Season 2 (FUCKING FINALLY); Episode 1 - Beach Blanket Brandon: This Is The Most Asinine Title For An Episode Ever And I Hate Myself With The Fire Of A Thousand Suns For Having Typed It Out. Also: Having Brandon’s Name In The Title Does Not Bode Well. FOR THE WORLD.

In which...NEW OPENING SEQUENCE.  Which I never addressed from the first season because BOOOOOOOooooring and it was just clips from some of the season's super-compelling episodes.  And by "super compelling episodes," I of course mean "suicide inducing, 3/4-hours that I will never get back." This new one also includes scenes from Season 1, but it's mostly a lot of the kids plus AHHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve beaching around, wearing sunglasses and looking "sexy" (in quotes for everyone minus Brenda and Dylan) and mischievous.  Also: I might not be lying when I tell you that this version of the theme song? Is my ringtone.  Let's do this.

So we start off with some distorted images of the gang.  Which is only exaggerating Luke Perry's receding hairline.

I MEAN LOOK AT THESE CRAYYYYYYYYY-ZEE EFFECTS.

Unfortunately for the human race, "the gang" now includes David.  Here we see him doing the 1991 version of a photo/video-bomb at this classic moment in the opening when the synthesizer/electric drum comes in with the little clap-clap sound just as Brandon pretend-punches Dylan's chin.  I wish Dylan had, in turn, non-pretend kicked Brandon to death.  In case you couldn't have guessed it, I hate Smarm Douche Brandon Face.  Also: This shot is raping our eyes with all of its blue-on-blue-on-blue tones.

And then everyone gets together and I'm going to EAT Brenda's dress.  Donna's foul matching, velour-looking crop-top and genital revealing leggings? NOT AT ALL.  Kelly's dress is the same as what she wears later in the episode, so we'll get to it.  Also: Who let the two people CLEARLY in their mid-40s into this photoshoo...oh. Wait. Sorry, Steve and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

BOOM.

Shot of the guys right before Brandon pushes his surfboard over.  WHY DO YOU THINK I USED THIS STILL? And then Steve and his 41-year-old bare chest with like, liver spots in it, homo-erotically grab all the other dudes.

Yes, we're "In Stereo" here. We're also in love with Brenda's PERFECTION of an outfit.  Kelly's, whatever.

YAAAAAS.

FUCK NO.

We'll get to my utter detestation of men in tank tops later, but I'll allow this because Dylan, Dylan's Wayfarers and Dylan's sideburns.

We'll get to my utter detestation of Brandon later (AS ALWAYS), but I won't allow this because Brandon, Brandon's errant strands of hair and Brandon's OCTOGONAL shaped shades.  Also: this is from "Wild Fire," a few episodes down the line.  Brandon's having a dream about three chicks coming onto him.  Which sounds like The Laugh-Out-Loud Comedy Of The Year if you ask me.

And now we start in on the famed individual shots of the cast.  Which will be how the show will introduce them FOR THE REMAINDER OF TIME.  John Aboud and Michael Colton do an AH.MAY.ZINGly hilarious spoof of the credits which is a part of their "Everything You Need To Know About Beverly Hills, 90210" bits that they contributed to the Season 2 and 3 dvd sets.  I've included it below, and honestly, you'll most certainly just want to watch it over and over and over rather than continuing on with this muck. Anyway.

Seriously, don't read anymore.  It's embarrassing after watching this.

ANYhow, we move onto another classic shot.  Oh, AHHHHHHNdrea.  You and your sensible beach attire.  Also, Steve? GET OUT OF THE SUN.

Next up: Shannen Doherty's puckery little...whatever.  Her hair doesn't look all that great here.

Jennie Garth looks very pretty, even with her Totally Early-'90s Bangs.

Up next: This shot of Steve, Steve's Little Shorts, Dylan, Dylan's Peewee Waist, David and David's Hopefully Crushed Skull after Dylan comes down on it with his knee.

I...cannot.

I TOLD YOU, I CAN'T.

Nice styling on Gabrielle Cateris, Styling Team. Ya jerks.

Next: A shot of Luke Perry's stunt double from the "Green Room" episode.

Then Luke Perry, seducing us with...this.  And yes, it took me an hour to make this gif.  And yes, I hate myself a little more every day.

GAG.  SIZE DOWN, DAVID.  SIZE.  DOWN.

OH GOD and then he "dances." Go ahead - I'll wait while you go make yourself a hydrogen peroxide-and-ricin smoothie.

Was anyone here a David Gal-or-Guy? Just curious.  Because, DEEP SWALLOW, Steve might be a more appealing choice than David.  STEVE.  Because per this still right here, I'm guessing NO ONE EVER was a David Gal-or-Guy.  Because LOOK.

Donna, serving up some Come-Hither Freshness.

And then this very strange moment where Dylan sniffs Donna's hair, David is a WASTE OF LIFE and Steve's coming at them with his 41-year-old obliques.

More Sex Mouth, although it mostly just looks like she's got a stuffy nose.

Mom Hair from Carol Potter.

And finally we have a Knowing Look and a Fatherly Chuckle from James Eckhouse.

Mugging.

Cute-ish hand-shake thing from Donna and Brenda, with Dylan looking on all handsome.  And then there's Steve, David and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who all should've exited stage whatever when Brandon and Kelly did.

Less cute-ish hand-shake thing between these two, but only because Steve.

And then this happens and I really hope Dylan's actually giving Steve the bird, as someone should do to Steve every damn time he opens his mouth or breathes.

Including this exterior shot of the credits because HERE WE GO.  The tragic wheels have been set into motion.  Scott Scanlon, we hardly knew ye.  Especially in the last ninety-seven episodes or so, since you've been relegated to 57th-tier character.

So we start off with some MEGA-tacky-ass cakes, like, I guess it's supposed to look like a copy of The Blaze but it mostly just looks like bottom-barrel, two-bit, day-old dumpster droppings.  And then AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's grating voice comes in with, "So in closing, I would like to thank every one of you for your long hours and unswerving dedication to projects that I..."

And then Brandon's basically like, "Shut the eff up - it's the last day of school and no one wants to hear the cloying drivel escaping from your mouth-hole," and then AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, wearing her snazzy new vest from Chicos and a shirt she fashioned out of a lace table runner from the clearance bin of the JCPenney Home Store, relents and tells all The Blaze Staff Nobodys, "Uh, well, uh, have a nice summer everybody," and then The Nobodys all cheer and leave the room and then talk about how much they hate AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and how horrible it is to have her as an editor and how terribly she dresses and what a fucking DRAG she is, always and forever.

We then cut over to another classroom where Donna, Brenda and Kelly are talking about the summer, and Kelly's all, "It's so pointless to have a last day of school when nobody cares," and WHAT, they have to have a last day of school, you nincompoop.  Like at some point, there's going to be a LAST day of school WHAT THE HELL.  And Brenda tells her, "Kelly, relax.  In five minutes it will all be over and you can start working on your tan," but she fails to mention that Kelly can't get a tan, seeing as she's translucent.

And then Kelly, who looks really good in red and with her pretty, pretty hair, says, "I can't wait.  I am ready to have the summer of my life.  How 'bout you guys?" and she'll probably actually be having "the summer of my life" next summer, when she's thieving her best friend's boyfriend and WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING GET OVER IT, you ask? Because people's obsessive compulsive disorders manifest themselves in all sorts of different ways, okay?

So Donna, wearing a nice hue of yellow, says, "Well, I'll settle for interesting," and Brenda, all distracted and whatnot from the possible human being growing inside of her, responds, "When has summer not been incredible?" and then because Jennie Garth is very obviously getting over a cold or a bout of laryngitis this episode, the writers decided to very, very shoddily insert a voice-over from Donna here, saying, "Kelly, you should work on getting your voice back."

And then the bells rings, signifying the end of the school day, and people with ATROCIOUS clothing come pouring out into the hall, including these two gremlins, with Scott dressed like every boy I ever saw walking down the street in 1991, and David actually managing to cut down on the garishness for a micro-second.  I mean, his outfit is still appalling, but at least it's not giving me third-degree retinal burns.  So David, delusional beyond reason and whose voice is a pestilence upon the ears, is all, "I can't believe it, we're finally free.  An entire summer of nothing but beaches and babes," because I'm certain that he thinks he's going to cash in his V-card on Kelly or some shit, and then Poor (Just About) Dead Scottie says, "For you maybe.  I'll be spending the summer at my grandparents' in Oklahoma," but he forgets to add, "where I'll get all weirdly obsessed with guns and twenty-seven-gallon cowboy hats and then I'll come back next fall all rubed-out and like, wearing painted-on Wranglers and preoccupied with line-dancing and shit, and you'll totally ditch me to glom onto the ballsacks of the likes of one Steve 'Business In The Front, A Party NO ONE Wants To Go To In The Back' SAUNders, and then I'll die ON MY BIRTHDAY from an 'accidental' self-inflicted gunshot wound to the abdomen, which you will witness in slo-mo, and then you'll mourn me for all of about a half-hour and proceed on your horribly-coiffed, gaudily-attired way." WHATEVER.  And David tells Scott that he'll have fun, and Scott's all, "Name one thing fun about Oklahoma?" and David says, "GUNS GALORE," only not really.

Back over to these three, and even though I can see Donna's untrimmed pubes, she does look nice in that shade.  And Brenda's jeans are, per usual, causing my colon to enlarge, but her oversized blazer is cute.  So Egomaniac Kelly is regaling them with her summer plans, all, "So generally I spend my mornings in the sun and my afternoons playing volleyball.  Which is totally cool because you get a great tan and a great workout all at the same time.  Plus it's co-ed and you can meet the most gorgeous guys," who are most likely homosexual, so shut your trap, you scabie.  And then she asks them, "Now doesn't that sound better than hanging in some acting class?" And Donna says, "Yeah, well, I have to get my credit," and Brenda reminds her, "And I love acting." And Kelly is OF COURSE all self-serving and whines, "Yeah, but you guys are totally deserting me.  Besides, what cute guy is gonna take an acting class?" like, FUCKING CHRIST. I realize Kelly needs perpetual attention and penis from men, but go by yourself a goddamn vibrator and CALL IT A LIFE, YOU GARBAGE WHORE.

And thank EVERYTHING Brenda's there to agree with me and tell Kelly, "Can't you ever stop thinking about guys for one second? I mean, there is more to life," like, REALLY.  Read a book or something, skeeve.  So then Kelly bitchily responds with, "Sounds like it's that time of the month," and HERE WE GO Brenda says, "Well it is...and it isn't if you know what I mean." And Kelly asks what she means and Brenda tells her, "I'm five days late," and Donna's completely unhelpful and just says, "Oh my god," and Kelly asks, "Brenda, are you sure?" and Brenda says, "Kelly, look at me! I haven't slept in two days, I keep on check and waiting.  I don't even know what to do," and well, seeing as you're SIXTEEN and probably just got your period a few years ago and probably won't be entirely regular for ANOTHER few years, I'd say a) calm the fuck down, and b) YOU'RE NOT FUCKING PREGNANT.  But no one asked me so whatever.

CRIMINY.  Do I have to??? Didn't these two get killed-off in the Season 1 Finale after the Santa Monica Pier collapsed into the Pacific Ocean? No? That was just a splendid dream? FUCK.  So AHHHHHHHHNdrea asks, "Are you finding it hard to leave this old place?" and Brandon explains, "Just hanging around to help you clean up a little...and I wanted to clear things up between us...before the summer starts," and PLEEEEEEEEEASE DON'T.  PLEASE? We don't need another reminder of this:

THERE GO MY INNARDS.

So AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, ONCE AGAIN pretending to Play It Cool And Failing DEPLORABLY, tells him, "Look, it's no big deal, Brandon," and Brandon asks, "It's no big deal that we almost became a couple?" and THE HELL? I didn't realize AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea gifting Brandon her vadge on top of The Peach Pit juke box as a going-away present meant that they had "almost became a couple." I just thought that it meant that Worthless Nat was going to have to bring dudes in Hazmat suits to The Pit, E.T.-StyleZ, and then eventually come to realize that he needs to BURN THE BITCH TO THE GROUND and then pour ALL of the salt on it.  So again, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea thinks she's fooling everyone and tells him, "Look, Brandon, it was a moment that almost happened but didn't," even though you know that she's now dead on the inside, given the fact that her probably-bespectacled vagina didn't get to ride Brandon's Little Minnesota.  So he asks her where that leaves them, and she tells him, "As friends, I hope.  I mean, who else can you make a total fool of yourself in front of, right?" and he says, "You didn't," although I would personally consider propositioning someone while on a MERRY-GO-ROUND an embarrassment, but whatever.  And then she's all, "Have a great summer, huh? and he says, "You better have fun this summer or I'm gonna hear about it," and IF THEY'RE SUCH GREAT FUCKING FRIENDS, WOULDN'T THEY BE HANGING OUT OVER THE SUMMER? AT SOME POINT? I've said it before and I'll say it again: the writers on this show really had NO CLUE as to how actual human relationships worked.  Oh, and then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea tells him, "I'm gonna party with the best of 'em, Bran," and that is just so, so untrue that it literally made me vomit in my lap.

Cut to a drugstore, and Brenda (so pretty!), Kelly and Donna are looking at the pregnancy tests and Kelly asks, "Didn't you guys use protection?" and Brenda tells her to keep her voice down and says, "Of course, I'm not stupid.  It's just that not everything's 100% effective," and here comes a glimpse of the Donna's A Virgin And You Will Never Fucking Hear The End Of It And THOUSANDS Of Story Lines Will Revolve Around It, Like, Get A New Angle, SHOW Era, because Donna says, "Well, except for, you know...abstinence," and Brenda snarkily tells her, "Oh, well, thank you, Donna, but I think it's a little too late for that now." So Kelly pulls a test off of the shelf and hands it to Brenda and says, "This is the only thing that's gonna give you 100% peace of mind," and Brenda's all, "I can't believe I'm taking a home pregnancy test," and Kelly tells her to think of it as her "own personal little chemistry experiment." THIS IS BORING. Can we just skip all of this and get to the break up and then disregard the remainder of these Summer Episodes and get to the "Wild Fire" episode where Brenda lays down the Cunt Hammer on Emily Valentine and then she and Dylan get back together in typically dramatic and sexy fashion? Yes?

No.  So over to House Of Walsh we go. Brenda's in the john taking the test, and Donna and Kelly are waiting in Brenda's room.  I guess we can assume that no other members of Family Walsh are home.  So Brenda asks, "What color is it supposed to be again?" and Kelly tells her, "Blue for positive, red for negative."

Brenda comes out of the bathroom and announces, "It's green." So Kelly says that's impossible and Donna gets in an actually sort-of-funny line with, "Well, maybe that means twins or something."  But Brenda is in no mood and says, "Donna, that's not funny." So both Kelly and Donna go in to look at the test themselves, which, GROSS, Brenda's fucking urine is on it, and Kelly tells her, "It's kind of a pinkish green," whatever that means, and Brenda asks Donna's opinion and Donna reluctantly says, "Honestly? St. Patrick's Day."

Brenda heads over to the bed and says, "I can't believe this.  I wait to have sex with a guy that I love, I act responsibly, I take every precaution, and I'm green," and Kelly is The Voice Of Reason and tells her, "Bren, maybe you should see a gynecologist." So then Brenda flops back on her mattress - dramatically, natch - and says, "I gotta tell you guys, I love Dylan and I thought I knew what I was doing.  But I'm beginning to get the feeling that it wasn't worth it." Also: I've perfected The Brenda Flop over the years and do it quite frequently.  But mostly over stuff like decided what to have for dinner and contemplating if one of my cats' turds looked a little loose that evening.

BLECH.  Over to The Peach Pit, the Almost-Scene of Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's Crime Against Humanity.  And Brandon scrapes some change off of the counter and turns toward Worthless Nat all Sad Sacky and Put Upon and asks, "Is it my imagination or are the tips getting smaller?" and I tell him, "No, that's your dick."

And then Nat says, "No, the customer's are getting fewer.  It's the summer, Brandon.  They're all at the beach, nobody's eating in town," and I love how Nat is referring to Beverly Hills as "in town," like, THE FUCK??? ALL of Los Angeles, including the beach cities, is just one monumental, sprawling mass of EVERYTHING.  I mean, I guess if you head up to Malibu, it might seem like you're leaving "town." But still: not really.  And as you'll see, the Beverly Hills Beach Club isn't in Malibu.  Except when it doubles as the Malibu Sands Beach Club on Saved By The Bell.  WHATEVER.  SHUT THE FUCK UP, WORTHLESS NAT.  GO WORTHLESSLY TAKE SOME GARBAGE OUT OF THE SOON-TO-BE PPAD ENTRANCE.

Sick. Making.  Steve and his fleshy-colored hair like, dance into The Peach Pit and he kind of grunts a bunch and says, "Let the summer begin!" and then these two cretins do some ridiculous hand-jive thing with each other, and I don't quite hit the radial artery in my wrist with the letter opener as I had intended and now there's just a lot of blood and nerve damage.

So the scene goes on for about forty-one hours, which is coincidentally the number of years Steve's been alive, but the gist of it is that Brandon for some UNKNOWN REASON thought he was going to be raking in the dough as a waiter in some greasy-spoon diner, and some car dude's going to SET ASIDE a '65 Mustang Convertible for him until the end of the summer, like, AS IF, but it doesn't look like he can save up enough money for the car working in a dump like The Pit, so Steve tells him that the Beverly Hills Beach Club is hiring lifeguards and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! he gives Brandon the name of the beach club manager, a Henry Thomas, or rather, "Mr. Thomas to you," SHUT UP STEVE, WITH YOUR ALMOST SUPER-MULLET.  Oh, and also at some point during this exchange, Brandon actually manages to express guilt over leaving Nat in the lurch and Steve tells him, "C'mon, Brandon.  It's time to start thinking about yourself for once," like, WHAT WORLD IS THIS??? The only person Brandon EVER thinks of is himself.

Back over to House Of Walsh and Brenda's helping Cindy with the dishes and Cindy, in probably GIANT jean shorts and a shirt that's not all that bad (for her), is all waxing nostalgic with, "That's what's so great about school.  I mean, the summer actually means something, it's the most wonderful season in the whole world," like, it's not like she works or anything, so her whole life is goddamn summer, so whatever.  And Brenda asks, "Does everything start to lose its meaning when you get older?" and I can answer that by saying yes, yes it does.  But Cindy tells her, "Well now, that's not what I meant.  It's just wonderful to be young and free," and Brenda says, "Well, I guess I'm gonna have to wait until I'm old to appreciate it," and THIS IS REALLY FUCKING TEDIOUS MY GOD.  So then Brenda non-subtley asks how old Cindy was when she, Cindy, went to the gynecologist for the first time, and Cindy says she was in college and then gets all suspicious and thinks Brenda has The Clap or some shit and NO ONE CARES.

So then Dickbag Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh comes into the kitchen and asks them what's wrong and Cindy and Brenda say in unison, "Nothing," and Jim's all, "Sorry I asked," when really, he should be apologizing for his very existence.  And then he tells Brenda that Dylan's arrived and reminds her, "Just because it's summer doesn't mean that curfew's changes," and then to Cindy, "I wish I was on vacation." and Cindy's all, "Ohhh, c'mere," and then this happens:

And I believe I've torn a hole in my stomach lining from all of the violent regurgitating I've done following all of the Gross Character Kissing Scenes I've had to deal with lately.

So then we cut to the Stoop Of Walsh, and Brenda's blazer looks way-great buttoned up, all fitted now.  And these two are JUST FINE with discussing her maybe-pregnancy RIGHT OUTSIDE HER FUCKING FRONT DOOR, because NO ONE could possibly hear them from inside, because House Of Walsh is a fortress and its walls are made out of noise-cancelling headphones.  So anyway, Dylan is looking mighty fine here, although his waist is probably the same size as one of my thighs.  And he's also rocking a C-curvature spine, but you know what? HE CAN BECAUSE HE'S DYLAN MOTHER-FUCKING MCKAY.  The next season-and-a-half is truly The Epoch Of Hot Dylan.  And then it's a slow-slide down the wall into THIS chasm of EVIL...

...which starts right around the time he and Kelly start officially dating.  Coincidence? I think not.

ANYGETAMOVEON, Dylan's all, "Damn, Bren, I don't believe it, I mean...how?" and she says, "Dylan, I thought you said that we did everything right," and he assures her that they did but she's all, "I knew it was a mistake," but Our Dylan reminds her that, "It was wonderful. Bren, it was great." And then she asks, "What if I'm pregnant?" and AGAIN Our Dylan is all sweet and lovely and tells her, "Then I'll do everything I can to help you and support you. Bren, it's my problem, too," and then they hug and she looks all WHAT ELSE dramatically off into the middle-distance over his shoulder and tearily says, "Well, it doesn't feel that way."

And AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA X EVERYTHING IN CREATION. Brandon and his teeny torso are at the Beverly Hills Beach Club (Malibu Sands if you're nasty...but seriously, I'm going to abbreviate it to "BHBC" because my fingers will curl up into a fetal position and weep softly if they have to type out "Beverly Hills Beach Club" every goddamn three scenes. ANYWAY.), the next whatever, trying out for a lifeguard post.

And here we have Henry Thomas, manager, BHBC, and this actor's been in a lot of things, none of which I care to look up on IMDB.  So here, he's playing the role of Brandon's Black And Sassy No-Nonsense Boss Who Quirkily Enjoys Soap Operas And Who Will  Be Somewhat Softened By Brandon's Non-Charm And Non-Integrity.  Little does he know that deep down, Brandon Hates Black People (James, anyone?). ANYhow, Henry gets down to business with, "We are looking for three lifeguards.  This is a full-time position, five-and-six days a week, excellent pay and wonderful benefits and very hard work.  Now, I assume you've all been trained and experienced in beach rescue?"

And then Brandon and his bangs that he rounded out with a large-barrel curling iron earlier that morning are all, "Uh, lake rescue...lake and pool, sir." And Henry's basically like, "Whatevs.  It's what you do out there that I care about.  Now everybody! Show me what you got.  Let's start with a series of ten sprints, out to those two orange cones out there and back.  Ready!"...

...and then he blows his whistle and all of these goons in their Totally '90s Swim Trunks race out to the cones and no one, including the sand fleas that currently inhabit the beach that they're running on, cares.

Over to the Womens Medical Arts building.  I didn't realize investigating vaginas was considered an art form.

Inside, Dylan's in the waiting area, reading Child magazine.  Oh, and he's also wearing Screech Pants, so let's just gouge out our eyes and move on, okay?"

Kelly and Brenda, meanwhile, are at the receptionist's desk, and Brenda's filling out paperwork, all, "I really feel weird about being here without my mother," and Kelly tells her that she could've told Cindy, and that her mother would've understood, and I guess so, considering the fact that Jackie had no qualms about dressing like a low-end prostitute and DOING LINES OF COCAINE IN FRONT OF HER DAUGHTER.  So Brenda informs her, "I didn't even want to ask her the name of her own gynecologist," and Kelly says, "Trust me, Dr. Strathmore is the best...my mom and I have been seeing him for years," because I forgot - Kelly's apparently been sexually active since the age of 11.  And Brenda's like me and is all, "I really wish he wasn't a him," and Kelly says, "Most gynecologists are," I DON'T UNDERSTAND because, just like in the "It's Only A Test" episode, women doctors are practically UNHEARD OF, since it's apparently 1937 THE FUCK MY CHRIST.

So then it's back to the exam room (which, wouldn't she need some kind of parental consent? Since she's just 16? And I don't think this is like, Planned Parenthood or anything? I guess we can add this to our running list of You Can Do Whatever The Fuck You Want In Beverly Hills When You're Underage) and the girls walk in and Brenda sees this fiendish torture device and says, "Oh my god." And Gynecological Virtuoso Kelly is all, "You've never seen a pair of stirrups before?" and Brenda says, "Not unless they're on a horse," WAKA WAKA and Kelly tells her that it's the way that they examine you, like, THANKS FOR THAT, YOU PELVIC PRODIGY, and Brenda sarcastically adds, "How wonderful." And then a nurse comes in and asks for a urine sample, and Kelly says that she'll "just be outside with Dylan," by which she means she'll "be laying the foundation for our Ultimate Betrayal of you next summer."

Back to the beach...

...and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA some more.

So then Henry tells Brandon and all of these 37-year-olds to swim out to some buoy for a half-mile swim.  WHO CARES, you ask? Absolutely NO ONE.

Back to Brenda.  This Dr. Strathmore dude walks in and he really looks like some oily used car salesman, like, I'd really like this guy looking at my privates.  So Brenda tells the sleaze, "Dr. Strathmore, you may not believe this," and Dr. S. asks, "What's that?" and instead of just spitting out, "I got my period so I'm not pregnant and it was kind of ridiculous of me to even jump to that conclusion in the first place," she tells him, "I think I'm okay now," and he asks, "Since when?" and she tells him that it's since she got there, and apologizes for wasting his time.  I wish she'd apologize to me as well.  So Dr. S. tells her, "You haven't wasted my time at all.  You know it's perfectly normal to be late occasionally," and Brenda's all, "I know, I've just never been late before [REALLY? I mean, I guess.  But most girls I knew weren't really all that regular until they were out of high school.  Me included.  In conclusion: WHY AM I SHARING THIS?] but what a relief." So then this scene NEVER FUCKING ENDS and Dr. S. is all, "For the moment.  You know, Brenda, when a woman becomes sexually active she's gotta start dealing with a whole new set of responsibilities," and she tells him, "Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that," and then he asks, "You ever been examined by a gynecologist before?" which is probably the vile pickup line he uses to hit on women at seedy bars, and then he offers to set up another appointment for Brenda to have an actual exam.  And honestly? A pelvic exam with an unsterilized speculum sounds like HEAVEN compared to dealing with this ENTIRE EPISODE.

So then Brenda comes out into the waiting room where Kelly was no doubt giving Dylan a Sneak Preview Handy, and he and his pants, which should be set ablaze while he's wearing them, just to teach him a lesson, and Kelly stand up to greet her and he's all anxious with, "Bren, what happened? Everything okay?"

And once again, instead of just SPITTING IT THE FUCK OUT Brenda has to be all aloof and vague and say, "Yeah, everything's fine...can we just go now?" So then Dylan asks her, "It was a total false alarm, right?" And FINALLY Brenda's all, "Yes, totally," and then CHARMING Dylan does this:

Like, this little arm pump motion you'd do if your team had just made a field goal or something, and then he's all, "Woooooo, yes," but in this completely odd, monotone voice and I...don't know.

And then he sort of pulls Brenda aside and asks, "While you're here do you think maybe it'd be a good idea if you would see about the doctor putting you on The Pill?" which in all honesty I don't think is such a horrible idea, given the fact that they're now sexually active, but perhaps this isn't the best time to bring it up.  So Brenda's all Disgusted Attitude and asks, "You think it's that easy, don't you, Dylan? I just pop a pill and then you don't have to worry about anything?" and Dylan's like, "No, I was thinking about you," and Brenda coldly tells him, "No, you weren't.  You were thinking about yourself." OOOOO, BURN.  But not really.

So Brenda flounces out of the office and Dylan turns to Kelly and asks, "I don't get it. What did I do?" and Kelly says, "I don't know. But just so you know, I'm on The Pill and I do backdoor," but really what she said is, "You're just being a total guy."

And then Kelly hurries out to catch up with Brenda and Dylan stands there all C-Curved and Clueless Sad Clown.

BHBC.  This Rando 43-year-old with Jim Walsh Hairline says, "Oh, there he is! I see him! Should I go out there and bring him in?" meaning Wee Brandon, who apparently got trounced by all of these hobgoblins in the half-mile swim.  So Henry's all, "Naw.  He'll be all right.  I wanna thank you for coming.  It's going to be a tough decision but I have your numbers and I'll be notifying everyone by the end of the day.  Thanks a lot.  Take care."

And then everyone leaves and Good For ABSOLUTELY NOTHING Brandon finally emerges from the drink, all gross and heavy-breathing and just an utter loser.

And then he trudges up to Henry all open-mouthed and you guys? Out Of Breath Brandon is truly heinous.  And then Henry asks him, "Walsh, you okay?" and Brandon says, "Yeah.  Fine.  Guess I'm just more of a pool guard type, huh?" and then HOW PATHETIC, "It's a good thing I got another job to fall back on," like, DON'T TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL SORRY FOR YOU SO THAT HE GIVES YOU THE JOB OR ANYTHING.  And Henry pretends to care and asks him where else he works and Brandon tells him, "I work at The Peach Pit. It's this burger joint in town [NO.].  Been working there all year but I just thought it might be nice to come out here and make a little more money and get a tan while I was at it.  But I guess not, huh? [STOP WITH THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, BEAT-AROUND-THE-BUSH, WOE-IS-ME LAMENESS, YOU WALKING HUMILIATION.] Listen Mr. Thomas, thanks for the opportunity.  Best workout I've had all year."

But then OF COURSE Henry Sees Something in Brandon, even though he, Brandon, Hates Black People, and all I see in Brandon is a cocky little self-righteous prick, but WHATEVER NO ONE ASKED ME and Henry tells him, "Hey, Walsh.  I got a position open for a cabana boy.  With tips you can make as much as a beach guard," and Brandon's all, "Really? What would I have to do?" and Henry says that he'd set up lounge chairs, carry drinks and "keep the peace," because apparently the BHBC is chock full of rival bike gangs and territorial drug dealers.  So Brandon tells him that, "I think I could probably handle that," even though some of those fruity cocktails with pineapple garnishes might be pretty heavy for his wittle arms.  So Henry offers him the job for a second time and Brandon says, "Well, that's outstanding," adding to our other running list of This Is Not How Human Beings, Especially Teenagers, Talk.  And then he asks when he would have to start and Henry tells him, "Tomorrow.  7 am sharp," and Brandon's all giving Nat about three seconds of consideration with, "Tomorrow? I should really give Nat, the guy I work for, two weeks' notice, don't you think?" So then Henry rambles on for some time about having to interview a bunch of model/actor/screenwriter/douche-types the following day for the cabana boy position, and that he'd really rather not and, "If you want the job, it's yours.  Effective immediately.  Otherwise, I meet the competition."

So Brandon, with his disgusting moistened bangs, tells Henry, "Well, you know, things have been kind of slow lately.  I guess Nat would understand.  He should understand," and Henry is HILARIOUS and has no more fucks to give and says, "Yeah, that's between you and Nat." So Brandon agrees to throw Worthless Nat completely under the bus and is all, "Listen, Mr. Thomas, thanks for the opportunity.  I'll see you tomorrow." Isn't think just the most FASCINATING story line we've ever seen on this show? No, you say? It's watered down dog feces that another dog has eaten and then barfed up? I agree completely.

Later, Brandon arrives homes to House Of Walsh and he greets Cindy with, "Hey there, recycling parent," because that's realistic dialogue.  And instead of asking his mother anything about her day, he starts in with his non-news, all, "You're not gonna believe this, Mom, but I just scored the most righteous job of the summer.  I'm gonna be a cabana boy at the Beverly Hills Beach Club.  Everybody who's anybody belongs there [OH SPARE ME.  Who's he referring to? Kelly? Steve? Yeah, sounds like the upper-echelon of the upper echelon, if by "upper echelon" you mean "trashy nouveau riche pig-dogs."] and all I gotta do it make sure they're having a good time," which I *think* means he's going to be prostituting himself to all the members.  So Cindy asks when he starts, and her shitty son who she very obviously didn't raise properly responds, "Tomorrow." And instead of, oh, I don't know, PARENTING and telling the little dingle that no, he can't just up and quit his current job and leave his boss in the dust, she just asks, "Aren't you gonna give him any notice?" and Brandon sucks a turd, some more, again, and leaves the room with a, "I really can't, Mom.  They need me to start right away.  I'll get Brenda to fill in for me until he can find a replacement," and instead of getting up and grabbing the runt by the collar, spinning him around and backhanding his smug face with her ugly engagement ring, she just kind of half-assedly calls after him, "Brenda has summer school." Great guidance there, cow.

Cut to Brenda's room and I guess she's like, preparing for her summer school drama class with her abhorent teacher or some such, and Brandon comes in to butter her up to get her to cover for him at The Pit with, "Hey, beautiful sister," because any non-incestuous FREAK SHOW would absolutely say this to their opposite-sex sibling.  And Brenda is a non-moron and says, "Why do I get the sneaking feeling that you want something?" and because Brandon is a leaky hemorrhoid on the ass lips of society, he bulldozes over her with, "No.  No.  Not at all.  In fact, I wanna do you a favor.  See, I just got offered this incredible job at the beach club for the summer but I need someone to take over for me at The Peach Pit.  Now before you get too excited it's only for a couple of weeks until Nat can find..." and then he actually notices someone else's existence for once in his goddamn life and sees that Brenda's upset and asks, "Bren, you been crying?"

So at first Brenda denies it, probably because she wants this little pube to get out of her room and leave her alone, but then he tells her that he knows she's been crying: "I know when you're upset, your cheeks get flushed...what is it?" So she kind of hems and haws and asks, "You know how things seem really important and you go out and do them and then you can't even remember what you got so worked up about?" and that sadly applies to most things in life.  And then she goes on to tell him, "Well, I always thought I wanted a really cool boyfriend.  And to not be one of the last people to have sex.  Well, I have a cool boyfriend and we've had sex.  And god knows I'm not the last, in fact I'm beginning to wonder if I'm one of the first.  And...up until a few hours ago I thought maybe I was pregnant."

And then the entire solar system would expect this dingus' head to explode and for him to behave like a massive asshole about what Brenda just told him but INCREDIBLY he doesn't.  He's actually pretty understanding and sincere and concerned for his sister's well being.  Once again, The Real Brandon Walsh has obviously been abducted by aliens or some sort of fringe religious group, because there's no fucking way The Real Slim Brando would let this one slide by.  And he's all, "Oh, Brenda," but in like a sweet, sympathetic way, and she's all, "I'm not of course, otherwise if I was I wouldn't be so calm.  I guess I just overreacted," and AGAIN, he's very caring and says, "No.  No.  Not at all.  I understand how you feel," and you guys? HE SEEMS TO MEAN IT.  He's all pleasantly genuine and non-judgmental and non-condescending about it, and I just...I don't know what to do with myself.  I may need to head to the E.R. and request a forever coma.  IMMEDIATELY.  Oh, you say the he will morph back into a penile fissure by the end of the episode and I will resume plotting his retroactive murder in my spare ALL of the time? I should've known.

And then Brenda gets all - WHAT ELSE - dramatic (more so, that is) and says, "Everybody talks about sex like it's no big deal.  And it is a big deal," and then Brandon puts the Probably Moves on her and they hug and he attempts to soothe her with, "Hey, it's all right.  C'mere.  It's okay.  You're okay," like, he sounds like a MAJOR CREEP with his ooky voice and all.  And Brenda tells him, "I know.  It's just changed things that's all, " which...whatever.  Look: I know it's this Big Thing to lose your virginity.  But, it's not like she was actually pregnant.  Had she ventured into Melissa Coolidge territory, that'd be a different story and then she could cry all the live long day about how Things Have Changed and Everything's Different Now and Whatever. ANYTHISISASNOOZE, Brandon asks if she has told the parentals about her scare which, YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT.  Cindy? Maybe.  Jim? Hell to ALL THE NOS.  Jim is a saddlebag brimming with cow plop and had a HUUUUUUUUUGE issue with Brenda even dating Dylan.  So I somehow doubt he would take the fact that his daughter and Jack "The Swindler" McKay's son now know each other biblically with a grain of salt.  Don't believe me? Just you wait.  Blah blah Brenda makes Brandon promise he won't tell their parents NO ONE, INCLUDING INSUBSTANTIAL 33-YEAR-OLD PIECES OF SHIT WHO ARE SPOOKILY OBSESSED WITH THIS SHOW, FUCKING CARES blah.

LORD.  So we cut back downstairs for The Big Discovery, where Cindy is disgusting and going through everyone's trash without rubber gloves on and she finds the pregnancy test and apparently doesn't catch on too quick, seeing as she turns the thing over in her hand a couple of time, like she's trying to sound out the words, all "preg-nun-cee teh-hest." And then she breathes, "Oh my god," and I in turn say the same thing, although mine sounds more like, "Oh my FUCKING god this is so so uninteresting pardon me while I chuck myself out of my 12th floor office suite watch out below downtown Los Angeles."

Oh. GREAT.  We're now in the living room later than evening, because Cindy (whose waistband comes up to her areolas) couldn't have, oh, I don't know, talked to Brenda about the pregnancy test herself, mother-to-daughter, which probably would've made Brenda feel more comfortable, rather than bringing in her reputed DICK MUNCH husband who will make Brenda feel like ye olde WHORE.  So Brenda advises them, "I think you guys are really misunderstanding," which, in their defense, I don't see what they could possibly be misunderstanding.  So then Cindy asks, "Is it yours? Did you use this test?" and why Brenda didn't just pin it on Kelly "Spread Eagle" Taylor is beyond me.  What an easy out that would've been.  But alas, she doesn't.  She instead asks, "Where did you find it anyway? I mean I didn't know this family was spying on trash." So Cindy tells her, "Honey, I wasn't spying.  You had it wrapped in plastic, I was separating the trash for recycling," but she fails to finish that sentence with, "without gloves.  Because my hygiene is appalling."

So Jim is a complete liar and is all, "Brenda, we're not angry with you.  We just wanna know what's going on," and Brenda tells them that she's so embarrassed, like, I think the only one in the room who should be embarrassed is Jim, dressed like a fucking extra from The West Beverly Hills Community Theater production of goddamn Yentl.  And then Cindy hops on the Lie-Telling Bandwagon and says, "We just want you to be able to feel that you can discuss these things with us," why WHYYYYYYY would anyone want to discuss this kind of thing with their parents? But Brenda barrels ahead with, "For a moment there, I thought that maybe I was pregnant.  My period was a few days late so I got worried." And Jim is Stupid with a capital I Hate Him and asks, "Well, did you do something that would give you reason to believe that if you were a few days late that that would indicate that you were pregnant?" which AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Look, I know that he's all in denial about his daughter Doing The It but COME ON.  So Brenda says all slowly and awesomely, "You mean like sex?" and Jim's all, "Yes.  Something like that." And Brenda is My Hero and tells him like, DUH, "Yes, of course."

And now, GET READY FOR MY HEAD TO DETONATE INTO INFINITY LITTLE PIECES.  So Cindy is all aghast and asks, "Well! How long has this been going on?" like, I don't seem to recall Brandon being subjected to Nosy Prick questions such as this after he Did The It WITH WEATHERED SHERYL IN HIS BEDROOM WHICH IS TWO DOORS DOWN FROM HIS PARENTS' ROOM AND RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SISTER'S.  WHILE HIS FAMILY OCCUPIED SAID ROOMS AND WATCH OUT FOR FLYING DEBRIS WHICH IS ACTUALLY MY SKULL BECAUSE IT'S NOW JUST A MASS OF PROJECTILES.  But it gets FOREVER WORSE because Jim flies up from the couch all huffed up and begins his lecture series Hypocritical Fuckwit Fathers: How To Treat Your Daughter Like Excrement For Things Your Mutation Of A Son Already Did On A Much More Disrespectful, Heinously Inappropriate Level.  Stay tuned for the next installment of the series How To Achieve The Height Of Shitbaggery By Getting Disproportionately Angry With Your Daughter For Sneaking Down Mexico Way With Her Boyfriend When You Didn't Get NEARLY As Upset Over The Fact That Your Contemptible Son ALMOST FUCKING KILLED A MAN One Time While On A Steve SAUNders-Abetted Idiotically-Named-Cocktail Jag later this season.  ANYHOW, Jim's all, "Brenda, having sex means making a very serious commitment.  And at your age..." and then Cindy cuts in with, "It's a big responsibility, Brenda, and I just wish that you had discussed it with us first," and PARDON? She was supposed to talk to them before fucking Dylan? WHO WOULD DO THAT NO ONE THAT'S WHO BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS.

So then Brenda obviously realizes that her MONSTERS of parents aren't going to relent, so she admits (although she really shouldn't fucking have to), "All right.  The first time I did it was two weeks ago with Dylan," which...in "Home Again" she told Brandon that they had been sleeping together for three weeks.  WHATEVER.  So Cindy asks where and instead of telling her, "None of your goddamn business, but at least I can say that it WASN'T IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE WHILE YOU PRESUMABLY SLEPT IN THE NEXT ROOM," Brenda says, "In the hotel where the dance was being held.  I mean, are you guys happy now that you know everything?" and FOR REAL.  Nice revolting interrogation, Parents Walsh.  So then Jim's all, "I warned you about him," and FUUUUUUUUUCK, I Super-Hate Jim.  So Brenda lays into her father all, "Don't blame this on Dylan.  It was something that we both wanted to do," and Jim is just such a condescending crotch-mite and says, "Ha! I see.  As two consenting teenagers?" And then I guess Cindy thinks she's being helpful, but she's actually being a total asshole, and tells Brenda, "The point is, yes, physically you're ready, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you are emotionally," and Brenda says that she thinks she is and can I PLEEEEEEEEEASE ask: WHERE WAS THIS TALK AFTER BRANDON HAD SEX IN THEIR HOUSE WHILE THE REST OF THE FAMILY SLEPT/LISTENED IN DOWN THE HALL??? I know I keep referencing it but MY GOD YOU GUYS MY GOD.  I could actually cook some pasta in my fucking bloodstream it's boiling so much right now...over a story line that aired on television nearly 23 years ago.  OH WHATEVER. EAT A DICK EVERYONE.

So then Cindy continues on with her piece-of-shit-miserably-disguised-as-caring little speech and tells Brenda, "I just wonder if five years from now you're gonna look back and think the same thing." I wonder if Brandon will look back in five years and regret having sex for the first time with someone who looks like this:

And who says things like, "You were a wonderful lover." I know I sure would.

So then Brenda is RAD some more, again, and sits back on the sofa and asks, "Didn't you and Dad have sex before you were married?" and Jim gets flustered and NON-rad and asks, "Well...what's that supposed to mean?" and then he asks if Brenda plans on marrying Dylan, which, is that some subtle way of saying you should only sleep with the person you're going to marry??? I...can't with this. I just...I can't.  And then Brenda tells him, "No.  Why do you guys wanna make me feel so bad?" and once again I say FUCKING FOR REAL-REAL.  So then Cindy lies again and tells her that they don't want to make her feel bad, and then Jim is at the top of my Kill List and adds, "We just want you to realize that in this day and age, especially, sex is not a game.  No matter how it may look in movies and on t.v.," like, yes.  The Almost Wife-Swap Jim and Cindy did with Bob And Trudie Barnett From The Houston Office in the "B.Y.O.B." episode was certainly not all fun and games, and I have the psychiatric ward bills to prove it.  So Cindy states the obvious by saying that having sex doesn't make you an adult and Brenda tells them, "Good. 'Cause I don't wanna be an adult." Neither do I.  Except for the alcohol.

So then a car horn toots outside and Brenda's all, "That must be Dylan.  I'm supposed to go out with him tonight," and Jim thinks he's Charles Bronson and says, "Good.  I wanna talk to him, too," because that not at all bizarre and short-sighted.  And Brenda gets all up in his grill with, "Don't you dare! Dad, you're not his father," and I'm certain Dylan is BEYOND thankful for that favor.  I'd take Shitty Diarrhea Dad Jack McKay over Fuck Face Jim Walsh as a father any day of the week.  So luckily, Cindy agrees with Brenda, although I still hate her, and tells her husband, "Brenda is right." So Brenda heads to the door all, "I'll kill myself if you say one word.  I don't want him to know that you know." Which, whatever.  Dylan should really just karate-chop Jim's peanut of a head and call it a damn day.

So then Dylan comes in looking ALL sorts of handsome in a new shirt he just picked up at County Seat and he greets his girlfriend all, "Hey, Bren. How are ya?" and then Cindy hurries by and can't make eye contact and says, "Hi Dylan." Dylan then spots the pregnancy test in Brenda's hands and sort of freaks and asks her, "Why, uh, why do you have that box in your hand?" And then Jim walks by all, "Hi Dylan.  Don't stay out too late," and then the non-comedy ensues as Dylan calls after him, "I swear to god, we won't."

After Brenda and Dylan leave, we cut to Kitchen Of Walsh for a conversation between these two that no one cares about: Jim: "God.  I heard myself out there sounding exactly like my father when I was Brenda's age.  Conservative.  Moralizing.  Completely inflexible.  All the things I swore I'd never be." Cindy: "Jim, it was a big shock.  Thank god she's not pregnant." Jim: "I like to think of myself as open-minded." Carly: "You are. But only when it comes to your son." Cindy: "It's hard when it comes to your own kids." Carly: "Except for when it's Brandon; then it's basically 'do whatever the fuck you want with ZERO consequences.'" Jim: "So.  What do we do? Make ground rules about sex? If we forbid her you know she'd run out and do exactly that.  There's no answer." Cindy: "Jim the answer is we're just going to have to put a lot of trust in our daughter." To this I say YOU'RE BOTH IMMENSE HEAPS OF MANURE.  WHATEVER.

Speaking of, we cut over to The Peach Pit, and Brandon coming in wearing his favorite Canadian Tuxedo.  Also: someone should really think about deep-cleaning The Pit counters.  Look at all that greasy build-up! Kind of like Worthless Nat's hair.

ANYINOLONGERHAVEAWILLTOLIVE, Brandon's all, "Hey Nat," and Nat's all worthlessly, "Hey Brandon.  You just can't get enough of this place, huh? See, the food's so good around here even the help comes on their off-days.  What would you like? Anything you want, on the house," like, shut the fuck up, Nat, and go worthlessly have a heart attack or something.  So Brandon asks, "On the house? Never heard those words pass your lips before," and Nat tells him he's in a generous mood and then rather than having to pay this monotonous scene any mind, let me just tell you that Brandon begins to tell Nat that he needs to quit, but Nat worthlessly misinterprets the situation and informs Brandon that he can't give him a raise, which, AGAIN, doesn't AT ALL sync up with the last episode, where Brandon tells Brenda, "Now it's just starting to feel right.  I mean, Nat just gave me a raise, I'd have my new car by the end of the summer," like, thanks for the non-continuity, Continuity Team.  So then Brandon lays it on the line, saying that he got the new job at the BHBC (which he thankGODfully doesn't describe as "righteous" this go-around) and he has to start the next day.  Because he's an absolute heel and The Only Person Who Matters In The Cosmos is one Brandon "Dick Crust" Walsh.  And then Nat's all, "Tomorrow? Brandon, I said we were slow but we're not dead.  I can't run this place by myself!" and once again, Worthless Nat proves himself to be a really dreadful business owner, seeing as apparently it's only him and Brandon who work at The Peach Pit. I...what? And then Brandon tells him, "I know, Nat...you'll find somebody; I'll help you!" and Nat gets all trashy-mad and asks, "But by tomorrow??? Do you have any idea how many yutzes there are out there?" and yes, Nat, you're speaking to one.  And you yourself are one.  In conclusion: I know there are at least two yutzes out there.

So then Brandon is just like, devastated over his abominable treatment of Nat, only not at all.  And then Nat does something Non-Worthless for once in his goddamn life and basically tells Brandon to fuck right off and die with a, "Okay.  Okay, I understand.  Hey kid it's been a lot of fun working with you.  And you have yourself a good summer, huh?" which was totally delivered in that Cunt Bitch way that actually means, "Your hair is dog throw-up and you have fat thighs." And then Nat walks away and I like him for a moment, but don't worry: he'll be back to worthlessly licking Brandon's ass-crack by the end of the episode, thereby reinforcing Brandon's Untouchable Princely Ideal of himself.

BEACH MAKE-OUT.  Although if I were Brenda, I would be tongueing the Speedster right about now.  I mean, Dylan's good-looking and all, but he doesn't even begin to compare to My Automotive Dream Date.

So then Brenda pushes Dylan's face off of hers because SHE'S CRAZY and Dylan ABSOLUTELY hit up County Seat for his shirt, and he asks her what's wrong and she Brenda Dramatics, "Everything." And you know what, you guys? I hate this scene.  And the last scene of this episode.  So he tells her, "It's not the end of the world.  Your parents will get over it...they shouldn't have made you feel guilty, Bren, that's not fair," and for some reason, she defends them and says, "Dylan, they didn't," all Stockholm Syndrome-y, and then she adds, "Believe it or not this has nothing to do with my parents.  It's just...the icing on the cake." So he's all Our Dylan and says, "I understand.  You had a bad scare.  I don't blame you for being upset." So she tells him that it made her think about a lot of things, and then asks, "Do you know how lucky I feel that I met someone like you?" and Our Dylan responds, "I feel lucky, too."

And then she's all, "When we first started going out, I thought you were so sexy.  It was so exciting how we flirted and everybody looked at us," but she fails to mention that one of the people preoccupied with looking at them in all their New Relationship Glory was her creepy, plantar wart of a brother.  Also: DYLAN'S LITTLE SMIRKY, BITING LIP THING OH MY GOD.  And then she adds, "And then I fell in love with you," and he's all, "And I fell in love with you." And then she prattles on for some time about trusting him enough to have sex with him and that she feels that they've crossed over some imaginary line and then she gets a little Brenda Hysterical over worrying about condoms and birth control and going to the gynecologist and WHATEVER.

So they hug and he asks her, "Is it getting too scary?" and she tells him that she doesn't know what they're about anymore (HOTNESS, I'd say) and that HERE WE FUCKING GO she thinks they need to stop seeing each other, "at least for a while." So Dylan gets a little Brenda Hysterical himself and says, "You're overreacting, stop worrying about what your parents think and figure out what you feel," and she tells him, "I have.  I know what I'm feeling," and he's all, "No you don't, everything you've told me so far only adds up to one thing: you're afraid.  It's not enough of a reason."

So she tells him, "I do know what I'm feeling.  And I need to break up with you," and Our (Poor) Dylan says, "No...NO," and he's pouty and about to throw a tantrum and he's all sad and yearning and lawwwwwwwwwnging and if I could've screencapped EVERY.  SINGLE.  SECOND.  from this scene, I would have.  Dylan has never looked better or more in need of a hug.

It's the next whatever in Cindy and Jim's bedroom with a very oddly-placed framed picture on kind of a grubby-looking wall, and Brenda comes in in an adorable, '40s-vibe two-piece ensem, which I really like.

So Jim's in his Formal Sleepwear and Cindy's wearing her saucy silken Kathy Ireland Signature Collection pajama top.  And Brenda tells them that she has an announcement: "Dylan and I broke up last night." So then Jim's and Cindy's pants BURST INTO FLAMES as Cindy lies, "Oh honey, you didn't have to break up with Dylan," and Jim lies, "That's not what we were saying." But Brenda's all, "I know that.  It's just that honestly things have gotten more serious than I really wanted.  I guess at the moment I'm just not ready for a sexual relationship," and what a sickening thing to be discussing with your parents, I mean really.

Up next we have Beemer Bitch, on her surprisingly slim-and-wireless?-for-the-era car phone, talking with Brenda about the break up.  As soon as Kelly heard she probably U-turned in the middle of the block, hitting several parked cars, trash cans, pedestrians and squirrels in her haste, and is currently 95-mile-per-houring-it over to Dylan's to let him know that her and her cooch are single and ready to raise the CDC's reported STD instances for 1991.

So anyway, Kelly asks, "Brenda, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" and Brenda, not seeming the LEAST BIT torn up over it, tells her, "Kelly, it's not just that, I mean, it's a lot of things," which? what things? I don't seem to recall...oh fucking forget it.  Yes, I'm more distressed about their parting of the ways than Brenda is. SO WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE.  Even though you actually pretty much do (you're reading it) and you feel very bad for me but mostly bad for my family.  So then Kelly asks how Dylan took it and Brenda says, "Not so well," and Kelly's all, "Well guys never do.  Doesn't matter how cute they are," and THE FUCKING FUCK??? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN YOU LABIA SCAB??? And then said labia scab asks Brenda, "What do I say to him if I see him at the beach, though? You know, other than 'let's fuck'?" only maybe not that last part, and Brenda tells her, "Nothing. I'm sure he hates me right now."

So then we have a sweet gee-tar riff which leads up to the BHBC...

...and this mess, trudging through the sand in his white trash Payless sneakers, carrying towels...somewhere, with his eyes all squinted up and his mouth kind of open, sort of like he did when he emerged from the water earlier in the episode.  What I'm trying to say is that Brandon has never looked hotter.  If by "hotter" I mean "fucking putrid."

So he meets up with Dylan who's waxing his surfboard in some more barfy Screech Pants and a Slater Tank (although Slater's would undoubtedly come with a racer back and 150% more Chance Of Nipple) and Brandon just kind of tosses the towels aside, like, nice work there, you fucking worthless piece of shit.  So then he Tony Micellis, "Yo Dylan," and Dylan, who was probably hoping for a nice, quiet morning to hit the waves and meditatively reflect on his break up with Brenda but instead now has to deal with Moment And Everything Else Ruiner Brandon, wearily asks, "Hey B.  What brings you back to the beach?"

So Brandon's all cluelessly, "Didn't Brenda tell ya? I got a job here for the summer," and Dylan says all bitterly, "Naw, must've slipped her mind," when what he should've said was, "Contrary to what you might think, you semen stain, not every conversation in the world revolves around you." So then Brandon feels negative remorse for unceremoniously bailing on Nat and brags, "It's incredible, man.  I get to hang out in the sun all summer long and I make more than I did at The Peach Pit." But Our Dylan's there to have Worthless Nat's back, all, "Yeah? How does Nat feel about you leaving?" and Brandon, completely regretless, says, "Well, that was the only bummer.  He didn't take it so well," and Dylan inquires as to why and Brandon, with NO shame, informs him, "I guess 'cause I had to start right away.  I didn't give him any notice." And then Dylan lays a smackdown with, "Well, you Walshes have a way of dumpin' on people," and Brandon gets all defensive and asks what that's supposed to mean.

So Dylan, who probably shouldn't wear tank tops (although in my opinion, no man, anywhere, EVER EVER EVER, should wear a tank top) tells him, "Nothin'.  Man, the guy is your friend, you gotta show him some respect," but OF COURSE Brandon doesn't get it OF COURSE and says, "Yeah, I know.  But if I didn't start today I would've lost out on this gig." So as long as Brandon has some weak-ass excuse, it completely justifies his reprehensible behavior? I see. But thankfully, Our Dylan is there to remind this little ingrown testicle hair, "Big deal.  B, I've been a member here all my life, man, and the place is not worth sellin' your soul for."

And then he tosses his Sex Wax right in Stupid Brandon's stupid face (although he should've like, stuffed it down Stupid Brandon's stupid throat) and struts it the fuck out of there...in his genuinely despicable outfit.  WHATEVER.

IN YOUR FACE, FOOL. Also: nice ONCE AGAIN Tony Manero necklace and shabby acid-washed, oxblood colored t-shirt.  Trash.

MOTHER.  So we head over to West Bev and OBVIOUSLY other than Brenda's tragic jeans, her outfit is pretty cute.  Also, Donna's is a blight upon the senses, but it's also How We Dressed In The '90s.  So shut up.  ANYWHOCARES, Donna, who like Gut Bucket Kelly depends solely on attention from men in order to sustain her existence, asks, "So Bren, what are you going to do on Saturday nights now?" And Brenda informs this cooze, "Donna, Dylan was not my life," and then Donna calls Brenda "so brave" and I need to go lie down.  In a tub.  Filled with hydrofluoric acid.

And then we get a shot of this dweeb, like, why the fuck would David be taking a summer school drama class? We never find out.  Although I'm assuming it's in order to perfect his "performance" "skills":

They need infinitesimal decades of work, Big Dave.

GERG.  So then AHHHHHHHNdrea and the misfortune that is her personality walk into the room (my thoughts exactly, Donna) and her Osh Kosh B'Gosh jumpsuit? Is the garment equivalent of whole-body, stage IV cancer.  So Brenda, simply being inquisitorially friendly, says, "AHHHHHHHNdrea, I didn't know you were taking drama class," and DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAG AHHHHHHHHHNDREA takes it wrong OF COURSE and says all kind of snootily, "Well, you don't have to sound so surprised." Like, CRAM IT, WINDBAG.  I'm only even remotely tolerating this plot line because of the fucking badass open-handed right-hook Brenda hits your cheek with a few episodes from now.

CHRIST.  It's like she's wearing one of those back brace, work-belt things that movers often employ for heavy lifting.  She's also giving polka dots a really bad rap.  So then of course she goes into the most colorless explanation of her presence in the class possible with, "Well, I thought I would be spending most of the summer at this children's shelter but then I realized that I had my mornings free so here I am," and OF COURSE she's a First Class Grade-Grubber so she adds, "Plus, I had to spice up my resume.  Colleges love diversity and they like to know that you can have fun," and seriously? I don't have the energy.  Moving on.

Also: I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY FOR THIS CLOWN EITHER.  Honestly. So KILL ME NOW here he is: their teacher, Chris Suitor, affectionately known to most human life forms as The Man That ALLLLLLLLL Of The Night Terrors Are Made Of.  However, I will henceforth refer to him as Garg, as in Gargoyle because FUCK HE'S REALLY UNATTRACTIVE.  And his personality is reminiscent of the foul-smelling pus that comes out of a lanced boil.  What I'm trying to say is he and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea will be PERFECT for each other! It's really too bad that those kids couldn't make it work.

So as he comes into the room, for reasons only known to Satan, AHHHHHHHNdrea, Brenda and Donna all have like, simultaneous orgasms over how hot they think this douche is.  It's funny, because I didn't realize until this episode that all three of these characters are blind.  And apparently deaf, because what comes out of this dude's yap-hole are possibly the most off-putting, smug, grating, affected words ever put to speech.  Seriously.  And his glasses are some I Know My First Name Is Steven shit, all Chester the Molester in a windowless van StyleZ.

So let's just get through what he has to say and then we can all meet back here afterwards, hop in the time machine, travel back to April 15, 1912, and let the band play us out to our sweet, merciful deaths on the boat deck of the RMS Titanic as it lowers us into our couldn't-come-soon-enough watery graves.  Women, children and people who haven't been subjected to this deformity's discourse first.  Hold onto your stomachs, y'all: "I hit the most incredible traffic on the 405. [OOOOOOO, HOW ORIGINAL.] I'm Chris Suitor.  And, let me tell you a little about myself. [NO THANKS.  NO, SERIOUSLY. NO THANK YOU.] Born Harrisburg, Pennsylvania 1967.  Son of a civil engineer, Ted Suitor, and his lovely wife Sue Anne, a former Southern belle from South Carolina. [WHAT KIND OF ATROCITIES AGAINST MANKIND DID TED AND SUE ANNE COMMIT IN ORDER TO BE PUNISHED WITH THIS FOR A SON???] They met and fell in love at UVA and got married on May 12, 1959.  Neither family approved, but out of that blessed union came Ned, Roxanne and finally Chris [I BET NED AND ROXANNE ARE JUST WRETCHED AS WELL; also: OH, GOODY, HE'S DOING THIS IN THE THIRD PERSON. I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS A WAY IN WHICH HE COULD MAKE THIS MORE UNPLEASANT.] a child who grew up not unlike any other child except when he announced the terrifying news at the age of 18 that he wanted to be An Actor.  Months of begging, pleading and sound beatings to the head [NOTE TO TED: YOU DIDN'T BEAT HARD ENOUGH.] did nothing to dissuade him.  He applied to Northwestern's theater department and was accepted.  Years of torturous study, small roles in great plays and large roles in lousy plays followed.  Graduation loomed and Broadway beckoned, where on his first meeting with a casting director was told to find another line of work.  He agreed.  So, in the great tradition of those who cannot do, teach, I humbly present myself to you, your esteemed drama teacher.  You may call me Mr. Suitor [I'LL STICK WITH GARG, GARG.] and what I've just delivered you may call a monologue."

Oh, and during his little Oration Of Pretension, the girls are like, swooning and all adoring.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

THE HELL IF I KNOW.  But I'm pretty certain Garg is some kind of voodoo spellcaster, because there's no way in ALL THE FUCKS that anything that just came out of his mouth could be construed as "charming" or "engrossing." Except for maybe the "gross" part.

So then Garg shows his true perv colors when he says, "Who else would like to give it a try? Huh? C'mon, hey, it's easy! It's just your life story in one minute or less.  Thank you, thank you, dark-haired girl with the beautiful smile for volunteering," meaning Brenda and RUN, BRENDA! RUN LIKE THE WIND! So anyway, she's all kinds of embarrassed and walks to the front of the group and I'm just waiting for the moment when it's revealed that this whole story line was just a drawn out episode of To Catch A Predator and that Chris Hansen will be waiting in the wings to escort Garg out to the police cruiser.  Only not because that scenario unfortunately doesn't happen.

Cut to: twenty-hundred hours of Totally '90s BHBC Guest Shenanigans.

Like these gals and their Bad Hair.

And Brunette Tawny Kitaen.

And this chick and her high pony apparently pleasuring themselves with some Banana Boat tanning oil.

And Tia Carrere, the moment she's being offered the role of Cassandra Wong in Wayne's World on her BEHEMOTH Zack Morris Brick Phone.

And this guy, who looks like every sidekick from every movie made between 1987 and 1992.

MEDIC! Because repulsive.

Her skin will thank her in about ten years by shriveling up into a leathery, dehydrated prune.

Then we cut to Steve who is COMPLETELY Non-Steve SAUNdered and I can't decide which look is more objectionable.  And he's hitting on this poor girl, threatening her with, "All right, if I nail this next point I get to take you out to lunch, okay?" and she's probably praying to all the gods under her breath for Steve to whiff it because she's too polite to kick sand in his mullet and walk away laughing.

So then he's all, "19 serving 20!" but before he can serve, Kelly comes up in a DARLING polka dot dress, like, thank you, Kelly, for attempting to erase the polka dot nightmare that we just saw on AHHHHHHHNdrea.  Also: I would do a lot of horrible things to get this dress.  Like, maybe I'd oil-up Steve's chest, I don't know.  The heart wants what it wants.  So then he's all, "Time out! Kelly, can't you see I'm trying to serve?

So she faces him and on closer inspection I realize that the pattern on the dress is little squares, not polka dots.  But it's still perfect so whatever.  So Kelly, Conniving Gossip Monger, asks him, "Did you hear?...Brenda broke up with Dylan last night."

And Steve, with his odd, bulge-y Tour de France hat and scorched albino flesh (seriously, Steve - you're gonna wanna put some aloe on that) says, "You're kidding!" And then of course all Kelly cares about is invading Dylan's groinal region so she asks, "Have you seen him? I mean, is he okay?" and Steve is a lout and tells her, "Oh, c'mon! They've been going out for months.  They were bound to go bust.  I'm sure he's ecstatic that she's finally cut him loose."

So then Kelly joins me in telling him, "You're so romantic," all sarcastically and the in a kind-of nice, natural moment (for them) between these two she sort of lightly shoves him and then runs off.  WHATEVER.  GIMME THAT DRESS.

We cut upstairs somewhere to Henry's office, where Brandon's wearing yet ANOTHER acid-washed ass shirt and is about to secure my Forever Feelings of I FUCKING HATE THIS GUY.  So Henry's watching t.v. and tells Brandon, "Now look, if you wanna get along with me you will remember that every weekday between eleven and twelve, The Young And The Restless, no interruptions, you got it?" and OH HOW KOOKILY ZANY! And then he points out Brandon's uniform over on some chair, like, thank ZEUS Brandon won't be parading around the beach club in his double-wide curtain remnants anymore.  And then Brandon decides to simultaneously find a soapbox, a high horse AND a pulpit to get up on and then deliver this little gem of a scolding to his new boss: "Thanks.  But I don't think I'm gonna be able to wear it for about a week...I can't dump on my former employer like this.  I mean, I can't understand why you'd want somebody like that working for you anyway.  Someone of such little integrity." And OH! RIGHT! Because now it's HENRY'S fault for hiring you and MAKING you quit your Peach Pit job with no notice.  I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS BUT IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

So rather than kicking Brandon's half-pint ass and tossing him over the railing of his office balcony, Henry just asks, "Who is this Nat?" and I tell him, "No one you need to concern yourself with.  He's pretty worthless," and Brandon chimes in with, "He's a really great guy.  You see, I'd never leave you without giving you some notice.  I gotta do the right thing," LIKE, YOU ALREADY QUIT.  THE.  JOB.  YOU IMBECILE.  YOU ALREADY FUCKED NAT OVER.  SO STOP ACTING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY MR. MORAL FIBER.  BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY SHOWN YOUR TRUE, SELF-INVOLVED, TWERPY LITTLE COLORS.  NOW PLEASE.  GO DIE.  Blah blah Henry's all, "Mr. Walsh, you better be worth waiting for. [TRUST ME HE ISN'T.] Now get outta here," but he fails to add, "and never come back." Which is something someone should say to Brandon each and every episode.

Back at West Bev, Brenda's apparently finishing up her little monologue, which I'm fairly certain didn't involve nearly the amount of pomposity that Garg's did.  So here's how she wraps it up: "So I moved from Minnesota to Beverly Hills, which was definitely a shock that I finally got over because I met some incredible friends, including a great guy names Dylan.  Who I fell totally in love with.  But our relationship got too intense for both of us and we broke up last night," and I don't seem to recall the relationship becoming "too intense" for Dylan, but whatever.

Oh, and then AHHHHHHHNdrea's all kind of under her breath, "Huh.  I'm always the last to know," and do I even have to explain whyyyyyyyyy, you hag??? LOOK IN THE MIRROR.  AND THEN MAYBE RECORD EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH FOR ONE DAY.  THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.

GOD.  So after Brenda finishes, Garg, who's probably foaming at the mouth now that he knows she's single and because he wants to put it in her, is all, "So, how does that make you feel?" and Brenda's all, "Kinda sad, I guess," and he's all, "Great.  Great, what else?" and she says, "Kind of alone," and SIIIIIIIIIGH he says, "Terrific! What else?" and GET A MOVE ON she responds, "Confused," and JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL AND THELMA & LOUISE ME OVER THAT CREVASSE OVER THERE Carg's all, "Wonderful." And Brenda is all up in arms now and asks, "Why is it wonderful? I feel terrible!" And then Garg thinks he's a fucking genius (HE COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG) and gets all up in Brenda's personal space and tells her, "It's wonderful because you feel it.  And that is the most important part of acting.  So embrace all your feelings no matter what they are because they're what make you number one, human, and number two and even more importantly, a good actor," and WOW.  Garg and his bunchy diaper khakis are fuckin' deep, man.

And then AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's hand shoots up in the air and she asks, "Are we gonna be graded on this?" thereby providing the non-comic non-relief of this scene, and I feel you, 25-Year-Old Dude In The Background Wearing Your Neon Green B.U.M. Hooded Shirt.  I feel you.

Back to The Pit.  Where Brandon comes in thinking he's going to save the day.  And worthless Nat's acting WHAT ELSE all worthless and nice to Brandon, like the little puke didn't royally screw him over a mere 24 hours ago, and Brandon offers up this non-sincere mea culpa: "Uh, listen, Nat, I'm sorry for bailin' on you like that." So Nat, seemingly not bothered AT ALL tells him, "Hey.  You did what you had to do." So then Brandon manages to pass the words "I was wrong" through his lips for the very first time in his life, and Nat's all, "Yeah.  But let's be bygones be bygones, right?" But Brandon says, "Wrong, I told the guy at the beach club that I had to give you a week.  Otherwise he could take his job and..." and NICE REVISIONIST HISTORY THERE, DICK CHEESE.  So then Nat interrupts him, "No, no, no, hold on.  I found someone already," and Brandon's all taken aback and says, "You did?" and Nat is just...SO, SO worthless and says, "Don't look so surprised.  This joint ain't that bad," and we can now add "massively deluded" to Nat's descriptor.  So Brandon's all, "I just didn't want to leave you hangin'," and Nat COMPLETELY FORGETS THAT BRANDON ALREADY DID JUST THAT and says, "Aww, you didn't.  And I appreciate it.  C'mere, you," and then...

...THIS HAPPENS, LIKE, NAT LITERALLY HUGS AND KISSES BRANDON.  LIKE, I NEED TO GO BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND AND BY "SAND" I OF COURSE MEAN "CEMENT," OUT OF THE FEAR THAT I WILL HAVE TO WITNESS THIS KIND OF NIGHTMARE-INDUCING BEHAVIOR EVER EVER AGAIN.  So after Pedo Nat finishes up with his facial groping of Brandon, he says, "You have yourself a good summer, huh?" and Brandon's all, "Right, you too.  Thanks, Nat." And once GODDAMN again, Brandon is allowed to act like a complete jackass and get away with it, JUST LIKE THAT.  So ALL IS FORGIVEN and Brandon leaves Nat to worthlessly go spread condiments on some sandwich bread.  WHATEVER.

YOW.  I can't tell for certain from here, but I'd bet you anything there's some really unappealing and nerdly camel toe going on in AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's nether regions.  ANYway, she's almost done with her stupid speech deal, which is putting everyone the fuck to sleep.  Big shock, right? And no one actually cares what AHHHHHHHHHNdrea has to say, right? Right.

BLECH.  Well, no one but this guy.  Because he can tell from AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's droning just how insecure she is and how easy it will be to take advantage of her and get his rocks off later in the summer.  WHATEVER.

So the bell rings and everyone heads out into the hallway and AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "God, I was so nervous up there talking to everybody," and Brenda bald-face lies and tells her, "You were fine." And then Donna adds, "I'm terrified that tomorrow when I talk about my life that I'll be done in about two seconds.  Wait, do you think I could make something up?" and NO ONE cares about any of this because we're really just waiting for...

YAAAS. AND LOOK HOW SAD.  I too am sad, but mostly because of the jeans he's wearing in public.

So Brenda tells the others, "I'll see you guys later, okay?" and then Donna says all snotty, "Uh oh.  Dylan Alert," and I'm sorry, but what the fuck did Dylan do that was so wrong, Donna??? NICE OUT-OF-NOWHERE ATTITUDE.  So then AHHHHHHHNdrea and Donna and Steve Urkel beat it the fuck out of there.

So Brenda and Dylan meet up in front of this non-cleverly placed little poster, like, I THINK WE GET IT SET DESIGNERS AND A-HOLE WRITERS WHO ARE TRYING TO TELL US THAT TEEN SEX IS BAD...WELL, ONLY BAD WHEN BRENDA DOES IT, THAT IS.  So anyhow, here they are, and Dylan's ALLLLLLLLL kinds of Heartbroken Bad Boy and he tells her, "I'm feelin' bad, Bren." And Brenda says, "Me too," even though she really hasn't been acting like it, nor will she act like it the rest of the summer.

So Dylan is Pained and Saddened and Full Of Hurt and how Brenda isn't have sex with him RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND on the floor is beyond me.  So he's all, "So why you doin' it?" and she pulls out her "I need some time" card and he says, "You know I thought that if we ever broke up I would feel this tremendous sense of relief, I could go back to bein' myself.  But somethin' happened, I fell in love with you, or somethin'.  And I stopped being a loner," and this would be the exact moment when millions upon millions of girls and boys across America fell in love with Tortured Soul Dylan McKay.  I mean, even his eyebrow scar is serving up some Full Of Suffering And Aching Heartbreak Realness.

So then Brenda finally shows some goddamn emotion and tells him, "Dylan, I think that's wonderful." And he's all, "I think it's terrible.  The only person in this world I have to depend on is me? And I always have to remember it?" So she tells him that he can depend on her and that "just because I need some time and a break doesn't mean that I still don't love you or that this isn't painful for me too," and then, with icy cold bitterness in his voice, he says, "Well maybe that's what they mean when they say love.  Hurts," and he fortunately doesn't bust out the Nazareth version of the song of the same name.  So then she gets a little Brenda Hysterical, again, some more, and says, "Dylan! I got so close it scared me.  I don't wanna be scared with you."

AAAAAAAND, BRENDA'S A ROBOT.  So he's all, "I know.  If we're meant to be together, time will tell," and then very sweetly asks, "Can I take you home?" and SEEEEEEEEEEEEERIOUSLY, Brenda is a T-1000 because she tells him, "No...I think I should walk.  Goodbye, Dylan." And then! More guitar-riff of LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWNGING...

...and Dylan walks down the hall all Heartsick Rebel, under another BRILLIANTLY placed sign which reads "WE'LL MISS YOU," and Brenda turns around all Brenda Dramatically and cries into the camera and THEN!...

...when Dylan reaches the end of the hall, HE TURNS AROUND TO LOOK AT HER ONE LAST TIME MY GOD.  I mean...it very obviously won't be the last time, but you know what I mean.  It's all very dramatic and sad and knife-in-the-gut and after watching this episode, I desperately wanted a boyfriend I could do this very same thing with.  Because when you're 11, a relationship like this with all of these theatrics seems like a really good idea.  At 33, it sounds like AN ABYSS OF EXHAUSTING HORRORS and something that I would RUN GIRL! RUN! away from at top speed.

WHERE WERE WE? Oh, right.  This.  So Dylan scoots his boots on out of there, and Brenda continues to cry into the nothingness.  THE END.  And speaking of nothingness, I can't wait for the next six Summer Episodes, which are about as pleasant to watch as having to endure a barium swallow.  The only good part is when Brandon almost falls off a cliff and plummets to his long overdue death.  But even that's not really "good" seeing as he, you know, lives and all.  So.  Are you ready for that complete letdown, as well as all of the other non-entertainment that happens? Of course you're not!

Join me back here next time for "The Party Fish," a fucking Brandon-centered episode where he falls for some old broad (no, not AHHHHHHHNdrea) he works with, but as it turns out, she's also moonlighting as the Resident Beverly Hills Beach Club Hooker.  Meanwhile, Dylan and Brandon have a tiff and Dylan calls Brandon "Jones." Why? It's never explained.  Also: Brenda does something for her drama class that no living organism cares about.  ALSO-also: I begin my exciting and sometimes unpredictable descent jaunt into the exhilarating world of alcoholism! Because there's no goddamn WAY I'm going to be able to deal with episode after episode of The Steve SAUNders Summer Special (i.e. Steve, topless and blotchy) sober.  That's going to require A WHOLE LOT of my good friend Charles Shaw being shotgunned down my gullet.  We're talking CASKS full, people.  Until we meet again!

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, bh90210.fanfusion.org