Season 1; Ep. 18 - It's Only A Test: Of My Patience. Get It? No? Whatever. I Don't Have The Energy. Enjoy This Soul-Sucking Episode. That's All I Got.

In which...whatever. This thing took me FOR.EV.ER. to finish. Obviously. But THANK ALL THE HEAVENS, it's just this one, and then four more, and then WE'RE DONE WITH EXECRABLE SEASON 1. And then we get to the kind-of-crummy Season 2 Summer episodes. And then some not-so-great, ACTUAL Junior-year episodes. So, okay. Like, MANY MORE EPISODES TO GO BEFORE THE FAIR-TO-MIDDLING PART OF SEASON 2. But I mean, there are still moments of "good" to come in Season 1; things like...Matthew Perry's performance as Rich Kid Mental Patient Roger Azarian? Except that that's more "unintentionally hilarious" than anything. And...I guess like, Brenda and Dylan Doing The It on the night of the Spring Dance? So fine, they're few and far between. But we're going to wade through the remaining crud together. Crud like this one. Where Brenda might have breast cancer. But totally doesn't. And Loathsome Steve and Equally As Loathsome AHHHHHHHNdrea kiss. And then an entire nation contemplates becoming Amish and throwing their televisions into the nearest dumpster. So, let's just...limp towards the finish line, okay? Hit it.

We open on these two jerks. Who have apparently become big fans of earth-tone-colored clothing of late, since THAT'S ALL THEY EVER SEEM TO WEAR. It's gross. Not that some of the Sinbadian shirts Steve wears in the coming years will be anything to celebrate. It's called Somewhere In The Middle, Steve. You should take a visit there sometime. ANYhow, Steve's going on and on about some "Alfred B. Cook" course that he's taking to prep for the upcoming SATs. Brandon's all, "You can't study for the SATs," and Steve shows him some brochure deal, and says, "They offer this special accelerator crash course, okay? I'm only thinking of you, buddy. You know what they say: Alfred B. Cook or You B. Fried," and I think this is the fastest that I've ever begun to hate Steve in an episode. So Brandon's all, "It's $500!" and because Steve is lacking in EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD except for money, he says, "So?" And THANK GOD Brandon's there to tell this shitsicle, "Forget it. You can't make up for 16 years of of ignorance in one week," and Steve continues sucking all, "Yeah, well that's true. But it's incredible what you can do in one month." WHATEVER.

Also: WHAT IN MATTED LABRADOODLE PELT HELL is going on on top of Steve's head? Like, if I were Ian Ziering, I would've sued the hair people who worked on 90210 for emotional distress for making me look goddamn HIDEOUS week after week, for years and years. I've mentioned before that the erstwhile Steve SAUNders is actually a pretty handsome dude (EXCEPT NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE CHIPPENDALES). I just...I think they really could've done a better job on his hair than...whatever this is. And we haven't even gotten to his Ultimate Mullet Phase, which is infinitely worse, if you can even imagine that being possible. So anyway. Moving on.

Brandon luckily ditches Steve and heads into the Blaze office, where he unfortunately has to deal with AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's chewing on a pencil. Brandon is rightly grossed out by this all, "You know, I've wondered who's been masticating all the pencils around here," and AHHHHHHNdrea starts to get all suspicious with, "'Masticating'? Why did you use that word?" and Brandon doesn't catch on and says, "Because every time I turn around to grab a new pencil it's like, uch! Teeth marks," which was actually fairly funny.

GADS. Speaking of shitty hair. ANYway, AHHHHHHHHNdrea goes off, all, "Yeah, but you could've said chewed; I mean, 'masticating' is the kind of word they use on the SATs, the kind of word that you learn at one of those expensive SAT prep courses," and Brandon mentions Alfred B. Cook and AHHHHHHHHNdrea turns ALL accusatory, "I knew you were taking one of those prep courses! Let me just tell you something, Brandon, okay? That puts you at an unfair advantage over those people who cannot afford those expensive courses," meaning unseemly people who live in The Valley. And then Brandon basically gives her the same speech that he gave to Steve: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your fire, AHHHHHNdrea. First of all, I'm not taking one of those courses, Steve is. And second of all, I don't think they work. The SATs are designed to test you on stuff you already know, you can't cram for them."

And then AHHHHHHHHNdrea LOSES IT (her shit, that is) and says, "Then again, maybe you can! Maybe, just maybe there is some kind of system! Brandon, I am so bad at standardized testing [YEAH, RIGHT. AHHHHHHHHNdrea's totally one of those goons who ADORES standardized testing], I mean the colleges, they look at them as if they're gospel and I don't know what to do, I mean, this..." and then Brandon literally shakes her out of her babbling psychosis (although I wish a slap would've been involved as well...and possibly a roundhouse kick or two to her ugly combover-hair) and tells her, "Get a grip! We're talking about test you can retake twice if you want to. A test that's..." and then she interrupts with, "Going to determine whether I go to Princeton...or Pacoima." And then Brandon uses his Mad Investigative Journalistic SkillZ and asks if she's been talking to Steve. She says she has; that she "ran into him at my locker." Also: AHHHHHHHNdrea's jacket might be cute on anyone else. ALSO-also: Gabrielle Carteris should've been a co-plantiff in Ian Ziering's imaginary lawsuit against the show's hair styling team.

Cut to: Kelly's bedroom, which gives my retinas second degree burns and my bowels a case of Traveler's Diarrhea, minus the trip to some third-world country. ANYhow. The Three Back-To-Amigos are studying for the SATs as well, and Donna asks, "Apotheosis?" and Brenda responds, "It's like, the best," and Donna tells her she's right, and then Kelly chimes in with, "Sort of like, Patrick Swayze is the apotheosis of adorable," and HELLO, EARLY-NINETIES. Although, Patrick Swayze was a dreamboat from forever ago, so I'll allow it. May he rest in peace. And do you know how much I would prefer to go on and on about how RAD Patrick Swayze was, rather than recapping this episode any further? We're talking infinities more, people. And you know I don't throw that word around willy-nilly (yes, I do, at every opportunity). And then Donna asks, "Autodidact?" and Kelly Is A Moron Forever and thinks she's clever and says, "Isn't that something Madonna did in her last video?" and Brenda asks if it has anything to do with cars (which is what I would've, apparently, ignorantly assumed) and Donna tells them, "It means 'a person who is self-taught.' Hmm. Like us." Which...I guess? But mostly Taught By Their Teachers. So...shut up, Donna.

So then Kelly's hair's not looking too good and kind of greasy here, and she non-sequiturs, "You guys, what's the difference between malignant and benign?" and I would again fault Kelly for lacking in any kind of brain power that doesn't involve sucking dick, but I probably didn't know the meaning of either of those words when I was 16. Or perhaps I was just as dim as Kelly. So Brenda informs her that benign is harmless, which Brainiac Donna confirms (WHATEVER) and Kelly apparently needs more clarification (per her previously mentioned dimness) and asks, "So malignant, it's bad, like a malignant tumor is the bad kind, right?" And Brenda says yes, and then, "What are you reading?" Kelly tells her, "It's this test for breast cancer, you know, checking yourself for lumps," which Donna says is "something my mom does. I mean, we don't have to worry about that stuff at our age." Which is generally true. But I recall my pediatrician telling me I should start practicing around the age of 14. Kelly agrees with my childhood doctor and is all sunshine and roses and says, "I know. But it says here it's never too early to start the habit. One out of nine American women will get breast cancer, and out of those, one out of four will die."

So then Debbie Downer Brenda just has to say, "My aunt died of cancer." And Kelly is decent for once in her goddamn existence and says, "God, Brenda. I'm sorry." But really, she's probably just buying time while thinking about how to make it All About Kelly. So Donna asks when, and then Brenda tells them the woeful tale: "Two years ago. It was my mom's younger sister, my favorite aunt. I mean, it first started in her breast and she had to get, you know, a mastectomy. They thought that it was over but six months later it came back. Entered through her lymph system or something. She died on her birthday." Which. JESUS. Brenda's aunt is just like Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott! i.e., her death-day is the same day as her birthday. So this episode is not only dumb, but also really depressing. Fucking put me out of my misery.

Donna asks how old Brenda's aunt was, you know, when she died on her birthday, and Brenda tells them that she was 35. And so to make Brenda feel better, Kelly decides to do a striptease. I mean, I assume that's what she started to do, but then realized that that would be inappropriate, so covered with some line about all of them doing the breast exam together, which...I don't think I would've done that in front of my friends. In middle school, I used to change for gym class in a toilet stall, though, so who am I to talk? ANYwhatever, Kelly tells them that this self-breast groping could save their lives, which is more than they can say about the SATs. Also: I AM SO VERY, VERY BORED. And can I just ask HOW BLOODY VAIN DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO HAVE MULTIPLE (REALLY GROSS) PAINTINGS OF YOUR FACE HANGING ABOVE YOUR GODDAMN BED??? Also: the Demon Kelly one should be lit on fire. And then extinguished with asparagus-laden piss. And then the "artist" who created it should be tracked down, also set ablaze, and then have their flaming body pushed off the Observation Deck of the Empire State Building. Also-also: she looks like a 99¢ Store version of Aja Leith from Jem and the Holograms in that first picture there. Although, you know...not Asian.

Yup.

So then I guess none of the girls are wearing bras? And I guess Kelly did her lying-down portion of the exam before? In PSA Speak, you're supposed to do it both ways. And then you're supposed to stand in front of a mirror with your hands on your hips, and then with your arms over your head, and look for any changes in contour or dimpling, etc. And yes, for reference: this blog saves lives. Don't say I never helped anyone. ANYMYGOD, everyone proclaims "All clear," on the right side, so they move over to the left. And then Kelly makes some lame comment about having Dylan do this for Brenda, like, WHATEVER. You'll be getting him to do it to you soon enough, you two-timing snatch. And then Donna says, "Aren't you glad you used Dial?"  and oh, how very...banal.

So then Kelly says, "Finally, feel the lower outer portion of your breast going from the outer part to the nipple. All clear?" and Brenda's very obviously not all clear, and gets this look on her face and I wish I could get all lathered up about a 16-year-old potentially having breast cancer, but I just...can't with this. I'm sure that it's happened, but the chances are so miniscule. Although, being a consummate hypochondriac from the age of 5, I'm surprised I didn't think I had breast cancer after watching this episode for the first time. When I was eleven. I was probably too busy worrying about a paper cut that I had on my finger turning gangrenous and throwing my body into septicemia. You think I'm kidding.

Later that night, we get this shot of Brenda feeling herself up...with the bathtub faucet running? Because she didn't want dink Brandon to hear her giving herself a breast exam? These Walsh people are fucking weird. Anyway, Brandon calls her downstairs for dinner. No one, including protozoa, continues to care.

So Brenda arrives at the formal Walsh dining room settee (and because I am The Most Bestest LOSER Of All The World, I have always wondered how Cindy decided which meals they would eat in the kitchen, and which meals they would eat out in the dining room; does anyone else anywhere obsess over these things the way I do? No? I should probably jam a letter opener into my femoral artery and call in a life, you say? I'll probably have to do that by the end of this episode anyway, so no problem.), after Stupid Jim and Stupid Brandon and even Stupid Cindy having been talking smack about her. Nothing of importance happens in this scene (OR THIS EPISODE) other than Brenda yells at Brandon (which someone should do all day every day, along with repeatedly kicking him in the nutsack) about the SATs.

Oh, and Brandon makes this face at some point during the exchange and I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

Later. Still. Brenda comes into Jim and Cindy's Den Of Iniquity in her adorable striped pajamas, and asks if Cindy will...fondle her boob. Or come into her room. Whatever.

They go to Brenda's room, and Brenda explains, "So, we were all at Kelly's studying for the SATs, and she was reading this magazine and it had this thing in it about it, you know, where you check your breasts for lumps...we all decided to do it, I don't know why, I guess we were just bored." And Cindy tells her, "Honey, that's not something you need to worry about as a teenager," which...I think the VAST majority of teen girls would not have anything to worry about cancer-wise, but I also think it's probably a good habit to get into at an early age. Brenda and YM or Seventeen or whatever magazine it was agree with me, because she continues, "The article said that even young girls should get into the habit. So, I did the test and I thought that I felt something." So then Cindy puts the moves on her daughter (which in this freakshow-bordering-on-incestuous-family, I wouldn't be surprised), and says that she feels something too, and asks Brenda if it hurts, to which she replies, "No. I mean, I didn't really feel it until I realized it was there, 'til we did this. Don't tell Dad," and I wouldn't want that condescending canine anal gland knowing either, but Jim is actually The NON-Condescending Voice Of Reason in this episode, so whatever.

Cindy tells her that they'll go see a doctor the next day, and that she's sure it's nothing and Brenda has to dredge up the dead with, "Is that what Aunt Sheila thought? When she found a lump on her breast did she think that it was nothing, too?" and even though Cindy's about to be a huge ASS about this very thing, she says, "Honey, it's not the same thing. When you're older, it's different...but it'll be fine, you'll see. There's a good explanation for this, and tomorrow morning, we'll get it." And then she leaves Brenda sitting in bed in the dark. Way to go, Mother Of The Millenia.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. Let's just get through this. Cindy, wearing her Jacklyn Smith For Kmart robe: "I can't believe we've been here six months and we still don't have a family physician! Like Dr. Kellman. You know I'm almost tempted to fly Brenda back to Minneapolis to see him [because that's a reasonable reaction]." Jim, looking the same as always: "I'll ask around at work, I'll find somebody good." Cindy: "I wanna take her in today." Jim: "It's my first priority." Cindy, making it All About Her: "It just brings back so much about Sheila. I mean, she never had a good doctor, that was her problem right from the start. A good specialist would've caught it earlier and would've done the proper surgery when the time came. I still think the chemo was a mistake, wore her down. I think it made her worse." Jim, being understanding yet also BEING COMPLETELY RATIONAL: "Cindy, whatever is wrong with Brenda, has nothing to do with what was wrong with Sheila." Like, I never thought I'd say this, but MARRY ME, JIM. And then Brenda comes in wearing a really horrid denimy-looking dress that would be right at home on say, a piece of poop, and has overheard her parents' conversation, and is all kinds of pissed that Cindy told Jim.

Jim: "Brenda, it's nothing to be embarrassed about." Brenda, desperately needing to change her dress: "Dad, I know that. I just didn't want you getting upset over nothing." Jim: "I'm not upset." Brenda: "Well why not?" Jim, still being totally logical: "Because it could be a million things." Brenda: "Like what?" Jim, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA: "I don't know, maybe it's...well...an ingrown hair." Brenda: "An ingrown hair? On my left breast? I sincerely hope not [even though that's probably more feasible than FUCKING BREAST CANCER AT 16]. You know, Mom, this is why I didn't want you to tell him, this is the kind of explanation Brandon would come up with."

In walks Brandon, needing to get A NEW MOTHER-FUCKING SHIRT, and new hair, and a new personality, and a new face: "What is?" And then because no one, ANYWHERE EVER, wants to talk to Brandon about ANYTHING, Jim, Cindy and Brenda all say, "Nothing!" TAKE THE HINT AND GO INSINUATE YOURSELF INTO THE UNCONTACTED PEOPLES OF THE AMAZON, BRANDO.

WHAT IS WITH ALL THE SHADES OF PURPLE IN THIS SCENE? Later in the morning at school, Kelly's not wearing any pants, just like, jazz nylons or something. And from this angle, Brenda doesn't look nearly as atrocious in that dress. Donna, whatever. They're bored out of their gourds in some science-y class, with the teacher droning on about ears. No, seriously. Kelly's all, "Shoot me before I die of boredom,"  and I say, "GLADLY," and then Brenda sees that Cindy has arrived in class and says, "Shoot me before I die of embarrassment," and remember how shameful it was for you to have to admit that you even had parents? Anyway, Kelly asks why Brenda's mom is there, and Brenda collects her things and says she'll tell them later.

No, I don't know why Cindy's dressed like Nancy Reagan at Ronnie's 1981 swearing-in. And those cowboy boots are...not helping Brenda's tragic Naomi Judd Circa 1986 Festering Boil Dress. ANYhow, Brenda's all, "Mom, I thought we were going to meet after school," and Cindy tells her, "Well, I was but I got an appointment with a doctor who came very highly recommended from one of your fathers' clients [was Jim just calling his clients at random, asking for gynecological recommendations?]; she was booked for the day but she said that she could squeeze you in if we get there before two." And then THIS SERIOUSLY HAPPENS, Brenda's all, "She?" and Cindy smugly answers, "Yes. She." LIKE WHAT YEAR IS THIS ANYWAY? 1943 OR SOMETHING? LIKE A WOMAN DOCTOR WOULD BE SOME BIG DEAL. MY DOCTOR FROM BIRTH IN 1980 WAS A WOMAN, SO WHAT? WHY WOULD IT EVEN BE A THING? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, IT WOULDN'T BE SHUT UP STUPID STUPID SHOW.

So then we're at Dr. Donner's office and let me just tell you that the actress playing her bugs the shit out of me. The hair, the voice, the face, everything. ANYway, Dr. D. (also wearing purple) goes through all the usual back-story questions about the lump, and inquires of the maternal history of breast cancer, and then asks, "Had you ever noticed a breast mass before?" and Brenda remembers having gotten bruised playing volleyball a couple of months before, and I guess she felt something at that point. I don't know. Nor do I care. And then Dr. D. basically tells Cindy to get the fuck out, that she wants to talk to Brenda alone.

So then Dr. D. gets this annoying-ass look on her face, and I really wish they'd found a different actress to play this part, since this lady has the personality of a pile of wet hay, but whatever. And then she feeds Brenda this odd little monologue: "I wanted to talk to you alone because it's important that you realize that your relationship with me is entirely confidential. Nothing you say goes beyond these doors. Not to your parents, not to your clergyman [GOOD TO KNOW THAT SHE'S NOT GOING TO SOMEHOW FIND OUT WHERE BRENDA GOES TO CHURCH ??? AND THEN GO THERE AN ANNOUNCE BRENDA'S MEDICAL ISSUES TO THE CONGREGATION. CRIMINY.], no one. What you tell me is private. And I want you to feel free to come and see me for any reason. Okay?" How about she comes to see you to PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE? WOULD THAT BE OKAY???

And then Dr. Donner does an breast exam on Brenda, and I would bet anything that all of these people copping a feel on Brenda's boobs are getting more action than Dylan's gotten over the course of their relationship. ANYWHENWILLTHISEND, more questions about Brenda's last period, if the lump's changed size at all, Brenda asking if she'll need a mammogram, Dr. D. wanting to do a needle biopsy, Carly time-travelling back to 1997 to buy a can of Surge and then mainlining the contents of said can.

CHRIST ON A CRACKER. Back at West Bev, Steve is wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK and white trash jeans he found in the bargain bin at Goodwill, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's pants come up to her combover, and Brandon still needs another fucking shirt, and jeans that don't reveal whether or not he's been circumcised (hint: HE HAS). So AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "So, where you guys going?" and Brandon's headed to work and Steve is "going to Alfred B. Cook."

And then Brandon leaves these two bowel movements to talk about the SAT course, and AHHHHHHNdrea says, "Could I come over to your house tonight and study with you after class?" and because Steve is delusional in the extreme and has the exact opposite of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and thinks that ALL the girls want him, he says, "Are you asking me for a date?" And AHHHHHHHHHNdrea amazingly doesn't begin projectile vomiting and/or uncontrollably laughing and tells him, "No! No, what I'm asking you for is the Alfred B. Cook advantage. You know, notes, drills, practice tests, secret documents. Whatever you have," and the second Steve "Cretin" SAUNders heard the word "drills," all of the blood probably rushed out of his head and down south towards his, presumably, asphyxiated genitals. But he somehow manages to write down his address and listen as AHHHHHHHNdrea spouts off, "You know, we have a reputation to uphold. Did you know that West Beverly and Beverly Hills High have some of the highest SAT averages in California?" You know, I actually don't think I'd mind if these two got together. And by "I actually don't think I'd mind if these two got together," I of course mean, "Prepare the noose."

CAN WE MOVE THIS ALONG? We're back for the needle biopsy, and Dr. Donner explains, in her most monotone-yet-grating voice, "What I'm going to do is insert the needle and try to withdraw fluid from the lump. Now if there is any fluid, we'll know that what you have is just a cyst, and they'll be nothing more to worry about." So she proceeds with the biopsy, and of course, no fluid comes out, and Cindy flips out really inappropriately. Like, I get that she might be scared and nervous (although, in my opinion, she's completely overreacting) but to actually show this fear in front Brenda? Smooth move, Ex Lax. And then she wants to talk to Dr. D. alone, away from Brenda, but per her absurd declaration from before, Dr. D. refuses, and tells the both of them, "I always like to be upfront with my patients and give the worse case scenario...now, on the upside, 81% of these cases are usually fibroadenomas or benign tumors," and Cindy asks about the other 19%, and Dr. D. tells her, "Non-cancerous lesions and sometimes cancer. Given Brenda's young age, I rate that highly unlikely [NO KIDDING]. But, given your maternal family history of cancer, nothing can be ruled out until I conduct a biospy. The soonest I could schedule something would be Saturday." Brenda tells Cindy that the SATs are that Saturday, but Cindy's an overemotional trainwreck and asks Brenda to make them up. This story line is really compelling. Also: It's COMPLETE OPPOSITE DAY.

HERE WE GO. Jim, ACTUALLY wearing something other than a button-up shirt or formal sleepwear, is slicing up pounds of vegetables while Cindy, who's changed out of her First Lady garb and into something...just dreadful, tells him, "Exactly the way it started with my sister," and THANK YOU JAY SHERMAN says, "Cindy, Sheila was a lot older than Brenda, and you heard the doctor – age is an important factor in this disease," like, REALLY, CINDY. SHUT THE FUCK UP. GOD. But she doesn't shut the fuck up, and continues on all dramatically with, "I just can't believe it [BELIEVE WHAT??? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET.]. She's so young. Doesn't seem possible. I just can't conceive of anything happening to Brenda." And even though Cindy's being completely hysterical and over-the-top about all of this, Jim very nicely says, "Baby, it's gonna be alright. I know it is." Excuse me while I go lie down and come to grips with the fact that I actually like Jim this episode.

Brenda comes in with her hair looking GREAT and saying, "I really wish you'd stop talking about me behind my back like that," and, I mean...it's not like they're talking shit or anything. You know, like earlier in the episode. And Brenda tells her mom that it's probably nothing, blah blah I'm glad this has turned into being All About Cindy And Comforting Her blah. Now we know where Brandon gets it.

Unfortunately, Brandon comes home at that moment, and says to Brenda, "I heard you left school a little early today," and Brenda VERY CLEARLY asks him not to tell anyone, which, that will last all of about, oh, twelve hours, you'll see. And then in some really odd direction, Brenda starts to tell Brandon about the non-cancerous, non-lump on her breast, and then camera keeps zooming in on Brandon, I guess to show the audience that, like Cindy, Brenda's issue is now All About Him And How He Will Handle It. So we have this shot to begin...

...and then this...

...and then this, like, maybe you should have the camera on the person ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT HER MEDICAL PROBLEM...

...and we end on a close-up of Brandon, although, I'm surprised they didn't end up in his nostril or something. And then he tries to act all sympathetic and whatever, asking, "Is it...it's not, I mean...do they think it's..." like, "cancer" is not "Voldemort," you ninny. Just fucking say it. And then he makes a lame attempt at a joke about the SATs which I refuse to acknowledge. THE END.

OH MY NOOOOOOOO. Over to Steve's, where...GOD, OF COURSE he has some gigantic $1000 bill (or whatever the fuck the denomination is) on his wall. OF COURSE. So while wearing a boys' department Hanes t-shirt, he asks, "Okay, you've got four choices, right?"

And this 42-year-old mother of three answers, "Right." And then Steve's all, "Well, out of those four, one will be a total throw away...they do that so they can weed out the morons," which if that's the case, you'll be weeded out in NO TIME AT ALL STEVE, YOU GODDAMN BOZO. And they go on in this vein for a bit, and because I'm just trying to prep myself for what is about to happen by doing ALL THE DRUGS, I'm not really paying attention.

So AHHHHHHHHNdrea ends up taking her glasses off and laying down on Steve's bed, which seems a little rude if you ask me. And Steve tells her, "You're pretty cute without your glasses on," and NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOooooo. Please don't do this. PLEASE. My digestive system can't take it. ANYway, AHHHHHHNdrea's all, "God! Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment?"

And then IN THE NAME OF JESUS Steve comes over and says, "No, this is," and then he kisses her and then a migraine starts up in my head and I'm blinded by the auras and the pain and THE END THE END THE END.

And then PRAISE SATAN, they stop, probably because they both looked at each other and realized that the other person's hair is the definition of putrid. BUT THEN.

THEY KISS AGAIN. AND STEVE, LIKE, MOUNTS AHHHHHHHNDREA AND THIS IS A BAD, BAD SCENE, MAN. PLEASE TELL MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE THEM, AS I AM CURRENTLY HEADED UP TO THE BAY AREA TO FLING MYSELF FROM THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE AND FIND SALVATION AND SWEET, SWEET DEATH UPON IMPACT WITH THE WATERS OF THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY.

Luckily for THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, as well as a variety of other universes, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea puts a stop to all the vulgarity and high tails it out from under Steve's tongue and, SHUDDER, body. I know I've said it a hundred times already but: MY GOD. She's all nervous and freaking out and I guess probably scared that her Non-One Non-True Non-Love Brandon is going to hear the dirty deets and not be jealous in the slightest.

While she's frantically gathering her things, we catch a glimpse of Steve's CHEVROLET "THE HEARTBEAT OF AMERICA" BAR SIGN DEAL AND WHAT? Like, WE GET IT, STEVE. YOU DRIVE A CORVETTE. YOU LIKE CHEVYS. I'm going to find an American Motors Corporation fluorescent sign to hang in my bedroom, since I have a hard-on for the 1974 Gremlin. WHATEVER STEVE PLEASE FIND THE NEAREST GUN AND SHOOT YOURSELF WITH IT. MAYBE YOU COULD GET ONE FROM SCOTT'S DAD'S DESK DRAWER.

Oh, and then Steve thinks he's Stud Studley and does some front flip onto his bed and kind of shrieks like a girl and I wish a mechanical pencil or some kind of geometry device had punctured his brain stem, except that it didn't.

Cut to: Brenda and Brandon, looking at some Dorkmeier photos of their mom and Dead Aunt Sheila. I think what we can garner from these photos is that Cindy dressed like a big piece of trash in Minnesota, too. ANYway, Brenda's going on about how "Mom won't even look at these pictures. It's like she wants to forget her or something," and Brandon is so sage and wise as he says, "It's just hard for her, Brenda. They were so close."

And Brenda's all, "Tell me about it. I used to wish that Sheila was my mom and mom was my aunt. She was so much fun. Did you ever wish that?" and I personally wouldn't have wished that, given that Dead Aunt Sheila also dressed pretty nasty. But anyhow, Brandon is a charmer, Always And Forever, and says, "Not after she got sick," like, having a sicky for a mother would damage his non-street, non-cred. Nice sentiment, you crap-sack.

So then Brenda and her perfect bangs say, "Yeah, it was awful. With her losing her breast and then all her hair. I couldn't imagine that ever happening to me," which it won't. At least not right now. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE BREAST CANCER. BECAUSE YOU'RE 16. And Brandon puts on his ookiest baby voice and rubs Brenda's shoulder, probably thinking about taking advantage of her in this vulnerable moment, and saps out, "It won't. I'll protect you." Like, there's nothing left to say about Brandon. Just...nothing. Oh, except I FUCKING HATE THIS GUY. And then they babble on for some time about Dead Aunt Sheila getting lonelier and lonelier as she neared...you know, death, and then Cindy made it All About Her and also got lonely, and then Fuck Face Brandon tells Brenda that she's going to be just fine, and because he came out of Cindy's vagina four minutes before Brenda, he's smarter and wiser and blah blah NO ONE, INCLUDING PARAMECIUM CARES blah, Brenda slams a pillow into the back of Brandon's head at some point during this exchange, although I wish it would've been like, a hammer or some kind of knife blade.

The next day, Brandon and his turd-colored outfit have waited all of about half a day to spill the beans about Brenda's non-breast non-cancer. Unfortunately, he chooses to tell AHHHHHHHHNdrea about it, but she's been looking for him to I guess give him the beyond-nauseating lowdown on what happened between her and Steve. Because she hopes that Brandon will be super-jealous and profess his life, love, and penis to her or something. So Brandon's all, "There's something pretty important I wanted to tell you," like, he had PRE-MEDITATED OPENING HIS MAW TO AHHHHHHHHNDREA ABOUT SOMETHING BRENDA TOLD HIM TO KEEP TO HIMSELF. How Brandon has not met the business end of someone's boot or shotgun is beyond me. So he goes into it all, "Well...Brenda found out yesterday she has some sort of tumor in her breast...they're doing some sort of biopsy deal on it tomorrow." AHHHHHHHHNdrea asks if Brenda's going to be okay, and Brandon gets dramatic and Makes It All About Him and says, "Probably. I wanted to tell you because I feel like I can't really flip out at home in front of Brenda, but the truth is, inside I'm flippin' out," and then AHHHHHHNdrea reassures him that Brenda's going to be fine, and Brandon says he can't even "comprehend it," probably because it's taken the spotlight off of him and his asinine existence for all of ten minutes. Oh, and he's fucking stupid. ANYway, he asks that AHHHHHHNdrea not tell Brenda that she knows, and hopefully, AHHHHHHHNdrea can keep a secret better than some shit-stains we've come to know and detest, i.e. BRANDON FUCKING WALSH. And then she can't tell him about the fiasco with Steve and no one cares all over again. Some more.

We head over to another part of the West Bev campus, and Brenda's hair is just GLORIOUS. So Kelly, wearing an okay floral dress, asks, "Brenda, why didn't you say anything at my house?" and Brenda replies with, "Because we were all just sort of doing it as a joke, I mean, I wasn't even sure what I felt until I got home." And Donna asks what it feels like, like, what do you think it feels like, you nimrod? Also, your hair is GOD AWFUL here. And then Brandon's Selfish Soul Mate Kelly is all, "I can't believe this...I really hate hospitals. I sorta feel like this is all my fault. I mean, I started this whole thing," and Brenda's all, "No, I'm glad that I found it." AND THEN KELLY HONEST-TO-GOODNESS SAYS THIS: "You are? Wow, I really hope nothing ever happens to my breasts." And you have just ensured that I hope something happens to both of your breasts, Kelly, namely, that they rot right the fuck off. EAT SHIT.

Cut inside later, to this. Dylan's attempting to surprise Brenda by grabbing her from behind...

But she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT on him. Because she's a monster. But also because...I don't know. This is all very, very dumb. ANYway, he thinks she's on edge because of the SATs. No one, including microbes and fungi, continues to care. And then they hug and she gets all weepy with, "I'm scared," and Dylan's all, "It's only a test," and HEY, ISN'T THAT THE NAME OF THE EPISODE OH HOW CLEVER. Except for the exact opposite of that.

And then Brenda has to be all evasive and say, "I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I found something," like, JUST PLEASE TELL HIM ALREADY, and Dylan's like, "What the fuck does that mean?" Basically, I mean. And she tells him, "I didn't want to tell you, I was embarrassed," and then he asks, "Brenda, what is it? What did you find?" and then the polar icecaps begin to melt and continents start to shift and the world becomes Pangea again and she FINALLY. FIN.AH.LLY gives Dylan the straight-poop: "A lump on my breast." Oh, and also: look how sweet and attentive Our Dylan is...even in his highly offensive jaundiced FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK. I'm heading home immediately to tack the cover from my Beverly Hills, 90210: The Official Magazine above my bed:

I'm certain my boyfriend will have no problem with this. Also: LOOK AT THOSE SIDEBURNS, WILL YOU??? I mean, MY GOD. (Also: I hope Ian Ziering won't be telling me to go to his hairdresser or stylist.) Season 2 needs to get here STAT, if only to give me the opportunity to bask in the SPLENDOR that are those sideburns. Look forward to me pointing them out every time they appear on screen. And then once we get to the 4th season, look forward to me pointing out THIS MONSTROSITY at every opportunity:

WHAT'S UP, TRASH HEAP? The trailer park with your rusted-out Camaro up on blocks is THATAWAY.

WHERE WAS I? Oh, right. This lousy show. ANYWE'REALMOSTDONE, Dylan takes Brenda home and tells her he's going to be with her the next day for her lump-removal or whatever. She tells him she doesn't want him there (WHATEVER) and then says that he "didn't even want to touch me after I told you." He says that he was surprised and scared, and then he tells her that he loves her and she breaks away from him all Brenda Dramatic and stomps into the house, leaving him with, "You're only saying that."

Brenda continues to be all Brenda Dramatic up in her room, lying on her bed in her excreta-colored skirt. Cindy comes in and asks what she, Brenda, is thinking about, and Brenda responds all Brenda Dramatically, "Oh, life, death, love," which. WHATEVER. YOU DON'T HAVE BREAST CANCER. SIXTEEN. And then she tells Cindy that she's most scared of losing a breast (SEE MY COMMENT ABOVE) and that she could never go on a date if that happened (AGAIN, SEE MY COMMENT ABOVE). And then she really gets all Brenda Dramatic and weeps out, "Why is this happening to me? Mom, I am so scared, and people keep on telling me that everything's gonna be okay but what if it's not? What if I go in to have the biopsy tomorrow and they discover that things aren't okay?" and Cindy actually manages to be a non-idiot and tells her, "We'll just...cross that bridge when we come to it." And then Brenda needs make a phone call...

...dramatically, of course. To Dylan. Who's outgoing answering machine message says, "Hi, it's Dylan. You almost got me, but leave a message and I'll get back to ya, soon," like, WHATEVER DORK. And then Brenda sniffles into the phone, "I love you, too." Aww. But really: THIS IS STRAIGHT UP BOOOOOOOOORING.

OH NOOOOOO! SHE DIED! WHY GOD WHY?????

Except not really. It's just the obligatory I Might Die No One Cares About Me I Better Have A Dream About How Everyone Will Act At The Funeral/After I'm Gone scene that a lot of shows from the '80s and '90s employed. See: Saved By The Bell, Growing Pains, Full House. Basically, pretty much any shit-show that defined my childhood and continues to define my adulthood because I CAN'T MOVE ON PLEASE HELP. And yes: I just said that Full "Shoo-bit-a-bah-bah-bow" House defines my existence. Please run a rusty box cutter across my throat so that I can call it a life.

So the whole scene boils down to Brenda getting out of her coffin and walking around to everyone (obviously, not able to be seen...because she's, you know, dead) as they all take a Brenda-themed SAT. Doesn't that just sound GENIUS? If you said "FUCK NO" you'd be more right than you've ever been about anything in the world. So she starts with Dylan, unfortunately wearing a FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECK, like, HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD, MAN??? Brenda probably killed herself as opposed to dying of non-breast non-cancer, given that her boyfriend wears FUCKING MOCK TURTLENECKS. A LOT. ANYTIMETOMOVEON, Dylan's question is this: "When I told Brenda I loved her, I said it out of A) Pity; B) Lust; C) Deceit, or D) Heartfelt emotion," and OF COURSE he has to think about it, and Brenda has to say, "I can't believe you have to think about this," and it's all very non-comical.

Why Dream Cindy and Dream Jim would've chosen to dress their daughter as some throwback-reject from Haight-Ashbury circa 1969 for her final resting place is beyond me. Next she walks over to dingle Brandon, whose question is this: "If Brenda's entire life can be expressed as a 24-hour day, what time will she be forgotten? A) 1 AM; B) 12-noon; C) 4 PM, or D) Brenda will never be forgotten," to which this tonsil stone's answer is apparently "12-noon," because Brenda says, "You're going to forget me by lunchtime?" And then she thwaps him on the back of the head, and Brandon is apparently a ghost whisperer because he felt it and kind of confusedly looks around like the moron that he is. 

On to Kelly, who, BIG SURPRISE, basically says that she wants Brenda to leave her Dylan. DEAR BRENDA, THIS PART IS NOT A DREAM. DE-FRIEND THIS SLAG NOW. Also: look at The Zuck back there, all dressed up as the Widow Petrillo. I'll bet she steals some rolls and silverware from the reception after.

Lastly, we arrive at Cindy, who's serving up some Spinster Marilla Cuthbert Realness. Cindy's question is, "The thing I'll miss most about Brenda is A) Her sunny personality; B) Her sparkling intelligence; C) Her quick wit, or D) Her help in the kitchen," and can you guess what her answer is? Seriously, just guess. It's BRILLIANT, I tell you, BRILLIANT. Or the complete antithesis of that. I wish that I knew sign language so that I could sign the word "WHATEVER" over and over and over until the joints in my wrists are rubbed down to nubbins. 

And then of course, Dream Cindy starts saying, "Brenda, wake up!" which turns into Real Cindy saying, "Wake up!" and we cut to Brenda's room, and Cindy actually looks pretty good. I mean, for the era. She could rest her head and take a nap on those shoulder pads, but she's looking pretty chic. So Brenda tells her mother that she had the weirdest dream, but doesn't go into detail. Because it's boring as fuck. ANYLORD Cindy informs her that she let her sleep in, and they have to be at the hospital in an hour. Which...this is one thing that worked my last nerve about this show, FOR FOREVER. Even I, before having actually lived in Los Angeles, knew that you can't get fucking anywhere in an hour. Especially on the West Side. But the characters constantly make reference to these ridiculous time frames, throughout the entire series, and now it bugs me even more because I live here and it takes me at least ALL THE TIME to get anywhere. And yes: I'm certain traffic/parking/whatever wasn't as bad in the early-'90s, but I'm sure it still would have
taken more than an hour to get up, showered, dressed, fed, drive to wherever you're going, park, etc. than an hour. It gives me anxiety just thinking about. Because I am just that much of an utter failure as a human being.

So then Anal Bead Brandon comes in, calling Brenda, "Sleeping Beauty," and probably attempting to put the moves on her, per this still here. And then he tells her, "I just wanted to tell you, everything's gonna be okay. I'll be thinking about you," like, oh, gee. Dr. Wad-Of-Ass is telling her everything's going to be okay. What a comfort. And by "what a comfort," I of course mean, "Brandon is a garden gnome and I hate him, Always And Forever."

Cut to: the hospital, for Brenda's procedure. Two new looks from Jim this episode! This time he's giving us some Weekend Tony Soprano. And yes: Cindy looks INFINITY better here than she did just a few short months ago. It won't last. ANYhow, they're asking Dr. Donner if Brenda will feel any pain (no, but she'll be awake the whole time NO THANK YOU), and how long it will take (two or three hours. That seems...unlikely, but whatever.).

Oh, and Dr. D. looks like someone, here. I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh! Wait! Yes, I can - she looks like someone I'd like to kick in the vagina. Wipe that face off your head, you annoying bitch!

Then she goes into the operating room, where she's thankfully concealed most of her irksome face with a surgical mask. And Brenda says she's nervous and blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH. I just...I can't hang with this anymore.

Nor can I hang with this...thing, looking on the verge of pinching off a particularly stubborn growler...

...nor AHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's wearing a jumpsuit? Matching shirt-and-top? Whatever it is: abominable.

ANYSTABME, they're running late for the SAT, and meet up at the door to the room where they're taking the test, and they both basically admit that the other one is a nauseating piece of feces, and that they'd be the worst couple ever. No argument here, jerks. You're just beyond-grotesque, both superficially and, like, as homo sapiens.

So then the proctor opens the door, and revoltingly says, "If you two lovebirds are through, we'd like to begin." And then EVERYONE IN GALAXIES NEAR AND FAR has simultaneous gastrointestinal perforation and explosive diarrhea and dies on the spot because FUCKING SICKENING, PROCTOR DUDE. 

The Future Actual Worst Couple In The History Of Civilization hears Proctor Dude say this and then lean into each other and ask disgustedly, "Lovebirds?" at the same time, and while I feel their pain (primarily, in the lower abdomen) they, too, are just pond scum as people, so really, they have ZERO X INFINITY room to talk.

Blah blah operation room shenanigans blah, Dr. Donner tells Brenda that she's not going to have any scarring because "the incision is very small. The stitch won't even have to come out. When I'm through, I'm gonna apply a pressure bandage, and that's gonna prevent the blood and fluids from collecting at the biopsy site [YUM]. You're gonna have to keep the tape across your chest, and it has to stay dry so no showers for two days," and Brenda freaks out about not showering for that long, and to that I say, "SERIOUSLY?" because I basically LOLL in the non-showering deliciousness of weekends. And then Dr. D. finds the lump and tells Brenda it looks like a chewed piece of gum, and by the time this episode ends, I will have proved the theory that you can actually be bored to DEATH.

At West Bev, Brandon decides to make it All About Him and leaves the SAT early so that he can go to the hospital and look like some big hero and Donna's dress might be cute.

So Tony and Carmella...I mean, Jim and Cindy are in the waiting area, and HERE WE GO. AGAIN. Cindy: "After Sheila died, I didn't think I'd see the inside of a hospital for a long time. These waiting rooms are so awful." Jim: "Only when you're waiting for bad news." Cindy: "Never had it any other way." Jim, bringing the logical badassery: "Ya know, Cindy, what happened to your sister was a tragedy. She was young, intelligent, beautiful. She didn't deserve to die. But you gotta stop trying to make Brenda's biopsy into some bad rerun of Sheila's entire illness. It's not the same thing." Cindy, unable to grasp the concept of GETTING A GRIP: "Jim, aren't you scared?" Jim, making me fall more and more in love with him (not really, AT ALL. But at least he's not being some over-the-top mental defective about all of this): "No. Not until I hear there's something to be scared about. Then I'll be scared."

Oh, GROSS. So Hero Brandon swoops in, and Jim and Cindy practically have simultaneous orgasms over it, and apparently, he's going to be allowed to make up the SAT, since, you know, his sister doesn't have breast cancer.

Brenda gets wheeled out and everyone's really nice and sweet to her for a change (it won't last) and apparently Dr. D., whom we thankfully won't have to lay eyes on for the remainder of the episode or EVER, will call them later at home with the results.

And then Our Dylan comes up with flowers and wearing a really ghastly color-blocked Steve SAUNders Retch-fest NIGHTMARE of a shirt and tells them that he went to five hospitals because Brenda didn't tell them which one she was going to be at. I would guess either Cedars or UCLA. Because I live in LA. Have I not mentioned that? Because I do. I live in LA. ANYwhatever, they head back to the House of Walsh to await Brenda's results.

Waiting for the results means everyone telling jokes? or something? To keep Brenda's mind off of said results? I don't know, but she asks, "Doesn't anyone know anymore jokes? Dylan?" and Dylan is just a charmer and says, IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS, "None that I could tell here." But just wait - it gets worse. So then the doorbell rings, and because this is apparently some slapsticky half-hour sitcom, Cindy answers the phone, all, "Hello? Hello?" I've never laughed so hard in my life. And by, "I've never laughed so hard in my life," I of course mean, "I've never cried so much or taken so many Valium in my life." And Brenda's all pissy as she goes to answer the door, because Cindy was supposed to allow her to get the phone. WHATEVER.

Kelly and Donna are at the door, of course, and present Brenda with a gift basket (?), and Brenda helpfully reminds them that she's not dead yet, and Kelly continues to make it All About Her with, "Brenda, um, I'm sorry about the other day, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react," and IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR REACTION, YOU TWAT. And then all Brenda wants is a hug from her two non-best non-friends.

So then the actual phone rings and Brenda grabs it and it's Dr. Donner and of course Brenda doesn't have breast cancer. WHEW. That was a real nail-biter. THE END.

Only it's not, and I wanted to throw this one in, because Dylan, in the clothing version of an appendectomy, looks fairly dreamy, if not 40, right here. Brandon? WHO CARES.

And then everyone celebrates like they really thought Brenda had cancer. And Brenda tells them what Dr. D. told her: "It's fibroadenoma, just like she thought. Fairly common in teenage girls due to an abnormally high level of estrogen. I guess my hormones are raging."

And then PIG-DOG DYLAN SERIOUSLY SAYS, "Tell me about it," IN FRONT OF HER FAMILY LIKE, THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE BAGS OF TRASH I CAN'T EVEN.

Later that night, Brenda's trying to sleep, but Brandon first wants to come in and put the moves on her. But really, he actually wants to, SAY IT WITH ME NOW, make it All About Him and tell her, "You know, you gave us all a pretty good scare there," and Brenda says that she was scared, too, and Brandon, just a complete sack of dicks, says, "Must've been pretty awful. But it was pretty terrible for me, too," like, yes, I'm certain it was worse for you than her, you fucking dildo.

And then he tells her, "Night, Bren. Don't you ever do that to me again," WOW WHAT A KNOB but I assume what he really means is, "Don't ever take the spotlight off of me, ever again," and then we unfortunately fade to black having to look at this and then I went and dry razored my legs and soaked them in a tub full of peroxide, which was honestly a more pleasant experience than recapping this episode. May I never have to watch it again. Meaning, "I will totally watch this episode again when I'm cycling back through the entire series for the 1,717th time." CHEERS.


I really don't know what else to say. This took me over 2 months to get through. The "quality" of my writing is sub-par (which I guess means that it's FAR above what I usually crank out), and to the two of you who are reading this right now (meaning, "to the 2 of my cats I read this out loud to while they were cleaning their bungholes"), I apologize. The next episode, "April Is The Cruelest Month" shouldn't be such agony. Mostly because Matthew Perry playing a deranged Poor Tortured Little Rich Boy Whose Father Just Doesn't Understand Him is such a totally original concept for this show. I mean, we'll never see anything like it again. Oh, and Donna gets a "dramatic" storyline, too, which...was a really a bad road to go down, dudes. Just wait a few years and you'll see what I mean. Until next time!

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.