Season 2; Episode 13 - Halloween: I'M ALIVE. And So Is Scott. But Not For Long. Also, Reminder: Please Don't Rape, Or Attempt To Rape, Anyone. Because That Makes You A Giant Piece Of Shit On Multiple Levels.

In which let's ignore the fact that I haven't been very attentive to the blog over the last infinity (real time: 3 months) and instead take a peek at the DVD menu for this disc:

I mean, look at it.

Reeeeally look at it.

Jesus.  Also: have I distracted you from my negligence yet? No? All I've done is provide you with an ample supply of night terrors for the remainder of your lives? Oh.  Well, then.  Carry on and...you're welcome? I guess?

                                                                                     

So we open with umpteen shots of jack-o'-lanterns lit from within by flickering candles.  Seriously, this goes on for at least 3 days.  A woman's screams can also be heard on the soundtrack, totally not inappropriate or disturbing and really just in keeping with the screams Kelly will be letting out later in the episode as she's being assaulted.  It's called "a theme," people.  Oh, and of course no opening montage would be complete without The Sweet Ghee-tar Lick.

We eventually fade up on these sad mini pumpkins with shoddily, Sharpie-drawn faces on them.

Unsurprisingly, it is AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea drawing the uninspired faces on the pumpkins, which are going to be party favors at The Valley Youth Center party AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's attending later that evening.  How fucking depressing: a tiny gourd with a shitty, Sharpie-drawn face on it + having to hang out with The Zuck all night? Happy Halloween, kids.

Brandon mocks AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's evening plans with a sarcastic, "Ohhhh, how sweet." AHHHHHHHHNdrea reminds him that he likes kids, too, which he affirms, and then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea adopts a high-pitched, sacchariny voice that gives us the tiniest glimpse of a sense of humor and mocks, "Ohhhhh, how sweet."

Brandon serves up this murderous glare, which is reminiscent of the time he seriously considered shaving Dylan's body of its flesh and boiling it up for a midday snack:

YIKES.

But seriously.

He continues to concern everyone by stabbing the pumpkin with the knife he's been wielding and twisting it around.  AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's face here speaks for us all.

BREAKING: But Not Really.

(I posted this filthy lie early last week on social media.* I had the intention of blowing through the writing of the "Halloween" recap this weekend.  Instead, on Friday night, I drank margaritas.  Followed by several vodka presses.  And on Saturday, in lieu of writing, I hated myself, slept on the couch, and only occasionally stirred to stuff grease-soaked grease into my mouth in the form of In-N-Out.  And then I thought about writing and didn't because being horizontal was more important.  In conclusion, "NEW POST UP WITHIN THE WEEK HURRAY" is a total sham, perpetrated by a delusional loser who is easily lured by the siren song of enchiladas, margaritas and Los Feliz bars crowded with boater hats and the bearded assholes who love them.  All of this to say that the post will not be up by Tuesday, or any other weekday next week.  But probably in like, the first week of May or something.)

Sing it, sister! Dylan's The More You Know Moment also self-servingly leads me to a shameless promotion of my next blog post, wherein I recap A Very Special Episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 about Halloween and how if you're costumed as a vampy witch, the guy who played The Jimmy on Seinfeld will try to force-feed you snack-size quesadillas and then attempt to rape you.  Which you'll totally deserve, by the way.  Because how can a man be expected to remember to not rape someone? I mean, really.  That's a tall order.  And on that note: NEW POST UP WITHIN THE WEEK HURRAY.

*If you don't follow me on social media, I don't blame you.  Also: I hate the term "social media." But if you're feeling particularly charitable, you can follow me on Instagram, Pinterest or Twitter.  I'm not that great about updating them or posting pictures of my meals or sunsets and stuff, but it would do wonders for my self esteem.

Season 2; Episode 5 - Play It Again, David: A Brain Exfoliation May Be Needed Following Sleaze-Coated Mel's Ensnarement Of Jackie And Her Hair Of ALL The Shame. Also: No One Cares About Brandon's Story Line. Just Like Always.

In which I kind of hate myself after writing this thing, given that I mercilessly poke fun at a character (a CHILD, no less) who is being beaten at home.  And has moles on his face.  I *might* be receiving my one-way ticket to the 7th Circle Of Hell following this one, you guys.  Let's just hope there's WiFi down there.  And alcohol.  And Seinfeld.  So anyway.  Let's rock.

So we start off at West Bev, with an exterior shot that's actually from the "Pilot" episode, seeing as  all of these extras who probably didn't earn their SAG cards with this showing are all looking up in the sky at Marianne's ridiculous airplane invite.

Inside, we see AHHHHHHHNdrea's clothed for some kind of Dress Like Your Hideous Mom Who's Stuck In 1983 Fashion Show? later in the episode? That's the only excuse for that Steve SAUNder'ed up, tail-fronted atrocity she's sporting.  Brenda, meanwhile, is wearing a dress that I would repeatedly make sweet, sweet love to.  ANYhow, as if anyone in creation cares, AHHHHNdrea's moaning about being humiliated.  No, not on just a daily basis because of how she dresses and her general demeanor, but about making a fool of herself for having to imitate a duck in front of their drama class and of course, Garg.

Donna looks rather adorable as well.  Or would look adorable if her skirt managed to clear her labia.  FUUUUUUUCK, Brenda's dress though.  Also: HAIR.  Anyway, AHHHHHHHNdrea's yammering on about something I don't care about because AHHHHHHNdrea.

And then here comes Kelly, Belly-Baring Bitch-Face.  She's arrived at school to take Brenda to lunch at the club with Jackie.  I pray that Jackie has fallen off the sobriety wagon and will be in Jerry Rattinger's cokey cabana, deviating her septum and wearing something similar to this elegant and tasteful ensem:

Nothin' screams "Coke Whore" more than a fringed pubic mound.

So Kelly's all ooked out about being in school during the summer and apparently is in a hurry to get to the beach to show off her odd, matching sports-bra-and-belt-looped-Umbros-looking getup.