Season 1; Ep. 12 - One Man And A Baby: The Worst Thing About This Episode? Not Brandon!

Let me preface this one by saying: I don't have a full-on hate-boner for Brandon this episode. I actually kind of feel for the guy since he has to deal with some total whack-job teen mom who's either completely mental or suffering from severe postpartum psychosis. I'm going to go with the former, however. ANYway, let's do this dance. 

We begin with this...white trash loser eating lunch by himself. STOP WITH THE MATCHING DENIM JACKET AND JEANS, BRANDON. Your Canadian Tuxedo is making my eyes bleed. Maybe Jason Priestley demanded to wear this look constantly as some kind of non-sly shout-out to his mother land? Anyway. 

So as Brandon and his gross hair are eating, ALONE, they hear...

...this train wreck singing what at first I thought was Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract." And I got really excited because what this show needs more of is MC Skat Kat.

I mean, C'MON, PEOPLE. What a lovable scamp, all being a cartoon character attempting to have sex with Paula Abdul! That's not disturbing at all! 

Unfortunately for everybody, that's not what she was singing. But Brandon noses in and interrupts her and says, "Is this a public performance or should I pretend I'm not listening?"

This mental patient turns around and says sorry, she thought she was alone. 

So they introduce themselves (her name's Melissa Coolidge) and he asks if she's brilliant or just a dreamer, seeing as she was looking at the Harvard course catalog. And Melissa, in her XXXXXXXXXXXL great-grandfatherly, hugely v-necked sweater says, "Actually, I'm a brilliant dreamer," and these two conceited assholes are going to get along just fine. 

So they continue to chat for a bit about staying outside all day, and that she shouldn't expect a vocal scholarship and that he's still a lowly junior (which...obviously the writers change this without mentioning it, seeing as the following season is actually their junior year, and I guess they wanted to have one more year of high school plot lines for the characters and WHAT THE HOLY FUCK WHY DO I CARE) and then Melissa takes her construction worker lunch pail and gets the hell out of there and away from Brandon, because obviously. Except that Brandon should've actually been the one high-tailing it away from the tree, since, as he will soon discover, Melissa is about fifty-one cards short of a full deck. 

Brandon does not care, however, since he just wants some over the revealing-jeans action. So he picks up the Latin paper she left behind...

...and pops a Woodrow while mulling over it at home later that day. 

He decides to call Melissa...

...but can't since these two are trying to win some prize from a radio program by naming the last five songs the station played. WHATEVER. GET A MOVE ON, SHOW. Also: Brenda's shirt is the color of baby shit, and Kelly's outfit might be totally great. Even though the jeans have probably smuggled their way into her uterus. And I'm not a fan of cowboy boots, but those look good. I think. 

Brandon comes in to berate Brenda about tying up the phone line every afternoon, and Kelly's vest-deal is also the color of baby shit, but she's still working it. And speaking of jeans hanging out in uteri, Brenda's have set up shop in hers. 

So Brenda wants to know who Brandon is so desperate to call, and he says it's just a girl he met at lunch, and she dropped her Latin paper, and Kelly is a fucking worthless snatch and says, "Who would want to date a girl who takes Latin?" which she probably followed up with, "Math is hard!" but I must've missed that part. Shut up, Kelly. 

So the girls decide to force Brandon to call Melissa, with Brenda saying, "You've made me call guys before," like, again, WHAT THE FUCK, WRITERS? THAT IS NOT A NORMAL FEMALE/MALE SIBLING RELATIONSHIP, ALL, OH, CALL THIS DUDE SO YOU CAN GET LAID, SIS OR SOME SHIT. GOD. ANYway, Brandon doesn't know what to say, and once again, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING Kelly says to try "e pluribus unum," which she knows because it's on money. Also: "Science makes my brain hurt!" So they rattle off a bunch of stuff about what Brandon should say, and that he should use the surprise approach and basically not allow Melissa any time to say no to him, which sounds like a dream date to me! And of course Kelly, with all her Daddy Issues, says that Brandon should be a little cocky (THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM FOR ANUS BRANDON), and confident and cool and not take no for an answer, and you can really see why Kelly was attracted to Steve in the first place. 

And Brenda basically says that if Melissa tells him she's babysitting he should just give it up because, as Kelly points out, it's "the oldest excuse in the book." So Melissa gets on the phone and Brandon attempts to jog her memory as to who the hell he is, and Kelly thinks that he's giving her too much time to think about it and SHUT THE FUCK UP, KELLY. She'll probably advise him that he should use this same strategy when attempting to get Melissa to sleep with him. 

SIGH. ANYWAY, Brandon asks Melissa out for Friday; she says she has to babysit. He then asks her out for Saturday; again, she has to babysit. Kelly tells him to hang up before he humiliates himself any further, and Brenda says that nobody babysits that much. But then he uses Kelly's approach and browbeats Melissa with, "C'mon, Melissa. Nobody babysits that much. You don't wanna go out with me, just say so." And Melissa apparently finds this behavior charming and relents, and the date is on. And Brandon takes a cue from Kelly and acts all cocky about it, and Brenda SERIOUSLY SAYS, "My brother, the stud," AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, THAT IS JUST BEYOND REPULSIVE IN SO MANY, MANY WAYS. 

Cut to: Date Night. And, FUCKING GROSS, this is what Mrs. Coolidge has to see as she opens the door. WHATEVER, FONZIE. Also, Brandon: Your moose knuckle is showing. 

So Mrs. Coolidge is dressed like an 8th grade Pottery teacher, and Melissa, in a reasonably cute over-sized blazer (and ghastly jeans, which goes without saying), is asking her mom if this is okay, and Mrs. Coolidge says it's fine and to go out and have a good time. And Brandon and Melissa leave, but not before he says "Exactamundo, Mrs. C. Sit on it!"

So they're driving along Sunset, and Melissa apologizes for acting like a "senior snob" when she met him, and no one should ever apologize to Brandon for anything, EVER. But anyway, Melissa is all, "You really don't know anything about me? Never heard anything?" and "There's a lot about me you don't know, Brandon," and oh my fuck, Melissa. JUST COME OUT WITH IT. Stop trying to be all coy and mysterious. Oh, and also: NOBODY CARES ANYWAY.

Back to this snoozefest. Kelly names the fifth and final song that they need ("Lost Her Love" by Trinidad, which is not a real band; I Googled it because I am pathetic.) and Brenda starts dialing. She's also rocking The Steve SAUNders Special and that is just a straight-up pile of puke. 

So Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh has to call a client, and Cindy "My Hair Might Be Better" Walsh is dressed as a mime, and of course Jim interrupts Brenda's call to the radio station, and then he and Cindy discuss installing another phone line, and MY GOD, IS THIS WHAT IT'S COME TO???

So Brenda gets through to the DJ, and Brandon and Melissa hear and Brandon is, OF COURSE, WAY-excited for his sister, whatever.

So Kelly in her probably-bodysuit is showing Brenda the list of songs, one of which is MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" and I am ancient and wish that I still had my Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em cassette tape and my GIANT Magnavox stereo that was the size of an industrial microwave to curl up with.

The girls win, and have an appropriately SQUEEEEE-filled reaction to it. Then the DJ dude says, "Let's check out the hit machine and see what you've won. Skydiving lessons for two! How does that hit you, Brenda?" 

It does not hit Brenda well at all, you guys. 

Brandon is clueless and continues to ruin his date by talking about his sister, all, "Skydiving? Oh, no! Brenda's scared to death of heights!" and WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY HER, BRANDON?

Following a movie, Brandon takes Melissa home, and she gets all annoyingly cryptic again, like, "I feel like I'm deceiving you or something. I mean, I thought everyone at school knew." And Brandon takes the bait, all, "Knew what?" and Melissa invites him in the house instead of just fucking spitting it out, and Brandon thinks she's going to fellate him or something so they head inside. 

Melissa shows Brandon this baby, Joey. Who I don't think should be lying like that, but whatever. People in the Old Timey days of the 90s didn't know any better. 

So Brandon thinks it's her baby brother or something, but Melissa FINALLY drops her lame evasive act and hits Brandon with this truth grenade: "He's not my baby brother; he's my son." 

And Brandon, rightfully flabbergasted, is all, "Your son?" I mean, I think any 16-year-old would be pretty horrified by this kind of reveal. I would be horrified and I'm twice that age. And by "twice that age" I of course mean, "I'm 23."

House of Walsh. Brenda, wearing one of Glen's castoffs, is attempting to convince her parents to allow her to go skydiving. Jim's like, "You won't even ride a roller coaster," and Brenda says she wants to hurl herself out of a plane because she won it, which is completely illogical, but totally something a teenager would say. Cindy's all, "What if you won two weeks in Siberia?" and Brenda says that she'd go, just to see what it's like. Again: however very "teen" of you, Brenda. 

Brandon arrives home early, with his shitty hair and faded Hanes t-shirt in tow. Way to go all out for your date, Brando! And Brenda says, "You would not believe what happened to me tonight!" And Brandon says that he heard her, and gets all perverse with, "There I was, my most intimate moment, getting ready to make my move and who's on the radio? My sister," and actually, you were just driving, you jackass, and WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THIS IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY? So Brenda is excited that the entire city of LA probably heard her on the radio, and that she's got to claim her prize and Brandon heads upstairs but wants Brenda to come up with him to talk. Or he's probably going to attempt to put the moves on her, because these people are a bunch of fucking freakshows. 

Cut to: Brenda, spazzing out all, "She has a baby?" and "Is she going to get married?" (like, I certainly fucking hope not, since she's apparently free for dating) and, "What do her parents think?" and "How does she deal with having a baby in high school?" And Brandon basically tells her to call and ask Melissa herself, since he didn't bother to ask any of these questions because he is a selfish prick. And then Brenda asks if he's going to ask her out again, and Brandon says he doesn't know, and then I fell asleep on top of my laptop because this is so damn tedious. 

HORK. Brandon, wearing the goddamn Canadian Tuxedo again, asks Steve, wearing...a woman's v-neck cardigan with shoulder pads, about Melissa the next day. Steve lays down the 4-1-1: "She was going out with this guy Frank Seltzer [???] who's also a senior. They were like this great couple, and then bada-boom, bada-bing [!!!], she got pregnant." And Steve is apparently the proto-Tony Soprano. And then we get into some abortion talk, and Steve's all, "Most girls would take care of the problem, Brandon, but Melissa decided she wanted to keep the baby." And Brandon says that maybe Melissa didn't think is was a problem, and Steve says that maybe Frank Fucking Seltzer didn't want to be a dad, and blah blah I actually side with Steve for once in my life when he says that if Brandon goes out with Melissa it will be nothing by problems, like you have NO idea, Steve blah, Brandon heads down the hall to ask her out again. Because he is an ignoramus.

So Melissa's all sad-sacky because she got a C- on a test or something. Also, I think her blazer is made of velvet feces. 

And then these two friends of hers come up and judge her, rightfully so. And I think Blondie was the same girl who was flirting with Dylan at the movies in the "Isn't It Romantic?" episode. 

Yup. 

ANYway, the non-blonde, Amy, asks after Joey, and OF COURSE, Melissa delves into a monologue about how she got him on formula so she doesn't feel like a "damn cow" anymore and they wouldn't believe how fast he's growing and OH MY GOD AMY AND BLONDE-HAIRED GIRL RUN. They didn't ask for Joey's life fucking saga, Melissa. A simple, "He's good," would've sufficed, like, I think they were just trying to be polite by asking about him to begin with. 

So sans any sort of prompting, Melissa goes to dig a picture of Joey out of her purse, and Amy asks if she's still thinking about Harvard, and Melissa says that she is, and that she has an interview this coming weekend. And Amy and Blondie are like, "Smell ya later, Mom," and Melissa asks what they're doing later, and Amy says they're hitting up Melrose, and would Melissa like to come? And Wet Blanket Melissa is all, "Yeah, but, well, no I can't with Joey," like, WHY DID YOU ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU DAFT BITCH? Did you think your friends wanted to come over and watch you change your son's diaper? So Melissa stands in the hallway and makes this face and is all sad-sacky. Some more. 

Later...that night? In the week? Brandon's in his goddamn St. Elmo's Fire Rob Lowe saxophonist blazer, and Brenda continues her trend of wearing excrement-colored clothing. She asks Brandon what he's doing that night, and Brandon says he's going out with Melissa, and then he asks about Brenda's plans for the evening, and she says that she and Kelly are heading to their first skydiving lesson, like, did she forge her parents name on the consent form for that? Because I sincerely doubt they'd just let a 16-year-old jump out of a plane without some kind of parental go-ahead. In conclusion: NONE OF THIS STORY LINE MAKES ANY SENSE. And then Brenda goes to leave and tells Brandon, "Have a good time with 'Mom'."

But it's very sad because poor, apparently friendless Cindy overhears that, and thinks that Brandon is going to spend the evening with her, but he says that he's not and heads out to pick up Melissa. Also: Cindy must've borrowed her behemoth cardigan from Melissa. Or Melissa's great-grandfather. 

Skydiving class. 

Brenda and Kelly ogle their instructor...

...Don, who is not at all attractive and has hideous Brandon hair and has no personality to speak of. He tells them, "This is what it's all about, folks. Piece of cake, right? Wrong. There's a lot to know. But don't worry, we're not just going to throw you out of a plane before giving you a lot of on-ground type simulation," except that he pronounces it “simalation," because in addition to being gross and charisma-less, he's also a goddamn nitwit. 

So Kelly "Bette Midler" Taylor, wearing some kind of afterbirth of a modified jean jacket, says, "I could simulate anything with him," HOW VILE, and Brenda agrees, saying, "Yeah, he is pretty cute." Which first of all, NO HE ISN'T, and second of all, where's Dylan? No appearance or mention of him this episode. Which gives me a case of The Sads in a major way.

Over at Melissa's, Brandon's picking her up for their date. She's dressed like a 1st grade teacher, but her hair looks pretty magnificent. I mean, dated, but like, really healthy. ANYway, she asks if they can go to a "nice, noisy place" for dinner, and Brandon is a fucking dork and asks in a Russian (???) accent, "But why?" Like, I can see on a purely aesthetic-level why a girl would like Brandon, but then he opens his mouth and it's this (i.e. he's a fucking dork), or braying, bordering-on-abusive abrasiveness. In conclusion: I CANNOT with Brandon. Just...no.

So, OF COURSE, they head to The Peach Pit, because that place is a dump and no one will care about a screaming baby. Or clumps of Nat's pubic hair in their Soup of the Day. I mean, I assume. And Esther Rolle back there looks like she's plotting a kidnapping of Joey.

And yes: her hair is way-dated but very healthy. And she tells Brandon that her parents are out of town and her normal babysitter is watching Joey the following day during her Harvard interview. And then Brandon gets intrusive with his line of questioning, all, "So how do your parents feel about you being a mom?" and "What made you decide to keep him?" And she answers with "They were right there for me," and "I felt like I had to take responsibility for my actions," blah blah I HATE SEASON ONE SO BAD blah, she also says that no one is going to tell her that because she has a baby she can't go to Harvard. Um, well, you're a fucking headcase so you probably won't get in anyway. Moving on.

So then Worthless Nat, looking like he always does, comes up for his obligatory three lines of the episode, asking who the kid is, and Melissa says it's her son, and Nat thinks Brandon's the father, and GROSS. Nobody wants Brandon as a father, NOBODY. And Nat is all overly-friendly and cutesy with the baby and it just made my skin crawl. GO AWAY, NAT.

Thankgodfully, Nat does go away, and Brandon gets TOTES invasive, all, "What was it like when Joey popped out of your vagina?" Basically. And Melissa says that having a child is essentially like JUMPING OFF A CLIFF. GEE. THAT SOUNDS JUST AWESOME. And Esther Rolle is still planning on a Joey-napping.

So Brandon gets home, and asks how Jim and Cindy ever managed to deal with twins, and DO JIM AND CINDY HAVE ANY FRIENDS TO SPEAK OF? DO THEY EVER GO OUT? PERHAPS THEY SHOULD'VE TAKEN THE BARNETTS UP ON THEIR OFFER. And Cindy asks why he's interested, and Brandon lets it be known that Melissa has a baby. And of course, LIKE ANY NORMAL PARENTS, Jim and Cindy are surprised and inquisitive.

But apparently Brandon thinks that teen pregnancy is like, no big, so he gets this face on (WHAT'S NEW) and says, "Last year she got pregnant, and instead of having an abortion or putting the baby up for adoption, she's raising him at home. Her parents are totally supportive, Mom, and if they don't have a problem with it I don't see why you should." Like, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE, BRANDON. I think it would be surprising to any parent if their kid came home and said they were dating someone who had a baby. Like, it's kind of a goddamn big deal. And Cindy wasn't condemning it, she was merely curious. GOD. MAYBE BRANDON DOES SUCK AS MUCH AS ALWAYS THIS EPISODE.

Then the douche says, get this: "I really like Melissa. But if I never see that kid again, it'll be too soon, you know what I mean?" Um. I don't think it works that way, tool. Like, if you're going to be in Melissa's life, I think Joey's apart of the package. In conclusion: Brandon's a monster.

GAH. BRANDON NIPPLE. And he apparently sleeps like that? WHATEVER. He probably messed his sheets with a Woodrow and a wet dream. Anyway, Cindy comes in the room and she says that Melissa's downstairs.

Impossibly long and boring story short: Melissa's babysitter cancelled on her; her Harvard interview is in a half-hour, and if she misses it, she'll blow her chances at getting in. So she does what any Mother Of The Year candidate would do and dumps her baby off on some dude she barely knows. SOMEBODY GET CPS ON THE LINE, STAT. Although, I guess her actions are just in following with the plethora of shitty, negligent parents roaming the streets of Beverly Hills.

So Brandon sucks and calls for Cindy. But really, he doesn't suck, because I wouldn't know what to do with a baby, either, other than put it in the refrigerator, top shelf. That's what you do with a baby, right? RIGHT?

So then Jim and Cindy, looking presentable for once in her goddamn life, are cooing over the baby, but they have to go to some brunch with one of Jim's clients, and Brandon's trying to weasel his way in and suggesting that he and Joey come along, and blah blah I'VE ENTERED A FUGUE STATE OVER HERE MY GOD blah, Brandon's on his own.

LOOK...AT THOSE JEANS. Could they be any more uncomfortable-looking? (And that, my friends, is a shout-out to one Chandler "Matthew Perry" Bing's upcoming dramatic guest-starring role on the show in the "April Is The Cruelest Month" ep...which is the furthest thing from "good" you could ever imagine.)

So Brandon tries to get Brenda to stay and help with Joey, but she's off to another skydiving lesson with Kelly. She hands Brandon some kind of stuffed animal and tells him that it will make the baby feel close the womb...WHAT? Is that really a thing?

So Kelly, in what appears to be a cute jumper-dress thing, and Steve, 41 and in a Cosby-looking sweater, arrive at the House of Walsh at the same time, and Kelly says, "Following me again?" and Steve replies with, "In your sweetest, X-rated dreams," and FUCKING FUCK NO.

Brandon comes out of the house with Joey, in a tiny Canadian Tuxedo, like, nice influence, BRANDON, and Kelly's ovaries explode, and then Brandon pretty much threatens to blackmail Brenda about skydiving, all, "What if Mom and Dad find out?" and Brenda says that she has to go through with it and face her fear. And Kelly wants Brenda to stay so she can sit on Don's face. Basically.

And the Albino Family poses for a picture, and Steve is 41 and says that he and Kelly's baby would've been cuter, and Kelly says, "Thank god for safe sex," and can I say, "AMEN"? Not only would their baby be horribly selfish, petty, and manipulative, it would also be completely transparent...both literally and figuratively, I mean.

So Brenda and her jeans that are obviously eating her rib cage tell Brandon to rent Three Men And A Baby...because that sounds completely logical and not at all unhelpful.

Oh! But they do try to rent Three Men And A Baby...because Steve Guttenberg was the early-90s answer to Dr. Spock, apparently. ANYway, Steve tries to speak Spanish to the video store worker, but can't understand what they're saying (WHERE'S CINDY?) so he hangs up and asks what Brandon's attempting to put on Joey. And Brandon doesn't stab Steve in the kidney with a tube of Desitin and tells him that it's a diaper. WHY IS STEVE EVEN ALIVE?

And then Steve says, "Can you imagine this for real?" and Brandon responds with, "Yeah, maybe someday, in the far, far, far future after I've done everything else." EXACTLY. Except that I never plan on having kids so I guess never mind. And then he thinks he's got the diaper on Joey correctly, but OF COURSE it falls off and these television baby high jinks are just so, so unpredictable! Oh, and Steve says that when he and Kelly were going together they talked about having a baby and who it would look like and I HOPE TO GOD IT WOULDN'T BE STEVE, and that Kelly would be the one to bring it up and I ask: WHAT TEENAGE COUPLE TALKS ABOUT HAVING GODDAMN BABIES? Unless it's the 1800s or you're one of those mental patient girls that makes a pact with all your friends to get pregnant at the same time, and then the story ends up on fucking Dateline or some shit.

Then we cut to this, where Kelly and Brenda have apparently been talking about the same thing as Steve and Brandon, and Kelly says, "No, Steve is the one who fantasized about having kids. Can you imagine him as a father? What a sick joke," LIKE, THANK YOU, KELLY. It's even a little fucking questionable 10 years down the line when he knocks Janet up. ANYway, Brenda makes a completely idiotic statement, saying, "Melissa is already a mom, and she's taking care of a baby and I'm still sneaking around for one stupid skydive." Uh. Do you want to get permission to have a baby, Brenda? And Kelly's at least a little smarter for once and says, "Yeah, but I bet she did her fair share of sneaking around in order to become a mom," only I have a feeling Melissa's parents probably let her and Frank Seltzer have sex like, on the couch in front of them, given how derelict all of the parents are in this part of West LA.

So then they see this block of wood, and Kelly says, "He looks even more gorgeous today," and Kelly is just gross, you guys, and then Brenda says, "Yeah, I'd like to sneak around with him," and HELLO??? BRENDA??? DYLAN??? MCKAY??? God, this is making me angry. Did they get the order of shows mixed up? I don't think so, considering Brandon's been driving his parents beastly station wagon around the whole show, meaning this has to be post-Mondale. WHAT. THE. HELL. WRITERS. And then they chase after Don and I slowly curl into a fetal position.

Back to these dullards. Brandon has piled at least seventeen diapers on Joey. And Steve says he needs "booty camp" which is so beyond completely disturbing I'm not even going to comment. And then these two buffoons start singing "Rock-a-bye Baby" and my ears start oozing blood and pus and NO MORE. Also: LOOK AT STEVE'S NAVAJO-Y SWEATER.

And then my ears become blood GEYSERS because Steve grabs Joey and starts singing "La Cucaracha" and SWEET SHIT LUCIFER TAKE THE WHEEL.

And then they try to feed Joey and GEE, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS. Baby Humor, How Original.

Back at skydiving class. Can they just jump out of the goddamn plane now? Please? Anyway, Don is a petrified piece of wood and tells Brenda, "Ok, Brenda, just relax now. Your chute will open automatically after thirty seconds of free-falling; in case of a problem, there's a second, backup chute; it's absolutely fail-safe. Now, I want you to hit the ground rolling, okay?" and Brenda says that it's so high, and cut to...

LAME WWII FANTASY SEQUENCE. NO. SERIOUSLY.

And Unattractive Don saying, "So are the stakes. You've got to spit in the face of fear, Brenda. The future of the allies is in your hands."

And Lame Fantasy Sequence Brenda (who at least looks very pretty here) says, "I understand. I won't let you down." And then Still Unattractive Even In A Daydream Don says, "And if you survive, we'll go to a nice romantic French bistro for dinner...on me." And then they jump and THIS IS JUST SO, SO STUPID. LIKE, BEYOND. BAH.

Back in Lame Reality: Brenda hits the floor, and Don woodenly says, "Do you need more altitude awareness, or can we go on to forward movement?"

And the Boyfriend Thief Kelly says, "She can jump with her eyes closed, but, uh, I do need a little help with my forward movement," and you are so very, very clever, Gypsy Rose.

DOES THIS EVER END? Brandon turns on the Lakers game, the cable's out, Steve is 41 and leaves. NO ONE CARES.

Melissa arrives and Brandon is cheerful and nice and says that she can listen to the game with them.

UGH. But Melissa is mad that Brandon gave Joey ice cream, so she gets her Patented Abrasive Melissa Face on and starts berating Brandon about not being responsible blah blah WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DUMPED YOUR KID OFF ON HIM, SNATCH. Like, he was doing you the favor.

Which is basically what he tells her, but not in a jerky, typical-Brandon way. Which was a pleasant change of pace, I might add. And then he asks, in all sincerity, what's wrong.

And Melissa's dressed as the Youngest Nun In The Abbey and is still a sea-hag and explains that, "My interview was a complete disaster; this guy was a conservative jerk; he said he had serious doubts I could handle Harvard with a kid." Which...she probably couldn't. But who am I to judge. Oh. Wait...

And then she goes on to say that she thinks she made a mistake deciding to be a mom (Can...she say that? Is that allowed?), and that her mom went to Harvard and expects the same from her (Melissa) but if her grades keep dropping she'll have to forget about it. And Brandon, who's really just trying to help (SHOCKING, I KNOW) says, "Hey, when I first came here, my grades dropped. It was hard for me to adjust but I did." And like...it does sound completely imbecilic, but it was actually very sweet. But Melissa, who sucks FAR WORSE than Brandon says, "Brandon, it's not the same thing; you were the new kid for a minute, I'm the new mom forever." Like, first of all, thanks for the dramatics, DOUCHE. And second of all: Um, I don't think you can call yourself "the new mom" after, say, the first year? Right? It just seems really ridiculous (and again, over-the-top) that you'd continue to refer to yourself as "new" at the whole mom-gig when the kid's like, 15 or something. In conclusion: DEAR MELISSA - I HATE YOU.

The next morning: Brandon walks into the Jack and Jill and sees...

...Brenda, dressed like I was everyday in 7th grade. Apparently Don told her to practice. Because jumping from the side of your bathtub and leaping from a plane are TOTES the same thing. I hope Don was fired after this class, considering this advice and what's going to take place when Brenda and Kelly actually do jump.

So Brandon's robe looks like it fell out of 1986, and Brenda's hair is looking pretty rad. And he feels bad about what happened with Melissa, which he really shouldn't AT ALL because Melissa is a gigantic dick and unstable mental case and should really have her child taken away from her anyway and then be sterilized.

And then sad, sad Cindy comes in and says, "I've got a great idea: let's have a family day the way we used to, I mean, we could go to the zoo; there's a new panda," and of course Brenda and Brandon bail on this plan and GET SOME FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE, JAY SHERMAN AND CINDY.

And then! Brenda, whose crotch-to-waistband length is about seventeen feet, knows what Brandon can do to make it up to Melissa. MAKE WHAT UP??? HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. HE GAVE THE KID A LITTLE ICE CREAM. BIG DEAL. AND HE ATTEMPTED TO LEND MELISSA A SHOULDER TO CRY ON BUT SHE JUST ACTED LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE AND LEFT.

ANYway, he arrives at Melissa's with...this. A rattle bouquet. Which is a pretty shitty gift if you ask me, but she doesn't deserve anything but a slap to the face, so whatever. Anyway, she asks Brandon to go on a drive, and he asks if Joey can come along, and she says that he's asleep. She tells her mom that she's leaving, and Mrs. C. tells her to remember that both her (Mrs. C.) and her father have to work later that night. Melissa promises that her and Brandon won't be too long.

So they're driving along and Melissa's scrunchie eats Brandon and THE END. NO MORE BRANDON. Except not really, but that thing looks HUNGRY. ANYway, Brandon says, "So we'll just grab a bite and head back," and Melissa is a schizophrenic and says, "I feel so out of it. All I've been hearing are rapping [???] lullabies," like, WHUH? Were there a lot of rapping lullabies in the early-90s? Wait...what am I asking? OF COURSE there were a lot of rapping lullabies in the early 90s because IT WAS THE EARLY-90S. And then Brandon tells her that basketball really calmed Joey down, and she seems perfectly eager to talk about him and says that she watched a lot of games with her father when she was pregnant, and then Brandon makes the innocent comment of, "Do they really remember? I wonder what it was like for him in there," and then Melissa's seventeenth personality comes out and says "Listen, baby care's on recess, okay?" like, she was kind of the one who brought him up, talking about the rapping lullabies and all. And she reminisced about watching basketball when she was pregnant with Joey. And this is the same girl who, unprovoked, whipped out a picture of her son for her friends to look at, going on and on and on about him. I mean, whatever. I DESPISE MELISSA.

And then it's back to peaches and cream when her twenty-ninth personality comes out and tells Brandon to take some random turn off the road that they're on. And she says, "I used to be so scared I couldn't find my way back. Not anymore. I feel like doing something so crazy," like, I think you've got the "crazy" part covered just fine, Sybil.

Cut to: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

These two...look like mega-dorks. AHAHAHAHAHA!

So Particle Board Don says, "Okay, we're leveling off at 12,000 feet, are you girls ready to make the jump?"

So they head to the plane door and Brenda says, "I almost puked off the Empire State Building and that was eleven-thousand feet lower...I don't know, Kel. This might have to be a solo mission on your part," and Kelly's all, "No way, Brenda, I'm not leaving you up here with Don Juan," like, BARF, and then they bicker some more, and Kelly, OF COURSE, hits Don up for some solo lessons...

...and...that is not a good look for Gross Don. And then we learn that Don is The Worst Skydiving Instructor In The History Of The World...

...BECAUSE HE ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN MY GOD. Like, THEY START PHYSICALLY BRAWLING AT THE DOOR, TWELVE-THOUSAND FEET IN THE AIR AND WHAT. This is...not good. And Don is SO going to have his instructor license-whatever-thing revoked.

And then Stunt Kelly and Stunt Brenda fall to earth, and I really don't think that would happen either (on top of the whole underage thing), since, from the little I know about skydiving, I think your first few (several?) jumps are tandem. With an instructor. But seeing as Don's so incompetent at his job, maybe he just forgot that vital piece of the process. Anyway: THE END WITH THIS. AND MOVING ON.

More driving. And then Crazy Town, Population: Melissa sidles on up to Brandon and starts kissing him and Brandon says something about heading back, and Melissa says, "No, let's go further," and I don't think she's talking about driving anymore, you guys. And then Brandon says, "You're making it hard to drive," like, I'll bet it is, eh, Brandon? WAKA-WAKA. And she tells him to pull over...

...and he pulls the car off the road, presumably steering with his rock-hard wiener, and there is macking, and maybe this is how she got pregnant the first time, non? Anyway, Brandon says, "You're not acting like yourself," and Melissa's fifty-seventh personality comes out and says, "Because right now, I'd rather be anybody else...let's get really lost, stay up all night, watch the sunrise." Brandon says it sounds like a nice fantasy, and Melissa says that they could do it if they wanted to.

And then Brandon pretty reasonably asks, "And leave Joey?" like, it seems like a fairly logical question to me, but then again, I don't have seventy-seven personalities.

But Melissa does. And her sixty-third one comes out and pushes away from Brandon, all, "What, are you his father? Look, I feel guilty enough...I feel guilty when I'm with him, I feel guilty when I'm not with him. Suddenly you have a baby and nobody cares about you. Just for a second, I would like to be a teenage girl, and not a damn baby machine," like, FOR FUCKING CRYING OUT LOUD, WHAT, ARE YOU MICHELLE DUGGAR NOW? YOU HAD ONE BABY, NOT TWENTY-SEVEN. ALSO, I RECALL YOUR FRIENDS ASKING YOU TO HANG OUT WITH THEM ON MELROSE, LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL, AND YOU SAYING YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE JOEY AND SHUT UP MELISSA FOREVER AND EVER GO DIE.

So Brandon's being all concerned and caring and Un-Brandon Walsh-like and he hugs her and tells her it's going to be okay and then ANOTHER personality comes out and Melissa says, "I can handle it. Why don't you just take me home?" and how many personalities does Melissa have again? Infinity? Okay.

House of Walsh. These friendless losers are doing crossword puzzles, and Jim asks, "Six-letter word for patience?" And my answer is: NOT JIM WALSH. OH, WAIT. THAT'S ELEVEN LETTERS AND THREE WORDS. WHATEVER.

So Brenda comes in in the plague that is The Steve SAUNders Special, and she confesses to her parents that she actually went skydiving.

And Jim and Cindy are kind of annoyed, but mostly amused, it seems. And Cindy asks, "How was it?"

And Brenda kicks it Opening Credits Style and tells them, "Great." Can we be done with this yet? Not until Cindy says, "Parent," and Jim's all, "WHUH?" and Cindy says, "Six-letter word for patience," and Jim THE FUCKING DEVIANT SAYS, "I love it when you talk crossword," and Jim sure pops a Woodrow over the oddest things.

Downstairs. This might be the only time, EVER, that I say this, but: poor Brandon. Melissa comes in with Joey, and she's crying and says, "We had nowhere to go. God, I'm so lost," and CALL THE FUCKING RAP LINE THEN, MELISSA. GOD. WAY TO BURDEN EVERYONE ELSE WITH YOUR LUNACY. And Brandon continues to be supportive and caring and asks what happened, and Melissa explains that her parents were really pissed and think she stayed out deliberately (which she very obviously did) and that her mom had a meeting with a new client and Melissa blew it for her.

And then Brandon falls prey to her psychosis and says, "More guilt. Just what you need, huh?" and well, she was a selfish twit and stayed out when she shouldn't have, so she should feel guilty. And then she says, "What am I gonna do, Brandon?" and my response is: "WELL, FOR STARTERS, MAYBE NOT LAY YOUR BAGGAGE ON SOMEONE YOU'VE BEEN ON THREE DATES WITH, NUT JOB, DEAL WITH YOUR MENTAL PROBLEMS." I would make an excellent therapist, by the way. And then Brandon, STILL NICE MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING, offers to take Joey for a few days. Which, he might want to check with his parents before offering that suggestion up, but still: it was thoughtful.

But Melissa says, "Thanks. But, as much as I don't want to, I think I'm gonna have to give him up," and CAN YOU JUST DO THAT? I mean, I guess people do, no matter how old the kid is. But I would imagine those people are like, cooking meth in their backyard tool sheds, so whatever. And Brandon (ALONG WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD) can't believe what Melissa is saying, but it gets even worse with, "I can't handle the idea of being away from him for even a few days, but I just don't think I can make my dreams come true with him." So much for "taking responsibility," you shitty diarrhea person. Also: I somehow seriously doubt Melissa's parents would just allow Melissa to pack Joey up one day and head to the orphanage. Melissa continues to play the victim, saying that she wasn't ready for all of this, and YOU'RE A MONSTER, MELISSA. COMPLETELY.

So Jim and Cindy come downstairs, probably because they heard this loon crying up a storm in the foyer, and Cindy asks if everything is okay, and Melissa is all, "I'm sorry, I'm a complete mess," and I'd say that's putting it mildly.

So instead of leaving and dealing with her own goddamn problems, she barges into the living room and continues to be a total albatross to everyone in the Walsh household, i.e. near complete strangers. So she's looking at the books, and saying how she used to chain-read before Joey, and Cindy is kind of unhelpful and chimes in with, "I read about this study, where two professional football players followed toddlers around all day. The football players collapsed and the toddlers were still going," and...whatever, Cindy. And Melissa thinks that means that it will get harder, and Cindy says it gets better, too; you watch your kids grow and achieve and they become apart of your dreams. And then Melissa makes it all about her, and says, "Yeah, but you weren't a mom when you were 17," like, I'm sure she wasn't a goddamn train-wrecked crybaby at 17, either, jackass.

And then Melissa pretends to be a good mother for a few seconds and says, "Sometimes, I feel like I just have to get away from Joey. And then when I'm gone, I can't wait to hold him again. Remember the earthquake last month? I ran into Joey's room, I grabbed him, I kept him with me all night. It was for me," which just goes to prove that this is a selfish, selfish cunt we're dealing with here.

And then Cindy lays it down, Real Talk style, and asks, "Melissa, no one can do everything; the question is: what do you want?"

Cut to: West Bev, the following...week? Anyway, Brandon is so, so trashy here. Like, WOW. ANYway, he catches up with Crazy Pants, asking if he's "in time for the concert," and then tells Melissa she looks good.

And Melissa does not look good, what with The Steve SAUNders Special and her fucking enormous sweater, and she says as much, all, "Yeah, right. I was up all night with Joey. Guess what? He said 'mama'...actually, it was more like 'mahhhh' but it's a start." Oh, WHATEVER. And then she's all, "It's what they say when they need you," and I just CAN'T with this girl. I can't. She really needs a goddamn lobotomy or like, shock treatments. PICK A PERSONALITY AND GO WITH IT, MELISSA. ANYway, Brandon asks her to join him for lunch; she's gotta go home, which she gets to do because she worked out a half-time schedule and she'll get to Harvard (or the sanitarium) eventually, it might just take an extra semester (and possible anti-psychotic medication).

So low-rent-looking Brandon applies some more rouge to his cheeks and asks about having dinner with her and Joey on Friday, and Melissa asks for a rain check; she's suddenly a Good Mom now (or, her thirty-third personality is a good mom) and her and Joey need to hang out, just the two of them. Brandon says, "I've never been dumped for such a cute guy, alright. Okay. I get visitation rights, okay?" and Melissa says, "You bet," which she really doesn't mean, given the fact that we never see her again. Thankfully. Because she was just awful. The end, y'all.

See you back here for "Slumber Party", which used to be one of my favorites as a wee lass, but watching it as an adult, I realize that it's at once pretty depressing and super-infuriating. Also: there's a whole lot of Steve in it, and that never bodes well for an episode.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.