Season 2, Episode 24: The Pit and the Pendulum - Or, GEE WHAT'S NEW Brandon Makes Everything All About Brandon

In which FUUUUUUUUUUCK remember when television shows aired like, 75 episodes per season (reality: 25-28)? I realize that the first couple of 90210 seasons were longer because of the Summer Episodes, but Jesus Christ.  I am so ready for Season 3, even though it includes My Least Favorite Story Line In The History Of Television.

We open with some horrible rockabilly-adjacent music (which is almost certainly some ass-track they had to replace whatever originally played here for the DVDs) playing as we see a bunch of Old Timey pictures, the first of which is the HOLLYWOODLAND sign...

...then Grauman's Chinese Theater...

...then this one, which is a picture of the set from the Babylon sequence of the 1916 silent film Intolerance. (The Hollywood and Highland Center, which is directly to the east of Grauman's, has a three-story courtyard which was inspired by this scene.  Do you care? No? Just me? Okay.)...

...an autographed photo of Walt Disney...

...a black-and-white of Don Drysdale...

...the Capitol Records building...

...the inside of the Peach Pit in the Olden Days, and then over to Season 1 Peach Pit? I guess? I am already so bored.

We finally pan down to Worthless Nat, who's been Sad Sackily (and Worthlessly) gazing upon all of these photos.  We hear a ruckus in the background...

...which turns out to be Brandon, Steve and Dylan playing air hockey of sorts with saucers and coffee mugs on the counter top.  Because they are entitled rich assholes.

Nat agrees.

Willie! arrives and says nothing, because Willie's basically a mute until Season 5.

Brandon "wins" or whatever and hops over the counter like a completely unsanitary boor.

He and Dylan do some ludicrous bro-clap...

...and then he reaches down to grab the saucer that wound up on the filthy fucking floor, but Nat gets there first and snips, "Why don't you and your 'fans' stomp on my dishes next time? That way they'll be sure to get broken?" Brandon apologizes, even though he really doesn't mean it, and then Nat gets his cunt on some more and gripes about Brandon doing some work for once in his goddamn life.

After Nat heads to the back room, Steve's all, "The Peach Pit.  L.A.'s newest fun spot." Oh, go buy yourself another silken blouse from Casual Corner and choke on it, you curly-headed stye.

Later, Brandon comes around the corner and into the back room of the Pit and runs into Willie, who says, "'Scuse me, Brandon," so I'm a liar.

Brandon then heads over to Nat, and they talk about mustard and what a little bitch Nat is being, and then Nat waxes regretful about remodeling the restaurant right before the recession hit, and hopefully also about all the free food he gives away on a daily basis.

And then because everything's always All About Brandon, he asks, "Should I start lookin' for another job?" Nat says no, that he'll probably have to get rid of Willie (who most certainly runs circles around Brandon) because he wants a raise after five years, which isn't asking for all that much.  Brandon's all incredulous about Willie getting the boot, and Nat dramatics, "I'm not made of money.  Somethin's gotta give." Good thing you spent a bunch of scratch on karaoke equipment and then got rid of it in like, a week, in the previous episode.  Nat is officially the savviest businessman I know.

Season 2, Episode 20: A Competitive Edge - Steve's Back To Being A Complete Dildo. Show Of Hands Of Those Of You Who Are Surprised? Zero? Zero Hands? That's What I Thought.

In which fucking Steve, man.  Just...what a blight upon mankind and his friends and curly hair everywhere.

So we start with approximately 87 hours of track and field events in slow-mo.  First up is this guy doing the long? jump? And panting.  And grunting.  Also presented in slow-motion.

And then this different guy lands in the sand pit thing or whatever, with a bunch of Randos watching from the sidelines.  All of this is nearly as fascinating as the early-episode hockey antics we were subjected to during "Fire and Ice."

High jump.  More grunting.

These people run around the track, huffing and puffing and some are wearing Spandex bike shorts, which was required of anyone participating in a physical activity in the early '90s.  Or by girls like me who badly wanted to be their middle school's Clarissa Darling or Kelly Kapowski and failing miserably on all counts.

A baton is passed.  My nose begins to bleed because I've snorted a bunch of methamphetamine in a desperate attempt to stay awake.

This 37-year-old man prepares a shot put.  We'll be dealing with this piece of shit's smug face more in a few minutes.  Anyway, he - SHOCK - grunts and throws the shot.

Steve.  Stretching.  In one of his trusty Forever 21 clearance rack racer-back tanks.  Which provides just a hint of a view of his right nipple.  Thanks for that, Steve.

There's a gun shot, unfortunately not directed toward Steve's hair.  It was actually a starting gun for these FUCKING GROWN MEN, like, straight-up 30-something-dudes, to start their hurdle race.

Then we get this shot of an old-school stop watch being stopped or started and we see that it belongs to...

...This Guy! You know, the guy in "The Next Fifty Years" where Dead Scott dead-Scotted himself into that great big dude ranch in the sky? Mr. Chapman! Or, Chappie, as I like to call him (no, I don't, but it stays for the remainder of the recap).

Here's a guy pole vaulting and can you guess what he's doing while vaulting? Can you???

Run a knife across my throat.

Season 2; Episode 14 - The Next Fifty Years: Of My Life Will Be Spent Coming Up With New Ways Of Saying "Steve's Hair Is A Sinister Underworld Filled To The Brim With Excrement" And "I Really Fucking Hate Brandon." Read On For The Most Recent Additions To My List.

(First and foremost, I'd like to send a birthday shout-out to the one and only Rach! A ride-or-die kind of a broad who's been an immense source of support of this nonsense for a while now...which actually kind of makes me question her judgment and psychological stability, but that's neither here nor there.  For your special day, Rach, as requested, I got you this profanity-laden blog post about a fair-haired loser who accidentally shoots himself and dies.  On his birthday.  So.  Happy Birthday to you? I guess? This is a really dreadful gift.)

In which we all know what happens in this one: Brenda bestows us with the dance move that launched a thousand-and-one imitations.  In my life anyway.

I've attempted to recreate this Julliard School Dance Division-worthy move since the moment this episode aired, only in the privacy of my own bedroom and, in more recent years, only with (potentially) a few pairs of judgy-ass cat eyes on me.  I've never been able to fully capture the grace and elegance Shannen Doherty clearly brought to the table with this one, but I try.  Still, I try.  Even if I ever only achieve 1/1,000,000th of the funk she's serving up here, I would be unable to share it with the public.  Mikhail Baryshnikov and Twyla Tharp and Blossom Russo would be so overcome with boiling jealousy and self-doubt, they'd never dance again, and I just wouldn't be able to live with that.

Oh, and also: Scott blows his digestive tract off.  And dies.  Whatever.

We open - as is so often the case - with the tip-tops of palm trees as we hear "This Is My Country" on the soundtrack.

We slowly pan down, seeing Douglas Emerson's name's final appearance onscreen...

...to the parched quad area of West Bev.  A choir is singing the aforementioned song and a bunch of other students who apparently have nothing better to do are gathered 'round.  We also see the banner proclaiming, "West Beverly Hills High School Time Capsule," and then the dates 1941 and 1991, hanging from the balcony.

Pan over the choir dorks.  I can say that because I was a choir dork in middle and high school.  And a really atrocious one at that.

More panning over the crowd.  This recedingly hair-lined dude wearing the unfortunate combination of a turtleneck under a button-down shirt (ah, the early-'90s) appears to be a member of the SAUNders family, or perhaps just another student giving Steve a run for his 41-year-old money in the 41-year-old department.

Sidebar: I didn't notice this person until I started screencapping but seriously, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY.  He clearly arrived in 1991 in a time machine from the 1984 movie, This Is Spinal Tap.

Finally (and regrettably) we wind up on David, filming the goings-on in a shirt he appears to have fashioned out of the fabric scraps left over after Vivian Ward's polo match dress was made.  Except that since his shirt clearly moonlights as a fumigation tarp for the Spelling Mansion, it's more likely that he so fancied Vivian's dress that he headed to ALL the Jo-Anns to buy ALL the bolts of this fabric in ALL of the state of California, as well as parts of Arizona and Oregon.  Also: we're only 2:02 into this episode and I've already made a Pretty Woman reference.  I can hardly wait to see how many more I can cram in, given that I'm going through withdrawals, having not made a single one in my "Halloween" recap.  Moving on.

So then we get David's vantage point of looking through the camera (how clever) as he focuses on the banner.

Then we sadly get David's tinny voiceover as he pans down to Brandon and his Smug Brandon Mug (slathered in Blush-&-Bashful Bronzer, it appears) wearing a sports coat and a tie, and AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea wearing what could be a cute dress but is more than likely an abomination.  I mean, it's AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea after all.  David says, "That's Brandon Walsh with the editorial board [ed. note: oh, please]; AHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman, [and he seriously says "AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea," like, exactly how I write it, and he sounds kind of irritated with it, which was pretty boss and very un-David-like, really] editor-in-chief of the Blaze."

Mrs. T.  Dressed as Bette Midler and Bette Midler's SHOULDER PADS in Big Business? Silly Mrs. T. - Halloween was last episode!

And then David gets this guy, "Mr. Chapman," who we'll see later in the episode as well as later in the season as Brandon and a 'roided-up Steve's track and field coach.

The Blonde Brigade, surrounded as always by a bunch of Nobodies.  David refers to them as "the Three Amigos," because he's just as quick-witted as I am.

He then sets in his sights Dylan and Brenda, and what a fucking nuisance to everyone else in the crowd, lurking around, stalking the clique he so desperately wants to be included in.  Also: see the horror in Brenda's eyes at his approach? That's pure, primal fear right there.

As he gets closer, he says, "Dylan McKay and Brenda Walsh, popular...a campus couple," and of course Dylan's reaction is to tell the troglodyte to go fuck himself.  Well played, Dylan, well played.

David creeps around getting more footage ("footage" = "jack-off material for later") as we wind up back with Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea onstage.  (Don't hate me but I like Brandon's hair here; what can I say? I like a good pomp.)  He asks AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea how many verses are in the ever-loving "This Is My Country," because seriously, it's been going on for several hours at this point.  AHHHHHHHHHNdrea then reminds Brandon that, "Citizen Kane is Saturday night," which sounds like a surefire cure for insomnia to me, especially in the company of AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her rat's ass hair, but whatever.  Brandon then makes the grave mistake of bailing on her, seeing as he's got a date with Emily that night, and though barely audible or visible, if you look hard enough and listen hard enough you'll observe AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea turning away and seething, "If I can't have you, no one can," out of her foaming mouth.

FINALLY, the choir is through and Mrs, T. and her SHOULDER PADS head to the microphone, advising everyone assembled, "I'd like to thank our special guests from the Class of '41, who invite all of you to take a closer look at the time capsule.  Thank you.  We'll see ya tomorrow." And then everyone claps.  Because this lame assembly is over.

David, in a shirt Dorothy Zbornak would deem "too shapeless," heads back over to Dylan and Brenda, embarrassing himself further by begging Dylan for "just one sound bite, please.  That's all I ask."

Season 2; Episode 11 - Leading From The Heart: You Will Probably Think A Lot Less Of People In Wheelchairs After Watching This Episode. I Know I Do.

In which we meet Brenda and Brandon's cousin from Minnesota, Bobby Wheelchair.  The reason he's in a wheelchair? Brandon.  Also, Bobby Wheelchair's a male Walsh, so he's kind of a douche.  And has the eyes of sexual assaulter.  And looks at Kelly like he's going to make Kelly-skin lampshades in the near-future.  And gets mad at Kelly for ever having gone on a date before he came to town.  And I really don't like the guy, if you couldn't already tell.  And I guess: read on.

While a sweet ghee-tar lick plays in the background, we open on this palm tree...

...and then fade down to the front entrance of West Bev...

...where our friend with his neon-and-black backpack makes the exact same trek up the steps as always.  Dude likes a routine, apparently.

We also get a shot of these dowdy (presumed) teacher-ladies and their Ross Dress for Less discount rack duds.

More Sweet Ghee-tar music plays as we see this mushroom-headed band loser.  Who actually looks more hip and "with it" than AHHHHHHNdrea.

Inside to the hallway with Brandon coming up behind Emily (now with semi-dyed roots!) and RUN EMILY RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND SOUL!

Brandon catches up to her and asks, "Where ya been, stranger? Long time no see." Emily does not answer with the truth (that she's been avoiding Brandon like the plague because he is indeed a plague, and a smug one at that) as I would've, but rather makes some excuses about her credits not transferring from her old school and that she's been taking sophomore make-up classes.  She asks Brandon what he's been up to and he's all, "Seems like I've been spendin' all my time on The West Beverly Blaze." Does he have to clarify that it's the "West Beverly" Blaze? Does Beverly High or Pacific Palisades High or fucking El Monte High have a school paper called The Blaze? I somehow doubt it, but if so, NO ONE WOULD CARE ANYWAY.  Except for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  But who cares, because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

Unfortunately, Emily seems all impressed and tells him that she's been reading his articles and I guess like, masturbating to them or something.  Brandon says that he's in a rush to meet Brenda and that she's taking her driver's test "for the third time." Emily's all, "What's her problem, anyway?" and as I recall, it was you and your upcoming pelvic exam, bitch.  But Brandon tells her, "Parallel parking.  We practice and practice but she just doesn't get it." And then he laughs and laughs about his sister's vehicular shortcomings like a real shithead.

Over in another part of the hallway, Donna (who looks great in white) Brenda (perfect as always) and Kelly (wearing...a shirt from Jackie's coke-fiend days?) walk together as Brenda talks about being freaked out about her driving test and hitting the orange cones used for parallel parking and the horrible dream she had the night before where she had to park a semi between two "gigantic oreenge [yes, she pronounces it "oreenge" and is adorable] cones" that were filled with explosives.

They wind up at Brenda's locker and she asks the other two if they were freaked out about their driving exams and Kelly braggarts, "God no.  I passed with flying colors.  I think some people are just born to drive." Donna sets the record straight and informs Brenda, "Oh, please.  You should've seen Kelly when she first got her license.  For the first month, I felt like a crash test dummy." Kelly admits that she had a few "fender-benders" but that's how she learned.  Ah, rich kids.

Brandon then comes up behind Brenda and gets inappropriately close and touchy and asks if she's ready.  Brenda asks where Dylan is and Brandon's all, "Throwing back a Zima Gold in the parking lot," only not really, but rather, "I saw him at lunch, he said he'd meet us out front."

Brenda, Donna and Kelly have a group hug which was nice.  Something to remember later in the episode when Bobby Wheelchair is eating our souls with his dead-eyed gaze.