Season 2, Episode 26: Things to Do on a Rainy Day - Well, this is frightening.

 An unwanted relocation.  Divorce.  Death.  Some of the worst humans I've ever encountered.  But also: a couple of the best.  And finally, FINALLY: a return to the (adopted-by-me) Mother Land (i.e. LA) by year's end.  I think I'm ready now.  Shall we dive in, 157 months since the last time I did this thing? Sure.  DO PEOPLE EVEN READ BLOGS ANYMORE? Eh.

Hey.  It's the Color Me Badd episode.  Is anyone even remotely excited about this?  I was not a Color Me Badder (oof).  Did those people exist, other than one Donna Martin, a fictional television character? Were they not, like, the O-Town of the late-'80s/early-'90s Boy Band Era? Do I think about this a lot, even when not writing about a 30-year-old episode of television wherein they guest star? I do.  ANYWAY, interwoven into the CMB storyline is FELICE MARTIN IS A CHEATING WHORE.  Our Felice would NEVER.  Except she totally would and does.  And then there's some idiotic plot involving Steve (so you already know it's idiotic) and Brandon and Dylan and AHHHHHHNdrea and a stripper and high jinks most certainly ensue and then we all die a little bit more on the insides.  Here we go.

Informative Credits get right down to it.  They're singing the song that will never not be in my head after recapping this thing, the embarrassingly titled, "I Adore Mi Amor" (which I actually, truly thought until transcribing this episode was called "Dream On").  

Katherine Cannon's name gets dragged into this mess, appearing over this shot of Not Kenny G, enragingly crooning about having to stay.  Where? We never find out, and also no one cares.

From behind we see that THAT MAN IS WEARING OVERALL CULOTTES LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.  He should fucking walk himself into the sea.  IT'S RIGHT THERE SIR.

But of course said overall culottes have one strap down.  We just couldn't help ourselves.  The guy on the right with his blow out and tremendously odd posing and Speed Stick gelled pit hair was clearly CMB's answer to George Michael.  But, like, Photocopy of a Photocopy George Michael.  Good bob, though.

Help me understand, Darren Star.

Season 2, Episode 24: The Pit and the Pendulum - Or, GEE WHAT'S NEW Brandon Makes Everything All About Brandon

In which FUUUUUUUUUUCK remember when television shows aired like, 75 episodes per season (reality: 25-28)? I realize that the first couple of 90210 seasons were longer because of the Summer Episodes, but Jesus Christ.  I am so ready for Season 3, even though it includes My Least Favorite Story Line In The History Of Television.

We open with some horrible rockabilly-adjacent music (which is almost certainly some ass-track they had to replace whatever originally played here for the DVDs) playing as we see a bunch of Old Timey pictures, the first of which is the HOLLYWOODLAND sign...

...then Grauman's Chinese Theater...

...then this one, which is a picture of the set from the Babylon sequence of the 1916 silent film Intolerance. (The Hollywood and Highland Center, which is directly to the east of Grauman's, has a three-story courtyard which was inspired by this scene.  Do you care? No? Just me? Okay.)...

...an autographed photo of Walt Disney...

...a black-and-white of Don Drysdale...

...the Capitol Records building...

...the inside of the Peach Pit in the Olden Days, and then over to Season 1 Peach Pit? I guess? I am already so bored.

We finally pan down to Worthless Nat, who's been Sad Sackily (and Worthlessly) gazing upon all of these photos.  We hear a ruckus in the background...

...which turns out to be Brandon, Steve and Dylan playing air hockey of sorts with saucers and coffee mugs on the counter top.  Because they are entitled rich assholes.

Nat agrees.

Willie! arrives and says nothing, because Willie's basically a mute until Season 5.

Brandon "wins" or whatever and hops over the counter like a completely unsanitary boor.

He and Dylan do some ludicrous bro-clap...

...and then he reaches down to grab the saucer that wound up on the filthy fucking floor, but Nat gets there first and snips, "Why don't you and your 'fans' stomp on my dishes next time? That way they'll be sure to get broken?" Brandon apologizes, even though he really doesn't mean it, and then Nat gets his cunt on some more and gripes about Brandon doing some work for once in his goddamn life.

After Nat heads to the back room, Steve's all, "The Peach Pit.  L.A.'s newest fun spot." Oh, go buy yourself another silken blouse from Casual Corner and choke on it, you curly-headed stye.

Later, Brandon comes around the corner and into the back room of the Pit and runs into Willie, who says, "'Scuse me, Brandon," so I'm a liar.

Brandon then heads over to Nat, and they talk about mustard and what a little bitch Nat is being, and then Nat waxes regretful about remodeling the restaurant right before the recession hit, and hopefully also about all the free food he gives away on a daily basis.

And then because everything's always All About Brandon, he asks, "Should I start lookin' for another job?" Nat says no, that he'll probably have to get rid of Willie (who most certainly runs circles around Brandon) because he wants a raise after five years, which isn't asking for all that much.  Brandon's all incredulous about Willie getting the boot, and Nat dramatics, "I'm not made of money.  Somethin's gotta give." Good thing you spent a bunch of scratch on karaoke equipment and then got rid of it in like, a week, in the previous episode.  Nat is officially the savviest businessman I know.

Season 2, Episode 19: Fire And Ice - I Will Deduce From This Title That Brandon Dates Another Emerging Arsonist Who Also Sculpts Ice? On The Side? Am I Even Close? Even Though I Already Know What The Title Refers To, Given That I've Seen This One Approximately 317 x 1,000 Times?

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BREAKING: More Lies. Probably.

Firstly: Dudes.  I'm sorry.  (Because I know all of you wait around with bated breath for new blog posts.  Shut up, Carly, you self-centered douche, you say? Okay.)

My lower back (or lumbar spine for all of the medical professionals I'm certain read this blog), like my twat of a stomach, is one shifty bitch, hellbent on confining me to a mostly-horizontal position and causing the lower half of my person to burn with the same kind of searing pain I'm sure Steve experiences whenever he urinates out of his floccus-encased pee-hole.  So I've been dealing with the fact that I'm probably going to end up permanently hunched over, shuffling around in public while flailing a Penny Saver advert at passing cars and screaming, "PLEASE!" at my boyfriend to give me some of his cardboard.  Wait, what? Okay, that might've described a homeless woman I saw downtown outside of my office building at lunch one day.  But she was hunched over at like, a 90-degree angle and I'm pretty sure that's where all of her problems originated.  All of this to say that I've been trying to prevent myself from becoming that woman but it's been a slow process, and writing about attempted rape has kind of fallen by the wayside.

But! The post is coming along, I promise you.  I'm making a concerted effort to at least finish up the writing portion of it this weekend, and then hopefully gathering all of the screenshots over the course of the coming week.  I want to thank all of my very (patient) loyal readers,  You know that you rule and I know that you rule and because of that I'll gift you with what I now consider my New Favorite .Gif Ever:

And by "favorite" I of course mean, "Here.  Take this julienne peeler and slowly exfoliate the top layers of each of my eyeballs with it." Drink it in, guys.

Image courtesy of the author's Mad makeagif.com Skillz.

Season 2; Episode 9 - Ashes to Ashes: You Should Read This While Intermittently Watching Videos Of Kittens And Puppies Romping, Because It's Both Boring And Depressing And Videos Of Kittens And Puppies Romping Fixes Both Of Those Things.

This thing would've been up last weekend, but I was sick with what I'm pretty certain was Ebola or something in the same strain-family as Ebola, and also Gilmore Girls (shut up) arrived on NetFlix so that's been eating away at my entire existence taking up some most of my time (I said, shut up).  So, here it is.  Perhaps not the most inspired of posts (are they ever?)  but whatever.

In which I get to dissect an episode about police brutality against a black youth who's armed only with a pitiful bouquet of flowers and a tub of strawberry yogurt.  So...this shouldn't be awkward and uncomfortable in the slightest.  Can we go back to finding new ways to describe the decaying prairie dog corpse residing on top of Emily Valentine's head? No?  Okay then.  Let's get squirmy.

We open at House Of Walsh, nighttime.

Inside to the Living Room Of Walsh where a bunch of Adult Randos who fell straight out of 1982 are convened and sitting on folding chairs and looking at...something.

Which turns out to be this guy, standing at the front of the group, looking at his wristwatch.

Brandon and his trashy hair and Brenda, with her reasonably cute sweater and Vulvodynia Jeans, stand in the doorway and judge all the Old Timers.  Rightfully so, I believe, given how all of them are dressed.

And then Rando Guy launches into, "Believe it or not, that was 90 seconds.  Not a long time by any means, but certainly long enough for any garden-variety criminal to rob your house; rob you bat blind!  It's not my intention to frighten you!  I'm simply trying to point out that in that same 90 seconds, an armed guard from the West Beverly Hills Patrol would've been at your doorstep!" and dude needs to calm the fuck down and work on his presentation skills (or cut down on the coke) because he's like, shouting at everyone and coming across like a real bossy prick.  So basically, he's coming across like Brandon.

Cindy, Jim and some biddy sit in the front row and nod in approval.  Side note: Cindy looks very pretty in this scene.  Not that you can tell from this still.  But she does.  Trust me.

So Rando Guy says, "Before I take any questions, I'd like to thank our hosts of the evening - also they are our newest subscribers - Jack and Candy Welsh."

That was...GLOOOOOOOOORious.  As is Cindy's Cut A Bitch face.

As Rando Guy chuckles like some kind of sweaty sexual deviant and the crowd of Old Timers applauds, Jim and Cindy turn around and Jim clarifies, "It's Walsh.  Jim and Cindy Walsh."

Later, Rando shows Jim the ins-and-outs of the Walshes' newly installed alarm system.  Brandon and Brenda walk by making faces and Brandon condescendingly mutters to his father, "Well, now we can sleep at night." Jim mutters back, "Huh, don't get me started, this was your mother's idea," because he apparently thinks the man standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WHO WORKS FOR THE ALARM COMPANY HE'S CURRENTLY DISSING can't hear a single dickish word he's saying.

Cindy, meanwhile, has her hands full with the biddy, whose name we find out is Mrs. Cooper.  Cindy's talking about being another "block captain," because it will make her feel important in society and she won't have the need to knock back a bottle or three of Sutter Home white zin every afternoon (I'm paraphrasing).  Mrs. Cooper talks about some Lieberman's in the neighborhood whose house was recently broken into in broad daylight, as well as the some dude with the last name of Kaplan who has a bunch of yapping dogs.  And then she asks Cindy if she knows of the new people who moved into the old Walker house.  Cindy's all, "What are they like?" and Mrs. C. tells her, "Colored." Hahaha, just kidding.  She merely chortles all racistly and says, "Oh, you'll see."