Sunday, July 28, 2013

Season 1; Ep. 19 - April Is The Cruelest Month: I Would Say July Is The Cruelest Month. Since That's The Month I Had To Recap This Crap-Ass Episode.

In which I desperately try to not to call Matthew Perry's "Roger Azarian" character any variation of "Chandler Bing," up to and including "Ms. Chanandler Bong" or "The Chan-Chan Man." ALL THE MONEY says that I fail miserably. Also: Donna is outed as a complete moron, which will continue to be proven in the coming seasons by her choice in men, e.g. David, Ray, David, Cliff, David, Noah, David, Wayne, Noah, David. DAVID X INFINITY. Anyway, full steam ahead.

We open with 17 hours of this. Chandler Bing...crap. Well, if not "Chandler," can I refer to him as "Sandy," Carol's boyfriend who dies of complications from a death blow he receives as a result of getting into a car accident while driving drunk on A Very Special Growing Pains?

No? (Also: WHY DIDN'T BRANDON  "Pull a Sandy" AND DIE AFTER GETTING INTO HIS DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT??? GOD.) Okay. How about I refer to him as "Roger Not Azarian," his character from Dance 'Til Dawn?

No?!? C'MON, PEOPLE! IT'S THE SAME FIRST NAME. Whatever. Also: this was one of my very favorite, favorite, FAVE.OR.ITE. movies as a kid. It basically starred EVERYONE EVER. Meaning: Alyssa "Samantha Micelli" Milano, Alan "Dr. Seaver" Thicke, Tracey "Carol Seaver" Gold, Kelsey "Frasier" Grammar, Tempest "Vanessa Huxtable" Bledsoe, Christina "Kelly Bundy" Applegate, Brian "A Lot Of Things" Bloom, and Edie "Ed Rooney's Secretary" McClurg. See? EVERYONE. I loved it so. This, and Camp Cucamonga... 

...which basically starred EVERYONE EVER Who Didn't Turn Up In Dance 'Til Dawn. Meaning: Jennifer "The Rachel" Aniston, John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger, Chad "Our House" Allen, Richard "Wilhelm from Seinfeld" Herd, Candace "Donna Joe Tanner" Cameron, Danica "Winnie Cooper" McKellar, Breckin "Travis Birkenstock" Meyer, Josh "Paul Pfeiffer" Saviano, Sherman "Weezy's Husband" Hemsley, G. Gordon "Watergate" Liddy (!), and Jaleel "Did I Do That?" White. Weren't the late-80s/early-90s just like, THE BEST as far as entertainment? No, you say? It was a heap of feces-covered refuse? Because of programming such as Dance 'Til Dawn and Camp Cucamonga? I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN.

Where were we? Oh, right. Another prime example of early-90s dumpster-water television. So Brandon put on his best Canadian Tuxedo to interview Roger Azarian, Mr. West Bev Tennis Star Himself, for The Blaze. Brandon asks, "How many of those things do you go through a week?" meaning the Old Timey wooden racket Roger's swinging. And then Roger foreshadows his mental collapse later in the show by answering, "Depends on whose face I see on the ball." And then Brandon comments on Roger's wood...en racket and Roger says something about BjÓ§rn Borg that I didn't catch because I'm already BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. And then because Brandon is a lame-iod status-climber, he licks Roger's taint all, "Well, I'm impressed. Then again, you're an impressive guy. Lettered in three sports, straight-A student, debating team, environmental awareness program, you interned at the governor's office last summer," like WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY HIM, BRANDO? Or stalk him, but it sounds like you've got that covered. And Roger tells him, "Yeah, listen, Walsh, I told you no interviews," AS IF X INFINITY INFINITIES. It's the fucking school paper, Rodge, not Sports Illustrated. NO ONE, INCLUDING MOLE PEOPLE CURRENTLY RESIDING IN ABANDONED SUBWAY TUNNELS BENEATH NEW YORK CITY, CARES. Also: your shorts are terrible. 

And then Brandon continues to look like the whitest trash in the trailer park (minus the Blush-And-Bashful Rouge, of course) and tells Roger, "You know, Borg didn't become a star until he started talking to the press. You gotta learn how to take the heat," because he, Brandon, took "the heat" so well when it came to basketball tryouts, history class, getting in trouble for drunken driving and almost killing a man, babysitting, acting, high school politics, etc., etc., etc. Oh, wait. My bad. He was a gigantic panty-waist about all of those things. Never mind. ANYhow, Roger is somehow convinced by Brandon's pitiful argument and agrees all, "Okay. You got it...just make sure to spell my name right." And I would personally spell it D-O-U-C-H-E, but what do I know? And then I guess Brandon wants to be all Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel because he asks, "So whose face is it?...on the ball? Who're you trying to clobber?" And then Roger doesn't answer him because no one should ever have to answer to Brandon, EVER.

Later: cut to a West Bev hallway, where Non-Cancer Survivor Brenda, who isn't looking too good in her baby-diarrhea-colored shirt and odd jacket, is telling Kelly and Donna, "It's one o'clock, I've got to call home," in order to get her SAT scores. 

I LOVE DONNA'S JACKET. I WOULD WEAR THE SHIT OUT OF THAT THING. Yes, you heard right. I love pink, and I love polka-dots, and I love fitted blazer/jacket things. So ANYway, Kelly tells Brenda to relax and Donna adds, "Yeah, I heard you get two-hundred points just for writing your name on the SAT," and Kelly is a dick, but also sort of right, when she teasingly says to Donna, "That's only if you spell it right," which...considering what Donna's score turns out to be, I wouldn't put it past her if she spelled her name ╟❾₭⌂. And then Brenda continues to not get a grip and says, "You know, there's nothing funny about SATs. Our whole college careers hang in the balance. Aren't you guys even worried?" And Donna is just as deep as a puddle and tells her, "Yes, I'm worried. Fred Segal's having a sale, and I just know by the time we get there, everything in a size 2 will be gone." You're gonna have a lot more to worry about than that in a few minutes, you imbecile.

Cut over to another part of the hallway, with Brandon, wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK, and AHHHHHHHNdrea wearing...a Jacquelyn Smith For Kmart Silken Robe? perhaps from Cindy's collection? I...don't know. ANYwho, Brandon all thinks he's a badass and, full of smug, asks AHHHHHHHNdrea, "Of all the seniors graduating from West Beverly this year, which one would you most like to see in the Senior Spotlight?" And of course AHHHHHHHNdrea replies, "Douche," but really what she said was, "Roger Azarian." And Brandon says, "Done," and AHHHHHHHHNdrea grossly falls a little more in love with this conceited pipsqueak and says, "Way to go," which she follows up with, "Ace," and then I threw up for the first time this episode, which is, I believe, is that fastest I've ever done so while watching this shit-on-a-shingle show. And then AHHHHHHHNdrea thinks she's Diane Sawyer and tells Brandon, "Keep it tight [WHAT???], no fluff. I wanna know what makes a guy like that tick," and I would say it's most likely the fact that he's touched in the head and has some kind of bizarre death wish, but that's just a guess. 

So then Brandon catches up to Steve all, "Steve! Just the man I was looking for," and no one should look for Steve, EVER. I mean, LOOK AT HIS HAIR. It looks like moldy, rotting, cotton candy...pubes. BARF. Anyway, Brandon continues on with, "You got the scoop on everybody [ed. note: OH, PLEASE.]; you know anything about Roger Azarian?" And Steve tells him, "What's to know? Probably get a Rhodes Scholarship, marry Miss America and run for president," or, you know. End up in the psych ward of his local hospital. Same difference. They continue talking about Roger's dad, who is a multi-millionaire and owns half of Orange County and who used to bone Samantha SAUNders, and had they gotten married, Steve would've had a shot at Stanford. To which I say WHATEVER with a capital SHUT THE FUCK, STEVE, WITH YOUR NON-STEVE SAUNDERS SPECIAL. 

Over at the House of Walsh, Brenda comes in and pesters her mom for her SAT results. Cindy presents her with the envelope and Brenda freaks out. Again. Some more. And then she has to leave the room to open it. And Donna's cute blazer/jacket deal actually turned out to be some kind of drop-waist Nightmare Dress and now all I want to do is set it on fire and then put the fire out by taking a dump on it. And Cindy is doing the Walsh taxes, and Kelly, Spoiled Rich Bitch, tells her to hire an accountant, and Cindy says that she married one (only she forgot to add "unfortunately" to the end of that sentence), and then she cornily mentions the title of the episode with, "You know, T.S. Eliot was right; April is the cruelest month." And then Brenda comes back in the room with her perfect hair and informs the others, "I don't believe this! 1190!" having gotten, "630 math, 560 verbal." And Kelly is actually nice for once in her existence and tells her, "Girl, you are UCLA so easy." And then Brenda wants to see Brandon's scores, all, "Mom, I know he did better than me," like, why would you even think that toad did better?!?!? And then Donna pipes in all stupid, asking Kelly, "Can we get out of here? I really have to go." To the bathroom? And Brenda tells Kelly to call her when she knows her scores, and Kelly says, "Don't worry, you'll be the first to know. Pacoima Junior College, here I come," Firstly: what is this show's fixation with Pacoima? It was mentioned in the last episode a couple of times as well. Secondly: WHAT IS WITH THE GODDAMN LOW SELF-ESTEEM FROM THE GIRLS HERE??? I mean, Donna? Sure. She should totally have profoundly low self esteem. But Kelly? I detest her, but yeesh. Give yourself some credit, ya ho.

Cut to Roger Azarian's pad, where Brandon's wandering around alone and being a Nosy Rosy, when he comes upon THIS, in yet another clever and horrifying foreshadowing of What's To Come. And by "clever and horrifying" I of course mean "predictable and mundane."

And then Roger sneaks up on Brandon and shoots him and THE END. NO MORE BRANDON. Except not. But he does ask him, "Looking for something?" and Brandon doesn't know what to say, so Roger takes a pistol out of his Gun China Cabinet and then he shoots Brandon and THE END. NO MORE BRANDON. Only, again, not really. But he does hand the weapon over to Brandon and says, "No, it's okay, it's okay. It's a Walther PPK; used to belong to Dashiell Hammet," and Brandon tells him, "Wow. My parents wouldn't even allow toy guns in the house," which...go die, Jim and Cindy. And Roger informs him that his father taught him how to shoot when he was 6-years-old, and Brandon asks if that wasn't a little young, and Roger is the biggest tool at Home Depot and says, "Survival of the fittest, Walsh. It's kill or be killed." And then Brandon is the second biggest tool at Home Depot and asks, "Talkin' about the jungle or Beverly Hills?" and Roger answers, "Same difference," and do you think the writers are attempting to convey that Roger is a Poor Little Rich Boy With Deep-Seated Emotional Problems And Trust Issues? Because I can't tell. 

Back over at the House of Walsh: Tax Talk With Jay Sherman. Wow. Jim is really pulling out all the stops in the wardrobe department lately! Next thing you know, he'll be struttin' around in nothin' but a tank top! 


Long story...a little less long: Cindy's griping about, "$10,647 in non-deductible interest, to say nothing of all these entertainment expenses," and I would bet ANYTHING that hearing Cindy talk Accounting like this to him gives Jim a massive Woodrow. And then she complains about him solving "the tax problems of corporate America, and I'm the one who has to handle the shoe boxes from hell," like, seriously? Shoe boxes? Not even like, a brown accordion folder or something? Low. Classy. ANYPLEASEMOVEITALONG, Brenda interrupts their Non-Sexy Speak and asks after Brandon, because she's desperate to see his SAT scores. And then she leaves, and since as we all know, Jim just LOVES to pit his children against one another (BRANDON ALWAYS WINS), he says to Cindy, "I wonder who did better...five bucks says..." and THANK GOD CINDY'S THERE to cut him off with a scolding, "No way! I will not bet on my children!" Like, she's sort of making up for her ghoulishly selfish behavior in the previous episode. 

Back to Roger's. DOES THIS DAY EVER END? I'm sick of dealing with Brandon and his way-tacky sky-blue jeans. I'm surprised he was even allowed in Roger's neighborhood dressed like that. So Brandon's continuing to suck up to Roger, all, "Hey, thanks for the tour, man. I hope I wasn't rude to ask, but I've never seen a place like this before," which is just BEYOND pathetic. It's not like he lives in a shanty town or something. DROP THE SLACK-JAWED YOKEL ACT. And then Roger continues with his little Woe-Is-Me And My Daddy Issues routine and says, "Big enough for two people, you think?" And then there's this really odd moment where Brandon asks, "Who, your mom and dad?" which Roger ignores (?) and instead inquires of Brandon, "So, what do you want to know for this piece you're writing?" Like, perhaps we're supposed to just infer that Roger's mom is taking a dirt nap and that's why He Has Issues, but since they never really explain it any further, it makes no sense. WHATEVER. So then Brandon starts to explain about his idea for a profile and pulls out a tape recorder and Roger SERIOUSLY SAYS, "No tape." LIKE WHO ARE YOU DEEP THROAT SHUT THE FUCK UP CHANANDLER. Thank ALL THE GODS that Matthew Perry went on to give us such a likable, memorable character in Chandler Bing, because had he left us with Roger "Wanker" Azarian, I would've hated him Forever And Ever Amen. So then he explains that the recording device makes him uncomfortable (AGAIN WHATEVER) and Brandon reasonably informs him that it's just for accuracy, but plays into Roger's crybaby bit and will just "work from my notes."  WHATEVER SOME MORE STONE PHILLIPS.

So then Mr. Azarian arrives home, and he's at least 6'29". Look at Pee-Wee Brandon! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway Roger introduces Brandon and tells his father that he's going to be featured in the Senior Spotlight. Gee, what an achievement. Except for A WORLD of exact opposites. For whatever reason, Mr. Azarian is impressed and says, "Always good to see the Azarian name in print," and then he attempts to live vicariously through his son by mentioning, "I had lunch today at the club with Pete Garrison...don't worry, it's under control. Oh, I mentioned your screenplay to Saul and he said he'd be glad to have somebody at the agency give it a read. If I can't call in some favors for my own son, then who can I do it for, right?" and Mr. Azarian appears to be just as big of a bag of douche as his son. And speaking of Douche Jr., he says, "Dad, can we talk about this later?" and because Mr. Azarian apparently thinks The Blaze is goddamn Newsweek, he says, "Don't worry. It's entirely off the record, right Brandon?" But Brandon likes the idea of being some Old Timey muckraker, so he brown-nosily says, "Yes, sir." Shut up, you pustulating ass-kiss.

So then George "Andre The Giant" Azarian heads inside, and Brandon, Mr. Hollywood Has-Been Who Wound Up On The Cutting Room Floor, says to Roger, "You actually wrote a screenplay?" and probably thinks if he gets in good with Roger, he'll get a producer credit or something. And Roger is actually self-aware enough to say, "Well, every busboy in Hollywood has a screenplay under his arm," and...this is probably true. I was at a restaurant a few months back, and this annoying GNAT of a human being was in the booth behind me, SHOUT-talking about his pilot for CBS that just got picked up. First of all: he also discussed being a "hobby mixologist" who creates "artisan cocktails" so YES HE WAS A MONSTER whose body should've been discovered in a shallow grave somewhere. And second of all: NO ONE CARES. You can't swing a dick (I...don't know why I used that turn of phrase) in LA without hitting someone who's written a script or acted in a Z-movie or whatever. So ANYhow, Brandon asks to read it, Roger tells him that no one has read it, Brandon asks after Mr. Azarian, saying that he was going to get his son an agent, Roger pulls out the Poor Little Rich Boy NOBODY FUCKING CARES card YET AGAIN and says, "He doesn't have to read it to get me an agent, he just has to pull strings." POOR YOU AND ALL YOUR MONEY AND FAMILIAL INFLUENCE. Blah blah Brandon gets to read it FUCK I DIDN'T REALIZE I HATED THIS EPISODE SO MUCH UNTIL HAVING TO WRITE ABOUT IT blah.

Later. AGAIN. SOME MORE. Back at the House of Walsh: Jim and Cindy and Brenda, in her Bacterial Vaginosis jeans, come into the kitchen to accost Brandon with his (hopefully shitty) SAT scores. 

BLECH. He makes this face as he opens the envelope, and then OF COURSE tries to play coy and not tell Brenda and CHRIST MOVE IT ALONG then he finally admits that he got an 1190 OF COURSE, but the totals are just the opposite of Brenda's: 560 Math, 630 Verbal. WHATEVER. And then Brenda says that, "It's gross," and you got that right, sister. Although she should've said, "He's gross," meaning Brandon, but whatever.

Brenda spots Roger's ridiculous screenplay on the counter and, for whatever reason, is intrigued and says, "I didn't know Roger Azarian wrote a screenplay," and because runty Brandon thinks he's a Tough Guy, he tells her, "Brenda, put that down." Jim dimly asks, "Is that any relation to George Azarian?" (because "Azarian" is on par with "Smith" when it comes to common last names) and Brandon confirms that it is, and that, "I'm doing a profile on his son." And then Jim apparently pops a Woodrow (his second of the episode, if you're keeping track) about this, all, "You gotta hand it to a guy like that. First generation, son of an immigrant, now he's one of the richest guys in the country," and why isn't Roger in private school if his father's so freaking rich? And then Brandon tries to get the screenplay back from Brenda, but she tells him that "Screenplays are meant to be read. Out loud, preferably."

HEAVEN ABOVE. So they head up to Brenda's room to read through the script, with Brenda reading the part of some "Janine" chick, and Brandon reading the part of "Robert." Gee, do you think this screenplay will be a completely obvious autobiographical tale of Roger's life??? I CAN'T TELL. EXCEPT FOR ALL THE EXACT OPPOSITES OF THAT. Also: it's a little perverse for SIBLINGS to be reading the parts of LOVERS, but we all know how these sick-fuck Walsh people like to roll. So Brenda starts to read the setup, or whatever you goddamn call it: "Fade in on an exterior Beverly Hills mansion. Day. A major Tudor north of Sunset. Sprawling grounds. Pool. Robert hops out of his Porsche." She pauses here and asks, "Doesn't Chandler have a Porsche?" WOW HOW ORIGINAL. She continues: "Janine. A gorgeous, Twin Peaks-y blonde kisses him with all the pent up passion of her 16 years," and then Brenda provides me with a tagline for this blog by snorting, "Gimme a break!" Brandon continues on with the really trite setup: "Cut to the swimming pool. Day. Robert and Janine are drying off after a swim, her bikini revealing just enough to command Robert's full attention." Roger...should probably come up with a new career path.

Then. LORD. We fade up on the "scene" and Roger-as-Robert, and Janine-as-Whoever-This-Not-All-That-Girl Is Supposed To Be (however, for all you sports fans, this is the same actress who will play Darla, the girl who denies Steve when he asks her to be his date in the upcoming "Spring Dance" episode. Because of his horrifyingly-liscensed Corvette. So basically, "Janine"/Darla is my girlfriend). ANYway, now we get to the deeply compelling dialogue of Roger's script. And by "deeply compelling," I of course mean, "I can't wait for the twenty-five Xanax I just crushed, heated and then free-based to kick in!" So. Here we go. Brenda's-Voiceover-as-"Janine": "Let's go back to the house. I'm freezing.” Brandon's-Voiceover-as-"Robert": "Not the house, he's still there.” Brenda's-Voiceover-as-"Janine": "C'mon, he's not so bad." Barf. Now we switch to the "actual" "characters" "talking." "WHATEVER." Robert: "You wouldn't say that if he was your father.” Janine: "Well, what can you do? Can't pick your relatives.” Robert: "I could kill him.” (That seems...rash.) Janine: "C'mon, you don't mean that.” Robert: "Yes I do.” Carly: "WHEN WILL THIS END???" Janine: "It scares me when you talk like that." Robert: "Yeah, but does it turn you on? C'mon, in here [leading her to the pool house]. No phone, no father, no interruptions.” No more crappy dialogue? I sure hope so! 

Also: Rodge is lookin' a little...mongoloid-y here. I've always thought that Matthew Perry was pretty cute (minus his emaciated Faces of Meth days from the mid-90s Friends-era), but here? Maybe it's the sociopathic overtones he's serving up.

We're back to "reality," with Kelly interrupting the retch-fest of Roger's script with a call to Brenda with her SAT score: "540 Verbal, 510 Math, 1050." And I know I loathe the character, but Jennie Garth is so pretty! I still want her hair. Like, to this day, I would rock this look. DON'T JUDGE ME. Anyway, Kelly's all down on herself again with, "I guess I made some pretty good guesses," and then Brenda asks if she's talked to Donna, and Kelly says, "Yeah, she says her scores haven't come in yet...she sounded kinda weird." And then Stupid Brandon's reading ahead on Roger's script, and Brenda's all, "Wait for me!" And then she tells Kelly, "Brandon's reading this screenplay that Roger Azarian wrote," and Brandon hilariously says, "Oh, god, don't tell her," which is actually only funny until you remember that Brandon almost marries Kelly, and that they're both just GOBLINS for people so, shut up, Brandon. And then of course Kelly fucked Roger (BECAUSE DUH), and tells Brenda that "The jerk dumped me because his father said I wasn't good enough for him," and I'm really starting to warm-up to Jolly Green George Azarian. We could hang.

And then Gross Brandon with his garbage swoop hair tells Brenda to get off the phone and, "This is getting really weird," meaning the idiotic script. He tells her, "Listen to this: Robert takes the Walther in his palm; fingering the gun almost seductively, he locks Janine in his gaze. 'This is how I'm gonna do it; this is how I'm gonna kill my father'," and then this spooky Halloween music plays and I really kind of hope that Roger changes his script to reflect the nosy, pint-sized reporter he guns down instead of his father before turning the gun on himself. 

The next whatever at school, AHHHHHHHHNdrea is The Worst Peer Counselor In The History Of Mankind as Brandon attempts to get some advice from her about Whacko Roger. She starts out with, "Brandon, you landed an interview with a guy who is destined to be one of the hottest athletes of the 90s, not to mention one of the richest. Any sports writer would kill to do this story, I'm not gonna bury it just because you don't like him," and as a PEER COUNSELOR-TYPE, perhaps she should, oh, I don't know, LEARN TO LISTEN, since Brandon tells her, "But I do like him. He just may not be the golden boy that everybody thinks he is," and AHHHHHHHHNdrea continues sucking and says, "Maybe that's your story. Write it. When I read it, I'll decide."

Unfortunately, Brandon keeps prodding her for advice, all, "At Rap Line when kids call in with problems, what do you do? I mean, what do you say?" and OH GEE AHHHHHHHHHNDREA IS FUCKING USELESS AND SAYS, "Well, if the problem is writer's block, I say take two aspirin and call me in the morning." Someone get Carol on the line IMMEDIATELY and get this twat fired. And then she tells him that, "What we do is listen." Which AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AS IF. And then, this is bizarre, she asks, "Anyone I know?" like, were they NOT just talking about Roger FUCKING Azarian? But Brandon apparently finds her question completely normal and replies, "I'm not revealing any sources here," and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea guesses, "Roger Azarian?" and then gets all Lois Lame with, "Wait a minute, what kind of trouble is he in? Drugs?" and then Brandon tells her, "What would you say, professionally speaking, if I told you a kid wrote a screenplay that was very autobiographical, and on page 37, he says he wants to kill his father?" And WHY DOES ANYONE TALK TO AHHHHHHHHHNDREA says, "I'd say maybe he should wait until the end of Act II." And Brandon tells her that he thinks Roger means it, and AHHHHHHHNdrea tells him that "We all have the urge to kill our parents once in a while, doesn't mean we do it." I...don't think I ever had the urge to kill my dad. Maybe, like, kick him in the shins or something. Good to know that besides being a HORRIBLE Rap Line volunteer, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea also daydreams about executing family members in her Ogilvie-Home-Permed-Comb-Over-covered cranium.

Cut to the hallway, where Kelly and Brenda (SO PRETTY HERE! Minus the poop-coated tea cozy she's wearing, that is) are talking colleges, and Kelly says, "Ooo, listen to this one: Washington & Lee University, the male/female ratio is 20 to 1. Sounds like a perfect place to major in pre-wed," and YES SHE SERIOUSLY SAID "PRE-[FUCKING-]WED." Kelly is setting the Women's Movement back by at least 1700 years this episode. 

So then Brenda turns to Donna, who's wearing the top half of Brandon's Canadian Tuxedo, and asks her, "What about you, Don?" And Donna gets this stinkface on and says, "I don't know. I mean, we have a long time before we have to start worrying about college. So, why start now?" and then walks off all pissy up the stairs. Brenda asks Kelly, "Did she get her scores yet?" and Kelly, seeming concerned for someone other than herself for once in her goddamn existence, says, "If she did, she's not talking." 

So then we cut to...some kind of class, which includes Brenda, Kelly, Donna, Steve, and those two 35-year-old dudes in the background there. Also: we don't really have a very good shot of the teacher, but it's the same lady who will come back in Season 8 as a child-welfare advocate who assists in getting Dylan's half-sister Erica (played by a different actress than in Season 4) off the streets as a drug-addicted prostitute. Yes, I just seriously wrote all of that. Then, later that season, she's the same character, only she's changed careers and become some adoption...person, and she helps a gay couple get custody of a baby abandoned by Jessica Alba at the free clinic where Kelly works. Oh, and Kelly's a big, old homophobic snatch, and acts all creepy and The Hand That Rocks The Cradle about it. Yes, I seriously just wrote all of that. THEN (!) in Season 10, she comes back as A COMPLETELY NEW CHARACTER, this time, Janet and Steve's obstetrician or gynecologist or whoever you see when you're going to birth out a baby. So basically, THIS WOMAN WAS ON CALL FOR THIS SHIT SHOW FOR TEN GODDAMN YEARS. The only saving graces in her career were guest spots on The Facts of Life and Walker, Texas Ranger. 29-years later, let me get to my point: this teacher says something like, "Remember people, I want quality, not quantity," and Kelly is sort of funny and kind of stage whispers to Brenda, "Don't let her fool you. Fill those pages." 

And then Donna starts losing it...

...and looks around all uncomfortably...

...and even though we've never previously seen Donna having problems with taking tests (e.g. in Mr. "I Guess He's Dead Now" Danzel's class), she starts to cry...

...and then FLIPS OUT, lying and saying, "Ow! Ow, um, Mrs. Theodore! I don't know, my contact, something's wrong. I gotta go to the nurse!" and then she bolts out the door. 

Oh! But first! Here's the back of Consummate Beverly Hills, 90210 Actress Beverly Nero's shabby-haired head. Note: her hair gets NO better in subsequent seasons.

PUKE. Brandon is just such a dweeb. So he's all engrossed and captivated by Roger's shoddily-written script...

...and then Cray-Zarian (SEE WHAT I DID THERE???) comes up on and sits way too close to Brandon, like, NO ONE WOULD SIT THAT CLOSE IN REAL LIFE. I mean, some people might. But those are the types of people you spray in the eyes with your Designer Imposters perfume or back away from really abruptly to make them feel like the psych ward candidates they truly are. So Roger says, "So what do you think? Should I chuck college and try my fame and fortune at being a screenwriter?" and then, HEAVE, "So, you get to any of the uh, hot sex scenes?" UH HUH. BECAUSE AN 18-YEAR-OLD GUY WOULD HAVE SO MUCH EXPERIENCE IN THE "HOT SEX" DEPARTMENT. So Brandon tells him, "A couple. I'm only a third of the way through. Got a pretty wild imagination," and Roger says, "Truth is stranger than fiction, Brandon," and after what Roger JUST SAID, Brandon reasonably asks, "You mean this is true?" and Roger should probably receive shock treatments once he's institutionalized because he's all, "What do you mean?" I...really can't with this guy.

Also: Roger is dressed like a frumpy Candy Striper. And then Brandon tells him that the script is "riveting," and Roger continues to be a total weirdo with ZERO social skills and says, "Well, thanks. Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment. Listen, I got season tickets to the Dodgers," and Brandon is all, "Is this an invitation?" And Roger is just such a loser and says all non-cryptically, "Well, I'm not gonna be around so I thought maybe you'd like 'em." And Brandon jokingly asks, "Why me? Tryin' to buy me off?" and Roger goes on the defensive for the fifty-third time this episode and says all paranoid-y, "Listen, if you don't want them, there's plenty of people who would." So then Brandon back-pedals, and says that if he, Roger, isn't in a home or, you know, prison (I'm paraphrasing), perhaps they could go to a game together? Roger doesn't confirm this, just gives him the tickets and walks away. Have I said whatever lately? No? Well, WHATEVERWHATEVERWJATEVERWHATEVERWHATEVER.

Back inside West Bev: Dylan's wardrobe is going backwards in terms of assy-ness. It's like he's wearing the shirt-version of a piece of Fruit Stripe Gum. WHY ARE YOU RAIDING STEVE SAUNDERS' CLOSET FOR CLOTHING, DYL-WEED??? PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. So Brandon tracks Dylan down and says, with all the tact of a stampeding rhino, "You and your old two don't always..." and Dylan finishes, "Fully appreciate each other." And The Original Poor Little Rich Boy very OBVIOUSLY does not want to continue with the subject matter, but Brandon barrels ahead with, "Yeah. And, with all his money and how complicated that's made things for you..." and THANK GOD Dylan cuts him off with, "Brandon, what do you wanna ask me?" and Brandon basically inquires how Dylan has prevented himself from, you know, murdering his father, or "Pulling An Azarian," and Dylan's all, "Really wanna know? You. And your sister. You keep me from going over the edge," and...I could accept that Brenda helps him from going over the edge, but Brandon? I'm on suicide watch every time I have to write about the little pocket-sized stool sample.

We're outside sometime later, and I WANT BRENDA'S SUNGLASSES. And Kelly's blazer is hideous, and she tells her Future Love Triangle Costars, "God, I hate essay questions," and Dylan says that he likes them, "'cause there's really no right answer." Whatever. Also: glad to see Brenda and Dylan have reached the Dressing Like Each Other stage in their relationship, what, with their plum-colored pants. So then Brenda spots...

...THIS! Donna, hanging out with some The Real World: Los Angeles reject, smoking a cigarette and wearing really rad sunglasses. And Brenda's all, "I don't believe this! Look at Donna. I mean, first she's ditching class and now she's lighting up in the parking lot? What's gotten into her?" And Dylan thinks he's so clever and says, "I don't think it's what's gotten into her, I think it's what she's getting into," and Kelly thinks she's even cleverer and says, "Trouble." And...I mean. Donna didn't really "ditch" class, per se. She just...lied and skipped out. But I do love that she's hit rock bottom within the matter of a couple of days. Yesterday, she's talking shopping in West Hollywood, and today she's firing up with Suzuki Sidekick-driving ruffians. 

Next there's some rando scene of Roger at his therapist's. And Therapist Man asks, "What about friends?" and Roger is just such a wet blanket and responds with, "What friends? My father says those are the only ones you can't trust." WHATEVER. And then Therapist Dude asks if Roger always listens to his father, and Roger says he doesn't, and then, WHAT A SHOCK, Mr. Therapist says that Roger sounds angry, like, maybe Dr. Perception should start volunteering at The Rap Line with AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea. And then Roger goes off, all, "I won't take orders from him. Although he thinks I'd be better off if I did. What's the point? It's like I don't exist except as a reflection of him. He treats me like one of his assets," and Dr. Therapy 101 asks, "How do you feel about that?" and Roger continues going off, shouting, "How would you feel about that? I wish he were dead, alright? Is that what you wanna hear? I wish he were dead!" and it's all very Partnership For A Drug-Free America's "I learned it by watching you!" PSA from the mid-80s. Although the father and son from that commercial were way better actors.


Cut to: fifteen hours of this.

And this.

And this.

And this: "Is that you, son? Oh, I thought it was you. What is it, son? What are you doing???"

And this: "I know exactly what I'm doing."


And this. See, Roger didn't actually kill his dad; Brandon was just reading the dopey script again. I don't know about you, but I'd MUCH rather watch Roger pump his dad full of lead than have to deal with Brandon, EVER. ANYway, Cindy comes to his door in her Jaclyn Smith Blue Light Special Robe, and startles him, saying, "It's awfully late, isn't it?" And Brandon's all, "Uh, yeah, I guess I just lost track of the time." And then Cindy comments know what? NO ONE CARES.

The next whatever, Brenda comes into Brandon's room, wearing some acid-washed-looking grossosity robe, griping at Brandon about using the last of the toothpaste. And Brandon's all distracted, but he tells her that he's just thinking abut Roger's script, and Brenda's all, "Tell me it got even more weird by the end." And Brandon says that it did, and that it was really hard for him to relate to it, and that Roger is very guarded. And then Brenda brings up Dunce Donna, saying, "Must be's the same deal with Donna, she just won't open up to me and I'm supposed to one of her best friends. Maybe we should set them up together," and I wouldn't suggest that, given Roger's propensity to, you know, assassinate loved ones.

GAG ME. So later at West Bev: Roger apparently borrowed Dylan's Fruit-Striped Gum shirt. And Steve catches up with Roger and says to him, "Hey, Rodge! How does it feel to be heading to the best in the west?" and Roger tells him to, "Chill, Steve," which someone should say to Steve A LOT. And then Steve makes the grave mistake of replying with, "C'mon, what school would turn down a guy with your track record, and your father!"

So while mentally adding Steve to the list of people he's going to serial kill after he takes out his father, Roger ALTOGETHER NOW gets all shitty and paranoid and defensive and asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" And then Steve is all, "Nothing. Nothing. Sorry," and then probably backs away super-slowly so as not to spook Apeshit Azarian.

Cut to: Kelly's shirt being...odd? It's like, got a built-in kerchief? And Brenda's hair looks okay, while her blazer looks like septic tank remnants. And they're still going on about college, with Kelly all, "I figured out the two priorities when we apply for colleges, it's either sun or snow...University of Hawaii for the beach, or U of Colorado for the skiing," and, go with Hawaii, Kelly. I don't want your bedraggled vagina stinking up my home state.

So who should approach the girls other than Mrs. "Harriet Strathmore" Teasley! And she nicely tells them, "I've got your scores. Very well done. Congratulations." Aww. She asks them if they've seen Donna, which they haven't, and then tells them that Donna missed a meeting with her. I guess about the SAT. For a Vice Principal, Mrs. Teasley is very invested in GUIDANCE COUNSELING. AND WILL BE FOR MANY MOONS TO COME. And then she'll be just sad and pathetic in the series finale when, FOR FUCK KNOWS WHAT REASON, she's invited to Donna's bachelorette party...WHY? I mean, seriously. So after Mrs. Teasley walks away, Kelly tells Brenda, "Donna wasn't even at school today," and then she's A GIANT BLOODY AX WOUND AND SAYS, "Maybe she had a bad hair day." Maybe YOU'RE THE WORST FRIEND EVER. Like, one of your best friends is obviously going through something, but hey! Let's just make idiotic jokes and inappropriate comments instead of, oh, I don't know HELPING HER. GOD. THANKFUCKINGFULLY, Brenda's there to say, "Something's going on with her. I just wish she'd tell us."

West Bev parking lot: Brandon catches up with Roger and asks, "Got a minute? I'm writing the story tonight, I wanna go over a couple of last minute questions," and Roger tells him to hop in. I really hope Roger takes this car ride as an opportunity to take both him AND Brandon out in one fell drive-off-a-cliff.

So Brandon gets in the Probably Death-Mobile, and Roger sees Dylan and Brenda in Dylan's Raging Boner Inducer-Mobile and asks Brandon, "That's your sister over there, isn't it?" and Brandon just thinks he's so bad-to-the-bone and answers, "Yeah. If our friends in Minneapolis could see us now." If these supposed Minneapolis "friends" (imaginary ones, I assume) could see you now, Large Guy, they'd probably drop to their knees and thank all the clouds in the sky that you are almost 2,000 miles away from them. 

PUKE. Brandon and his Patented Smarmy Fuckwit Brandon Face, and Roger and his...face (I'm just saying...Matthew Perry definitely got better with age) pull up beside Dylan's car, and Roger wants to play Rebel Without A Cause or some shit, because he asks, "Yo, Dylan. How 'bout we see what these clunkers are made of?"

And because Dylan's Too Cool For School he's all, "No, thanks. I already know what mine can do." I would love Dylan right now, except for THAT SHIRT. FUCK. NO. And as Roger speeds off, hopefully toward he and Brandon's untimely deaths, he asks Brenda, "What is he trying to prove?" and Brenda states the obvious: "Brandon says he's got some big problems," and Dylan echoes my sentiments and says, "What that guy's got is a death wish. And with any luck, he'll take Brandon with him." Only maybe not that last part.

Onto Fred Segal, where Brenda runs into Donna, who got Brenda's memo and wore her dung-colored finest. And Donna's acting all odd and distant, and perhaps she should join Roger in the asylum, because this very abrupt shift in mood and personality is somewhat alarming. So Donna's all, "Oh, hi," and then walks away from Brenda, and Brenda's all, "'Oh, hi,' is that all that you can say? Didn't you get our messages, Kelly and I have been calling you all day." And then for some reason, Donna turns into a huge CUNT and accusingly asks, "Hmm, so you tracked me down here, huh?" which Brenda denies, saying, "No, actually, Dylan's upstairs picking up a sports coat. What's wrong with you?" And I would say, "A LOT," but no one asked me.

And then they end up in a dressing room, and Brenda says, "Donna, come on. You've been avoiding us, you've been cutting classes, you've been hanging out with people you wouldn't have even dealt with before," and Donna tells her to get used to it, and Brenda asks what's going on, and Donna says, "While you guys are pledging sororities, I'll be lucky if I can even get a job. I'm an idiot, Brenda. A total idiot." Given her past, present, and future tastes in clothing, men (see the first paragraph of this blog), and humor, I wholeheartedly agree. And Brenda AGAIN asks her what she's talking about like, seriously SPIT IT OUT, and Donna finally drops the Bomb of Truth: "What, do you want me to spell it out for you? 300 Math, 320 Verbal." And Brenda is...really unhelpful, actually, and just says, "Oh, my god," all disgusted and shit. But then she sort of rebounds and says, "It's only a test," like, thanks for bringing up memories of the previous dreadful episode, Bren. And Donna's all Sad Clown and says, "Well, it's just like my mom says; I better find a rich guy to marry me. 'Cause I'm too stupid to take care of myself," and don't you just love Our Felice???

Roger's house. Brandon: "I love this car. "You could've killed me but I love this car." Roger: "Well, I'll leave it to you in my will," and maybe stop beating around the GODDAMN BUSH and just do yourself in already and call it a fucking day! Brandon: "Hey, I finished your script." Roger: "Oh, yeah. What'd you think? Oscar written all over it?" Carly: "So, not only are you some kind of lunatic, but you also have delusions of grandeur?" Bran: "There's a lot of real stuff in there. Character's you, right?" Roger: "Get real, Walsh." Carly: "NO ONE CA...oh, fucking forget it."

Inside the mansion: Mr. Azarian's talking shop, all, "We'll move ten thousand shares on the boards, save the rest for the New York opening. Hey, I don't care what they think in Tokyo. I'm not interested in trading Yen. If they wanna swap Deutsch marks that's a different story," and BooooOOOORING.

Brandon and Roger come in and Roger asks after the mail. Mr. A. hands him an envelope with a, "Stanford. It appears a little thin," and then they get all trashy and start fighting in front of Brandon, with Roger accusing, "What's the matter, Dad? Afraid we didn't get in? Why don't you open it? Means a hell of a lot more to you than it does to me," and Brandon attempts to extract himself from the situation by saying, "Uh, I left my books out in the car. I'm just..." and Mr. A. is fortunately not a complete bag of rubbish, because he agrees with Brandon, telling him, "Yeah, give us a few minutes, will ya?" But because Roger apparently belongs on Jenny Jones all, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" he tells Brandon to stay. Brandon tells him that it's okay, he'll just wait in the hall. 

But of course Meddlesome Brandon leaves the office doors open slightly, the better to eavesdrop...which I would've done as well, actually. And the Azarian's keep going, with the senior saying, "Damn! You didn't want me to make another gift, you wanted to do it on your own merit. Who did it hurt? We tried it your way, and you didn't cut it. Now I'm taking over. I have worked too long and too hard at this to let you throw my love for you back in my face!" and Roger tells him, "Love? This isn't about love." And then Brandon or someone starts chanting "Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!" because this trash-dog fight would've been right at home on that show, too. 

So then Roger comes out to the hallway, and tells Brandon, "Listen, can you go home? I don't think this is going to blow over for a while," and Brandon says that it's no problem, he'll just grab his books from Roger's car and walk. And then he actually sounds sincere for once in his pathetic life and says, "Sorry about Stanford," and then he asks if Roger's going to be alright, and I'm not sure who this impostor is, but I'd love to know what they did with The Real Brandon Walsh.

So he goes to grab his books and finds THIS in Roger's PorscheOMG! Or not at all. Hey, Brandon? Can you turn that thing a little more to your left, so that you're staring down the barrel? And then see that curved trigger underneath the barrel there? How about you give it a good squeeze?

Later. Still. Brandon calls AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, with just nasty hair and matching nasty Steve SAUNders Special'ed up shirt at the Rap Line. And AHHHHHHHHNdrea, creaming her panties, pretends to scold Brandon with, "Brandon, you know you're not supposed to call me here," like AS IF, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA. And thank THE WORLD Brandon bursts her little bubble when he tells her, "This isn't personal," like, NO KIDDING. And that he says that he doesn't know what to do, and that he found a gun in Roger's car, and that Roger didn't get into Stanford and his dad is freaking out and that, "Nobody believes me. Not Brenda, not the police, but I really think he's gonna do it. He's gonna kill his father," and AHHHHHHHHNdrea asks, "You called the police? What did they say?" and Brandon replies, "There's nothing they can do," which seems...irresponsible. I don't really know laws or whatever, but you'd think they'd at least pay a visit to Azarian Manor. AHHHHHHHNdrea tells him, "Brandon, this is out of my league. I mean, what makes you so sure you're right?" and Brandon says, "I'm not. But what if I am?"

Later. STILLLLLLLLLL. In the House of Walsh kitchen, Brandon has shown Jim Roger's creepy script. And he says, "AHHHHHNdrea thinks you can't help somebody who doesn't wanna be helped," and Jim should Buy A Clue and unhelpfully responds, "I respect what you're trying to do, Brandon. But you don't even know if this kid needs help," and I would say ANYONE WHO'S EVER TALKED WITH "THIS KID" WOULD THINK HE NEEDS HELP, considering how overly-suspicious and jumpy and defensive he is. SHUT UP, JAY SHERMAN.

So then Brandon, looking a little maniacal here himself, tells his father, "You don't know him, Dad. He's one of those kids who you look at and it seems like he's got it all. I mean, I wanted everything he had. The house, the car, the freshmen fan club. But he's all messed up inside. I don't know what to do," and AGAIN, Brandon is being somewhat thoughtful and aware of others' feelings and it's giving me the ooks in a major, major way. So Jim tells him, "Well, I guess the best thing you can do is talk to him. Tell him what you're thinking and maybe he'll open up. Maybe he needs a friend." Or maybe he needs a new target for gun practice. SMELL YA LATER, BRANDO.

Later: Brandon's Mad Investigative SkillZ at work, y'all! 

So he calls out, "Hello? Anybody home? Hello? Roger?" and no one answers, and then he hearkens back to Roger's dumbass script, in which the Robert character gets into his own house (???) with a key hidden under the doormat or some shit. So, Brandon is PURE GENIUS and realizes that since Roger's story is 1000% transparent...I mean "autobiographical," a key will actually be under the doormat. AND IT IS.

He lets himself in, so now, not only will his fingerprints be all over the gun, they'll be all over the Azarian house, so that when Mr. Azarian ends up buying the farm due to multiple gunshot wounds to his upper torso, Brandon will be the first one the cops come looking for. Anyway, he heads back to Mr. A.'s office, and gets flashbacks of the moronic script again, some more, and more asinine Halloween music plays, and Brandon adding breaking and entering to his rap sheet was all for naught, as he doesn't find the elder Azarian's bullet-riddled body halfway to rigor mortis anywhere in the house.

The next day at school, Brandon approaches The Greatest American Hero and Kelly, wearing what appears to be a cute green blazer, and asks Steve, "Roger Azarian? You seen him today?" And doesn't Roger have any actual friends Brandon could be asking instead of worthless Steve? So Steve tells him to check the tennis courts, and Brandon takes off, and Kelly's all, "What's with him?" and Dumb Steve dumbly replies, "I dunno."

Cut to Brenda in Mrs. Teasley's office, where the vice principal has for some reason decided to wear football shoulder pads beneath her blouse. And Brenda says, "Look, Donna's not a loser [ debatable, but whatever]. You've got to help her." And Mrs. T. tells her, "Brenda, I appreciate that you're concerned, but it's not really appropriate for me to be discussing Donna's situation with you."

And then Brenda, wearing a cute blazer, even though it's the color of turd soup, is all, "Yeah, but it's not fair that you just write her off," and Mrs. T. tells her that she's not writing her off; that she has a meeting with Donna later that day to discuss her future and options and blah blah blah. And Brenda says that not everyone's college material, and that Donna's test scores and grades don't show how smart she really is (NO COMMENT) and Mrs. Teasley agrees and says, "That's why I'm meeting with her today...c'mon honey, gimme a little credit," and then Brenda is all embarrassed. And isn't it funny that Brenda, who has known Donna for maybe a total of six months, cares enough to speak to someone about her situation and be her cheerleader, but Kelly, who has supposedly known Donna for almost her ENTIRE LIFE, is too busy flirting with her goon ex-boyfriend and probably plotting her Pilfering Of Dylan to give three fucks about her oldest friend. In conclusion: KELLY IS A DIARRHEA WHORE.

Back to Man On A Mission Brandon. He approaches Coach Markham, West Bev's tennis coach. So before Brandon can even really say anything, this complete weirdo goes off all, "Oh, hi ya, Walsh. You can quote me on this: we're going to beat Beverly Hills High School this weekend," and the way he talks is like a 1940s cub reporter or something. It's quite bizarre. And Brandon's basically like, "Whatever. Uh, Azarian playing?" And Coach M. says, "Not if he misses another practice," and that it's not like him. Also: Coach Markham has an odd bulge, all horizontal or whatever.

Then it's back to The Blaze office, where Brandon starts looking through the script, again, telling AHHHHHHHHNdrea, "I've called his house all day, no answer, he's not home, he didn't show up for school, his father's not in his office," and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, looking the inside of a Porta John, tells him, "Brandon, this isn't a Hardy Boys mystery. What do you think he did, chopped his father up and buried him in the backyard?" an WHY IS BRANDON STILL COMING TO HER FOR ANYTHING??? But he keeps at it, all, "It's like he's playing some bizarre game of cat and mouse. I keep thinking that if I look at this closely enough I'll find the answer," and then, I guess it dawns on him that Roger's in his poolhouse, because he blurts out, "Oh, my god. No phones, no father, no interruptions," just like Roger-as-"Robert" mentioned earlier in the episode while attempting to entice "Janine" to join him there. He tells Clod AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to, "Cover for me in Chemistry," and takes off.

He runs into Tech Class, or whatever it fucking is, and asks Dylan, who looks HEINOUS and all of his 47-years here, for his keys to the Speedster so that he can go find Roger. And by "so that he can go find Roger" I of course mean, "so that he can discover the bodies."

I AM SO OVER THIS. Let's just...plow right through it. Donna, wearing...something that doesn't have a word, like the shirt-version of Hammer pants or something, goes to see Mrs. T., who mentions that, "It wasn't until junior high school that your grades fell off so dramatically. Do you have any idea why?" and Donna's a "smart" aleck and tells her, "I started noticing guys more?" and Mrs. T. prods her some more, and Donna says that she just can't take tests, but that she understands everything in class. With a test, her brain overloads and she goes blank. THIS IS BORING. So then Mrs. T. suggests that she has a learning disability, and that the teachers could read the test questions aloud to help her. So Donna agrees, and all's well that ends well. Or something. Also: I know they hadn't rooted out all of Our Felice's Awesome Personality Traits in Season 1, because if they had, there's no way IN HELL that the beloved Felice Martin I came to know and worship would have NOT noticed her daughter's declining grades and done something about it. NO WAY. NO HOW. Are we done here? Yes? Good.

Oh, lord. Speaking of Things I Am Over.

So Dweeb Brandon sees Sad Sack Roger and yells, "Roger! Roger! It's Brandon, open the door," and I hate to break it to Brandon, but I don't think name-dropping yourself is going to get Roger to open the door any faster.

But Roger lets him in, and he's all disheveled and drunk off beer and tells Brandon to, "Join the party." 

And Roger's got the gun and Brandon asks why and Roger tells him, "Shooting practice." And then he guns down something across the room. And then no one cares. Some more. Again. And Brandon tells him to knock it off and to put the gun away, but Roger says that he needs it. So Brandon tells him, "No you don't. Look, I know you're angry at your father but killing him's not the answer," and Roger says that he's not going to kill his father, and Brandon asks about the script, and Roger tells him, "It's only a movie, Brandon!" Yes, because your behavior thus far hasn't shown ANY evidence of someone who's capable of murder. WHATEVER. And then, GET OUT THE VIOLINS, "What good would it be anyway, I'd still be a failure [YES I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD BE CONSIDERED A FAILURE IF YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER]. Take a look around you. My whole life has been Can You Top This?"

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. So then Roger asks, "You ever look down the barrel of a loaded gun?" and does this and if there isn't some kind of body count at the end of this episode, I just don't know what.

And then he tells Brandon to go home, that, "You don't wanna see this," and Brandon says, "You're right. I don't. Let me help you, man. Let me be your friend." And then Roger invokes the title of the show that will make Matthew Perry a millionaire many, many times over and says, "Friends? I don't have friends!" And Brandon is a non-festering rectum wart for once in his life and says, "I'm your friend, Roger. Don't do this. Give me the gun. C'mon."

So Brandon gets the gun away from him in a very non-tense, non-pivotal moment, and then Matthew Perry tries to cry but it doesn't work and is mostly just unintentionally hilarious.

And Brandon looks at him like this which is exactly how I'm looking at him, too.

Sometime later or whatever at school. Kelly looks fantastic...from the neck up. And Donna's hair looks sort-of nourished and her dress isn't like, The Worst or anything. And Brenda's hair...just BANGS, Brenda. ALWAYS BANGS. Her shirt doesn't look too bad, although her jeans are currently residing inside of her cervical walls. And Donna says all smugly, "Well, there's some fancy name for it, but the bottom line is I'm not a dummy," and Brenda says, "Well, we knew that," and I would say you knew that, Brenda, but Kelly was too busy raking her bush with a fine-toothed comb for pubic mites to care.

So then these three are standing around, all looking they should have braided rat tails and rusted-out Firebirds occupying their front lawns. Dylan tells Brandon, "Hey, I've been lookin' for you. Next time you take my car, put gas in it," and Steve's all, "You loaned him your car? What, are you crazy?" and Brandon says that he'll make it up to Dylan, and gives Dylan and Steve the Dodgers' tickets Roger had given him. Dylan asks, "Where'd you get these?" and Brandon cheesily says, "A friend."

Cut to: the hospital. And Mr. Azarian is coming out of Roger's room, and he and Brandon start talking, and Jason Priestley must have stood on a milk crate to get the camera angle in this scene, because, per previous evidence, Mr. Azarian is Sasquatch and Brandon is technically A Little Person. MOVING ON. So Mr. A. tells Brandon, "You can go on in, he'll be glad to see you," and then he thanks him and says, "Brandon, uh, we're both getting help." Which, THANK GOODNESS. YOU'RE BOTH TOTAL MENTAL DEFICIENTS.

So Brandon heads into Roger's room, and they might want to remove those magazines, so Roger doesn't, like, papercut himself to death or something. ("You ever stare down the cover of a People magazine?") So Brandon asks how he's feeling, and I would've answered, "Embarrassed as fuck," but all Roger says is, "Got a pretty mean hangover." And then he asks, "So tell me, was life any easier in Minnesota?" OH. GOD, Brandon tells him, "Maybe a little. We used to go to the lakes on weekends. Fish, go camping, it was cool." and I had forgotten that Brandon was the 90s answer to Huck Finn. Anyway, he tells Roger, "I want you to know I'm not going to write about any of this."

But because all Roger probably wanted in the first place was attention, he tells Brandon, "No, I want you to. I can't hold it inside any longer," so LET'S AIR YOUR FILTHY FUCKING LAUNDRY TO THE ENTIRETY OF WEST BEV MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME. And then Roger asks why Brandon isn't at the baseball game, and Brandon says that he thought they could watch it together, and Roger tells him that there isn't a television in the room, but Brandon hokily says, "Roger, that's what friends are for," and thankfully he doesn't start singing the Dionne Warwick And Friends version of the song by the same name, but he does pull out his Bitsy Brandon-Sized TV and set it on the table. And apparently Roger was eventually successful in offing himself since We Never See Him Again. Also: Matthew Perry? STICK WITH COMEDY FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

Check you back here next time for YET ANOTHER FUCKING episode where Brandon is the focal point, "Spring Training," in which he plays the role of Persecuted Little League Coach Who Must Teach Rich Beverly Hills Assholes A Lesson By Using Poor Kids And Worthless Nat As Pawns. Sound thrilling? Of course not! Also: we're ONE EPISODE AWAY from Dylan and Brenda's Doing Of The It! I've never been so excited at the mere thought of someone losing their virginity. See you on the flip side!

All images courtesy of, Google.


  1. " ... they might want to remove those magazines, so Roger doesn't, like, papercut himself to death or something. ("You ever stare down the cover of a People magazine?")"


    I too love, love, Matthew Perry, but you're right, he cannot muck around with drama again. Know your strengths, Perry, my friend.

    And while you are quickly convincing me of Brandon's turd-ness, I can't get on board with Brenda's OK-ness. I never could stand her. I mean, going to the guidance counselor and accusing her of not doing her job, while possessing exactly one percent of the relevant information? TURD CITY.

  2. I'm not sure if Brandon stepped his break-and-entering-game up or down by the time he smashed his way into Dylan's house when no-one answered the doorbell.