Season 2, Episode 26: Things to Do on a Rainy Day - Well, this is frightening.

 An unwanted relocation.  Divorce.  Death.  Some of the worst humans I've ever encountered.  But also: a couple of the best.  And finally, FINALLY: a return to the (adopted-by-me) Mother Land (i.e. LA) by year's end.  I think I'm ready now.  Shall we dive in, 157 months since the last time I did this thing? Sure.  DO PEOPLE EVEN READ BLOGS ANYMORE? Eh.

Hey.  It's the Color Me Badd episode.  Is anyone even remotely excited about this?  I was not a Color Me Badder (oof).  Did those people exist, other than one Donna Martin, a fictional television character? Were they not, like, the O-Town of the late-'80s/early-'90s Boy Band Era? Do I think about this a lot, even when not writing about a 30-year-old episode of television wherein they guest star? I do.  ANYWAY, interwoven into the CMB storyline is FELICE MARTIN IS A CHEATING WHORE.  Our Felice would NEVER.  Except she totally would and does.  And then there's some idiotic plot involving Steve (so you already know it's idiotic) and Brandon and Dylan and AHHHHHHNdrea and a stripper and high jinks most certainly ensue and then we all die a little bit more on the insides.  Here we go.

Informative Credits get right down to it.  They're singing the song that will never not be in my head after recapping this thing, the embarrassingly titled, "I Adore Mi Amor" (which I actually, truly thought until transcribing this episode was called "Dream On").  

Katherine Cannon's name gets dragged into this mess, appearing over this shot of Not Kenny G, enragingly crooning about having to stay.  Where? We never find out, and also no one cares.

From behind we see that THAT MAN IS WEARING OVERALL CULOTTES LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.  He should fucking walk himself into the sea.  IT'S RIGHT THERE SIR.

But of course said overall culottes have one strap down.  We just couldn't help ourselves.  The guy on the right with his blow out and tremendously odd posing and Speed Stick gelled pit hair was clearly CMB's answer to George Michael.  But, like, Photocopy of a Photocopy George Michael.  Good bob, though.

Help me understand, Darren Star.

Season 2, Episode 24: The Pit and the Pendulum - Or, GEE WHAT'S NEW Brandon Makes Everything All About Brandon

In which FUUUUUUUUUUCK remember when television shows aired like, 75 episodes per season (reality: 25-28)? I realize that the first couple of 90210 seasons were longer because of the Summer Episodes, but Jesus Christ.  I am so ready for Season 3, even though it includes My Least Favorite Story Line In The History Of Television.

We open with some horrible rockabilly-adjacent music (which is almost certainly some ass-track they had to replace whatever originally played here for the DVDs) playing as we see a bunch of Old Timey pictures, the first of which is the HOLLYWOODLAND sign...

...then Grauman's Chinese Theater...

...then this one, which is a picture of the set from the Babylon sequence of the 1916 silent film Intolerance. (The Hollywood and Highland Center, which is directly to the east of Grauman's, has a three-story courtyard which was inspired by this scene.  Do you care? No? Just me? Okay.)...

...an autographed photo of Walt Disney...

...a black-and-white of Don Drysdale...

...the Capitol Records building...

...the inside of the Peach Pit in the Olden Days, and then over to Season 1 Peach Pit? I guess? I am already so bored.

We finally pan down to Worthless Nat, who's been Sad Sackily (and Worthlessly) gazing upon all of these photos.  We hear a ruckus in the background...

...which turns out to be Brandon, Steve and Dylan playing air hockey of sorts with saucers and coffee mugs on the counter top.  Because they are entitled rich assholes.

Nat agrees.

Willie! arrives and says nothing, because Willie's basically a mute until Season 5.

Brandon "wins" or whatever and hops over the counter like a completely unsanitary boor.

He and Dylan do some ludicrous bro-clap...

...and then he reaches down to grab the saucer that wound up on the filthy fucking floor, but Nat gets there first and snips, "Why don't you and your 'fans' stomp on my dishes next time? That way they'll be sure to get broken?" Brandon apologizes, even though he really doesn't mean it, and then Nat gets his cunt on some more and gripes about Brandon doing some work for once in his goddamn life.

After Nat heads to the back room, Steve's all, "The Peach Pit.  L.A.'s newest fun spot." Oh, go buy yourself another silken blouse from Casual Corner and choke on it, you curly-headed stye.

Later, Brandon comes around the corner and into the back room of the Pit and runs into Willie, who says, "'Scuse me, Brandon," so I'm a liar.

Brandon then heads over to Nat, and they talk about mustard and what a little bitch Nat is being, and then Nat waxes regretful about remodeling the restaurant right before the recession hit, and hopefully also about all the free food he gives away on a daily basis.

And then because everything's always All About Brandon, he asks, "Should I start lookin' for another job?" Nat says no, that he'll probably have to get rid of Willie (who most certainly runs circles around Brandon) because he wants a raise after five years, which isn't asking for all that much.  Brandon's all incredulous about Willie getting the boot, and Nat dramatics, "I'm not made of money.  Somethin's gotta give." Good thing you spent a bunch of scratch on karaoke equipment and then got rid of it in like, a week, in the previous episode.  Nat is officially the savviest businessman I know.

Season 2, Episode 22: And Baby Makes Five - Jackie's Knocked Up And Mel's The Father. I Mean, I Assume It's Mel And Not A Pile Of Coke.

In which a series of painful hysterical mix-ups and misunderstandings cause me to cry myself to sleep a little harder than normal.  Read on for all the agony hilarity!

We start off with Sappy Music as Jackie flips through a photo album, full of Jennie Garth's Kelly's baby pictures.

There's this one of Jackie looking at a Baby Kelly, at a time in her life when she wasn't coked up to Jesus.  I mean, I hope she wasn't.

Young Jackie holding Baby Kelly.

Pigtailed Kelly in one of those requisite class portrait shots with the 1980s' sky-blue background.

And another.

We fade to Current Day Knocked Up With An ABOMINATION Jackie, flipping the pages of the album, smiling vaguely.  Because she knows that she was such a heaping garbage-bag-full of a drug-addicted, alcoholic crap-mother and doesn't want to ruin her next kid's Mother-Daughter Fashion Show in fifteen years? I assume?

Enter Kelly, who sees what her mother is looking at and smiles, asking, "What are you doing?" Jackie tells her, "Oh, I was just remembering how sweet it was to hold a baby in my arms while still managing to cut a perfect line of coke, that's all." Kelly decides to brag about herself, even though it has nothing to do with what Jackie just said: "Yeah, I was kinda cute, wasn't I?" Jackie's only response is to laugh politely because it's not always about you, Kelly.

Kelly decides to cut a bitch by making her feel like a weathered, hanging-on-to-sobriety-by-a-thread old hag (oh, wait) and is all, "That was a long time ago." Jackie concurs, adding, "I'm too old for this."

As Jackie posts up to the island in the kitchen, Kelly asks, "You're going to the doctor today, aren't you?" Jackie corroborates this, saying, "As if I need him to confirm what every home pregnancy test on the market has already told me." Kelly asks, "What does Mel have to say about all this?" And I answer, "Who THUH FUCK cares?"

Which is basically Jackie's answer as well, seeing as she completely ignores the query and busies herself making eggs.  Kelly presses further and discovers that Mel doesn't know that Jackie's pregnant, because all he ever talks about is the day he'll finally be rid of his atrociously-coiffed, burden of a son, when he can finally throw all the all-night, group-sex-filled debacheries he's only ever dreamed of.

Kelly insists that Jackie must tell him and it's not a big deal: "He doesn't want a baby, you don't want a baby.  Why don't you just tell him that you're taking care of it?"

Jackie says nothing as the Serious Synth version of the theme song plays...

Season 2, Episode 19: Fire And Ice - I Will Deduce From This Title That Brandon Dates Another Emerging Arsonist Who Also Sculpts Ice? On The Side? Am I Even Close? Even Though I Already Know What The Title Refers To, Given That I've Seen This One Approximately 317 x 1,000 Times?

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