agrees with me in this, her Swan Song episode.

The kids come down, and Brenda gives Jim the order sheet for the C.S. Pacific crap, and SERIOUSLY WHY MUST BRANDON ALWAYS DRESS LIKE HE JUST ROLLED OUT OF A DOUBLE-WIDE? And then Brandon asks Margarita if on the days that she works at the House Of Walsh, she could bring Karla with her and Brandon could give her a ride to school. And Margarita, not having any shits left to give is all, "We'll see. Who cares. Whatever."

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. Back to this...mongrel and his seriously odd hairline, same old-same old, attempting to get MC Hammer on the line. I really wish I had a rusty piece of scrap metal that I could gouge my corneas out with right now, just to have something to do during this excruciatingly mind-numbing subplot.

And then Steve, who is 41 and apparently colorblind, calls "Sam" over (poor Poor [Soon-To-Be] Dead Scott Scanlon!) and asks what David's deal with MC Hammer is, and Scottie informs Steve that David wants Hammer to play the prom blah blah everyone knows it's not going to happen blah, the non-payoff at the end of the episode makes this entire story arc A COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME, BREATH, AIR, ATTENTION.

HERE WE GO. AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, wearing this odd, color-blocked nightmare of a pastel blazer with throw pillows for shoulder pads, comes into the Blaze office and asks, "What's your relationship with Karla?" and Brandon thinks she's been talking to Brenda, but AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea informs him that she was basically a nosy cooch and, "I just happened to be in the registrar's office and Karla's file just happened to be on the counter with her address showing," like, NICE ETHICS, AHHHHHHHNDREA! And the Brandon tells her to forget that she ever saw that, and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, OF COURSE, can't let it go and asks, "I just need to know: is she living at your house?" and tells Brandon that he should watch out and that if anyone is found living out of district it could cause a whole chain reaction, and you know what? I don't think she's concerned with that at all, like, NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYONE BEING OUT OF DISTRICT. NO. ONE. I mostly just think she was asking because she wants to know if Karla is getting to see Brandon's Little Minnesota every night when they Do The It in his bedroom. Because if AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea can't have Brandon, NO ONE CAN.

Later: Brandon meets up with Karla, who's wearing a dress that might be adorable, and he starts teasing her about her jetting out of class as soon as the bell rings all the time, and that he wants to take her out again, and starts suggesting days for a date. But Karla rejects all of his propositions and then she bolts. Probably because of what he's wearing. And the state of his hair.

So then Kelly comes up in her poop-toned fringed monstrosity of a jacket and asks, "What's new, Brandon?"

Later still: Karla's at the bus stop with Hugo Chavez...

...and then Brandon and his REALLY, REALLY pukey hair swoop pull up and they ask, in a revoltingly awful twangy accent, "'Scuse me, ma'am, did someone order an express shuttle?" and Karla is going to file a restraining order, all, "You don't know when to quit, do you?"

But she agrees and accepts the ride. And then Brandon is all, "So, do you miss your old school? I miss my old school. In Minneapolis. Had a lot of good friends back there. I have friends here, too, but, it's not the same. Margarita mentioned something; there was some kinda trouble at your old school, something to do with drugs?" and Karla basically says she doesn't want to talk about it, and continues to try to be all mysterioso, saying that he doesn't know anything about her. He tells her he likes her and that he just wants to get to know her, and then she asks, "Do you like to dance?" and CHRIST ALMIGHTY thank goodness Brandon doesn't dive into his Oh-So-Insipid I Hate To Dance monologue which we, the viewing audience, will be subjected to for eons to come. Instead he says, "Is this my chance?"

Cut to: this Horror Show, or as Karla likes to call it, "the community rec center." I am embarrassed for each and every one of these extras, and believe me, it gets BLINDINGLY WORSE...

...BECAUSE THIS HAPPENS I CAN NEVER UNSEE THIS AND NOW I'VE GONE BLIND YEP I'M FULL ON HELEN KELLER BECAUSE OH DIDN'T I MENTION I'M ALSO DEAF NOW WHY I DON'T KNOW BUT DANCING BRANDON SHOULD BE OUTLAWED ALWAYS AND FOREVER AMEN. And, I could say that it's almost endearing, but it's FUCKING NOT AT ALL. How Brandon managed to get out of there alive without, like, being chased with flaming torches and getting impaled by a pitchfork or something, is beyond me. Also: I guess I should shut up about Brandon's incessant Vow To Never Dance. Because really, he's just sparing everyone on this planet and other planets the sheer agony of it all.

So after embarrassing himself and Karla, Rico Suave over here takes her home and throws down his silky moves.

And then Brandon's all eating her face off, and he says, "This is what I wanted to do the first time I saw you," and Karla is all, "I can't believe it's only been a week." And then...

THIS PERVERTED FUCK. Like, what a sicko. He's probably popping Woodrows left and right watching Karla and Brandon mack. GET A LIFE JULIO.

The next day at House Of Walsh: Jim thinks he's Mr. Muscle Beach and does about ten lame situps on the floor, and Cindy is fretting over the party they're throwing that night for Chick Schneider. Maybe she's concerned because her hair looks like a litter box full of cat feces. ANYway, Brenda comes in and tells her parents that the rental company guys are there with the chairs, and Jim wants Brandon to do some manual labor and help the workers, and Brenda says that she thinks he had to work at The Peach Pit all day and Cindy's all nosy rosy, saying, "He was out awfully late last night, wasn't he?" and Brenda replies with, "I don't know, Mom. I fell out early," which, again, must be some early-90s saying I wasn't familiar with at the time. How trendoid.

And then Brenda leaves and Cindy is really concerned. And haggard. She knows who Brandon was out with, and thinks that her and Jim should tell Brandon the truth about Karla. Ooo, intrigue! Except the exact opposite of that.

And then Jim thinks he's goddamn Rocky Balboa and says that he doesn't think they can. Also: Thanks, Jay Sherman, for not working out topless.

Cut to: Brandon, wearing a Non-Canadian Non-Tuxedo, shows up at Karla's, pastries in hand.

Karla's, who's wearing relatively normal looking casual clothes, declines the baked goods (BECAUSE SHE'S A MONSTER AND A MORON) and tells Brandon he should get the hell out. Basically. Brandon asks what's wrong, and Karla should probably say, "Just like Melissa Coolidge, I, too, have thirty-seven personalities," but doesn't.

So then this FUCKING DORK gets out of his car and I guess like, Tiny Tims his way up to the stoop.

He's all gross and feathery and 70s-looking and Karla agrees with me. And Brandon says that he came to take her to breakfast in Beverly Hills, but Julio is all, "Uh, I don't think Karla has time for breakfast this morning, do you? And by the way: I totally creamed my pants last night watching you two neck down there on the street, where you should've totally been able to see me, seeing as the porch light was on and I cut a menacing presence, looking down on the both of you like some kind of fucking deviant. Anyway, smell ya later, Brandon!"

Next, we're at The Peach Pit, where Brandon's telling Steve, who is 41 and rocking WHAT ELSE that he doesn't trust Julio and that every time he asks Karla about her family, "she changes the subject, like she's embarrassed or ashamed." And then Steve is revolting and asks, "Weren't you with her last night? C'mon, Walsh, huhhuhuhuh?" like, HOW IS THAT HELPFUL? WHAT IS STEVE GOOD FOR? OH, HE'S WORTHLESS, YOU SAY? I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

And then Dylan comes in from surfing, and he never looks as good when his hair's not all pomped up to Jesus (see: the nauseating first half of Season 4), and he's apparently wearing one of Steve's castoffs, but PRAISE he's not rocking the Steve SAUNders Special. And Brandon's all, "Whoaho, if it isn't Dylan the wild surf man!" like, NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. AT ALL. And Steve asks if it was cold out on the water and Dylan says, "Oh, no, man, it was happening. Waves were breaking, they missed you," to Brandon, and first of all NO ONE ever misses Brandon and secondly, NO ONE ever misses Brandon. And then Steve says that he ordered the shirt that Dylan's wearing from the C.S. Pacific catalog and BURN IT NOW DYLAN BURN IT TO THE GROUND. And then Dylan's asking about the "baggies" and if the party's still on and Steve is unselfish for once in his fucking existence and asks if Brandon asked Karla, and Brandon says he didn't have a chance and that she had said that she probably had to work that night, and cut to...

THIS. OH MY GOD KARLA'S WORKING THE PARTY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING. Except that I did, as did anyone who's ever watched a TV show.

ANYway, she goes in to the kitchen and talks to Cindy about West Bev, and Margarita brags about her non-niece and says that she's going to be a lawyer, and all Karla goddamn wants is some ribbon or rings to wrap the napkins with, like, SHUT UP MARGARITA WITH YOUR PERFECT ENGLISH. And then Karla leaves and Cindy says, "She's such a talented girl," like, why? Because she asked for napkin rings? Cindy has really low standards.

So then Brandon and his Revealing Jeans come home and ask how things are going at "party central" and then he steals an hors d'oeuvre and WHATEVER. BOOOOOOORING.

And then he sees Karla, and then it looked like they might dance again, but thankfully they didn't. And Brandon's all, "I thought you had to work tonight," and Karla's all, "I am working; one of Margarita's servers got sick so she asked me to fill in," but Brandon tells her that he wanted her to be his guest; he wanted to introduce her to his parents, but she says she's already met them and they're great and that she's "not surprised" by that fact, like, she must solely be referring to Cindy. And then HERE WE GO this is where Brandon turns into his usual scrotum-pimple self: he asks Karla how she can work there "after last night," and Karla's basically all, "What's the big?"

And then Brandon takes his hissy to the kitchen, where he stomps in all, "I don't want Karla to work here! I just don't feel right about having friends of mine serve me." And Cindy reminds him that, duh, he does that at The Peach Pit, but he says it's different and then gets ALL DRAMA-RAMA SAYING, "Take me off the guest list! [Uh, you live there, you goblin.] Margarita, if you need an extra pair of hands, I'm available," and OH PLEASE, BRANDON.

So Brandon huffs upstairs and Brenda comes in with a pile of barf...oh, wait, no, a pile of clothes that look like barf and says, "Hey, Brandon. The clothes came...Chick sent us stuff that's not even in the catalog yet. They are so rude, I love them. Which did you order? The green or the orange-fuchsia?" And..."rude"? Again, I was one happening 5th grader (no I wasn't) when this episode aired; how did I not know of all this slang? (I can answer that myself, actually: I was a bigger dork than AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea [I KNOW.] and wore gigantic red-framed glasses [NO SERIOUSLY.] that made me look like a young version of Sally Jesse  Raphael.)

YUP. That just about sums it up.

ANYway, Brandon's all pissy (WHAT'S NEW) and doesn't care about the clothes and Brenda asks what's wrong, and he's all, "I can't believe Mom would hire Karla to work here." And Brenda, trying to be logical, is all, "Well, why not? Mom doesn't know how you feel about her," and Brandon says that's not the point, but Brenda says it is: "You don't tell Mom how you feel, and she doesn't tell us why she and Dad were willing to lie in order to get Karla into school." And Brandon thinks it's so Karla could get a better education, but Brenda is doubtful...probably because Jim is pretty much an asshole 24/7. So speaking of Jim, he comes into the room all, "Brandon, what's going on? Your mother says you're getting bent out of shape over nothing," and Brandon says it's not nothing and that Jim doesn't understand and Brenda, continuing the overtones of Hispanic-racism in this episode says, "This is where I say adios."

And then Jim, wearing Mr. Rogers' castoffs, gets all Clint Eastwood up in Brandon's grill, all, "No, you don't understand. C.S. Pacific is the first gold star client I've picked up since we moved to California. For me to be working with Chick Schneider is a major coup. Now what I need from you is for you to be a gracious and happy host, who makes sure that all of our guests are having a good time. Do you think you can do that for me?" like, Jim? You are a huge candy-ass, so WHATEVER.

But Brandon is also a huge candy-ass, so he does as Jim says, opening the door for the guests, all, "Good evening, welcome to Casa de Walsh. Can I interest you in a cocktail? The margarita's are going fast." And this couple says it sounds great, and maybe Jim and Cindy should hang out with people like this, non? At least they're age-appropriate and they wouldn't have to be so goddamn dependent on their children. MOVING ON.

Brandon goes to get the drinks, and Jim and Cindy come up and brown-nose "Becky and Alan Wylerson," and Becky says that they have a lovely home and, "such a handsome bartender," and Becky? You must be hard up. So the Wylerson's walk away and Jim tells Cindy that at least Brandon's being kind to their guests and just you wait, Jimbo. Just you wait.

OH. FUCK. These three walk up to Jim and Cindy and I have an epileptic fit. Because LOOK AT THE COLORS. AND THE PRINTS. AND KELLY'S BANGS. They look like ass-soaked, diarrhea-covered throw-up. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm guessing this is what everyone's hair in the 7th Circle Of Hell looks like. Just a guess. ANYway, Brenda asks, "Mom, do you know where the camera is, Chick wants to take some pictures of us," and IS CHICK ACTUALLY GLEN OR SOMETHING? And Kelly says, "Yeah, he says he wants to use us in his next catalog." Yes. Because he apparently wants to permanently blind his customer base.

And then Cindy is wearing...that. Like, a silken robe from a 1981 Breck shampoo commercial. And Jim is all deviant and says, "Well, I don't blame him, you girls look, what's the hip word? Def. Dope. Rad...foxy." AND THIS IS JUST SO BEYOND FOUL, I CAN'T EVEN.

So then Karla comes up and offers the girls some food, and Donna thinks they're tacos and Karla lets her know that they're actually flautas, and then Creepy Jim is probably checking Karla out and sends her over to check on Chick Schneider.

SO HERE COMES ANOTHER SEIZURE. And this smarmy-looking knob in his knockoff Cosby cardigan, is telling Steve, in a sweater from County Seat, and Dylan, wearing that abomination, about how when "we started surfing in the North Shore, I mean those boards still weighed 2,000 pounds; you got clunked with one of those monsters, I mean you were one dead tuna." And...there is just so much to say. First of all: 2000 pounds? UM. NO. And he didn't say it like he was exaggerating or being sarcastic, and THAT IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE. And second: "one dead tuna"? NICE "GOLD STAR CLIENT," JIM. And then Karla comes over and offers Chick food, but he says, "Oh, thanks, sweetheart. But, I think I'll slurp another one of these [pointing to his margarita]..." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS and then when she walks away he's all, "Preferably with you. In the dark." And there's nothing like some good old fashioned statutory rape to get a party started, amirite?

And these two are BOTH 41 here and Steve says, "It's a good thing Walsh didn't hear that," and Dylan concurs all, "Yeah, he's really flipped for her in a major way, huh?" AND MY GOD STEVE YOUR SWEATER. MY. GOD. It's like The Cosby Show and The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air mated and this succubus-on-hallucinogens was the byproduct.

So then Brandon stalks Karla down, and she's wearing a doily as some kind of bib/yoke/cap thing, and he asks if she can help him bring some extra chairs down from his parents' room. And she really doesn't want to and so he half-assedly apologizes and whatever. Brandon, I think my mother owned your sweater in 1986.

So they end up upstairs in Brandon's room and he's all shutting the door and attempting to grope Karla, which is just in keeping with the incessant Date Rape theme this show employs, really.

So Karla's all, "What do you want, Brandon?" and Brandon, Perpetual Horndog, is like, "What do you think?" like, if ever there was a script for a date rapist to use, this is it. So then Karla angrily lays one on Brandon, who probably still pops a Woodrow, and she asks, "Are you happy now?"

So Brandon gets his Patented Abrasive Brandon Face on, and asks what's wrong, and Karla says, "I don't like being told how I should feel or what I should think," and Brandon says, "Why don't you tell that to Julio, he's obviously got something on you," like, yeah, Brandon; he's a Colombian drug kingpin. Duh. Or a cop, whatever. And then Karla says she doesn't need Brandon to protect her, and he says he just wants it to be the way it was the night before, and look at all of Brandon's diplomas and degrees and whatnot on the wall there...mostly because this story line is working my last nerve and I AM OVER THIS. GO BACK TO (SPOILER ALERT!) POMONA, KARLA. And Brandon? Just...go away.

NO ONE CARES. Karla runs downstairs all sad-eyed and sees Margarita, who thinks Karla and Brandon Did The It or something. I think Karla's belt is cute. I think.

So then Margarita gives Karla the what-for, saying, "Julio told you to stay away from him...I don't care whose fault it is. You show some respect for these people," and Karla says she has respect for them, and then Margarita, wearing her uniform from like, El Torito, says, "Well then show some respect for me!" YOU GO, MARGARITA. YOU GO. Now get back to work!

So Brenda is all nosy-rosy and overheard the confrontation between Karla and Margarita, and she asks if Karla is alright. CAN SOMEONE CHANGE THEIR CLOTHES, PLEASE? OR START A NEW STORY LINE? THIS WHOLE "STAR-CROSSED LOVERS FROM DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE TRACKS" IS GIVING ME A RASH. Also: Brenda's sweater looks like Super Mario Bros vomited all over it.

DEAR GOD. And I can't believe I'm even going to say this, but besides Jim, Brandon looks the least bad here. Cindy's taking the gang's picture with Chick and DYLAN YOU ARE DRESSED LIKE FUCKING SCREECH SLIT YOUR WRISTS AND CALL IT A DAMN DAY. I've honestly never been more offended by someone's clothing in my entire life. And that includes people who wear like, Nazi paraphernalia.

And Brandon, OF COURSE, is being a goddamn anal sty because he didn't make it to second base with Karla or something, so Brenda tells Kelly, with her Bangs Of FUCK TO THE NO, to tickle Brandon to get him to smile, and I would think that all Kelly would have to do is turn around and look at Brandon and then he would laugh and laugh and laugh at her Excrement Bangs.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY? I mean, LOOK AT HIM. What a fucking cheese-dick. ANYway, Chick tells Jim, "You've got beautiful kids, Jim. One more beautiful than the next," and HOLY HELL that is inappropriate, especially the way this douche says it, all leery and perverty. Like, why don't you invite Brenda and Brandon out to your windowless van, you smarmy fuckwit? And then Chick is telling Jim that he just opened up a factory for his clothing line in Mexicali, and how there's a language problem, but the people work hard and they work cheap and OH, THIS IS CLASSY.

And, OH CHRIST, Brandon, the newly appointed Crusader Of Hispanic People Everywhere, overhears this...

...and comes over and asks, LOUDLY, "How much do you pay them?" and Chick is smarmy some more, again, and asks if Brandon needs a job, and Brandon's all, "No, thanks, I already have a job that pays a fair wage. I just don't like to hear about people being exploited," and meanwhile Jim is simultaneously shitting his panties while also getting them in a bunch, but Brandon steamrolls on and says, "I'm sorry, Dad! It just seems to me that the people who make his swimsuits oughta get something out of it! So their relatives don't have to chase after the work trucks in East LA." You know, he may have a point, but ONCE AGAIN WHAT'S NEW Brandon has ZERO sense of occasion and timing and appropriateness and just attempts to browbeat everyone with his opinion. While also SHOUTING at them and causing a scene, etc., etc. For reference, see A LOT OF THE PREVIOUS EPISODES. Because Brandon, at the core, is a gigantic asshole. But so is Chick as he's all, "Who knows? He's probably right. Let's eat," like, WAY TO RUN A SWEATSHOP AND NOT GIVE TWO FUCKS ABOUT IT.

And then of course Karla, along with EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY, heard Brandon's admonishment of Chick, and she RUNS out of the house all, "Brandon, you were right. It wasn't a good idea for me to come here. This was a big mistake. Because tonight I got to see your true colors and I realize that I fucking hate you...eat shit." Except for maybe not that last part.

And then Brandon's going to go after her, but Margarita stops him with something like, "Por favor. Something Spanish That I Couldn't Make Out. Please let her go." Because Margarita is over all the DRAMZZZZZZZZZZ like the rest of the world.

Cut to the end of the night, which I'm surprised didn't come sooner, following Brandon's soapbox tantrum. Cindy's wearing Blanche Devereaux's favorite peignoir for lounging around the lanai, and Jim's put his dork-meister sweater back on. And they send Margarita off, into the abyss, never to be heard from again. Peace out, Margarita. We hardly knew ye.

And then Brenda comes up and tells them it was a great party, and Jim has some strange Balkie Bartokomous hair here, and says, "Well, I think it was a rousing success...with one minor exception," and then the old people go to bed. Because WHO CARES.

Woe is Brandon, cleaning up the living room.

So Brenda plays into his mind games and asks if he's okay, and he says, "I don't know. Did you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just turn the clock back and start all over? I mean, everyone in the world is furious at me: Mom, Dad, Margarita, Karla...you," and first of all, who cares about Margarita? You'll never see her again! And secondly: YOUR PARENTS HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD AT YOU, YOU ENORMOUS CHOAD. YOU BEHAVED LIKE A COMPLETE SHITBOX. So Brenda says she's not mad at him, and he thanks her for being on his side, and then Brenda is GREAT and says, "But I do think you've been unbearably obnoxious this whole past week...you've been totally consumed with Karla. You've clearly lost your sense of humor about her and everything else," and this is like, PERFECTION. BECAUSE TOTALLY.

And then, TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, Brandon gets this face on, and says, "Well, maybe you can tell me how I'm supposed to yuck it up when the girl I'm falling for just walked out the door for no reason?" and FOR MOTHER-FUCKING CHRIST'S SAKE, I CANNOT ROLL MY EYES INTO THE BACK OF MY HEAD ANY FURTHER. And then Brenda's all, "Well maybe she had a reason. Maybe there's stuff going on with her you don't even know about," and tells Brandon that her uncle  Julio was parked outside the House Of Walsh the entire night, and that when Karla "tore out of the house, she went straight to his car," and Brandon thinks he's a fucking Hardy Boy and says, "That Julio guy is bad news. I'm gonna find out what's going on."

Brandon marches up to Jim and Cindy's room and asks if he can talk to Jim, and Jim asks, "You mean there's a chance we can be on speaking terms again?" and Brandon says, "Oh, c'mon, Dad. I apologized to you, I apologized to Chick, I know I was outta line, what more can I do?" and Jim's all, "We're just lucky the man has a great sense of humor [Um, I think it's more like he's as dumb as a bag of rocks, but whatever.]. I don't get it. Your behavior tonight was so unlike you," and NO JIM ACTUALLY IT'S JUST LIKE BRANDON TO DO EXACTLY WHAT HE DID. BECAUSE HE SUCKS. ON A VARIETY OF LEVELS. And then Brandon goes off all, "Well, I'm confused, Dad. And I guess it really burns me up to think there are things going on around here that are purposely being kept from me. You know Brenda's been saying all along you weren't the kind of people who'd lie to help someone's niece get into a better school. Even someone as sweet as Margarita. So what's the story, Dad? You been keeping something from me?" and Jim says that he and Cindy like Karla very much. You know. For someone who's Hispanic. (I'm paraphrasing.) And Brandon thinks he's GODDAMN ROMEO and says, No, not as much as I do. Dad, I've never felt this way about anybody before. You gotta tell me what's going on." And of course Jim can't, because they made promises blah blah CAN WE MOVE ALONG TO PALM SPRINGS PLEASE blah, Jim tells Brandon to talk to Karla. NOOOOOoooo. I am so sick of Brandon talking to Karla. And Brandon, in general.

Cut to: Margarita's house. SHE'S BEEN RESURRECTED. Except that it was actually my bad because I thought we weren't going to see her again this episode. ANYWAY, Brandon shows up with his puppy dog eyes, asking to see Karla. And Margarita says that she's not there, she's not coming back, but that she's not in trouble, and that she's gone back to her family. And then, "I know she'd like to see you again, if only to say goodbye," and why are all of the adults on this show playing into this idiotic fantasy-land that these two TEENAGERS have put themselves in? Like, they knew each other a GODDAMN WEEK. They went out a couple of times. They kissed. WHAT'S THE FUCKING BIG?

HEAVEN HELP ME. Brandon shows up at the park Karla's at and there's this long-distance shot of them walking toward each other like it's a fucking movie or something. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC IN THE SLIGHTEST.

So then Brandon says, "If you can't give me another chance, can you at least give me an explanation?" And then Karla hugs him all dramatically and shit and I stab myself in the thigh with a shiv I fashioned out of a machete.

So they walk through the park and DON'T WORRY THIS IS ALMOST OVER Karla starts in with her explanation. The one that no one cares about anymore. She asks Brandon, "Have you ever heard of Victor Montez?" and he asks if he's famous, and she says, "To some people. He heads the department of Hispanic culture at the Kenmont Colleges in Pomona. He's also my father." And Brandon asks why she lives with Margarita, and Karla is all, "I don't. I just moved to East LA last week...Margarita was my babysitter, I lived with my parents and my sisters at the university. But I also do volunteer work at the projects near Dogtown. Which is where I saw two low-life's named Ruben Beniquez and Sleepy Saloman drive by a house three times before they pulled out their guns and opened fire," and I'm officially changing my name to "Sleepy." And she continues on with this lovely little factoid: "And I saw the bullets ricochet into the brain of a 4-year-old boy on his way to a birthday party," and that'll make you slow-slide down a wall into a puddle of tears and snot. She continues on with, "And when Ruben let it be known that whoever came forward to testify against him would not live a long and prosperous life, Julio thought I should disappear until the case came to court. Maybe for a year. And that's when Margarita mentioned that your folks might be able to help me out."  And Brandon thinks he's Columbo and says, "So Julio's a cop." And Karla says, "Prosecuting attorney. I was his star witness." And then she says that Sleepy had broken down the night before and confessed to the murder. So she's going home to Pomona. BYE KARLA. DON'T COME BACK SOON, OKAY?

So Brandon asks how far Pomona is, and Karla is still a dramatic snatch and says, "It's on the other side of the world, Brandon...I'm not expecting anything from you," and Brandon's all, "What if I want you to expect something?" and Karla responds with, "What? That you'll pledge your undying love and devotion to me? And that I should do the same? I'm not a poor girl from the barrio who's looking for a white knight," even though that's pretty much how she's acted THIS ENTIRE TIME. And she tells him, "Being with you was like a dream [BARF]. Like a fairytale. But now it's over. And I have to go home now," and Brandon seriously asks why, like, I'll repeat: IT'S BEEN A WEEK. And she says it's still complicated and that with Brandon, "it would be so easy for me to forget who I am and where I come from. I don't want that to happen." And then Brandon asks, "I really didn't know you at all, did I?" and I reply with, "NO, YOU DIDN'T. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A WEEK."

And then they FINALLY say goodbye and part ways and loner Brandon walks off all by his lonesome like the true loser he is. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Back to West Bev, the following (?) week: Kelly and Donna are wearing a coat that, I shit you not, I had for my Barbies when I was a kid. And Kelly says, "I distinctly told you number 169B, remember, I pointed it out to you in the catalog! 169B, I told you!" and Donna, being charming, mostly because she's not wearing that marching band after-birth from earlier, says, "Well, you know pink's my favorite color!"

And then Brenda and Dylan stroll by, and he checks out some Kelly Bundy reject in an acid washed denim atrocity for some reason and Brenda and I both immediately get the dry heaves.

And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea, who wasn't invited to the Chick Schneider party, and Brandon are talking about the piece he did on a "Coach Kass," and AHHHHHHHNdrea's actually complimentary of someone else for once in her goddamn life and says, "Didn't change a comma. Think it's your best piece yet."

And then Brandon's shirt isn't The Worst or anything, and he's not wearing light, light, light, light, light jeans, and he says, "I wish it could be like this with everyone," and AHHHHHHHHNdrea, in her grandma's doily and wearing pants that also cause her to look like she's wearing Depends, asks, "Like what?" And then Brandon bursts AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's delusional bubble and is all, "Oh, you know. How we are with each other. Easy, comfortable, real...I'm just glad we're not attracted to each other romantically, so we can always be friends. Good friends. Just friends. It's great," and he was a little too ardent with the "just friends" part, like nice subtlety, you fucking crap-hatch. And then AHHHHHHHHHNdrea plans on renting Fatal Attraction that night and says all deflated, "Yeah." SHE WON'T BE IGNORED, YOU GUYS.

WHYYYYYYYY? Also: David is rocking the same look that he will rock when he's all methed-out for like, half an episode in Season 4. WHATEVER. And he thinks he's reached MC Hammer's office again and says, "Okay, don't hang up, just don't hang up. Now, this is David Silver, the voice of West Beverly High and I really don't care if he doesn't want to come to our Homecoming Dance (WHAT MONTH IS IT? FEBRUARY? AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR PROM?), or that MC Hammer's one of the top recording and video artists in the world. But, at least you could put my call through one time without hanging up. So, having said all that, can I please talk to MC Hammer?" And then!

This. Which is not exciting, like, AT ALL. And hadn't Debbie Gibson's popularity waned at this point, anyway? I will tell you, however, that I have met Debbie Gibson. Jealous? No? Well, you're all a bunch of jerks, and here's a picture anyway:

I don't recall what I was saying here. Maybe I was trying to explain away the FUCKING PINK FEATHER BOA I'M WEARING. Although, she should've been explaining the stupid Mardi Gras beads around her neck. Whatever. It was Denver Pride a few years back and I was drunk and she was probably attempting to sign my program as quickly as possible so that I would stop slurring about how much I loved her and step the fuck off. Anyway, I got mine later that day when I discovered that my boa had bled pink all over one of my favorite tote bags. Because it was June and I was sweat-hog and the boa was probably made out of dyed rat fur or something. In conclusion: I'M GROSS. 

WHERE WAS I? Oh, right. This. So Debbie Gibson, with her ADORABLE MUFFIN of a dog, says, "MC Hammer? Um, sorry, think you have the wrong number. Bye." And it's really bad acting and I'm surprised she went on to star on Broadway a bunch of times. 

And then David, wearing turd-colored overalls, a Champion brand pullover sweatshirt he picked up at Kmart, and Mel Silver's over-sized blazer, thinks that the voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar...

...AND THEN HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES DEBBIE LOOKING BACK UP AT HIM ON HER CD COVER AND REALIZES THAT, YES! IT WAS HER AND OH MY CHRIST. This is so, so ridiculous, I just...can't. Although, GOD, remember when CD's came in the longboxes like this? This was in the Old Timey days when the woolly mammoth roamed the land, people got around on horse-and-buggy, and Hawaii had yet to be voted into statehood. Ah, the early-90s. 

So anyway, we fade to black as David gets Debbie, whose hair is getting progressively worse as these scenes go on, back on the line, saying, "Debbie Gibson! Uh, uhhhh, Debbie Gibson? Look, this is David Silver, I've been trying to reach you all week..." and then this is THE END. FIN. And as Brenda would say: "ADIOS." 

WOWZA. For whatever reason, this one was really hard for me to get through. Seriously, these Brandon-centric episodes are slowly eating away at my soul. And pretty obviously, my sanity. ThankFUCKINGgoodness for us the next one, "Palm Springs Weekend," is mostly about David being a shitbag of a grandson, and Dylan and Brenda almost having sex, and then not having sex, and then fighting, and then still not having sex. And luckily, Loser Brandon gets left behind to work at The Peach Pit and deal with The Poor Man's Macaulay Culkin. Until next time! 

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google, the author's extensive archives.