Season 2; Episode 5 - Play It Again, David: A Brain Exfoliation May Be Needed Following Sleaze-Coated Mel's Ensnarement Of Jackie And Her Hair Of ALL The Shame. Also: No One Cares About Brandon's Story Line. Just Like Always.

In which I kind of hate myself after writing this thing, given that I mercilessly poke fun at a character (a CHILD, no less) who is being beaten at home.  And has moles on his face.  I *might* be receiving my one-way ticket to the 7th Circle Of Hell following this one, you guys.  Let's just hope there's WiFi down there.  And alcohol.  And Seinfeld.  So anyway.  Let's rock.

So we start off at West Bev, with an exterior shot that's actually from the "Pilot" episode, seeing as  all of these extras who probably didn't earn their SAG cards with this showing are all looking up in the sky at Marianne's ridiculous airplane invite.

Inside, we see AHHHHHHHNdrea's clothed for some kind of Dress Like Your Hideous Mom Who's Stuck In 1983 Fashion Show? later in the episode? That's the only excuse for that Steve SAUNder'ed up, tail-fronted atrocity she's sporting.  Brenda, meanwhile, is wearing a dress that I would repeatedly make sweet, sweet love to.  ANYhow, as if anyone in creation cares, AHHHHNdrea's moaning about being humiliated.  No, not on just a daily basis because of how she dresses and her general demeanor, but about making a fool of herself for having to imitate a duck in front of their drama class and of course, Garg.

Donna looks rather adorable as well.  Or would look adorable if her skirt managed to clear her labia.  FUUUUUUUCK, Brenda's dress though.  Also: HAIR.  Anyway, AHHHHHHHNdrea's yammering on about something I don't care about because AHHHHHHNdrea.

And then here comes Kelly, Belly-Baring Bitch-Face.  She's arrived at school to take Brenda to lunch at the club with Jackie.  I pray that Jackie has fallen off the sobriety wagon and will be in Jerry Rattinger's cokey cabana, deviating her septum and wearing something similar to this elegant and tasteful ensem:

Nothin' screams "Coke Whore" more than a fringed pubic mound.

So Kelly's all ooked out about being in school during the summer and apparently is in a hurry to get to the beach to show off her odd, matching sports-bra-and-belt-looped-Umbros-looking getup.

Unfortunately for anyone with a sense of humor or a pulse, AHHHHHHNdrea asked for a ride to the BHBC because she needs to up her Brandon stalking game since it's the summer and she hasn't been able to go through his garbage or steal his dirty jock-strap from his gym locker in a couple of months and even in terms of stalking, practice makes perfect! talk to Brandon about something.  And Kelly's an idiot and tells AHHHHHNdrea, "Maybe that's your problem.  Too much talk and not enough..." which I'm assuming she was going to finish up in typical Taylor Women fashion with "cooter" but we'll never know since AHHHHHNdrea interrupts her and says, "This may come as a shock to you but it is possible just to be friends with a guy," and I love how AHHHHHHNdrea constantly fronts like she's not completely barfily in love and spookily obsessed with Brandon, like she's not incessantly praying to the Brandon Shrine in her hovel-y Valley House at night that He Will Someday Be Hers.  So whatever, Kelly's only moronic response to AHHHHHHHNdrea's lies is, "Not if he's adorable." Which Brandon soooooo isn't.  I mean, sometimes when you look at him and forget EVERYTHING you know about him and don't think of his smug, self-righteous voice, and ignore his rounded-out bang/swoop area, he's actually pretty attractive.  But when you factor in all of his downright ghastliness as a human being living in society? He's the scabby dregs in a coffee pot full of genital lice, pus and tears.  Moving on...oh! But first: BRENDA'S DRESS, HAIR AND TOTE BAG.  I'm not quite so fond of the shoes, which appear to be dusty pink-colored, heeled slingbacks.  I would personally wear this dress with some Doc boots (yes, because it's 1994 in the museum that is my brain and you can just call me by my legal name of "Any Episode Of My So-Called Life") or maybe these Creepers, which are very Elaine Benes.  Wow.  Does ANYONE care about ANY of this? Including ANYTHING going on in the scene above? Fuck no? Well, all right then.  Moving on.

Kelly and Brenda arrive on the deck area of the beach club and sit down with Jackie, who sadly doesn't have coke boogers falling out of her nose, but is wearing a cute-ish polka-dot shift? dress and eating what she describes as "the world's best chicken salad."  There are no Goody hand mirrors or razor blades in the vicinity so we know Our Jackie is on the straight and narrow.  Too bad.

As the gals peruse the menu, Kelly says, "Brenda, they have a surf burger.  I wonder who they named that after," implying that it derived its name from Dylan? I guess? Or maybe, Kelly, you stupid bitch, it's called a "surf" burger because it's served at a goddamn beach club that's situated on the beach that's right next to the ocean.  Also: wouldn't Kelly have seen the menu 591 times before this moment, having been a member there for most/all of her life???

But Kelly saying Dylan's name is enough for Pretty, Pretty Brenda...

...TO START HAVING A DAYDREAM FANTASY WHATEVER ABOUT SCRAWN DYLAN.  RUNNING ON THE BEACH.  IN REALLY ODD LIGHTING.  And this sappy kind of daytime soap opera music plays as he does so.  AND THEN...

BRENDA AND DYLAN ARE FUCKING ON THE BEACH.  Only not really.  But a really quick glance would give you the impression that Brenda is naked right here.  Anyway, they're all From Here to Eternity (which is all Most Likely Gay Kyle ever wanted with Steve!) and then there are these really Low-Quality Dylan-And-Brenda Voiceovers, with Voiceover Dylan saying, "I miss you, Bren," and Voiceover Brenda saying, "I really miss you."

And then they get pounded by the waves and fuck, what an uncomfortable scene to film that must've been.  Add it to the running list I keep of Why I Could Never Be An Actor, right behind I Have No Discernible Talent As A Performer and Why The Fuck Would I Want To Be An Actor?

Brenda's snapped back into reality by Jackie, who asks if she's okay, and Brenda tells them, "Yeah.  I'm sorry, the sun's just making me a little spacey.  And I also have something new to masturbate to later tonight."

So Dylan didn't beat Brandon to death with a SALON THERAPY shampoo bottle and then hop on an on-the-lam flight to Hawaii at the end of the last episode, so we see Brandon here actually managing to do his job for once in his goddamn existence, by handing these two Totally '90s Broads their drinks.  And we also see Worthless Henry walking up, come to have a worthless conversation with Brandon while also needlessly and falsely praising him.  I mean, I assume.

So Worthless Henry worthlessly tells Brandon that Brenda's over eating lunch on the deck, and that Brandon also has a visitor which we all regrettably know is AHHHHHHHHNdrea and her grody hair, execrable clothing choices and general drabness.

And here she is, proving everything I just said in spades, and also showing off her Smothered Labia.  Anyway, it's at this point when she asks Brandon if he'll play Big Brother to some charity case she knows from The Valley Youth Center, who has a HUGE mole on his face (she fails to mention that part) and the unfortunate name of Felix.  So Brandon hems and haws and once again makes it seem as if he and his iron lung work down in a fucking coal mine all day, and that he doesn't have time to help out some probably-trashy kid from, ew, The Valley, and that he already fulfilled his supposed altruistic duties for the year by aiding Nat in shaping up The Poors.  But he eventually caves, probably so that AHHHHHHNdrea will go the hell away, and agrees to meet this kid at his low-rent apartment in Reseda (of course!) the next day.  Whatever.

So because Brandon and AHHHHHHNdrea's conversation was The Exact Opposite Of Fascinating, these three were all enraptured by it and trying to listen in? Huh? Anyway, Kelly's all, "What is that all about?" and Brenda absurdly answers, "High school intrigue," and Jackie even MORE absurdly says, "Always the best kind," because she's pretending that what Brenda said made any sense at all.

So then Jackie breaks a tooth on a shard of glass or a Lee Press-On Nail that was in her salad, and Brandon comes up in typical dildo fashion all, "Well, and how are the Ladies Who Lunch?" all Simpering Douche Who I Fucking Hate, and then we see Dweeb Mel there peeking around, trying to find a way to insert himself and save the day and monotonously ingratiate himself in Jackie's life and then knock her up and then marry her and then cheat on her almost immediately following the birth of their child and then do a bunch of other dreadful, terrible things and be a horrible, horrible person in general, whose voice doesn't rise above a sub-contra octave the rest of the entire fucking series.  In other words: it's a pleasure to have you, Mel.

BARF.  He somehow manages to be Zuckerman-levels of dorky, Child Toucher skeevy and an utter walking bottle of Tylenol PM, all at the same time.  Anyway, he's all, "Let me see that," and Jackie has enough sense to be like, "Who the fuck are you, ugly?" and Mel strokes himself off by telling her, "I'm the third-best oral surgeon in Los Angeles."

So Jackie and her sideburns that rival those of Dylan's are all, "Who are the first two?" and then there's some non-humorous non-banter about her not being a celebrity so it doesn't matter, and Mel telling Brandon to go get some crazy glue for the tooth, which, much like Mel, turns out to have been a poorly-delivered and not-at-all-funny joke.  Jackie's then all, "Are you really a dentist?" and Mel confirms that he is and then he gets all non-Slick Rick and sees that Jackie's ring finger is barren and asks, "Are you really single?" and RUN JACKIE RUN.  Seriously, you'll be spared DECADES of misery.  And so will we, the viewing audience.

ANYhow, Jackie can't just be single and semi-fabulous and be without a man's dick inside of her for any amount of time (a charming trait she passed down to her daughter, obviously) so she tells Mel that she's "painfully" single.  So then Mel, painful in a whole other way, shows his true, repulsive colors, all, "There's no charge for the procedure if you'd let me take you out to dinner...feel free to say no," and Kelly is actually RAD for a moment and tells her mother, "Say no." But Jackie of course pays no heed to her spawn and just needs to get off on a dude's attention and mirco-penis for an evening (no matter how off-putting and snOOOOOOzers and dullsville said dude, i.e. Mel, is) and says that she'd love to.  Of course you would, Jackie.  Of course.

The non-funny glue bit gets even non-funnier when Brandon hustles back up to the table with rubber cement and Mel tells him in his most colorless, droning tone without a scant hint of inflection, "No, I was just kidding about the glue." It's one knee-slapper after another with this guy.

So because Mel has probably seen David's sicko stalking videos of Kelly at school and probably like, in her own damn shower, he tells Jackie, "I think that my son goes to school with your daughter," and then it's revealed that his son is of course Prepubescent David Silver, and Jackie asks if Kelly knows the little piss-stain, and then Kelly has a nightmare flashback where she remembers this...

...from when David was apparently going through his Crispin Glover phase, and then this...

...from when David was jacking off in the DJ booth while looking at Kelly, and then this...

...from when he dragged his Almost-Dead friend to perpetrate a criminal act by playing Peeping Tom and taking pictures of girls in their pajamas.

So, as any normal erect bipedal primate mammal on the planet would do, Kelly pretty much denies knowing anything about David, but sort of cops to the fact that she knows of him, which is still a violent crime against the soul that should be punishable by flinging oneself in front of a speeding Amtrak train all the same.  But of course Mel is just as perverted and delusional as his dweeb son, so he tells them, "All the pretty girls know David.  I wish I had his luck with women, he's such a ladies man.  Ever since he was in the 6th grade and he started dating a 7th grade cheerleader." He fails to mention that the 7th grade cheerleader was in a coma when David asked her out, having broken her neck following a particularly dangerous basket toss.  Little did she know how handy that persistent vegetative state would be.

Cut to the Office Of Taylor the next morning.

Kelly's in her garrishly decor'ed room wearing what appears to be adorable jams.  She's on the phone with Brenda, telling her, "Can you believe what happened at lunch yesterday? It's like straight out of a David Lynch movie or something," which is a reference I finally understand, having finally watched Twin Peaks on Netflix.  Look at me, all in-the-know and up to date on 24-year-old cultural references!

Anyway, Brenda tells her it's not the end of the world, and then Kelly makes Brenda promise not to tell anyone.  Because anyone cares anything about any character over the age of 25 on this show.  Moving on.

Brenda gets off the phone and for some reason Jim and Cindy are all interested in whatever their daughter was discussing with her friend, probably because they don't have lives or friends of their own.  It's all very uninteresting and I'm on the brink of tying cinder blocks to my ankles and perusing the neighborhood for a pool or possibly a dog's outdoor water dish to drown myself in, so whatever.

Unfortunately for three-quarters of the Family Walsh, Brandon enters the kitchen at this moment, and after telling the others that he's going to play Big Brother to some poor white trash kid from the Really Wrong Side Of The Tracks, Jim plays into Brandon's little Overworked & Underpaid routine and tells him not to spread himself too thin.  Brandon and his Tony Manero Necklace© and lady shorts reassure his dad, "Hey, don't worry about it, Dad.  I mean, I always wanted a little brother anyway, right?" I'd like to remind Brandon that no one has ever wanted him for a big brother, biologically or otherwise.

Sometime later we arrive at the trashy apartment complex where Felix lives.  You can tell it's trashy because of its anemic wall color and the shabby landscaping.  Brandon pets a cat sitting on Felix's stoop, and the cat does not in turn use Brandon's leg, arm or face as a scratching post.  You're a real disappointment, Rando Cat.

Brandon knocks on the door and who should answer it but Felix's MEGA-trashy mother, Suzanne, who has "Ersatz Luanne 'Mother Of A Wet-Lipped, Cross-Eyed Asshole' Pruit" written allllll over her:

Totally.

So she invites Brandon in and he lies and tells her she's got a nice place, because I'm certain people who look like Suzanne really care about the upkeep of their home and don't have like, cigarette ash and Whopper wrappers and used kitty litter strewn about.  Also: given Brandon's outfit, necklace and hair, he appears to be right at home in this dump.  ANYway, they talk about how Felix's dad is a deadbeat and how he hasn't seen his kid in 3 years and that he lives in Phoenix with his new kids who probably don't have really distracting protuberances on their faces.  I mean, I assume.  So Suzanne goes on and on about all of the trash-dog drama in her life and it's just super-classy.

And then here he is! The Man, The Myth, The Mole(s?): Felix.  Who rocks a major Brad Renfro vibe, non? So Felix is a little jerk, of course, and Suzanne basically demands that he kiss her weathered, smoke-encrusted face before he leaves with Brandon.  And then she tells Brandon that Felix is a good kid just a bit "difficult at times.  Too difficult for his last big brother, I guess.  But not too difficult for my fists," only she maybe leaves out that last part.  But because Brandon thinks he's the best at everything (he's not) he says, "Well, he doesn't look so scary to me." Really? Even with those...things on his face?

Cut to the beach boardwalk and Felix, like, running? in his rollerblades? That's basically what it looks like anyway.

Coming up behind Felix is pantywaist Brandon all Patented Disgusting Open-Mouthed Brandon Face©, calling after Felix, "Be careful!"

But Felix is not careful and knocks these two Totally '90s Chicks in their Totally '90s Sportswear aside.  Felix is the precise definition of Why I Really, Really, Really Don't Like, Like, 99% Of Children.

So Brandon finally manages to catch up to the little puke and rather than doing anything (read: shoving Felix mole-first into the sand and then spitting on said mole; hey, violence begets violence, what can I say?) about the fact that Felix possibly seriously maimed two people by being an ugly piece of shit and pushing them off the boardwalk while they were wearing roller skates, he just tells him, "Try to stay with me, huh, man? I don't wanna lose ya." So Felix is all, "You know you don't have to do this.  I got friends ya know," and not with that facial growth, you don't.  So then Brandon spouts off some verging-on-Chomo-tripe about thinking Felix "wanted someone a little older to hang out with." Whatever.  No one wants to hang out with Brandon.  No matter what age, race, creed, religion, gender or species they are.  Which is why when Felix asks, "Don't you have anything better to do than hang out with some stupid kid?" my response is, "No, sweetie, he really doesn't.  Unless it's Opposite Day again and you count hanging out with AHHHHHHHNdrea as 'better.' But  even on Opposite Day, AHHHHHHHNdrea is the human equivalent of a bespectacled No. 2 pencil lodged up your urethra."

Egads. Also: please note here that Steve is not wearing shoes.

And now see here, nanoseconds later, he's miraculously wearing a white pair of Chucks or Vans or something. (Also: he's probably presenting his white-blonde pube-coated ballsack to the ladies sitting like that in those micro-shorts he's wearing.  Anyway.) Whoever was in charge of continuity on this show should be shot.  I mean like, in current day.  Like, someone should go and find them and kill them for the depravity against the field of script supervision they committed 20-some years ago.  It's the only way they'll learn.  Anywhatever, Steve approaches Kelly and Donna sunbathing on the deck and is just as charming as always and asks about Jackie and Mel's upcoming date and asks of Mel, "Think he'll bag her on the first date?" First of all: the very thought of that? Induces in me a desire to open up my dishwasher, pull out the bottom drawer, turn all of the steak knives blade-up and all of the forks tine-up and then accidentally trip over one of my cats and fall into the silverware caddy, if by "accidentally" and "trip" I mean "purposely" and "pay off one of my cats to assist in my suicide by mercifully paw-pushing me chest first on top of the stainless steel serrated edges." Secondly: shut up, Steve.  Which is basically what Kelly tells him when she speaks for SOCIETY and advises, "Steve, you are such a swine.  Why don't you go take a hike in the ocean and drown yourself."  Steve then calls her "touchy" and walks away to go flash his woolly testicles to some other poor, unsuspecting victim.

So then Donna and her Bermuda Hay hair tell Kelly, "What's the big deal? I mean just because David's a geek doesn't mean his dad is." Um, have you seen Mel, Donna? If you looked up the word "geek" in the dictionary, his picture would be right next to it as an example.  It would also be next to the words "douche-canoe," "creepy," "gross," "heave," "disgusting," "perve," and "probably-an-unwarranted-butt-groper." Because that's a descriptive hyphenate that's totally in the dictionary.  Anyhow, Kelly says, "The avocado doesn't fall far from the tree," because she lives in California and the writers thought it would be clever (they were wrong).  And then the Stockholm Syndrome that will have Donna in its grasp for the next 9 years begins to show and she tells Kelly that she kind of got to know David while they were working on their ludicrous Romeo and Juliet scene a couple of episodes back and that David's not that bad.  Kelly's like the rest of the world and doesn't buy it and begins to concoct a desperate scheme to prevent the inception of Jackie And Mel: The Early Years, which we all know will be a lost cause, but A for effort, Kelly.

Back to these two.  Brandon roughs Felix up a bit, like, this mole with a kid attached to it can't catch a break in the Child Assault At The Hands Of A Supposed Trusted Adult department.  So Brandon takes Felix over to the bar area and orders them lemonades and tries to act all tough like he's not more than a couple of inches taller and a few pounds heavier than this elementary school-aged kid.

He heads over to the payphone to put a call into AHHHHHHHNdrea, who (thankfully for Brandon) doesn't answer, and whose outgoing answering machine message is just as irritating and ragingly AHHHHHHHHNdrea as you'd expect it to be, to wit: "Hello, you've reached the Zuckerman residence.  At the sound of the tone leave your name, number and the time of your call and the appropriate Zuckerman will get back to you promptly.  Thank you." And I would venture to say the Zuckerman's don't get too many messages, what, with the unassuming caller having to be subjected to AHHHHHHHNdrea's nauseating AHHHHHHHNdrea voice, all haughty and stick-up-her-ass and most people probably slam their receiver down once they get to the whole "appropriate Zuckmerman" part, and AHHHHHHHHNdrea really just ruins ALL the things with her general AHHHHHHHHHNdrea-ness.

GAH.  So Brandon manages to stay on the line to leave his own message, and starts railing against Felix, all, "AHHHHHHHHNdrea.  Thanks a lot.  Beginning to think the only reason you dumped Felix on me was to get him off your back for a while.  I'm tellin' you, this kid is a royal pain in..." and I'm certain AHHHHHHHNdrea's parents will appreciate this aggressive, bordering-on-verbally-abusive message left for their daughter.  Anyway, Felix comes up at this moment and scares that shit out of mankind and Brandon, having overheard Brandon's message and offering up the lemonade.

Brandon hangs up the payphone receiver as Felix apologizes with, "Sorry for being such a pain in the butt.  And sorry that you have to look at these grotesque facial protuberances on my face," only perhaps not that last part.  And Brandon looks all sweaty and grotesque himself here and asks, "Is that your way of testin' people or somethin'?...Look, Felix, I'm not a babysitter, all right.  The only reason I'm hangin' out with you is 'cause I thought you wanted someone older to hang out with," and the more Brandon touts that as a reason the more spooky and concerning it becomes.

So Felix disregards what Brandon just said, as EVERYONE on ALL planets in the solar system should disregard what Brandon says, and asks, "What is this place, anyway?" and Brandon tells him it's the BHBC and it's where he works and that, "I figured as long as I had to work over my vacation I might as well look at pretty girls and get a tan while I was at it," because he thinks he's fucking Don Juan or some shit.  And then it's determined that Brandon will hang out with Felix and his moles again and that perhaps Felix can help him out at work some time.  Because that sounds like an excellent and not-at-all inappropriate idea.

Office Of Taylor, nighttime.

Also: the Taylor Foyer has always fascinated me, specifically the door.  It's like a futuristic entryway into another dimension.

GAG.  Unfortunately said dimension leads us to this cheesedick, who's arrived for his date with Desperate Jackie.  Seriously, coke is a better option than this choad.

So he and Kelly stand around and he's probably thinking about putting the moves on her and then he brings up his mutant son all, "I hear you and David hang out together," which yes, I guess has happened in the past, but only because David is a fucking loser-succubus who attaches himself to a healthy host and then infects everyone around him.  Kelly is rightfully revolted by David's revisionist history, but Mel doesn't seem to notice as he goes into another monotonous diatribe about his albatross of a son: "Well, I've gotta tell you Kelly, you've got a real fan in my son.  And when David likes somebody, I mean, really likes somebody, you can be sure of one thing...You've got a friend for life." More like, "You've got a predator who will eat your soul and take away your will to live for life." Sounds like a real prize.  Luckily Kelly's there to awesomely and snarkily respond with, "How lucky for me."

And then Jackie comes down the stairs and would look pretty dishy if it wasn't for her Tragic Hair Situation.

So then there's some non-humorous non-banter about the flowers and how Mel didn't have to bring them and then he goes to take them back and Mel and Jackie laugh and laugh and laugh and seriously Jackie must be hard-up as fuck to even be dealing with this MEGA TOOL of a dude.  So then they're off on their merry way and Kelly's only reaction is this:

I feel you, Kelly.  I feel you.

Next day, BHBC.  Felix and his moles are helping Brandon out at work, so Brandon gets to do even less than he normally does, which seemed impossible seeing as all Brandon does at work is walk around with Goon Steve and Goon Steve's pygmy shorts.  So then some Rando Broad comments on Felix being Brandon's "Little Helper," thereby exacerbating the creepy, unseemly overtones of this whole episode.

Up comes Worthless Henry to get a few more lines in for the episode, all, "What's with the kid?" Like, no shit.  Who the fuck would bring some trashy rando kid (from RESEDA, no less!!!) to work with them and think that it's all right? Then again, Brandon got away with breaking into the club and playing poker at night and lying to Henry about it for days and days, so of course he thinks bringing Felix to work with him is just dandy.  He could apparently steal money from the till at the bar and then messy defecate on Henry's VHS tapes of recorded episodes of The Young and the Restless and then wipe his ass with the cash he just stole and he'd keep his job.  ANYway, Brandon tells Henry that he's playing Big Brother to Felix, and Henry alerts Brandon to the fact that Felix is disgusting and stole French fries from a tray of food and hopefully the person who's going to eat that plate of fries doesn't catch Hepatitis or lice or staph or whatever else grubby people from The Valley carry around with them.  Sick.  Brandon says that he'll keep a better eye on Felix, which we all know isn't true, right? Right.  Also: Is it just me or does this entire story line have flavors of Poor Curtis And His Unsightly Hair Don't Have A Home sprinkled into it?

Back to House Of Walsh.

Cindy and Brenda are in the kitchen making French fries (what a coincidence) talking about how apparently Jackie and Mel's date (unfortunately) went great and that Kelly's justifiably freaking out and then Cindy says, "She'll get over it...when you meet somebody you care about things just have a way of working themselves out," so then Brenda calls her mother a romantic and Cindy tells Brenda to be careful because it "runs in the family," and THEN!

Dylan, AGAIN, appears as if from nowhere!  WHATTHEWHAT.  As Teebore mentioned in the comments for "Anaconda," Dylan himself must be a Mystical Surf Wizard.  But really, Brenda's just having a Dylan Hallucination.

As my friend Cara would say, "Helloooo, Nurse." So the Dylan Hallucination asks, "So Brenda, what do you think? Are things gonna work out between us?"


All Brenda's thinking is that she probably shouldn't do a bunch of PCP before dinner.

Unfortunately for Cindy and Brenda, Brandon and Felix walk in at that moment and they both lose their appetites after catching a glimpse of the nubs jutting out of Felix's face.  But they have to pretend otherwise and act all courteous and whatever and introductions are made and then it's decided that regrettably Felix will be staying for dinner.

So because Felix is poor and will obviously never move beyond menial labor for the rest of his life, he gets put to work making the "famous Walsh French fries," like maybe once they're done and plated he can steal some with his grubby Valley paws.

So of course Brandon gives him a little pat on the back all, "All right, go ahead and dump 'em in!" and Felix flips.  THE FUCK.  Out, all crying out in pain, "AHHHHH! Ahhhhhhh!" Because his back is where his trashy mom beats him and probably puts cigarettes out on him.  And then he's all, "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm really sorry," and all the sorrys in the world aren't going to bring those French fries back, Felix, you worthless sack of facial nodules.  Anyway, he blames it all on being clumsy and the Walshes have to act like he didn't just completely ruin their dinner and Cindy tells Felix to call his trashy mother and let her know where he's at.

Ooooooo! But this is what Felix does instead!

And then he has this fake conversation while being totally obvious about not actually being on a phone call: "Hi Mom.  Everything's great.  I helped Brandon out at the beach club today.  Now they want me to stay for dinner.  I'm at their house, is that okay? Okay.  Bye, Mom.  I love you too." And he says the "I love you, too," part all sad-sacky, so if you hadn't figured out that Felix's mom beats him by this point, that line, delivered by this extremely terrible child actor, was there to clue you in.

BHBC, the next whatever.

Poor Kelly.  She's just trying to get some sun when...

...THIS creature shows up.  And he says that he heard, "your mom and my dad had a pretty swingin' time last night," and Kelly tells him that the repulsive dicks (i.e. Mel's) Jackie sucks off are Jackie's own personal business and basically tells David to fuck off in her cuntiest voice.  But much like his father, David can't take a hint and happily posits, "Wouldn't it be cool if we ended up step brother and step sister?" before walking away to probably go jerk off in his cabana after having just seen Kelly in a bikini.  Kelly then has a horrifying imagining of What Might Become if in fact Jackie and Mel get married and she's forced to co-habitat with a hobgoblin like David:

So we follow Kelly into her waking nightmare, which takes place in her bedroom at the Office Of Taylor, which is a nightmare in and of itself.  Because we've all seen DEMON Kelly, right?

Right.

Back to this.  Some dweeb who's Not Scott pulls a pair of Kelly's underwear out from somewhere and says, "Whoa! Gee, I wonder how much these will bring in at the West Beverly auction."

And then this abomination of a human comes up and tells Dweeb 1, "Not as much as a picture of Kelly wearin' 'em," and I would say that Kelly's vision here is pretty damn accurate.

Speaking of Kelly, she enters Her Own Personal Hell at this moment, shrieking, "Oh my god! What're you guys...[grabbing her underwear out of Dweeb 1's hands] give me that! Get outta my room, get outta my room now!"

Sadly for the viewing audience, we get a MEGA (appalling) zoom in of David saying, "She's even cuter mad."

Kelly is snapped back to reality after envisioning David's face that close up and says aloud to no one, "I've gotta do something."


Back to Office Of Taylor.  Oh, Jackie.  Your hair.  And your taste in men.

HORK.

MY GOD.  So I guess because all Mel wants to do is get a shot at Jackie's weathered old addict vagina, he asks her out again for the next night, but Jackie tells him that she already has plans with the daughter she rarely considers and Mel's all, "So bring her.  I'll bring David, we'll make it a foursome," because introducing your kid to the dude you're banging (or at least blowing) and his kid after two dates sounds like a GREAT idea to me and not totally a way to fuck up your daughter and cause her to think that her self-worth can only come from a man.

SERIOUSLY, Jackie would be so gorgeous with a different hairstyle.  ANYHOW, she actually has the sense to ask Mel, "Are you sure there's nothing weird about you? Something that you're hiding?" and he asks why, and Jackie rolls out all of her shitty, dramatic baggage and tells him, "I'm used to men with major liabilities.  You just seem too good to be true," and again, it must be Opposite Day.  I'll have to check my calendar.

But then Mel actually has the decency to speak the most truthful words he will ever say on this show, although he presents them as if they're totally not gospel, and it's obviously his sociopathic way of hitting Jackie with a little reverse psychology: "Well, give it time.  Under the surface I'm an egomaniacal monster, but by the time you find out the truth it'll be too late," and yes, I would say having this dude bust a nut inside of you and impregnating you and marrying you while you're wearing this...

...would be considered "too late." RUN JACKIE RUN LIKE THE WIND! Anyhow, Mel then adopts this even-more-creepy (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE) Dr. Frankenstein accent (?????????????????) and says, "You'll be in my clutches." Yes, she most certainly will.

So Mel leaves with a, "I'll pick you up at 7," for their bad-form-of-a-date the next night and Kelly comes down the stairs and asks how the evening went and Jackie's all, "Two for two," like, has anyone ever considered that maybe Jackie fell down once while she was on a coke-and-Popov bender and suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury? Because that might sort of explain all of her desperation and delusion in regards to the walking, talking, bloody-pus-secreting rectal boil known in some circles as Mel Silver, DDS.  So Kelly is perfectly logical and reasonable and asks, "Mom, I thought they told you you should stay single for a while? To adjust to being sober," like for real.  I'm not familiar with AA or rehab in general, but I would imagine they would advise you to steer clear of any threat that might be posed to your sobriety, such as narcissistic fucks like Mel who will inevitably extinguish any desire you have to live by being a lying, cheating, wormy-looking shifty bitch.

So rather than addressing her daughter's concerns at all, Jackie just says, "Kelly, please.  You can't be both my therapist and my daughter." Well, you obviously need some kind of caretaker, seeing as you make really dreadful life decisions.  I feel like Jackie would've been a perfect candidate for the Starting Over house.  Anyway, she tells Kelly that she can get to know Mel better (FOR WHY would ANYONE want to do that???) the next night when they're all having a really forced and premature dinner, and Kelly, again, RIGHTFULLY gets pissed, asking, "I thought you and I were having dinner together tomorrow?" but because Jackie will obviously throw even her own flesh and blood over for some guy's musty schlong, she tells Kelly, "I know, but I thought we'd make it a happy foursome.  You, me, Mel and David.  Doesn't that sound fun?" And Kelly replies as the rest of the cosmos would reply with, "No, that sounds totally excruciating." And she basically says that she won't be able to make it.  Because she'll be too busy retching over the toilet in the bathroom at the very thought of having dinner with David and Mel to actually go have dinner with David and Mel.

But again, Jackie's completely dickmatized by Mel's nerdly penis and forcefully informs her daughter, "Kelly, you're going to make it."

My thoughts exactly, Kelly.

AGAIN, back at the beach club.  Felix approaches the bar and asks for a Coke from the guy who looks like he's late for his barbershop quartet's weekly practice.  When asked his name, Felix tells him, "Walsh.  Felix Walsh...I'm Brandon's little brother." And why ANYONE ANYWHERE would want to pretend to be related to Brandon, even as like, a distant fifth cousin, twenty-nine times removed, is beyond me.  Seriously, Felix: I'd rather take your mother's Smoke-Glazed Fists Of Fury.

Over to Worthless Henry catching up to Brandon to tell him that Felix showed up at the club again and is being a real nuisance and telling everyone that he's Brandon's brother.  Brandon appears to be just as shocked as I am that anyone would cop to that.

So then Brandon finds Felix and basically tells him, "Take this quarter.  Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face," meaning, smell ya later, Felix.  But for some odd reason, Felix really doesn't want to deal with, you know, being concussed at home, so he pretty much begs Brandon to stay and help him with his "work duties" (HA), but Brandon says no and that he'll see Felix the next day.

Over to...this.  Ugh.  Can we not?

I guess we have to.  So David asks, "Hey Kel.  How 'bout a few words of summer wisdom for posterity?" which Kelly RADLY responds to with, "Get lost."

David turns around and finds Steve, who is 41.  And who really shouldn't be out in the sun like this, and who's wearing his clearance rack racerback tank from Forever 21.  So David asks him the same thing he asked Kelly.  And Steve's all, "Well what can I say? It's great to be young [AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA], I wish they all could be California girls, do you know what I'm sayin'?" No one knows what you're saying, Steve.  Oh, and also: NO ONE CARES.

So then David goes and hopefully gets caught in some kind of quicksand boobytrap on the beach and Kelly asks Steve how he can stand being around David and he doesn't reply with, "Because we're both terrible and as they say, birds of a feather," but I do.  And then Kelly tells him about their "family" dinner that evening, and Steve informs her, "Single parents never want the two sides to get together unless it's serious," and I would venture to say that trashy heaps of garbage parents, i.e. Jackie, don't have a problem with it, and also: if Mel and Jackie are really that "serious" after only two dates, they should both probably be sterilized and then placed in some kind of Forever Internment Camp where lobotomies and genital leech-therapy are daily requirements.

So Kelly, so pretty here in that color, bolts up and asks Steve what she can do to stop the disease, i.e. Jackie and Mel's horror show relationship, dead in its tracks.  So Steve tells her, "You've gotta let David Silver's father know right from the start that life with you won't be worth living.  Gotta be the step-child from hell." I mean, since Mel will be the Step-Father From Hell, I don't actually see a problem with Steve's advice.

Some restaurant.  I'm pretty sure this is the same restaurant exterior that will be used Until The End Of Time on this show.  Like, I think like, Donna and Noah (shudder) have dinner in this restaurant in Season 10 or something.

Inside, the non-happy foursome is led to their table and Kelly's all, "Mom isn't this the place that gave Laurie food poisoning?" And David asks Kelly if she ever dreamed that this (the dinner? I guess?) would ever happen and Kelly tells him, "Not in my wildest, Feddy Krueger nightmares."

Everyone sits down and Mel of course thinks that in order to get into Jackie's probably-inappropriate thong he has to suck up to Kelly, when we all know that a gram of coke and the promise of pearl necklace (euphemistic or otherwise) is all it takes to win Our Jackie's heart.  So Mel tells Kelly, "I hope we're not dragging you away from your friends tonight, but Jackie and I thought that having dinner together..." AFTER TWO FUCKING DATES "...would be fun."

Jennie Garth seriously served up the greatest Bitch Face on television, ever.  Especially during the early years of the show.  And she gives Mel the straight poop: "Let me tell ya something about Kelly, Mel.  To know her is not to love her." Jackie's all scandalized by her statement, but then Mel takes things to Scuzzbag Levels by basically admitting to beating off to all of the video footage David's taken of Kelly at school: "Well, that's not what I hear.  Or rather, see on video."

So David's all, "Dad, you're embarrassing me," and I would say that David should be less embarrassed about what his father is saying and more embarrassed by the fact that he's wearing one of Cindy's Casual Corner blouses and a Big & Tall version of Play of Kid 'n Play's blazer from the set of Class Act.  Anyhow, Jackie says, "David, your father tells me you're West Beverly's video historian," and I wouldn't call perving on girls and piecing together Brandon's asinine "campaign" commercial being a "video historian," but whatever.  Kelly tells everyone that David's basically a skeevy voyeur and she can't go anywhere at school without his fucking camera in her face.  Which again: is true.  So then Mel Chester Molesters, "David, I forbid you to commit one more inch of videotape to that gorgeous face," and I know that I can't convey it here, but the way Mel talks in his shuddersome monotone voice is enough to cause anyone to call their local sex crimes unit and report a possible definite sexual deviant, and then hop in a swimming pool filled with bleach, sucker fish and jagged shards of glass, in order to try to cleanse themselves of the mere memory of Mel FUCKING Silver.

More of Kelly's snottiness ensues, including her berating Mel for offering Jackie a cocktail, which really, is more of Jackie's fault, seeing as she's apparently kept the fact that she's a giant addict teetering on the edge from Mel.  So, let's introduce our families after a couple of dates, but I'm not going to divulge my iniquitous past to you? Sounds like Jackie's got the foundation of a truly healthy, promising relationship.  So then Kelly's Audi 5000, which sounds like a plan to me seeing as this dinner is a big fat bore.

And then, with Mel and David unfortunately looking on, Jackie and Kelly have a really trash-dog fight.  But it's mostly trash-dog on Jackie's part, since all Kelly wants to do is understandably peace the fuck out of there.  So Kelly asks, "If he's so great, why don't you go ahead and marry him?" meaning Mel.  So Jackie's all, "Oh, Kelly, don't be ridiculous! We just met." And yet you've already forced an introduction of him on your daughter and are having group dinners with him and his troglodyticly-hairlined son.  Hmm.

So then Kelly lays down the Realest Real Talk In All Of Realness on her mother: "You know what? Ever since you and Dad got divorced, almost my entire life, you have either been married or drunk.  I just thought that when you finally got outta Timber Hills, you would want to spend some time getting to know me."  So Jackie claims that's precisely what she's doing and Kelly is a BADASS Who Speaks ALLLLLL The Truths and says, "This is not about me, this is about you and some guy." FUUUUUUUCK.  THIS.  JUST...ALL OF THIS.  Truer words have never been spoken.  Which is probably why Jackie sidesteps them and simply says, "Please, cut me a little slack.  Don't I have a right to be happy?" Which she can only apparently be with a dick inside of her.  Whatever.

And then they go on for some time about Kelly wanting Jackie all to herself for a while and not wanting to share her mother with David Silver (seriously; that's a heinous thought) and all Jackie can say is, "Shhhh.  I understand." Understand what? That you're a shitty diarrhea mom? And that you're going to continue to date the goon, even though it's obviously been pretty psychologically damaging to your kid? MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.  So then they go back to the table.  WHATEVER.  Also: I think Jennie Garth did an excellent job with that scene.

Back to the beach for the infinitude time this episode.

Brandon meets up with Worthless Henry, who asks why he's at the club on his day off, and Brandon tells Henry he was going to meet Felix and his moles there, but they're an hour late.  And then Henry calls Felix a "little squirt" and asks if Brandon doesn't have better things to do than be stood up by said "little squirt." I reply as I did to Felix earlier in the episode with, "No, Henry, he really doesn't."

Cut to Felix's trashy apartment complex.  Here's a non-interesting tidbit for you: when I was growing up, the low-classy middle school in my district was called Euclid.  Based on where I lived I was supposed to go there.  But because I was so glamorous and privileged (I was absolutely neither of those things) I Pulled A Zuckerman and went to another school.  Unlike AHHHHHHHNdrea, however, I didn't bring it up every 29 goddamn seconds and pretend that I was on the lamb from committing a federal offense.  Shut up, AHHHHHHHHNdrea.  My point? I kind of forgot, but not really: to this day I always associate the name "Euclid" with rubbishy types.  What I'm trying to say is it's PERFECT for Felix and his mom.  MOVING ALONG.

Brandon fits right in with his Goodwill finest.

He finds Felix with his hat pulled comically low, sitting at a communal table in the courtyard, and proceeds to lay into him: "What's with you, man? I wait for you all day [IT WAS AN HOUR, YOUR CHRONIC ASS MUNCH] down at the beach club, you don't show, you don't call...It's no wonder so many guys don't stick it out with you.  Today was my day off, Felix.  I mean, if we're gonna make this work, you gotta at least show me the..." and then he finally spots Felix's moles, I mean...

...black eye.  And he asks Felix what happened and Felix says, "I tried to do a triple [salchow?] and I wiped out." So then Brandon calls upon his Mad Investigative Journalistic SkillZ and concludes that there's no way Felix could've gotten the injury from (I guess) short program ice skating...

...and then Felix begins to cry and pretty easily throws his mom under the bus with, "My mom hit me." And then the Piano Of Trashy, Child-Abusing Hags Being Found Out plays in the background and Felix defends his garbage mother with, "She didn't mean it.  I was really bad." As in, "I was really bad...at acting"? That, I can buy because this kid is just terrible.  And it only gets eye-goungingly worse in the last scene of the episode.  So anyway, the reason Felix got wailed on is because he told her he would call but forgot to, and then Brandon asks, "Is that the only one?"

And then Felix kind of leans forward.  And THEN...

Brandon lifts up Felix's shirt to find the bruising, and I know this moment was supposed to be all dramatical and whatnot, but the way it played out, especially with no words being exchanged, was very odd.

Also: Felix's mother apparently horse whips him.  Or lays a large-size curling rod across his back when he's bad.  And then it's The Usual Cliched Child Abuse Story Line and Brandon asks if the beatings have ever happened before and Felix lies and says no, and then attempts to make Brandon promise that he's not going to tell anyone.  Kids are so stupid.

And then they have A Moment and Brandon ookily says, "It's gonna be okay, Felix.  It's about all I can promise you.  It's gonna be okay." I wonder if Jason Priestley used this scene for his Emmy reel.

West Bev.

Brandon meets up with AHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's probably creaming in her jorts at the mere site of him.  Anyway, Brandon mentions Felix and AHHHHHHNdrea tells him that she got his message and then she starts prattling on about how she basically manipulated Brandon into dealing with headcase and soon-to-be-orphaned Felix, but Brandon thankfully manages to cut her off and tells her that Felix is great...other than all of his moles and his dramatic home life.  But actually he just absurdly asks her, "Have you ever noticed all the bruises Felix gets from skating? Or how he never takes his shirt off, even on the hottest day?" WHAT.  Seriously, Brandon needs to forgo the '65 Mustang and instead invest in the white windowless van with mysterious interior stains he's always dreamed about.  So then he finally blurts out, "Felix's mother beats him."

So then AHHHHHHHNdrea's about as helpful as she always is in these types of situations and asks if Brandon's sure and that it's a really serious accusation and that maybe it's a neighborhood bully or another kid, and Brandon assures her, "He wouldn't lie to me, not about this," which he's determined from hanging out with Felix a total of three times.  And AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "You know, if we report this, he could be yanked out of his house, put into foster care," which, again, I know nothing of, but I'd venture to say anything would be better than being beaten on the daily, no?

Anyway, both of these two are pretty good-for-nothing, but AHHHHHHNdrea offers up some social worker she knows (because all 16-year-old high school students know social workers) and she's actually helpful in stating, "I think we gotta talk to a professional person about this." Brandon says that first he has to talk to Jim and Cindy.  Is this almost over? I'm ready for Brenda's Takedown Of AHHHHHHHHNdrea's Cheek (as I know Adam P is!).

House Of Walsh and into the kitchen.  So remember how great Brenda's hair looked at the beginning of the episode? That's over now.  Obviously.  So Kelly's recounting to Brenda and Cindy the events of (I guess?) the previous evening and says that she had to apologize to David and Mel and that Mel was "very cool," and I guess Kelly has Stockholm Syndrome now as well.  And she says that her plan backfired and actually brought Jackie and Mel even closer together after knowing each other less than a week.  Cindy pulls out her bosh about "if it's meant to be it's meant to be," and that "true love is kinda like a locomotive, it tends to flatten everything that gets in its way."  And then there's this really cringe-worthy, non-funny moment where Kelly says, "Tell me about it.  I feel like Gumby," and Brenda looks at her like she's a fucking idiot (she is) and Kelly says, "Gumby, he's flat." OH MY GOD MOVE ON PLEASE.

So we're luckily saved  by the ringing of the phone and Brenda gets up to answer it AND...

...who should be calling but Our Dylan, whose nipples remain PRAISE underwater for this entire scene.  So Our Dylan says, "There's that voice I miss so much!" and Brenda's all excited (duh) and tells Kelly and Cindy who it is and then Dylan's all, "There's the most incredible storm happening right now." Might you call it...a summer storm? WAKA WAKA.

So then Dylan's all, "The sky's exploding in all these bizarre colors and I just wanted to share it with somebody," and Brenda's all happy because he chose to share it with her, but Dylan ruins the moment by being a Typical Guy and jokes, "Well, I tried to call my other girlfriend but her line was either busy or disconnected." RUDE.  So then he's all, "Bren? One more thing," and Brenda asks what and he's all, "I still..." and you think he's going to end it with "love you" but then of course the phone cuts out.  Because this is a very predictable television show from the early 1990s.

And as Brenda's hanging up Jim walks into the kitchen and asks who was on the phone and Brenda replies, "Dylan.  We got divinely disconnected," to which Stupid Jim stupidly says, "Thank god."

So then Brandon arrives home and THIS SERIOUSLY FUCKING HAPPENS: Jim asks, "Whatsamatter, kid, you look beat?" and BRANDON SEEEEEEEEERIOUSLY SAYS, "No, Dad, I'm not.   But I know someone who is," AND WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK HOLY FUCK.  Nice fucking play on words or whatever non-clever segue was painfully attempted (and failed, miserably) here.  GROSS.

Anyway, Brandon goes into telling them about Felix, starting with, "The little kid that you all thought was so cute? [I...don't recall anyone saying that.  Like, ever.] He's being beat up at home." And then the scene goes on for what feels like INFINITY and Brandon eventually asks if Felix can reside in the House Of Walsh while his mother's in prison on child abuse charges or whatever.  And Jim reasonably advises his son that that's not going to happen and Brandon starts to throw a fit and Brenda unhelpfully chimes in with, "You let Dylan stay here." UMMMMM, is that even close to the same situation????? Shut up, Brenda.  Cindy basically says as much with, "It's a completely different thing.  I mean, Felix is a child, he needs constant care.  Besides, I'm not sure it would do him any good to be here.  What he needs is a safe, permanent place." And then Kelly asks if Brandon's gone all Ricki Lake on Felix's mother yet, meaning has he confronted her, to which Brandon says, "No, I mean...what would I say to her, she'll never admit it to me.  Besides, Felix made me promise not to tell." And Cindy doesn't really want to deal with or think about some low-rent kid from The Valley anymore so she blows Brandon off with, "Well, you've just got to do what's best for Felix, honey," meaning, "Like so many before him, We Will Never See Felix Again, so, moving on."

BHBC. Kelly sits down next to David at the bar and he assures her that his ridiculous camera that he takes everywhere is off.  Except that he's probably lie-telling and it's currently recording Kelly at breast-level.  Anyway, this scene is the definition of I Am Over This Plot Point, so let me speed-sprint through it by telling you that Kelly apologizes for being a bitch the other night and David reveals that even though she's "Kelly Taylor" he's not thrilled about Jackie and Mel dating, since his parents divorce isn't even final yet, and also, Sheila Silver is batshit crazy.  Except for maybe not that last part, seeing as we don't learn of Sheila's aforementioned batshittiness until Season 5, and then have to deal with David's inherited-from-Sheila batshittiness in Season 7.  I CAN'T WAIT.

So they eventually call a truce and shake hands and David, with a just an APPALLING Bogart impression (which will also be played to death the following summer when Dylan and Kelly are being fucking assholes all over the beach club together) tells her, "Shhhhhweeatheart, thish could be the start of a beautiful friendship." GO DIE DAVID.  Maybe Scott will turn it into a murder-suicide.

Back to Felix's Slumtown Apartments (which actually look pretty nice in this shot).  Brandon and his moose knuckle strut on up to Felix's apartment.

Brandon takes a deep breath and knocks, and Suzanne, who probably doesn't work and mooches off welfare, answers the door looking like she just woke up from a midday hangover-nap.

So she invites Brandon to sit on her shitty couch that reeks of stale cigarette smoke and dirty, unwashed hair and asks him, "What's up?"

So rather than just spitting it the fuck out Brandon has to play all coy with, "Suzanne, I know...I've seen the bruises," and then finally, "I know you beat Felix."

So Suzanne and her weathered bar-fly face are shocked I tell you! SHOCKED at such an accusation: "What are you talking about? I can't even believe what I'm hearing!"

And then she gets all Jenny Jones Level Trashy all, "Why don't you get the hell outta my house! How can you even suggest that I could hurt my own child?" and Brandon unfortunately doesn't answer her with, "Because I see how you look and you smoke in your ramshackle apartment and it sounds like you've swallowed a lot of semen and gravel in your day."  What he does say is, "Well it seems pretty unbelievable to me, too.  My parents never laid a hand on me when I was a child [perhaps they should have] but Felix has bruises all over his back!"

So they go back and forth for some time about what a piece of filth Suzanne is and how she had a little too much to drink one night and times were tough and she decided to use her child as a punching bag, which seems pretty fair-minded if you ask me.  And she basically says that she can't afford counseling, seeing as she's white trash and all.  And then Brandon makes this expression and I wish instead of taking out all of her Trash-Rage on Felix, Suzanne would instead direct her fury towards Brandon's face.

And then Suzanne pretends to be all remorseful and ashamed and starts fake-crying and thinks that maybe there is someone she can talk to instead of having to go to jail.  And she tells Brandon, "You don't understand, I am not that kind of mother, I am not," even though she very clearly is.

Some Gregory Children's Residence, which is apparently located in the jungles of fucking Bolivia because LOOK AT ALL THE FOLIAGE.

Brandon comes out of some wooded area? like the looming creep that he is and sees Felix playing on this rat's ass, rusted out swing set that's about 3 years too small for the kids currently on it.  And the grass of this Gregory Children's Residence is all threadbare and dead, just as most of the kids' souls inside probably are.

So Felix is mad, y'all, all, "You promised.  You promised you wouldn't tell...I miss my mom, I've been in here over a week, when am I gonna get to go home?" and this horrible actor decides to punctuate all of this non-emotion with these really distracting and halting hand movements and it's not good and I am so, so over Felix And His Plight.

And then Brandon GRABS Felix...

...and makes all of these aggressive gestures, like, maybe you don't want to do that to a kid who's been beaten, Einstein.  I'm surprised Felix isn't cowering under the rickety swing set by now.  Anyway, Brandon explains that Suzanne's getting help and Felix won't have to be afraid anymore once he does go home.  So then Felix is all, "I thought you dumped me.  That you forgot all about me." Not until after this episode, Fel.  So Brandon says that he just thought Felix needed some space and some room to cool off, and Felix says something no one should EVER say to Brandon: "I guess you're right."

And then Brandon lies and invites Felix to go with him to a Kings game the following week, and then they head inside the really shabby-looking orphanage (or whatever the hell it is), with the really shabby-looking truck-with-a-crappy-makeshift-camper-shell (that I guess they use to haul all the orphans around in) out front, for lunch, which probably consists of expired bologna sandwiches and off-brand cheese doodles from the bargain bin of the local Food 4 Less, washed down with a dusty can of Mountain Lightning.  In conclusion: goodbye, Felix.  Your facial moles made you slightly more interesting than your predecessor Curtis, but by the same token, made you all the more revolting.

Check me back here next time for YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS "Brenda's Smackdown Of AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's Irksome AHHHHHHHHHNdrea Cheek (And Some Other Stuff Happens, Too, I Guess, Including Brandon Snagging My Dream Car, Because I Don't Fucking Hate The Guy Enough As It Is, So Let's Add One More Thing To The Mix To Make My Insides Burn With FLAMING RAGE Every Time He Appears Onscreen)," in which the only thing that matters is Brenda slapping the Annoying Bitch off AHHHHHHNdrea's face.  Except that it doesn't take, seeing as we all know AHHHHHHHHHNdrea continues to be an Annoying Bitch.  We'll see how long it takes me to get the next one up, seeing as I'll be spending the first weekend of June at a music festival...aboard The Queen Mary! Which is exciting, see, since that's location where Steve's 21st 42nd birthday is held in the Season 6 finale! Okay, it's not that exciting.  But I've been to this festival a few times (always held on The QM) and speaking of Annoying Bitches, I'm constantly pointing out (to my friends the people who feel sorry for me and have to endure an association with a person who has a creepy preoccupation with fucking Beverly Hills, 90210) the filming locations...of an episode of a television show that aired nearly 20 years ago.  WHATEVER.  I, for one, can't wait to pull out my Donna Martin Daytime Finest for the occasion:

Better start tweezing my eyebrows down to near-non-existence; pick up a box of L'Oreal Feria in Brassy Chola (then add some Tropical Breeze Sun-In, just for the heck of it); slather my body with the Nuclear Mashed Carrot shade of Bain de Soleil Exact Couleur Sunless Tanning Crème; line my lips with burgundy-brown pencil and then fill them in with pink-tinged glossy semen; and finally top it all of with some j.a˙n.e  eYE Zing eYeShaDow in color: White Lies, applied on my lids and all the way up to my crunchy hairline.  I mean, if I even come close to the picture above I will be oozing elegance and haute style at this thing.  Step aside, Basic Bitches.  The Epitome Of  Class & Sophistication is coming for you!

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google, bh90210.fanfusion.org