Season 1; Episode 22 - Home Again: You'll Most Likely Be Emptying The Contents Of Your EVERYTHING After Witnessing AHHHHHNdrea's Excruciating Seduction Of Brandon. Keep Several Toilets Nearby.

So. Here it is. The final (POINTLESS) episode of Season 1 of Beverly Hills, 90210. Aren’t you like, BEYOND MEGA EXCITED??? No? Not at all? Yeah, me neither. What I really can’t believe is that I’ve been writing these things for a little under a year, and I’ve only NOW just reached the end of this mostly gag-worthy season. Real-life, grown-up people jobs really tend to put a damper on things, don’t they? ANYhow, I kind of like that the end of recapping the first season is sort of coinciding with my first anniversary of living here in LA. It seems fitting. Why? I don’t have any fucking clue. I just thought it sounded profound and meaningful. But I do remember being a girl of 10 and watching this show and becoming absolutely enamored with the idea of residing in Los Angeles. Little did I know that 23 years later I would be here, living the dream. And by “living the dream,” I of course mean, “Dream? What dream? I’m a 33-year-old crap-heap who writes about a show that started airing when I was in the fifth grade. And my LA [THAT’S RIGHT, GLEN, YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE] doesn’t even come close to what is portrayed on the show. Although, my boyfriend does have some pretty righteous sideburns, so, there’s that.” Where was I? Oh, right - this episode. Is lame. On a variety of levels. Enjoy. Or don’t. Whatever.



So we start out with some sweet key-tar music, and this: Steve getting clocked by some trash-mound mutant in the West Bev courtyard. And no one doing anything about it because Steve.



And then of course Brandon “Hero Complex” Walsh has to come up and stop Stripey The Mutant from walloping Steve to death. Because Brandon ruins ALL THE THINGS. And he pansily tells Stripey, “Back off!” Also: there are A LOT aborted-fetus-looking people who attend West Bev, I mean LOOK. 



Cut to these four who are strolling along, and Kelly and Dylan are in matching Steve SAUNders Specials,  which is probably a clever foreshadowing of Kelly’s Abduction Of Dylan’s Penis at the beginning of the third season. And even with my absolute hatred of the Steve SAUNders Special (and of Steve SAUNders The Subhuman), Dylan looks pretty damn dreamboat-y right here. And then Donna spots the fight between Steve and the mongoloid and is all, “You guys, what's going on?” and truly NO ONE CARES.



Cut back over to this 27-year-old shitbag (and Donna in a FABULOUS shirt-dress thing), who really looks like he could be one of the Lesser Cobra Kais. 



Totally.



And he proceeds to call Steve a wuss, so even though dude looks like he just rolled out of some rundown trailer park on the outskirts of Fontana, we could totally hang.



And then Steve The Panty-Waist is all, “Next time I’m gonna kill you,” which seems unlikely, given that before Brandon broke it up, Steve was being pummeled like the flesh-colored cotton candy-haired little bitch that he is. So Dylan’s all, “Everything alright? You cool?” and even though Steve is the antithesis of cool, Brandon responds with, “He’s fine, he’s fine,” and then he takes Steve for a walk. Also: I’M BORED. CAN WE TALK ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE???



Steve has never looked more like The Greatest American Hero. And he tells Brandon, “He started it, he said something stupid about my mom,” and Brandon can’t believe it, all, “You got into a fight over your mom?” and while I’m not condoning beat downs (yes, yes I am, especially when the person being beaten down is one Steve “Textured Plush” SAUNders), I would think defending your mom’s honor might be pretty important for a guy. But I guess not for Brandon. So basically, someone could come along and inform Brandon that they and a bunch of friends ran a train on Cindy the night before and Brandon would be all, “Meh.” Because Brandon is a poop stain on the underwear of life. And then Steve’s all, “Yeah. It really bugs me when they say she's washed up, alright? Bugs me even more that the jerk was smaller than me,” and then Brandon sucks, some more, again, and says, “Steve, that guy was built like a wide-load truck, man, it could've happened to anyone. Even me...no, probably not me,” even though Brandon could probably be taken down with one slightly overly-gregarious pat on the back. And then Steve laughs and says, “You know what, Walsh? Glad you moved to town,” which you can file under Things Exactly NO ONE Would Say To Anyone EVER In Real Life.




Christ. So then we cut over to Jim’s office, because Adults And Their Jobs make for really good teen-centric t.v. And some dude named Dan comes in and asks Jim, “Do you have any idea what's going on on the third floor?” And Jim’s all, “Let me guess, Coffler Industries went belly up?” and bOOOOOOOOOOring. And this Dan guy says, “Worse. Henry Powell is in town,” and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THIS IS WAY DULL I CAN’T EVEN. Can I just tell you that Jim thinks he’s going to be fired by this Henry Powell geezer, but he actually gets promoted, the caveat being the promotion is ONLY GOOD IN MINNESOTA OH NO WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN THE WALSHES WILL HAVE TO MOVE BACK TO MINNEAPOLIS AND THE END NO MORE SHOW. Except that extraterrestrials from ALL the other planets know that that’s not what happens and I’m pretty sure EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS knew at the time this aired that there was going to be more Beverly Hills, 90210 SO WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS EPISODE EVEN WRITTEN ANYWAY??? But seriously, I can’t with these ridiculous Nerdlinger Accountant Jim At Work scenes. I can’t. And I won’t. Moving on.



DEAR LORD. MARGARITA! HAS BEEN RESURRECTED! Or, I completely forgot she makes a brief appearance in this episode. Whatever. So Brandon’s all naming all of the herbs his mom and Margarita picked up: “Lemon basil; mint basil; cilantro basil. Two for one sale today, Mom?” and Cindy, continuing her role as The Constant Goddamn Gardner, tells him, “Well, it was such a beautiful day that Margarita and I decided to drive up north to this nursery that specializes in herbs,” and then she asks Brandon if he’ll take Margarita home, like, maybe someone should finger Brandon for Margarita’s disappearance, since he’s apparently the last person to see her alive, since for real-real, this is the last episode she’ll appear in or be mentioned at all. I swear this time.



More Story Line I Have Zero Fucks Left To Give About. Jim arrives home and takes Cindy, in an outfit my 94-year-old grandmother would deem as “too frumpy,” upstairs to tell her that he thinks he’s getting fired. Because, see, he hasn’t yet gotten the offer of the Minneapolis promotion. That comes later or whatever. But as I’ve mentioned NO ONE GIVES A DAMN. MOVE THE FUCK ON.



Oh, but first, let me note that nosy bitch Brandon heard Jim and Cindy’s entire conversation. And he and his lopsided hair are most likely thinking about how Jim’s unemployment will affect them. And Jim and Cindy TOTALLY didn’t see their son standing, dead-center, in their doorway. WHATEVER.



So then Brandon tells Brenda the news in their bathroom? I...don’t know. But Brenda’s all, “So, did you talk to him?” meaning Jim, and Brandon tells her, “What was I supposed to say, Dad, let's have a heart-to-heart about you getting the ax?” And Brenda can’t believe they would fire him, given that he’s worked for them for so long, but Brandon, Expert Unemployment Crusader, informs her, “Well, these aren't the best of economic times, Bren. People are getting laid off right and left.” And then Brenda reminisces about some “John Carter” they knew in Minneapolis, whose father lost his job and “then their house got repossessed and we never heard from them again,” and Brandon makes it even worse by saying, “Yeah, it was like they evaporated,” and THE FUCK??? This sounds like some jacked-up variation of the time the entire Family Walsh was unaware that Trashy Sheryl’s parents were divorced. Monsters, I tell you. They’re all monsters.



I’m seriously asking: WHO CARES??? So the next whatever, Jim heads into a breakfast meeting with the Infamous Henry Powell (which is being held in some tacky-ass room painted the same color as the soon-to-be-revamped Peach Pit, like, nice fucking office) and blah blah Powell lays it down on Jim all, “Walsh. Let's cut to the chase. You're not very happy out here, are you?” blah. And I’ve never gotten that impression, have you? I mean, Jim’s a cranky, hypocritical fuckwit most of the time, but otherwise, I’ve never seen him saying, “Oh, LA sucks. I hate it here. Because traffic, too hot, dickbag people, etc.” Which, if we’re being honest, is actually my list of Reasons I Sometimes Loathe Los Angeles. 



And AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! X INFINITY GALAXIES. Fucking Steve. Wearing loose stool. AND AN EYEPATCH. Because some bridge-troll slapped him around a little. Oh, Steve, you worthless piece of shit. ANYhow, Steve and Brandon come into the House Of Walsh kitchen, where Cindy, Brenda and Kelly, with her GORGEOUS hair, are preparing dinner. And Kelly is actually a non-pustulating open vaginal sore for once in her life and says, “Look, it's Captain Hook,” when she sees Steve, but then Steve gets off an actually great comeback with, “Ha! Isn't that what we used to call you before you got your nose job?” HA! indeed. They’re both horrible people!



And then Brandon asks if Cindy has heard from Jim, and she informs them that Jim wasn’t in his office the entire afternoon, which I’m hoping means he Scott Scanlon’ed himself or perhaps nose-dived out of his office window once Henry Powell gave him his walking papers. And then Steve probably puts Cindy off food for life when he calls her “Mom,” and asks what they’re having for dinner. But Cindy somehow manages to remain standing after Steve’s comment, and tells them, “Fresh vegetable ratatouille from our garden.” And then Steve whips out The Never Ending Poor Little Rich Fuckhead card, AGAIN, and says, “You know, it's a major event if my mom even microwaves frozen peas,” and then Kelly jumps on the Children Of Negligent Beverly Hills Assholes bandwagon and adds, “Yeah. My mother says my dad oughta send child support here, you guys feed me so much.”



And then Jim comes home and kicks Steve and Kelly the fuck out because he has to talk to his family about not really moving them back to Minnesota but still causing this whole big, embarrassing, dramatic scene about it. 



Cut to the Walsh living room, where Brenda, wearing a Canadian tuxedo she probably borrowed from Brandon, Cindy, wearing a plastic table cover from Fazoli’s, and Brandon, wearing one of Cindy’s blouses and low-classy off-brand sneakers from Payless Shoe Source, all sit there as Jim tries to give them the 4-1-1. But since they all think Jim is some low-rent loser who lost his job and can’t provide for his family, everyone’s jumping to conclusions, with Brandon saying, “We’ll be okay, I’ll get two jobs,” like, if Jim did lose his job, you’d actually probably have to get nine jobs, since I doubt three, 4-hour shifts at The Peach Pit each week really amounts to much, bonehead. And speaking of jobs: why the fuck doesn’t Cindy have one? Again, Jim obviously doesn’t lose his job, so this is a moot point, but say that he had, why the hell wouldn’t Cindy be out there, hitting the pavement with her probably-paltry resume in hand? Like, does Walsh Manor require so much time and attention (such as shopping for herb hybrids) that she couldn’t possibly pitch in with even some kind of part-time job or something? You say none of this actually happened in real life? I see.



So anyway, Jim figures out that they all think he’s a deadbeat and tells them, “Wait a minute, wait a minute, I haven't been fired. I've been promoted. To Executive Vice President,” and Brandon is such a tool and tells him, “Way to get the job done, big guy!” and Cindy’s all, “I’m so proud,” but then Jim lays down the hammer: “There’s just one wrinkle...the job’s back in Minneapolis.” And then we ONCE AGAIN come upon Something That Precisely NO People Would Do In Reality as Brenda, Cindy and Brandon all ask, “Minneapolis?” in succession. Brenda: “Minneapolis?” Brandon: “Minneapolis?” Cindy: “Minneapolis?” And then Jim says, “Well, you know how we've all griped about it here [I...don’t really recall that.]. Minneapolis.”



And then everyone’s like, throwing a fit, and Cindy’s all, “Honey, we were just starting to get used to it here.” But Jim tells them, “Well, I know, but opportunities like this don't come knocking everyday.” And then Brenda’s there to remind him, “Just because someone knocks doesn't mean you have to open the door; I mean, you drilled that into me ten years ago when you read me Snow White,” and I never want to hear the word “drilled” in relation to one Jim “Jay Sherman” Walsh ever ever ever again. And then Brandon thinks he’s got his finger on the pulse of corporate America or some shit, because he ass-kissily says, “Brenda, in business it's move up or move out,” like, thanks for that, Warren Buffet. Now please - go eat a plate full of steaming hot shit. ANYway, Cindy asks, “So, when are we moving up and out?” and Jim, not really giving two anythings about what his family thinks says, “Immediately. They need to know now. I know, look, I've decided that we are going to make this decision together, as a family. The smart way. The democratic way. Blind ballots,” which I somehow doubt he’ll abide by, but whatever.



So then it’s time for the dorky “blind ballot,” and to sum it all up, without having to put myself through the entire non-tense, non-nail-biter of a scene, the results are one vote to go (Jim) and three votes to stay. IN YOUR FACE JAY SHERMAN. And Jim kind of acts like a dick about Cindy’s vote, and she’s all, “Let me explain,” all nervous, because he’s probably going to take her out to the detached garage and horse whip her later or something. But Jim cuts her off with a terse, “That's alright. The Walsh family has spoken. I'll pass the word along,” and goes to give Henry Powell a call as Cindy follows him in order to soothe his wounded ego or whatever. 



The twins stay behind in the living room to discuss the situation and Brenda’s all, “That was surreal,” and Brandon changes his brown-nosing tune now that Jim’s out of the room and tells her, “Yeah. I feel bad for Dad, but can you imagine moving back to Minneapolis now?” and Brenda says, “It would be like reverse culture shock. It was great of him to let us decide,” and I wouldn’t be singing his praises on that count just yet, Bren.



Cut to Jim and Cindy’s bedroom, where Cindy’s begging not to be punished by Jim’s fists later, all, “Talk to me!” and Jim is a Master Manipulator because he tells her, “I can't believe you of all people voted to stay in Beverly Hills. I figured it would be two and two at the least, Brandon would cross over under pressure and be the tie-breaker,” and “cross over under pressure”? What, is Jim in the mob now? And Cindy reasonably informs him, “Well, I just didn't think it was fair for the kids,” which I think is a valid point, and then Jim dials the number asks to speak with Mr. Powell and tells Cindy, “Yeah, I know. But if I blow my career it won't be fair for them, either,” and couldn’t Jim just keep his current job? I mean, I somehow doubt the deal is “Executive Vice President or You’re Fired.” And, oh! Wait! At the end of this asinine adventure into futility, KEEPING HIS SAME OLD, SAME OLD JOB IS EXACTLY WHAT LAME JIM DOES. SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER. GOD. So anyway, Mr. Powell gets on the line and Jim’s all, “Mr. Powell, alright, Henry. Yes, I did, and the consensus is I'm gonna have to turn down your generous offer...are you serious?” and then, “Yes, sir,” and then he hangs up. 



So the kids join their parents upstairs, and then Cindy gets a little salty with, “What happened? That SOB fire you?” and Jim’s all Smug Jim and tells them, “That SOB just doubled my salary,” which AS. IF. Like I’m so sure Jim FUCKING Walsh is the next coming of J.P. Morgan. And then he dickishly adds, “I'm sorry, but the blind vote's been called on a count of a windfall!” like, nice parenting there, asswipe. And Brenda doesn’t catch on too quick and asks, “What do you mean?” and Jim suckily tells her, “I mean we’re going back to Minnesota,” and it’s all very non-dramatic and non-true.



We cut to the Kitchen Of Walsh, where Brandon’s asking Brenda how many scoops of ice cream she’d like, and I’m asking where the Extra Strength Red Bull is kept, since this episode is putting me the fuck to sleep. And Brenda says, “I'm like, so unable to compute even going back. I mean, there's times I would've wanted to,” and Brandon’s all, “I never wanted to come here,” because he knows he’s a weeny in the first degree and was probably afraid of being taken out by Surf Toughs in his first week. Which, hey! actually almost happened, but since Our Dylan was there to save the day it didn’t. And then Brenda’s all, “I did. I thought it would be so glamorous until I got here,” and join the club, sister. But somehow, passing a man jacking-off on the sidewalk on your way to dinner really isn’t as enchanting as you’d think. Ah, Hollywood. So then Brandon admits, “Now it's just starting to feel right. I mean, Nat just gave me a raise, I'd have my new car by the end of the summer,” and nice to know that Brandon will thank Nat for said raise by quitting his job with NO NOTICE AT ALL in the next episode. And then Brenda says that she has the best boyfriend in the world, and that she was also going to try out for some Romeo and Juliet summer production. And then she’s all, “How can Dad do this?” and I remind her, “Brenda, your father is terrible,” but Brandon undermines me by interjecting, “Gotta see his side of it, Bren. He's gonna be a major player,” and if Brandon doesn’t stop with all of his ridiculous Boiler Room-esque drivel, I just don’t know what.



And then Brenda’s all, “Yeah, but it's gonna look so bizarre, like we couldn't make it here so we ran back to Minneapolis. I mean people are gonna say, oh, those Walshes, they couldn't cut it in Beverly Hills,” and then Spineless Cindy comes up and tells the kids, “I know it's a big change but everything's gonna be just fine,” and then informs them that Jim starts the new job immediately (GOOD RIDDANCE...AND TAKE BRANDON WITH YOU. AND STEVE. AND KELLY AND DONNA. AND DAVID.) and that the company’s lease on the house ends on June 1, so that will be their official moving date. And then because she’s got to tow Jim’s company line, she adds, “It’s gonna be great,” like the preprogrammed Stepford Wife her husband truly wants her to be.



So Cindy leaves and these dweebs sit uncomfortably close at the kitchen table and make some dumbass pros and cons list for Minnesota and Beverly Hills, which, wouldn’t that only be helpful if they were choosing between those two places? I mean, the decision has already been made, so get your probably-hideous wooly parkas and moon boots out of storage and fucking deal with it. So instead of actually typing out this imbecilic scene, I’ll just tell you that their pros list for leaving is being able to see the leaves change color, the first snow fight of the year, ice hockey, water skiing and old friends. Their cons of leaving include slush, wet socks, frozen noses, the beach, the sun, surfing and new friends, who Brenda describes as, “Soon-to-be ex-friends.”



GOD. We cut to the supposed “soon-to-be ex-friends” along with Brenda and Brandon the next whatever at school. And AHHHHHHHHHndrea’s probably all despondent and on the brink of cutting into her femoral artery because Brandon will be leaving and she says, “Maybe, uh, we'll meet up in college,” and Brandon’s all, “Sure, we can move back out here, relocate three times. Anyway, AHHHHHHNdrea, you're gonna be off at some Ivy League school back east,” which...whatever. AHHHHHHHNdrea never comes across as very smart to me. She just comes across like she’s got a tree trunk lodged up her anus. Also: I think that whatever Donna is wearing is probably cute. Probably.



And then Kelly is actually generous for once in her goddamn life and tells Brenda, “Why don't you stay with me through the summer. My mom loves you,” and Brenda’s all, “Kelly, that would be super!” And Dylan, all FUCKING Steve SAUNder Special’ed AGAIN agrees, “Yes, it would.”



And then AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Steve asks Brandon, “Hey. Bran. Why don't you stash yourself at my place?” but Brandon denies him all, “Thanks, but I feel kinda obligated to go with my family,” thereby making Brenda look like some gigantic cooze for wanting to stay with Kelly. Shut up, Brandon. And then Steve gets all sad-sacky and says something no human life form would ever say: “Here today, gone to Minnesota,” like what HACK writer sat around for hours thinking of that inanity? Also: WHO AM I CALLING “HACK” MY GOD.



Over to The Peach Pit, where Brandon’s telling Worthless Nat, “I'm sorry about leaving you in the lurch,” but he fails to add, “but not so sorry that I totally won’t do it again in the next episode.” And then Nat is worthlessly slathering mayonnaise on some bread and tells Brandon, “Ah, that's not what's bugging me. I got along without you before, I'll get along without you now, it's…” and Brandon interrupts and says, “Well that makes me feel needed,” and then Nat makes the situation SUPER-awkward by saying, “It's just I got used to having you around.” And to all you Worthless Nat Fans: contrary to EVERY OTHER EPISODE THIS SEASON, this will NOT be the last we see of Nat! He’ll be back at the end of the episode to give us another three worthless lines. Stay tuned!



SPEW. So then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea comes in, and I wonder if the wardrobe people thought that by dressing Gabrielle Cateris in ruffled blouses from the girls’ section of Kmart, it would make her more believable as a teenager. Note to these people: YOU FAILED. MISERABLY. So Brandon’s all, “AHHHHHNdrea, hey. What can I do ya for?” and she tells him that she’s been thinking, “We've had some pretty good times together,” and just, what a fucking loser. Have some pride, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea. Have some shame. Although, I guess you have neither of those things because look at what you wear and look at your hair ALL of the time. So because Brandon is afraid to piss AHHHHHHHNdrea off, fearing a chainsaw attack in retaliation, he tells her, “We certainly have. We're pals,” and then she has to be all formal and shit about things, instead of just being like, “Hey, do you want to hang out this weekend?” and she tells him, “I have a proposal for you,” and Brandon knows AHHHHHHHNdrea pretty damn well because he asks, “What is it, a goodbye editorial?” which probably isn’t too far from the truth, like, “Write up a piece about being the new kid who leaves after a year and what that feels like, and add in some stuff about being madly in love with your editor-in-chief.” So she tells him that she wants to take him out for a goodbye dinner, just him and her, and they agree it’s on the following night. As a sidebar: does anyone know if it’s safe to heat, melt and shoot up coffee grounds? 



We then cut back to House Of Walsh, and Brenda has the exact same face I have on after having had to sit through the previous scene, and she’s all, “AHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman asked you on a date?” and why do these people insist on using their friends’ ENTIRE NAMES? It’s bizarre, and AGAIN, absolutely ZERO people would do this. And then Brandon is revolted by the idea of a date with AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, so he tells her, “It's not a date, it's a farewell dinner. Like a business thing,” like, keep telling yourself that, Brandon. She’s probably planning on tying you by your limbs to a bed and forcing you to write articles for The Blaze while repeatedly telling you, “I’m your number one fan,” and then busting your ankles up with a sledgehammer. 



So then Jim is leaving (AGAIN, GOOD RIDDANCE) for Minnesota, and basically tells Brenda she can’t stay with Kelly, and Brandon actually manages to have his sister’s back for once in his goddamn life and says, “Hey, you guys remember Bart Jensen, he stayed with his friends in Minneapolis when his family moved to Chicago, it was no big deal,” which Jim completely ignores because he hates his daughter, and then he’s completely rando and tells Brandon, “Well, bet Bart's dad never offered him a car...the company's sweetening the deal with a new car. So my car goes to you,” and thank god Cindy’s there to remind Jim that he has two children with, “And Brenda.” And Brandon goes back to being a papule on the taint of humanity and says, “If she ever gets her license,” and then Jim’s LIMO arrives to take him to the airport and PUH. LEASE. AS IF X EVERYTHING. And Jim becomes Smug Jim once more and tells them, “Your old man's in the big time now,” which AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and WHATEVER.



HURL. We cut to West Bev, and it looks like these two are holding hands, and Brandon says, “Hey, Steve! How's the eye, man?” and Steve is just a complete douche and responds with, “It's not your problem, dude.” And then Brandon asks where he’s going, and Steve replies, “I'm going to class, Brandon, if that's alright with you,” and WHO CARES. Steve is just THE WORST, and he’s wearing a LAVENDER probably-Z Cavaricci shirt with pants that give him that freshly diapered look. I mean, no big loss here, right? Right. 



There. That’s better. We head over to another part of campus, with Dylan telling Brenda, “The thought of you leaving really wiped me out. I realized how much I'd miss you,” and that is deep, man. DEEP. And then he’s all, “There's so much that we haven't done,” and Brenda says all flirtily, “I thought we've done everything,” meaning anal? I guess? And Dylan’s all, “I didn't mean that. I mean like, well, I haven't even taken you to my favorite surf shop. Or to check out my favorite band,” because apparently their relationship is All About Dylan And What He Wants To Do. But Brenda takes it in stride and tells him, “Going to a surf shop together is pretty serious stuff. You sure you wanna take that major step?” and Dylan says, “I think so,” and then they kiss and they’re all sexy and schmoopy and SHUT UP I LOVE THEM. And even though Dylan’s rocking the mother-fucking Steve SAUNders Special, I really like that shirt. And his shoes. And him. But I’m totally going to travel back in time and remove the top button from each and every one of his shirts. THIS ISN’T FUCKING REALITY, YOU MENTAL DEFECTIVE, you say? Never mind.



And then Kelly and Donna walk up to join the lovebirds on the lawn, and I’m only including this shot because LOOK at Donna’s shorts-overalls. I owned at least three similar pair, and wore them incessantly in the 6th grade...ALWAYS with one strap undone. I think I may have even worn them backwards one time. Because I was apparently the female Kriss Kross of pre-teen Littleton, Colorado.  



So Kelly sits down with a, “Sorry to interrupt,” and no you’re not, you conniving twat. And then she lays it down Real Talk StyleZ for Brenda: “I'm really sorry, but my mom says you can't stay with us,” and Brenda says she doesn’t understand...which, really? I mean, I guess when you’re a teenager this might’ve seemed like a viable option. Kelly explains to her, “My mom says she's still re-adjusting to sober life; her AA sponsor thinks that having a houseguest would be too much pressure. I feel really badly about this,” which she probably doesn’t, since I guess had Brenda actually left, Kelly would’ve sucked Dylan into her vaginal lair a year earlier. So then she asks if her and Brenda are still friends, and it’s really too bad Brenda didn’t punch Kelly in the uterus, but instead says, “For sure.”



And then HERE’S THE DRAMZZZZZZZZ AND HEARTACHE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. And Dylan’s all, “Damn,” and they link fingers and look lawwwwwwngingly into each other’s eyes. 



So then were back to the H.O.W. after school, and Brenda and Cindy are prepping a fruit bowl to last them through next winter, and Cindy’s all, “Well, I'm sorry, honey, but Kelly's mom does have a point,” and Brenda tells her that her and Dylan have been getting along great lately, that, “it's like we're past that point of pretending to not get along.” So Cindy tells her, “Have a little faith in your relationship,” which I think is a pretty idiotic thing to tell a SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD about her FIRST BOYFRIEND, and Brenda’s probably the more realistic of the two as she says, “Mom, I can't ask a guy like him to wait for me. All the girls at Beverly and West Beverly want him, I'd be worried all the time,” and knowing what he’ll eventually do to Brenda the following summer? I would be, too. Oh, and then weasel Brandon comes in and makes a joke about the amount of food they’re making, and Brenda says she invited Kelly over for dinner, but Kelly blew her off to go to some bikini blow-out with Donna: “You know that they're already starting to make plans for the summer without me?” and Cindy reminds her that their lives go on, too, and then Brandon says, “Yeah, I'm beginning to think we've overstayed our welcome. Steve's been dissing me, too,” and he must’ve stayed up late the night before watching reruns of 21 Jump Street or something, what with his new, “hip” lingo and all. And then Cindy says, “Maybe you're just being too sensitive,” HA! and then Brandon has to leave, and Cindy asks where he’s going, and he PREPOSTEROUSLY says, “To give up a friend,” and OH, BROTHER.



And then we’re on Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea’s Non-Date at the Santa Monica pier, which I’ve never been to, but now’s probably the time to visit because it’s almost winter and not as many people will be there and I won’t feel the burning desire to pitch myself into the drink after having to navigate crowds of (most likely) garbage bag people, i.e. most people in general. But enough about me and my Issues. So Brandon’s all, “Coming down to the pier was a great idea,” and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea says, “Well, I couldn't let you leave without seeing my favorite place in all of LA,” which, WHATEVER. AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea’s favorite place in LA is probably the Van Nuys Branch Library, where she can curl up with a good book about photosynthesis and a Nalgene bottle full of luke warm prune juice. And Brandon tells her, “I really didn't live here long enough to have a favorite place,” which I call bullshit on, since I had a favorite place in LA within a month of living here. Do you want to know what it is? DO YOU? Because I know that’s why all three of you come here: to listen to my annoying ass talk about HEY EVERYBODY I LIVE IN LA HADN’T YOU HEARD??? ANYHOW. My favorite place in LA is the Griffith Observatory. It is GORGEOUS:



The views. THE VIEWS I MEAN MY GOD. And, SIIIIIIIIIIGH, it’s also unfortunately the site of this piece of shit nonsense:



Dylan and Kelly’s inaugural FUCKING date from the “Rebel With A Cause” episode in Season 3. Although, when my boyfriend and I visited the observatory for the first time, the very first thing I did was locate this spot and sit there like a dirty tramp WHORE-dog, i.e. like Kelly. Anyhow...



...AHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA’S PANTS. AS MY FRIEND BENJAMIN WOULD SAY, SWEET ZEUS. Like, FOR WHHHHHHHHY does her underboob need to be belted? ANYTHATISSICKENING, these knobs approach this fortune-teller-whatever thing, and AHHHHHHHHNdrea’s all, “Hey, you wanna make a wish?” and Brandon says, “Sure. I feel like I’ve done this before.” And AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, Know-It-All Supreme, says that he probably remembers it from the movie Big, and Brandon tells her that she’s probably right, and, “You know, you usually are right and it doesn’t even really bother me that much anymore,” and seriously? Because it still bugs the EVERYTHING out of me.



In this shot we see that AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has affixed a crumpled-up piece of acid-washed construction paper to her head. And she’s clearly 47-years-old. Anyway, she tells Brandon that he’s going to miss her know-it-all-isms, BARF, and asks, “You wish you could stay, don’t you?” but what she really wanted to ask was, “You wish you could stay FOR MEEEEEE, DON’T YOU????? YOU LOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEE, DON’T YOU????? WHY WON’T YOU LOVE MEEEEEE???” And Brandon’s all, “Yeah. I do. But my dad really needs this opportunity.” 



And OH NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Pardon me while gather up ALL the barbiturates and stuff them in my facehole so that I can overdose and buy the farm before what is about to happen, happens. FUCK. I need an oxygen tank and a respirator for as many deep breaths that it’s going to take to get through this fresh hell. Here we go: AHHHHHHHNdrea, now with 17,000% more repulsion, tells Brandon, “Well, um...I’ve got a surprise for you.” And Brandon asks what it is, and she tells him, “Mmm mmm. First we gotta get in the saddle.” Forgive me while I wet heave over the thought of AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea playing Bucking Bronco with Brandon, a la Bob and Trudie Barnett From The Houston Office.



Cut to: the carousel, which Brandon says makes him feel like he’s 5-years-old. And AHHHHHHHNdrea says, “It’s one of LA’s hidden treasures,” which, given the fact that it’s located on the SANTA MONICA PIER, I really wouldn’t classify it as “hidden.” WHATEVER. And then Brandon makes the grave mistake of asking, “So what’s the big surprise, huh?” And AHHHHHHHHNdrea’s all, “Oh, god, this is making me so nervous,” and Carly says, “Oh, god, this is making me so liable to take my own life.” And then AHHHHHHHHHNdrea won’t stop beating around the bush, namely hers, and says, “Well, I've got a going away present for you,” and Brandon asks, “What is it?” and she’s A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT TO MANKIND and says, “Well...uh, ta-da!” sort of presenting herself to Brandon, HEAVE, but of course he doesn’t get it, because even though this horsey merry-go-round propositioning of Brandon has been super-erotic, it hasn’t been very forthcoming. So he asks, “What? The carousel, the horse, what?” And then she grossly informs him, “No. I'm giving you the person on my horse. If you'll take her...look, Brandon, we may never see each other again and I want goodbye to be a moment we both remember.” In conclusion: AHHHHHHHHNdrea wants to take it to the Bone Zone with Brando, and I will never, ever be the same after having to write about this vomitous little scene that ALL the nightmares are made of.



So then it’s the next whatever, and the twins are hitting the beach, before school? to discuss AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea’s solicitation of Brandon’s dong. And Brenda’s all, “So what did you tell her?” and I. JUST. CANNOT. Who talks about this shit with their sibling? I would have sooner gouged out my own tongue with a melon baller than discuss my (completely non-existent) sex life with my brother. And then Brandon must have the willpower of a monk, because he says, “I told her I’d have to think about it,” and WHATEVER. Like ANY 16-year-old dude would turn down an offer of a no-strings boot-knocking. Even with someone as drab as AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea. And Brenda is surprised all, “Think about it? Brandon, she's not offering you an assignment...how do you feel? Do you want to sleep with her?” and GACK, I now need to go wash my EVERYTHING out with gasoline and a lit match.



So Brandon’s all, “I don't know, I mean I've never really thought about it. Well, I've thought about it, but I ruled it out because of our friendship, you know. Actually, I think she's pretty,” and Brenda agrees, and tells him, “Actually, I think you guys would make a great couple,” and if by “great” she means “horrifyingly sanctimonious and impossible to be around,” then I wholeheartedly agree with her. But as he tells her, “Well, that's just it. We wouldn't be a couple. It's like we can do anything and it doesn't matter, 'cause we're leaving anyway,” and yes. You can stick it in AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and it won’t matter. Except that you’ll have to cope with the fact that you STUCK IT IN AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea’s Zuckerman FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. So Brenda asks, “And if you two are great together and then you have to go?” and Brandon says he’ll have a nice memory. And then Brenda gets a little hysterical and says, “What good are memories gonna do us when we're in Minnesota in December in eight feet of snow?” and Brandon is, PER USUAL, completely inappropriate and too close for comfort and slings an arm around her and creepily says, “Keep you warm at night,” and all of this is very Flowers In The Attic and is chock full of A World Of Fuck No. And then Brandon sees…



Dylan! Who actually doesn’t look completely scrawn right here. And Brandon channels Tony Manero for the umpteenth time this season and calls out, “Yo! Dylan!” And then Dylan hops back on his surfboard and paddles out to International Waters, just to get away from Brandon. Only not really. 



And then Brenda’s bangs look pretty good, and she’s all, “Oh, god. Bury me,” and then Brandon asks her what’s the matter, and she makes a HUGE mistake by telling him, “I just don't know how to deal with Dylan, I mean, things have gotten so complicated since we started sleeping together.” And then OF COURSE Brandon turns into a total shit bag OF COURSE and gets all up in Brenda’s grill OF COURSE, “You're sleeping with Dylan? Oh, this is great. I come down here to open up to you about AHHHHNdrea, and you're keeping me in the dark about sleeping with Dylan?” AND WHHHHHYYYYYYYY??? I would never, EVER in a MILLION X GOJILLION YEARS discuss this type of thing with my brother. EVAH. And then she actually thinks she has to answer to this piece of dung and tells him, “It’s only been going on for three weeks.” And then I guess he doesn’t want his sister to catch a venereal disease from Dylan, after all of the HUNDREDS of OLDER women he’s diddled DON’T YA KNOW and tells her, “I just hope you’re being careful,” which she replies to with, “I’m trying,” whatever that means.



HEAVEN ABOVE. We’re back to this: Smug Jim being all smug at his old office in Minneapolis, and everyone’s greeting him and like, licking his balls over the fact that he’s back. Just what his engorged peanut head needs. And this gal is his secretary Ruth, and she’s giving him the lowdown: “I have all the papers on your desk and your coffee cup is your old coffee cup is on your desk,” and THIS IS DULLSVILLE. NO ONE INCLUDING PARASITES WHO CAN BE FOUND BURROWING THEIR WAY INTO A HUGE PILE OF CAT FECES CARES. 



So Jim gets to his office, and this douche, named Steve (go figure) comes in and adds to the running list of We Live In A Society A No One Talks Like This: “Who says you can't go home again?” but then he’s kind of awesome and is all, “Congratulations. Not that you deserve this, you lucky son of a gun.” And then I start plucking eyelashes out of my lids and eating them, just to have something to do while this moronic scene goes on. Basically, Jim complains about being relocated twice in a year with, “It's a scientific fact: a person’s cold weather blood gets thinned out after you miss a winter,” and I would imagine that to be true, although I haven’t been back to Colorado recently, where it’s currently a balmy 10°, to test that theory. I refuse to trust Jim on anything though, so I don’t buy it. And then Ruth comes back in and avalanches Jim with work, all, “It's Mr. Fletcher at 9; Sunderson at 9:15; conference call with the bank is now at 9:30; the staff reports are at 10, but they will not conflict with the executive board meeting at 4:30. Okay, and the envelopes that are tagged purple need your immediate attention, oh, and here are this morning's phone messages,” and Jim is incapable of multitasking and asks, “These are all from this morning?” and Back-To-Being-A-Douche Steve adds, “You're a popular guy.” HORK.



Back to this: Dylan comes up and says, “I must be hallucinating. Brandon Walsh back at the beach?” and Brandon proceeds to call Dylan “Slick” and tells him, “Don’t get your hopes up...I just came down here to talk to Brenda. We took the scenic route on the way to school,” and SERIOUSLY? IT’S AT LEAST NOON IN THESE SHOTS. Whatever. 



So then Dylan, looking 49 here, tells Brandon to get lost, or die, or go drown himself in the ocean or something, and takes Brenda aside and says, “Listen, I've been thinking,” but before he can tell her what he’s been thinking about, Brenda’s all, “So have I. Look, long-distance relationships scare me. I saw what it did to Brandon and his girlfriend from Minnesota,” and then Dylan states the obvious with, “Brenda, that was different. Sheryl had problems,” like yeah, the problem being that she was a pig-dog. And then he says, “Absence can make the heart grow fonder.” And then I really wish Brenda had said this to him before jetting off to Paris: “And what does it do for a roaming eye?” which Dylan completely sidesteps with, “You know what I was just thinking? How much I love you” And Brenda’s all, “You know, I was gonna maybe be in Romeo & Juliet and now I'm sorta living it.” Which...not at all. And then Dylan makes me want to run a lawnmower over my midsection by saying, “Parting is such sweet sorrow, huh?” NO MORE OF THAT, and then tells her, “We could always run away.”



And then These Hot Sluts make out - HOTLY, of course - and then…



This Not-Hot Loser is a loser and stands all by his lonesome in his Huck Finn jeans, throwing rocks into the water. And is seriously considering Scott Scanloning himself, since his meager sex life in no way compares to his sister’s, and his only prospect is one AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea “Early Bird Special” Zuckerman.



So later on in the day, Brandon has hopefully unrolled his girly-man jeans, and approaches AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea with a, “Hi...listen, I was thinking about, you know, your present,” and can we please stop referring to someone’s virginity as a goddamn present? Because that is VILE on multiple levels. And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea’s all, “Yeah, me too. Maybe I was being a little impulsive.”



And then Brandon says, “Oh, okay,” all Sad Clown and walks away. But then! He turns around and comes back all quickly and gets right up in her face and tells her, “I want you to be impulsive,” and AHHHHHHHHNdrea’s all, “You do?” and Brandon tells her, “Yeah, that's what I came here to tell you, I accept your gift [STOP]. With pleasure,” and then!...



THIS. And I know everyone probably expects me to start violently upchucking everything that I’ve eaten for the past week, but I’ve got a filthy secret for you: SATAN BELOW, I actually sort of kind of thought this was a sweet moment between these two. Yes, I know it’s not going to amount to anything; yes, I generally abhor the very mention of both AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brandon’s names. But something about this brief interaction between them was very vulnerable and cute. Brandon wasn’t being his usual braying scrotum sack, and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea set aside her Windbag Intellectual Smarty-Pants routine for a nano-second. In conclusion: four for you, BrAHHHHHHHHHNdrea. FOUR FOR YOU. And now I can go back to hating you both.



Especially after they finish with their smooch, and Brandon’s all, “Okay, good, we got that out of the way, good,” and AHHHHHHHHNdrea is a LIFE RUINER and says, “Now we can digest our food…like Woody Allen said in the movie Annie Hall?” *COUGH*COLOSSALGEEK*COUGH*. And Brandon, instead of turning on his heel and fifty-yard-dashing it down the hall, says, “I didn't know you were such a movie buff,” and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea thinks she’s all teasingly sexy and says all coyly, “There's a lot you don't know about me,” like, no, I think your insipidness is pretty transparent, you buzzkill. So then they decide that they’ll Do The It that night. Where? No clue. Brandon just says, “Why don't you meet me at work and we'll just go from there?” Because this sounds like a well thought-out plan.



Oh, and just as a sidebar: the poster behind them this entire time reads “GO FOR IT.” Real subtle, set designers.



So then we cut over to Dork #1…



...and Dork #2, and Cindy’s regaling Jim with all of the food she bought that day, like, is anyone else beginning to think Cindy’s some kind of food fetishist? Because I do. And then Put Upon Jim tells her he was supposed to meet their supposed Minnesota best friends, Mitch and Paula for dinner, but workworkwork, blahblahblah, he couldn’t make it. And Cindy thinks this means that he won’t have time for his family once they’re all back in Minnesota. WHO CARES. THIS IS DUMB. IN SO MANY, MANY WAYS. And then Jim asks about the kids and how they’re handling the upcoming non-move, and Cindy tells him, “You tell me. Brenda walks around quoting from Romeo & Juliet, and Brandon changed three times before going to work,” like, doesn’t he just wear some goddamn white shirt for work? The hell? Maybe some of them are all yellowed from Brandon’s disgusting pits, so he tried to wear the whitest one he owns, which is still probably a dingy shade of sun-baked dog piss.



Back to The Peach Pit we go, where AHHHHHHHHHNdrea comes in to pop Brandon’s balloon (and by “balloon” I of course mean, “Woodrow”) with, “Listen, I forgot tonight is my mom’s sister’s birthday,” meaning Brandon doesn’t get to drive it to the hoop that particular evening. But, HEY! Here’s an idea! Just go to the House Of Walsh and pork on Brandon’s bed. Maybe even with the door wide open this time. It’s not like his parents care in the slightest. ANYway, Brandon asks about the following night and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea is the only 16-year-old in history to carry around a FILOFAX with her. Maybe it’s because she’s actually 47. So she looks at her calendar, that she keeps IN HER FILOFAX, and says all disappointed, “Let me see. I have that inner-school editorial conference,” and Brandon joins me in sarcastically saying, “Sounds hot.” And then he asks about Sunday, and she’s free! but her father has a poker game at her house and WHO CARES LET’S CUT TO THE CHASE…



...which is this: Brandon showing AHHHHHHHHNdrea the key to The Peach Pit and calling it, “the key to our happiness,” meaning they’re going to missionary-style it all over Nat’s place of business and a RESTAURANT where people fucking eat. Because that’s sanitary. And then AHHHHHHHHHNdrea makes it INFINITY worse by saying, “Oh, my god. It's like the movie, The Postman Always Rings Twice. They do it on the counter,” and HOW HEINOUS and I hope someone calls the Sanitation Department STAT and then lights a flame-thrower and burns The Peach Pit to the ground. Because that’s the only way I’d ever eat there again.



So then AHHHHHHHNdrea leaves with a “Sweet dreams,” because she’s such a naughty minx, and then Stupid Steve comes in, and Brandon greets him with a, “Steve-O!” And Steve is momentarily AWESOME and says, “Still here? Thought we got rid of you already,” although he should also say it to himself while looking in a mirror. And then these two get into a little bitch fight, with Brandon responding, “Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too, buddy,” and Steve saying, “It's okay, I think the girls in Minnesota will wait for anybody. Even you,” and then Brandon figuratively yanking on Steve’s weave with, “Just like Kelly will wait for you?” And then as we saw in the last episode, Steve’s needs mood stabilizers, because he gets SUPER-defensive, all, “What's that supposed to mean?” and Brandon tells him it was a joke, and Steve says that it wasn’t funny and then he tells Brandon, “You're my problem, alright? You've been getting in my face too much. I'm beginning to hate this dump,” and then he does The Steve SAUNter right the fuck out of there.



Oh, and then Nat comes up and worthlessly asks Brandon, “What's the matter with him?” and Brandon doesn’t respond with a, “Where do I begin? Pull up a chair if you’ve got three weeks” but rather, just looks after Steve with his Non-Patented Incredulous Brandon Face on.



WOWZA. Over to Dylan’s...whatever? Apartment, maybe? I always got confused in the first couple of seasons about where the hell he lived. Undoubtedly alone. Anyway, he and Brenda are all post-coitus, and he’s sweet-talking her with, “Brenda, we are so good together,” and yes, I would agree. But too bad you’ll DESTROY that in a year or whatever, so why does it even matter. Also: does anyone notice how much the Brenda/Dylan break-up profoundly affected me? BECAUSE IF YOU HADN’T CAUGHT ON, IT DID.



YIKES. Brenda’s Cry Face. Not a good look. Although I think Shannen Doherty is an excellent crier; she’s just not a Pretty Crier like Jennie Garth. Shannen Doherty looks like I look when I cry: hell. Sometimes you just have to feel it, and then catch yourself in a reflective surface and ugly-cry even more because you look so grotesque. MOVING ALONG. Brenda tells Dylan (who looks so cute with his bedhead), “What we have to do is talk. And what we have to do is break up. That's what I came over here to tell you,” NOOOOOOOOOO and Dylan’s all, “So, all this was just a lead-in?” meaning the Doing Of The It and Brenda tells him that she wanted to be with him one last time, and he thought they had agreed at the beach that they wouldn’t part ways, but Brenda explains that she thought about it more and that “I just have to do this now.” And then Dylan breaks my heart by saying, “Don’t do this.” I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, DYLAN. MEEEEEE! Only not really.



Cut to the next whatever, and Brenda’s in her bedroom wearing her adorable jammies, on the phone with Kelly and telling her, “Dylan and I have only been broken up for 36 hours and I already miss him so much,” and she really doesn’t seem too broken up about it to me, like, I’d probably be listening to R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion” on repeat and chopping up pictures of me and Dylan and my skank-dog, former best friend who stole him away. Oh, I’m sorry. Wrong break up. 



And then Scheming Kelly is probably schemingly planning her takeover of Dylan, and says, “Fundamental break-up survival tactic #1: keep busy,” and if I were Brenda, I would absolutely listen to Kelly on this subject, seeing as Kelly breaks up with some new dude once every twelve hours. And then Brenda asks Kelly over to keep her company while she packs, but Kelly sucks per usual and assholishly says, “Mmm, sounds kinda depressing. I'm kinda outta commission today.”



So Brenda hangs up with Kelly, and then Brandon comes in the room with his really-good sideburns, like these things sprouted up out of nowhere. And he calls Brenda, “Champ,” WHAT THE FUCK and then says, “You still upset? Yeah, me too. Steve - I've never seen even him act like this much of a jerk,” and really? Because I have. Every single episode. And then Brenda asks him, “Remember before we moved here, Marjorie and Sarah froze me out?” and maybe Marjorie froze her out because Brenda kissed that Jim Townsend dude. And Brandon says he recalls, and Brenda tells him, “Well, I realize now that they were mad at me for leaving them, I mean, maybe  that's what's going on with Steve.” And Brandon’s all, “Yeah, maybe. I’m gonna find out.” WHHHHHHYYYYYYYY? Steve is GOD AWFUL in EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY. What is up with Brandon attempting to salvage a relationship with someone who is a walking, talking loose, runny bit of dung?



To the beach, where Brandon has brought Steve and his odd t-shirt with laughably long sleeves. And Steve’s all STILL a bitter crybaby and says, “Alright, you kidnapped me. Dragged me out here. Ruined my Sunday. What is it?” And then Brandon has far, far more patience than I ever would and tells him, “We gotta talk this out, Steve. I know why you're acting like this.” So Steve gets all sorts of shitty for the 795th time this season and says, “No ya don't! Grab a clue, Walsh!” and Brandon tells him that he’s mad about leaving as well, and then Steve’s all, “No, no, it's easy for you, you make friends in your sleep. I should've known better than to trust anyone to make a fool of myself,” and Steve must trust EVERYONE EVER since he makes a fool of himself, at minimum, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So Brandon asks what he means and Steve says, “I even told you why I got into a fight with that midget. I even let you break it up,” and Steve, sweetie? Had Brandon not broken up your fight, you would’ve been beaten to death. You weren’t exactly holding your own against that “midget,” mm‘kay? So because this is scene is like a slow, painful death, I’ll hurriedly sum it by telling you Brandon brought Steve the beach to let him know about the time he made a fool of himself there…



...NICE FLIPPERS…



...and then he gets all bromantic and tells him, “I figured who better to share my last wipe-out with than you.” And Steve is touched and says, “Gonna miss you, man,” and then they make out. Only not really. But it would’ve made this entire scene waaaaaaaaaaay more interesting and watchable if they had. 



We’re back at H.O.W. and Brenda and Cindy are wearing their clothes from “Stand (Up) And Deliver” like thanks for THAT memory which has caused my soul to try and escape my body through my pee-hole. At least Brenda doesn’t have her shirt all Steve SAUNder’ed to fucking Jesus this time. So Brenda’s talking about never needing her bikini again, and Cindy’s attempting to console her and Brenda’s all, “I'm just so mad at Dad for all this. I mean it's so unfair that his job keeps on ruining our lives.” And then the phone rings and Brenda says, “If it's Dylan, I'm not here. No, I am. No, I'm not,” but unfortunately it’s not Dylan, it’s Jim calling from Minneapolis, telling Cindy he has to take a later flight back to LA that evening. Because he’s coming back for the move and I DON’T CARE. 



And then OH MY CHRIST we cut to this: ANOTHER Lame Fantasy Sequence. This one is brought to us by Brandon, and in it, he’s imagining that he’s arriving at The Pit for Fuck Fest ‘91 with AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea…



...who’s already there, dressed as some kind of Kelly Bundy/”sex kitten” concoction, and she’s all, “Over here,” and breathy and puke-inducing.



And then Brandon comes up and AHHHHHHHHNdrea’s kind of growling and moan-y and she THROWS HIS JACKET BACK OVER HIS SHOULDERS and asks, “What took you so long?” and then they kiss and I think I’ve decided to man-up and perform my own at-home-lobotomy with a wire drycleaning hanger rather than dealing with scheduling an appointment with the doctor and going through my insurance and that whole rigmarole. Wish me luck!



And then Dork Brandon wakes up from his nightmare. I hope that Baywatch truck in the background there comes by and runs Brandon over. And then comes through the t.v. and runs me over. Because I can’t get back the last two minutes of my life, nor can I unsee the previous scene. There’s not a powerful enough brain bleach in the universe for that.



And then Brandon calls out for Steve, and Steve comes up and puts his crotch right in Brandon’s face, and Steve is really the type of person who shouldn’t be out in the sun for more than a few minutes at a time, since his albino skin turns the color of broiled pig flesh when exposed to the gamma rays for too long. And then Brandon has to get to his grody tryst with AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve’s all, “Wait, wait. Who's it with, anyway?” and Brandon OF COURSE doesn’t want to admit to having sexual relations with The Zuck, so he tells him, “One confession per day is all you get, buddy.”



SPARE ME. So Jim gets home early, and no one cares. Except for Cindy, but she doesn’t count because she’s wearing GIANT shorts and some kind of absurd “moving day” hat or something.



Seriously, how is that hat helping ANYTHING? It’s not like it’s keeping her feathery bangs out of her face or something. Perhaps she’s wearing it as a fashion statement, the statement being her clothes are just appalling. ANYway, Worthless Nat calls and tells Cindy he’s got some sort of roast? at The Peach Pit that night, and needs extra help and can’t get a hold of Also Worthless Brandon (since Nat is obviously unaware that Brandon plans on sexually defecating all over his restaurant later that evening) so would Brenda be able to help out? And Brenda’s all, “Mom, I'm really not feeling very sociable,” but Cindy tells her that Nat needs her, so she caves and agrees to assist with the roast. GEE I WONDER IF THE ROAST WILL ACTUALLY BE A SURPRISE GOODBYE PARTY FOR THE WALSHES HOW CLEVER I NEVER SAW IT COMING.



GOD. Back at The Pit. So AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea really went all out in the wardrobe department for her deflowering. Those Mom Jeans are really bringing out the stump of her legs. So Brandon kind of looks her up and down, and was apparently expecting Dream AHHHHHHHHHNdrea all sexed up and what not, but instead got this dowdy schlump. I’m not quite certain why he’s surprised.



Oh, and they do this again before they head inside to Do The It. Just because I found it remotely endearing the first time doesn’t mean it’s okay to do it ever, ever again, you two.



Oh, but HEY! LOOK at what greets them inside! A sad little going away party, filled with 90% People We’ve Never Seen Before, Ever. Oh, and David is an Everything Ruiner and says, “Wait wait wait can we do it again, I wasn't set up,” and WHY DON’T YOU GO HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIEND WHO WILL BE DEAD SOON, YOU FUCKING GARGOYLE??? And also: nice of you to invite him to the goddamn party. GOON.



So then Brandon whisperly asks AHHHHHHHNdrea, “So, was this all a setup?” and she tells him, “No. I went to Kelly for advice on our being together, and she turned our rendezvous into this,” like, big shock there. And then I would imagine Brandon has to go to the bathroom to take care of the massive Woodrow he’s undoubtedly sporting at the moment. 



So then Brenda walks in, looking very chic in that blazer, and they all yell surprise again, and Kelly’s all, “This is what Donna and I have been really doing this week.” 



And then the Parents Walsh come in, and Cindy looks great! Seriously. And Brenda asks them, “You knew, didn't you?” and Cindy’s all, “Guilty as charged.” And because Jim’s never had any friends, since he’s a condescending bag of penises ALL OF THE TIME, he’s all amazed and says, “Well, your friends really did it up for you, huh?”



So then Kelly tells everyone, “Okay, for anybody who wants to get this goodbye on camera, David will be over there in the corner with his video camera,” indicating David and his Titanic-sized recording device. Oh, and his shirt which is a pile of fucking dried dog turds.



First up: Worthless Nat. Wearing something different for a fucking change, although I’m fairly certain that shirt underneath is his Peach Pit uniform, and he just found some ratty, holey sweater stuffed in the back of his closet to throw over his Mega Burger-grease-stained button up. So while all these total Randos stand around behind him, Nat says this: “Okay, the hamburgers are on, I can never resist hogging a camera. Brenda, Brandon, I love you. I'm gonna miss you. Who's gonna do all my dirty work now?” like, WHATEVER, NAT. Go worthlessly hold a coffee pot or something. 



Speaking of worthless: next up is Donna, saying, “Um, Brenda, I'd even let you share my clothes, if it meant that you'd stay.” Wow. How heartfelt.



Kelly’s up next, asking the camera, “Okay. Do I look okay? [NO. Slut.] Okay, Brenda, I just wanted to say how cool I think our friendship has been. [So cool that you’ll eviscerate it in a year’s time.] Your family was there for me when my mom was going through a bad time. And I've even become less of a bitch since I started hanging out with you,” and I would flat-out disagree with that last sentiment, but whatever. ARE WE FUCKING FINISHED HERE YET?



BAH. Unfortunately, we’re not. So Steve says, “Let's see, without Brandon, I'd probably be hanging out drinking beers with a fleet of airheads, getting the crap beat out of me. [Which, if I’m not mistaken, THAT ALREADY HAPPENED.] Thanks, Brandon, for making me the great guy I am,” and that is just patently FALSE and I’m really sick and tired of all of this lie-telling going on. Also: LOOK! at Steve’s Steve SAUNders Special. And so it (truly) begins.



SWEET JESUS. We next have AHHHHHHHHNdrea with David (who’s apparently wearing palazzo pants). And she’s all, “Um, when Brandon first showed at West Beverly, I figured he was just some cute [AGAIN I ASK: WITH THAT HAIR???], conceited guy who was trying to take some shortcuts. [Which he proved in spades in the “Higher Education” episode, mind you.] Well, he taught me a shortcut: that I could be more open. Sometimes. He, uh, he liked me so I thought maybe that the others would, too. [WHICH THEY DON’T, YOU FUCKING DOWNER. WHY DON’T YOU GO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE BLAZE ABOUT IT?] Including his sister, Brenda. Minnesota doesn't know how lucky it is, Ace,” and FUCKING CHRIST, please, I BEG OF YOU, stop with the “Ace” nonsense. Except that they won’t. And then Brandon will start calling AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea “Chief” soon and I’ll be forced to solder my index fingers into my ear canals just to provide my poor, weathered cochlea glorious relief.



WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY???? And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t been paying nearly enough attention. So David zooms all up in Dylan’s grill, and Our Resident James Dean says, “I don’t do cameras,” like, OF COURSE YOU DON’T DYLAN. OF COURSE. And for some reason, everyone finds this hilarious:



...like this idiot…



...and his idiot parents…



...and Non-Idiot Brenda, who’s probably grinning through the pain of knowing that her boyfriend is a massive cheesedick.



So then Dylan and his scalloped-collared shirt walk over to Brandon, and he bros down all, “Well, Slim, we've been through a lot together. You're the only one to ever hit me and lived to tell about it,” meaning? Every other person who’s ever hit Dylan is now dead in a shallow grave somewhere? SCARY. Also: whoever made that pathetic sign back there absolutely snuck that “e” in “Walshes” in at the last minute, right? Right.



So then Dylan gets all KINDS of dramzzzzzz: “You invited me into your family, and what did I do, I took out your sister, Brenda, who saved me from going back to drinking, she saved me from myself. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you guys. At the risk of sounding mushy, you Walsh people are the only family I got,” but he forgets to add, “Because I am The O.G. Poor Little Rich Boy and my parents are FOR SERIOUS Shitty, Montezuma’s Revenge-StyleZ Diarrhea People.” So anyway, then everyone is like, crying like a bunch of buffoons because of Dylan’s Non-Sad Monologue:



Shut up Jim.



Get a grip, Cin.



JESUS PEOPLE. You’ve all known each other for less than a goddamn YEAR. You’ll all move on and make new friends and NO ONE CARES.



FUUUUUUUUUUCK. (Do I use that in every recap? Yes, yes I do.) So Brenda and Dylan are serving up some Glen And Cindy Fucking Through Their Foreheads Realness, and then Jim lays it down for everyone: “Uh. Guess I should say something. Speaking for us Walsh people, I'd like to thank you all for letting us become apart of your world. Kinda sneaks up on you here, ya know. It's kinda hard to say goodbye. [And then Jim busts out “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” and pours one out for his homie Beverly Hills.] Ya know, you made me realize that home is where the heart is, not where the highest paycheck is. So I've decided that my family and I, we're gonna stay here! And keep our wonderful life!” Sooooooo basically, ALL IT TOOK FOR JIM TO DECIDE TO STAY IN BEVERLY HILLS WAS HIS CHILDREN’S FRIENDS (WHO, AGAIN, THEY’VE KNOWN FOR ALL OF ABOUT NINE MONTHS), SAYING HOW MUCH THEY’LL MISS BRENDA AND BRANDON??? WHAT WORLD IS THIS??? I SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN: EXACTLY NO ONE ANYWHERE, EVER WOULD DO THIS. I CANNOT AND I WILL NOT WITH THIS MESS MY LORD.



So everyone’s all happy, except for Kelly, who was once again thwarted in her quest of complete sovereignty of Dylan’s cock, so now she’s got to go back to the drawing board and hatch up a new plan to put into motion. One that will take, oh, another year or so.



ARE WE QUITE MOTHER-FUCKING DONE??? So AHHHHHHHHHNdrea says, “I guess friendship rears its ugly head,” and Brandon’s all, “Can we squash it?” and she tells him, “I don't know, there's a lot to be said about our friendship,” and yes, yes there is. Like, it’s incredible that two dinks who are so self-righteously insufferable somehow managed to find each other. And then Brandon asks her if she would’ve gone through with The Doing Of The It and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea says, “You'll never know,” AND SHE’S JUST SO SAUCY YOU GUYS! Oh, and then Brandon tells her that she’s a great kisser, thereby, ONCE AGAIN, compounding the whole AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea’s Spooky Preoccupation With Brandon thing. AWESOME.



SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. Cut back over to Jim and Cindy, and she asks him, “Why didn't you tell me when you got home we were staying?” and he’s all, “I just decided,” and it’s lovely to know that Jim’s the only one in the family who gets to make any decisions. So then Cindy asks, “Henry Powell doesn't know you're turning down his offer? Won't he be furious? You think he'll fire you?” and rather than answering her and reassuring her that House Of Walsh won’t go into foreclosure because he lost his Accounting Nerd job, he just says, “C'mon, let's dance.” So, a few days ago he’s all, “I can’t pass this opportunity up, MONEYMONEYMONEY. If I don’t accept the position I may lose my job and we’ll have to pass Brandon off as Fresh Meat on Hollywood Boulevard.” But now because, I REPEAT, HIS CHILDREN’S FRIENDS gave a bunch of non-sappy, non-endearing little speeches about Brenda And Brandon Walsh And What They Mean To Me, Jim wants to stay? MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME. And by “MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME,” I of course mean “I HOPE A GREASE FIRE STARTS AT THIS EXACT MOMENT AND ALL OF YOU DIE OF SMOKE INHALATION.”



Back over to Brenda and Dylan and The Blondes Sans Steve: Kelly delivers the completely unnatural line of, “So everything's gonna be great again, right?” WHAT to Brenda, and Brenda kind of smiles and nods her head, AND THEN!



She turns to Dylan and tells him, “Except, Dylan? I'm late,” and Dylan is probably like any other 16-year-old boy and asks, “What are you late for?” and Brenda doesn’t spit in his ignorant face OR on his Geometry Shirt but reiterates, “No, you know. I'm late.”



And then Dylan finally catches on and looks kind of shocked...or maybe like he ate some of Worthless Nat’s cooking, and he pulls Brenda in to sort of dance/hug her, and he’s probably computing just how long he’ll have to do either before he can bolt it the fuck out of there through the wall, leaving a Dylan-shaped hole in his wake, which is probably why The Peach Pit had to be renovated in the first place. 



And the final shot of the season is this, with Cindy tonguing Jim because potential unemployment really turns her on; Donna and David: The Beginning; Brenda and Dylan WHATEVER, and Steve and Kelly single-handedly putting the pants industry out of business, seeing as both of theirs are so BEASTLY. Oh, and all the Rando Couples behind them who look like they all just entered a low-rent Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski Lookalike Contest. THE END. OH, AND SEASON 1? DROP DEAD.


And that's all she wrote. I think we can all agree that the first season of Beverly Hills, 90210 was a real pile of refuse. But we managed to muddle through the dregs and come out the other side...to the wasteland that is the first installment of the Summer Episodes, which are TREMENDOUSLY fascinating, if your definition of "fascinating" is "so boring and trivial it's borderline offensive." Over the course of these episodes, we will be blessed tortured with the following plotlines: Brenda thinking she's pregnant and then subsequently breaking up with Dylan; Brandon shitting on Worthless Nat and quitting his job at The Pit with no notice, so he can go be a tiny cabana boy at the Beverly Hills Beach Club; Brandon falling for a co-worker, who's also some kind of low-class hooker/homewrecker; Brenda, Donna, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and David taking some summer school drama class, which leads to Brenda and AHHHHHHHNdrea coming to physical blows over their monstrosity of a teacher GROSS; Kelly throwing herself WHAT'S NEW at a probably-gay dude; Dylan sad-sacking around all summer because of Garbage Bag Dad Jack McKay WHATEVER; the unfortunate inception of Mel and Jackie; Brandon mentoring/babysitting a kid with a giant mole on his face and then discovering that the boy's MEGA-trashy mom is a good-for-nothing beater of children; Brandon's acquisition of my fucking dream car, a 1965 Mustang; and finally, some asinine parent-free camping trip, where Dylan falls off the wagon with two micro-bottles of vodka he apparently stole from an airplane, and then getting all wasted and passing out in the woods. He is unfortunately not eaten by a bear during this instance. So join me back here next time for "Beach Blanket Brandon" NICE FUCKING TITLE where a bunch of stuff happens and NO ONE CARES. I've never been more anxious and excited for Emily "It's FOUR you and FOUR me" Valentine's appearance in my life. Until we meet again.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google.