Season 2, Episode 20: A Competitive Edge - Steve's Back To Being A Complete Dildo. Show Of Hands Of Those Of You Who Are Surprised? Zero? Zero Hands? That's What I Thought.

In which fucking Steve, man.  Just...what a blight upon mankind and his friends and curly hair everywhere.

So we start with approximately 87 hours of track and field events in slow-mo.  First up is this guy doing the long? jump? And panting.  And grunting.  Also presented in slow-motion.

And then this different guy lands in the sand pit thing or whatever, with a bunch of Randos watching from the sidelines.  All of this is nearly as fascinating as the early-episode hockey antics we were subjected to during "Fire and Ice."

High jump.  More grunting.

These people run around the track, huffing and puffing and some are wearing Spandex bike shorts, which was required of anyone participating in a physical activity in the early '90s.  Or by girls like me who badly wanted to be their middle school's Clarissa Darling or Kelly Kapowski and failing miserably on all counts.

A baton is passed.  My nose begins to bleed because I've snorted a bunch of methamphetamine in a desperate attempt to stay awake.

This 37-year-old man prepares a shot put.  We'll be dealing with this piece of shit's smug face more in a few minutes.  Anyway, he - SHOCK - grunts and throws the shot.

Steve.  Stretching.  In one of his trusty Forever 21 clearance rack racer-back tanks.  Which provides just a hint of a view of his right nipple.  Thanks for that, Steve.

There's a gun shot, unfortunately not directed toward Steve's hair.  It was actually a starting gun for these FUCKING GROWN MEN, like, straight-up 30-something-dudes, to start their hurdle race.

Then we get this shot of an old-school stop watch being stopped or started and we see that it belongs to...

...This Guy! You know, the guy in "The Next Fifty Years" where Dead Scott dead-Scotted himself into that great big dude ranch in the sky? Mr. Chapman! Or, Chappie, as I like to call him (no, I don't, but it stays for the remainder of the recap).

Here's a guy pole vaulting and can you guess what he's doing while vaulting? Can you???

Run a knife across my throat.

Season 2, Episode 17: Chuckie's Back - Sick And Tired Of Christmas-Related Everything At This Point? Oh. Well. This is Awkward. My Timing On These Is Flawless As Always.

In which Steve adopts a child television actor named Bucky and Donna and David do the worm at a dance something-something.  I don't know.  You should probably read ahead to find out if either of those things are true.

As is the tradition, we open with a Sweet Ghee-tar Lick and a pan-down to the front of West Beverly.

Obligatory Rando Extras' shots...

...including one of this Urkel/Dwayne Wayne-hybrid dude wearing a suit and tie and talking into a phone that's cord is coming out of a briefcase?  Is this real life???

We continue with shots of things such as the Mushroom-Headed Band Loser as David's pipsqueaky voice chimes in over the P.A. system, to the detriment of everyone's ear drums: "Yo, West Beverly.  Don't forget West Beverly and Beverly get together this Friday for the annual Winter Dance starting at 8 p.m. in the West Beverly gym.  Be there." How sucky.  No, I don't mean David's voice, even though yes, it is sucky, but the "suck" I'm referring to is the fact that West Bev has to share a dance with another school.  Their rival, no less.  I only care because I'm a total life failure.

Into the hallway, we have Donna (wearing something very beige and bland and sleep-inducing), Kelly (wearing a cute, if not slightly dated-looking shirt) and Brenda (looking okay in a so-so blazer and a headband I would like to burn right off her gorgeous head of hair) walking through a doorway as some garland falls from above, Kelly expositing, "God, I'll be glad when finals are over." Donna doesn't know how the school can expect them to take finals, "when we have Christmas shopping to do." Ahh, Ye Olde Timey days before internet shopping.

They talk some more about finals before moving the conversation over to what to wear to the Winter Dance as they congregate at Donna's locker.  Kelly suggests to Donna, "Why don't you wear a big sign that says, 'I'm here with David Silver, but I'm really still available.'" Donna's not in the mood to be reminded of her God-awful taste in dudes and she tells Kelly, "We are just friends," and then no one believes her because her pants are currently on fire.  Also: Kelly needs to give me her bag like, now.

Over to Brandon Cool Guy-leaning against the staircase banister as Steve comes down and erotically breathes into his ear, "Big, big, big, big dance Friday night."

And then, cripes, after Steve asks if he's going to the dance, Brandon delves into his ever-so-tired rhetoric of I Don't Dance, even though we've all been subjected to...well, how many times must I remind you:

Yeah.  And maybe, then, it's not so much that Brandon Won't Dance; it's that he was banned by society from dancing ever, ever, ever again following the above display which clearly signified End Of Days.

Steve informs his elfin friend that, "It's just called a dance! You don't actually have to dance," and then he does this:

Like sort of shimmies and it was kind of funny and WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I BECOME.  I can feel myself developing a soft spot for Steve and MAKE IT STOP.

Anyway, Steve informs Brandon that he was thinking of asking Kelly to the dance and that, "I think she deserves another chance." Yes! Yes! Say more things like that! Those kinds of things do wonders for my I Hate Steve Sanders life motto.  Brandon's all, "You're giving her another chance? Isn't she the one who broke up with you?" Steve, deluded as usual: "Yeah.  But I forgave her."

Season 2; Episode 7 - Camping Trip: Here's The Recap That Took Me Seven Centuries To Complete Because (SPOILER ALERT) It's Just The FUCKING WORST.

In which WHO CARES.  This episode sucks.  Many, many dicks.  And, as stated several times previously: Brandon almost dies, but doesn't.  SO WHAT'S THE POINT? TELL ME.  Also: there's this Rando Just Married Couple that shows up, and they're mostly creepy interlopers who completely lack boundaries, and who are well on their way to being deranged, typically fucked-up Beverly Hills Parent-types, but they Learn A Lesson from the kids and Steve and AHHHHHHHHNdrea so whatever, it's fine.  As long as the rich asshole teenagers from West L.A. feel good about themselves, that's all the matters, right? Right.  So anyway...did I mention Brandon doesn't plummet to his well-deserved and much-anticipated death in this one? No? Well, he doesn't.  I haven't been this disappointed since Brandon didn't die in a fiery, soused-up car accident after binge-guzzling Steve "Sandra [SAUNdra?] Lee" SAUNders' Semi-Homemade Hooch.  Anyway.  On with the (JUST GOD-AWFUL) show, I guess.  Go there.

We open, where else? on House Of Walsh.

Up to Brandon's room, where he's currently being squaty-legged and rummaging for something on the top shelf in his closet.  As he does so, Brenda calls from off-camera, "Brandon! You better give me your toothbrush and stuff if you want me to pack them for you!" Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!  And by "Ooo, intrigue about where they could possibly be going!" I of course mean "They're going camping with The Gang and I have maybe three moist shits to give about all of this."

Brenda enters her brother's room and sees him foraging for something (shoe lifts?) and says, "I hope you're not finding more stuff to take.  Your half of the bag is already full." Seriously, they're not allowed to bring more than a bag? The van that they've rented (I guess?) looks pretty huge, as you'll see, but I guess most of the space will be taken up by Brandon's ego and princely ideals of himself as well as Steve's Power Mullet and garment bags teeming with his trusty belly shirts.

Brandon finds whatever he was looking for and then almost eats it and crushes his skull and shatters his pelvis and snaps his spine and dies while coming off of the chair but doesn't, and this episode, in addition to being totally imbecilic, mind-numbingly tedious and a fucking waste of LIFE, is also really just one big tease and I don't appreciate it at all.

So what Brandon was looking for and found was this hat that I can only assume was part of his Boxcar Willie costume the previous Halloween.  And then there's this massively cringe-worthy moment where Brandon says it's his "lucky" hat, and Brenda LITERALLY describes it as "one nerdy looking thang," (yes, "thang") and he tells her that he thinks it's cool (of course he does) and her response is, "Well maybe to a beaver," and it's got to be the most awkward and unnatural scene between these two, ever, and it really made me clench my backside in a really unpleasant way.

Kelly then stomps into the room, wearing a Cherokee for Target t-shirt she borrowed from Brandon, and the shorts I wore everyday in 8th grade.  And she tells him that Steve is the fucking worst.  And no one in CREATION is surprised and everyone responds to her with a collective, "DUH."  But really, she comes in to tell Brandon, "You have got to do something about [Steve]...he is unpacking Donna's suitcases.  He said she's exceeded her luggage allowance." I would suggest that Steve has exceeded his word allowance for a lifetime, as well as the allowance of the number of racer-back tanks somebody can own, but no one ever listens to me so never mind.

Brandon leaves the room to go try to be all butch with Steve and throws his hobo-hat atop Brenda's head.  She immediately rips it off of her skull, fearing that his gross hair is catching.  I don't blame her.  So then the girls talk about how Jackie forced Kelly to bring David on the camping trip, because Jackie and Mel are going out of town to probably hang with a bunch of degenerate, couple-swinging oral surgeons or whatever revolting shit Mel's undoubtedly into.  And then Brenda says that Dylan's not going on the camping trip because his mom moved back? from Hawaii? Hell if I know.  I mean, obviously I knew Iris had moved back to L.A. with Dylan because of subsequent Season 2 story lines, but I find it odd that none of this was mentioned in the previous episode.  Like any sort of conversation about where Dylan's going to live and with whom.  Whatever.  Why I expect this show to be some beacon of continuity is beyond me.