In which I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. We've truly hit a new low here, people. A plot about the politics of Little League baseball??? Seriously??? This is what it's come to? IS THIS REAL LIFE??? NO ONE, INCLUDING ALL THE WORLD, CARES. We also have to deal with some douche kid named Noah (no, not Hunter...
...THANK EVERYTHING) who couldn't be more offensive if he came into your house and shatted on your face while you slept. Oh, and there's a subplot involving Brenda and a dog, and everyone is just really dreadful and I hate storylines involving animals, because I'm the type that won't see a movie if there's a potential for pet neglect/death, and I also see news stories about wildfires or tornadoes or hurricanes wiping out hundreds of homes somewhere, and my first thought is never "I hope everyone made it out okay," but rather, "I hope all the animals in those houses made it out okay." I'll exit this paragraph on a high note, however: no David! Or Scott! For the third episode in a row! I think Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott may now be Poor (Is-Now) Dead Scott Who Shot His Friend David ("You're So Precious To Me") Silver Before Turning The Gun On Himself. And I'm okay with that. LET'S DANCE.
We open with a bunch of this. Brenda running. In Steve SAUNders slouchy socks and really, really offensive shorts. Whatever.
So then this sweet muffin of a dog comes to run alongside her. And he's so handsome! But because his owners are more than likely rich dickbags who view pets as mere possessions, he's loose on the streets. I see that Beverly Hills pet-parents are just as derelict as Beverly Hills human being-parents. Awesome. ANYway, here is what Brenda says to the dog: "Hey, puppy. Where are you going? Getting in shape, huh? Well you better go home. C'mon, puppy. Go! Go home! Puppy, go home. Please, puppy, go home! Go! Look, I mean it. Get lost, go home. Please. C'mon, go home. Go home, get out of here. Damn it, puppy, go home." Just like me, that dog has zero fucks left to give about this plot line, this episode, and really, this fucking season as a whole.
HORK. We cut over to this: a bunch of pieces of white trash, sashaying around a baseball diamond. And Jim's all, "Hey, Dave!" to the Bob Saget-y guy on the right, and then he says, "Meet my expert coaching staff. My son Brandon; his friend, Steve SAUNders," and apparently, no one has a problem with the fact that Steve is WEARING A BELLY-SHIRT. OH, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME??? HERE YOU GO:
BELL.Y. SHIRT. YUP. This, paired with the almost-mullet is just...too much for me and my stomach lining to bear. PLEASE DOUSE YOURSELF IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT A MATCH STEVE. ANYhow, Bob Saget's name is actually Dave Franklin, and he's the president (or "El Presidente," as Jim calls him, PUKE) of the West Beverly Hills Baseball League, and MIDRIFF-BARING Steve thinks that they should get Dave's son, Davey (oh, how twee) on their team, and of course the elder Franklin is a pathetic, living-vicariously-through-his-son piece of shit, so he tells them, "I think that could be arranged," and then he asks Jim, "So, for the tryouts, you up to hitting some fungos?" and even though my brother played Little League for FOREVER when we were kids, I had never heard that word before transcribing this episode and looking up the definition. I just thought Dave was propositioning Jim. You know...sexually. And Jim goes to hit the kids fly balls (which is basically what a "fungo" is) and Steve asks Brandon, "So how tight is your dad with Franklin?" and that also sounds pretty sexual, but whatever, and Brandon says, "Well, they work together, so they're pretty tight I think," and all this Jim-Danny Tanner fan-fic erotica is giving me a case of the vapors. And Steve is lacking in EVERYTHING EVER and is all, "Well, than you can bet ol' Franklin's gonna make sure his good buddy gets all the best players."
And then the Non-Hilarity continues when Steve asks Brandon, "Say, is your dad any good?" since he's apparently just fallen out of Leave it to Beaver, because who other than fucking Wally and The Beav would use, "Say," before beginning any sentence??? ANYHOW, Brandon non-answers Steve with, "He loves baseball," and Steve says, "But is he any good?" And Brandon tells him to see for himself, and of course, we cut over to Jim attempting a to hit a "fungo" and then he jerks his upper body around and makes this face, which looks like an angry beej face to me (continuing the sexual overtones of this whole scene) except that really, he just screwed up his back. Also: I think my dad owned at least seven of the same sweatshirt Jim is wearing in this scene in 1991.
Cut to: House of Walsh, with a groaning Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh laid up in bed. Good god, this is beyond lame. Like, MEGA INFINITY lame.
So Cindy, CNA, is all, "I'm sorry, honey. But, if you play without stretching first, what do you expect?" and Jim replies with, "A little sympathy?" and Cindy sets him straight with, "For whom? The aging jock [AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!] who throws out his back every season, or aging nurse who gets to listen to her patient moan and groan all week while she waits on him hand and foot?" So Jim plays the martyr and says he'll be, "back in commission on Monday," but a defiant Cindy tells him, "Forget it! Dr. Kramer told you specifically to stay off your feet. And your children and I are here to make sure that you take your medicine."
And these two are just complete dweebs and say, IN UNISON (because THAT'S REALISTIC), "Aww, poor Daddy." And HEAVEN HELP ME, Brandon actually looks pretty cute in his dorko baseball outfit. WHO AM I, AND WHAT HAVE I BECOME? And Jim tells his kids, "Your old man's a stiff," which, if I ever have to hear Jay Sherman use the word "stiff" again, I will begin the time consuming task of washing my ears out with a mixture of bleach and carpentry nails. And he asks if Brandon and Steve can run the team for a couple of weeks, and Brandon, Ass-Kiss Extraordinaire, says, "Yeah, I had a pretty good coach when I was younger," meaning Jim. GAG ME.
Later, we're over at the Peach Pit, and Brenda's wearing a probably-bodysuit, but still manages to look hotter than any of these other losers, including her boyfriend, whose hair is...not quite there yet. And Brandon's in the middle of telling Dylan, "So, you know with my dad laid up, we need all the help we can get; first practice is today if you wanna join in the festivities," and Dylan Cool Guys, "Thanks, but no thanks, Slim," and I don't think Dylan is any position to be calling anyone "Slim." JUST YOU WAIT. Brenda cuts in with, "Dylan, I thought you were a total baseball freak?" and Dylan's all, "Oh, I am. But, having to listen to these parents berating their kids from the sidelines all day long? Brings back a whole slew of bad memories," and I wholeheartedly agree, having dealt with jerk-off Dave Franklin-types myself when playing sports as a kid, as well as being witness to Garbage Bag Dads humiliating their sons when my brother played in youth leagues. ANYway, Brandon, who lives in some kind of Dork Fantasy Land, says, "It shouldn't be about the parents, it should be about bein' on a team, learning fundamentals, havin' a good time," and Dylan is at least grounded in reality and tells him, "That's very noble, Brandon. But, when I was playing it was about winning at any cost."
GADS. Nice...nothing, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea. It's called a brush. LOOK INTO IT. So, being the Consummate Know-It-All We Have Come To Know And Deplore, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea chimes in with, "Still is. I know some people from The Valley [gross], took their kid out of the league because it was so competitive," and then Brandon basically contradicts everything he just said and asks her, "Well, no offense, AHHHHHNdrea, but did this kid have any athletic ability whatsoever?" and AHHHHHHHHNdrea thinks she's Frump Town's answer to goddamn Joe Buck and informs him, "Are you kidding? Avery not only won the batting tittle, but was the star pitcher for the entire West Valley Baseball League." And Brandon continues to reside in Delusionville, because he says, "Well, guys, I hear what you're saying, but I can promise you that Steve and I will not run our team like that."
Non-Comical cut to this kid, who looks like The Portliest Weasley, and Steve yelling at him, "Crawford! Get your finger out of your nose!"
And the kid in blue, Noah, a plague upon mankind if ever there was one, runs by and tells Steve, "He eats 'em, too," and I hope that this Crawford kid takes a page out of Roger Azarian's book and tries to become a serial killer and uses Noah as his first slaughter. And then Steve tells Crawford, "Take a lap," while I tell Steve, "Take a Death Leap off fucking Victoria Falls, you satchel of feces."
And then Brandon, continuing to look semi-decent (I think it's because his Rectal Fissure Hair is covered up) comes up and says that Crawford didn't do anything wrong and Steve, looking like the trashiest kid on the Bad News Bears, says, "Yeah he was, he was grossing me out. Last thing we need is a booger-picker playing second base." And I would add that the last thing Planet Earth needs is Steve SAUNders, but whatever.
So then Twee Little Davey Franklin Jr. comes up and says hi, and Brandon pulls out his, "How you doin', Large Guy?" routine, and because Steve is a complete crap sack and thinks he has to suck up to the stupid Little League president's son, he idiotically says, "Hey, you got a new mitt, alright, buddy. A franchise," whatever in the hell that means.
And then Dave "Wake Up, San Francisco" Franklin struts up, telling everyone, "Alright, everyone gets a new mitt, new bats, new helmets, the works," and Steve's all, "How sweet it is," and then Anal Leakage Noah asks, "So, when do we get new uniforms?" and Probably Pedophile Steve is all, "You don't get a uniform until you can prove to us that you can smack the ball outta the park, you little squeef! Everyone pile on Noah!" Someone should probably check with the West Beverly Hills Police Department and find out if Steve is on some kind of sexual predator watch list.
So then Brandon says, "Looks like he raided a sporting goods store," and is all disappointed or something because Money Is Bad, and Steve, looking like the rattiest overgrown bee in the hive, tells Brandon, "Told you it would pay to have Franklin's kid on the team." To this I say WHO CARES WITH A SIDE OF ALL THE WHATEVERS.
Cut to: House of Walsh, where Dylan is dropping Brenda off in his Raging Lady Woodrow-Inducing Car, and Brenda tells him, "You are welcome to come in but with my father's back you're definitely entering at your own risk," and Dylan says, "I think I'll pass," and Brenda says, "I think I don't blame you," and then they kiss and it's all very cute but no one still cares, because we're just trying to get to the next goddamn episode when these two Do The It and then the subsequent episode where Whore Brenda gets punished for having sex by having a pregnancy scare. Because She's A Girl And Can't Have Sex Without Consequences. Brandon's A Boy (debatable, but whatever) And Can Have Sex WITH HIS PARENTS IN THE NEXT FUCKING ROOM And Have ZERO Consequences...you know, other than having to deal with his batty-eyed, 45-year-old Minnesota ex-girlfriend. So, never mind. I guess they're even. So then Brenda walks up to the side of the house and sees...
...this! I love this baby!
Aww! So this is what Brenda says to this handsome boy: "What are you doing? Get away from there, you're making a mess. C'mon, get out of here. Go home before I call the pound, I'm serious. Get outta here. Oh, don't look at me like that. I don't even like dogs that much., You don't even have a collar, do you? Okay, if I give you something to eat will you go? Do you like bologna? You like bologna? Okay, I'll get you some bologna. Yes I will. Let's go." I...want a bologna sandwich now.
DUDE. WHY IS STEVE WEARING A WOMAN'S RACERBACK TANK TOP??? So we're back to baseball practice and Steve's batting to the kids, and he should really not be able to talk because he says things like, "Okay, Noah. Heads up! Throw it home, throw it home. Look what I got, Ma!" and I'm totally serious when I ask who the fuck IS this guy???
And then Brandon tries to, you know, coach, and tells Puke Noah (LOOK AT HIS FACE GOD I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SO MUCH), "Hey, don't pull your head out, man, alright?" and Noah, ALSO looking like a piece of low-classy dumpster droppings, says, "The ball didn't get through my legs," and Brandon says something about the ball taking a "sweet hop," and Noah walks off, all, "I don't know what you're talkin' about."
And Brandon gets his Oh no, she di'int on and says, "What'd you say?" And Noah tells him, "You heard me," and that right there should've earned the little prick a ringing backhand from Brandon's mitted hand, but instead he just calls after him, "Noah! That's gonna cost you a lap. Noah!" but instead of having respect for anyone or anything, Noah runs off to get some food...
...from his mother, who I guess is like, Team Mom or something. And because Beverly Hills is overflowing with fundamentally corrupt and soulless spendthrifts, this bitch has brought some kind of Professional Asian Buffet for snack food. Also: she's wearing a piece of Fruit Striped Gum as a dress.
And then Steve approaches Brandon with his nipples almost hanging out of his Forever 21 clearance rack tank top, and Brandon's all, "You won't believe what that kid just said to me," and Steve, who was more than likely the Noah of his Little League baseball team, says, "Yeah, I know. He's a real paw [WHAT??? Again, who is allowing Steve to speak???], but he's a good hitter," and then he offers Brandon some of the dim sum Mother Noah brought for everyone. Brandon lets me down again and does not shove the bowl of noodles into Steve's fuzzy moobs while simultaneously giving him a wedgie and pulling his (probably) International Male bikini briefs over his his be-mulleted head. You're a real disappointment, Minnesota.
Back over at the House Of Walsh, Cindy has decided on dinner in the kitchen dining area on this particular evening. And Brandon is relaying the afternoon to his father, all, "You can't believe the spread this woman brought. She brought Chinese dumplings, bottled water, it was amazing, we used to eat Twinkies back home, remember?" and Jim is all uncomfortable because of his supposed strained back, and Cindy asks, "Oh, honey, would it be easier to eat upstairs?" and who cares about Grump Jim and his totally legitimate probably-faked back issues? Dude sucks a giant, smelly outhouse turd. And to prove my point, Jim responds like a total snippy asshole, "No, it wouldn't. I have been in bed all day and I am going stir crazy. Thank you," although the way he said it, what he really meant was, "Fuck you." And then he tells Brandon that it sounds like he's got a pretty good team, and Brandon says, "Ah, we got some pretty good players. I could do without a lot of the attitude, though," and Jim Dr. Spocks, "Course the first thing those kids are gonna do is test their limits, what do you expect?" and he's all defensive WHAT'S NEW.
So Brandon tells him, "You don't understand, Dad. The league's run a lot differently out here than it was back home. That's all," and Jim dickishly asks, "And you've come to this conclusion after the first day of practice?" and while I generally loathe both Jim and Brandon, Jim's being...kind of a little bitch right now. And by "kind of," I mean, "What a huge vadge." Those kids are straight up munches of ass. And by "those kids," I mean "Walking Fungal Rot Noah." And Cindy admonishes Jim for being a dick, and Jim's a dick, some more, again, and asks why Brandon has to be so critical of the kids, which...he wasn't. He was just giving his dad the straight-poop. And during the course of this exchange, you can hear the dog whining and whimpering, and Jim finally loses it and demands, "What is with all this yelping?" and then he's going to go outside to find out and I really hope it's not actually coming from the dog but rather a rabid coyote that's going to take Jim out with one fell chomp down on his trachea.
And then these three dorks are deciding who's going to go outside, and then Brenda tells them that yes, it is a dog and the noise is coming from the garage. Also: Jim is serving up some Depressed Tony Soprano in this scene.
Cut to: EEEEEEEEEE!
Brenda takes Cindy and Brandon out to the garage and tells them, "He smells bad, but once you get to know him, he's really sweet," and Cindy asks who he belongs to and Brenda answers, "Us," and WIPE THAT FACE OFF YOUR HEAD, BRANDON, YOU FUCKING SKID MARK.
No, unfortunately for everyone, this picture does not portray Brenda pushing Jim down the stairs into the living room. It does portray, however, Jim, YET AGAIN, being a total wiener and telling Brenda, "You can't have a dog in this house and that is that," because Jim is the Lord Ruler Of All Things Great, Small And Meaningless And No One Else Can Make A Decision, Least Of All Cindy. And Brenda asks why, and Jim's all, "Because I know who's going to be the one to walk it, and feed it, and do all..." and Brenda interjects and informs him, "No, Dad, I don't want you guys to lift a finger to this dog. He's completely my responsibility."
And then Jim reminds her, "That's what you said about Ruby," and Brenda tells him, "Ruby was completely untrainable, I mean even the vet said so," and OH, SO BECAUSE AN ANIMAL IS SUPPOSEDLY "UNTRAINABLE" YOU JUST PUT IT OUT TO PASTURE??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW??? But then Jim asks about a dog named Bruno, and Brenda's all, "Bruno bit the mailman completely out of self-defense and you know that," and then Jim brings up "Pepper," and perhaps the West Beverly Hills Humane Society should be notified of the Walsh Family and their track record with pets because Brenda shrieks, "I knew he'd bring him up," and Jim lays into her with, "I'm sorry, but someone in this family left that poor animal, outside, in the middle of winter to freeze to death!" and THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL HORRIFYING MONSTERS I MEAN I CAN'T EVEN.
And then Jim gets up and says that he's going to take the dog to the pound, like, way to secure my Forever Feelings of hatred and resentment toward you, Jimbo. And Demon Cindy (LOOK AT HER DEVIL FACE) finally loses it and tells him, "I can't bear to see you walk around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. And I won't have you barking at your children because your back is in spasm. Now while you are upstairs recuperating, your son is going to post signs in the neighborhood to see if anyone's lost a dog, right?"
And Brandon's all, "No problem." And Cindy continues with, "And until we find its rightful owner your daughter will not only take total responsibility for this animal, but she will also get rid of it the moment it becomes a nuisance, isn't that right honey?" and Brenda thanks her and says, "Daddy, I promise, it's going to be totally different this time. You're all going to love Wally," and RUN WALLY, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
GIVE ME STRENGTH. The next day or whatever, Brandon comes into The Peach Pit and Worthless Nat's all, "Hey, you're early," and Brandon, Employee Of The Year, tells him, "Actually, I'm late, and I was kinda hoping I could switch today for tomorrow," like, I'll bet Nat's sure glad he took Dylan's word and hired Layabout Brandon. And Nat asks him what's up, and Brandon tells him, "I'm coaching a team for the West Beverly Hills Baseball League and they just handed me the practice schedule." So Nat apparently thinks coaching Little League is the equivalent of rescuing kittens from abandoned wells, because he says, "Say no more. Take as much time as you want," and Nat...really doesn't know how to run a business. And then he adds, "On one condition: gotta schedule a couple of practice games against my kids," meaning kids from The Valley. You know - The Poors. Ew.
PUT THE BALL CAP BACK ON PUT IT BACK ON NOW. ANYway, Brandon asks, "You're a coach?" and it's really nice to know that Brandon has never once asked Nat about his (presumably-pathetic) life outside of The Peach Pit until this moment. So Nat tells him, "Yeah, I have been for years. Mid-City Parks Rec Center," so...while it's not actually The Valley, I'm sure these kids still reek of Lower-Middle Class. And then Nat says, "It's a gas! I love it!" and Brandon asks if the team is any good, and Nat laughs and says, "HAHAHA, naw, they stink! But who cares? You know, just being out there is like a part of a great American tradition, you know what I mean?" and Brandon thinks he's fucking Kevin Costner in Field Of Dreams and says all dreamily, "Yeah, I do." WHATEVER X FIFTY-SEVEN.
Then it's practice time and Steve's yelling at The Lost Weasley, all, "Crawford! What, are you digging for dinosaurs?" because the kid is picking his nose again. He approaches Brandon and says, "We gotta talk to your dad about trading that kid." Meanwhile, I have to talk to someone about trading Steve. From life. Brandon tells him no, they're not going to ask Jim, since he's a complete cunt when his back's (allegedly) out, so Steve says he'll talk to Dave Franklin then, and for some reason Brandon's unable to stand up to Steve and tell him to go fuck himself. I guess since Steve's hair, personality, clothing, and general existence are what nightmares are made of, Brandon would rather not deal with it.
And then Noah's Pretty Woman-at-the-polo-match-wannabe-looking mother comes up and asks Brandon, "Have you tried the sluvaki?" and oh, the Non-Hysterics. Also: Mrs. Noah? You probably should've aborted that fetus when you had the chance.
And then it's back to the House Of Walsh for Dog Training With Kelly And Donna. And can I just tell you that there is a Red Kelly Beemer and a Gold Donna Beemer on my street? I walk by each of them on the way to the train nearly every day. Also every day? I mentally make some lame ingenious joke about Kelly and Donna actually living in my neighborhood, because I'm a loser extremely witty and clever and not-at-all an insignificant excuse of a human. Also: all of these shorts are terrible.
Especially Kelly's. Which are totally back in style right now, which causes my eyeballs to want to maim themselves with the business end of a javelin. And then Kelly lives up to my nickname for her - Stupid Bitch - and tells Brenda, "Let's face it - he's dumb" when Wally won't come to her. Which, I wouldn't either, so Wally's actually a canine prodigy. Also: When it comes to their attitudes toward Wally, Kelly and Jim can eat a dick. And knowing Kelly, she'll eat like, seven of them. Probably starting with Dylan's. Moving on.
So then Wally starts licking Donna's leg, and if this was Season 6, I would imagine the poor thing would be lapping up some Hawaiian Tropic Island Radiance Self-Tanner In Shade: Atomic Tangerine right about now, but this is Season 1/Relatively Normal-Hued Donna, so he's okay. So Brenda tells Donna that Wally loves perfume, and Donna informs her that she's not wearing any and I once more continue to bust out in The Exact Opposite Of Laughter.
We're back at baseball practice. Again. And Brandon is playing catch with Twee Little Davey Jr....
...whose mullet rivals that of Steve's. And he's dressed like pretty much every boy in my 5th grade class. He asks Brandon, "You know how to throw a curve?" and Brandon tells him he should stay away from the "breaking stuff" for a few years so he doesn't burn out his arm, and then they have A Moment when Davey tells Brandon, "You know, you're the first coach who's ever told me not to push myself," and Brandon responds, "It's like my dad says: what's the rush?" Oh, Jim; even in absentia, you are so, so wise.
So then Dave calls his son over for batting practice, and why the fuck is idiot Dave Franklin helping out at practice anyway? And Steve runs up to Brandon after talking to Franklin about Crawford and tells him, "Well, it's all set; Franklin's arranging the trade right now," and I...don't have the energy. Seriously? A trade? In LITTLE LEAGUE? Is that honestly a thing??? Perhaps it is just in base and immoral Beverly Fucking Hills. Steve goes on: "Crawford for Kenny Kesler. Don't say anything 'til it's official. May take a week or two." YES. BECAUSE THIS IS APPARENTLY THE MOTHER-FUCKING MLB AND THERE ARE CONTRACTS TO SIGN AND PRESS CONFERENCES TO BE HAD AND PHOTOSHOOTS TO BE SCHEDULED. GET REAL. And Brandon asks, "What if Crawford doesn't want to be traded?" and I ask, "Or say, WHAT IF HIS PARENTS DON’T WANT HIM TO BE TRADED. DO THEY NOT HAVE A SAY SO IN ANY OF THIS?" but whatever. They're probably absentee scumbags anyway, given that they live in the most morally shitbaggiest zip code IN ALL THE LAND. So Steve continues to be totally despicable and says, "Who cares? We're gonna rip. We're gonna have Kenny Kessler and Dave Jr. in the same rotation," and 41-year-olds living out their fucking The Natural pipe dreams through a bunch of pre-teens is the precise definition of YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON, Steve, you mentally subnormal choad.
Brandon tells Goon Steve, "Forget it; it's not fair," and Steve says, "It's a done deal. Look, Franklin's amped about this; he wants us to have a winning team, because he, too, is a pathetic jerk-off who never succeeded in anything as a child, so now he's attempting to make up for that by living by proxy through his twee son, who will eventually come to resent him for it, and which will inevitably lead him into a rebellion that will probably involve a lot of drugs, crime, him holding a knife to his dad's throat, and his eventual incarceration. But who cares about any of that right now because BASEBALL. WIN. TROPHIES. Also: Dave Sr. probably has an infinitesimal penis," only maybe not like, 90% of that. And Brandon says that he's going to tell Dave to let the coaches run the team, and Steve's all, "Brandon, look, I'm your friend, you can say anything to me. But I don't think you wanna offend the president of the league, especially when he's a friend of your father’s," and once again, Brandon is cowed by the raucous, curly party taking place on Steve's nape, so he gives up and doesn't say anything.
Back at the House Of Walsh: poor Wally! He's barking, but that's probably because he's been banished to the goddamn garage.
So Brenda, with just GREAT hair, comes in and scolds him and tells him, "I cannot keep on making excuses for you," and maybe take him in the fucking house. And then Cindy comes in and tells Brenda that Jim would like to be a gigantic asshole while speaking down to her, and Brenda says, "Mom, Wally's really a sweet dog."
But that doesn't matter to Jim OF COURSE, and Cindy holds up some destroyed, probably-was-ugly-anyway loafer and says, "Yeah. Well, tell that to your father." Yeah, well, your County Seat, Southwestern-on-ludes-inspired button-up is the clothing version of stagnant diarrhea in a gas station toilet.
Cut inside the house, with Jim again being a massive snatch-dog, telling Brandon, "I don't know why you have to be so critical of everybody involved in this league," and god, I hate Jim. I hate him even more because he's making me take Brandon's side. The people associated with this league are straight-up vile excuses of human vermin. Like, who trades a 12-year-old? Oh, these people? See? Abhorrent. So Brandon tells him that he's not being critical, and then Jim verbally simulates giving the elder Franklin oral by saying, "Dave Franklin puts in a lot of hours for you kids, that someone of his clout doesn't have to spare," and I somehow doubt Danny Tanner's doppelganger has clout...with anyone or anything in the entire world. Please. Brandon tells Jim that he knows, and Jim says, "And I think he deserves a hell of a lot of credit," and Dave's not actually in the room, Jim. You can stop sucking him off now.
So then Poor Wally starts barking again, and Brenda comes in and tells her dad, "I promise, I'm gonna find him a home first thing tomorrow." And Jim thanks her, and then turns back to Brandon to be an even bigger uninformed twat and tell him, "As far as you and I are concerned, I hope to be seeing a new attitude coming out of the coaching box or it's going to be a long season." Jim hasn't even dealt with any of these people, other that Dave Fucking Franklin...who also seems like a HUGE knob, but whatever. Why is Jim talking like he knows anything about anything? Oh, that's right, he doesn't, so get bent, Jay Sherman.
LORD. Wally is SO CUTE. I'm going to squeeze his face right off! ANYway, Brenda's out in the garage in her adorable jammies (with like, cosmetics? or nail polish? or something? on them.) and says to Sweet Wally, "C'mon, Wally. I need you to keep a low profile until everybody can get to know you better. I know it's dark and lonely in here but it's the best that I can do," and then...
...cut to Brenda breaking down (WHO WOULDN'T) and covertly letting Wally in her room, telling him, "Okay, Wally, you stay on the rug, don't make any noise, and don't chew anything."
But because all Wally wants is some love and affection and a little cuddle, he jumps up on Brenda's bed. And because she's not made of stone and an actual decent person, unlike her hobgoblin of a father, she lets him stay and says, "You're such a good dog. Good night, Wally."
Cut to: the baseball field. Again. And Worthless (And Trashy-Haired) Nat and his Low Rent Team are all prepping for the game they're inevitably going to lose, and Nat's trying to pump them up all, "Okay, we're gonna have a good time?" and The Poors are all, "Yeah!" and then Nat's all, " Are we gonna play ball like we [something indecipherable I didn't care to figure out because seriously]?" and The Poors are all, "Yeah!" and you can totally tell they're strapped for cash from all the muted-colored clothing they're wearing.
Meanwhile, The Dukes (NICE NAME) are decked out in GARISH bumblebee black and yellow, a palette I'm assuming Steve picked out, although if he did, I'm surprised they're not all wearing versions of his beloved belly-shirt. And Noah continues his reign as The World's Worst EVERYTHING by snarking on Nat's team, "This is pathetic. They're not even wearing uniforms," and nor are they wearing heinous facial features like you either, Noah, you fucking mutant, so what's your point? And Brandon's all, "So what? It's a practice game." But Steve is just as hideous as Noah and tells Brandon, "They don't look so good," and neither do you, EVER, you turd stain. But Brandon's there to set everyone straight: "It's okay. They came out here to play and that's the important thing. Now listen up you guys. The way you treat your competition is a direct comment on how you play the game. Good sportsmanship counts with me and my old man [and notice how he didn't mention that it also counts for Degenerative Steve?] so let's get off on the right foot, let's go out there and let's treat these guys with some respect, okay?" and does anyone actually believe that that's going to happen? No? Yeah, me neither.
So then So, So Awful Steve takes Brandon aside and lays this lovely little tidbit on him: "Buddy, Franklin doesn't want Nat's kids using our new equipment. Just, doesn't want any of his stuff to get broke before the season starts. You don't have a problem with that, do you?"
And Brandon ONCE GODDAMN AGAIN cannot stand up to Steve "Periwig" SAUNders and looks at him like this. Whatever. I guess The Poors can just use their bindle sticks for batting.
And then there's a whole montage of The Dukes creaming The Poors, which I refuse to acknowledge because it includes multiple shots of Noah. And then Nat, who borrowed Brandon's long-forgotten Jungle Cruise vest, comes up and asks, "How many runs you score so far?" and Brandon tells him, "Fourteen," and still no one cares.
So then this mongoloid is picking on some kid named Manny, a tiny midget-person who plays for The Poors at second base or something. And he's not even being inconspicuous about it, all shouting, "Hey, doofus. You really eat toes [?????????????????????????? Or toads? WHAT???] Hey, Cory, hit it to the doofus. He's a real toe [or toad; I...don't know]."
And then it's Poor Manny...who's sadly poor in both the literal and figurative sense.
And then Brandon's had enough of Noah's FUCKING EXISTENCE and storms out to the field, saying, "Ump, time out! Crawford, get in the game for Noah!" and Noah's all, "Forget you!" and I know that child abuse is frowned upon and all, but I think in this instance, a good old fashioned LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO THE SKULL is in order. So Brandon tells him again to get off the field, and Noah, who should really be chained to a radiator somewhere, gets all attitudey and tells Brandon, "I'm not gettin' off the field unless Coach SAUNders tells me to" and again I ask AS A LITTLE LEAGUE COACH ARE YOU ALLOWED TO REPEATEDLY PUNCH A KID IN THE THROAT? LIKE UNTIL THEY CAN'T SPEAK OR BREATHE ANYMORE? AND THEN ONCE THEY COLLAPSE TO THE GROUND FROM LACK OF OXYGEN ARE YOU THEN ALLOWED TO STRAP ON SOME STEEL-TOES AND TAP DANCE ALL OVER THEIR COLLARBONE? BECAUSE IF SO, BRANDON SHOULD DO ALL OF THESE THINGS TO NOAH.
And then Steve tells Crawford to, "Hold up, tiger," BARF, and runs out to talk to Brandon and it looked like these two were going to start making out, but they didn't, and Steve ignorantly asks Brandon what's up, and Brandon tells him, "I'm benchin' Noah. He doesn't deserve to play with his attitude," and Steve says, "I agree. I just don't think you wanna humiliate him," like, OH, HOW HE JUST HUMILIATED TINY "MANNY" TIM??? I CANNOT WITH THIS. And Brandon replies, "I'm not gonna humiliate him, I just want to teach him a lesson," and by "I just want to teach him a lesson," I hope he actually means, "I just want to teach him a lesson...with my fist." And then Pea-Brained Steve says, "Yeah, okay, but I think the timing might be a little off."
And then Brandon says, "Fine. Why don't you coach the rest of the game yourself, buddy?" which he unfortunately doesn't follow-up with a loogie to Steve's Stupid Steve Face. And then he takes his ball and goes home. And I would totally say that Brandon shouldn't have been a crybaby and walked off the field in the middle of a scrimmage, but I probably would've done the same if I had to deal with 1) Steve, 2) Steve's hair, 3) Noah, and 4) Insufferable, Shady, Whack-Job, Richie Rich Parents.
Back to the House Of Walsh. Cindy's shucking some corn or some shit in the backyard, just to prove that she's still all "down-home" or something. And Brenda comes outside with Great Hair, Bad Jeans. And Cindy says, "I'm sorry about Wally," and, "You didn't have to take him to the pound, did you?" and Brenda says that no, she didn't, and that she found him a home - theirs. She goes on with, "Mom, I tried, I really did. I went to the vet, the receptionist asked, 'Hi, are you looking for a new puppy?' I said no, I have a dog that needs a home, like right now. So she gave me the card for the Department of Animal Control, and then she made sure to tell me that ¾ of the 190,000 strays that were brought to the shelter last year were destroyed. And then she said to have a nice day!" Lovely. And then Cindy Bob Barkers, "It's a crime that more people don't neuter their pets." And Brenda says that thinking of Wally in an alley somewhere was just too cruel, like, was she just going to set him loose on the streets again??? Is that what Jim had in mind??? I...wouldn't doubt it. So Cindy tells her that she needs to tell Jim, and Brenda wants her mother to accompany her to tell him, and Cindy says that she should probably wait a bit...
...since Fecal Matter Jim is currently upstairs, fighting with Brandon. And still milking his "back strain" for all it's worth. And he tells his son, "I'm not gonna argue with you anymore, Brandon."
And then Brandon and his Tony Manero necklace are all, "Come at me, bro," but really, he says, "And apparently you're not going to listen to my side of the story, either, are ya?" and Jim thinks he knows all and says, "You already told me what happened. One of your kids got out of line, you lost your temper, you stalked off the field, in the middle of a game," and Brandon's all, "Dad! If you'd have seen the way that Noah taunted their second baseman I guarantee you'd have pulled him off the field in a second." And Jim is still working my last nerve by saying, "Maybe. Maybe not. One thing I can guarantee is the Brandon Walsh that I know would've handled the problem without causing a scene," and what Brandon Walsh do you know, Jimbo? Because the one I know just loves causing scenes. In public. ALL THE TIME.
And then Brandon is over it, and I don't blame him, since Jim is The Worst. And he tells his dad that he's sorry he let him down, and Jim's all, "You didn't let me down, you let your team down. Dave Franklin called me from his car phone, he was so concerned about the situation," which I'm so sure. And Brandon says, "Well, maybe I should learn to be more like Steve. Suck up to the parents, let the kids do whatever they want...or better yet, why don't we just let the kids run the whole damn team. Then we can just sit up in the bleachers and eat tofu hamburgers with the umpires," and Jim asks if Brandon wants to quit, and Brandon's basically like, "Fuck to the yes," and Jim says that once he stops pretending his back's hurt, he'll be back on the field and Brandon can bow out. But up until that point, Brandon has to "gut it out." And by "gut it out," I hope he means, "Kick Noah in the gut. Again and again."
And then it's the next morning, and the sun is fully up, but for some reason The Peach Pit is closed. Because, as I said before, Nat is a horrible business owner. But he lets Brandon in, who's come to talk about what happened at the game. And Nat's all, "Eh, that's yesterday's news. Forget it." And Brandon pours some salt in the festering wound and says, "I just can't forget the way your second baseman looked after Noah started picking on him," and Nat lets him know that after he, Brandon, left, it got worse: "The very next play, Manny made another error, and then he broke down and lost it," by which I hope Nat means that he stabbed Noah in the neck with his bindle stick and then burned Noah's corpse and house down. No? That didn't happen, you say? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. ANYway, Nat goes on, "Manny's a tough case. He's been in and out of foster homes, nothing comes easy for him. He's just the last little kid you ever wanna see get hurt." NOAH'S THE FIRST.
So then Brandon throws Nat his Patented Brandon Puppy Dog Eyes, and I'm surprised he didn't toss in a lip-bite or two, and he asks, "Did anyone even have the courtesy to come over and apologize to ya?" and Nat says, "Yeah, your friend Steve came by, he was very nice," and I think Nat is confusing the words "very nice" with "a colossal bag of douche with micro-genitals." And Nat adds that Steve suggested that they cancel the second practice game, and Brandon's all, "Great, Steve," all sarcastically, but Nat agrees with Steve, saying, "Wait a minute, Brandon, he's got a point. We didn't exactly play you head up...the fact is that my little kids from The Park & Rec just weren't ready to compete against the vast resources of The West Beverly Hills Baseball League. Not that I couldn't whip 'em into better shape. But, it's just tough to do it all by yourself."
So then Brandon asks, "Well, you in the market for a feisty third base coach?" and I have never heard a heterosexual man refer to himself in the third person as "feisty." And then Nat asks, "Why? You lookin' to become a free agent?" which...again, sounds pretty sexual. A lot of things that come out of Nat's mouth sound sexual, actually, and that won't change for another NINE FUCKING SEASONS. And then Brandon throws an arm around his Trash Hair Twin and says, "I'm a journeyman ball player, Nat. I go where I'm needed. And wanted," and I'd like to remind Brandon that he's not wanted, anywhere, EVER, and also: you're not a player, you ignoramus.
So then Brandon gets back to the House Of Walsh, and Jim's all hanging around in his gross robe that he probably hasn't washed in a week, and Brandon's all, "Dad, you're up?" and Jim says, "It's a minor medical miracle, I've got lateral movement again, I feel almost human," and let me just tell you that you'll never be human, Jim, you fucking clod. And then because Jim has multiple personality disorder, he tells Brandon, "Listen, a lot of things got said last night that I deeply regret. And I want you to know how sorry I am that we're not gonna be coaching together again. Maybe you'll reconsider?" And Brandon plays hard-to-get and says, "Maybe," and then Jim asks, "Why don't you join us? We're wheeling and dealing," and cut to...
Well, that's unfortunate.
And Steve looks like he's wearing the top half of Brenda's pajamas from before and tells Brandon that he and Jim are making a lineup, and that, "Your dad's a great guy. The three of us could go all the way this season." And Brandon says, "Yeah, with Dave Franklin pulling all of the strings," and Steve apologizes for what happened at the scrimmage, and Brandon starts to tell him that he talked to Nat, and Steve interrupts to says, "Great! Tell him we've had a change of heart. We definitely want to play those kids in another practice game...you gotta admit that if we clobber those nerd-balls, it'll be great for team morale," and am I alone in thinking that Steve should be sent to some kind of internment camp for people who are complete pieces of shit? No? I didn't think so.
So then we head upstairs, and Dylan, looking all good and Non-Steve SAUNdered-up in his shirt, is on the phone with a potential home for Wally, telling them, "Oh yes, yes, he's quiet. Smart? Very smart," and then the person on the other end of the line asks about Wally being house-broken and Dylan's all, "House-trained? Um, I better let you talk to Brenda," and then to Brenda, "It's a long shot, but go for it." AND LOOK AT WALLY AND BRENDA'S MATCHING WALLY-STUFFED ANIMAL. Also: Wally + Dylan Looking Good = The Best Scene In 90210 History Thus Far.
And then Brandon pokes his head in the room, and calls Dylan out to the hall, and Dylan says, "That has got to be the dumbest dog in the history of dogdom," AAAAAAAAND NOW I HATE DYLAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE ON THIS FUCK FACE SHOW??? And Brandon tells him, "You never met Bruno or Mr. Peppers," but he fails to follow that up with, "because my Garbage Person Father forced my sister to get rid of them." Dylan says that Wally almost got hit by a truck the day before, and WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS THAT??? THE OWNER, NOT THE DOG THAT'S WHO MY RIGHT TEMPLE JUST EXPLODED.
And then Brandon and his gross hair change the subject, all, "Listen, man. Do you have some time tomorrow, help me run a baseball clinic for some of the kids?" and Dylan says, "B, I told you, I have zero interest in getting involved with a team from West Beverly Hills," and Brandon tells him that it's actually to help Nat's kids beat the kids from West Beverly Hills...
...and then I love Dylan again because he looks like this and says, "Well, that's a different story, isn't it?" Remember his swooniness here, because he's about to get all kinds of Non-Swoony.
Also Non-Swoony? This right here.
MOTHER OF PEARL. So I lied. David is in this episode. Wearing...something on his lower body that appears to advertise Life Savors Hard Candy. And Brenda tells him, "See, what did I tell you? Isn't he sweet? Isn't he great? And, I think he likes you," which David should really take into account, considering he's a total troglodyte with ghastly fashion sense. And blah blah David really just came to ask Brenda to get him a date with Kelly blah, Brenda huffily tells Wally, "Wally, I'll find you a new home," and Wally still has precisely NO shits to give about anything. Mostly David. Because David is grotesque.
Cut to The Peach Pit, where The Poors are savagely tearing into plates of food because all of their meals generally come in liquid form from the soup kitchen. And Dylan actually looks mega-cute here. And Nat tells Brandon and Dylan, "You know, the improvement from one week to the next is remarkable," and Brandon says, "Oh, yeah. Kids are showing a lot of promise," and Dylan says, "But. You still need a pitcher that can put the ball over the plate," and Nat goes on to say that the most important thing isn't winning, blah blah this is all a big Non-Joke blah we then cut to...
...Brandon on The Peach Pit payphone with AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's no doubt squirting herself silly over hearing Brandon's voice on the line, and Brandon asks, "Listen, do you remember the other day you told me you knew some kid in The Valley who was a Blue Chip ball player? Yeah. Avery," and apparently AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea offers up this "Avery" persons' services, because Brandon turns and smiles all slyly at Nat and Dylan and Dylan? PLEASE WEAR RAGLAN SHIRTS FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE MY GOD.
Then we're back to the House Of Walsh. For the fifty-seventh time this episode. And Cindy's making Wally some food (aww) and Brenda, in perfect pin-striped jams, thanks her mother for taking care of him.
Unfortunately, it doesn't last long, because Wally's gone, y'all! And quite frankly, I don't blame him for escaping. He probably got a glimpse of Jim's Back Of Fur and took off, thinking that there was some kind of skinned animal hanging from Jim's shoulders and fearing that he'd be next.
Later, Brandon comes in the kitchen, telling everyone, "Looked on Wilshire, I looked on Sunset, I looked down Rodeo Dr., I looked everywhere, no pooch," and because everyone's a goddamn monster, Cindy says, "Well, we gave up twenty minutes ago," and really, no one seems to care AT ALL and Jim's wearing his unwashed Tony Soprano robe, some kind of rugby shirt, a brace to make certain everyone around him knows thinks he has a bad back, sweatpants, and tennis shoes. Because shuffling around the house and keeping up the appearance of an injury requires athletic footwear. ANYway, adding to Jim's odd outfit is Jim oddly saying, "Well, I'm gonna miss him," and HAS ANYONE EVER THOUGHT TO PUT JIM ON SOME KIND OF MOOD STABILIZER? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY. But he says he got used to the howling and that it put him to sleep and that he's headed to bed because Little League coaches need a lot of rest to stand on the sidelines and scream down little kids (I'm paraphrasing).
And then these two are left to talk about the game the next day, because no one on this fucking show has anything better to do than discuss a children's baseball game. And Brenda asks which bench Brandon will be sitting on during the game, and Brandon makes excuses, saying he was simply teaching Nat's team some fundamentals, and Brenda asks if Jim knows, and Brandon's all, "No. And what Dad doesn't know won't hurt him," and Brenda tells him that he's starting to sound like her, and no one, including nanobes, cares and it's all very Non-Humorous when Brandon tells her, "That's a scary thought!" and MOVE IT THE FUCK ALONG.
And then Sloven Jim comes back into the kitchen and asks Brandon, "Just a quick thing about tomorrow's game, you wanna ride with me or is Steve gonna be picking you up?" and Brandon tells him that he was actually going to ride with Dylan, but that'll he'll ride with Jim if Jim wants and Jim tells him, "Whatever you prefer," like some kind of Wronged Ex-Girlfriend.
And Brandon, looking pretty decent here even though I can see his hair follicles and he's wearing a Poop Smear Jacket, tells Jim, "I'll go with you," and WOW, this is all very end-of-Field-of-Dreams-"You wanna have a catch?"-tearjerker moment between Brandon and Jim. Except for LIGHT YEARS X INFINITY X FUCK NO exact opposites of that.
The next morning, Dork Jim and Dork Brandon arrive to the field, and meet up with Nat, who, because he's from The Valley, is wearing Brandon's castoff Jungle Cruise vest again. And Brandon introduces Jim and Nat, and then Nat shows them his really gross "uniform" for The Poors, which is just some trashy-looking peach-colored t-shirt that reads "The Pitts," which he says he bought along with hats and wristbands. And then there's an extremely Non-Droll moment when Brandon asks why there are two Ts in "Pitts," since he assumed Nat was naming them that after The Peach Pit, one T, and Nat tells them, "I'm from Pittsburgh." And once again I didn't laugh, but I will store that one away for when someone challenges me to a Beverly Hills, 90210 trivia game. So Jim's all, "Very clever," and don't sound like too much of a condescending pube face or anything, Jim. And then Danny Tanner walks up and Jim completely blows Nat off, not even introducing him to Apparent Captain Of Industry Dave Franklin, and walks away to go lick Dave's taint. Although, I probably wouldn't want to be associated with Nat, either, considering his hair, vest, worthlessness, etc.
And he's also wearing a feces-tinted sweatshirt, with like, Mega-Burger stains on it, that he just pulled out of the dirty laundry basket that morning, and tells Brandon, "You know, I ordered one of these unsightly shirts for you, too [I'm paraphrasing]. Not that I expected you to wear it today," and Brandon's having his second Non-Field of Dreams moment of the episode as he says, "Not that part of me doesn't want to," and Nat says, "We'll save it for you, my friend," and Brandon thanks him, but fails to tell Nat that he plans on using the shirt as a miscellaneous garage rag.
Then Steve's giving the kids some kind of dance lesson, but really he's explaining some ridiculous signals he'll use when he wants them to bunt, steal a base, whatever.
And then Canker Noah and Seriously The Ugliest Kid I've Ever Seen Cory aren't paying attention, and Brandon goes over and informs them that they're having a team meeting, but these two monstrosities are busy making fun of Pint-Sized Manny, and then Brandon goes into his third Non-Field of Dreams moment of the episode and gets up on his soapbox (because he, too, is pint-sized) and tells the team, "You know, everyone's predicting you guys will be the team to beat this year. But my take on it is if you all don't change your attitude real quick, it won't matter how many games you win. You won't be the champs, you'll be the chumps. And the worst part about it is you won't even know it," and you go, Brandon. You. Go. Or something. I really don't care. I stopped caring about this storyline the second I came out of my mother's vagina. And then Steve tells Brandon to lighten up because, "You gotta admit that kid Manny is a real klutz out there," and if a sinkhole doesn't open up in the middle of the baseball diamond and suck Steve into oblivion, we can all pretty much assume that there is no God.
Back over to The Poors' side, and AHHHHHHHHHndrea's introducing Avery to Nat and do you see what's coming? Because if you don't you seriously haven't watched enough bad TV like I have.
OHMYGAWD. AVERY'S A GIRL. What a Non-Nail Biter that was. Also: DYLAN. I mean...NO. And he's smuggled a mango into the game in his crotch, which is the by far the largest part of him. And this outfit only accentuates that fact x INCALCULABILITY. It is...not good.
And then Scourge Noah is all, "My god, it's a girl. Dude! It's a girl!" and yes, Noah. A girl. One of those things you will never touch. Or see naked. Except for online. In your parents basement when you're 27. And Looks-Like-He-Lives-In-A-Trailer Steve says, "Poor Dylan, he's really scrapping the bottom of the barrel, huh?" because there's a girl on his team. WHATEVER. Other than Kelly, Steve's only experience with girls has probably been him sticking his subatomic dick in between the couch cushions while groping a couple of grapefruits. ENJOY A FUTURE FULL OF FLESHLIGHTS AND A LOT OF TEARS, STEVE. And then Avery's up to bat and...
HOMERUN, SLUTS.
And these two are on the sidelines and they're all like, "Girl Powah!" and then start singing Spice Girls songs or something. And Brenda's hair looks FANTASTIC, as do her sunglasses, and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's...nothing looks fantastic.
And then there's a bunch of Baseball Shenanigans which I refuse to acknowledge, and then Avery's pitching for The Poors and Dylan...is still scrawny.
And then these deformities are calling from the bench, "You suck wind, Pitch," to Avery, and WHAT??? Just like everything else IN THE WORLD, Noah is horrible at heckling and should probably just Scott Scanlon himself before someone inevitably does it for him. And Jim tells them to knock it off with the taunting and whatever.
Jim then asks if everyone's been in the game, and Brandon tells him that Randy "Digging For Gold" Crawford hasn't, and Jim sends Crawford to right field and Steve pipes in with his usual uselessness, all, "Mr. Walsh, did you forget we're gonna trade Randy next week?" and Jim redeems himself maybe one-half of one iota and says, "That's next week, this week, he's in right."
And then Mutilated Turtle Dave Franklin comes up to stick his rather substantial nose into things, and tells Jim, "You know, it'd be a shame to win it with Tim Bosworth's son sitting on the bench," and Jim is slowly starting to win back my favor (don't worry, it won't last) and basically tells him to step off, all, "It's just a practice game, Dave," and Dave replies, "Yeah, well, it's your decision, you're the manager," and YES YES HE IS NOW SIT THE FUCK DOWN YOU UTTER FUCKING LOSER.
So then Avery's up to bat again, and Brandon goes out to "settle" Twee Little Davey Jr., and tells him, "Alright, listen up, Davey. You're the pitcher of record, man, win or lose, you've tossed a hell of a game. There's no pressure here, buddy. Go get 'em," which is actually a really great thing to say. Brandon's...kind of not a rotting anal wound this episode.
Avery gets on base or something, and another kid strikes out and then it's Teensy Manny's turn at bat, and Nat's telling him in his ookiest Nat voice, like he's talking to a goddamn slow-witted toddler, "You concentrate, you can do it. Right? You can hit this ball." And...no he can't, Nat.
Everyone on the Dukes side is laughing because Manny is such a wee little joke, and Brandon, AGAIN, calls his team together to tell them this: "Hey, guys, come in, gather 'round here. Listen up, here's my prediction. I predict he'll strike out in three pitches. And I predict that no on this team is gonna try to make him feel bad about that. This kid's had a tough life and there's no reason on Earth any of you should try to make it harder on him," and then it's, "Let's play ball." But of course, Brandon's little high-horse lecture didn't penetrate Noah's Full Of Douche Brain, so he goes back to razzing, "You can blow by this doofus, Davey! Hey doofus on wheels, give it up, doofus!...hey, pee-wee doofus, bat looks kinda heavy! Hey, doofus, give it up! Give it up, doofus! Hey pee-wee doofus, don't drop the bat," and again, I must point out that Noah's "put downs" are ludicrous and laughable in every single way.
And then Davey has to stand on the mound and contemplate life, baseball, and class warfare, as the Brandon Voice-over comes in with, "The way you treat your competition is a direct comment on how you play the game," and you guys? Voice-over Brandon is so, so wise.
So Davey Jr., Rich White Kid From Beverly Hills, lobs in an easy pitch to Manny, Low-Income Probably-Latino From The Wrong Side Of Pico Boulevard, and of course Manny hits the ball, and wins the game for The Poors and his life is now complete, even at the age of 4 (or however old this Pocket Person is), because the Affluent, Future-Trust Fund Brat took pity on him and let him win the Non-Big Game. I'm certain Manny will remember this when he's being picked up by the cops after holding up a Willowbrook liquor store while high on amphetamine-laced crack cocaine in ten years.
So then this Wrinkled Scrotum Sack storms up to Jim and yells, "Bosworth's kid woulda caught that ball! We shoulda caught that ball! We shoulda won this game!" and GOD, I wish I could say that this outburst was fabricated for entertainment purposes, but it wasn't. Too bad I've totally seen Wash-Out Parents go off like this on coaches, their kids, etc. So ANYWAY, The Dukes are all proud and whatever that they let The Poors win, so Jim says, "Hey, Davey. Don't look now, but we did win the game," and he unfortunately doesn't follow this up with choking Danny Tanner out with his Official Dukes™ Whistle Lanyard.
So then Brandon asks Davey, "So, how's it feel to be the pitcher of record?"
And then they both patronizingly look over at Manny, who Emaciated Dyl-Weed has somehow managed to lift into the air...
...and they both know that this will be the highlight of Manny's sad, criminal existence, so Davey says, "Feels great." And that's the most important thing, isn't it? That Privileged Davey Franklin feels good about himself. But unlike Manny, he probably won't remember this moment when his dad's buying his way into Stanford and he's pledging Kappa Episilon Date Rape and then graduating and becoming a white collar miscreant and cooking up some Ponzi scheme that will add to his already vast inheritance while bilking hundreds out of their nest eggs, and then being found out and ending up in the pokey where perhaps he and Manny will meet once again over a good old fashioned shivving in the prison yard.
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. So Menace TO MY LIFE Noah is telling Ogre Cory (who I just realized was on The Torkelsons, and yes, if you don't know what The Torkelsons was, we can't be friends), "It was just a practice game. Doesn't matter if you lose a practice game, I mean, it was just a practice game. Doesn't even count." And then SUDDENLY FULL OF MORALS AND INTEGRITY STEVE TELLS HIM, "Noah. It counts," like WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK??? Why no one has ever thrown antifreeze in Steve's face is BEYOND ME.
Brandon's talking to Crawford, who was the one who dropped the fly ball that Manny hit to bring in the runs to win the game, and Steve, who has bullied and verbally abused Crawford the ENTIRE episode, comes up to console him as well. And Brandon's saying, "Hey, buddy, don't be so hard on yourself. Darryl Strawberry couldn't have caught that ball." Yeah, because he'd be coked up on the good shit, amirite? 1980s baseball humor? Anyone? No?
So AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brenda are watching this go down when Brenda sees...
WALLY!
And she's all excited and calls Dylan over and says, "Wally! Wally, c'mere! Dylan, Wally's back! Wally! That's my dog!"
Wally, however, has other plans.
And he runs to Crawford, who tells Steve and Brandon, "That's not Wally, that's Rupert! That's my dog, oh he's back! I thought you were dead, Rupert," and oh, what a lovely sentiment. Like, I think my dog's dead, oh well. Maybe keep your goddamn dog on a leash or in the yard or fix the fence he got out of or SOMETHING, you fat shit! And now I'm glad that Steve mistreated this hideous horse-rhino the entire show.
Brenda's not having it either and asks all unbelievingly, "Rupert?"
KEEEEEEE-RIST. Can these two please be buried alive? By lava from an active volcano? So Steve's back to buddying-up to Noah and asks him, "Hey, Noah. What'd your mom bring for a snack?" and Noah tells him, "Spinach salad and warm goat cheese," HEAVE and Steve's all, "How 'bout a Twinkie?" and Noah's all, "Great!" and everyone has redeemed themselves and no one's a complete and total swine anymore or anything.
And then Brandon approaches this Mute Kid and his Mute Parents, who probably didn't earn their SAG cards on this one, and says, "Oh, hey, buddy, we'll get 'em next time, huh huh huh?" and Brandon's back to being a complete irritant...
...especially when Jim comes up and says, "Hey, coach? Let's go home," and Brandon, a decomposing pustule on my cerebrum if ever there was one, replies, "Alright, Large Guy," and they fling their arms around each other like the Bros that they are and I guess the The Dukes' season ended after this one practice game since we never hear about them again from either Brandon or Jim. And for that, I am thankful. Because this thing took INFINITY x Most Of My Sanity to get through.
Meet me back here next time for The One We've All Been Waiting For Because We're Perverts, "Spring Dance" (real original, writers, coming on the heels of an episode entitled "Spring Training"). Brenda loses her virginity! Dylan SERIOUSLY UTTERS THE WORDS, "Me thinks thou art stylin'"! Kelly is a Jumbo Cooze! Steve is adopted, probably because he was just as repugnant as a baby as he is as a 41-year-old! Brandon verbally burns Kelly and It Is AWESOME! Donna's hair looks terrific! No, seriously! David is an appalling dancer! AHHHHHHHHHNdrea whatever! Scott...is one foot in the grave! We're TWO episodes away from the end of Season 1! I truly don't think I can take the excitement. Like, I might piss myself in anticipation. Until then!
All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google.
Dylan was seriously malnourished in this one.
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