Season 1; Ep. 21 - Spring Dance: A Little Piece Of Me Died While Writing This One. Namely, My Female Anatomy. Because Steve, Steve's Coif, Steve's Personality And Steve's Existence In The World.

Aaaaaaaand, here we go. The Penultimate. The Only One Besides "Isn't It Romantic?" That Anyone Cares About This Whole Bloody (FUCKING) Season. Seriously. The writers should've just killed off Brandon, Steve, Kelly, AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, Donna, David and Jim in some kind of Melrose Place-ian exploding field trip "accident" and renamed the show Beverly Hills Awesome: With Brenda, Dylan, Coked-Up Jackie, Our Felice and Sometimes Cindy and called it a goddamn day. Alas, this never happened. But pathetic life-failures winners such as myself can continue to dream of this reality. So. Let's hit this. 

I...there are no words left. It's not even the end of Season 1 and THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. Steve's a pile of puke. Brandon's a pile of puke. I hate them both. What more do you want from me, people?

ANYway, they're walking down the hall talking about some Spring Dance and Revolting Steve with his flesh-colored hair is all, "Oh, Brandon. Spring is in the air and it is driving me crazy. Smell that?" and Brandon asks, "What?" and Steve says, "That sweet, overripe flower scent. Nature's doing its thing and it's turning me into a total dog," because he is the exact opposite of well-adjusted and thinks that anyone of the opposite sex would give him one nano-second of thought, time, breath, attention, regard, consideration. And then Brandon's all, "Down boy," and Steve's all, "Oh, oh, put me on a leash," and then I choked on my own bile and passed out for an hour or five and my boyfriend found me and rushed me to the emergency room and I plan on forwarding all of my medical bills to one Steve "Looks Like A Merkin, But Isn't" SAUNders.

And then they stop dead in the hall and see my Hetero Life Mate Darla Diller, who you might remember as "Janine," Roger "Robert" Azarian's "girlfriend" in Poor Little Rich Boy: The Autobiography of Roger "NO ONE INCLUDING ANYFUCKINGONE CARES" Azarian.

And then Darla walks by and THIS HONEST TO GOD HAPPENS and instead of actually continuing on with this ludicrous scene, I think I will instead write the suicide note I plan to leave behind for my family and friends. But first, I'll give you the nauseating details of Steve telling Brandon that he's already rented a hotel room, AT SIXTEEN, in the hotel where the dance is being held so that he can fuck Darla. Queasy yet? Totally? Yeah, me too.

GAG. So we cut over to David in the DJ booth, wearing his Kathie Lee Casuals embroidered blazer in color: The Runs. And he's got a dancing flower just like I used to, although mine played the guitar and broke down every half-song and then you'd have to bang it against a hard surface to get it going again. So this complete foolio has his Patented Ingratiating David Face on, and is announcing the Spring Queen nominees.

But he does it in a really gross way; to wit: "I am pleased to announce the names of the four luscious [if David ever uses the term "luscious" again I will pitch myself eye-first into a bed made out of upright machetes and razor wire.] young ladies you have chosen to be this year's Spring Princesses. Drum roll, please. Maria Semple; Amy Gant; Carrie Kidman," and then OF COURSE, "my own personal fave, Kelly Taylor," and then Kelly is all excited and her head becomes even more engorged. And she will wait all of about a half-hour to start acting like an even bigger unappreciative cooter than she usually is. But Donna and Brenda and Brenda don't know this yet so they're good friends and are all squee-filled for her.

We next head over to The Blaze office, where I assume AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea lives, given the fact that she's always goddamn there and that's all she ever fucking talks about. And she, in her Sag Harbor dowdiest, listens as Pipsqueak David finishes up rattling off the names for Spring Royalty, and then tells Brandon, "You know, I've never known a Spring Princess before," and Brandon's all, "Well, welcome to the inner circle of life," and acts like he couldn't care less, but we all know better, since he ends up taking Kelly to the dance and sliding into first base with her on the dance floor.

So then Brandon, in a shirt he borrowed from Cindy, and AHHHHHHHHNdrea, with her rat's ass hair, babble on for some time about the stupid dance, and if Brandon thinks Kelly will win, and if he's going, to which he replies, "No...personally, I hate to dance," and GEE WE WILL NEVER HEAR THAT AGAIN OH WAIT WE WILL HEAR THAT FOR THE NEXT LIFETIME X INFINITY EONS which is thankful for us because as you'll recall...

...THIS...

...and it's obvious that AHHHHHHHHNdrea's beating around the proverbial bush in a lame attempt to get Brandon to ask her to the dance, but after a while it becomes abundantly clear to microorganisms on this planet as well as microorganisms on ALL the other planets that he has absolutely no intention of doing so, which is solidified in concrete when she lays down this nonsensical dreck: "Well, I have fundamental ideological problems with teenage social rituals that basically do nothing but exacerbate fears of total insecurity and inferiority over one’s appearance while phonetically exploiting, and I must hasten to add, distorting, the feminine ideal. I mean, in an act which reaches its effigy with the election of the Spring Queen." Hey, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea? Your picture is in Merriam-Webster next to the phrase "wet blanket." PLEASE DISCONTINUE YOUR EXISTENCE BY SMOTHERING YOURSELF IN ALL OF YOUR DYSENTERY-COLORED, POLY BLEND CLOTHING.

Cut to Steve and his trusty La Perm cat pelt that's affixed to his skull, chasing Darla down the hall. She looks much prettier here (minus her odd, Kelly Kapowski-ish dress) than she did in the "April Is The Cruelest Month" episode, and she's about to get ENDLESSLY more attractive, because LOOK! Steve: "Darla, hi!" Darla, having no shits to give: "Hi." Steve: "Um. You remember me?" Darla: "I'm not sure." Carly: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MARRY ME DARLA!" Steve: "Steve SAUNders, we say hi a lot." Darla: "Oh, hi," and then WALKING AWAY BECAUSE SHE IS AN ANGEL WHO WALKS AMONG US. Steve, Delusional Punching Bag: "Darla, you know, I don't think I've had a chance to mention that I really think you're pretty gorgeous." Darla: "Mmhm." Steve: "And I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Spring Dance with me? We can go someplace terminally hip [FUCKING WHATEVER] for dinner, check out the dance, see what the night has to offer." Darla: "In your car?" Steve: "Definitely." Darla: "Sorry. I don't do 'vettes." Steve, Desperate For A Blowie And Quite Pathetic: "That's alright, I'll rent a Jag. A Porsche. A minivan." In conclusion: Darla is EVERYTHING and Steve is still Beverly Hills' Foremost Worthless Sack Of LIFE.

I...might? like Brenda's jacket? ANYway, she catches up with AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea in the hall, all, "So did he ask you?" meaning her penil-y-and-otherwise diminutive brother, and AHHHHHHNdrea's all Sad Sacky and tells her, "No. At least I don't think so," and Brenda says that AHHHHHHHHNdrea should've asked him and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea tries to play it cool (WHAT A JOKE) and says, "I know. I guess school dances really aren't my scene. I mean, Brandon might come over that night, you know, we might just hang out, watch a movie together...I guess the truth is, if he really wanted to ask me he would've asked me," and then she beats it the hell out of there to go weep her eyes out on her long-ass bus ride back to The Valley. Oh, and also? NO ONE CARES.

Cut to The Peach Pit, and Conniving Herpes Sore Kelly comes in and Brandon's all, "Well, your highness," and Worthless Nat's there to put in his three lines of the episode, all, "This guy givin' you a hard time?" and Brandon informs him that Kelly was nominated for Spring Queen and Nat says, "She had to be nominated?" like, go worthlessly fry up a Mega-Burger Nat, GOD. And Kelly asks Nat if she can speak with Brandon alone for a moment, and quite frankly I don't blame her as I wouldn't want to deal with Nat and all his inane "jokes" and worthlessness, either. 

So she takes Brandon aside and basically tells him that since she's fucked every guy from here to Pacific Palisades, she has no one else to take to the dance. No one except for him. So Brandon hems and haws about it, saying he wasn't even planning on going and GET A MOVE ON IT .

And then Kelly then uses the only tool in her shed - her haggard vagina - and grabs Brandon's hand and says all "seductively," "Brandon, I promise you will have fun. I will show you a really good time," meaning, "I will show you one boob and half of my clitoris."

THANKGODFULLY, Kellys Propositioning Of Brandon comes to a screeching halt when they're interrupted. Unfortunately for all involved, said interruption comes in the form of a be-wigged monstrosity known in some circles as "Steve SAUNders," but who I know as "The Human Being Equivalent Of A Dog Wet-Farting In Your Soup." So ANYhow, Steve's been looking for Kelly to ask her to the Spring Dance and she tells him that she already has a date, "Brandon," and Dunce Steve asks, "Brandon who?" and Brandon chimes in with, "Brandon Walsh," and having to type my Sworn Enemy's name over and over again is giving me a mad case of a large bowel obstruction. And then Brandon says that he thought Steve was going with Darla, and Kelly suggests that Steve ask Donna (way to throw one of your best friends under the bus there, hussy) and Brandon agrees all, "Why don't you ask her, we'll all go together as friends, it'll be cool," and Steve's all, " Is that how you guys are going, as friends?" and Kelly tells him, "Well we're not going as enemies," which is her way of telling Brandon that she's up for anal. And then Steve agrees to ask Donna, but says, "I'll ask her, but as long as she doesn't expect anything," and Kelly joins me in telling him, "You should be so lucky." Because LOOK IN A REFLECTIVE SURFACE STEVE.

So then Brandon, Steve, and Steve's brushed-out mullet say goodbye to Kelly, and she leaves The Pit with a, "Brandon, call me. We have tons of details to discuss." And then Brandon asks Steve what happened with Darla and Steve says, "She cut me. She cut me deep," and I would say that's putting it mildly, you toad.

RUN DONNA, IN YOUR ALSO-KELLY KAPOWSKI-ISH ENSEMBLE, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. So Steve and his Steve SAUNders Special approach Donna all begrudgingly the next whatever at school, and WHAT A CHARMER he says, "Look, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Spring Dance Saturday night? You know, it'll be totally platonic, you wouldn't have to pay for anything," and Poor Donna's all, "Hmm, um, um, well," and I think the words you're looking for here, Don, are, "FUCKING FUCK NO," but instead she keeps sort of stuttering all, "Uh, uh, I guess. I, I, I mean, yes. I guess. I mean, uh..." and Steve stops her from being able to flee the scene and says, "Great," and then he walks away all Smirk Jerk (WHAT'S NEW) and thinks he's Stud Studley yet again. HEAVE.

Elsewhere in the school, Kelly, wearing a relatively cute blazer with a teddy underneath, catches up to Brandon, wearing scat, and starts in on him about the dance: "I was thinking we could go somewhere great for dinner, like, Spago or Le Dome, but don't worry, since I asked you it's totally on me. The only thing you'll have to worry about is your tux rental, something simple in black, no pastels, no velvet lapels or anything, and my corsage, preferably an orchid wrist, and the limo," and Brandon's all, "Wait a minute, who said anything about a limo?" and Kelly, Superficial Skank, tells him, "Brandon, I'm a Spring Princess, I can't exactly show up in a Melvin, or what you're calling your car these days," because anyone FUCKING cares about the car you show up in. GAWD. So Brandon tells her he can't afford a limo, and she's all, "It's okay, I think Dylan was gonna pay for that anyway," which is probably part of the reason she'll steal Dylan away from Brenda: because he can afford to rent a tacky-ass probably-white limo for a stupid school dance. GO DIE KELLY.

So then because AHHHHHHHHNdrea's out of the loop, because no one tells her anything, because truly, no one likes her and because she's not really a part of the gang, she approaches Brandon and Kelly all grinning like a total loser and brown-nosily tells Kelly, "Congratulations on Spring Princess. I think that's so exciting," even though she was kind of an uppity, judgmental troll about it the day before, and then she asks Brandon, "What time you wanna come over Saturday night?" and Brandon's all, "Oh, uh, listen, I kinda decided to go to the dance after all," and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's frumpy heart begins shattering into a million pieces and asks, "You did? With who?"

And then Kelly grabs Brandon around the shoulders and says, "Don't we make a great couple?" And if by "great," she means "completely obnoxious and fuck-faced," then she's hit the nail right on the head. And then Brandon attempts to throw AHHHHHHHHNdrea a bone, all, "Hey, we can rent a movie another night, huh?" and then AHHHHHHHHHNdrea really needs to learn how to not wear her heart on her hideous sleeve so much, because she practically bursts into tears and runs up the stairs all, "Right, Brandon. Excuse me, I um, have to get to class."

Christ, this is tiresome. So we're back in The Blaze office, and Brandon asks AHHHHHHHHNdrea, "I don't understand this, I thought you said you didn't want to go to the dance?" which is true. She should've fucking grown a pair and asked him. But AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Well, I thought you said you didn't want to go, either?" and Brandon says he's doing it as a favor, and, you know - for a handy, and AHHHHHHHHNdrea all sarcastically says, "How charitable." Brandon then asks her what he was supposed to say when KELLY ACTUALLY ASKED HIM, instead of tiptoeing around the issue like a poorly-coiffed pansy, and AHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Right. I mean, what could you say to one of the most gorgeous girls in the entire school?" and then Brandon asks why she's so mad at him (get used to it, Brando! Every time you even look at another girl for the next two years, this one here will throw a similar hissy fit. But you're also sort-of to blame for that since, as we've previously discussed, you are an emotionally manipulative fuckwit who not-so-secretly pops infinity Woodrows over the fact that AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is spookily obsessed with you. In conclusion: BOTH OF YOU ARE THE WALKING DEFINITION OF REPUGNANT) and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, playing EVERYTHING the exact opposite of cool, says, "Please, don't flatter yourself. Look, you told me you could have the kickboxing story in by lunch. Can I still count on that, or should I slot something else in?" and I'm much more interested in talking about the fact that West Bev has a fucking kickboxing team? WHAT? And Brandon's all, "Sure. You'll have it." THE END WITH THESE TWO. EXCEPT NOT. UNTIL AHHHHHHHHHHNDREA LEAVES THE SHOW IN ANOTHER FOUR FUCKING SEASONS. GREAT.

Cut to: a tux shop somewhere. And Brandon's hair is just a total piece of gutter trash. And he's all, "So, guys. What do you think?"

And then OH NO. NO NO NO NO NO. This utter EMBARRASSMENT TO MANKIND HONEST TO LUCIFER SAYS, "Me thinks thou art stylin'," and WHY DID I EVER LOVE DYLAN? WHHHHHHHHHHY? I...need to rethink ALL of my life choices. 

And then these three stand around the garish dressing room and Brandon changes out of his tux (I guess we can assume that because both Steve and Dylan are Richie Riches, they own their own tuxedos) and there's no goddamn way dudes would like, hang out in a dressing room like this. Whatever. So then they classily start discussing all of the money they'll spend on the night of the dance, and Steve, Mr. Class Himself, is all, "You gotta figure dinner, corsage, limo, hotel room. What, we're looking at..." and Dylan interjects with, "Five hundred bucks?" and Steve, Pig-Dog KING OF THE WORLD tells them, "Geez, for that much money you could be spending the evening with the finest call girl in LA," and HOLY HELL MY EARS AND MY FINGERS CAN'T GO ON I QUIT NO MORE. Like Steve "Spiral Perm" SAUNders would know ANY.THING. about spending the evening with a fucking call girl. Please. And Dylan's all, "Gentlemen, gentlemen. The issue here is honor. You can't cancel." and Steve PIG-DOGS YET AGAIN, "That's easy for you to say. You're gonna spend most of it in a hotel room with Brenda," like, HER BROTHER IS RIGHT THERE, YOU BOOR.

So then OF COURSE Brandon gets all pissy and accusatory WHAT'S NEW and demands of Dylan, "Is that true?" And Dylan's all, "I told you, man. I don't talk about that stuff," like seriously. At least Dylan has a modicum of decency and discretion. And then Brandon's The Littlest Bitch In All Of Cuntville and says all snottily, "Good, let's keep it that way," and listen here, you fucking prolapsed anus: DYLAN DIDN'T BRING IT UP. The walking labradoodle toupee you call a best friend did. So direct your tactless and self-satisfied little inquiries and anger elsewhere, i.e. towards Life Ruiner Steve FUCKING SAUNders, you gormless little garden gnome. GOD. I. Just. CAN'T. with Brandon. EVER.

Also chock-full of I Can't? This right here. So Steve asks Brandon if he's going to rent a room with Kelly, and Brandon reminds Dullard Steve that they're just going as friends blah blah blah. But because Steve knows Kelly better than Brandon, and is aware that she goes through life leading with her labia, he gets his Almost Cry Face on and tells him, "Yeah, we'll see about that. She's got a thing for you, Brandon. She's used to getting what she wants." And...pretty much, actually. Like, she will set her sights and vagina on Dylan in about a year's time, and as we're all unfortunately aware, she certainly ends up the victor of those spoils, i.e. Dylan's sideburns and crotch.

And then Brandon says something about the tux he's getting smelling like mothballs and what did he expect by renting from a place with a dressing room that looks like THAT? It looks like it fell out of fucking Over Our Heads, the novelty store Mrs. Garrett and the girls open up on The Facts of Life after Edna's Edibles is destroyed in a fire:

Yup.

So then we cut over to some supposedly schmancy ladies' store with Brenda, Kelly and Donna, and Brenda and Kelly go back and forth about wanting to find a dress that's hip and sexy and incredible and affordable and blah blah BLAH we all know this is leading us to one of the most iconic fashion moments in television history, and shut up I'm being completely serious:

Yes!

Nooooooo!

AND OF COURSE. So seeing as they picked the same dress, Brenda good-naturedly asks, "What are we gonna do?" And Kelly says, "Actually, it's tacky [THEN IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.]. No wonder, look at the price, it's a cheap knock-off of the real thing." And Brenda, who's not a money-grubbing yeast-ridden WHORE, is still nice and tells Kelly that she can have it, and Kelly says, "I wouldn't wear it," seemingly meaning that she's going to pass on the dress and find something else. But OH NO NOT KELLY. She's going to back-stabbily buy the dress on the sly and then blame Brenda when she also buys the dress. Because that's logical.

And then Donna emerges from the dressing room wearing...things, like some kind of Mexican Madam's dress, and she asks what the others think and seriously? NO ONE CARES, right? Right. Moving on.

Cut to: House Of Walsh on the night of the dance, and here's bitch-bag Kelly in The Dress, and she looks fine, I guess, and I so remember that style of dress being mega-popular in the early-to-mid-90s. It's actually stood the test of time, in that I could see someone rocking this today. And Brandon tells her, "Great dress!" And then Steve comes in and ruins the scenery with his scary, scary hair. 

And then SO SO Handsome Dylan comes in and says, "Your limo has arrived, sir," and Brandon's all, "Thank you, sire," and IT'S ONLY CUTE WHEN DYLAN DOES IT, BRANDON, YOU MUTANT. And Donna follows Dylan in and has GREAT HAIR. I'm for real here, guys. It looks fantastic and bouncy and genuinely good. Also: I'm pretty sure this will be the last time I use the words "good hair" and "Donna" in a sentence together. Because...

...this crispy ass happens...

...and then this YOW...

...and this MAKE IT STOP...

...and this RUN JOE RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MAN...

...BUT IT DOESN'T STOP...

...HELP...

...I THINK YOU GET THE POINT. So anyway, Donna needs assistance with her dress because it's huge and all Gone With the Wind-StyleZ. Whatever.

And then Steve, with his permanent all matted against his head, says that he could use some help, too, and since he's a 41-year-old alcoholic, as repeatedly demonstrated in the "B.Y.O.B." episode, he whips out a flask to take a nip of the Mucho Mahvelous Mango Margarita he no doubt poured in there. And apparently almost murdering a man in a hooched-up stupor changed Brandon because he teetotals to Steve, "What's the matter with you? Put that away!" But Steve's all, "Relax, I'm not driving," and Kelly snipes, "Yeah, he'll probably just puke all over everybody in the limo." And then Steve tells her, "No, no, just on you," and I'm putting it out into the universe to PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN. And also make Steve puke on himself. In his ringlets or something. Please?

So then Brandon gives Kelly her corsage...

...which she responds to by KISSING HIM ON THE LIPS. THE HELL? Like, calm down, Kelly. It's some tacky ass flowers on an elastic hair band. I can't wait to see what she does when he opens the limo door for her. I'm pretty certain it will involve the removing of undergarments and possibly a blow job.

Oh, and then she whips out this foul-looking boutonniere made of decomposing radishes and again I ask THE FUCK? And she says, "Vegetable corsages are totally hot and that is just the way I want you to look tonight. In case I win," and MOTHER OF PEARL SHE IS HEINOUS.

And, MAN, Dylan looks sharp. And he calls up the stairs, "Brenda!" and then turns and says, "Typical," all Cliched Women-Are-Always-Late-Because-CLOTHES, and then Kelly continues her Diarrhea Whoriness and says, "This is not gonna look good if I'm late," and let me take a moment to remind Kelly that NO ONE GODDAMN CARES YOU SELF-INVOLVED TWAT.

And then Cindy comes out of the kitchen all striped and motherly and what not and tells the kids and Steve, "Wow! Just look at all of you! Everyone looks just..." and she stops short after seeing Kelly...

...and Kelly starts FREAKING, all, "What?" and Cindy says, "Kelly, you're wearing..." and Kelly's all, "What?! What is it?" and Cindy tells her, "Well, it's such a beautiful dress..." and then we cut to...

BOOM. And yes, I'm probably absolutely bias, but I favor Brenda in the dress over Kelly. I like the opera-length gloves for one thing. And for another thing I fucking detest Kelly. But seriously, I mostly like this because she's wearing pearls and those pearls gifted us with the most MAGNIFICENT print ad for a television episode ever:

YAAAAS. And no, I don't understand their, ahem, positioning. And no, I don't know why Dylan's nibbling on the necklace. But I do know that this is PERFECTION and I love it and love them and every bride and groom on ALL the planets should recreate this photo for their official wedding portrait. ANYhow.

Then we have this shot of Brenda looking down on everyone and Kelly's got her Patented Stank Kelly Face on and Donna's dress is ludicrous. Oh, and because EVERYTHING revolves around Kelly, she asks, "Brenda, how could you?!" Pardon me while I begin the time consuming task of figuring out how to travel back in time and kill a television character from 1991. I imagine it will involve a DeLorean and a lot of PCP.

So Brenda and Kelly head into the kitchen to fight, and I really wish Brenda had shoved Kelly's Smug Kelly Face into Cindy's trashy wedding china, but unfortunately she didn't. And Kelly's hair looks like feces, literally, like it appears that her oddly-shaped cranium is shitting out that ponytail. Just...no. And while Brenda's hairdo isn't my favorite, it's still better than Kelly's. So anyway, Brenda reminds Kelly, "You said you hated it; you called it cheap and tacky," WHICH IS TRUE GOD and then Kelly's all, "You said you weren't gonna buy it," and Brenda tells her she changed her mind and then because Kelly is an egomaniacal MONSTER she tells Brenda, "Well, you'll just have to go change!" because she's a Spring Princess, like, SHE REALLY FUCKING USED THAT AS A REASON. And because Brenda is a badass and my favorite television character EVAH, she lays the verbal smackdown on Kelly with a "I don't give a damn." GO BRENDA. And Kelly SERIOUSLY ASKS, "Do you know how important this is to me?" and Brenda AND THE WORLD tell her, "Well, maybe you've made it too important!" Like YEAH NO SHIT. And then Kelly pulls out the siren song of fundamentally insecure and low-self-esteemed girls everywhere and says to Brenda, "Maybe you are just jealous," like, OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT SHE THINKS. OF COURSE. And then she tells Brenda that it's going to look like they planned to dress alike, that they planned "to go as the Bobbsey Twins."

And then this leering dweeb comes in to take the girls' picture, and tells them, "What's all the fuss about? Hey, c'mon, you both look gorgeous."

And then he tells them to smile for the camera and, "wait'll you see this picture, you look just like the Bobbsey Twins." WAKA-WAKA.

Back out in the Foyer of Walsh, Steve's attempting to pin Donna's corsage to her dress, and he apparently doesn't want to get a handful of concrete-moonlighting-as-breast-implants, because he can't do it. So Donna just says she'll wear it on her wrist.

So the other girls come out of the kitchen, and Dylan gives Brenda this look and now she's pregnant. And Jim's looking at Dylan like he has an inkling this may be the night that they Do The It, and he's probably running through some horrible punishment he will dole out to Brenda because of it. So then Dylan tells Brenda, "You look incredible...and I can't tell you what else I'm thinking 'cause your parents are in the room," and yes, Brenda's absolutely pregnant right now.

And then everyone gets together for the Proverbial Pre-Dance picture, and they're all attempting to tame Donna's overflowing dress, and Steve actually gets in a funny line, saying, "I think she's hiding an army of midgets under here," which I guess is only humorous until you remember that Brandon's a Little Person and Steve's comment was actually really thoughtless and insensitive. And then we get that annoying-ass thing where the camera filming the T.V. show pretends that it's the camera that's taking the picture and it has the focus lines or whatever the fuck they're called on it and it's really only some clever trick until you realize that no one's looking at the camera that's doing the filming but some camera of the character who's supposed to be taking their picture and it doesn't make any sense. And neither does anything I just wrote. But anyway, television shows do this a lot and it's always bugged the shit out of me. Do you care? Like, at all? No? I didn't think so.

Criminy. We cut over to Sad Sack (AGAIN) AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's house? double-wide? meth den? where she's really let herself go...more so, I mean. And she's eating ice cream straight out of the container and looks like a complete slob, but I'm going to venture to say that she's all down-in-the-dumps depressed because of having to live in what appears to be a growler-smeared hovel. Time for Mother Zuck to head over to Kmart and stock up on some Martha Stewart Everyday Home to spruce up the joint. I mean, seriously. ANYway, as if anyone cares, she's watching some horror movie called Prom Nightmare and the scene is all very AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, i.e. a complete drag, so let's move on, shall we?

We then cut back over to the dance, being held at what is safe to assume The Bel Age, and STEVE'S HAIR. Just...HOLY FUCK. Anyhow, he pretends to puke or some such nonsense and Kelly's all, "You are such a jerk," and I would tend to agree with her, but would also like to remind her that people who live in slutty-asshole houses shouldn't throw stones, but nobody asked me so whatever. And then Brandon reminds these fuck nuts that the night is supposed to be fun WHATEVER and I am currently trying to locate the Vivran I cooked in my basement last night in order to inject it directly into my eyeballs.

So then Kelly continues her reign as Piece of Shit Supreme, as she pulls Brenda aside to tell her, "Brenda, I have a great idea: why don't you and I stay on different sides of the room, that way nobody has to see us," and Brenda is ALL OF THE THINGS as always and tells Kelly, "At this point I'm sorry that we can't stand on opposites sides of the state," although she forgot to tell Kelly to fuck right off and die.

And then we almost get a shot of Donna's vulva as she's struggling to exit the limo...

...and she's all, "Guys, help, please. Could someone help me? Oh, thank you,"...

...and as she heads into the dance Steve says, "That dress is a dance don't," and do you know what is also a "dance don't"? STEVE FUCKING SAUNDERS, that's what. But he's actually more of a Life Don't, so whatever.

So then Dylan chases after Brenda, and she's all upset because her supposed best friend is The World's Worst Carbon-Based Life Form and Brenda's all, "It's like she thinks it's her night or something," like, SERIOUSLY.

And then Dylan tells her, "Well, it's not. Bren, this is your night. Actually, it's our night," and he Cool Guyingly dangles this hotel room key from his hand, and Brenda's all, "Room 271?" and he MOUTHS "Yeah," and Brenda's concerned that people will notice that they're gone and Dylan cheesedicks, "We'll make our appearance, and then, we'll make our disappearance," and he snatches the key back up into his hand as he says the last part and MAN did I think Dylan was slick when I saw this for the first time. Now? Replace "slick" with "sick" and you've pretty much got it. Oh, and then he charmingly reminds her, "You won't have to worry about your clothes for a while," and I wonder if Lothario Dylan used these kinds of lines on all of the DOZENS of other women he's bedded. I mean, it's truly been one panty-dropper after another this episode.

We head inside the dance, and hey! Look who it is! The Rave-Ups! They were the band in Pretty in Pink that played at CATS and sang two good songs, "Rave Up/Shut Up" and "Positively Lost Me" and I actually like the songs that they play here as well, particularly "Smile," which you'll hear at least seventeen times over the course of the evening, no joke, like, The Rave-Ups really needed to write some new material before taking time off of their jobs as fry-cooks in order to play a high school dance. WHATEVER.

So then Fuck-Faced Fuck Brandon LOOK AT HIS FACE I HATE HIM SO MUCH and Kelly are eyeing the dance floor and Kelly tries to get this dildo to dance with her, but, ALTOGETHER NOW, Brandon Doesn't Dance. And Kelly is making it really easy for me to hate her this episode by saying, "C'mon, I have to been seen on the dance floor," because that's apparently going to secure the fucking Spring Queen title for her. And then Brandon suggests that she dance with Steve and as the ENTIRE WORLD swallows back a mouthful of half-digested foodstuffs, Steve's all, "No, forget that," and can you imagine dancing with Steve, you guys? He'd absolutely be the type to get hard and rub his nanoscale dick on your hip. Or you'd have your hands wrapped around his neck and then get your fingers caught in his spirals all Chinese finger-cuffs styles.

So then Brenda and Dylan cut through the group and Brenda tells them, "Well, excuse us, we're gonna go dance," and Dylan makes this...whatever and...look, let's just move on. Blah blah Kelly gets Brandon to dance THE UNIVERSE continues not to care blah.

LOOK AT DONNA'S HAIR. It is glOOOOOOOORious. For reals. So she for some reason asks Steve to dance, and because Steve is the Lord of the Dickbags, he blows her off with, "Maybe later." Count your blessings, Don.

We then cut over to David's Dork Roundtable, and he's facially looking very Davey Havok here (I'm so sorry, Davey Havok) and he sees Kelly on the dance floor and starts popping Woodrows left and right and then he bets Poor ("Fourteen Episodes To Go, And I'm Not Even In Most Of Them") Dead Scott Scanlon $20 that he will dance with Kelly by the end of the night. Again: WHATEVER. I feel you, David's Bespectacled Date. I feel you. 

So FINALLY Dylan's back to smoldering smolderness and he asks Brenda, "What do ya say, fifteen more minutes and we make our exit?" and Brenda tells him that she's nervous and he tells her everything's gonna be great and she says, "Yeah, well, that's what you keep on saying. Look, it's just that we've been building it up for so long. And it's not that I'm not ready, believe me, I am," and Dylan wants to know what she's really saying and she lays down a (very valid, in my opinion) truth bomb on him: "Somehow you'll be disappointed." And Dylan responds to this with, "Brend, we're not gonna be judging each other up there, we're gonna be enjoying each other," and THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION IS GIVING ME A CASE OF THE ICKS IN A MAJOR WAY. Just go do it off camera and then come back and break up and be all dramatic and then dramatically get back together. I like my Television Sex unseen and full of aching and lawwwwwwwnging DRAMZZZZZZ. Anyway.

But the Brenda tells him, "Well, I bet you used that line before." And he's all, "Bren, you're not just another notch on my belt, if that's what this was about, I would've had you up there months ago," and oh, that's endearing. I seriously need someone to remind me IMMEDIATELY why I love Dylan. So Brenda's all, "Oh, really?" and Dylan's all, "Yes. Really," and instead of kneeing Dylan in his presumptuous gonads, Brenda asks him, "So what is this all about?" and Dylan tells her, "Don't you know? I love you," and then they eat each other's faces right the fuck off as The Rave-Ups sing, "Somethin' happened when the dream came..." and no reminders needed, thank you, because I am now 11-years-old again and truly believe this right here to be the HEIGHT of romance.

PUKE X FUCKING FIFTY-FIVE DIARRHEAS. We're back with these two, who are totally just the open sores on the body that is humanity, and Kelly tells Brandon, "I think you're a really great dancer...I also think you look really cute tonight," and Brandon tells her, "And you definitely look more than cute," and then HERE WE GO Kelly says that she has a confession to make, that, "I've thought you were cute since the first day you moved here," and really??? Even with that THING on his head???

GROSS.

ANYhow, Brandon tells her that the feeling is mutual and because Kelly can't go five minutes without some kind of validation from a man, she asks, "So what's been stopping us?" and Brandon's all, "Um, well, not that I haven't given it a thought or two but, number one, you are one of my best friends' ex-girlfriend," and Kelly and ALL OF SOCIETY tell him, "Emphasis on the ex. And?" and Brandon says, "And you're Brenda's best friend," and Kelly reminds him, "Well, Dylan is your best friend and that hasn't stopped him, has it?" but she fails to add, "And yes, I'm Brenda's best friend but that won't stop be from waggling my clitoral hood in Dylan's face next year when Brenda's off feigning Parisianess." And then Kelly asks him if there's a third reason, but since all of the blood from his head has presumably rushed to his privates, Brandon says, "You know, I thought there was a third reason, but I just can't remember it right now."

And then Kelly tells him, "Well, sounds like two not very good reasons to me," and then they do this. And I really hate the way both of them kiss, what with Kelly's little mouth puckering up like she's attempting to get a whiff of her upper lip and Brandon's general...Brandoness. So they stand there for what feels like a generation eating each other's faces off, although in a much less tolerable way than Brenda and Dylan.

And then Donna and her good hair and Steve and his not good hair are watching all of this go down from the sidelines, and Donna's all, "Looks like they're really getting along," and Steve's all bitter and a whiny little bitch WHAT'S NEW and says, "No kidding."

So then these two finally come up for air and Brandon tells her, "Kelly, I don't know...something just doesn't feel right," and because Kelly has no shame she says, "Well it feels right to me," and of course it does. Of course. Because it always feels right to you. And Brandon, being pretty damn clear and concise about his feelings on the matter, starts to say, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, I mean I think you're very beautiful, but..." and Kelly, NOT CATCHING THE FUCKING HINT, asks him, "Brandon, don't you think we make a great couple?" And...add Kelly to the list of People On This Show With Zero Sense Of Occasion. And Brandon answers her with, "I guess I don't. It's like...I know you too well or something," and Kelly asks him what he would think if they were complete strangers (WHAT? And, WHY? You're not complete strangers, but I guess Kelly just ONCE AGAIN needs to be told that she's a pretty-pretty princess and that ALL the men want to do her. Or something.), and he feeds into her ridiculous neediness with, "I'd probably be in love with you." And Kelly continues her Pathetic Parade and asks him, "Can't you fake amnesia or something?" and Brandon is GREAT for once in his fucking existence and is all, "I don't know, it feels like you're another sister," and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And Kelly is SHOCKED I tell you, SHOCKED that a member of the opposite sex doesn't want to doggie-style it with her and says, "That is probably the ugliest thing any guy has ever said to me," and I somehow doubt it will be the last. Because Kelly is terrible.

So then Steve ambles up all, "Having fun?" and Kelly tells him to get lost, and Steve's acting like a drunken buffoon and tells Brandon, "Let me give you some advice seeing as the two of you are getting along so well...she doesn't care about you. She may pretend to, but the only person that Kelly really cares about is herself," and...this is true, actually. Although it also applies to Steve, COMPLETELY, so who cares. And Kelly tells him to sober up and Brandon attempts to convince Steve that he's not diddling Kelly and then tries to rough Steve up a bit after Steve implies Kelly's an easy lay, which...no comment. And then Steve's all, "Hey, hey, this is not a rented tuxedo," and Brandon tells him he's acting like a jerk, and Steve gets his Cry On for the second time this episode with, "You said this was gonna be fun, Brandon. Oh, ask Donna, we're all goin' as friends I don't see any friends around here," and then he walks away and GOOD RIDDANCE CLOWN.

So Brandon follows the 41-year-old to some behind-the-scenes area of the hotel, and Steve tells him to get lost, and Brandon's all, "You got it all wrong, I'm not goin' after Kelly," and Steve needs some goddamn meds to help with his disturbing mood changes because he says, "To hell with you guys, you're both history as far as I'm concerned," and on one hand I don't blame him because Kelly and Brandon, but on the other, GET A GRIP. And then it becomes brain-numbingly tedious as Steve tells Brandon that's it's his birthday and then goes into his I'm Adopted And I'm Still Not Interesting Even When I Skip Town And Try To Find My Real Mom Next Season During Christmas Nor When I Find Out That Garbage Bag Dad Rush SAUNders Is My Biological Father. Blah blah Samantha SAUNders didn't tell him he was adopted until six months before blah WHATEVER.

And then Brandon gets his Patented Puppy Dog Brandon Face on and tells Steve, " Yeah, but Steve, it worked out. Look at you, you're a great guy [NO], you gotta great life...you gotta a lot of friends who really care about you, man," but Steve wants to continue to reside in Sad Sack Junction (maybe AHHHHHHHHHHHndrea's there!) and says to Brandon, "Please. The only friend I ever told about this was Kelly. And she's so into her own trip tonight she probably forgot all about me. What is the sense to confiding in somebody if someday they're just gonna blow you off?" GOD WILL THIS END SOON. Steve AND Kelly are BOTH the lowest common denominators ANYWHERE, EVER.

Aaaaaaand here comes my lunch. So David, wearing a suit...thing that was deemed by Vanilla Ice as "too gawdy," is announcing the Spring Queen: "The votes are in and you the people of West Beverly High have chosen. It is my great honor to announce this year’s West Beverly High Spring Queen. And the winner is, drum roll please...Kelly Taylor!"

So Kelly sits down on her idiotic throne and the tiara somehow manages to fit her gargantuan, ego-inflated head, and David tells her, "I knew you'd win," all creepy-like. And then Kelly announces the Spring King, "Brad Phillips!" and then David tells the audience (who would probably rather be getting drunk in the parking lot than having to sit through this mess), "And now it's time to get down and get noticed because we're about to choose the couple with the slickest moves. The winning couple will receive a free large pizza with two toppings and two beverages of choice from La Pizza in Beverly Hills. And, the honor of the last dance of the night with the Spring Queen and King," like, WOW nice fucking prize. Kelly should've instead gifted everyone broken pieces from her tiara, Cady Heron-StyleZ. And then they all could've used those shards to slit their wrists and call it a damn NIGHT.

Kelly then turns to Totally 90s Guy Brad Phillips and says, "I hope it's somebody cute,"...

...and then The Antithesis Of Cute comes up and informs Kelly he'll be competing in the dance-off with a, "Wish me luck, Kel," to which she snarkily responds, "Break a leg."

We then cut upstairs, where's it's apparently taken Brenda and Dylan an hour-and-a-half to get up to Room 271. And Dylan's all bobbing his head like, "Awwwwww, yeah," as Brenda tells him, "Dylan, this is so beautiful," and Dylan's all, "Yeah, I thought you'd like it." And she asks him, "Do you know why I'm so lucky? How many girls get to have sex for the first time with someone they love?" and then Dylan is...not charming at all and tells her, "I don't know. I've never really taken an opinion poll." Just...stop talking.

And then Dylan grabs Brenda and flings her over his shoulders and Shannen Doherty is tiny, but I'm super-surprised Luke Perry and his scrawn ass were able to complete such a maneuver and Brenda's all, "Dylan! Dylan, put me down!"

And Dylan's all, "I'm sorry, I just can't control myself," and Brenda tells him, "Well, don't fight it," and Dylan reminds her, "We are in the room," and Brenda, ready to get down and get funky, says, "We certainly are," and then they start making out and it's pretty adorable and A LOT less revolting than when Lame Brandon and Gross Old Sheryl Did The Deed.

Cut to: Nerdlinger AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's house, where she's immersed in Prom Nightmare and having daydreams about murdering her friends. Seriously, can AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea be fired from The Rap Line and placed under psychiatric hold yet? For real, her behavior makes Emily Valentine's drug-induced Firestarter ways seem harmless by comparison.

So now we're "in"  her "daydream" or whatever you goddamn call it and it opens with these fools...

...and this. Which really doesn't differ much from how AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea usually looks, so whatever. And basically, she just keeps saying, "You said you liked me!" over and over again to the others, and brandishing her chainsaw at them. Again, I see no difference to how AHHHHHHHHHNdrea usually behaves.

So she first heads towards these two, and Brandon's all, "I do! I do! I really do!" and Kelly is a Fake Bitch in fantasy sequences as well and tells Deranged AHHHHHHHHNdrea, "I like you, too!"

And AHHHHHHNdrea turns on these three and Brenda tells her, "I do, too," and Donna follows suit with, "Me too, really."

And Dylan says, "I love ya," and Steve, who's just as foul in daydreams as he is in real life, tells her, "You're a goddess!"

And then Fantasy Sequence AHHHHHHHHHNdrea decides to turn her chainsaw on Kelly, wearing Peaches 'n Cream Barbie's castoffs. 

She looks good, if not a little windblown.

And she ends up cornering Kelly by some tree and Kelly's hands are all aflutter and she's screaming and...

...back to reality. And honestly? I think I prefer Fantasy Sequence AHHHHHHHHHNdrea. And then Real Life Killjoy AHHHHHHHHHNdrea stands up and calls out, "Mom, can I borrow your evening gown?" to her invisible mother we won't meet for another 3 1/2 seasons when AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has the misfortune of marrying a balding, know-it-all ballsack named Jesse Vasquez. Moving on.

Back to the dance. There's a whole sequence of Donna attempting to sit down in her Plantation Gown. Because that makes for riveting television.

And then Brandon goes to congratulate Kelly, but of course she's pond scum about it and gripes to Brandon, "Brandon, where have you been? And where's Brenda? I'm not exactly getting support here from my friends," and. BREATHE. I...no. Firstly, NO ONE MOTHERFUCKING CARES that you were voted Spring Princess. Also: you weren't just elected Prime Minister or some shit, so shut your oddly-tiny facehole about getting support from your friends. Secondly: As far as Brenda goes, YOU TOLD HER TO STAY ON THE GODDAMN OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AND HAVE BEEN A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SNATCH TO HER ALL NIGHT. I mean, MY GOD. And Brandon actually kind of tells her all of this, and that Steve needs her support, and lets on that he, Brandon, knows about Steve being adopted blah blah Poor Little Rich Asshole Kids And Their Problems blah, Kelly's going to talk to Steve, but first tells Brad Phillips, "Don't let anybody sit here," and THE HELL?

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. God, do I really have to do this? Okay. I'll just give you the dialogue and then you can either fall asleep or kill yourselves, okay? Okay. Here goes. Kelly: "Hi, Steve." Steve: "Kelly. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on your throne lording it over the whole school?" Kelly: "Look, I'm sorry. I forgot." Steve: "Brandon tell ya I was out here?" Kelly: "Yeah." Steve: "Well, look, I don't need your sympathy. I just don't understand why we can't be friends [MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH GIGANTIC DICKHEADS?]. I confided in you, Kelly. I told you things I haven't told anybody." Kelly: "I know. Like I said, I'm sorry." Steve: "Yeah, well, sorry, doesn't make it okay. This whole week all you could think about was yourself. This stupid dance, this ridiculous contest. You know it's a good thing they're not judging loyalty or character because let me tell you something. You'd have lost by a landslide." Carly: "Again: TRUTH. Although, ALSO again: this totally applies to Steve as well." Kelly: "I don't have to stand here and take this. And who are you to lecture me on character? You are generally one of the most thoughtless and spoiled people I have ever known." Steve: "Well, surprise. We have a lot in common. You're the only one I know who's as defective as I am." Kelly: "I am not defective Steve." Carly: "YOU’RE BOTH HUGE WASTES OF LIFE. NO ONE CARES." Steve: "Oh yeah. Your mom spends half her life in detox, the other half her life unconscious." Kelly: "Shut up." Steve: "And I've never even met the man who you claim is your father, although I suppose it doesn't matter too much as long as the checks keep comin' in on time." Kelly: "Why are you trying to ruin my night?" Steve: "I'm not trying to ruin your night. I just get so angry when all you had to do was say one word, just one word to let me know you cared about me." Kelly: "I do care about you, Steve. I said I'm sorry, I don't know what else I can do." Steve: "I don't know...I'm sorry, too. I don't know why I said these things." Kelly: "'Cause deep inside you're just a jerk, that's why." Carly: "YOU BOTH ARE. Someone get me Maryanne's plane from the Pilot episode so that I can fly it over the dance with a banner that reads 'NO ONE CARES.'"

And then we're back to the dance contest and there's fifty-eight hours of David flailing one of his arms around and convulsing around the floor like the goddamn bozo we have come to know and abhor and it's a real embarrassment, although what's even MORE embarrassing is all of the people standing around, cheering for David. Because obviously.

And then we have AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who floated downstream to the dance on her water wings (even though when the dance started, she was still home, in THE VALLEY, slovenly watching a movie; but she was apparently able to get showered, dressed, and driven to the hotel in a cab before the dance ended, because the logistics of that make ABSOLUTE sense) and CUT THEM OFF AHHHHHHNDREA CUT THEM OFF NOW. That dress would be ninety-seven times better sans the elephantine SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVES. 

So then her and her Mother Of The Bride finest locate Brandon, and here's what this stick-in-the-mud has to say for herself: "Look, I feel like a fool for coming, but, I don't care, all I know is I don't wanna to turn into some deranged ax murderer, or worse yet [WORSE THAN A DERANGED AX MURDERER???], wake up one morning ten years from now and suddenly realize that I totally missed out on high school," and my response? EVEN IF YOU DO, IT SERIOUSLY WON’T MATTER. HIGH SCHOOL IS REALLY DREADFUL AND AWFUL AND YOU TOTALLY REALIZE IT ONCE YOU’RE FUCKING OUT OF THERE. And then Brandon lies through his teeth and asks her, "Anybody tell you you look absolutely gorgeous this evening?" and she answers, "Nobody that matters." And then Brandon kisses her forehead, thereby exacerbating AHHHHHHHNdrea's troubling fixation with all things Brandon "Douche Satchel" Walsh.

More of this and NICE BOLERO, BIG DAVE. KEEP A'SWINGIN' THAT ARM AROUND. Like for real-real, his ONE dance move is to just windmill his ONE arm around over and over and make a face like he just walked into a room with a litter box that hasn't been cleaned in a couple of days. David Silver: What An Innovator.

And then a bunch of 37-year-olds stand around as The Rave-Ups lead singer, who, in the year 2013 is probably like, warehouse associate lead at the Fry's Electronics in Burbank, announces to the crowd, "Ok, so we're uh, down to four couples. So your applause at the end of this next song will determine tonight’s winning couple."

And then we cut to David, who looks a lot like me after being forced to watch him dance.

Back up to Room 271, and Brenda's fiddling with Dylan's bowtie as he tells her, "You're glowing," and Brenda's all, "Yeah, well you have a goofy grin all over your face and you better wipe it off, otherwise people will talk," and Dylan tells her, "So let 'em," which doesn't sound anything like Our Dylan, since he seems to flip out over any fucking mention of anything in his personal life, and he will continue to do so for many seasons to come. ANYway, Brenda goes to make the bed, and Dylan says that she doesn't have to, but she's worried about what the maid will think, and wouldn't it be RAD if the maid turned out to be Margarita? Like maybe she hit up The Bel Age for a job after she was unceremoniously and silently fired from the House Of Walsh. And then Dylan's kind of gross, again, some more and tells her, "They will think that two people had a very, very good time here tonight," and I sincerely doubt that Brenda had all that great of a time, considering it was her first. But what do I know. Maybe she was an expert equestrian from the age of 7 back in Minnesota (see: Season 2 episode "Meeting Mr. Pony").

Back at the dance, there's ENDLESS hours of this.

And then Brenda approaches Kelly and she's all, "You won! You won!" and Kelly has learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from the evening and is still a total abomination of a person and pushes her away all, "Brenda, get down! Before everybody sees, get down!" But Brenda's able to see past all the self-centeredness into Kelly's horrible black soul and says, "Kelly, who cares? Congratulations." And then Kelly pretends that she actually knows how to be a decent person and tells Brenda, "I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish," which she will continue to be forever and ever and ever. 

And then Kelly catches on to Brenda's extreme happiness and the Just Fucked hairdo she's sporting and says, "Where have you been all night? And why are you so disgustingly happy? You didn't? You did! Oh my god! I can't believe you, really?" and Brenda's all, "Yes!" and they hug and it's actually a nice moment between girlfriends, which as we all know, won't last. Because, say it with me now, KELLY HEMORRHAGES SUCK. Also: Brad Phillips has seriously zero fucks left to give about this entire evening. And quite frankly, I don't blame him.

More of this: Donna's apparently been attempting to take a seat this entire time. Pardon me while I burst at the seams with Non-Laughter.

MY GOD.

Also: couldn't they have given Scottie a hotter date to the dance? Just to go out on a high note? Because sticking him with Zuck Jr. over there is doing him NO favors.

So the contest is over and David is molesting his poor date, attempting to get any action at all for his non-existent wiener. And The Rave-Ups lead dude is all, "Okay, we're finally down to two couples, and once again, your applause decides the winner. So, couple number one?" which is the Non-David couple, and there's meager applause, and then he's all, "And couple number two?" and then there's APPLAUSE TIMES EIGHTY-NINE THOUSAND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU PEOPLE? I mean. MY CHRIST. Whatever, now he gets to press the rolled up tube socks he probably stuffed his pants with against Kelly. Hurray. Or the exact opposite of that.

And then nothing happens here, but I'm including this because AWWW. Just...the best. ANYhow.

Brandon breaks his Promise To Never Dance and takes AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her flotation devices out on the floor and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea OF COURSE has to ruin the mood by asking, "Brandon, do you think I'm a geek for coming to this dance by myself?" and I proceed to interject by throwing on my old cheer uniform (I was never a cheerleader), grabbing my old pom-poms (haven't owned any since the age of 5) and spelling out the word "Y-E-S" and then shouting "WHAT DOES THAT SPELL? YES! YES! YES!" at the top of my lungs. And then Brandon says, "No, not at all. We never get to slow dance in the newsroom," and now of course AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea thinks that Brandon wants to bone her. WHATEVER.

Oh, and David and Kelly are dancing, and she tells him, "Don't hold me so close," and he tells her, "You smell as good as I thought you would," which is right on par with his, "I really wanted to lick your shoulder" comment he made to Tuesday in the "Palm Springs Weekend" episode and I sincerely hope that David is registered with the West Beverly Hills Police Department as some kind of Pre-Pubescent Verbal Sexual Predator.

And then 41-year-old Steve ditches Donna, again, saying, "Would you excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back."

Because he's got to cut in on Kelly and David and NO. NO MORE OF THIS.

But there IS more of this. Anyway, Steve admits to being a jerk all night (he might want to add "and all my life") and Kelly admits the same (she might want to add "and all my life") and then Steve's all, "I know, but despite all the things we've gone through, all the fights, all the stupid things we've ever said to each other, I still love you, Kelly. And I don't care what you say because I know deep down inside you love me too," and Kelly dry heaves and says, "Maybe. But not the way you mean," and Steve informs her that there's lots of different ways to love someone, by which he probably means there's lots of different ways to love someone with your mouth. And Kelly admits that she loves him and doesn't immediately need to go rinse her mouth out with bleach, and she kisses him on the cheek, and then he points to his neck and says, "Could I get another one, right here, you know the spot," and instead of shooting Steve in the face with a steady stream of vomit, she simply smiles and then spots...

...Donna and her Breck commercial hair, standing alone in the corner, having given up on any dream of sitting for the evening. And Kelly asks Steve, "Have you asked Donna to dance one time tonight?" and Steve is a pustule and admits that he hasn't so Kelly runs over and grabs Donna and pulls her out to the dance floor where she forces Steve to apologize, and unfortunately Donna also apologizes, needlessly, all, "I'm sorry for wearing such a stupid dress," and Steve is actually half of a non-cretin for once in his goddamn life and tells her, "Well actually, you look beautiful in it."

So then Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea approach the three blondes and Brandon asks, "Hey, is this a private party?" and Kelly seems genuine (although she's clearly, clearly lying) for once and tells AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "Ooo! You look gorgeous!" and "You should be wearing this, not me," and takes off her tiara and places it on AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's slightly better hair. It was actually a semi-decent, relatively-okay moment, that.

And then These Hot Sluts comes up to the group and Dylan's all, "Hey, what's goin' on in here?" and Kelly HONESTLY SAYS, "Nothing as wild as what was going on upstairs," and BRENDA’S BROTHER. RIGHT. THERE. FUCKING TRASH BAG SHITTY DIARRHEA PEOPLE. So Brandon OF COURSE gets kind of belligerently nosy and asks, "What was going on upstairs anyway?" and if there was something going on upstairs, why would a brother want to know that about his sister??? But Brenda plays it cool all, "What are you guys talking about? We were down here dancing the whole time."

SIIIIIIIIIIGH. And then we have this totally Non-Natural, Non-Occurring In Real Life Moment, where Brandon queries, "Is it just me, or was tonight one of the strangest nights of all time?" and Steve replies, "Definitely one of the strangest nights," and then EVERYONE ELSE says, "Definitely," ONE BY ONE. NO. SERIOUSLY. Don't believe me? AHHHHHHHHNdrea: "Definitely." Kelly: "Definitely." Donna: "Definitely." Brenda: "Definitely." And because Dylan is the Non-Conformist Bad Boy of the bunch he says, "What can I say? Spring is in the air," and then THE ENTIRE GROUP sort of huddles together and sways to the same song that's been playing all night, like, IN WHAT UNIVERSE would any of this EVER HAPPEN? Exactly NO ONE would fucking behave this way with their friends. No one. I...can't with this. And I won't. For the love of God, THE END.

Check me back here for THE LAST HURRAH (of Season 1, anyway), "Home Again," a completely useless episode where we're supposed to think ZOMGTHE WALSHES ARE MOVING BACK TO MINNESOTA which as everyone everywhere EVER knows doesn't happen, and they easily could've just ended it after this one and segued right into the first Summer episode where Brenda thinks she's pregnant and Tiny Brandon gets a job at the Beverly Hills Beach Club and throws Nat over in the process, but instead we had to be non-gifted with AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's Unbearable Seduction Of Brandon. Although I am so not looking forward to the ever-drab Season 2 Summer Episodes, but whatever. At least I can start looking toward greener pastures. Greener pastures such as a teenager accidentally shooting himself in the gut and bleeding to death. Or Brandon overdosing on U4EA and dying and never having to deal with his self-righteous turd face again unknowingly doing drugs and wearing a women's leather jacket over his puny, hairless chest and not stumbling into oncoming traffic in a haze of U4EA in the process. YAY. And by "YAY," I of course mean "I fucking hate my life." Until next time.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google.