Season 2, Episode 23: Cardio Funk - You'll Enjoy This One A Lot More If You're Not Saddled With One Of Those Pesky Gag Reflexes. Otherwise, Read At Your Own Risk, Preferably Squatting Next To The Toilet With Your Head Halfway In. Trust.

In which remember in the last episode when Brenda and Dylan were proclaiming their love for one another over vials of their own blood? Yeah, that's over now.

(Also: if you'd prefer to listen to me talk about this one rather than reading the overly-descriptive garbage-pit I call a "blog," head on over to the amazing The Blaze with Lizzie & Kat podcast and tune in to hear my ramblings on this very episode.)

Without further (non)ado...

...we open here...

...and then we're inside, where Brandon and his wee arms are exiting the back room carrying some kind of electronic device box.

He's followed by Worthless Nat, not being worthless for once, and Jim, non-sexually tag-teaming another box.

Jim sends Brandon to get another box out of the car and tells Nat, "I got a good feeling about this...did you read the brochure my client sent over? This is the perfect place for one of these things." Yes, a diner is a perfect venue for karaoke.  He continues, "You already have a well-established clientele.  This is only gonna bring in new traffic.  Believe me, that cashier's gonna ring." I think what we can conclude from all of this is that Jim has clearly quit the CPA biz and is now a low-classy karaoke salesman.

Brandon re-enters with the box in hand, and Jim tells him, "Make sure the whole crew is here tomorrow night when we crank this baby up, 'cause we are gonna rock and roll." Take it easy there, Fonzie.

Brandon makes a face like one you'd make when you finally come to the realization that your father's a complete disgrace.

Season 2, Episode 18: Walsh Family Christmas - Please Don't Make Me.

In which it's February and I'm writing about Christmas.  This was like the least fun thing ever.  And that includes the time I was hit by a car and left for dead by the side of the rode and then mauled by a pack of rabid coyotes.  And none of that ever happened but I'm pretty sure it would be a more enjoyable experience than anything having to do with this episode.

We open on this sign that says "New Mexico - Land of Enchantment." I've only ever driven through New Mexico (quickly), but never found it particularly enchanting.  Also, this music that you'd expect to hear on the soundtrack to Walker, Texas Ranger, plays in the background.  There's no other way I can describe it.

This bus rolls past the sign and since we unfortunately had to sit through the previous episode, we can be pretty safe in our assumption that this bus holds the fluff-headed dink we've all come to sort of grudgingly accept, one Steve "The Steve SAUNders Special" Sanders.

Sure enough, as the bus comes to a stop in front of some shabby building, we see Mr. Sanders' mullet peering out of his open window.  I'm certain that all of the other passengers really appreciate the open window, given that it's probably, like, -13 degrees there in December.  My takeaway from this is that everyone from Los Angeles is a hideously-coiffed asshole.

Steve descends the steps of the bus, saying, "Sure is cold here," like, perhaps, then, you moldy q-tip, you shouldn't have had your window open.  He's followed off of the bus by a teenage-ish girl of indeterminate race, which is I guess supposed to tell us that Steve is not a racist.  A terrible person in many, many ways, including the hairdo and clothing departments, but decidedly not a racist.  Anyway, Girl (we never learn her name because of course she doesn't matter) says, "If we're lucky, maybe we'll have a white Christmas."

Steve calls the idea "kind of neat," and then Girl can't beat it the fuck away from him fast enough, lying, "It was fun traveling with you," and then confirming our theory that Steve is a self-absorbed garbage person, when, after he thanks her for listening to him, says, "What else was I gonna do for 16 hours?" They have a laugh over that one, although I'm assuming her laughter was a means of covering up her tears, she wishes him good luck on finding his bio-mom, then sees her mom and thanks her lucky stars that any interaction with this wool-headed douche is over.  Peace out Mexican-Maybe-Some-Kind-Of-Native-American Girl.  We really hardly knew ye.

So as this really, really terrible, like, diarrhea-heavy version of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" starts playing in the background, Steve flings his bag over his shoulder and starts hoofing it down the street like fucking Joe Buck or something.

Season 2; Episode 11 - Leading From The Heart: You Will Probably Think A Lot Less Of People In Wheelchairs After Watching This Episode. I Know I Do.

In which we meet Brenda and Brandon's cousin from Minnesota, Bobby Wheelchair.  The reason he's in a wheelchair? Brandon.  Also, Bobby Wheelchair's a male Walsh, so he's kind of a douche.  And has the eyes of sexual assaulter.  And looks at Kelly like he's going to make Kelly-skin lampshades in the near-future.  And gets mad at Kelly for ever having gone on a date before he came to town.  And I really don't like the guy, if you couldn't already tell.  And I guess: read on.

While a sweet ghee-tar lick plays in the background, we open on this palm tree...

...and then fade down to the front entrance of West Bev...

...where our friend with his neon-and-black backpack makes the exact same trek up the steps as always.  Dude likes a routine, apparently.

We also get a shot of these dowdy (presumed) teacher-ladies and their Ross Dress for Less discount rack duds.

More Sweet Ghee-tar music plays as we see this mushroom-headed band loser.  Who actually looks more hip and "with it" than AHHHHHHNdrea.

Inside to the hallway with Brandon coming up behind Emily (now with semi-dyed roots!) and RUN EMILY RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND SOUL!

Brandon catches up to her and asks, "Where ya been, stranger? Long time no see." Emily does not answer with the truth (that she's been avoiding Brandon like the plague because he is indeed a plague, and a smug one at that) as I would've, but rather makes some excuses about her credits not transferring from her old school and that she's been taking sophomore make-up classes.  She asks Brandon what he's been up to and he's all, "Seems like I've been spendin' all my time on The West Beverly Blaze." Does he have to clarify that it's the "West Beverly" Blaze? Does Beverly High or Pacific Palisades High or fucking El Monte High have a school paper called The Blaze? I somehow doubt it, but if so, NO ONE WOULD CARE ANYWAY.  Except for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  But who cares, because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

Unfortunately, Emily seems all impressed and tells him that she's been reading his articles and I guess like, masturbating to them or something.  Brandon says that he's in a rush to meet Brenda and that she's taking her driver's test "for the third time." Emily's all, "What's her problem, anyway?" and as I recall, it was you and your upcoming pelvic exam, bitch.  But Brandon tells her, "Parallel parking.  We practice and practice but she just doesn't get it." And then he laughs and laughs about his sister's vehicular shortcomings like a real shithead.

Over in another part of the hallway, Donna (who looks great in white) Brenda (perfect as always) and Kelly (wearing...a shirt from Jackie's coke-fiend days?) walk together as Brenda talks about being freaked out about her driving test and hitting the orange cones used for parallel parking and the horrible dream she had the night before where she had to park a semi between two "gigantic oreenge [yes, she pronounces it "oreenge" and is adorable] cones" that were filled with explosives.

They wind up at Brenda's locker and she asks the other two if they were freaked out about their driving exams and Kelly braggarts, "God no.  I passed with flying colors.  I think some people are just born to drive." Donna sets the record straight and informs Brenda, "Oh, please.  You should've seen Kelly when she first got her license.  For the first month, I felt like a crash test dummy." Kelly admits that she had a few "fender-benders" but that's how she learned.  Ah, rich kids.

Brandon then comes up behind Brenda and gets inappropriately close and touchy and asks if she's ready.  Brenda asks where Dylan is and Brandon's all, "Throwing back a Zima Gold in the parking lot," only not really, but rather, "I saw him at lunch, he said he'd meet us out front."

Brenda, Donna and Kelly have a group hug which was nice.  Something to remember later in the episode when Bobby Wheelchair is eating our souls with his dead-eyed gaze.

Season 2; Episode 9 - Ashes to Ashes: You Should Read This While Intermittently Watching Videos Of Kittens And Puppies Romping, Because It's Both Boring And Depressing And Videos Of Kittens And Puppies Romping Fixes Both Of Those Things.

This thing would've been up last weekend, but I was sick with what I'm pretty certain was Ebola or something in the same strain-family as Ebola, and also Gilmore Girls (shut up) arrived on NetFlix so that's been eating away at my entire existence taking up some most of my time (I said, shut up).  So, here it is.  Perhaps not the most inspired of posts (are they ever?)  but whatever.

In which I get to dissect an episode about police brutality against a black youth who's armed only with a pitiful bouquet of flowers and a tub of strawberry yogurt.  So...this shouldn't be awkward and uncomfortable in the slightest.  Can we go back to finding new ways to describe the decaying prairie dog corpse residing on top of Emily Valentine's head? No?  Okay then.  Let's get squirmy.

We open at House Of Walsh, nighttime.

Inside to the Living Room Of Walsh where a bunch of Adult Randos who fell straight out of 1982 are convened and sitting on folding chairs and looking at...something.

Which turns out to be this guy, standing at the front of the group, looking at his wristwatch.

Brandon and his trashy hair and Brenda, with her reasonably cute sweater and Vulvodynia Jeans, stand in the doorway and judge all the Old Timers.  Rightfully so, I believe, given how all of them are dressed.

And then Rando Guy launches into, "Believe it or not, that was 90 seconds.  Not a long time by any means, but certainly long enough for any garden-variety criminal to rob your house; rob you bat blind!  It's not my intention to frighten you!  I'm simply trying to point out that in that same 90 seconds, an armed guard from the West Beverly Hills Patrol would've been at your doorstep!" and dude needs to calm the fuck down and work on his presentation skills (or cut down on the coke) because he's like, shouting at everyone and coming across like a real bossy prick.  So basically, he's coming across like Brandon.

Cindy, Jim and some biddy sit in the front row and nod in approval.  Side note: Cindy looks very pretty in this scene.  Not that you can tell from this still.  But she does.  Trust me.

So Rando Guy says, "Before I take any questions, I'd like to thank our hosts of the evening - also they are our newest subscribers - Jack and Candy Welsh."

That was...GLOOOOOOOOORious.  As is Cindy's Cut A Bitch face.

As Rando Guy chuckles like some kind of sweaty sexual deviant and the crowd of Old Timers applauds, Jim and Cindy turn around and Jim clarifies, "It's Walsh.  Jim and Cindy Walsh."

Later, Rando shows Jim the ins-and-outs of the Walshes' newly installed alarm system.  Brandon and Brenda walk by making faces and Brandon condescendingly mutters to his father, "Well, now we can sleep at night." Jim mutters back, "Huh, don't get me started, this was your mother's idea," because he apparently thinks the man standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WHO WORKS FOR THE ALARM COMPANY HE'S CURRENTLY DISSING can't hear a single dickish word he's saying.

Cindy, meanwhile, has her hands full with the biddy, whose name we find out is Mrs. Cooper.  Cindy's talking about being another "block captain," because it will make her feel important in society and she won't have the need to knock back a bottle or three of Sutter Home white zin every afternoon (I'm paraphrasing).  Mrs. Cooper talks about some Lieberman's in the neighborhood whose house was recently broken into in broad daylight, as well as the some dude with the last name of Kaplan who has a bunch of yapping dogs.  And then she asks Cindy if she knows of the new people who moved into the old Walker house.  Cindy's all, "What are they like?" and Mrs. C. tells her, "Colored." Hahaha, just kidding.  She merely chortles all racistly and says, "Oh, you'll see."

Season 2; Episode 7 - Camping Trip: Here's The Recap That Took Me Seven Centuries To Complete Because (SPOILER ALERT) It's Just The FUCKING WORST.

In which WHO CARES.  This episode sucks.  Many, many dicks.  And, as stated several times previously: Brandon almost dies, but doesn't.  SO WHAT'S THE POINT? TELL ME.  Also: there's this Rando Just Married Couple that shows up, and they're mostly creepy interlopers who completely lack boundaries, and who are well on their way to being deranged, typically fucked-up Beverly Hills Parent-types, but they Learn A Lesson from the kids and Steve and AHHHHHHHHNdrea so whatever, it's fine.  As long as the rich asshole teenagers from West L.A. feel good about themselves, that's all the matters, right? Right.  So anyway...did I mention Brandon doesn't plummet to his well-deserved and much-anticipated death in this one? No? Well, he doesn't.  I haven't been this disappointed since Brandon didn't die in a fiery, soused-up car accident after binge-guzzling Steve "Sandra [SAUNdra?] Lee" SAUNders' Semi-Homemade Hooch.  Anyway.  On with the (JUST GOD-AWFUL) show, I guess.  Go there.

We open, where else? on House Of Walsh.

Up to Brandon's room, where he's currently being squaty-legged and rummaging for something on the top shelf in his closet.  As he does so, Brenda calls from off-camera, "Brandon! You better give me your toothbrush and stuff if you want me to pack them for you!" Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!  And by "Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!" I of course mean "They're going camping with The Gang and I have maybe three moist shits to give about all of this."

Brenda enters her brother's room and sees him foraging for something (shoe lifts?) and says, "I hope you're not finding more stuff to take.  Your half of the bag is already full." Seriously, they're not allowed to bring more than a bag? The van that they've rented (I guess?) looks pretty huge, as you'll see, but I guess most of the space will be taken up by Brandon's ego and princely ideals of himself as well as Steve's Power Mullet and garment bags teeming with his trusty belly shirts.

Brandon finds whatever he was looking for and then almost eats it and crushes his skull and shatters his pelvis and snaps his spine and dies while coming off of the chair but doesn't, and this episode, in addition to being totally imbecilic, mind-numbingly tedious and a fucking waste of LIFE, is also really just one big tease and I don't appreciate it at all.

So what Brandon was looking for and found was this hat that I can only assume was part of his Boxcar Willie costume the previous Halloween.  And then there's this massively cringe-worthy moment where Brandon says it's his "lucky" hat, and Brenda LITERALLY describes it as "one nerdy looking thang," (yes, "thang") and he tells her that he thinks it's cool (of course he does) and her response is, "Well maybe to a beaver," and it's got to be the most awkward and unnatural scene between these two, ever, and it really made me clench my backside in a really unpleasant way.

Kelly then stomps into the room, wearing a Cherokee for Target t-shirt she borrowed from Brandon, and the shorts I wore everyday in 8th grade.  And she tells him that Steve is the fucking worst.  And no one in CREATION is surprised and everyone responds to her with a collective, "DUH."  But really, she comes in to tell Brandon, "You have got to do something about [Steve]...he is unpacking Donna's suitcases.  He said she's exceeded her luggage allowance." I would suggest that Steve has exceeded his word allowance for a lifetime, as well as the allowance of the number of racer-back tanks somebody can own, but no one ever listens to me so never mind.

Brandon leaves the room to go try to be all butch with Steve and throws his hobo-hat atop Brenda's head.  She immediately rips it off of her skull, fearing that his gross hair is catching.  I don't blame her.  So then the girls talk about how Jackie forced Kelly to bring David on the camping trip, because Jackie and Mel are going out of town to probably hang with a bunch of degenerate, couple-swinging oral surgeons or whatever revolting shit Mel's undoubtedly into.  And then Brenda says that Dylan's not going on the camping trip because his mom moved back? from Hawaii? Hell if I know.  I mean, obviously I knew Iris had moved back to L.A. with Dylan because of subsequent Season 2 story lines, but I find it odd that none of this was mentioned in the previous episode.  Like any sort of conversation about where Dylan's going to live and with whom.  Whatever.  Why I expect this show to be some beacon of continuity is beyond me.