Season 2, Episode 26: Things to Do on a Rainy Day - Well, this is frightening.

 An unwanted relocation.  Divorce.  Death.  Some of the worst humans I've ever encountered.  But also: a couple of the best.  And finally, FINALLY: a return to the (adopted-by-me) Mother Land (i.e. LA) by year's end.  I think I'm ready now.  Shall we dive in, 157 months since the last time I did this thing? Sure.  DO PEOPLE EVEN READ BLOGS ANYMORE? Eh.

Hey.  It's the Color Me Badd episode.  Is anyone even remotely excited about this?  I was not a Color Me Badder (oof).  Did those people exist, other than one Donna Martin, a fictional television character? Were they not, like, the O-Town of the late-'80s/early-'90s Boy Band Era? Do I think about this a lot, even when not writing about a 30-year-old episode of television wherein they guest star? I do.  ANYWAY, interwoven into the CMB storyline is FELICE MARTIN IS A CHEATING WHORE.  Our Felice would NEVER.  Except she totally would and does.  And then there's some idiotic plot involving Steve (so you already know it's idiotic) and Brandon and Dylan and AHHHHHHNdrea and a stripper and high jinks most certainly ensue and then we all die a little bit more on the insides.  Here we go.

Informative Credits get right down to it.  They're singing the song that will never not be in my head after recapping this thing, the embarrassingly titled, "I Adore Mi Amor" (which I actually, truly thought until transcribing this episode was called "Dream On").  

Katherine Cannon's name gets dragged into this mess, appearing over this shot of Not Kenny G, enragingly crooning about having to stay.  Where? We never find out, and also no one cares.

From behind we see that THAT MAN IS WEARING OVERALL CULOTTES LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.  He should fucking walk himself into the sea.  IT'S RIGHT THERE SIR.

But of course said overall culottes have one strap down.  We just couldn't help ourselves.  The guy on the right with his blow out and tremendously odd posing and Speed Stick gelled pit hair was clearly CMB's answer to George Michael.  But, like, Photocopy of a Photocopy George Michael.  Good bob, though.

Help me understand, Darren Star.

Season 2, Episode 25: Meeting Mr. Pony - Which Sounds Like The Title Of Some Smutty, Sordid Snuff Film Someone Like Mel Would Be Into, No?

Does anyone remember Graham from Saved by the Bell? The character had a one-episode stint in "Cut Day," the one where Slater and Jessie break up and no one cares because they aren't Zack and Kelly?

Yeah, this guy.  Well, here, he plays a sweaty, tweaked-out armed robber.  Which is unfortunate, mostly because he did so well as a recycling-obsessed MEGA DORK whose shirt served as a perfect 3-D interpretation of the SBTB opening credits.  Anyway.

We start here.

Inside, Brenda tries to study, while Dylan plays with her hair and is generally adorable...other than the fact that THE GREEN SHIRT.  NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo.  I thought we had left it behind in an on-fire dumpster earlier in the season.

Brenda speaks of electrons and cathode rays and upcoming midterms and all Dylan really wants to do is fuck.  Maybe right on the couch like Brandon may or may not have done with Emily? Why not!

Hot Slut Smooches.

But! Brenda's had enough of this shit, gathers her work, stands up and tells him, "Obviously we're not gonna get anything accomplished here, so I think we should go to a public place.  Someplace preferably very well lit."

Dylan's all, "Not the library?"

Season 2, Episode 23: Cardio Funk - You'll Enjoy This One A Lot More If You're Not Saddled With One Of Those Pesky Gag Reflexes. Otherwise, Read At Your Own Risk, Preferably Squatting Next To The Toilet With Your Head Halfway In. Trust.

In which remember in the last episode when Brenda and Dylan were proclaiming their love for one another over vials of their own blood? Yeah, that's over now.

(Also: if you'd prefer to listen to me talk about this one rather than reading the overly-descriptive garbage-pit I call a "blog," head on over to the amazing The Blaze with Lizzie & Kat podcast and tune in to hear my ramblings on this very episode.)

Without further (non)ado...

...we open here...

...and then we're inside, where Brandon and his wee arms are exiting the back room carrying some kind of electronic device box.

He's followed by Worthless Nat, not being worthless for once, and Jim, non-sexually tag-teaming another box.

Jim sends Brandon to get another box out of the car and tells Nat, "I got a good feeling about this...did you read the brochure my client sent over? This is the perfect place for one of these things." Yes, a diner is a perfect venue for karaoke.  He continues, "You already have a well-established clientele.  This is only gonna bring in new traffic.  Believe me, that cashier's gonna ring." I think what we can conclude from all of this is that Jim has clearly quit the CPA biz and is now a low-classy karaoke salesman.

Brandon re-enters with the box in hand, and Jim tells him, "Make sure the whole crew is here tomorrow night when we crank this baby up, 'cause we are gonna rock and roll." Take it easy there, Fonzie.

Brandon makes a face like one you'd make when you finally come to the realization that your father's a complete disgrace.

Season 2, Episode 19: Fire And Ice - I Will Deduce From This Title That Brandon Dates Another Emerging Arsonist Who Also Sculpts Ice? On The Side? Am I Even Close? Even Though I Already Know What The Title Refers To, Given That I've Seen This One Approximately 317 x 1,000 Times?

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BREAKING: More Lies. Probably.

Firstly: Dudes.  I'm sorry.  (Because I know all of you wait around with bated breath for new blog posts.  Shut up, Carly, you self-centered douche, you say? Okay.)

My lower back (or lumbar spine for all of the medical professionals I'm certain read this blog), like my twat of a stomach, is one shifty bitch, hellbent on confining me to a mostly-horizontal position and causing the lower half of my person to burn with the same kind of searing pain I'm sure Steve experiences whenever he urinates out of his floccus-encased pee-hole.  So I've been dealing with the fact that I'm probably going to end up permanently hunched over, shuffling around in public while flailing a Penny Saver advert at passing cars and screaming, "PLEASE!" at my boyfriend to give me some of his cardboard.  Wait, what? Okay, that might've described a homeless woman I saw downtown outside of my office building at lunch one day.  But she was hunched over at like, a 90-degree angle and I'm pretty sure that's where all of her problems originated.  All of this to say that I've been trying to prevent myself from becoming that woman but it's been a slow process, and writing about attempted rape has kind of fallen by the wayside.

But! The post is coming along, I promise you.  I'm making a concerted effort to at least finish up the writing portion of it this weekend, and then hopefully gathering all of the screenshots over the course of the coming week.  I want to thank all of my very (patient) loyal readers,  You know that you rule and I know that you rule and because of that I'll gift you with what I now consider my New Favorite .Gif Ever:

And by "favorite" I of course mean, "Here.  Take this julienne peeler and slowly exfoliate the top layers of each of my eyeballs with it." Drink it in, guys.

Image courtesy of the author's Mad makeagif.com Skillz.