(First and foremost, I'd like to send a birthday shout-out to the one and only Rach! A ride-or-die kind of a broad who's been an immense source of support of this nonsense for a while now...which actually kind of makes me question her judgment and psychological stability, but that's neither here nor there. For your special day, Rach, as requested, I got you this profanity-laden blog post about a fair-haired loser who accidentally shoots himself and dies. On his birthday. So. Happy Birthday to you? I guess? This is a really dreadful gift.)
In which we all know what happens in this one: Brenda bestows us with the dance move that launched a thousand-and-one imitations. In my life anyway.
In which we all know what happens in this one: Brenda bestows us with the dance move that launched a thousand-and-one imitations. In my life anyway.
Blossom Russo would be so overcome with boiling jealousy and self-doubt, they'd never dance again, and I just wouldn't be able to live with that.
Oh, and also: Scott blows his digestive tract off. And dies. Whatever.
"This Is My Country" on the soundtrack.
West Beverly Hills High School Time Capsule," and then the dates 1941 and 1991, hanging from the balcony.
Pan over the choir dorks. I can say that because I was a choir dork in middle and high school. And a really atrocious one at that.
More panning over the crowd. This recedingly hair-lined dude wearing the unfortunate combination of a turtleneck under a button-down shirt (ah, the early-'90s) appears to be a member of the SAUNders family, or perhaps just another student giving Steve a run for his 41-year-old money in the 41-year-old department.
Sidebar: I didn't notice this person until I started screencapping but seriously, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY. He clearly arrived in 1991 in a time machine from the 1984 movie, This Is Spinal Tap.
Then we sadly get David's tinny voiceover as he pans down to Brandon and his Smug Brandon Mug (slathered in Blush-&-Bashful Bronzer, it appears) wearing a sports coat and a tie, and AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea wearing what could be a cute dress but is more than likely an abomination. I mean, it's AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea after all. David says, "That's Brandon Walsh with the editorial board [ed. note: oh, please]; AHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman, [and he seriously says "AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea," like, exactly how I write it, and he sounds kind of irritated with it, which was pretty boss and very un-David-like, really] editor-in-chief of the Blaze."
Bette Midler and Bette Midler's SHOULDER PADS in Big Business? Silly Mrs. T. - Halloween was last episode!
Dylan McKay and Brenda Walsh, popular...a campus couple," and of course Dylan's reaction is to tell the troglodyte to go fuck himself. Well played, Dylan, well played.
is Saturday night," which sounds like a surefire cure for insomnia to me, especially in the company of AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her rat's ass hair, but whatever. Brandon then makes the grave mistake of bailing on her, seeing as he's got a date with Emily that night, and though barely audible or visible, if you look hard enough and listen hard enough you'll observe AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea turning away and seething, "If I can't have you, no one can," out of her foaming mouth.
I'd like to thank our special guests from the Class of '41, who invite all of you to take a closer look at the time capsule. Thank you. We'll see ya tomorrow." And then everyone claps. Because this lame assembly is over.
ust one sound bite, please. That's all I ask."
t was very interesting learning about what happened on this campus the night Pearl Harbor was bombed," and Dylan cutes out, "Yeah, and if I had been around back then, I woulda definitely signed up to be a Navy flyboy," and does this...
So, it was really fun doing that man-in-the-street interview with you." David's far too busy figuratively fellating The Gang, so all he replies with is, "Yeah, yeah." Scott asks how David thinks the footage came out and David treats Scott like all creatures great and small treat David and exasperatingly answers, "Look, Scott, I haven't looked at it yet. We just shot it before the assembly today."
And then Scott stands there even more Sad Sackily as David continues to lick The Cool Kids' taints. You're better off, Scott. I mean, not in that outfit or anything - it's the clothing equivalent of tapeworm-infested feces. But in general, you're better off.
Polka Dot Door.
I'm emceeing this big dance going on that night," BARF but Mrs. Scanlon's not having it; she charges ahead and tells David to get on the invites and that "25 kids would be perfect, don't ya think?" for the following Saturday.
Denise, you have to come. You were Scott's girlfriend in the 5th grade. You owe it to him." Denise, who's gonna feel real bad in about 10 minutes or so, tells him, "I don't owe him anything, and don't keep saying he was my boyfriend, it's embarrassing now."
I'd love to but, I'm uh, I'm gonna be tied up pretty late," which comes pretty easily to him, seeing as he's been treating Scott like a back alley trash heap for the better part of a year.
To the hallway and a pan over some bulletin board which displays a bunch of stuff from the time capsule in 1941.
They put the lamest stuff in this time capsule." Kelly doesn't think he could do any better, to which Steve replies, "I could do better than a greasy pocket comb." Like maybe a pocket comb with a bunch of your pube-like tendrils weaved into it?
hen do I get to go on one of these surfing safaris with you?" and Dylan replies, "Only after to lie to your parents and head south of the border with me sans i.d. or your birth certificate and then your father will act like a right prick and demand that we stop seeing each other and on and on and on and then Blondie over here will be The Worst Friend Ever and this will all signify the beginning of our end and the writer of this sad, pathetic little blog is not pleased about any of it, so, moving on." Or something.
whole year. His whole life." Seriously? Steve's presence would make someone's whole life? I think it's probably a good thing that Scott ends up picking off his breadbasket with the business end of pistol and dying. The world doesn't need some dangerous mental defective who thinks Steeeeeeeeve is a real coup wandering the streets. Everyone except Donna takes their leave, with Kelly saying, "Maybe next year," and Steve predicting the future with, "Maybe never," as they go.
here are all the kids you invited? Scott's gonna be here any minute!" David informs her that he's not exactly sure how many kids are going to show up, seeing as he had all of a day to invite people. Although why Scott doesn't have new friends in the form of some cowboy clique at school that could've been invited is beyond me. There was a whole contingent of painted-on-Wrangler-wearing cow-folk in my high school. But perhaps that was just a Colorado thing. "This isn't reality, you sub-mental mutant." - you; "Oh." - me
I'm sure you did the best you could. Get everybody in the foyer, please. He's gonna be here any second," but burst into uncontrollable gales of laughter because AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Over to some wet bar where this stooge-looking kid is saying, "Scott says you've got a couple rad new guns in your collection."
Well, guns aren't toys. They're weapons and they should always be treated as such." And then this flashes across the screen and all is well.
onrad, what you are doing? Tinka [who is clearly the Scanlon family cat with a name like that] called from the restaurant, they're gonna be here any second!"
To the darkened foyer.
because I'm never not embarrassed for someone; Kelly, who lets out a perfectly surprised/startled, "Oh, my god!" while nervously half-laughing; Steve, managing to look relatively attractive here (FUCKING KILL ME NOW, I guess. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know), and pissed off at all the birthday shenanigans, which is also how I look at birthday gatherings, including my own; and Donna, wearing more odd, asymmetrical knitwear and being cute and charming in her taken abackness.
You came!" which coincidentally is what he also just did in his tighty-whities.
Mrs. S, annoyed to the point of looking like an agitated SHE-DEVIL (BLINK, BITCH, BLINK!) beckons them in, adding, "You'll ruin the surprise!" I think Scott's more than capable of ruining the surprise all on his own with his shoot-'em-up handgun antics later, Mrs. S.
Steve further endears himself to me after one of the kiddies pops a balloon. He, Brenda and Kelly have appropriately rattled reactions, and Steve does as I would do and tries to bolt, saying, "That's it, I'm outta here." Brenda and Kelly push him back, Brenda telling him, "No, Steve, forget it. Look, the only reason Brandon agreed to come is because I swore you'd be here." So Steve should seriously leave, because no one but no one needs that overly-contour-faced speck of pixie scat smugging up their birthday celebrations. Least of all Scott, who's going to have a really terrible end-of-evening as it is.
Outside to the front yard. Emily and Brandon come lurking around the side of the house. Because they've apparently been traipsing around people's yards, peeking in windows, looking for the party? I don't know. Perhaps they were Doing The It in some hedge at the Scanlon Sanctuary property line. Emily asks if this is the right house, given that all the lights are out. Brandon, being the Einstein he is, realizes that the darkened house means the surprise is about to take place and that he and Emily should head back to the bushes and she should further titillate his Little Minnesota with her tongue and all of the vomit that will inevitably come out of her mouth with it.
But too late! A Jeep Cherokee pulls up to the curb, Scott in the passenger seat. I wonder if Scott thought there was something fishy about the fact that his own fucking parents didn't join him at his birthday dinner. Then again, Scott's none too bright (as evidenced by his HAT, his insistence on maintaining a friendship with David, his affinity for shooting off rifles in his back yard in the middle of Los Angeles) so he probably thought nothing of it.
Scott exits the car and approaches Emily, having gotten hairdo inspiration from Val Kilmer's character in Real Genius, and Brandon and asks them what they're doing there. Brandon makes up a nonsensical fib and says they were walking Emily's apparently-invisible dog...
Thanks, you fucking goon.
I guess we'll just have to make the best of it, won't we?" before heading back in the house. I said it before and I'll say it again: bitch is cray.
play parachute he's wearing has sprigs of mistletoe all over it and it's only early-November. Anyway, Donna comes up and David's all, "I can't believe how clueless that woman is. She acts like the party was ruined because of me and my friends, when she should be thanking me for saving it. It's not like Scott's Mr. Popular. [ed. note: it's not like you are either, douche.] No one would've even showed up if it wasn't for you and me." Which is all true but seeing as David co-holds the title of The Worst (along with Brandon, Steve and Kelly) he should really shut his goddamn mouth.
How long did we commit to be here?" and Brandon says, "We're on borrowed time as it is." Like you have anywhere better to be, you self-satisfied little twat.
my grandfather's/Cindy's sweatpants from the "Ashes to Ashes" episode.
I think we should make a run for it now." Also me? The horror written all over Emily's face.
Brenda and Kelly GET DOWN with their bad selves, as David teases Scott about being a socially repressed buffoon who can't talk to girls. Or something similar, I'm sure.
Shot of a bunch of the other loser guests, in party hats, playing their Gameboys and looking over their shoulders at the dancing, accepting the fact that none of them will ever have intercourse.
And then Steve dances like the 41-year-old embarrassment of a father who's chaperoning his kid's Homecoming dance we all know him to be. Perhaps this is what Brandon was talking about when he referenced dancing "like a white guy" in the previous episode. Well, this and this:
So then Kelly and Brenda sandwich up on Scott and I'm fairly certain it was at this moment that Kelly felt something semi-hard knocking into her thigh.
David, who doesn't dance much better than Scott, embarrasses himself and everyone else at the party by home-slicing it up and doing the whole, "Go Scott, go Scott, go, go, go Scott!" bit.
Brenda then makes this tragic mistake, but I really appreciate the fact that Shannen Doherty seems to be having such a good time in this scene. She's adorable.
Back over to these two, with Emily whispering something in Brandon's ear (presumably about sacrificing her better judgment, her pride and her gag reflex. all for the pleasure of his Little Minnesota) and then the two of them run off somewhere.
We get this shot which is Exhibits A through INFINITY in proving how terrible jeans were in the 1990s. And I know this "style" is back "in" today, but I'd sooner fling myself in front of the bullet meant for Scott than wear a pair like these ever, ever, ever again.
And because it's a such a gem, here's Brenda schooling the group on the finer points of modern dance again.
And then another of Steve which I posted on my Instagram a few weeks ago, which is probably the reason why I started getting death threats in the mail and flaming bags of a variety of animal shit left on my doorstep.
The song ends and BAH! Mrs. S looks like this DEMON and declares, "Time for birthday cake!" Scott says that he was just getting the hang of it (no, no you weren't, Scott) but Mrs. S insists that he can dance more later (please don't) and that his younger siblings have to go to bed soon.
Kelly asks, "Where's Brandon?"
And the answer to that query is, "Being a pig-dog with his girlfriend on top of some little kid's bed."
Mrs. S appears to be as repulsed as we all are about this development.
As does the kid who's now going to have to burn his sheets, mattress, bed frame, headboard, bedroom and retinas to the ground.
I don't know about any of you but I wouldn't want to provoke this thing.
But because Brandon is an arrogant cheesedick, he flashes this arrogant cheesedick smile. I believe this is the exact moment that Emily begins to reevaluate her life choices and then decides that her only escape is to turn to psychoactive drug use.
Back out to the foyer, Brandon's saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and Brenda comes up and asks what's going on. Brandon tells her, "We appear to be setting a bad example and we've been asked to leave," and he says it all sort of pissy, like, if I were Mrs. Scanlon and two grody teenagers were making out on my kid's bed and my kid saw them making out on his bed, I think I might ask them to leave as well. Or punch the smug one in the mouth at the very least.
Steve's all, "Well if you're outta here, we're outta here." David apologizes to Brandon for some reason as Scott stands in the background dumbly.
So they're off to the Peach Pit to see Worthless Nat (seriously, Brandon says, "Yeah, let's go see Nat," because that's what I liked to do when I was a teenager: visit the spooky proprietor of my local diner who's far too interested in me and my friends' lives) and they say their goodbyes and there's a nice moment where Brenda grabs Scott's hand and says, "Happy Birthday," and she sort of holds it like this, which I thought was a nice touch by Shannen Doherty.
Donna asks if David will be joining them, to which Scott insists, "It's okay. I know you'd rather be with your friends," which was kind of a sad moment, mostly because he's mourning his lost friendship with David and that is just altogether unnecessary. Miraculously, David declines Donna's offer, telling her, "I promised his cousin I'd teach her how to Freak." Which seems a little inappropriate, per what I understand the Freak to be from this video, but Beverly Hills has already been established as a base, degenerative mound of cocaine, alcohol, incest, dereliction, infidelity, rape, attempted rape, date rape, and a whole host of other vices, in addition the mere presence of one Steve SAUNders, so whatever,
Back to the living room, Mrs. S brings out Scott's cowboy-themed birthday cake, but needs some matches to light the thing so Scott offers to go find some and HERE WE GO.
He heads into his father's den or wherever and plays with this lighter.
Next, he dumps over some pencil holder and a key falls out.
He tosses it in the air and catches it, then opens the top drawer of the desk as Serious Synth Music starts up in the background. I'm including this portion of the scene here, mostly because it's easier than fifteen individual screen shots and also because Douglas Emerson was a terrible actor and it's a real non-pleasure to see him do what he does worst. Let's just hope he was better at Air Force-ing than acting.
Back in the living room, Mr. S comes in, having found some matches, so Mrs. S rides David's ass to go get Scott as only she and her fucking NIGHT TERROR PERSONALITY can.
Did I say here we go before? Because now we can really HERE WE GO.
Presented without comment.
Except this one: Scott appears to channel his mother's 7th Circle of Hellfire BEAST eyeballs just as he's about to use his solar plexus for target practice.
David's heavy breathing fades into the song "Somewhere" being sung by the West Bev choir as we once again pan down to crowd gathered on the lawn.
And then a shot of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea looking like a concerned parent and Brandon looking like the self-centered, wee little boy we know him to be.
Over to these two, looking perfect even in the face of tragedy. Although Dylan loses points for saying he didn't know who Scott was and gesturing toward someone in the crowd, all, "When you told me, I thought it was that kid over there. It's obviously not." Brenda reminds Dyl-weed that Scott was in his Tech class the previous year (which we all know from "The Green Room" episode where Brandon gets all hot and heavy for Dylan because who wouldn't), and Dylan says, "Oh, my god. That guy?"
Steve. Kelly. Kelly makes it All About Kelly, saying, "My ears are ringing. I can't swallow. My whole digestive system's a wreck. I know it's the flu. It's gotta be the flu." Steve manages to not be the lowest of low for once in his damn life and reminds her, "Well whatever it is, you're doin' better than Scott."
Donna stands by herself, but then Denise comes up in a tizzy, asking where David is. Donna informs Denise (giving off some major Karla vibes here) that David stayed home from school and Denise proceeds to make it All About Denise by going on and on about how she was Scott's 5th grade girlfriend and that she hasn't said more than two words to him in high school and she just feels so, so bad because of it and let me be the first to remind Denise: it's not about you, bitch.
Instead of Donna filling Denise in on this and then shoving Denise to the ground, Donna just hugs her.
Back to the stage, the singing has ended and Mr. Chapman gets up to tell everyone that Scott's private family services are being held that afternoon and that the school's counseling office will be offering extended hours to those people who, like Denise, want to connect themselves to tragedy in one way or another.
The crowd disperses and we're back with AHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brandon. AHHHHHHNdrea tells him that, "Putting out a special four-page insert in Scott's memory is gonna be a lot of extra work, but now I think that under the circumstances it's really important." Brandon agrees and asks what she had in mind...
...which leads us to the Blaze office, where Brandon's saying, "I just don't see why we need to use this tragic accident as the springboard for some diatribe about gun control."
AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, looking like this and really just asking me to pop her one right in her sea-hag kisser, shrills, "I'm sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, a loaded gun should not have been accessible in a desk drawer of a house full of kids!" I'm certain Mr. and Mrs. Scanlon will appreciate the lecture series at a time like this, you fucking gargoyle.
For once, I completely agree with Brandon when he says, "I agree, but the story speaks for itself. We need to focus on the personal side, get pictures of Scott, interview David Silver, cover the funeral." AHHHHHHNdrea inquires, "And who gets that plum assignment?"
Emily, dressed in chola-lite (I LOVE that shirt, however) and having been listening in on their conversation, pops up from her chair and advises, "Well, obviously it shouldn't be Brandon." Brandon asks why and she reminds him about getting kicked out of the party by Mrs. S.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea OF COURSE has to stick her nose in and asks why they got kicked out. Emily gives her the low-down: "She caught us makin' out in his little brother's room and had a fit." Speaking of fits, OF COURSE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has an immediate one following the news that her NON-boyfriend and his girlfriend were caught kissing at a party. HOW DARE THEY. She bitterly pouts out, "Terrific. I guess I'll cover the funeral then," and then turns on her heel, flips her thirsty-looking home permed MESS over her shoulder and huffs away. BYE BITCH.
But because Brandon's terrified of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea taking him to a cabin in the mountains somewhere and breaking his ankles with a sledgehammer and killing a local sheriff, he follows her and tells her that he'll do it; he'll cover the funeral. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea then has the AUDACITY to tell him, "Great. And why don't you bring Emily along so you could rub some salt in Mrs. Scanlon's wounds while you're at it?" YOU'RE ALL PREPARED TO WRITE A STORY BLAMING THE GRIEVING WOMAN FOR HER CHILD'S DEATH YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. I cannot. I CANNOT. Fuck, dudes. I hate AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea. A lot. Whatever, Brandon says he knows how to be discreet.
Outside of a church somewhere. Organ music plays.
David stands out front, gnawing on his thumb and managing to look somber.
Donna approaches and excuses Kelly's absence by saying that she wasn't feeling well. David feels ill as well, saying, "I almost lost it when they asked me to say a few words about Scott. I haven't been close with him for almost a year. I wouldn't have the faintest idea what to say." And then he goes on to tell her about this dream that he had where it was the night Pearl Harbor was bombed and "we were all sneaking on campus to bury the time capsule like they did in 1941. And when we dug the hole, I realized it was a coffin. And the body inside was me. And when I woke up, I kept saying it's not you, it's Scott. And I was happy. Isn't that sick?" Yes. Yes it is. But really: who cares?
Up comes Mrs. Scanlon. pushing past Donna and flinging herself into David.
Like, I feel bad for the lady and all, but man, is she exhausting. She introduces David to someone off-camera as "Scott's bestest, bestest friend in the whole world. He was with us every Fourth of July at Arrowhead. Scott just adored him."
Brandon and his Billy Baldwin impression walk up behind Donna and PRAISE BE TO KING TRITON he does not speak here. REJOICE.
Mrs. S continues to make THE WORLD uncomfortable by telling David, "It's up to us now. Scott's memory's gonna be kept alive by those of us who loved him. So, come on inside, I want you to meet everybody. You'll be sitting with the family." David reminds her that his father is there, meaning that he'd probably rather sit with him, but she saves him from Mel and all of his Mel-like qualities by insisting he join the Scanlon clan. As she leads him into the church she continues introducing him to everyone as Scott's "bestest, bestest friend in the whole world." So, not only is bitch cray, bitch is clueless.
Nighttime, exterior, H.O.W.
Into the living room, where Brandon sits at a desk, pretending to study.
Dylan peeks his head around the doorway and tells Brandon, "Your mom says to come to bed," which kind of sounds like she's saying for Brandon to come to her bed, which is a whole other, cosmic level of vile that I don't even want to get into at the moment, so moving on.
Brandon then proceeds to make Scott's death All About Brandon by recounting the three times he should've died: once on the mountaintop with Dylan, when Dylan failed to do the world a favor and "accidentally" lose his grip on Brandon's arm as he dangled ever-so precariously over a deep chasm; the second time when he apparently almost drowned when he was five; and third, he adds, "I easily could've bought it when I totaled Mondale." (Or killed someone else. Whatevs.) Don't remind me.
Dylan looks at Brandon like I always look at Brandon and reminds the egomaniacal little turd that he didn't die and maybe he should shut his goddamn mouth. Only I added the last part. Brandon then breaks THE UNIVERSE with his self-absorbed-ness and says that, "The only thing I can come up with is that someone up there must like me." Astonishingly, Dylan's head does not cave in on itself as mine just did, nor does he inject what he says next with vast quantities of disbelief and hatred as I would've; he simply asks, "Does that mean that somebody up there didn't like Scott?" Because, as aforementioned, Brandon is THE WORST PERSON EVER, all he can say is, "I don't know, man. I don't know."
Exterior, West Bev front entrance.
David Sad Sacks down the hall.
Dylan, in a great shirt I would very much like to buy for my boyfriend, and Brenda, in Classic Brenda Menswear BOSSness, catch up to David in order to act all awkward in asking him how he is (which he even more awkwardly responds to with a light and airy "Great! How you guys doin'?")...
...and then they stand there, looking all forlorn, like someone just died, for Christ's sake (oh...wait) after he quickly blows them off with a "I'll talk to ya later" and then jets.
Sadly for David, he doesn't jet very far before Steve accosts him, oafishly inquiring, "So tell me: did you actually see the gun go off?" followed by, "There musta been tons of blood, huh?" So I'm pretty certain we're all in total agreement that Steve should be the next to play with a loaded gun, right? Like, no argument from anyone on that front? Good. Great.
Next up in David's nightmare gauntlet, Kelly (looking very pretty with a hairdo I attempted, and failed, to emulate every damn day in the early '90s), telling David that she's feeling much better and that, "My stomach was on the warpath or something." Yeah, well, imagine how Scott feels with a slug to the gut, bitch. She apologizes for missing the funeral and then ever-so Stevely (i.e. tactlessly) asks, "Was it creepy?" David tells her, "It was a funeral," but not in an unkind, incredulous sort of way that her inquiry deserved, and then he bolts, informing her that he's got to start his terrible-as-fuck (I'm assuming) radio show.
Grievously, the worst of David's Hallway of Horror was saved for last. Brandon asks for the pictures of David and Scott that David was supposed to gather (which he hasn't) and then asks when they can sit down for a really uncomfortable interview about David's dead ex-best friend who he's treated like the vomit-scented drainage from a back alley dumpster for the past year. David mostly wants Brandon's tiny, pompous face and the small amount of cleave he's serving up to be out of his face, so he hurriedly tells him, "How 'bout tomorrow? Same time, same place," and then scuttles into the DJ booth for refuge.
Just as he's settling in to play some real shitty (I'm assuming) music Donna walks in the booth, asking how he's doing. He proceeds to bite her head off with a, "Well, you're about the 19th person to ask me that question today!" I get his frustration, but perhaps it would've been better used against the tactless, sheep-headed monstrosity who asked, "Did you actually see the gun go off?" and "There musta been tons of blood, huh?" Donna apologizes, though fails to make a mental note to not marry this loser in the future. David snips, "But to answer your question: I'm fine, okay? I'm just fine," grabs his headphones and puts them on, which is his way of getting rid of Donna, but should've been her cue to do this then turn tail and RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
GAG ME. AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's reading Brandon her article about Scott. Or rather, an article about her agenda, just like she was shrewing about to Brandon earlier: "'They want you to believe that guns don't kill people, that people kill people, but tell that to the 6,000 children who die from gunshot wounds each year.'" Then she HILARIOUSLY asks Brandon, "Is that too strident?" No. But I'll tell you what is strident: YOU, BITCH.
Brandon tells her it's not and prompts her to go on, which I'm certain he immediately regrets. She continues: "''But Scott Scanlon was more than a statistic. He was a product of the West Beverly Hills school system.'" WOW, what a lovely way to honor a dead kid's memory! I know I would've wanted "Carly M. - Product of the Littleton Public School System" on my gravestone had I blown myself away in a really disturbing fashion when I was a teenager. She tells Brandon that she doesn't like using the word "product" when describing Scott (probably too warm and fuzzy for her) and asks him what he thinks. Brandon, however, is too busy gazing in the direction of...
Emily, looking like Billy Idol's younger sister and talking to two 25-year-olds who sneaked onto campus. He seems to be unknowingly making googly eyes at her, which AHHHHHHHHNdrea sees and which provokes this reaction from her:
Which is pretty hilarious but when you think about it, also super-scary at the same time, given the fact that at this moment she's probably going through a mental checklist of all of the items she'll need to pick up at the hardware store in order to enslave Brandon in the basement of the Valley Hovel Of Zuckerman.
More of this.
Into the living room. These three sit disgustingly close on the couch, and Brandon, being Lord PIG DOG of All The Land, pulls Emily in by the neck to nuzzle and kiss her head, IN FRONT OF HIS SISTER, sitting next to him on the couch, and not just sitting next to him on the couch, but like, touching him, but those incestuous and entirely inappropriate overtones probably get Brandon off and I'm sure he'll take what he can get. Brenda looks like she's on the brink of either crying or upchucking or both, so she tells these gross assholes who have no sense of shame, "If Dylan calls, tell him I'm at the library, okay?"
Why, I don't know, but before she can execute a double salto pass out of the nearest window, she turns and slyly asks the other two, "I don't know, can I trust you two by yourselves?" THIS IS NOT HOW FEMALE/MALE SIBLINGS BEHAVE WITH EACH OTHER. PERIOD. I never told my brother and some girl he was dating, "Hey, are you guys down to fuck? Because if you are, maybe I better stick around." Jesus. Did no one on this writing staff have an opposite-sex sibling?
Brandon basically tells Brenda to get lost...
...so that he can ambush Emily's face with his face. Brandon Walsh: What A Romantic.
Including the obligatory Here's Brandon Or Steve Heinously Slobbering &/Or Heavy-Breathing All Over Some Poor Girl's Face/Lips shot for the episode.
He manages to peel his overly-dampened lips off Emily's now-saliva-soaked visage and tells her, "I feel guilty...I don't know, shouldn't we be serious? Or in mourning or something? I mean, somebody just died and unfortunately it wasn't me, but oh, wait, I forgot - not only am I my parents' favorite, I'm also Christ Almighty's favorite."
Emily looks pretty drugged up here, which I guess you'd have to be to be involved in any sort of amorous what-have-you with this dude, but anyway, she says, "But we're alive. Today, anyway. Our number could be up tomorrow." She adds that, "There's just one thing I wanna do before I die," and she means fucking. She wants to fuck before she dies, in case any of you didn't catch that, but you really should've, especially after they do more of this:
And then Brandon proceeds to intertwine his fingers in her hair (which somehow looks both greasy and like Sprite-from-Rainbow Brite's dried out asshole at the same time) and then press her down onto the couch, because Jim and Cindy are either dead or not home, but once again, I forgot that they don't care if their son diddles his girlfriends in the next room, so never mind.
David looks at the fuck-stick that is his father like we all look at the fuck-stick that is his father (i.e. with disdain, revulsion and a little bit of bile at the backs of our throats). Mel tells his son that "the human spirit has a remarkable capacity to recuperate," or some such nonsense, and then he makes a non-joke about being taught that in dental school, and if Mel's not careful he's liable to send his son over the edge and soon enough, David will "Pull A Scott," as it will come to be known. Which might not be the worst thing, come to think of it.
Before David exits the car, Mel embraces him. And probably whispers something really filthy about his and Jackie's bedroom life in David's ear. He's so the type that would do that, no?
David gets out of the car and heads towards the front door, but is accosted by Mrs. Scanlon, who's apparently gone so mad with the grief of losing her son, she's taken to wearing table clothes as shirts. How very Maria Von Trapp of you, Mrs. S. Anyway, she's there to guilt David into coming by the Scanlon Sanctuary later that afternoon to be given a bunch of Dead Scott's stuff. Oh, the time they'll have!
Inside, it's basically the same rig-a-ma-role as the previous day: David walks down the hall and everyone badgers him with kindness. Kelly offers up a dinner for Mel and David with her and Jackie...
...Steve proceeds to show David how far his mullet's coming along...
...Mr. Chapman pesters him about the inane time capsule project again...
...and finally, Donna, with this extremely strange half-updo going on, inquiring if David's going to do his just fucking awful (I'm assuming) radio show, seeing as it's quarter-past the hour and David usually starts the show on the hour, because he's apparently professional radio host Shadoe Fucking Stevens.
But of course David acts like a real crap-sack towards her, even though she's the only one who genuinely cares about him (because she was dropped on her head A LOT as a baby); he tells her, "I really don't wanna chit chat, okay?" and then storms past her. Hopefully into waiting arms of a running forestry mulcher.
Into the Blaze office. AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea comes frumping in in a shirt that doesn't belong anywhere except Rose Nylund's closet and sees...
...Brandon and Emily giggling and whispering and basically acting in public how you should never act in public as a couple. But of course their interaction gives AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea reason to make a big old actressy production of turning around and exiting the room again...
...which Brandon and his Patented Cheesedick Brandon Shit-Eating Grin witness, and then he goes running after her with nary an explanation to his girlfriend...
...whose reaction is this, but which should've also been followed by a 50,000 yard dash in the exact opposite direction. Emily appears to be just as over the whole Brandon/AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea back-and-forth, will-they/won't they no one gives a shit nonsense that we'll unfortunately have to deal with for another season-and-a-half, until we're finally spared from it when some smuggish, balding 35-year-old asshole by the name of Jesse Vasquez comes along and sweeps AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea off her orthopedic Easy Spirit-clad feet.
Out in the hall, AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's hideous top has somehow managed to change colors. Brandon catches up to her, telling her he has to reschedule the David-interview, which causes AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to really let out her gentle, nurturing side: "We've got a firm deadline. You know we might as well just drop this whole insert if that's gonna be his attitude." For some reason Brandon's not completely put off by AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's INCESSANT off-putting behavior, so he tells her that he'll work late to get everything out on time. Then they argue about her being a shrew and him being a real shithead (or something) and he asks if she's mad about him missing the snoozefest Citizen Kane showing with her the previous Saturday and that, "You said you understood."
So then this is embarrassing, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea tells him, "Well maybe I don't understand; maybe I don't like feeling like yesterday's news every time she comes around." Ummmmm...SHE'S HIS GIRLFRIEND. You are not, nor have you ever been, and yes, I'm including the time when you were going to lay out your nerdly nethers on the Peach Pit counter top for him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea says that she knows Emily's his girlfriend (does she? Because it doesn't seem like she's quite grasped that concept just yet) and she knows she'll get used to it (Spoiler Alert: SHE WON'T) but that, "At this point it still hurts, okay?" And then she walks away, hopefully into oncoming traffic.
Exterior, Scanlon Sanctuary.
Into Dead Scott's old room, with a "Livestock Show & Rodeo" banner hung above the bed. You can't say the kid didn't completely immerse himself in the cowboy way of life.
Mrs. Scanlon keeps pulling items out of a plastic box, like a photo of something taken over some Fourth of July spent at Lake Arrowhead, Dead Scott's Christmas stocking (which she attempts to force on David) another photo of David and Scott, and some Transformers, which, again, she tries to force on him.
It's at this point that David starts pretty much yelling at her, saying, "Why are you acting like we're still best friends?" I mean, no one is Dead Scott's best friend now, seeing as he's - you know - dead, but I see what he's getting at. Mrs. Scanlon's all, "Well...if you don't wanna help keep his memory alive..." and he screams her down with, "I didn't say that!" She then changes tacks by saying, "We're all experiencing your grief, but David, you mustn't be angry at Scott, or feel like he's abandoned you." David screeches, "I don't! Look, Scott accidentally shot himself in the stomach because he liked to play with guns. But I don't think that has anything to do with me!" in response. Sad Piano Music starts up as Mrs. Scanlon stands, dumps the contents of the box on Dead Scott's bed, and shakily walks away, adding, "Well, fine, then, take what you want, and I'm gonna lie down."
David jumps up off the bed and follows her, lamely calling after her like he did earlier in the episode after talking the mad smack that Scott overheard.
But then! He RIPS Scott's HAT from the HAT rack and aggressively chucks it across the room as the Angry Synth Drums come in. Seriously, you guys, it just got The Drum Solo at the 3:16 Mark In Genesis' "In The Air Tonight" Real up in this bitch!
Early morning, West Bev.
Into what appears to be the Tech room from last season, David sits in front of some screen, editing the ever-loving time capsule video.
Enter Donna, wearing a fitted plaid blazer I would gnaw my own cheek off to get my hands on. She asks why he's at school so early, and in this episode's grand tradition of him being a giant wang towards her, he treats her terribly and sarcastically informs her that, "I'm just peachy-keen, hunky-dory, okay?"
This time, however, Donna lets him have it: "Why are you being so nasty to me? I'm not a doormat, ya know." Actually, you've been a HUGE doormat with the toad the entire episode, but never mind that. Continue, please: "Half the time, you ignore me. And the other half you just wanna talk about Kelly. I mean, who stood by you and got everyone to come to that party? And who made a point of being at that funeral so wouldn't have to be there alone? And who talked to you when no one else would give you the time of day?"
AMAZINGLY, David eats crow (sort of): "You did. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't realize." Aaaaaand, he had me until that last part. "Didn't realize"? He "didn't realize" that he's been going out of his way to treat her like diarrhea-covered cat vomit for the last week? He must be suffering from that kind of amnesia that Drew Barrymore had in that one movie, I guess. Donna says, "Look, I know you're going through a really hard time right now. I'm just worried about you." David tells her, "Well, thanks. But, the worst part's over. I just gotta move on." The "worst part" being seeing your oldest friend quite literally spill his guts out in front of you, I assume.
David then, politely, tells her he's got to get back to his editing, and that he'll see her later. Donna, much more forgiving than me, which is why I don't have a lot of friends who aren't felines, sweetly says goodbye and takes her leave.
David fast forwards through some of the footage and winds up...
...here. Oh, dear. It's Pre-Dead Scott's Man-On-The-Street interview from the day David served up his Pretty Woman realness.
In the clip, Scott demonstrates why he absolutely deserved to die after David asks him where he was in 1941 and Scott replies, "I was in Vietnam. Third Infantry Marines." After David informs the cretin that he's got the wrong war, Scott tells him, "Well, we'll start again. I can get it right," and David, not unkindly, says, "You know what? I've known you my whole life, and I don't think you'll ever get it right...but you know what? I love you for it, man."
David's reaction to: 1. Scott's unbelievable stupidity; and 2. The lies he himself spews out so easily in the video.
To the hallway. Brandon has his arm flung around Emily and they're once again giggling about something.
And then this happens. Way to play it cool, Zuckerman.
Oh! But whatever dork guilt-trip AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea just sprayed all over Brandon worked, because he once more bails on Emily, telling her he's got to go talk to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to play into her little victim routine some more. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN, EMILY, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. Seriously, U4EA is a better choice than Brandon and his psychotic, needy, twisted relationship with the walking, talking, lukewarm glass of extra-thick Benefiber-laced water that is The Zuck.
Blah blah Brandon tells her that, "I feel bad that you feel bad. What can I do?" and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea tells him, "Shower me with attention and unnecessary concern, just like you're doing right now, because your relationship with your new girlfriend is OF COURSE about me Me MEEEEEE," blah, they make up and then she tells him she needs the David-interview within the hour, and he walks away to go get it, but not before she calls him "Ace" and turns my stomach completely.
Back to the DJ booth. David sits inside all contemplative, or maybe he's holding in some noxious farts, I don't know. David begins to say that he doesn't think he can do the interview, but Brandon thinks he's fucking William Randolph Hurst and barrels ahead with, "I can't push this back anymore, man. I'm on a serious deadline." For the school paper. Take a WILD guess as to what I'm about to say. Hint: it begins with a fucking and ends with a whatever.
David tells Brandon to make up a few quotes, then, but Brandon suggests David giving him a memory of Pre-Dead Scott, something that most other people wouldn't know, and that should be enough. David sarcastically tells Brandon, "Well he sucked his thumb until he was eight. Is that what you had in mind?" Brandon insists that they're putting the issue out as a tribute to Scott, and David asks, "Why? So people can glance at it and then throw it in the garbage?" I mean, that's probably what they do with every other issue of the Blaze, so...
Brandon says that people are supposed to get an idea of who Scott was from the article, which causes David to stand up all abruptly, knocking the microphone around, thereby turning it on somehow, and shouting, "Look, he was a jerk, okay? He was a jerk who blew himself away! That's who he was! You don't know! You left early!"
We cut to Steve and Kelly coming down the stairway as David adds, "You missed out on the fun part when he picked up a loaded gun and twirled it around like Wyatt Earp."
Over to these two in the doorway of the Blaze office, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea most likely not even paying attention to what David's saying but rather mentally plotting how to make Emily's untimely demise look like an unfortunate mishap.
The booth. David's Toddler RAGE is at full throttle: "You weren't there to see him goof up and see himself bleed all over his mom's Persian rug!" Brandon tells David that the microphone is on, to which David says, "I don't care."
Out to a shot of these three. Dylan's wearing one of my all-time favorite Dylan Shirts. David's wee voice continues his diatribe: "No one gave a rat's ass about Scott until he died, and I was the worst one of all. He was my best friend and I dropped him, because he wasn't cool like you or Kelly or Steve!"
Back to the staircase with these two. I wanted to show you that Steve appears to be just as shocked as any of us to hear someone describe him as "cool."
Booth. Brandon gestures toward all of these despicable people who can't even bother being subtle about their interest in what's going down. Which is precisely how I would behave in the same situation, so whatever. Also: I love the girl in the front there, puffing herself up like she wants to throw down. With what? No clue. David? The window? That Just Say No sticker? The Urkel/Jay-Z hybrid standing to her left? No one knows.
David says, "So they're looking at me? So what? They've been looking at me for days, Brandon! Oh, poor David. Is he gonna be okay? I hope he hasn't cracked up yet! I can't even walk through the hall without somebody in my face tryin' to cheer me up like they're my new best friend! What about my old best friend?" Um, he's dead. Remember? Or hadn't you heard?
So then Brian Austin Green tries, and fails, at fake-crying, and instead just breathes really heavily and high-school play-ishly turns away, runs a hand through his hair to denote grievance, and fills Brandon in: "It doesn't matter what you write about him in that paper, Brandon. It doesn't matter what you say about somebody once they're gone. What matters is how you treat them when they're still here." Too bad he didn't realize this before he started pooping all over his friend Donna the whole goddamn episode.
And then I guess in some kind of symbolism, David flips a switch and the "ON THE AIR" sign goes dark. Oooo, intrigue. I guess?
Brandon, packing a banana or perhaps a Shake Weight in his pants, and David exit the booth as all the Nobodies continue to stare and be complete monsters.
The Gang rolls up, being utter assholes and taking up the whole damn hallway. AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea tells David, "That took a lot of courage, David," and Dylan adds, "Listen, David, do yourself a favor the next time somebody asks you how you're feeling - tell 'em." No! Don't be one of those people who serves up their whole sorted, dramatic, trashy life story when asked a simple, "How are you?" Bottle it up inside and then tell your pets about it later if you have to.
Kelly, also a liar, chimes in with, "Yeah, you can be honest. We'll still be your friends." David asks when he gets to start feeling better (in like 5 minutes, dude; you're mourning period shoots itself in the stomach at the start of the next episode) and Brandon PSAs, "It might take a while, David. It happened so suddenly, you can never be prepared for an accident like that." Brenda adds, "Especially when you don't even get to say goodbye." David says, "Yeah, well it's too late for that now."
Donna, whose hair I wish was styled much better to go along with her amazing jacket, says, "Maybe not. I have an idea."
Shot of this door. A doorbell rings.
Turns out we're at the Scanlon Sanctuary again, David hands Mrs. Scanlon something and very nicely says, "Here's the video cassette I promised you. You may not wanna watch it right away" - mostly because he doesn't want her to come to the realization that her dead son was a dullard and the world is probably better off without him in it - "but I'm sure one day you'll be happy to have it."
She asks if he can't just come in for a minute and he politely declines, saying that he'll come back on another day to visit the Scanlon family and hang out in the house where he witnessed a heinous tragedy took place, seeing as, "Tonight I'm doing something kind of special." Mrs. S then tells him, "Wait a minute. You don't wanna forget what you came for," and hands him something that we don't get to see. She tells him that The Ghost Of Scott would be really pleased that David wanted to have whatever it is she just handed him.
Nighttime. West Bev courtyard area whatever. Brandon and Steve are digging a hole. As if. Brenda asks, "Are you almost done?"
How did they even get into the school? And will people not be suspicious the next school day when they spot freshly dug up earth in the center of the courtyard? Steve asks why they couldn't be doing what they're doing in the light of day, and no one responds that they'd rather not be blinded by his albinism, but rather, Brandon says, "It's practically a ritual now. Every 50 years, someone's gotta break onto campus and plant a time capsule." Kelly asks, "Yeah, but how do you know someone's gonna be here in 50 years to dig it up?" Dylan tells her, "Time will tell." GET IT? TIME WILL TELL? AS IN TIME CAPSULE??? DO YOU GET IT?????
David peers inside this trunk, telling the others, "Well, we've got books, CDs, magazines. All that's left is personal touches."
Unfortunately, AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea pipes up with what I'm certain she believes to be the most important contribution to the capsule: "Well, this is the Scott Scanlon Memorial Time Capsule, so I brought along a copy of our special edition on recycled paper [SNOOZERS] and a copy of floppy disc, which undoubtedly will be considered a primitive artifact in 50 years." More like 20 years. WE'RE OLD.
Steve then makes absolutely no sense by adding, "Well, here's my comment on today's technology: Corvette key chain." What? I'm too tired for this bullshit. Moving on.
Donna's up next: "In the forties they had nylon, in the nineties, we got Lycra spandex," and she tosses an entire bolt of the fabric in. Yeah, I don't know, either.
Brenda whips out the ever-so-tired Minnesota Twins tripe by saying, "I brought a very cool tee shirt in honor of the great Minnesota Twins for very obvious reasons, I think." By "obvious" she must mean "WE GET IT."
Dylan surfily shares what he brought: "Surfboard wax. It's to symbolize the waves that have been pounding the shores for thousands of years, but really, it's just a brief moment in time." Tell it to Johnny Utah, Dyl-hole.
And finally to David (I guess Brandon, Emily and Kelly were disqualified from adding anything to the pot because no one fucking cares), who pulls Scott's HAT from a paper sack
He turns the thing over in his hands a few times, mostly because he's never seen a HAT quite so big and was under the assumption that the thing was actually some kind of mid-sized spacecraft. He tosses it into the chest and says, "Well...there's only one thing left."
Sparklers! Which seems like an odd choice but I guess this is supposed to be some shout-out to Scott's weird preoccupation with Independence Day. Which David scolded him about in the "Wild Fire" episode, but I guess we're not supposed to remember that, given the fact Dead Scott's dead and all.
So then we get this pan of everyone holding their sparklers up in a semi-circle as eerie music plays in the background. Everyone looks pretty hot from this angle. Minus AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and...well, minus AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.
Donna clubs us over the head with the analogy I just mentioned: "Look, you guys, it's just like the Fourth of July!" Brian Austin Green is then required to clunk out, "This one's for you, Scott," with precisely zero inflection or emotion in his voice.
Pan up to everyone's sparklers and then fade to black.
Before we peace out on this post, I'd like to pay tribute to Douglas Emerson's illustrious acting career by sharing with you this pre-BH, 90210 masterpiece:
Check me back here next time for one of the most definitive episodes this series ever offered up, "U4EA." Sadly for everyone and their eyesight, we will be subjected to this:
Which will be immediately followed by a series of emergency room visits for uncontrollable dry heaving, as well as decades of intensive talk therapy to deal with the PTSD brought on by the sight of Brandon, topless, in his girlfriend's leather jacket with his gold chain slung just so across his bare chest. We'll also have to come to grips with this happening:
Which may just signify the end of the line for both my sanity and my desire to not die of a self-inflicted knife-wound to my jugular. Fucking Brandon, y'all. Until we meet again.
All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz; .gifs via makeagif.com; video via YouTube